Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 10 - My Monster - full transcript

Hey, how you doing?

I know we put on
a hell of a show, but, dude,

put some shades on or somethin'.

Don't make a big deal out of this.

When was the last time
you got laid?

OK, just subtly take
the spotlight off yourself.

Once on a red-eye flight,
Turk groped a transsexual.

Baby, it was dark, and helshe
had a body that was rockin'.

Mission accomplished.

We're talking about you now, studly.

OK, so I'm in a bit of a dry spell.



I have no idea
what to do with myself.

Why not give Rowdy a bath?
He smells ripe.

Please. I'm a young, single
player with a heart of gold.

I should be able
to stir something up.

How do you get so dirty?

Rowdy.

I'm not the only one in a rut.

- My life is a mess.
- At least you're pretty.

- Pretty don't pay the rent.
- It does for my sister.

Your sister's a prostitute?

She's a model. Come on, we talked
about thinking before we speak.

I was just frazzled.

I stopped taking my dad's money,
I can't pay the bills,

I'm getting kicked out,
and thanks to this hospital,



I haven't had time
to look for a new place.

Sometimes the hospital
seems like a hungry monster

that feeds on our personal lives.

It affects all of us.

- Morning, Dr Cox.
- Denise. I know it's morning.

If it was last night I'd still
be with my pregnant ex-wife

trying to get her to calm down
because, believe it or not,

I managed to forget
to bring home the curly fries.

Do you see where I'm going here?
Yes, no, maybe so?

Talk to her.

The man's got troubles.

You're one of the cutest doctors
I've ever met.

Give me a kiss.

Well, put it in your pocket
and save it for later.

The monster kills everything
that's beautiful. Everything.

Except Lisa, the gift-shop girl.

Boys, remember now,
when we get upstairs

it's the trauma ward,
not the drama ward,

so smiles, everyone, smiles.

Whatever. Dry spell,
prepare to be moistened.

Hey, Lisa, how you doing?

JD, I can't give you free gum.

I was thinking,
you're probably one of those girls

that's so pretty that no one
has the courage to ask you out.

No, I get asked out
all the time.

OK, momentary setback.
Regroup. Regroup!

Hey, go out with me.

It's the right thing to do.

Sure. Why not?

Very funny,
you dumb choir punks.

Santa's a drunk.

Where were we?

So what did you have in mind?

I could think
of a couple of things.

- How does he get so dirty?
- Who the hell cares?

- I'll see you tonight.
- OK. Bye.

- Nice to meet you, Turk.
- A pleasure meeting you, Lisa.

Yeah, Gift-Shop Girl.

- Player
- Hold me down

- Know what I'm saying?
- Hey, look at me.

Turn Gift-Shop Girl
into Gift-Shop Woman.

I swear on all the gifts in her shop,
I will make you proud.

That's my dog. That's my dog!

Come to Papa.

The coil didn't complete
its revolution.

My candy's just hanging there
instead of dropping.

OK, whatever.
Look, if you're hungry, man,

- I can loan you a buck.
- A buck?

What a kind offer
from the charitable Dr Money Bags.

You can either be a jerk as usual,

or you can accept
this gracious offer

and get some caramel
draped in nougat.

Your choice, jumpsuit.

Jordan, I have to tell you,
despite how crazy hormonal you are,

there is something about a pregnant
woman that's almost spiritual.

- Really?
- Honestly, you...

You have never looked
so beautiful.

- It's the giant boobs.
- Have you seen them lately?

Yes. Relax.

I've seen bigger.

No, not you. Although, kudos.

Mm-hmm.

- You know what I hate?
- So many things.

That's true. I stay at your house
every night and then in the morning

I've gotta drive back
to my apartment to get ready

and then back here
to go to board meetings.

Then just leave your boobs
and some other stuff at my place.

- Really?
- Yeah, if it saves you the hassle.

- Bring it on.
- Well, great. See you tonight.

It appears
Mrs Watson has developed

a post-op infection
at her thyroidectomy site.

Newbie, when a patient
has an infection,

I make it a general policy
not to actually push on it.

Start Ancef,
one gram Q eight hours and...

Oh, my God, did I just ask
my ex-wife to move in with me?

What? You don't own that.

Turk, come help me wrap presents.

Baby, do you realize
how long it's been

since we've had an afternoon off,
just the two of us?

Yeah.

I should give you
a sensual massage,

rub your feet a little,
and maybe, if you're interested,

sex you up and whatnot.

- Come here.
- I'll get the TV.

No, you know what? Leave it on.

