Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 12 - My Catalyst - full transcript

Everyone here
thinks they know me inside and out.

- You look like you could use help.
- Nope.

Even random people.

- You need help?
- No, thanks, Dr whatever your name is.

They won't leave me alone.

- Free help here.
- Piss off.

You'd think
they'd know where I'm gonna end up.

Dr Cox, I could use a little help.

Beyonc?, you could use a lot of help,

but we all have to play
the hand the big guy dealt us.

Unless you're lucky enough to have those
Queer Eye guys show up at your door.



But I doubt even they have the brass
ones necessary to fix whatever this is.

If you wanna use the appearance angle
to knock my self-esteem,

do it when my hair doesn't look awesome.
I know. It's new wax.

- What is?
- It's OK to want a piece.

Check out Mrs Barlow's chart. I doubt
myself with interstitial lung diseases.

Handle this yourself, Britney.
I'm going with female pop stars today.

Back when I was a resident
I had trouble with metabolic diseases.

So I grabbed every case I could get
my hands on until I had it down pat.

Got it.
You had trouble with metabolic diseases?

No, I'm a good doctor.

There you go.

Hello, Mr Gallbladder. Don't you get
too comfy next to Mr Liver

because here comes
Dr Turk's robot laser.

Christopher, I could do without
the colour commentary.



Why a colour commentary?
Cos I'm doing it? Just kidding.

That was a near perfect
laparoscopic cholecystectomy.

Have you been working on your dexterity?

I've been playing a little
John Madden football on my Xbox.

I'd like to play
John Madden football on her Xbox.

On who, Todd?
There are no women here.

Well, it's still funny.

The Todd used to be our number one
lab-coli guy. The torch has been passed.

Thank you, sir.
Dude. Wait till you hear this.

Dr Wen just said
I'm the number one lab-coli guy.

Disappointed?

I shoulda waited till there was a chick
around for the Xbox joke. You know?

He knows.

I was excited for Turk and
he was excited about my big hair news.

- New wax did that?
- I couldn't believe it either.

- New wax did that?
- I couldn't believe it either.

Sorry about the girl talk.

- We were talking man's...
- Big trucks.

Have you seen these lately?

- Your hair smells like Elliot's.
- Your breath smells like chimichangas.

- Is that racist?
- That depends.

- Did you have them for breakfast?
- Maybe.

What Carla really smelled
was all the excitement in the air.

There's a visiting professor coming
who's a medical attending

and a surgeon. Two specialties
and to us, that kinda makes him...

... Super-Doc.

Super-Doc.

Dammit.

Fine, a super doc
with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

How hard is it
to step in here left foot first

and simultaneously exhale
as my right foot plants? How hard?

- Not that hard?
- Exactly, shaved-head guy.

- Whose hair smells like lilacs?
- Hers and his.

Well, that's very pretty.
And deeply disturbing.

- The jar said unisex.
- I know.

Dammit.

Dr Kevin Casey.
Dr Kevin Casey.

At my hospital they don't make you
sign forms to cut open people,

you just have to
bring your own knifey thingy.

- Scalpel.
- That's the word. Dr Kevin Casey.

- Why do you keep saying your name?
- It just keeps me from losing my...

jinkies later,
thinking I forgot something.

It's OK. You can say it.

It's just that you're a doctor
with pretty severe OCD.

- It's not a secret.
- I know. I always talk like this.

Be hard keeping that up
for the month I'm here.

- I can do it.
- I believe in you.

Kevin Casey? Holy Cow!
Get outta Dodge.

Tell me this,
are you shaking hands nowadays?

Well, a lifetime of therapy,
and a whole lot of Zoloft

just so I can
appropriately greet you, big guy.

- Attaboy.
- I do have a three-second limit.

Boy, who doesn't?

You realise I haven't laid eyes on you
since we were residents together?

And, I'll tell you this, big Kevo,
I always knew I'd see you again.

I never thought I'd see that guy again.

I mean, he had to drop out
of our residency class

because of the God-awful severity
of his condition.

I can't imagine you as a resident.

- Hey, Coxy?
- Shut up, jackass. I rock.

Was the hair and earring cos you were
in a band or cos you loved pirates?

Loved pirates. Just like me.

- I don't want a piece.
- Well, you're the only one. OK?

Dr Cox, I'm gonna
take you out for a beer.

