Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 9 - My Lucky Day - full transcript

Oh, thank God!
We were looking all over for you.

Rowdy, bad. I don't know why
he always goes to your door.

- Do you have a stuffed cat?
- Nothing?

That's 14 times we've done
it to him, and not one laugh.

Mark it up.

Let's get going to Elliot's.

Elliot's dad
cut her off financially.

Luckily, she's got friends
to rally around her.

- You got any food?
- How're you holding up, hon?

OK.

Talk about a deluxe
apartment in the sky.



Elliot, it would really suck
to lose this place.

Then again, Elliot,
this place is...

Is that a Jacuzzi
on your deck?

Lately, I just feel
like I'm drowning, you know?

This pear is delicious.

Need help packing?

As bad as things were
for Elliot...

Oh, God, that's good.

...they were going
pretty well for me.

I guarantee you that's a simple
case of cellulitis right there.

Actually, Dr Cox,
I was watching TV last night,

and they had this special
on flesh-eating bacteria.

Necrotizing fasciitis. Yes?

They called it
flesh-eating bacteria



to sound more flashy,
hook in all the idiots.

- Apparently it worked.
- Anyhoo, point being,

they said it was easy to confuse
cellulitis with Chompers.

Chompers was the animated, flesh-eating
bacteria that narrated the special.

Look, Britney, recently I made
the potentially fatal mistake

of getting back together
with my ex-wife who, angel that she is,

is carrying the spawn
of another man's seed.

So forgive me if I sound
irritable when I tell you

I don't care what piece
of irrelevant drivel

you picked off TV
while you were snuggled up

in your Holly Hobby PJs.

Come on, trust yourself.

I think you're wrong.

Really?

- Well, I think you're...
- Brilliant!

Necrotizing fasciitis. That's a
one-in-a-million diagnosis, son.

- One-in-a-million.
- It's nothing, sir.

Anyone could have
made that call.

And yet... they didn't.

The student becomes
the teacher, eh, Perry?

- Warms my heart.
- Thank you, sir.

I don't care about you, son!
I'm trying to do something here.

Rats! He broke my rhythm.

This is just about the greatest
moment of your life, huh, Newbie?

Holy crap,
it's David Copperfield.

Well, definitely top two.

What's that I see in your ear?

Cool. A coin.

- Do you want it?
- Here, you take it.

Oh, magic!

- No, top three, top three.
- Oh, God.

By showing up Dr Cox,

I told the world
I was no longer a child.

I was the man.

- Great diagnosis.
- You!

There's Mr Flesh-Eating
Bacteria, huh?

Doctor, could you
sign these, please?

Sure.

"To my two biggest fans..."

Yeah, they're called "breasts."

I know. I'm a doctor.

Eunice, you never
would have made that catch

if you weren't such a nerd,

sitting home alone
on a Saturday night,

watching some
medical special on TV.

Firstly, in your face,
because it was Friday night.

Secondly, I would have
made the catch regardless.

If you use your head
and do some homework,

medicine is just
basically science.

Please explain medicine to me,

because without you
I don't know what to do.

Admitting it is the first step.
Am I right, Ace?

You are correct, sir!

That's enough on that one.
We've clearly exhausted it.

- Hey, stud.
- Hello.

I hear wonder boy spanked
your ass harder than I usually do.

Such a lucky foetus!
Not another damn word.

Yeah, I'll say whatever I want.

Hell, yeah.

Yes, hello? Could we please
get my hormonal,

extremely annoying
ex-wife's amnio underway?

I can't wait to write
that down in the baby journal.

- Could you be a bigger ass?
- Could you have a bigger ass?

Why does he keep
going back to her?

Why do people
keep marrying Larry King?

- He looks like a frog.
- Dr Cox and I go way back.

I just hate to see him
setting himself up to get hurt.

- I'm gonna talk to him.
- Here we go.

What? Where we go?

You have a habit
of telling other people

how to live their lives
and maybe, possibly,

sometimes people
don't appreciate it, that's...

- A little.
- Please!

When do I ever get involved
in people's personal business?

Elliot, listen to me. You have
to sit down and make a budget.

I called my mom today to see
if she could convince my dad

to send some cash, right?
She says I should think of this

as an opportunity,
then she hung up on me.

- Just like that?
- I may have told her

she spends more money dyeing
her roots than I do on groceries.

This thing is just as much
her fault as it is my father's.

Neither one of them
prepared me for this.

Elliot, my dad's an office
supplies salesman, a bad one.

So things were a little
different for me growing up.

See, this is a bicycle bell.

Now, you hold onto this,

because I'm gonna give you
a different part every year.

Maybe after the party
we can take it out for a spin.

- Great.
- OK?

Still waiting on that kickstand.

It's just hard for me because
I've always had everything.

I got used to it. You guys
never had to deal with that.

Yeah, we're lucky.

I think patients are like snowflakes.
No two are alike.

We've got two new admissions,
both male, both mid-40s,

both with thrombotic
thrombocytopenic purpura.

I bet that snowflake thing
is bogus, too.

