Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 15 - My Tormented Mentor - full transcript

It's been two weeks since Ben died
and even though he was Jordan's brother,

Dr Cox was having a much harder time
with it than she was.

Are you gonna lie
around on the couch all day again today?

- What am I supposed to do?
- What about cleaning yourself?

I would
but I'm afraid to go in our bathroom.

Why?

Jordan's friends came for the funeral.
Unfortunately for Dr Cox, hadn't left.

As Perry won't lift the seat on the loo,
I've started to use his sink.

Aren't you dolled up for the movies?

If she doesn't get "shagged"
every two days, she gets the shakes.

It's true, look.



That could be
cos you're sober for a change.

Maybe.

Are you still mad because we tried to
fix Jordan up with someone yesterday?

- Scary.
- Oh, God.

Dr Kelso was having
female trouble of his own.

Dr Kelso, the sexual harassment
here is out of control.

Somebody asked Laverne
if her boobs were made for walking.

- It's rude and makes no sense.
- Paris and Nikki were not amused.

You named your breasts
after the Hiltons?

Other way around, sugar.

Ladies, this hospital's policy on sexual
harassment is well established, plus...

I'll handle this.
What Garfunkel here is trying to say

is that you should all think
about what's really bothering you,

and then have a big group
un-bunching of your panties.



Every time Turk's in a hurry,
I'm tempted to jump out and scare him.

Well, today's the day.

The reason he's in such a rush
is because he's starting rotation

with the hospital's
new attending surgeon.

So, you guys my new residents?

I could tell
what the guys were thinking.

Oh, there's so much blood.

I hope it doesn't get on my dress.

I'm Dr Miller. A few things.

Don't talk while I'm talking and I don't
like the smell of cologne in the OR.

Now, I'd like to take a minute to listen
to any questions any of you might have.

Then after this minute, I never wanna
hear from any of you ever again. Anyone?

I'm allergic to shellfish.

Any other allergies? No? Great.
You, and uni-brow, go scrub up.

My waxer's in the Bahamas.

Get a new one.

Why don't you show the girls
around while I'm in my board meeting?

Love to. Newbie, I've a job for you.

No pawning them off on Radar.
They want the big-boy tour.

I've shared a room with razor knees for
two weeks. Do you have a queen bed?

It would be if I took my "quose" off it.

He's quick. What's he like in the sack?

Quicker.

- May I be excused?
- You move, you die.

Be nice to my friends.

OK, here's the tour.
This is where the patients enter.

Upstairs is where they die.

In the basement is where we slide
their dead bodies into the wall.

And that's the gift shop.

Where can one get a nice gin and tonic?

Down the street, they make
an appletini to knock your socks off.

Right!
Let's go get drunk before Pilates.

Jordan seems to be doing pretty well.

You know Jordan, she's a rock.

How about you? How you holding up?

I know it's been tough with Ben dying.

Are you gonna talk ever?

Let me go ahead and tee this up for you,
Anneka.

We are all going to die someday. For the
lucky few of us it'll be nice and fast.

But for most of us it will be as long
and painful as a conversation with you.

That's a beautiful sentiment.

Hotdog, three o'clock.
I mean five o'clock. Over there.

Todd, let's get off on the right foot.

Hey, it might just be
because my expectations are low,

but you guys did not suck
in surgery yesterday.

As long as your expectations are low,
maybe we should have sex.

Perfect.

I'm concerned.
I think you hold women responsible

for the fact Mommy did not pay attention
to you. And if you don't get help,

you'll start picking up
prostitutes and killing them.

- I've always wanted to say that to him.
- Well, now you don't have to.

She just talked to me like I'm an idiot.

Hot chick, twelve o'clock.

- Wow.
- I know.

It's been brought to my attention
there's been inappropriate behaviour.

I know. I brought it to your attention.

It occurred to me
that we can't allow this to continue.

It occurred to you
because I researched case studies

detailing the hospital's liability

instead of going to single's night
at the Korean church by my house.

Ted's sad life aside, you are going
to run a sexual harassment seminar.

- No one's gonna show up for that.
- It isn't optional.

Anyone gets more than three complaints
here in the box and they have to attend.

What? He's baiting me.

- Seriously, how are you?
- Oh, my God.

Look, Abby, I didn't write you
asking for help, so if you continue,

you'll end up eating,
breathing and relieving yourself

through a tube of some kind, signed,
"Dealing with it on his own in Kansas."