I wanna hear all the stories about
what my mentor was like as a newbie.

Pink, for the billionth time, no,
I will not go out for a beer with you.

Repeat after me:

Dr Cox, you are not now,
nor will you ever be, my mentor.

Dr Cox, you are not now,
nor will you ever be, my mentor.

Yes.

That oughta keep those damn crows
from crapping on my car all the time.

I doubt they'll be back, sir. Unless
someone who comes up here every day,

trying to find the courage to jump,

passes the time by throwing birdseed
on your car's hood.

Stop babbling, Ted.
No one's ever listening.

The Italian gentlemen
that haul our medical waste away

said if we don't stop
putting our regular trash

in with the medical loads
they're gonna charge us double.

Randall and I
can get rid of that garbage for you.

What the hell are you two doing here?

- We come up here to wrestle.
- And drink beer.

Only the winner drinks beer.

How much to make the garbage go away?

Say, twenty bucks a month?

- Twenty-three bucks a month.
- Deal.

Sir, those darn birds are back.

Dr Kevin Casey.

I have to say, it was amazing
watching Dr Casey work.

Carol, let's just put it out there.
You've got lupus.

Instead of dwelling on the negative,
let's look at the positive.

Your pericarditis is resolving.
Your renal function is good.

Suicidal scavenger birds,
an excellent sign. Right?

- That's a great sign.
- Okey-dokey, artichokey.

- You are unflappable.
- It's true. I can't be flapped.

- I'm more skittish.
- Yeah, you're like a big squirrel.

I wish I was a swashbuckling doctor.
You know, like a pirate.

Enough about pirates
till you know him better.

Ahoy, there.

You going to the... Oh-Arr?

I said enough.

You know, I couldn't have survived
in medicine if I didn't embrace my OCD.

And, since I was compulsive,
I read the same textbooks over and over.

I went through the procedures
over and over.

I imagined every worst-case scenario
over and over and over...

- Dr Casey? Dr Casey?
- Dr Kevin Casey.

Even though I did those things, it's
the best advice I could give any doctor.

Expect the unexpected
and you will never be surprised.

After one day it felt like he was
the mentor I wished Dr Cox would be.

Still, I've got to stay cool.
I know I'm prone to hero worship.

Man, the surgeon in me is antsy.
I need to cut somebody up.

Thanks for volunteering.
I'm not that strong on the brain.

- I think this is the language centre.
- Really? Cos I don't feel a...

- How cool is that?
- This is the foreign language centre.

The cow says...

The sheep says...

Ladies and gentlemen, Macaulay Culkin.

The French would help with the ladies.

Dr Wen? Can I ask you a question?

Was my time on the lap-coli
even faster than yours?

Yes, it was.

Some of the guys were saying
I kicked your ass,

and I wanted them to shut up
if it wasn't true.

But since it is, I'll just let it go.

What?

One thing I've learned is that
you never antagonise your boss,

or the people that make the food,
cos either way you end up eating poo.

Elliot, I can do whatever I want,
because these are magic.

These are gonna take me
wherever I wanna go in life.

Thanks to these,
I'm king of the world, baby.

Can you feel it? Give me your pudding.

- Pay up.
- Already?

Look around. You won't find any garbage.
Let's see them twenty-three squids.

It's all here.

Come on.
What'd you do with all the garbage?

That's not part of the deal.

Randall, you, me, on the roof,
winner takes all.

- You never learn, do you?
- Jammo.

You know, Carla, your make-up today
does not in any way make you look like

a desperate bowling alley prostitute.

- What's with the sweet talk?
- Maybe Kevin is making me regress.

You realise that back when
I was a resident, I was a kind lad.

You get out.

But I established myself
as the best damn doctor

that ever roamed these filthy halls,
which is a curse actually

because now I'm expected to make eye
contact with every insult to medicine

that comes into this dump.

- Here's that CT scan you ordered.
- Thank you.

Eye contact. He respects me.

He's anaemic, and he has bone fractures,
yet there's no sign of leukaemia.

Don't tell me the great one is stumped.

This is not the kind of thing that you
stick your head in on and figure out.

- He's got Gaucher's disease.
- I beg your pardon?

I tested his blood for deficiency
of beta-glycosidase activity.

- I just sent out for one of those.
- No, you didn't.

I wouldn't have figured it out
if you hadn't done the grunt work.