I say we let Super Doc here
take 'em.

Are you too busy
eating sour grapes?

Oh, look who peeked
in his shorts and found a pair.

Do you feel like you
finally took on the old man

in a game of one-on-one
and kicked his ass?

Here's the newsflash there,
Skeech, it was a fluke.

- I'll do it again.
- All right, fair enough.

Here's your chance.
Two identical patients.

I say we divide 'em up,
just like in The Parent Trap.

One goes with the sexy,
freewheeling bachelor dad, hello.

The other goes with the neurotic,

sexually-repressed mom,
just you all over.

And I checked
tonight's TV listings.

There is no special
on that disease,

so you're gonna wanna stop
at the Blockbuster.

Please, I know all there is
to know about thrombotic...

thrombo cyto... top... toppy...

Thrombotic
thrombocytopenic purpura.

Yeah, baby,
just walk right by him.

OK? Just walk right by him.

I'm proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.

Dr Cox, hi.

Dammit, I said walk right by him!

Listen, we just think
that getting back with Jordan

might be a mistake.

You guys just don't seem to...

- What am I trying to say, baby?
- I don't know.

You just don't connect
the way a couple should.

Do you know what I mean?

That pretty much the way
you feel about it there, Gandhi?

I don't know.

Interesting.

Mr Bragin, it is so great
to see you back in the hospital.

I got a tube in my penis.

You're just a little
dehydrated from the chemo.

Plus, there are no signs
of your pancreatic cancer.

You should be ecstatic.
Nine months ago

I told you you had eight months
to live. Remember?

- I vaguely recall that.
- Yeah, of course you do.

That is totally my fault.
Who knew we could cure cancer?

I prepared myself, you know?

I was really ready.

Yeah.

Dr Reid, have you ever
faced your own mortality?

Before senior prom I tried
to wax my own eyebrows

and took them both clean off.

Yeah.

And by that, I mean "no." Never.

Must have been
a tough time for you.

Sure.

Thanks for starting
the Solumedrol on my TTP patient.

I'm sorry I'm being
such a pain about this guy.

Dr Cox and I have
this little competition going.

I know that probably
seems insensitive to you...

Sweetheart, you don't have
to explain yourself to me.

But get your story straight
when you come face-to-face with Jesus.

The chart for Dr Cox's TTP patient.

I could look and see,
but I'm not that insecure about my...

I will get it.

Yes! He's doing
the exact same thing.

When you work in a hospital,
and things are going well,

you should enjoy it,
because around every corner

there's something waiting
to take it all away.

Dr Reid, I need to talk to you
about your patient, Mr Bragin.

Isn't it great?
He's cancer-free.

Yay! He's suing you
for malpractice.

It's OK. Relax.
I told him how I felt,

he listened,
and nobody got hurt. It's fine.

Which one of you two's
been messing with my business?

Of course,
every once in a while

you manage
to get away scot-free.

Hey, Dr Cox.

You'll be happy to know
that I did everything for my patient

that you did for yours.

My God, I care so little
I almost passed out.

Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded.
I pronounced him.

- He died?
- I certainly hope so.

Otherwise that autopsy's
going to be a bitch.

- Boy, that's tough.
- What?

I'd talk you through this,
but I gotta go check on my patient.

You see... He's still alive.

Oh, no.

How the hell did my patient die?

You started corticosteroids, so did I.

You did plasmapheresis, so did I.

You yelled at Mark the orderly,
so did I.

Hey, Mark.

- See, he's pissed.
- Because his name is Frank.

Now, as far as your
patient's concerned,

Newbie, I'm afraid you
forgot a very important thing.

For whatever reason
I was fed up.

I've been working my ass off here
for the last year and a half,

and the last thing I need

is another one
of your condescending speeches

where you spoon-feed me some lesson
and call me a girl's name.

Have it your way there,
Carol, cos I'm out.

- Good luck, everyone.
- Go ahead. Walk away.

Because I'm not gonna
obsess about this.

Can you put a rush on this autopsy?
I gotta figure this out.

You got some crumbs in his hair.

A lawsuit? So you're suing me
because you're not dying?

I didn't want to face my mortality.
You forced me to.

Now I can't earn any money
because my job seems trivial.

I can't be in a relationship,
cos what's the point?

Here's the topper.
Remember my judgmental father

I hadn't spoken to in 15 years?

Good news, doc,
we've patched things up.

Guess who's coming over
Saturday to watch the game

and tell me what a jerk I am?

You asked how much
time you had left!

- You said I'd be dead by now.
- You're not! So, sue me!

- I am.
- It was a figure of speech.

And your dad
was right about you.

- You tell him yourself.
- Hey, Assface.

Hiya, Pops.

Excuse me, ma'am. Jordan!

Carla has something
she'd like to tell you. Carla.

I didn't mean to upset you,

even though everything I said
was true and you know it.

Baby, that is a God-awful apology,
just God-awful.

It's cos she's not really sorry.
Honey, I know your type.

It's easy to see
other people's problems

from up there on your pedestal.

