Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 13 - My Porcelain God - full transcript

I've been working
with Dr Casey the last few weeks.

He has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

and he likes to start each day
the same way...

... by touching everything
in his first patient's room.

- Good morning, doctors.
- He touches everything.

I suppose that's how
they say good morning in cuckoo-town.

Pretty much.

Patients on this wing have
been complaining about noises.

- If it's "bink", I can explain.
- It isn't "bink".

Was it
I come from the land down under

Where women glow and men plunder



- That wasn't me.
- Just figure it out, dammit.

- Do you plunder?
- I have been known to.

What's the noise he's talking about?

- That is a roof toilet.
- You said that like it's normal.

Careful of this guy, he's a...

You're the guy
who's been using up all my soap.

- Yeah, I've got OCD.
- Really? My grandpa had that.

Every morning he'd take a sock, fill
it up with nickels, and beat us.

- That's OCD, right?
- The bad kind.

Who would use this thing?

You kidding? Just picture yourself.
You're standing out here,

out in the open air, then you sit down
and you take stock of your life.

I've had some major epiphanies
on this old girl.

You can't do any soul-searching down
there on those germ-infested crappers.



Damn him, he's right.

I don't want you telling anybody
about my epiphany toilet.

Who am I gonna tell?

Don't even think about it.

And get this,
he calls it his "epiphany" toilet.

- You couldn't pay me to poop there.
- No one's offering.

You're like Dr Casey. He said using
that toilet would be like his Everest.

Using that toilet
would be my Everest.

Yup, that's what he said.

- Ask him.
- No.

JD, Turk wants to ask you something

and it would mean a lot
to the both of us if you said yes.

Oh, my God, would I have
a threesome with Turk and Carla?

It's flattering and
I don't think they'd tell anyone...

Will you be my best man?

- I mean, yeah! Of course.
- Hell, yeah, you will.

So, is this like, the best moment
you guys have ever had?

A decoder ring.

- Turk?
- What?

- It finally happened!
- A double prizer?

- That was awesome.
- You guys realise you're doctors?

Double secret decoder-ring
wearing doctors.

- Activate.
- Form of an ice menorah.

The reason I'm gurney-surfing,
aside from the fact that it's bitching,

is that Kelso shut down this whole wing.

- I gotta go.
- Oh, no.

You see, a census said that hospital
admissions dropped in February.

The census was wrong.

Dr Kelso, where are we gonna fit
these sick people?

It's not my job
to take care of sick people.

Bob Kelso, healer.

Closing that wing saves us about
$60,000 a month. You got that on you?

It's weird how much Dr Casey
has influenced me in a short time.

- Bink.
- Hey, "bink" you.

It wasn't just me.
Dr Casey's affected everyone.

- What's he doing?
- Writing Dr Casey a "thank you" card.

I could use a little help here.

Todd, "surgeon" is spelled G-E-O-N.

And there are two Ds in Todd.

Does... mean stare at me like jackasses
or does it mean "Get over here"?

Mr Tenaka here is fatiguing and he needs
to be intubated. Any questions?

Turk's asked me to be his best man.
Any advice?

No, not at this moment.

Everyone talks about how Dr Casey's
helped them and he doesn't know I exist.

- So, introduce yourself.
- I haven't seen him all day.

He's probably figuring out some
procedure that's gonna save humanity.

Why can't I sit on you?

Why?

Probably.

Newbie, it turns out
I do have some best man advice.

Go easy on the mascara
in case you cry during your toast

and if you chase after the bouquet,
make sure you kick off your pumps

so you don't snap
one of those chicken ankles of yours.

Thanks. Thanks for coming back.

Barbie,
are you sure you went into his lungs?

It looks like
you're blowing up his stomach.

Dammit, his O2 sat's dropping.
Get out of the way, honey.

Even if you've done a procedure
5,000 times,

there's no guarantee
you won't screw up number 5,001.

A few more seconds, we would have
been coding this guy. Take that.