I know how much you like
The Jeffersons.

Baby, you're a gift from God.

Here come Daddy!

I'm gonna rock your world!

Turk, the show's starting.

Ha! I put those flyers up
and nobody wants me to live with them.

Come on, I'm sure
you'll find a roommate

who's a "clean,
non-smoking vegetarian

that rinses the shower
thoroughly after each usage."

If you don't, it gets mildewy.

You should move in
with my friend, Anal McLooney.

I had to move out
of my apartment this morning.

My stuff is outside in a truck.

Why not crash with us
until you find a place?

I'm so tired of everyone always
thinking I need to be rescued.

- OK, JD?
- Fine.

Can anyone tell me
the bacterial aetiology

of toxic shock syndrome?

I beg your pardon.

So many doctors standing around,
I assumed it was rounds.

You were looking at the wall,
so that means it's an art exhibit.

When does the gay gentleman come round
with the tray of champagne?

Sir, my father cut me off...

Dr Reid, this is not
bring-your-problems-to-work day.

This is just work day.

But, sir, only one person
took a phone number so far.

Someone's getting a late-night,
drunk call from the Todd.

- Lucky girl.
- Yeah.

All right, Mrs Carlson,
the surgeon

that's coming to do
your lymph node dissection

is a handsome young man,
so don't forget about me.

- I'm serious, you naughty girl.
- Sure, Jordan.

You could take over
the master bathroom.

But do me a favour
and leave my sleeping pills out

in case when I get home
I wanna take 300 of 'em? OK, bye.

I can't stop obsessing about this date.
What do you think I should do?

You should go ahead
and thank your lucky stars

you finally found a gal
who's into same-sex relationships.

- You know, Perry...
- Perry?

I'm trying it out.
I find with the ladies,

if you're clear with your
intentions right off the bat,

they just fall into place.

- AQ?
- What?

It's a new expression.
It means "any questions?"

Don't think I'm impressed
because you managed to score

a sympathy date with whatever
homely looking chick

is managing
the gift shop nowadays.

JD, you ready to go?

Oh, yeah, the word
you're looking for is "wow,"

and the words I'm looking for
are "in your face."

Yeah, I'm ready. Let's get going.

PO. Peace out.

Jordan, if you're feeling like crap,

then I'll come straight home...
Of course, with the food.

No, I don't necessarily know
if there is anything bigger

than a Super Size,
but I'll ask the guy...

- Get two Super Sizes.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, hell, yeah.

- Did I fall asleep?
- Yes.

Was that before or after
I rocked your world?

He's a good man. He's a good man.
He's a good man.

You know I get nervous
when you start chanting.

Turk, what happened
to all my stuff?

The massage, the bath, the feet?
I let you watch The Jeffersons.

Baby, I was just
exhausted from work.

When you were an intern,
you were exhausted from work,

but you always made
time for romance.

That's cos I was still trying
to get into your delicates.

Oh, my God.

Dr Reid?
What are you doing in here?

Hi, Dr Kelso. I was just...
I was on call.

Well, I have
the call sheet right here

and your name
doesn't seem to be on it.

But what do I know?

I'm just a kindly old man
who doesn't know the difference

between a doctor on call

and one who maybe
just needs a warm bed for the night.

I've just been
so swamped with work

I couldn't even make time
to find a new place.

I understand.
Life is hard and all that.

But if you want
a bed in my hospital,

you better have a damn rent check
or a massive coronary

in the next five seconds.

And believe me, missy,
either one's fine with me.

- Thank you, sir.
- No problem.

I had a really
good time tonight.

I was nervous when you spent
five minutes talking through a napkin.

That wasn't me. That was Nappy,
the ice-breaking puppet.

That little guy earned
his money tonight.

- So you think you're in, huh?
- Come on, I am so in.

- You can't be sure.
- I feel pretty good about it.

- You want me.
- I don't.

Yeah, I'm a doctor.
All the symptoms are there.

You do.

Just kiss me.

Whoa. You know,
I thought I had to sneeze,

but it was a false alarm.

- Let's do this.
- OK.

You know what it is?
It's like a tickling.

I got this, like, weird...
It's a flutter.

Nappy? Stop fooling around and...

Give me a kiss.

I guess you never know
how the monster's gonna attack.

Sometimes it makes you so tired
of taking care of people at work,

you can't bear the thought
of taking care of someone at home.

All right, we need to talk about this.

Sometimes it pulls you away
at the absolute worst time.

Babe, I'm sorry.

Sometimes it even takes
the roof over your head.

And sometimes
the monster takes something

you never thought
you could lose.