But you better be careful,
cos if you fall off

and have to walk around
down here with the rest of us,

you might catch
a glimpse of yourself in a mirror,

or the surface of a pond,
your boyfriend's gigantic, shiny head,

and trust me, you're not gonna
like what you see.

My head's not...

A little help here!

I'm sorry, kid.
I didn't see anything unusual.

Couldn't he have bled out
or had an MI?

I don't know. I didn't look
for any of those basic things

because I'm horrible at my job.

Dr Walch. Murder She Wrote.

You caught me.
I'm checking on my patient.

- How is that guy doing?
- Not great.

What in the hell
is going on in here?

The amnio
triggered premature labour.

She's only 24 weeks.
Cut it out right now.

- Is he yelling at me?
- Yes, he is.

I'm gonna give you
a shot of Terbutaline.

And you know what else?
He said I had a fat ass before.

The nice kind.

Look, I don't get
a lot of women in here.

What's your honest opinion
of these drapes?

They're fine, Ted.
But I'm getting sued.

You're right.
You're right. You're right.

- Now, by "fine"...
- Ted!

- Just time to calm down now.
- I'm fine.

Actually, I was talking to myself.

Now, you haven't discussed the lawsuit
with Mr Bragin, have you?

A lawsuit?

It sort of came up, yeah.

Oh, God! Tell me
you didn't antagonize him.

- So sue me!
- Or admit fault.

That is totally my fault.

Oh, come on! A good lawyer
couldn't win this case.

New drapes. They're awful.

Dr Kelso, why does
everything keep happening to me?

Take a breath, Dr Reid.

In and out.
That's it, that's it.

Now, you went
to four years of college

and four years
of medical school,

so I can safely presume
that you are at least eight.

My God, little girl,

grow up and say "how-do"
to the world of modern medicine.

My God. I've been sued four times.

- Ten times.
- Come on, Ted, let's go.

Let's go!

I think you should go in there
and apologize.

No. I didn't say anything
that wasn't true.

I just wanna see if she's OK.

She's fine.

Would you please
have the nurse covering Jordan

page me the moment she wakes up?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Hey, Dr Cox, I'm sorry.

I was frustrated before,
so now I'm here,

why don't you tell me what I forgot?

- Can I? Really?
- Sure. Hit me.

- How about go to hell, Shakira?
- What?

Now you've decided you're ready
to listen, how does it work?

Gonna pull a string on my back?
Step right up and give it a tug.

But I bet it keeps coming up,
"Go to hell, Shakira."

Why do you always
have to be like that?

I try harder than anyone
and you never give me any credit.

You listen to me.

I'm not doing this because I get
my jollies being your mentor,

and I'm not doing it
so years from now I can say,

"Boy, I knew him when."

I'm doing it because if I don't,
people would die.

Thanks for your help.

You know what, Mr Bragin?
I figured something out.

- That damn nurse broke my bed.
- That's just it.

You blame everyone else for anything
that goes wrong. Like this.

The nurse didn't break your bed.
You just press this button.

All right, it is broken.

If you hate your job,
switch careers.

If you can't get a relationship,
you have problems.

And I know I'm right. I'm the same.

I blame my parents
for not preparing me,

this hospital
for taking up all of my time.

I'm even blaming you
for jeopardizing my future.

But you know what?
It's time for me to grow up

and start holding
myself accountable.

- And I'm doing it.
- Good for you.

You're still suing me, aren't you?

Yeah, but I feel like now
you'll be able to handle it.

You know what?
We're just gonna have to get him fixed.

Good news is,
he doesn't need to go to a vet.

We could just pop
these things right off.

Yes! Baby,
you have got to tell JD,

because he is not gonna believe it.

Jordan was right about me.

I'm insecure and I judge
people to cover up for it.

Even right now,
all I can think about

is to tell you
you're a surgeon now,

and you have to start
acting like an adult.

You had to say all of that?

You don't listen unless
people spell it out for you.

- Oh, my God, I can't stop.
- Baby...

Maybe it's something
you need to work on.

I promise you, I will never ever
tell you what to do, ever again.

Yeah, you will. But with me
it's OK, because I love you.

Besides, I barely listen anyway.

C'mon, Rowdy. Let's go, boy.
Let's head up the fourth floor.

Whoa! Whoa, boy!

Slow down!

As I sat there, searching
for answers about my patient,

I realized that
I still needed Dr Cox.

It's hard to face a harsh truth
about yourself.

The only thing you can do
is try to take positive steps.

Unfortunately, it's hard
to take positive steps

when you've burned the bridge
you need to walk across.

It was luck.

- What?
- The thing that you forgot.

Turns out, whatever
you know about medicine,

ultimately luck or fate or God

or who knows what
is always gonna end up

playing a much bigger role
than you and I ever will.

It was lucky you were watching
that show the other night,

and it was unlucky
that your patient went the other way,

even though you did
everything right,

and for the record, you did.

I was looking over your shoulder
every step of the way.

- Thanks.
- It wasn't a favour, Newbie.

It was my job.