Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 14 - My Screwup - full transcript

As a doctor, there are certain
procedures you just have a gift for.

That feels so good. Right there.

- Let's have the other foot.
- No!

It's just that there's
something wrong with my left foot.

You guys would think it's disgusting.

- I'm a doctor. This has been in people.
- I cut people open.

OK.
I have a huge bunion.

Sean's back in a few weeks.
What am I supposed to do?

The obvious answer
is to draw Sean's face on it

and tell him you grew it
because you missed him.

- Or it's a simple surgery.
- We've decided on "bunion face".



- Cut me the hell up.
- Dammit.

Thanks, Nurse Espinosa.

Turk? If I keep my last name after we
get married, that's no big deal, right?

No, we'll just have
one of those modern marriages

where the husband and wife
don't love each other.

Turk, wait! Turk!

- You OK?
- All good.

It's Jack's first birthday.
I got a petting zoo for the kids.

We need something for the adults.

How about a Russian roulette booth?
And we put bullets in all the chambers,

that way everybody wins.

Will there be a pi?ata?
I need to know if I need my helmet.

Zip it.
The only reason we invited you

is because you have your own
SpongeBob SquarePants costume.



- It was a gift.
- From me to me.

Anyhoo, I'm thinking
that probably you shouldn't come.

- Why not?
- Because her whole family is in town.

Hi, JD.

What do you say to a girl
you dumped three weeks ago?

- I destroyed that videotape we made.
- What tape?

Danni, if you don't act concerned,

no one at America's Funniest
Home Videos will think this is real.

- Can we just go home and have sex?
- No! Again, from the top.

Now I'll never meet Bob Saget.

Is their brother Ben coming?

Yeah. He always has to make a grand
entrance and gets depressed afterwards.

Why's that?

Cos he never surprises us.

- Not even a little?
- No.

- Thorns!
- Bloody.

That's good. Try and do it with your
head in sort of a less jarring position.

- I can't!
- That's perfect!

Look at me, I'm a prickly pear.

Can I see that for a second?
Thanks.

Not a strong moment for you, Polly.

I need to get it started first.

You still doing the whole "kooky guy
who brings his camera everywhere" thing?

'Til the day I die.

Is this thing made of Teflon?

You know something,
you have slept with both of my sisters.

So that means that you and I
have something in common.

I have to get going.

- Too weird?
- Nah.

What's weird is it's taken my best
friend so long to come and see my son.

You get leukaemia and disappear
for two years. What is that about?

It went into remission
and I wanted to see the world

- for all its splendour and glory.
- How'd that go for you?

Got some good pictures though.
Here. Check it out.

Here's me at the Great Wall of China.

This is me at the Pyramids.

And, this... When was this?
Oh yeah!

This was you and me
eight seconds ago.

Jordan says while you
were on your world leukaemia tour

you neglected to visit a single doctor,

medicine man, or scary shaman
with the giant saucers in his ears.

Ben, turns out
cancer's the kind of ailment

that you occasionally
wanna check up on.

Fine, I'll get the exam.

I tell you what,
I missed the hell out of you. I did.

Thanks, Perry.
You know, I missed you too.

Yes! I am the king of gay chicken.

Oh, God, save me!

Elliot, you're gonna
have to take off your sock.

If I do, then whenever you look at me,
you'll think "giant gross foot".

Like that guard
with the hook for the hand.

All anybody thinks when they see him
is "big giant afro".

- I do think that.
- You know what?

It'd be better if you focus
on how you're doing this for Sean.

If there was something about me
physically that bothered Carla,

I would be excited to fix it for her.

It'd make our relationship better
and more...

- I hate your mole.
- What?

You said it was your tickle button.
You made me shave my moustache.

That was before
I knew what was under there.

Oh, damn, a brother finally can breathe!

Hello, there.

You wanna quit? Then quit!

But you, sir, are a worthless peon,
and you always will be a worthless peon.

Sir, you know my band
The Worthless Peons?

Chris from Shipping and Receiving
wants to go solo.

We lose him, we lose our sex appeal.

He's the only one with hair.
What do you think I should do?

You know my rule
about personal problems.

I'm not interested unless it involves
my loved ones, or possibly my wife.

Do lawyer stuff to that.

Let me powder my head first.

Should I be worried
about the old ticker?

Mr Taylor,
let me worry about that for you.

Oh, my God! He's gonna die!