Like your mojo.

Is that a roll of quarters
or are you just having a good time?

Actually, it's a roll of quarters.
It's laundry day.

See ya.

So, Little JD
isn't rising to the occasion.

It's not a big deal.
Nobody knows about this but me.

- Newbie, what's up?
- Everything's up.

Rise and shine, sport.

What, did someone
send out a flyer?

Hey, JD. How's your penis?

Calm down.
He says that to everyone.

Hey, Goldman. How's your penis?

You're freaking out.
Just keep your head down and move.

I get it.
I haven't paid you back,

- so you won't even look at me.
- No.

It's been one day,
you greedy little bastard.

See what you did?

Dr Reid,
your truck is double-parked.

Luckily, I had a friend
I could talk to about anything.

Turk, do you ever have any trouble
getting your manhood going?

- Hells, no.
- Yeah! Me, neither, dog.

Apparently I'm the only one
here with women problems.

Listen, Perry, shockingly, I'm not
looking to make the permanent move

to your bachelor cave
over at Swingers Towers.

You made a kind gesture
and I made the mistake

of thinking you could follow
through with it. Do you get it?

You don't get it, do you?

We've been together
for a year and a half.

The romance can't be gone yet.
Does this make any sense to you?

Cos it doesn't to me.
One minute we're clicking,

and the next you're running
for your life. What's going on?

I know we seem insensitive,
but in the crunch,

most guys are smart enough
to say the right thing.

Baby, you have got to chill.

I'm sorry.
Crazy person says what?

- What?
- Thatta girl.

Sometimes the worst thing
a guy can say is nothing at all.

You know what? Forget it.

Dr Reid.

I have no reading material
for my daily, post-lunch...

well, let's just call it
"reading session."

I need your research proposal

or a Vanity Fair,
if you have one.

If I could just get
a little more time on that...

I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm fresh
out of special treatment today.

I used it all trying not to stare
at that albino doctor down in radiology.

Don't let him get to you. Just keep
saying positive things to yourself.

It's too much.
I'm just one person.

Thatta girl.

Sometimes I get
so jealous of Turk.

We're residents now
and we're so swamped,

and he just
never seems to show it.

I guess you pick up the slack
when he doesn't have the energy.

Yeah, you would think so.

- Aren't you gonna get that?
- Nah, it's just Todd.

He's called four times to ask
if I want to move into his pants.

You never expect a clich?
to be an actual conversation starter.

- Women, huh?
- Tell me about it.

It's like they're from another planet.

OK, I'm going to engage
you two in a conversation.

You will speak of it to no one.

- Agreed?
- OK.

It has gotten to the point
where I'm going back in my head

over all my old relationships.

I'm not going to sit here

and count up all the women
I've ever slept with.

- Twelve.
- Nine.

Eighteen. But none of them
really understood me.

I consider myself a romantic guy
who's stressed out.

I thought the person
who'd understand would be Carla.

The weird thing
is that I'm trying this time.

I just wonder
if I'm what she really wants.

I wonder if I'll ever be able
to make it work out with anyone.

My peep's on the fritz.

Dude!

- Poor Newbie.
- No.

I'm talking about you guys.
You guys are like my peeps,

you're my dogs,
and you're on the fritz,

so that's where I get "peeps",
"fritz" came from.

God love you, Newbie.

Thank you for giving me
some perspective.

There's your stupid dollar.

And by the way, your new nickname
is Pee Pee La Fritz.

Enjoy.

- Hey.
- Is this where you're sleeping tonight?

Yeah. So? It's cosy.
Hospital adjacent.

Elliot, come on, this is crazy.

You're living out of a van,
like a hobo or...

- Jewel.
- Her poetry changed my life.

I know you wanna show you can
stand on your own two feet,

but you don't have
to prove anything to me.

Come on, come stay
with me and Turk.

What'd you page me
to the roof for?

Well, I was thinking
that you work so hard,

and that if I want
surprise and romance

that maybe it's my turn
to be the one who brings it.

So I brought us
a couple of salads.

- That's great.
- A box of 36 hot wings.

Now, that's what I'm talking 'bout.

And some blue-cheese dressing.

I love this woman!

I guess, in the end,

the monster's always
gonna be there.

The trick is to not let it beat you.

Curly fries?

And sometimes that means
letting a friend help you out.

- Thanks again, JD.
- Don't sweat it.

- Well, have a good night.
- You too.

As for me, I just have
to hope that my problem

will eventually work itself out.

Merry Christmas.

This is exactly what I wanted.