Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 3, Episode 11 - My Clean Break - full transcript

Hey, chocolate bear. I didn't have time
to shower. Did you wax your dome?

I sure did, why?

- Thanks, pal.
- Uh-huh.

Hold up.

Chapped.

Easy, mooch,
that stuff is 40 bucks a tin.

With hospital hours, you don't have time
to worry about your appearance.

It may sound sexist, but with the female
doctors, it's more noticeable.

Hey, Janice, is it windy out?

No. Why do you always ask me that?

Because I'm captain of my
kite flying team. The Mighty Kites?



OK, just say something innocuous.

Morning, gentlemen.

Most of them don't even bother trying,
except, of course...

Hey, girlfriends.

How do you have time
to look so good every morning?

Oh, this?
Yeah, it doesn't take long.

I guess everyone
has their morning routines.

Hi, cutie.
Since you have so many balls

and too many toys
can be overstimulating for an infant,

Brantley here was wondering
if he could borrow one.

That's funny
because Jack was just wondering

why the crazy lady
who spent the last hour chain smoking

and talking on her cell phone
while her kid ate sand

would come over to two strangers
and give them parenting advice.



He also thanked me
for not naming him Brantley.

I love our family.

Married With Children? Awesome.

- Has Kelly been on yet?
- Here she comes.

Hi, Daddy.

Where's Danni?
We're gonna be late for our movie.

Stop. Let me just go grab a sweater.
I love you.

- She's using the "L" word.
- We're not really that serious.

This isn't the movies.

I just wanted you to see this
because if I move here,

this would be the type of place
we could afford.

- Out-of-body experience?
- Yeah. I have to break up with her.

Dude, relax. Enjoy the show.
Have a Bugle.

Your ghost hands is cold.

I wanted to pretend I had witch nails.

- What?
- Nothing.

I can't believe how comfortable I am
talking to you over these last months.

I'd still be with my old shrink

if I hadn't cut across the park
when the fair was on

and realised that the man
I tell my secrets to

likes to put on a big giant beard
and pretend that he is a blacksmith.

Anyway, something weird
has been going on with me lately.

I have been sleeping more,
I have been drinking alone less.

I've even started complimenting people.

Come on, get your pump on.

God help me, if you get any more buff
I'll be sure that you're gay.

I'm gonna get more buff.

Dr Cox never compliments me.

Well, he should. Your new look
has changed my perspective.

For instance,
this is not a broom with fraying edges.

This is now a broom that reminds me
of your bangs, tough and spunky.

That is exactly
the look that I was going for.

Really?

How about I give you a ride
to your next destination?

To the morgue!

Watch it!

So did you break up with her?

I was going to but I looked in her eyes
and I realised how rare it is

to meet someone who's willing
to have sex with me.

How did you have sex with her?

You know how the couch
in the living room has those high arms.

A guy will sleep with any woman
he finds attractive,

no matter how he feels about her.

If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom
and then offered to have sex with me,

I'd have to dial 911 in the nude
because my pants would be off.

That's sweet.
While your mother lays there dying.

- Tell her.
- His mom doesn't die.

Tyra uses her supermodel connections
to get government scientists

to put Turk's mom's brain
into Heidi Klum's body.

She falls in love with me.
We all move in together.

It'd be awkward at first
but I'd make it work.

- Because I love my mom.
- And I would love her too.

New low.

Mrs Gorski,
I know shingles are never fun.

Apart from the games we made up
on my parent's new roof.

It was like hide-and-seek
only we'd throw shingles at each other.

Ah, summer time.

A positive attitude can help you feel
better so let's see a big old smile.

Excuse me,
can I borrow Dr Reid?

You may keep her.

I like to think
that our patients choose our hospital

not only because I leak rumours
about competing hospitals to the press,

but also because
when they see one of our doctors,

they think, "Now that's a professional."

I don't think I look unprofessional.

I've let this whole new look
thing slide the last few months

but now your colleagues are complaining,

I'm going to give you the same advice
I give my son every morning.

Lose the make-up, get a haircut and stop
using my razor to shave your fun zone.

- I hate missing practice.
- Me too.

Mighty Kites.

Morning, class. As residency director,
it is my pleasure

to have surgical
and medical personnel with us today.

In this room we have enough brainpower
to light up a city.

Not a real city, mind you,
but definitely a tiny ant city

whose government has passed
stringent energy conservation laws.

