Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 11 - My Sex Buddy - full transcript

Since she lost her apartment,
I let Elliot crash on my floor.

How did this happen?

JD, I'm homeless. I have no money and
everything I own is outside in a truck.

My life's a mess. Plus, you were
going through a lot, too.

My peep was on the fritz.
Much better now, thank you for asking.

We were vulnerable
and we made a mistake.

Four times. And a half,
if you count that last thing.

By the way, that third time, wow!
Where did you learn that?

- What are you watching, buddy?
- Animal Planet.

Why does that monkey keep
biting the other one on the ass?

I don't know,
but she seems to love it.



The Congo. But, look, Elliot,
I think... I think you're right.

Last night was great,
but we can't keep doing this.

- Dr Reid.
- Dr Dorian.

Mistake or not, one cool thing about sex
is it always puts you in a good mood.

Hell, I think it even cheers up
the people around you.

Oh, joy. I get to work on Mrs Creeden
with the Wonder Twins.

Dear Lord, what in Thy most holy name
have I done to offend Thee so?

My brother and I would pretend
we were the Wonder Twins.

He would become "form of a dragon"
and I had to be something made of water,

so I'd say "shape of an ice dragon."

He would say I was copying him and
he'd breathe on me and I'd have to melt,

but it was still so awesome.

That's funny, I don't recall asking for
a really, really, really, really,

really boring story.



My God, Barbie,
don't you understand no one cares?

- I care.
- Correction. No one important cares.

Mrs Creeden is in post-op, so let's
start by CAT-scanning her abdomen.

And gosh, all kidding aside, I'd like to
see us work together on this one.

Come on, now.

Hands in.

Please.

Congratulations again.
He is beautiful.

I was wondering about circumcision.

You're a little old, but my roommate
is a surgeon, he owes me a favour...

Talking about their son, Bambi.

Well, now, see,
that we're set up for.

We wanted to know
how you felt about it, Carla.

Me?

Carla loves her patients. But she also
loves how much they love her.

To be honest, I'm not a big fan.

I've always wonder what the kid
would say if it were up to him.

You want to do what, now?
I just got this thing.

There are no medical advantages
to circumcision.

- I told you.
- Not medical, personal.

That's just great.

What a day.

I am as stressed out
and vulnerable as I was last night.

- Me too.
- What to do?

- What to do? What to do?
- I don't feel like doing anything.

Come on, we could rent a movie.
Got a fresh pack of Uno cards.

You know what we could do?

We could have sex again.
I'm throwing it out there.

- Bite me.
- Oh, come on, I'm sorry.

I was kidding. It's a joke.

No, I mean it. Like you did last night.
Come bite me.

Stay calm.

I'm so relaxed.
I totally forgot about being a doctor.

You're a doctor?

The problem is we know
that we don't work as a couple.

- We're a train wreck.
- So we can't keep doing this.

- Hello and whoa.
- JD, it's just sex.

We're adults. I don't think we have to
apologise for enjoying what we're doing.

That's when she said the words
every man is dying to hear.

We could just be sex buddies.

If you want.

My wife won't listen to reason.

Mr Marrick, even if your son isn't
circumcised, he'll still look like you.

Of course, he'll have to put on
a couple of hundred pounds.

I kid. You're a dashing man.
Have you modelled?

- What's all that about?
- I can't tell you.

It's, you know,
doctor-patient confidentiality.

Oh, right. Tell me.

No, no, I'm not kidding. I can't.

Can't. Or won't.

- Can't.
- Won't!

- Are they still going at it?
- No, Kelso calmed them down.

- I think we're OK.
- We're not OK.

What're you talking about?

You were gonna get that CAT scan
on Mrs Creeden's abdomen.

I have been crazy busy
on the phone with bill collectors,

who, by the way,
are obsessed with money.

I spent an hour in my truck
looking for clean bras.

All I've got
is this date-night push-up one.

I don't like working with these
under my chin all day.

I am walking
someplace right now,

and for the life of me
I can't remember where.

- Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
- Thanks. Bathroom!

Does this name-tag say
"Chief of Medicine"?

- Yes, sir.
- Funny.

That couple thought it said "I'm Bob.
Ask me about your baby's Johnson."

Dammit, In my hospital we do not
go out on a limb with our opinions.

So if a patient has questions
in your hospital, you just ignore them?

Look, stay away from definite answers.
Leave yourself some wiggle room.

Say things like "We'll do what we can"
or "We'll get back to you on that"

- Or "Hell, I don't know."
- Couldn't think of a third one?

That was the third one.

Assface.

Hey, chum. What do you say?