Newbie, perfect timing. I have to run
$150 down to the police station

because Mr Jinky, the Juggler

who Jordan just has to have for
Jack's birthday party just got a DUI.

Only me. Your new job
is to take young Ben here by the hand

and run every haematological
screening test we have.

I can't. I'm covering for Doug. He's on
a his-and-her spa day with his mom.

- What?
- Don't ask. I'm swamped.

And I'm a little worried
about Mr Taylor here.

I can't figure out
his irregular heartbeat.

I already looked at his EKG and he's
not gonna die in the next 30 minutes.

Now, go!

Hey, JD, my sister Danni is more
of a gentle kisser, don't you think?

But I find Jordan is a little bit more
along the lines of teeth and tongue...

- Will you please stop it?
- Fangs.

This guy is supposed
to be a great plastic surgeon.

OK. So...
Who wants what bigger or smaller?

My fianc? would like
to have his mole removed.

That? That's cute.
It's like a tickle button.

No, it's not. It needs to go away.

I'll scrape it away and cover it with
skin from the back of your upper thigh.

- You'd be a butt face.
- That'd be a funny nickname.

No, it wouldn't.

How long does it take
to fill a bottle with pills?

I'm sorry, madam.
I hope we didn't wake you.

It's just that I have 50 patients
and I...

- That's a code.
- I'm gonna get out of this mole thing.

- Whatever, butt-face.
- Uncool.

Sir, I think I figured out how my
problem affects one of your loved ones.

- It affects me?
- Swing and a miss.

Thank God you're here.
I need someone to talk to.

Usually I'd talk to Dr Cox
but he's doing stuff.

There's Laverne,
but I'm kind of her boss

and I avoid getting personal
with staff members

- who work below me.
- As do I.

It's just that I told Turk I didn't
like his mole and I feel guilty now.

You've seen it.
I mean, you can't avoid it.

Dr Cox, I lost a band member,

so we're not going to be able
to perform at your son's party.

Ted, even though I never asked you to,
that is still just terrific news.

That hurt here and here.

Dr Cox?

What's the matter? You look like
Maybelline just went belly up.

20 minutes after you left,
he went into cardiac arrest.

We tried to resuscitate him,
but there was nothing we could do.

I'm sorry.

- Wow, man, bummer.
- This shouldn't have happened.

Guilt's a funny thing.
It can lead to denial.

- The kid screwed up.
- No, he didn't.

He told you he has too many patients.
He's swamped.

The kid screwed up.

OK. Darn kid!

And guilt can lead to compromise.

Turk is doing
this sweet thing for me, and...

Men's room.

I just wish there was something
I could do for him.

You know what, sweetie?
I'm fine with getting rid of this mole

but you gotta be willing to take
my last name when we get married.

That's perfect. Of course I will.

And there she goes,
Mrs Carla Butt-face.

Dammit.

As a doctor, you're around death
so much, you get used to the guilt

and you keep it from
affecting your personal relationships.

- Brace yourself.
- What are you doing here?

- I'm on call tonight.
- Not anymore.

- I'm taking all your patients.
- Wait, you think this was my fault?

This is an emotional situation.
Go easy on the kid.

It was your fault.
Now get the hell out.

- Well, that was good listening.
- Thank you.

I got it.

- All the best.
- Thanks, man.

Nothing says "good morning"
like a drunken human alarm clock.

You've been here for 60
straight hours. You need to go home.

You know what I need? I need people
to stop telling me what I should do.

- Fine.
- You know what you should do?

- Why are you here?
- Dr Cox. Can I talk to you?

Hey, Val, you know what's funny?

Ever since I started taking care of
your patients, not one of them has died.

Look, you wanna be mad at me,
that's fine. I get it.

Jordan called. She wants
to make sure you show later.

Right, put us down for Ben plus one.

I'm not going anywhere, so beat it.

- I don't want to do this.
- No one's gonna call you names.

- I know, but...
- Face!

- Butt-face.
- Listen, my butt is fabulous.

A slice of that here,
that's just me spreading the wealth.

But my mole is part of me and you need
to convince Carla to get me out of this.

I can't, I got things to do.

Like what?
Dr Cox took all your patients.

- Gin.
- Dammit.

Nice hand.

I meant the cards.

I gotta win my money back from Leonard.
You know, the guy with the giant afro.

- I'll talk to her for you.
- Thank you.

I hate her for doing this to me.

I hate him for doing this to me.

I don't think he understands that
"Espinosa" is more than a name to me.

