Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 8 - My Fruit Cups - full transcript

As a doctor, you spend
about a third of your nights

sleeping at the hospital,
but in truth,

not a lot of sleeping takes place.

- Dr Reid.
- I'm not sucking my thumb.

Mr Rodriguez is coding.

- You look pretty.
- Thank you.

You learn to appreciate
the little things,

Iike waking up in your own bed.

Of course, if there's someone
there with you...

- Sorry I woke you.
- I'll live.

... that's just gravy.



Yep, there's nothing
like mornings at home.

- Hey, there, sunshine.
- Morning.

I forgot Carla
is staying with us

while her building
is being fumigated.

Hey, don't use Rowdy to cover up
your giblets. Apologize.

T ell me why we have no milk
or orange juice,

but, like, 40 fruit cups in here?

The average resident
owes over $100,000

in med school loans and makes
about as much as a waiter.

So you have to do things
to make ends meet.

Like you can cover
someone's shift.

Or you can steal stuff
from the hospital.

Or you can moonlight
at an urgent care centre.

Or you can steal stuff.



Or your dad
can pay for everyhing.

Or... Well, you know.

- Is it clear?
- Come on, come on.

Go! Go! Run!

- Hold up.
- Why?

There's been several thefts.
We're doing bag checks.

What about that guy
taking scrubs?

Hey, Tom.

He doesn't have a bag.

Go ahead, narc. I'm clean.

Yeah?

Of course,
if he was checking my trunk...

- Pudding. Score!
- Come on! Let's go, let's go!

Get me a butterscotch, buddy.

Come on!

I did that cardioversion,
I extubated Mrs Bays,

and I finished
all the transfer summaries

- on the nursing-home patients.
- Well, what can I say?

You did exceptional work today,
Newbie, and I'm proud of you.

Did he just wink at me?

- Is there a problem?
- I'm just so happy.

- No, no problem, sir.
- Attaboy.

And, Laverne,

what is that delightfully
naught-ay scent you're wearing?

It's called Twelve-Hour Shift.

- Yeah, it is.
- Why the hell is he so cheery?

Because I did
exceptional work today.

Hey, babe.

I ordered the fight on pay-per-view,
got a six-pack of beer.

- We are leaving this second.
- Hop on, Blondie. Come here.

Oh, Perry gonna get
some loving

Perry gonna get some loving
Oh, Perry gonna get some...

Is there one bathroom
in this damn place

that has toilet paper,
or do I have to start

carrying around
a basket of leaves?

This is the reason why
your headache didn't go away.

That's actually pronounced
analgesic, not "anal"-gesic.

Sir, the pills go in your mouth.

We're going to be short
a doctor tomorrow,

so if you've got a friend
that wants an extra 300 bucks...

And they said they'll pay you
200 bucks. Cash money.

Sweet! Dude, you are
like the best friend ever.

Hell, yeah.

My mother
lives with me all year.

My Aunt has to take care of her
for one week

and she won't stop bitching.

My dad's coming in to town
for a conference tomorrow.

- You don't seem stressed out.
- I haven't pooed in six days.

Twice this morning,
and I haven't even had my coffee yet.

You really pick odd things
to brag about.

I'm just saying,
if I had to get three by lunch,

I probably could.

Hey, guys.
Gyno Girls, twelve o'clock.

Obstetrics and Gynaecology
is a specialty

that's usually
dominated by women.

Dr Reid, I'm Dr Gerson.
We were just wondering

if you have any thoughts
about your specialty,

because we really think
you're OB/GYN material.

Being a Gyno Girl
is a lot like being in a sorority.

JD, I can't go with Dr Gerson
because I have to help you, right?

Give me a second. I'm figuring
something out for a patient.

I'm glad we all finally
experimented with each other,

but I'll never do it again.

Dammit.

- Julie!
- Hey, Rob! Good to see you.

Hey, Dan!

God, I just hate that every doctor
you ever gave a drug sample to

sniffs around you
like a little puppy dog.

I never gave those guys anything.
I slept with them.

Great.

Those Gyno Girls
are putting the pressure on.

We must have looked
at a hundred women's bajingos today.

Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo.

I mean, I can't even look
at my own bajingo, you know?

Is that because
it looks so much like a vagina?

Carla, there's people!
You know, forget it.

I'm gonna tell them
I'm not interested.

I think you should.

- Sir, why are you laughing?
- Who knows?

It could be the funny face
I made with my peas.

But, gun to my head,
I'd say I'm laughing

at the notion that you could
stand up to anyone.

There we go.

Moonlighting sucks,
but Turk and I make do.

Now, will a lollipop
put a smile on your face?

How about if Dr Turk sings
Jimmy Crack Corn?

How about if Dr Turk sings
Jimmy Crack Corn

as Neil Diamond?

- OK.
- Hit it.

