Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 6 - My Big Brother - full transcript
JD's ne'er-do-well brother hits it off with Elliot.
- This one?
- You want a clear shower curtain?
Just nude up
in the living room and spray me down.
If you're self-conscious I can doodle in
chest hairs where you'd stand.
I have a chest hair. I named him Clancy.
- And then it happened.
- Can I help you, sir?
- Can't believe she called me sir.
- She called me mister.
- Maybe it's because you're bald.
- I'm not bald. I shave my head.
- Well, then let it grow back.
- Careful, honey.
We're practically kids.
What you doing
for Halloween tomorrow?
We used to dress up as pigs
and hit every bar in town.
You have not lived until
you've seen a drunken pig do the robot.
Not what you used to do,
what you're doing this Halloween.
- We got plans.
- Big plans.
- Watch TV and sleep.
- Yeah, pretty much.
- I may take a bath first.
- Bubbles?
Give me some.
It was sad cos I was starting to
think I'd never feel like a kid again.
Hey, little brother!
It's the headlocking Dan.
- What are you doing here?
- It's funny, Vivian.
I was about to ask you
the same question,
seeing as I paged you four minutes
and 38 seconds ago.
My big brother Dan.
He showed up unexpected.
- Four minutes and 44 seconds.
- Easy there, Chief.
Have one of those nurses pour you
a big glass of calm-down juice.
It's so interesting,
I found I couldn't sleep last night,
so to pass the time, I made a list of
things that annoy me more than you.
I came up with people
who call Wednesdays "hump day,"
and, of course,
all Sandra Bullock movies.
Now I'm thrilled to announce,
your brother tops...
Chief, does this speech have an
intermission? I got to take a whizz.
Actually, I'm not so keen on nicknames
from guys that barely know me.
Actually, why don't you tell me
what you are keen on?
- Oh, Dan, no.
- Where's the crapper?
What brings you to town?
Some guy hired me to fly here,
drive his Mercedes back.
It's an easy way
to pick up extra cash.
- Plus you get to hang out with Bambi.
- Maybe he'll let that go.
Bambi?
- It's a term only Carla uses.
- I respect that, Bambi.
Smart. You do not want to get on his
bad side and suffer the wrath of Bambi.
Why are you here?
Room 310's tests came back negative. I
thought you'd want to give him the news.
- Let me do it.
- What?
- I can be a doctor.
- I can't let you tell him.
I won't call you Bambi anymore.
It was touch and go.
You're a fighter. You pulled through.
We'll get you out of here today.
Keep an eye on those rickles.
- Rickles is my last name.
- You bet it is. Do you have kids?
- Two.
- That's what I'm saying.
Watch the little Rickles.
Children are our future.
Doctor, we need you.
Bambi, I'm busy. It's hard to find a
good male nurse these days. Am I right?
Dan wasn't just the captain of every
team. He was the mayor of high school.
The jocks dug him,
the burn-outs dug him,
- the nerds worshipped him.
- What about you?
- He mentioned nerds.
- Why hurt me?
I thought I'd be cool
in high school,
then my dad made me play the tuba
and I developed massive forearms.
Half-way through the prom, my gloves
exploded like I was the Incredible Hulk.
It's sexy to dance with a woman
who can lift her partner over her head.
It's nice when your friends and family
click. It makes you feel like...
Wait a second, is she still laughing?
Stop your laughing.
It makes you look like a whore!
Joking.
I appreciate everything
you did for my husband.
The funeral's tomorrow.
I'd love if you attended.
Unfortunately, I'm in surgery all day.
But, I'm sorry for your loss.
Dodging the funeral? Nice.
Excuse me?
Just a veteran move from
the baby-faced sophomore.
The whole "I'm sorry for your loss"
thing was a little Hallmarky,
but darn it all if you're not showing
just a ton of promise.
If I could be there, I'd be there.
Wait a second. You treated him, right?
So you should want to go too. Right?
Gandhi, for your information,
I attended that vegetable's funeral
every time I set foot in his room
over the last six weeks.
Thank God the family
moved him to surgery
where you guys were good enough to help
him kick that nasty oxygen habit he had.