It's like a jar of pickles, you
loosened the lid and pop! I took it off.

Dr Kevin Casey.

See you.

Kevin was getting the chance
to meet everyone around here.

See, the reason
the Xbox joke should work

is that "Xbox" is like the perfect
word for a girl's party zone.

- The Todd, is it?
- Oh, yeah.

Can you make a phone call for me?

- To who?
- To anyone.

Making a phone call.

Dr Casey, do you mind if I scrub in
on the lap-coli you're doing later?

OK, I'll see you at four.

- Cool trick.
- You should try it.

It's good for dexterity and convincing
single women you're a power dork.

You know, I'm really looking forward
to seeing you in action, sir.

Takes a lot to make
the big dog sit up and take notice.

I believe the word you're looking for
is "holy crap".

Holy crap.

I'm sorry, JD,
I just don't think pirates are cool.

- Well, then you're not cool, Doug.
- JD, want to get a beer tonight?

- Do chickens wish they could fly?
- I have no idea.

- I like to think they do.
- So do I.

OK, class, we have a guest
with us at rounds today.

He's an old friend of yours truly,

so let's all go out of our way to
treat him with the respect he deserves.

- Hey, gang, my name is...
- I thought we'd change things up today.

Instead of me questioning you, I'd like
to see you all go get your textbooks.

And when you get back
you actually get to quiz us.

A little harmless competition,
if my colleague here will consent to it.

Sorry, are you done
with the speechifying?

I'm kidding, you frightening bastard.

OK, buddy, buddy.
Fuddy-buddy, fuddy-buddy.

Go get your books!

- Try not to touch me as much.
- Fair enough.

Your van hasn't left the premises,
so where is all the trash is going?

Away.

I'll say the same thing I told the
grocer when I bought the spread

to Hank Weinberg's poker night:
"This better be kosher."

Otherwise it's not just Ted
who's gonna pay for it.

If people keep pushing me for no reason,

I swear I will hurl myself
off this building.

- I'm not cleaning you up.
- Arm.

Mark my words. If one more person
is mean to me for no reason, I'll do it.

Shut up, bozo.

One more person.
She didn't know the rules.

One of you minions spit out another
question, will you? Nervous Guy!

I don't care how many times your
pre-pubescent voice cracks. Hit me.

OK. What is the demyelinating CNS
disorder associated with the JC virus?

Progressive multifocal
leukoencephalopathy.

Snore.
Back to you there, half-pint.

- Short jokes are a sign of desperation.
- Amen, brother.

Yes, blonde girl.
You have yet another question?

What is the pathologic abnormality
causing Bernard-Soulier disease?

Absence of von Willebrand receptors.

I hate to be childish about this,
but I have to "make".

That means driving home
and scrubbing the toilet seat

with industrial strength cleanser,
so can we call it a tie?

No, ties are for sissies.

Speaking of which, Newbie,
you've been uncharacteristically quiet.

I don't know why it popped into my head.

You had trouble with metabolic diseases?

No. I'm a good doctor.

But I knew I had him.

My question
is concerning metabolic diseases.

Oh, yes.

What is the inborn error of metabolism
characterised by angiokeratomas?

Please.

OK, first I think
that we should go over the rules.

Because if by some freak of nature
I'm not able to answer a question,

then old Kev-Kev
cannot be declared the winner

unless he can provide the answer.
Otherwise, we'll be going back and...

Fabry's disease. Page 2,098 of
Harrison's Guide to Internal Medicine.

Fun game,
but I'll be back in 48 minutes.

It's funny how one person can shake
another's foundation to the core.

Half the time
the guy doesn't know he did it.

Watching Dr Casey's procedure again?

- He's so fast.
- Yep, he's out of our league.

Funnier still how the same guy could be
the mentor I've always been looking for.

Nice place. It's got that
great vomit and peanuts smell.

Yeah. Reminds me of my first girlfriend.
She was a carny.

I'm always trying to get Cox
to get a beer with me. He never does.

You don't carry around pictures of him
and his attending, do you?

Perfect.

Well, I don't carry anything around.

Cos those losers who've been
practicing medicine for three years,

but still look for a mentor
to pat them on the back,

they're pathetic.
You know what I mean?

Totally.

Yep. It's funny what one person can do.

OK, I'm gonna need another beer.

None of us slept last night.
How I know that is irrelevant.