Hold this for me.

Dr Dorian, we could
use you again tomorrow

if you'd like to make
another $300.

300?

Luckily for Turk,
revenge is a dish best served cold.

Not unlike
this tapioca pudding.

We're zeroing in on the guy
that's been stealing stuff.

Oh. Well, that's good.

Yep. In fact, right now
I'm dusting for fingerprints.

- Really?
- Nah, I'm just dusting.

I finished those discharge
dictations you wanted,

and I was able to get
Mrs Jeskie on the transplant list.

And here comes the wink.

OK, maybe I'll start it off.

My God, Sabrina, you had better
tell me you had laser eye surgery

and they accidentally severed
the muscle that holds that lid up,

because you did not
just wink at me.

I didn't mean anything by it.
I wink at everybody.

Hey, Dr Kelso.

Save it
for the bathhouses, sport.

Oh, boy.

Don't be angry at Bambi.

I'm not. My girlfriend
serviced most of the staff.

I'm proud of her commitment
to medicine.

What about the women
you've slept with?

Your ex-wife, that med student,
your ex-wife,

the radiology nurse,
your ex-wife...

- Would you get off my ex-wife?
- I will if you will.

Dammit. Gosh, now I'm too proud
of you to be mad at you.

So, Dad, how are things at home?

Good, good. Your mom
re-did the bedroom again.

I'm going to keep mine
the way it is.

You don't want to be a couple
that does everything together.

Sorry.

- Hello?
- I just wanted you to know,

I faced up
to those Gyno Girls

with a very strong and clear
"no, thank you."

Yes, I heard about your note.

The point is that I'm out.

That was your mom.
She said to say something.

So, did Dr Gerson
ever contact you?

You told her to talk to me?

She went to med school
with a colleague at my hospital.

Come on, I want to go
see the department.

Paging Dr Backbone
to the Bajingo Ward.

You wanna grab
a couple of beers tonight?

Can't. I'm moonlighting
at urgent care.

That's funny.
The lady didn't call me.

Because I found out
you stole $1 00 from me,

- and I Marcia Brady'd your ass.
- What?

When Marcia worked
at the ice-cream shop,

and she got Jan a job,
and they liked Jan better

so they fired Marcia.

Marcia Gets Creamed,
season five, episode three.

Don't ever question me
on The Bunch.

There's no way
they liked you better than me.

Then maybe it's because I told her
that you smoke the ganja.

What? That's not even true.
You're a jackass.

Where you going? Munchies?

- Stay tuned for Survivor.
- I so don't think so.

Hey, I was watching that.

I know, but it's my place,
so it's house rules.

Look, I feel like I owe you
an apology here.

Really? For what?

Just for being so jealous
and pissy lately.

I guess I just kinda
got hung up on the fact

that you were with,
you know, Dr Jasper,

and Dr Michaels,

and Dr Stone...
Was it his ear hair?

Is that what was so compelling
about him? Never mind.

The point is that
this relationship here

is about the present,
and it's about the future,

and I won't let anything
from our past

ever get in our way again.

- Deal?
- Deal.

Keys still work.

Excellent.

Jordan, please tell me you
ate a raccoon

and it's making its way
through your digestive system.

Don't worry.
It's not your baby.

Though not for lack of trying.
See, we have sex a lot.

- Who are you?
- Who do you think I am?

Well, you have keys
to the apartment,

so I'm gonna say the maid.

Julie, this is
my ex-wife, Jordan.

Jordan, this is
my girlfriend, Julie.

OK, that was a treat,
wasn't it?

Would you like me
to call you a cab,

or have the flying monkeys
bring the broom around?

Oh, no.
He called you his girlfriend.

If I were you,
I'd gather your tiny panties up,

because I think you're done.

I'm already bored by you.
I will be in the bedroom.

Come join me when Tubby leaves.

Who did that to you?

I was at this
fabulous hotel in Greece,

chock full of available,
wealthy men...

- So it was the bellboy?
- Or busboy, or pool-boy.

Something "boy." I don't know.

Anyway, when I first
found out, I panicked.

Then I thought, I've been drifting
through life all these years.

I need to look into my heart
and see what really matters to me.

Anyway, I decided
to keep the stupid kid.

Cut out the middle man
and have a therapist deliver him.

Honestly, Jordan,
why are you telling me this?

Because I've also decided
that I want you back.

Yep, we got him.
And he's gonna pay.

They're arresting him
for stealing pudding and toilet paper?

No, they found 20 bottles
of Vicodin in his backpack.

Did you steal pudding
and toilet paper?

What? No! I hate pudding
and I don't use toilet paper.

I have one of
those French things

that shoots water up your butt.

- Bidet?
- Bidet to you, sir.

- I miss you.
- I miss you too.

I thought I was going
to see you last night.