That's great. Make jokes.
I wish I could be an insensitive,
cynical robodoc like you,
but unfortunately,
I don't hate the world enough.
You know what I'm saying, Chief?
Would people please
stop calling me Chief?
Hey, numbnuts.
Dan, remember when we were kids
and every Halloween you used to try
and scare the crap out of me?
I remember that.
So while I'm here
we should play some frisbee golf,
maybe give Dad a call, and make sure
I sleep with that Elliot chick.
That's a little weird for me cos...
I don't know if you know this...
but, we used to be intimate.
Intimate? What did you do? Bathe her?
Yeah, once,
but she was wearing a swimsuit.
I'll back off. It's gonna be tough.
She sounds kind of wild.
Can't teach it.
You got an opposable thumb.
You can use it. God, I hate Halloween.
Somebody needs to adjust their attitude
if they want candy.
You mean the popcorn balls
and the deformed lollipops?
Honestly, where do you get
this crap?
I made it. If you want name-brand candy,
my fist is packed with peanuts.
Of course it is.
Did Raggedy Ann scare you?
What are you, a rat?
- Don't listen to him.
- I never do.
Dr Cox, your intern asked for
a surgical consult on Mr Carney.
- Yeah.
- I suggest you do a fem-pop bypass.
Mr Carney's a frail old man
who'd probably snap in half
from a light sponge bath.
If we do surgery,
we could improve his quality of life.
The guy's 1,000. Is he gonna take
a steamer over to Europe
open a caf? and finally meet that
900-year-old girl of his dreams?
I've made my recommendation.
You stood up for what you
believe in. I respect that.
- 20 bucks says you kill him.
- You're on.
You got it, baby.
I need some sugar over here.
Can anyone tell me
the dermatologic condition
associated with Rhinophyma? Dr Murphy?
Could it be psoriasis?
And yet further proof
that the clown costume is redundant.
If any of you other would-be revellers
get the urge to dress up
on this, the mother of all non-holidays,
please consider me the razor blade
in your caramel apple.
We're professionals, damn it!
You know, it's nothing personal, son,
you just make me sick.
He called me son!
Score.
You going to lunch with your brother?
Yeah, I would've invited you,
but I made the reservation for two.
- So change it.
- I'm not gonna mess with that hostess.
- She uses sharp tones.
- Yeah, right.
Three seconds to give me the real reason
I can't come, or I'm coming.
Three, two, one.
Because I need special time
with my brother.
- Trick.
- Excuse me?
I figure you got to be wondering
am I gonna get a trick
or am I gonna get a treat?
- You'll be getting a trick.
- Whatever.
It'll be fast
and you won't even know it's me.
- You just told me it was gonna be you.
- You'll still have your doubts.
The best part is
you're gonna be nervous all day about it
cos it could happen at any time.
Like now!
That wasn't it. Fun, though.
False alarm, boys.
All right. Here we go, Mr Carney.
Dr Wen, I want you to stay focused.
I want Dr Wen to be Dr Zen, man.
Christopher, after 15 years
and over 10,000 surgeries,
I can do without the pep talk.
Message received, sir.
I believe in you.
Big deal, we're having lunch together.
It doesn't have to be awkward.
- What's my bro like in the sack?
- What?
You do not have to answer that.
If he tries hard, but there's room for
improvement, sip your drink.
- What? I was thirsty.
- Ask me if she could be better.
What? Thirsty.
I wasn't thirsty.
Stable condition.
What time is it? Time to dance.
- Pay the man.
- There you go.
Hello, Mr Jackson.
I want to introduce you
to the Washington brothers.
Y'all get nice and cosy up in my wallet.
Before you get too high
on your horse, Tonto,
I feel it's my duty to remind you
of something.
See, you just made a $20 bet on whether
a fellow human being would live or die.
Now tell me, just exactly how does
that make you feel, Mr Sensitive?
Pretty good? All the best.
Why'd you drive someone else's car
across country?
It's a great way to make 300 bucks.
What do you do that
you can take time off?
- I tend bar.
- But not just any bar. It's "the" bar.