What does matter is I think we formed
a special bond because of it.

Stop looking at me, or die.

And the guy who caused it
thinks we're his best friends.

- Morning, fellows.
- What do you say there, Kevin?

All right, all six of your
butt cheeks just tightened up.

Someone here pissing you guys off?
Cos I will give 'em some attitude.

- That guy.
- Hey, Hair Club.

That suit,
did that come with the flop-sweat?

You can do this, Theodore.
Take as much time as you need.

OK.
Here we go, baby.

I don't understand
why this guy bothers him so much.

Perry is a dysfunctional, unsuccessful,
emotionally damaged old man.

- No offence.
- None taken.

Being the best doctor here
is the only thing he had.

Just because we have a child together
doesn't mean you know me.

Mmm-kay, princess? Watch and learn.

Say, Kev-Kev?
Would you love to come and join us?

Oh, thanks.

What's up with the oatmeal today?

- Too much milk.
- No.

Not enough butter.

- That's it.
- Did you just diagnose the oatmeal?

You can't just go...
and diagnose the oatmeal.

He just did.
Kevin, are you single?

- Yeah. Why, are you?
- I'm thinking about it.

Yeah, me too.

What in the hell just happened?
What just happened?

OK, I've removed the gallbladder,
sealed the vessels, and time.

Oh, my God! You can't even beat
Dr Kevin Casey's lap-coli time

when you're imagining it.

I could be just as fast if I was
like him and practised over and over.

Yeah, but you don't.

I could spend my spare time
doing stupid hand exercises.

I know, but you don't.

- Well, I could.
- You don't.

- But...
- Don't.

Could you enjoy this any less?

Because of these.
I don't think I can.

In, gallbladder, out, done. Four
seconds. A new record. World record!

Look, I did my psych rotation. OK?

I know my father abandoning us
and only showing up in my life

when he needs a place to sleep
or a free prostate exam

is probably gonna be an issue. I get it.

But it's not like I'm looking for a
mentor. I just want a little validation.

It's like when Kelso gave you a cupcake
cos you went four days

- without killing a patient.
- That was awesome.

I've always felt Doug understood me.
After knowing him for three years,

I suddenly realised he was the type of
mentor I always wished Dr Cox would be.

Wait!

- Doug, get the hell out of here.
- OK.

When rational men
are forced to face their shortcomings,

they all do the same thing.

Blame Kevin Casey.

Who gave him the right to judge me?
I sure didn't.

I'll give him a piece of my mind,
see how he likes it.

Unfortunately, no one knew
where the son of a bitch was.

I'm far too irritable to pretend I don't
hate you so let's cut to the chase.

If you know where all the garbage
in this hospital is going,

I'll give you eight dollars.

- Sorry, sir.
- Thanks.

Dr Kelso? The crows are making
your pimp mobile look like Spin Art.

Dammit!

It's just one step.

Come on, already.

Who am I kidding?

You did it, Teddy.
It's over.

Here comes sweet relief.

- Is this heaven?
- It's garbage.

Way to cost us a cherry gig, bra.

What?

I want my money back.
And, Ted, shower and get back to work.

If you try that around the corner,
you can land right in the street.

Found him.
Brace yourself, mister.

You're about to get an earful, JD style.

Hey, buddy.

Hey.
Give me a minute, will you?

No, Kevin,
I have to talk to you right now.

Dammit!

Later's cool, too.

I'm sorry, I just spent
the last few days meeting new people,

trying to get used to this place,
and I'm stressed and I'm fried...

...and I just wanna go home.

But even though my last surgery was two
hours ago I can't stop washing my hands.

- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look...

This is a weak moment.
Nobody's supposed to see this.

And, mark my words, I'll clean up the
soap probably several thousand times.

Everyone's got their own burdens, JD,

And I'm not gonna be one of those people
that dumps mine on somebody else.

Now, what do you need?

Nothing.

None of us needed anything.

I think owning your burdens
is half the battle.

Turk knows that he'll eventually have to
decide what his priorities really are.

Baby, come to bed.

And Dr Cox knows he has to find
something else to hang his hat on.

You, my friend, are going to be
the best baseball player in the world,

which will make me the best baseball
player in the world's father.

Can't you hear it, Jack?
Can't you hear it?

Still, it's not that daunting

if you look around and
see what other people have to deal with.

- Good night, Dr Casey.
- Good night, JD.