Stringent what?

Stringent up doc.
It's happening.

Yes, Nervous Guy?

What's up doc?

OK, people, biphasic defibrillators.

How many of you had a chance
to practice on the mannequin?

With the defibrillator?

And I assume none of you
have even looked at the literature?

And I didn't do anything.
No yelling, no breaking stuff, nothing.

And right then,
I figured out what that feeling was

that I was having in the park
with my family. I'm... happy.

Now does that not just make you sick?

Keep your eyes on the prize.

Focus on how great it is to be single,
chasing tail. I miss it every day.

Don't you care
if you ever have sex again?

Baby, I'm trying to keep my man psyched.
JD's never broken up with anyone.

I don't like hurting people.
I'm gonna do the honourable thing.

I'm gonna have a fireman tell Danni
I burned to death.

Bambi, you owe her closure. Hell, you
owe it to every woman you've ever dated.

Listen, Danni.

Lisa.

Drunk friend of the girl
I really wanted to hook up with.

It's not all of you. It's me.

Scott Gerber?

At soccer camp, I told you
I wanted to be more than friends.

- I thought you meant teammates.
- Well, I didn't.

He used to borrow my jersey
and wear it as jammies.

Hey, Danni, it's me.
What are you up to?

- I'm keeping busy.
- Great.

- Listen, something's been on my mind.
- Me, too.

I feel like my life is so scattered.
You're the only good thing I have going.

Awesome.

- How's he doing?
- The boy's got no biscuits.

I am trying to break
someone's heart here, OK?

Do you have a second to talk?

Actually, I'm kind of swamped right now.
Let me get back to you, OK?

Elliot, What's wrong?

- Forget it, you're busy.
- Come on. I always have time for you.

Have the doctors been
making fun of the way I look?

What? I've never even heard
anything like that. Why?

Hell, yeah.

Only the girl ones.
And, you know, they're all...

- Cat fight?
- Sorry, Todd.

Let's try and be more careful
when we use that noise, OK? God!

I haven't been this happy
since Christmas when I was seven

and my father showed me
how to make a snow angel.

Actually, he was passed out
drunk in the yard

but I did take his arms and his legs
and move them back and forth and...

the paramedics said
it was a great snow angel.

Maybe the fact that I am
the kinder, gentler Cox is OK.

Maybe it's a natural progression.

It's not like
there's any real ramifications.

Right?

What the hell, Peter Pants?
Are you the only one here?

I drew the short straw. I have to press
"record" on all the tape players.

Of course you do.
But you don't expect me...

Where is everybody?

They all had
really important things to do.

Hello, citizens.

Welcome to Sacred Heart,
home of the world's most giant doctor.

Be not afraid.
I'm just like you, except I'm giant.

My tush is chafing.

All right, my turn to get on top.

We tried playing Giant Black Guy,
remember? People ran.

- Damn.
- And I gotta go deal with Danni.

- You want me to talk to her for you?
- No.

If someone doesn't care enough to do it
themselves it's like they never cared.

Hey, guys.
JD, Danni's breaking up with you.

Darn. See you.

What?

How many times do I have to tell you?
Stop wearing my coat.

Sorry, about that, Chet.

Which is Chet's?
We gotta put his coat back.

Oh, I think it's this one.

Look at the size of this Odor Eater.
We could surf on it.

I don't understand
why Danni's breaking up with me.

OK, words cannot describe
the smell that is currently on my cheek.

You wanna go back in just cos she
rejected you? Who else is that crazy?

Not one resident showed up.
Not one. Would you like to know why?

Because they're not scared of me
any more and I blame you.

You have turned me into this soft,
emotionally open, pathetic freak at home

and it's bleeding over into work.

Happy birthday to you

And many more.

Oh, my God!

Happy birthday.

Oh, people, I've been here 23 years. For
the last time, I'm allergic to coconut.

Elliot, have you been
in the supply closet crying?

Carla, I don't do that any more.

Oh, my God, I look like Alice Cooper.

You know, I shouldn't have to feel bad
for wanting to look good.

You don't, what with your
bohemian scarves and pirate earrings.

Thank you for noticing.

It's different for nurses.
We're not judged for being feminine.

But if a doctor puts in too much effort
the men won't take her seriously

and the women will think she's showing
them up. It's a dumb stereotype.

