Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 7 - My First Step - full transcript

to keep a patient
from getting hurt again.

So, Mike, before we
get you out of here,

I think it's important we go
over this one more time.

Even their own home video.

See, right about here
is where you get hurt.

See, here you're not hurt.

And then.. Oh, good God!

Hurt again.

Not hurt... hurt.

Baritone. Soprano.

Married with two kids.



- Dying old...
- Look, I get it, OK?

OK. OK, Mike.
That's all that matters.

Victor. Victoria.

I mean, the kid thinks
he's Evil Knievel.

Gosh, I'd love to attend
your safety camp this summer,

I would, but my parents are making me
go to Maine with them.

Make sure you take
a lot of pictures.

When you get back,
we can sit down

and make our "friends forever" collage.

Come on, now.
The kid's 16 years old.

He's a little busted up.
It's not a big deal.

I mean, hell,
when you were a kid,

you must have cut your hand
on your dollhouse.

Oh, please. I lived for danger.



Who's ready for some Frisbee?

Get my mom! Get my mom!

I had four different helmets.

I don't have time right
now to be the 100-watt bulb

for your annoying little moth,
so if you could fly away,

that'd be great,
just fly...

I usually don't walk away
from Dr Cox,

but today
the pharmaceutical reps show up

to peddle their new drugs,

and at Sacred Heart
that means one thing.

Julie's here.

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

- What? She's hot.
- No, that's hot.

Baby, you know
that fantasy I have

of you, me, and a player
to be named later?

Yeah, I'm fine. If it was
someone like her, I'd go for it.

You are the best thing
that has ever happened to me.

- I can't believe you said that.
- What?

It's not like he's gonna
do anything about it.

I was wondering if there was
any way that we could possibly...

- Oh, hi.
- Hey, baby.

Yeah, you can't ever
give a guy that window.

Even though she was
way out of my league,

I decided to show some guts
and lay down the smoothest rap I knew.

Hi, handsome. I'm Julie.

Were you named
after a precious jewel...ie?

You are cute.
Would you like a pen?

No. I'd love one.

Well, go ahead, take it.

Steady. Easy now.

You're almost there.

That's a bad Newbie.

My God, you'd be more subtle
if you stood naked in the hallway

eating a ten-inch kielbasa.

That hurts, Perry.

- Let's go.
- But I gotta say,

I don't mind watching
you two boys walk away.

Oh yeah! Work it.

She means our tushies.
We go back, but walk backwards.

There is no one I hate
more than that Medusa.

Even knowing she's here makes me
want to tear someone's head off.

Is this a good time?
I have a teeny-weeny question

about Mrs Kahn's
necrotizing fasciitis.

- For you, Barbie, anything.
- Super.

First, an interesting side note.

I had my physical last week,
and while my cholesterol was low,

my blood pressure
was through the roof.

Needless to say,
my physician was stumped.

But now, thank God,
you've helped to solve that riddle,

because the instant
I heard your shrill voice

whining about
a "teeny-weeny problem,"

it took every ounce
of self-restraint I had

to keep blood
from shooting out my ears.

In the time
it took you to say that,

you could have just
helped me.

Well, yes, it does, but here,
that's what makes it delicious.

What? I am not gonna say a word.

- You just did.
- Except that, and that.

And that and that and that.

It just keeps on going.

Hey, cutie. What's your name?

I'm Carla, your girlfriend,
and as much as I usually love it,

I really don't have time
to pretend we never met, OK?

Carla's a pretty name.

You know I'd play, sweetie,
but because I'm just a nurse,

I have to go get Dr Wilder's
permission to give his patient

some food even though
I know it's fine.

Speaking of things
that are perfectly fine...

That was a compliment.
Why won't any women talk to me?

You're slimy and turn everything
into a double entendre.

Not true.

Go ahead.

I'd like to double her entendre.

Please?

He's leaving.

This is officially
the greatest day ever.

Taking off?

- Yeah. If that's OK.
- That's fine.

I just wanted
to sneak out for an hour

and see my kid's fourth-grade play,
but you caught me.