Barbie, as hard as it is to remember,
but air goes in the lungs.

Can I practise my toast on you?
I'm opening with a quote from Spartacus.

Actually, it goes a little lower.

I don't know why Carla wants me to wear
a cumberbund, let alone a red one.

As your best man, trust me, it's not
about the style, it's about the fit.

When you're on the dance floor,
you don't want restrictions.

- Let's test these one more time.
- You ready?

Five, six, seven, eight.

And one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

- Drop it like it's hot.
- It is hot!

- Put one hand on the floor.
- I can't reach.

- You better feel the burn.
- I can feel it burning.

Where I grew up,
they didn't allow two men to marry.

- Well, we grew up...
- I grew up in the hood.

...there you gotta do things...

I'm gonna change.

I'm the best man. Do you have any advice
for me to give my friend?

Just remind him that the wedding
is all about what the woman wants.

Yeah, I'll do that. As the best man,
don't you think my tux

should stand out
from the other groomsmen?

What did you have in mind?

The ring, please?

- You got the ring?
- It's gotta be one of these.

I've got ideas.

He's crashing. He needs to be intubated.

Dr Cox!

I've got a billion patients
and no rooms.

Newbie's pestering me for advice
on how to be best woman

at turtle head's wedding and I got a
resident who can't do a simple procedure

even though she learned it
the first week she was here.

I'm sorry, Dr Cox.
I don't know what to do.

I'll tell you what to do.
Get the hell out of here.

Carla, if one more annoying thing
comes my way,

extract that extra air out of Barbie's
head and inject it right into my veins.

Hey, Ace, I want you to find
my gardener, Hector, a room.

He has a case of cellulitis and I need
him in tip-top shape by the weekend.

I'm having my lawn-bowling tournament

and if anyone but Hector cuts my grass
my game goes to heck.

You know we don't have
an extra bed in this dump.

What has two thumbs
and still doesn't give a crap?

Bob Kelso. I though we'd met.

Hector.

This is amazing. I'm your best friend.
Now, I'm your best man.

- What will I be best at next?
- How about not talking?

One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand.
And now I'm best at that.

- Me or him?
- You.

- What now?
- You tell anybody about my toilet?

No. Why?

Where are you coming from?

No.

I find out you told anybody,
I'll beat you with Poppy's nickel sock.

Why would I tell anyone?
And no one has epiphanies on the john.

Of course, it's so simple.

Carla, good. Would you tell Hector that
he can stay just as long as he likes?

Aye, aye, captain.

When two people collide,
a lot of things can happen.

What the hell is going on in here?

Hey, Bob, great news.
We found Hector a room.

For some, it can be disaster.
For others, it's salvation.

I need help.

Excuse me?

Could you not point that at me?

Sure.

Hi, I'm Kevin.

I know!

I know.

The weirdest thing is when two people
collide without being in the same room.

Turk, it's your brother.
My business trip got cancelled

so I can be your best man after all.
I'm looking forward to it. Call me.

I was hurt when I found out I was
Turk's second choice for best man,

but I'm not gonna be petty.

When the tux guy called to confirm
Turk's measurements. I gave them to him.

Dude, I look like
I'm going to Farrakhan day camp.

Paint your legs black, you'll be fine.

Look at this lame-ass bow tie
and cumberbund.

I'm really thinking about talking to
Carla about this. What do you think?

Just remind him that the wedding
is all about what the woman wants.

You should totally say something.

Unless you want to set a precedent
where she walks all over you

for the rest of your life, but it's your
call. You might love that.

I wanted those red cumberbunds
because that's the theme!

- Red is a theme?
- Love is the theme!

We're in love, you idiot.

Why make a big deal about something
we both know you don't even care about?

I don't know.

I better get to work
before all the good patients are taken.

So tell me, is it harder
being a surgeon or a doctor?

A surgeon, cos when you
tell people that a loved one died,

you have to pull your surgical mask down
and you shake your head.