You just have to decide
if it's worth the hassle.

Laverne.

Good cake, though.

Hello?

Your honker's cute in person,
peephole not your friend.

Sorry, did I interrupt you
from trying to eat your baby?

Danni's not here.

Do you know how hard it was
for me to come here?

- Gotcha.
- Oh, God.

Not getting up
until you come to your senses.

Get your coffee on, dawg.

Say what you want, those big round
cheeks are warm in the morning.

- What?
- I wanna know why she broke up with me.

Well, why don't you just...
ask her yourself.

Not cool.

Now there you go, sweetheart.

Now you look more like a doctor
and less like a lap dance.

Thank you, sir.

Floor's wet.

I liked the way blonde-haired doctor
looked. She brightened my day.

But you don't care, do you?
Because you're unconscious.

I'm pretty much thinking
it's time to get the fear back.

Now I'm sorry, but I think life is just
too short to spend it working someplace

where people don't crap their pants
at the sight of you.

OK, listen up, people,
this part is crucial.

In order to use the biphasic
defibrillator we have to...

Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Elliot. Is it greasy outside?

That is so stupid.
Elliot, you look smart.

- Hello?
- Of course I'm smart, I'm a doctor.

What's up, doc! I just got it.

Maybe Danni thinks I'm too smart.

You're dating a guy named Danny?
Is he hot?

I know it's a clich? but sailors say
it is the calm before the storm

that lets you know the danger's coming.

First off, let me just say thank you.

For the last couple of months
I have been adrift

in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops
and, let's face it, mediocre metaphors.

You people were kind enough
to piss all over learning a procedure

that could determine
whether some poor sucker lives or dies.

And that reminded me of something
that I wanted to remind you of.

Because you see, I am accountable.

I am accountable for the continuous,
crashing, undeniable amateurism

that you people drag into this hospital,
day in and day out.

And believe me, the next time
one of you perpetual disappointments

doesn't even have the common decency

to try and do better
at something you supposedly do,

I will toss your sorry ass
out of here in about ten seconds

and then I will forget you forever
in the next five.

OK, Nervous Guy, bring that nervous butt
up here, lose the shirt,

we're gonna show these people
how this thing works.

- Nice tan there, champ.
- Thanks.

Clear.

After Cox exploded at us, so many
thoughts are racing through my head.

We have been slacking off lately.
How did Doug get such incredible abs?

And what the hell
is the deal with Danni?

After you dressed up Rowdy, did you trim
the clumpy areas around his butt?

Yeah.

Thanks.
He was due for a good grooming.

- Look...
- Just tell me why.

- Your cell phone wasn't turned off.
- What?

When you called me.

Actually, I'm swamped, Danni.
Sorry, I gotta go.

Elliot, what's wrong?

Oh, forget it, you're busy.

Come on, I always have time for you.

That stupid phone. That's how
Turk found out I collect scarves.

You're still not over Elliot
and until you are,

no one's ever gonna have a chance
to get close to you. Right?

That silence,
that's you breaking up with me.

I finally broke up with someone.

- How are you doing, Elliot?
- Great.

I spend my life in a place
filled with misery and sickness.

If I need to feel good about myself,
the hell with everybody.

I think you look beautiful.
I wouldn't change a thing.

I did tone down
the eye make-up a bit.

Oh, thank God! You looked so slutty.

There. All done.

I look hot.

Everybody has their own way
of getting through the day.

For some, it's as simple
as standing up for a friend.

And getting away with it.

For others, it's talking things out.

I know what you're thinking.
Believe me, I do.

Why would a civilized, uptown man
of the millennium such as myself

even go ahead and give a good rat's ass

about whether a bunch of snot-nosed,
baby docs were afraid of him, right?

Well, unfortunately the only way
I know how to teach is through fear.

And I tell you this because I know

that this particular shortcoming
will invariably affect your life.

And again, sorry about the gay sailor's
outfit. Your mother loves it.

She couldn't be more pleasant
when you have it on.

Take it off, nut bag.
Put it on, pleasant, approachable.

As for me, if I'm not over Elliot,

I might as well wait it out
for the long haul.

But I'm not gonna ignore opportunity
if it falls in my lap.

Hey, Sheila.

- Leave me alone.
- OK.

JD, let's get going. Sean's calling me
at home in ten minutes.

Oh, this is gonna suck.