- No. No catchies.
- No, I think you're right.

Before I do anything,
I'll run it by you first.

Permission to go see
my kid's attempt

to overcome
his crippling shyness

by appearing
in his class's production

- of Town without a Turkey?
- I gotta get back to work.

Back to work. Message received.

What just happened?

I can't figure out
what to do about Mrs Kahn.

I don't know if I should
send her to surgery.

Well, don't send her to surgery.

I'll tell you what you do,
you wait and see.

I know I'm right because
I'm a wait-and-see kind of guy.

You know, Elliot,
in modern medicine,

we're often faced
with tough decisions.

- You are amazing.
- Well...

"Amazing" is sort of
a strong word.

I just show up and let the Lord
work through me.

You think you're a better doctor
than me, don't you?

Well, I do have
better bedside manner.

I anticipate problems
way ahead of time.

Oh, and my hair never gets
in my face. So, yes, yes, I do.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

Every time you stare off
into space like this...

you're thinking of something
you're too afraid to say.

Please, I never do this.

Maybe she's upset
because she knows I'm right.

Oh, my God.

Dr Cox, I hate to bring it up again,
but it seems important.

Julie likes our tushies.

Newbie, any doctor with
a shred of self-respect

wouldn't give that woman
the time of day.

- Oh, Julie.
- Well, well.

If it isn't the Captain
& Tenille of the underworld.

- Hi, boys.
- Hi, Julie.

Perry, do you know the name

of the new anti-arrhythmic drug
that Julie is selling?

- That's a tough one.
- It's Plomox.

Nice work, Nancy Drew.
Now see if you can solve the one

about the missing ID badge.

Plomox is the most effective
anti-arrhythmic drug

on the market,
and it has minimal side effects,

only nausea, impotence,
and anal leakage.

I'm getting two out of three
from the conversation.

You kids can talk more
over the pharmaceutical dinner

that you're helping her
put together.

- Don't do this to me, Bob.
- Do it to him, Bob.

Perry, we're going to need
a big staff turnout,

so don't take "no"
for an answer.

- You going there, chief?
- No.

If I wanted to make
small talk over low-grade beef,

I'd have dinner at home.

I'm just increasing
your Lidocaine drip

just a little bit, OK,
Mr Brooks?

- Hey, Carla, you got a second?
- No, actually, I'm swamped.

I got a present for you.

Why would you get me a present?

Why does it need to be
a birthday or anniversary

for me to get my baby
a little something-something?

Plus you figured
you'd get yourself

a little at-work
something-something.

I'll get the door.

Wow. A bus pass.

- Help me get off my bra.
- That's not all.

You'll use that bus pass
for an all-expense paid trip

to nurse practitioners' school,

where you'll learn how to be
more than just a nurse.

- "Just a nurse?"
- Did I say "just a nurse?"

I meant a nurse.

You were complaining
about having to ask

for permission
to feed a patient.

You'll have more responsibility,
make more money,

- so I thought...
- You thought the only reason

I've done my job
for the last eight years

is because nobody came along
to hand me a brochure?

And a bus pass.

You're unbelievable.

Damn.

Dude, I am just as disappointed
as you are.

JD, even though I decided
to send Mrs Kahn to surgery,

I know you were trying
to help me in your own way.

I overreacted. That's something I'm
working on in therapy to not do as much.

I still think
you should have gone with

- my wait-and-see approach.
- You're not the boss of me!

I'm not the boss of anyone.

Permission to use the can, boss?

Enough already.
I'm not doing this.

Fine. Permission granted.

So, Mr Brooks
is doing peachy, huh?

- Peachy keen.
- Great.

A patient's improvement
is always cause for celebration

here at Sacred Heart,
and yet, for some reason,

I'm not wearing a party hat,

sitting bare-ass on
the hospital's copier machine.

You know why? It's not
because I have the name

"Johnny" tattooed on my butt.
He's an old sailor buddy

and if you went through
what we did, you'd understand.

It's because somebody went ahead

and increased Mr Brooks's
Lidocaine drip,

and by law
that could only be a doctor.