I frickin' caught an EMT shift,

and I was riding
in an ambulance all night.

That's cool.
Did they let you run the siren?

I'm not talking to you. And yes.

- Quit being such a baby.
- Bab... You stole my job.

- You stole my money.
- That was a finder's fee.

Oh, yeah? Well, find this!

You should grab your crotch
when you say that.

Wouldn't that hurt?

So this is where we all hang out.
It's neat, huh?

It's a hellhole.

Dad, why...are you so set
on me being an OB/GYN?

Look, honey,
your highest income potential

as a female physician
is in obstetrics.

But don't you think
that maybe it's time

that you left those
sort of things up to me?

Well, since I paid
for your college,

your medical school, your car,

and now your apartment
and your living expenses,

I'd have to say "no."

Good God. Someone vomited
on my hotdog.

It's chilli, Dad, OK?
And you know what?

I appreciate everything
you've given me, but it's my life.

Now stop complaining
and enjoy your damn meal.

Oh, my God. That's disgusting.

Jordan, I don't know
what to tell you.

Are you ever coming in, Perry?

You can join us,
but I doubt you'll fit on the bed.

OK, have one last fling,
but I'll be back, and until then,

everywhere you look,
you'll see me.

Everywhere anybody looks,
they'll see you.

- Oh, it is so on.
- Bring it.

Oh, God...

Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.

So now you're ignoring me?

Because of you I gotta ride
around in an ambulance

and you know I get carsick.

Come on, Turk. Turk.

Hey, idiot. Ha. I said
"idiot" and you looked.

Hey, help me carry
this computer to my van.

You can't just take a computer.

Help me or we check
the trunk of your car.

Stay low.

Look, morning sickness sucks.
Believe me, I know.

I've been there.

Hey, Jordan, are you...
Are you crying?

No. I don't know.

I'm just completely hormonal.

I mean, you try going
from out-of-control horny

to clinically depressed
six times a day.

Give me a break. I can knock
that out on the way to work.

Hey, lady, I'm proud
of what you're doing here.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

Thanks.

Last chance.
Do you want me or not?

Oh, Jordan, I'm so sorry, but...

Forget it. I was kidding.
I was kidding, really.

- Help me up.
- Help you up? Help me up.

You'll need two hands.

You think you could help me out?

Carla, why won't Turk
let this go?

Marie, she's only with you
for one week.

- Carla...
- Hold on a second.

Bambi, I've got ten messages
from my mother,

my Aunt Marie keeps
calling me about my mother,

I gotta run home
and put out canned cat food

because the dry stuff
doesn't cut it anymore,

plus Turk and l
can't be together

cos I'm working doubles
and he's moonlighting

so we can send my mother
to a decent retirement community.

- So what, Bambi, what?
- We'll talk later.

Carla said something that made
me realize what I had to do.

That's it for me.
I'm gonna get my stuff and leave.

- What are you doing in here?
- She said "we."

- What?
- Carla, she said "we."

"We" need to scrape
some money together.

And it wasn't just like
a "we're dating" we.

It was a "we're gonna spend the
rest of our lives together" we.

I don't know, man.
That just seems big to me.

Yeah, I know.

Can I run the siren?

Yeah, all right. Make it quick.

So you finally stood up
to your father?

Yep.

And he cut you off,
no money, no nothing?

- Pretty much.
- Jerk.

Wow, this is a big place.

Do you know where I could
find some boxes?

So, is your ex-wife like,
"all women are crazy" crazy,

or more like "that assistant
who tasered David Spade" crazy?

You've got to try and understand,

she's going through
a rough time right now,

and she's used to leaning on me,

which in her current condition
is actually causing me

more physical pain
than it is emotional.

But, still,
it sure was silly of her

to try to make me choose
between the two of you.

I guess it was a pretty
easy decision, huh?

Well, when I really had a chance
to think about it,

it turns out it was the easiest
decision I ever made.

I was always going
to wind up with you.

So the whole vulnerable
crying thing worked, huh?

I never had a chance.

You do realize I'm pregnant,
don't you?

Yeah, they're both for me.

Cheers.

You know, I keep waiting
to get sick of pudding,

but with every cup
I love it more.

Me, too.

So, you gonna marry her?

Yeah, I think so.

- I'm sorry I ripped you off.
- Ah, forget it.

You can keep the hundred bucks.

I was gonna, man.

I was gonna.

I usually don't like
thinking about the future.

Let's face it, you can't
predict what's gonna happen.

But sometimes
the thing you didn't expect

is what you really wanted
after all.

Maybe the best thing to do
is stop trying to figure out

where you're going
and enjoy where you're at.

All right, now,
who wants a refill?

- I can't afford this place.
- Elliot, I'm $1 30,000 in debt.

You're gonna be all right.

Come on, let's dance, stud.