When the college kids come home,
it's where they go.
- I go there when I'm home.
- So you live in your home town?
I take care of my mom's place
so she let's me stay with her.
Dan, you don't stay with her.
Come on, he's not like Greg Brady
in the attic with beads for a door.
He totally has his own space.
More like Kirk Cameron
in the last season of Growing Pains
when he lived above the garage
with Boner. Anyone? No.
Am I the only one? Boner?
That's when I realised that
even though I was jealous,
that's not why I was trying to keep
Elliot and Dan apart.
Dan's doing great.
The real reason was
that I was ashamed of my brother.
And I think he knew it too.
You two should probably
get back to work.
These heated seats are amazing.
They make my butt tingle.
Every time you say that,
an angel gets their wings.
It's a sweet ride, but as JD has made
clear, I could never afford this car.
Would you please just let it go?
- So I'll see you.
- Not if I see you first.
I knew my brother would
handle this like he always did
when there was an
emotional conflict between us.
- Can you work the windows from there?
- No. Why?
Oh, God...
Please tell me
that that was the horn.
- There's your heated seat, my friend.
- God, it's everywhere.
Do you have any idea
how long I've been waiting on you?
Next time, if you're not here
in 30 minutes,
I expect a free dead body
or some garlic knots.
Dr Kelso,
that's extremely insensitive.
I don't think so.
Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?
Nope, she's fine with it.
She knows a thing or two.
Except, of course,
that a yellow light means to slow down.
You're not understanding
what I'm trying to say.
- Kitty, this sucks.
- How can I make it better?
- Thank you so much for coming.
- We've been looking forward to this.
You know, ever since he... he died.
- Hey, you OK?
- Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
You and your brother.
The tension was palpable.
I wanted to say something. I was
this close to getting back in the car.
That wouldn't have been wise.
No, thank you, we're fine.
Damn you, you dirty ape!
Babe, you have got to try one of these.
They are to die for.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Go ahead. Try one.
Mother, this is Dr Turk,
the surgeon that worked so hard.
Oh, please,
it's the least I could do for...
You see,
he doesn't even remember his name.
No, no, no I remember his name.
His name was...
His name was... was...
You know, we used to call him
Old Chicken Neck.
This is the problem with doctors today.
They don't care.
No, it's just that recently
I've had a lot of patients.
So it... I've gotten...
I've been really busy.
Not too busy to come here in the middle
of the day and stuff your face for free.
- Damn you, woman.
- Ladies, please.
This is a good, caring doctor.
He did everything he could for Bob.
Right.
This is Bob. That's Bob?
Like for apples, you know, bob.
I get it. Let's see how tough
you are without your costume on.
Go ahead and knock the folders
out of my hand now.
- What costume?
- You weren't wearing a gorilla suit?
Is someone running around
in a gorilla suit? What's he look like?
- A gorilla.
- No, it's not me.
- Why knock the folders from my hand?
- Because you asked me to.
Here you go.
- I didn't ask you to do that.
- That comes free with the folder knock.
- How are you doing?
- Good, sir.
I don't have time to stand and flirt.
There have been rumblings that you let
your brother play doctor the other day.
Dr Kelso, I...
If I had one shred of evidence
that incident actually took place,
you'd be working with my nephew Francis
so fast it'd make your head spin.
- Sir, I don't follow.
- He cleans pools.
I forgot you didn't know.
I trust we will not be seeing
your brother in the hospital.
Not inside, no.
My God, I'm totally going to hell.
Turk, wait, people get thrown out
of funerals every day.
Why are you laughing?
Off the top of my head,
I'd say it's because he's suffering.
Of course, I love the poetry of
someone putting himself on a pedestal
then getting knocked back down
into this puddle of self-hatred
- with the rest of us.
- Did you do this to him?
I don't know. Does anybody ever
really do anything to anybody else?
You're gonna tell me why
you did this and it better be good.
How does "for poops and giggles"
grab you?
Isn't there something you want to talk
about? Like cars or sports or boobs.
Boobs. Remember Fred Keifer's mom?