Are you a doctor,
Nurse Espinoza?

Well?

- No, sir.
- You're damn right you're not.

So how's the guest list for tonight's
steak dinner shaping up?

Well, now, I don't have
any definitive confirmations yet,

but admittedly that could be
because I haven't asked anyone.

Why does it have to be like this
every time I come here?

I mean, what is
your problem with me?

OK, well,

for starters, everyone here
knows that you sell pills,

and yet you use phrases
like "take orally"

and "increases blood flow"
way, way too much.

I mean, jeepers, Julie, you have
half the doctors on this staff

believing that if they
join Team Plomox

that they get an outside shot
of you showing them

the cotton inside your bottle.

Would you like to know
the real dirty, dirty little secret?

It's that your drug is so good
that you guys went ahead

and put about
a 600% mark-up on it.

But the only ones who get
hurt are the sick people, right?

Since your company
doesn't care about them

and you're part of the system,
that means you don't care either.

That's what's making me sick.
That's all.

Well, you can say
what you want, Perry,

but we both know
that you'd love nothing more

than to smack this fine ass.

Perry.

Harder, Perry.

Don't stop, Perry.

Oh, Perry,
that feels good.

So you promise me you're gonna
be more careful?

Dude, the only way to feel
alive is to push the limits

- once in a while, you know?
- Well, keep it real.

God. See ya, geek.

Buy a cup!

What's wrong?

Mrs Kahn died
on the operating table.

A lot of things
can take you by surprise.

Sometimes it's just realizing that
you're not as happy as you thought.

Sometimes it's a hot chick
smacking her tushie.

And sometimes it's when
you take a chance... and lose.

This just sucks, you know?

This is a crucial moment.
Pick your words carefully.

I guess I was right after all.

Stupid.

I had to talk to Elliot before the
morbidity and mortality conference,

Nothing puts you
in a worse mood

than having to explain
why your patient died.

I just need to talk to her

when there's no possible way
that she can interrupt me.

Peanut-butter cracker!
Go! Go! Go!

What I said earlier came
out completely the wrong way

and I just want you to know
that I act...

Bite me.

Oh, she's a crafty lass.

Baby, I know you had a rough day,
and I was part of it.

I thought I'd make it up to you
by taking you out to a nice dinner.

Which waitress
do you think will do me?

I'd say you got a shot
with the busboy over there.

You realize
this doesn't count, right?

Yeah, but, baby... Free steak.

You just flat out
get women, don't you?

- This is kind of romantic, right?
- Check it out.

It's a meat cookie.

Oh, God!

Hello, boys and girl.
So, how's the food?

Free.

And how are you, Dr Cox?

I'm just here to enjoy my meal,

so unless those things dispense
A1 Sauce, I'd keep moving.

That is so, so funny.
You know what else is funny?

How you claim you want
nothing to do with me,

yet every time I turn around,
there you are.

I wonder why that is?

Oh, that feels good.

Finally, we have Dr Reid's
necrotizing fasciitis case.

Deceased. Now, don't be frightened,
sweetheart. No one's on trial here.

At least not until the family
sues your little behind.

Sweetie, I'm not joking.

But should that happen,
you may rest assured

that the hospital
will stand behind you 100 per cent.

- Thank you very much, sir.
- Now, see, there I was joking.

Try to keep up.

Oh, God, this is painful.

It's like watching a shark
circle a baby harp seal.

Dr Reid faced
a very difficult decision

and she chose
an extremely risky course.

He's like a royal python
torturing a hopper mouse.

Man, I love Animal Planet.

I believe we all have a lesson
to learn from Dr Reid's case.

And here comes
the crushing blow.

I say...kudos to Dr Reid.

What-os to who?

Without surgery, her patient didn't
have a Popsicle's chance in hell.

By making the tough choice, she at least
gave Mrs Kahn an honest shot.

Now, for all of you wait-and-see
doctors out there...

...if you do not
get to the point

where you have the courage
to take risks,

you will never be a great doctor.

- Never?
- Never ever.

Turk, don't eat off my plate.

You're right, baby.
I'm sorry. That's rude.