I wrote Dear Abby once in seventh grade
cos I didn't have body hair.

By the time her response came out
it was like a forest down there.

Well, you know, nothing ventured...

Looking for streamers
and a marching band

because this will be
the one-millionth time

I've had to shake off
something you've said.

Yes, Newbie, I'm having a tough day
and I'd love to head home,

but Jordan's Satanic brood
has taken over my apartment

and no man in his right mind
would dare enter that place.

I should probably go to his place.

- Agility exercises?
- I'm air-fondling Dr Miller's boobies.

Who's with me?

No?

Why don't you lay off her? And don't say
"I'd like to lay on Dr Miller."

High-five later for reading my mind.

You know, I don't think you're stupid,

despite you washing your hands
with your gloves already on.

- Dammit.
- But keep your mouth shut. OK?

It's hard for Dr Miller
being a female surgeon here.

All right, all those
who are assisting me today step forward.

Not so fast, beer bong. You're out.

Hello? The door was open...

Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
I just came to tell you both

that I think it would better for Dr Cox
emotionally if you two would leave. OK?

- Thank you.
- Just a second, darling.

We will leave. But before we go,
Ali could really use a man's opinion.

Does this bra make my boobs look real?

- Oh, yes.
- Damn. Let's switch.

No, no switchies.
I think we should all be happy

with the bras God gave us.
I really should go.

We were going to go to the gym, but
I could just as easily throw up instead.

Or you could
just give us a workout right here.

I could hang for a smidge.

Good, cos we've got
something to tell you.

How dare you tell us to leave
because you wanna kiss Perry's ass.

You know, ladies, I'm not
usually into the rough stuff but...

You shall not feast on me!

- I'm bored with this.
- So am I.

34, 35, 36.

Todd, you have
37 complaints of sexual harassment.

See? It's working.

- Good luck with the seminar.
- Dr Kelso?

- You have five.
- I put those in to prove a point.

You'll notice the Kelsos
are written with a lower case "k".

- No, they're not.
- It was worth a shot.

There must be some loophole for me.
Where's Ted?

Great service by Reverend Kim today.

So, you ladies doing anything after?

I'm not.

No music in my OR, Hammer.

First of all, Hammer dances like this.

Hammer time. Second, I got your back,
so cut me a little slack.

You have my back?

Anybody gives you trouble,
I'll handle him.

- Cos little old me can't?
- I didn't mean it that way.

Worse than basic knuckle-dragging,
scalpel jocks I usually work with

is you.
You are the worst kind of sexist.

You're one of the sneaky ones
who says all the right things,

when what you really think is that
I'm a little girl who needs protecting.

Now, I would appreciate it
if you would apologise.

Sometimes it seems like men
and women speak a different language.

OK. You all know why you're here.

Player, check it.

Great stuff.

And when that happens, even the best
of intentions can be misunderstood.

- What is he doing here?
- He told us to leave town.

Oh, God.

And misunderstandings,
they can lead to disaster.

Dr Turk, I asked you to apologise.

- I have nothing to apologise for.
- Then get out of my OR.

Are you gonna cry like a little boy?

See how I flipped it?

Dr Miller accused me
of being sexist. Me.

I'm marrying Carla.
Who do you think wears the pants?

And the shirts and the shoes
and sometimes my underwear?

- Really?
- I said nothing.

Mr Roberts
likes to wear my brassieres.

If this woman doesn't like me,

I won't become the youngest chief of
surgery in history and cure paralysis,

which will stop my birthday
being a national holiday,

and everyone knows
I hate to work on my birthday.

May I ask you something, Judy?

Do you have any idea what it's like
to have three angry, underfed women

tear you several new ones
for a full hour?

Yes. I caught the matinee of that show.
Not for the whole family.

Then don't stick any part
of your hairless body into my business.

Trust me, there is nothing for you
to gain from it.

Even if you went on a cruise to
the most remote regions of the ocean

and rescued my drowning body in time
to pump the seawater out of my lungs

and bring me back
from the brink of death,

I would still be upset
that the first face I saw was yours.

You wouldn't see it
because it would be in your chest,

giving you the hug you've been afraid
to ask for all your life.

You don't want my help, I'll back off,
but only because I feel a bit guilty.

About what?

You received four complaints about
calling male residents by girls' names.