She wore a tank top
to Fred's 13th birthday party.
She taught us how to bob for apples
and three guys passed out.
Great story. Now how about something
with more substance?
- Remember the cans on Pat Clark's mom?
- Those were awesome.
Forget it.
Elliot, come on.
What does she expect us to talk about?
Maybe that you're embarrassed by me
you make excuses to your friends
about how I live my life.
Oh, yeah.
We're working hard on a cure.
- Let's go. Field trip.
- I got things to do.
Off to another funeral? Come with me
and if you're late for the graveyard,
I'll scour the obituaries with you
this weekend and we can go nuts.
- Carla put you up to this?
- My idea.
I want to be close with you. I just
can't figure out how. Turn around.
Turn around.
You see Dr Wen in there?
He's explaining that something
went wrong and the patient died.
He's gonna tell them what happened,
say sorry, then he's going back to work.
You think anybody else in that room
is going back to work today?
That is why we distance ourselves.
That's why we make jokes.
We don't do it because it's fun.
We do it so we can get by.
And sometimes because it's fun.
But mostly it's the getting by thing.
And by the way...
Bob.
Who doesn't get that?
We're proud you became a doctor, but
just because I haven't achieved as much
- doesn't mean I don't like what I do.
- Nothing wrong with being a bartender.
- I like living with Mom.
- She makes great eggs.
All in all, I'm pretty damn happy.
I'm happy, you know.
And now for the apology.
That's a load of crap.
Look, I know you, OK?
The reason you wanted
to pretend you're a doctor
is cos you hate working in that bar
and you wanted to feel like somebody.
You're not driving that car
across the country for the $300.
You're doing it cos you like how
you feel when you drive it.
The funny thing is
you could be that guy.
But you're afraid that if you have to
try at something, you might fail,
and that's not
a chance you're willing to take.
What can I say?
It's been a real pleasure seeing you.
Right then, I knew I'd never see
my brother the same way again.
You can never let go
of the kid inside of you.
That girl in the wolf outfit
is checking you out.
I'd let her blow my house down.
You know what I'm saying?
You see, it's the kid inside of us
that keeps us from going crazy.
- You want a clear shower curtain?
Just nude up
in the living room and spray me down.
If you're self-conscious I can doodle in
chest hairs where you'd stand.
I have a chest hair. I named him Clancy.
- And then it happened.
- Can I help you, sir?
- Can't believe she called me sir.
- She called me mister.
- Maybe it's because you're bald.
- I'm not bald. I shave my head.
- Well, then let it grow back.
- Careful, honey.
We're practically kids.
What you doing
for Halloween tomorrow?
We used to dress up as pigs
and hit every bar in town.
You have not lived until
you've seen a drunken pig do the robot.
Not what you used to do,
what you're doing this Halloween.
- We got plans.
- Big plans.
- Watch TV and sleep.
- Yeah, pretty much.
- I may take a bath first.
- Bubbles?
Give me some.
It was sad cos I was starting to
think I'd never feel like a kid again.
Hey, little brother!
It's the headlocking Dan.
- What are you doing here?
- It's funny, Vivian.
I was about to ask you
the same question,
seeing as I paged you four minutes
and 38 seconds ago.
My big brother Dan.
He showed up unexpected.
- Four minutes and 44 seconds.
- Easy there, Chief.
Have one of those nurses pour you
a big glass of calm-down juice.
It's so interesting,
I found I couldn't sleep last night,
so to pass the time, I made a list of
things that annoy me more than you.
I came up with people
who call Wednesdays "hump day,"
and, of course,
all Sandra Bullock movies.
Now I'm thrilled to announce,
your brother tops...
Chief, does this speech have an
intermission? I got to take a whizz.
Actually, I'm not so keen on nicknames
from guys that barely know me.
Actually, why don't you tell me
what you are keen on?
- Oh, Dan, no.
- Where's the crapper?
What brings you to town?
Some guy hired me to fly here,
drive his Mercedes back.
It's an easy way
to pick up extra cash.
- Plus you get to hang out with Bambi.
- Maybe he'll let that go.
Bambi?
- It's a term only Carla uses.