So you're having steak
with a side of steak?

That's right, turf and turf.

You know what?
I'm on my second glass of good wine,

I'm watching my boyfriend
try to eat his body weight in meat,

and I am extremely tickled

that the only thing Dr Cox
wants isn't on the menu.

- What?
- What can I say?

I'm finally having a good time.

- That'll pass.
- I still think it's lame

that you didn't like Turk's
nurse-practitioner present.

- Dude.
- Told you.

Hey, Elliot, I'm sorry
that I was such a jerk before,

but, hey, I got mine, right?

Anyway, thanks
for being classier than I am

and not rubbing it in my face.

No problem.
Hey, you never told me that

- you're part Native American.
- What are you talking about?

Aren't you a member
of the Waitensee tribe?

Come on! I laughed so hard
when I thought of that

that I peed a little.

I changed right after.

Why wouldn't you want a better job?

Hold up. My baby's happy
with being just a nurse.

Did I say "just a nurse"?
Nobody at this table said "just."

I meant "a nurse."
Right, baby?

That's right.

Why?

Oh, just not smart.
Even for you.

Excuse me for not having
all your male ambition.

I can't believe anyone
would look down on me

because I'm good at what I do
and because I love doing it.

- I'm sick to my stomach.
- Me too, Turk. Me too.

No, baby, I'm serious.
I think I'm in trouble here.

Baby?

Permission to speak, sir?

You know what? No.
No, you may not speak.

Not now and not ever, OK?
You have overplayed your hand

and you may never
talk to me again.

Those are the rules
of the game.

Then I quit.

No, no, no quitsies. Checkmate,
gin, and Yahtzee, my friend.

You know, my son used to love
to play Yahtzee with me,

until you made me skip his play.
Now he won't eat.

We've started a new game now,
haven't we?

Yeah, it's called "You don't eat
until Timmy does."

My mechanic has that poster
in his garage.

Does he have this one?

Actually,
it's a family business.

So, here we are.

Two people,

street lamp,

full moon.

Guy pissing on the dumpster.

Oh, did I break the mood?

Fine, you want me
to drop the flirty crap?

I'm interested in you.

I think we're a lot alike,
I think we have chemistry,

and I think you're scared,
so you use what I do

as an excuse
not to give us a try.

I'm sorry. I gotta go.

You OK?

Look at that. I bounced back.

Baby, my stomach's gonna explode.

It's only heartburn,
sweetie. You'll be fine.

- How's meathead?
- I know I'm not a doctor,

but if you order a strong anti-emetic,
that'd be great.

You would ace that nurse
practitioners program.

Really? You think so?

What if the classes
are too hard?

What if the teachers are mean,
if the other kids don't like me?

- OK.
- I would ace that program.

But I barely get to see
my boyfriend as it is.

And if I went to class
five nights a week, well...

I guess I'm taking my chances
on Turk right now.

- Him?
- Somebody make it stop.

I just don't want to look back
and wonder what could have been.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

How's it going?

You have more jokes, don't you?

I jotted a couple of things down.

You see that nurse over there?
I love her.

Every night at 10.30
for the last year,

I've watched her come in here
and get a cup of coffee

and not once have I had the courage
to even ask her her name.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,
she has a snaggletooth.

The point is,
Kelso's right, you know.

It's not even
just professionally.

In my personal life,
I don't take any chances either.

I want to. I just...

I can never seem
to take that first step.

- Come here.
- What?

- Come on.
- I don't want to go anywhere.

I wanna spend time
with Snaggletooth.

I guess it all comes down
to what we're willing to risk.

For some of us,
it's our feelings.

Wanna talk?

No.

For others, it's our future.

Baby.

If I had to do it again,
I would.

- Cos I love the steak.
- I know, popi.

I know.

For me, it was taking
a risk, period.

Even if that meant starting
with my very first step.

- You're gonna love this.
- I don't wanna do it.

What's the worst
that could happen?

- We could die!
- OK, the second worse?

Can't we just go
and talk to Snaggletooth?

No. Here we go.

One, two, three!