Give me that.

Judy...

You come here, Judy.

Well done there, Bob-O.

When my patients ask me where I was,

I'll tell them I was too busy
attending this chat fest with you

and Dr
"What's he overcompensating for?" here.

Did I say any of you boys could talk?
No, I did not.

Now this part is especially important
so I need everyone's full attention.

Come here, you rat bastard.

Awesome.

Dr Miller, hi.
You look very nice today.

Thanks. My patient just died
but if I look good I'm psyched.

No, you work in a tough specialty

and you maintain your femininity
and I find that very sexy.

Are you asking me out on a date?

Please, we just met. Not that it
would make a difference if we hadn't...

Dr Turk is a good friend of mine and
he's not a sexist and I know sexists.

When my dad's not
asking the maid for neck rubs,

he tells me to get in a closet
if I'm emotional.

No one likes hysterical women.

- There's a closet.
- It's one of my favourites.

I've seen you
with your "can do" attitude,

and because you're a female doctor
you think you're part of the solution.

But everything about you screams,

"What does that cutie in radiology
think about me?"

Dr Turk may ask you where to get
his girlfriend some naughty lingerie.

We both know women all crave leather
push-up bras with leather tassels

that go around and around
but still I ask you, is that respect?

Don't answer. I don't care.

Move, Barbie!

Yes, he fell. I'm gonna get away.

You know who I haven't seen today?

- You looking for that?
- Like you read about.

Come here, you.

Spill.

Dr Cox had nothing to do
with me going to see your scary friends.

- I love how adult our relationship is.
- Fine! You want some straight shooting?

I'm glad you're coping with Ben's death
so well. I'm struggling.

Having those two harpies
nesting in our home is not helping.

Jordan, I cannot figure out
why they're still here. It is beyond me.

You OK?

Why don't you grow a pair, Sally?

That's going in the box.
Girls' names are out.

Well?

I hate to quote my mom,
but Dr Miller is so uptight,

she could use a pitcher of martinis
and a smooth-chested pool boy.

- I knew you'd hate her.
- I love her.

Do you know what I would give
to have a female attending like her

pushing me not to let the fact
that I'm a woman hold me back?

- You have no idea how hard it is.
- I have no idea?

I won't fight about whether
it's harder being black or a woman.

- Black.
- Woman.

Much prop, Dr Rhodes.
Go get 'em!

Turk, let me ask you one question.
Gun to your head.

Who do you think make better doctors?
Men or women?

No, Todd, the term "melons"
is just as bad as "sweater meat".

- Then I am thoroughly confused.
- This is a total waste of a time.

Do you know why it's a waste of time?

Take Bob-O here.
He's just a product of a different era.

Foxy, Enid.

Hot mama.

Those were the days.

And this one, I can't even imagine what
that upbringing must have been like.

I'd like to take a swig out of her jugs.

I'm talking to you, numb-nuts.

Dad, I'm listening to Annie.

It is a hard knock life.

My point is
that in this tight-assed PC culture

it is damn hard to know what's kosher.

Then try stepping into our shoes.

Even the strongest women walk around
with this thick coat of armour

because God forbid we should
show the slightest sign of weakness.

So squeeze those oversized feet
into the shoes of someone

you really care about and in a heartbeat
you'll know the right thing to do.

At that moment, Dr Cox knew
why Jordan's friends were still around.

Would you turn off the lights?
The baby doesn't know I'm here.

Doesn't matter. He likes
the nanny better than me anyway.

Me, too.

Are your friends still here
because I've been wallowing in self-pity

and you need somebody
to take care of you?

I miss Ben.

Me, too.

God, me too.

You want me to help you move that table?

Not that you can't move it.

What do you want?

I was just thinking about what you were
saying when I said that thing and...

Just say it.

I'm sorry.

Scrub up.

- So we're cool?
- Ish.

But you're a decent surgeon
and I'm not one to be petty.

- So why don't we put on a little music?
- Yes. Why don't we?

There will always be
a battle for power between the sexes.

Sometimes a man just has to give in.

- Gotta grab those.
- No.

Remember, we look, but we don't touch.

OK.

Other times it's enough
just to take a positive step.

And once in a while,
even if it seems clich?,

a man just has to be there for her.

You know, honey, I'm here now
if you want your friends to leave.

We're getting chemical peels tomorrow.

OK.