- I respect that, Bambi.
Smart. You do not want to get on his
bad side and suffer the wrath of Bambi.
Why are you here?
Room 310's tests came back negative. I
thought you'd want to give him the news.
- Let me do it.
- What?
- I can be a doctor.
- I can't let you tell him.
I won't call you Bambi anymore.
It was touch and go.
You're a fighter. You pulled through.
We'll get you out of here today.
Keep an eye on those rickles.
- Rickles is my last name.
- You bet it is. Do you have kids?
- Two.
- That's what I'm saying.
Watch the little Rickles.
Children are our future.
Doctor, we need you.
Bambi, I'm busy. It's hard to find a
good male nurse these days. Am I right?
Dan wasn't just the captain of every
team. He was the mayor of high school.
The jocks dug him,
the burn-outs dug him,
- the nerds worshipped him.
- What about you?
- He mentioned nerds.
- Why hurt me?
I thought I'd be cool
in high school,
then my dad made me play the tuba
and I developed massive forearms.
Half-way through the prom, my gloves
exploded like I was the Incredible Hulk.
It's sexy to dance with a woman
who can lift her partner over her head.
It's nice when your friends and family
click. It makes you feel like...
Wait a second, is she still laughing?
Stop your laughing.
It makes you look like a whore!
Joking.
I appreciate everything
you did for my husband.
The funeral's tomorrow.
I'd love if you attended.
Unfortunately, I'm in surgery all day.
But, I'm sorry for your loss.
Dodging the funeral? Nice.
Excuse me?
Just a veteran move from
the baby-faced sophomore.
The whole "I'm sorry for your loss"
thing was a little Hallmarky,
but darn it all if you're not showing
just a ton of promise.
If I could be there, I'd be there.
Wait a second. You treated him, right?
So you should want to go too. Right?
Gandhi, for your information,
I attended that vegetable's funeral
every time I set foot in his room
over the last six weeks.
Thank God the family
moved him to surgery
where you guys were good enough to help
him kick that nasty oxygen habit he had.
That's great. Make jokes.
I wish I could be an insensitive,
cynical robodoc like you,
but unfortunately,
I don't hate the world enough.
You know what I'm saying, Chief?
Would people please
stop calling me Chief?
Hey, numbnuts.
Dan, remember when we were kids
and every Halloween you used to try
and scare the crap out of me?
I remember that.
So while I'm here
we should play some frisbee golf,
maybe give Dad a call, and make sure
I sleep with that Elliot chick.
That's a little weird for me cos...
I don't know if you know this...
but, we used to be intimate.
Intimate? What did you do? Bathe her?
Yeah, once,
but she was wearing a swimsuit.
I'll back off. It's gonna be tough.
She sounds kind of wild.
Can't teach it.
You got an opposable thumb.
You can use it. God, I hate Halloween.
Somebody needs to adjust their attitude
if they want candy.
You mean the popcorn balls
and the deformed lollipops?
Honestly, where do you get
this crap?
I made it. If you want name-brand candy,
my fist is packed with peanuts.
Of course it is.
Did Raggedy Ann scare you?
What are you, a rat?
- Don't listen to him.
- I never do.
Dr Cox, your intern asked for
a surgical consult on Mr Carney.
- Yeah.
- I suggest you do a fem-pop bypass.
Mr Carney's a frail old man
who'd probably snap in half
from a light sponge bath.
If we do surgery,
we could improve his quality of life.
The guy's 1,000. Is he gonna take
a steamer over to Europe
open a caf? and finally meet that
900-year-old girl of his dreams?
I've made my recommendation.
You stood up for what you
believe in. I respect that.
- 20 bucks says you kill him.
- You're on.
You got it, baby.
I need some sugar over here.
Can anyone tell me
the dermatologic condition
associated with Rhinophyma? Dr Murphy?
Could it be psoriasis?
And yet further proof
that the clown costume is redundant.
If any of you other would-be revellers
get the urge to dress up
on this, the mother of all non-holidays,
please consider me the razor blade
in your caramel apple.
We're professionals, damn it!