It's my heritage. It's also a candy bar
in Ecuador. But mostly it's my heritage.

I just don't wanna do this, Dr Kelso,
but I already agreed. What should I do?

Nurse Snickers,
until now you've been white noise.

But as you've forced me to respond,

let me tell you a couple of things
that only a few people know.

I haven't paid
my country club dues since '97,

but I still tee off every Wednesday
at 8:15 and take a bare ass steam

when the last putt drops.

But, more importantly, I really don't
care about any of you or your problems,

and you can confirm that with Ted.

Don't those Espinosas have nougat?

- Can we go now?
- No.

I don't attend parties where the guest
of honour has no idea what's going on.

Not true.
When you and Jordan first got married,

we went to senile Grandpa Morty's
95th birthday party.

He tried to get the coat check girl
thrown out

cos she was loyal to the Kaiser.

I appreciate your concern,
but you don't understand.

What don't I understand?

See all these people here? This is not
a senior citizen slumber party.

If it was, I'd already put Mr Fordham's
hand in a bowl of warm water,

but God bless him, he's gonna go ahead
and wet the bed anyway.

My, my point is,
that if I'm not here, people die.

"If I'm not here people die."

Come on!

Look, why don't you just let me take
this little mental breakdown of yours

and I'm gonna put it
right here in my pocket

and then
you can piss off for the afternoon

and can let one of the other 9,000
doctors take care of things.

You haven't noticed that my
supporting cast in this Theatre of Hell

is a veritable who's who
of incompetent puppets?

So sorry to bother you Dr Cox, but
I have searched high and low for Carla

and it's like she has gone "poof'
and disappeared into thin air.

- Have you seen her?
- No...

- No, I haven't seen her.
- Well, if you do, page me.

Ben, outstanding commitment.

Thanks. So, can we go now?

Provided that gets you off my back.

One more thing.

Come on!

You gotta forgive him.

What? They're my shower shorts.

- Thanks for helping me look for Carla.
- No problem. I'll check the dumpster.

We're not looking for dead Carla.

Attagirl, you stay optimistic.

Sorry, sir.
It's been an emotional couple of days.

I'm just here to get a nasal speculum.

I just wish
I didn't hate that mole so much.

I used one of these on my wife once.

She's a terrible snorer.
She used to keep me up all night.

I made her have surgery
but that just made things worse.

But here's the twist.
Now, whenever she goes out of town,

I can't fall asleep without the sound
of that gasping, wheezing woman

lying right next to me.

Trust me, if I ever met a Japan Air
stewardess who snored like Enid,

I'd marry her tomorrow.

But here's the point. You might find out
that thing you hate so much

is the very same thing
you miss when it's gone.

Thank you, sir.

I'm gonna get right to it.
You tell Carla my mole's inoperable,

I will pay you ten thousand dollars.

Turk! I don't want you to do this.

- The mole's inoperable.
- Deal's off.

- Turk, I couldn't find her.
- Don't sweat it.

See ya!

Great! An open surgery slot
just going to waste.

Not necessarily.

Look at this.

Those are ridiculous.

You're right. I was an idiot
to buy these shower shorts.

I mean, it's not like they come
with a complimentary shower wallet.

Look, I just wanted to say that
what happened, it wasn't your fault

- and I'm sorry.
- Thanks.

- I really needed to hear that.
- Good.

Come on, let's get dressed and go.

- Shower shorts?
- For the man who has nothing to hide,

but still wants to.

Acceptance
can take a lot of different forms.

Whether it's accepting it's OK to show
your soft side once in a while...

Well, it's official,
Chris left the band.

You know what I think? Good riddance
to him. You'll find another tenor.

Thank you, sir.

And if you don't, who cares?
You all stink anyway.

... or accepting someone you love
just the way they are...

Can you tie my tie, Mrs Espinosa?

Answer him!

You just kissed my mole.

- How come you're not dressed up?
- You see any holes in these pants?

- No.
- I'm glad you made it.

There's one more thing
you have to do for me.

You can't keep me from getting drunk.

Forgive yourself
for what went down the other day.

- God, you're, you're so annoying.
- Yeah.

- OK.
- Good.

Where's your camera?
Aren't you gonna take some pictures?

- Pictures of what?
- Crying babies covered in chocolate.

People singing happy birthday to my son
who've never met him before.

The whole routine.

Where do you think we are?

In the end,
the most important thing to accept

is that no matter how alone you feel,
how painful it may be...

... with the help of those around you,
you'll get through this, too.