If you do it too fast, it says,

"I knew he was gonna die." And if
you take too long of a pause with it,

it gives them false hope.
So you have to do it perfectly.

Damn.

If one of my loved ones ever dies,
I hope it's because of you.

Hey, me too.

- Are we flirting?
- Little bit.

Awesome.

- Have you seen the roof toilet?
- No, but I'm a nervous pooer.

Now we're definitely not flirting.

I'm more comfortable with the setup
I have at home. Like extra locks.

I've only gone outside my house twice.
Once on an airplane

- and once at the White House.
- How are the bathrooms there?

No idea, but the fountains are nice.
And security? Quick as bunnies.

I know you've helped out a lot of people
and I've got this intubating problem...

- I'll be right back.
- Where are you going?

To climb a mountain.

This is completely unacceptable!

- You said find him a room.
- Not my office, dammit!

He's your gardener!

I could have both of you suspended.

You closed an entire wing.

Did you hear what I said
about being suspended?

You made your own bed,
now your gardener's gotta sleep in it.

Fine. Get out of here.
I'll get some paperwork done.

Tell me you're not
waiting to use my roof toilet.

I would use Dr Kelso's,
but I don't wanna wake up Hector.

OK, attention, roof poopers.

Setting aside the fact that I'll make
sure you all live to regret this day,

let's keep the magic rolling.

Let's not tell anyone else
there's a toilet on the roof.

- There is not a toilet on the roof.
- You just said there was.

No. Yes, I did,
but I was using a metaphor.

That means "God is watching us."

You've heard this,
"There's a toilet on the roof."

- Right, people?
- That's right. Ain't nothing up there.

Cool.

It's time to stop feeling sorry
for yourself. You're still best man.

It's not like Turk's
gonna take that away from you.

JD, can I talk to you?
Have you seen Carla around?

False alarm.

Cos I need to talk to you in private,
sort of man-to-man.

I can't right now, Turk,
I am completely swamped.

- Drawing lightning-bolts on your Nikes?
- To get to my patients faster.

- How about later?
- Later's no good.

I gotta finish telling my whole family
that you picked me as your best man.

- This is hard.
- Sorry it took me so long.

I had to go home.
Damn roof toilet. It's got my number.

- Can't lick it?
- God, no. I can't even sit on it.

Look, that problem
I was talking about before.

I can't intubate patients anymore.
I used to do that better than anyone.

Now, the only thing that sets me apart
is that my beeper plays,

That's the way,
uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it

- I don't know what to do.
- It's just a piece of porcelain.

There's no reason
we both shouldn't be able to sit on it.

Yeah, about my career-ending problem...

- We must conquer the roof toilet.
- Enough about the roof toilet!

I've heard about how amazing you are.
I'm not leaving until you help me out.

Dammit. I have to go.

Elliot. I'll help you.

Thanks.

"If Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls
does not change its name post-haste..."

I thought that was a nice touch.

"...legal action
will be taken post-haste."

- Wait, that's wrong.
- Shocker.

I can't think straight
with this whispering.

It's like a Spanish
golf tournament in here.

I'm sorry, Dr Kelso, but
I'm trying to get their lunch orders.

That reminds me. Hector, Enid made you
a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich,

but I... There was a misunderstanding,
and now it's gone.

I forget. Is que se joda
kill him or screw him?

Screw him.

That's it!
I just have to go and talk to him.

- Kevin Casey.
- Dr Casey, have you seen Turk?

Oh, yeah. Nice guy.
Good surgeon. Great dancer.

You should see us getting down
when we try pants on together.

- I have to go.
- Cool. I'll see you tomorrow?

Actually, no.
I have to go back to my hospital.

- Why do you have to do that?
- Look at it this way.

I may be leaving here,
but I will always be there.

- I know.
- I am so messing with you.

OK, it was amazing to work with you.

Thank you.

- And that's three seconds.
- OK. Sorry.