You know, it's nothing personal, son,
you just make me sick.
He called me son!
Score.
You going to lunch with your brother?
Yeah, I would've invited you,
but I made the reservation for two.
- So change it.
- I'm not gonna mess with that hostess.
- She uses sharp tones.
- Yeah, right.
Three seconds to give me the real reason
I can't come, or I'm coming.
Three, two, one.
Because I need special time
with my brother.
- Trick.
- Excuse me?
I figure you got to be wondering
am I gonna get a trick
or am I gonna get a treat?
- You'll be getting a trick.
- Whatever.
It'll be fast
and you won't even know it's me.
- You just told me it was gonna be you.
- You'll still have your doubts.
The best part is
you're gonna be nervous all day about it
cos it could happen at any time.
Like now!
That wasn't it. Fun, though.
False alarm, boys.
All right. Here we go, Mr Carney.
Dr Wen, I want you to stay focused.
I want Dr Wen to be Dr Zen, man.
Christopher, after 15 years
and over 10,000 surgeries,
I can do without the pep talk.
Message received, sir.
I believe in you.
Big deal, we're having lunch together.
It doesn't have to be awkward.
- What's my bro like in the sack?
- What?
You do not have to answer that.
If he tries hard, but there's room for
improvement, sip your drink.
- What? I was thirsty.
- Ask me if she could be better.
What? Thirsty.
I wasn't thirsty.
Stable condition.
What time is it? Time to dance.
- Pay the man.
- There you go.
Hello, Mr Jackson.
I want to introduce you
to the Washington brothers.
Y'all get nice and cosy up in my wallet.
Before you get too high
on your horse, Tonto,
I feel it's my duty to remind you
of something.
See, you just made a $20 bet on whether
a fellow human being would live or die.
Now tell me, just exactly how does
that make you feel, Mr Sensitive?
Pretty good? All the best.
Why'd you drive someone else's car
across country?
It's a great way to make 300 bucks.
What do you do that
you can take time off?
- I tend bar.
- But not just any bar. It's "the" bar.
When the college kids come home,
it's where they go.
- I go there when I'm home.
- So you live in your home town?
I take care of my mom's place
so she let's me stay with her.
Dan, you don't stay with her.
Come on, he's not like Greg Brady
in the attic with beads for a door.
He totally has his own space.
More like Kirk Cameron
in the last season of Growing Pains
when he lived above the garage
with Boner. Anyone? No.
Am I the only one? Boner?
That's when I realised that
even though I was jealous,
that's not why I was trying to keep
Elliot and Dan apart.
Dan's doing great.
The real reason was
that I was ashamed of my brother.
And I think he knew it too.
You two should probably
get back to work.
These heated seats are amazing.
They make my butt tingle.
Every time you say that,
an angel gets their wings.
It's a sweet ride, but as JD has made
clear, I could never afford this car.
Would you please just let it go?
- So I'll see you.
- Not if I see you first.
I knew my brother would
handle this like he always did
when there was an
emotional conflict between us.
- Can you work the windows from there?
- No. Why?
Oh, God...
Please tell me
that that was the horn.
- There's your heated seat, my friend.
- God, it's everywhere.
Do you have any idea
how long I've been waiting on you?
Next time, if you're not here
in 30 minutes,
I expect a free dead body
or some garlic knots.
Dr Kelso,
that's extremely insensitive.
I don't think so.
Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?
Nope, she's fine with it.
She knows a thing or two.
Except, of course,
that a yellow light means to slow down.
You're not understanding
what I'm trying to say.
- Kitty, this sucks.
- How can I make it better?
- Thank you so much for coming.
- We've been looking forward to this.
You know, ever since he... he died.
- Hey, you OK?
- Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
You and your brother.
The tension was palpable.
I wanted to say something. I was
this close to getting back in the car.
That wouldn't have been wise.
No, thank you, we're fine.
Damn you, you dirty ape!
Babe, you have got to try one of these.
They are to die for.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Go ahead. Try one.
Mother, this is Dr Turk,
the surgeon that worked so hard.
Oh, please,
it's the least I could do for...
You see,
he doesn't even remember his name.