Watching him go, I wondered how gay I
looked giving that two-handed handshake.

And how weird it was that someone
could walk into your life,

have such a big impact and then vanish
just like that, never to be seen again.

But mostly,
I thought about how, in some way,

Kevin had helped
every person he met here.

Kevin? Has anybody seen Kevin?

Where the hell is Turk?

What's wrong?

Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye.

He didn't say goodbye to a lot
of people. Just me, Dr Cox, Carla,

Doug, Snoop Dogg intern.

- Where are my hos at?
- I haven't seen them.

I don't want to sound pathetic,
but he didn't even help me.

He didn't help a lot of people.
It was just me and Turk and Carla

and Dr Cox and Doug and Dr Mickhead.

- Mickhead? No, Mickhead's in rehab.
- Was in rehab, Elliot, was.

He'll never huff paint again.

But look, if you need help
I'm always here for you.

All right.

With intubating, I can't seem
to intubate patients anymore.

There's Turk, I gotta go.

- Elliot?
- Aunt Lillian?

Aunt Lillian?

What is it, Barbie?

- I need help.
- I know you do, sweetie,

but I'm out of hair scrunchies. Scram,
we're waiting for somebody.

Go on.

Hector's wife just set my drapes on fire
with her damn prayer candle.

- He's here.
- I want them both out of my office.

There's a ton of empty beds right here.
All you have to do is flick the switch.

You know how to do that, don't you, Bob?
You just bend over and flick.

I thought so.

Who took this?

With Mulberry, I really believe
New York has a shot at the title, man.

Yeah, me too.

- What sport are we talking about?
- I wanna say tennis.

Turk, I heard the message
that your brother left on the machine.

I want you to know if there's anything I
can do to make your wedding go smoother,

just tell me. Even if
it's stepping down from being best man.

The only reason I asked my brother
was because I knew he couldn't come.

Now I'm screwed because his plans
have changed and he's all excited.

But, dude, it has to be you,
you know that.

It's uncomfortable when two guys
want to say something to each other.

- You've been my best friend...
- You're my friend...

- Man, I love you.
- I've known you since college.

- Cool.
- Solid.

If it makes it easier,
I guess we could be co-best man.

You have no idea
how much stress that would relieve.

Even though,
God says it's supposed to be one.

You think there's more to Dr Kelso
than we know?

Sure. Is he, in fact, a latex-encased
robot with real human hair

and a circuit board where his heart
should be? I can't rule that out.

You know, Hector told me he's worked
for Dr Kelso for 20 years.

That's half his life.
I mean, I know he looks 50,

but that's what being in
the sun all day does to your skin.

Point is, it doesn't seem
like he hates Dr Kelso.

Bob-O, is it possible that you're
occasionally a decent human being

in your life outside of this place?

Well, champ, seeing as you don't exist
in my life outside this place,

I doubt it's any of your damn business.

OK, so far no epiphanies.

Except that outdoor toilet seats
are like frickin' icicles.

At least no one saw me go.

Go! Roll to her!

We don't have a helicopter pad.

We're out of time.
He needs to be intubated, now!

- Just let me get someone.
- Now! You! Let's go! Do it!

Come on!

I'm in.

You see, this is why I wanted
you to use the bathroom up here.

If there's something you know you can
do, whether it's intubating a patient

or copping a squat on the roof, and
your mind keeps throwing up roadblocks,

just know
you can drive right through 'em.

And if that doesn't help,
maybe this will.

I can't believe it's gone.

It's human nature
to search for answers.

Dude, why is your tux gonna cost $4,000?

No reason.

Sometimes the answer you get
is the one you least expect.

All right, pipe down!

- Now, who's up for Dairy Queen?
- Dairy Queen!

But more often than not,

the answers we've been looking for
have been inside us all along.

Well done, there, Barbie. You're now
exactly where you were three years ago.

I guess the important thing
is to never stop searching.

Occupied.