No, no, no I remember his name.
His name was...
His name was... was...
You know, we used to call him
Old Chicken Neck.
This is the problem with doctors today.
They don't care.
No, it's just that recently
I've had a lot of patients.
So it... I've gotten...
I've been really busy.
Not too busy to come here in the middle
of the day and stuff your face for free.
- Damn you, woman.
- Ladies, please.
This is a good, caring doctor.
He did everything he could for Bob.
Right.
This is Bob. That's Bob?
Like for apples, you know, bob.
I get it. Let's see how tough
you are without your costume on.
Go ahead and knock the folders
out of my hand now.
- What costume?
- You weren't wearing a gorilla suit?
Is someone running around
in a gorilla suit? What's he look like?
- A gorilla.
- No, it's not me.
- Why knock the folders from my hand?
- Because you asked me to.
Here you go.
- I didn't ask you to do that.
- That comes free with the folder knock.
- How are you doing?
- Good, sir.
I don't have time to stand and flirt.
There have been rumblings that you let
your brother play doctor the other day.
Dr Kelso, I...
If I had one shred of evidence
that incident actually took place,
you'd be working with my nephew Francis
so fast it'd make your head spin.
- Sir, I don't follow.
- He cleans pools.
I forgot you didn't know.
I trust we will not be seeing
your brother in the hospital.
Not inside, no.
My God, I'm totally going to hell.
Turk, wait, people get thrown out
of funerals every day.
Why are you laughing?
Off the top of my head,
I'd say it's because he's suffering.
Of course, I love the poetry of
someone putting himself on a pedestal
then getting knocked back down
into this puddle of self-hatred
- with the rest of us.
- Did you do this to him?
I don't know. Does anybody ever
really do anything to anybody else?
You're gonna tell me why
you did this and it better be good.
How does "for poops and giggles"
grab you?
Isn't there something you want to talk
about? Like cars or sports or boobs.
Boobs. Remember Fred Keifer's mom?
She wore a tank top
to Fred's 13th birthday party.
She taught us how to bob for apples
and three guys passed out.
Great story. Now how about something
with more substance?
- Remember the cans on Pat Clark's mom?
- Those were awesome.
Forget it.
Elliot, come on.
What does she expect us to talk about?
Maybe that you're embarrassed by me
you make excuses to your friends
about how I live my life.
Oh, yeah.
We're working hard on a cure.
- Let's go. Field trip.
- I got things to do.
Off to another funeral? Come with me
and if you're late for the graveyard,
I'll scour the obituaries with you
this weekend and we can go nuts.
- Carla put you up to this?
- My idea.
I want to be close with you. I just
can't figure out how. Turn around.
Turn around.
You see Dr Wen in there?
He's explaining that something
went wrong and the patient died.
He's gonna tell them what happened,
say sorry, then he's going back to work.
You think anybody else in that room
is going back to work today?
That is why we distance ourselves.
That's why we make jokes.
We don't do it because it's fun.
We do it so we can get by.
And sometimes because it's fun.
But mostly it's the getting by thing.
And by the way...
Bob.
Who doesn't get that?
We're proud you became a doctor, but
just because I haven't achieved as much
- doesn't mean I don't like what I do.
- Nothing wrong with being a bartender.
- I like living with Mom.
- She makes great eggs.
All in all, I'm pretty damn happy.
I'm happy, you know.
And now for the apology.
That's a load of crap.
Look, I know you, OK?
The reason you wanted
to pretend you're a doctor
is cos you hate working in that bar
and you wanted to feel like somebody.
You're not driving that car
across the country for the $300.
You're doing it cos you like how
you feel when you drive it.
The funny thing is
you could be that guy.
But you're afraid that if you have to
try at something, you might fail,
and that's not
a chance you're willing to take.
What can I say?
It's been a real pleasure seeing you.
Right then, I knew I'd never see
my brother the same way again.
You can never let go
of the kid inside of you.
That girl in the wolf outfit
is checking you out.
I'd let her blow my house down.
You know what I'm saying?
You see, it's the kid inside of us
that keeps us from going crazy.