I wanted to tell you not to worry about
getting that CAT scan on Mrs Creeden.

I'll just rip her stitches open, jam
my head in and have a look for myself.

When I tell you to do something,
you better get it done!

It sucks being yelled at, especially
when it's someone else's fault.

That was big of you to cover for Elliot.

I had a good mind
to spank her yesterday.

She screw up
with your patients, too?

- No.
- Elliot seems so frazzled.

She keeps making
one mistake after another.

I mean, I wish I could help her out.

I have no idea how that woman
handles the stress.

I feel so much better.

- See ya, bud.
- Later, dude.

Mr Woodbury's son is getting married.
He's asking if he's gonna be able to go.

He's got a nasty case of pneumonia.
Let's see.

His leukocytosis has resolved.
His blood cultures are negative.

Tell him we'll do the best we can.

Can't we just tell him
that he can go?

Where's the wiggle room in that?
There's no wiggle.

Fine, let me just tell him with you
so I can enjoy it too.

- Thank so you much.
- Oh, you're so very welcome.

- It's my pleasure.
- This is great.

OK, just give her a casual nod.

You don't want Turk
to know what's going on.

- You're hitting that.
- How do you do that?

It's a gift. Remember last time
you two got together?

Relax. We're just having fun.

What, are you guys just sex buddies?

Fa-shizzle.

I don't wanna
get Dr Phil on you,

but women have a hard time
separating sex from emotions.

You may think you're
tapping that right now,

but pretty soon she's gonna be
like, "JD, I need you."

If it got that emotional,
I'd break it off.

OK. Oh, by the way,
dude right there

is totally hitting that dude,
he's totally hitting him.

- You are good.
- I know.

I'm so glad
Esteban found someone.

What's up, Laverne?

This Friday my church group's doing
a production of Rent if you wanna go.

"What's up" that doesn't
make me want to shoot myself?

How's Mr Lawrence doing?

That's no longer any of your business.

He's not your patient
as of two o'clock this afternoon.

He asked for a new doctor.

The second to switch off of
my service today. Why?

They were so overwhelmed
by the high quality of your care

they couldn't stand it another second?

I won't let you
make me feel like crap today.

Every doctor has had patients switch off
of them for no reason at all,

and it is just some
dumb coinkydink

it happened to me
twice on the same day.

If you will excuse me, I have to
check on Mrs Finnegan's chest X-rays.

No, you don't.
She switched off too.

Around here things
can turn bad in a heartbeat.

Mr Woodbury
is still requiring a lot of O2.

We have to keep him here over the
weekend. Give him the skinny, will you?

I guess when you work
in a world of uncertainty,

it's great to have something
at home you can count on.

Elliot, what are you doing?

Just sitting in the dark, crying,
so, you know, the usual.

JD, I had such a crappy day. I really
need you right now. Come here.

She "needs"you?
Oh, my God, Turk was right.

Stop kissing her and put an end to this
before she gets hurt.

Is there something wrong?

Ah, she's a tough kid.
You can tell her later.

Nope.

What did you do?
All right, don't panic.

Maybe she didn't enjoy it.
Oh, come on, who're you kidding?

I don't get it. Why are so many
patients switching off on me?

Are my hands that cold?

- You didn't tell anyone I'm Republican?
- No.

This can't be happening.
I'm a doctor.

What use is being a doctor
if nobody lets you treat them?

What is going on with my life?

This is not the time to talk it out.

Get out of the situation
without making her suspicious.

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

Yeah, I miss you too.
I haven't spoken to you in so long.

Hi, Mr Turk.
No, Chris isn't here.

No, no, sir. I didn't say "Mom."

I said, "mon" like,
"Hey, mon, we be jamming."

No, sir, I don't think
all black people are Jamaican.

I love you too, Mommy.

Sir, could you call back later?
Chris will be home.

There's been some break-ins. I had to
change the locks on these lockers.

You should've gotten
your new combination.

Well, I didn't.
Do you know what it is?

- Yeah.
- But you're not gonna tell me.

Can't. Janitor-locker confidentiality.

He made that up.

Are you watching Sesame Street?

When I was a kid, I had
my first sex dream about Mr Hooper.

At least, I think it was a sex dream.

- He was trying to choke me.
- Yeah, that's sweet.

- Are you on a break?
- I have nothing else to do.

None of my patients wanna see me.

That's a good thing. Now you have time
to take care of your life.

Why are you being so weird?

Well, of course, that could be because
he's shaving his dome so much lately

that the hair's starting to grow inward.
It's an affliction known as the "infro."

But if I were to guess
just exactly why

he's been acting weird lately,
I would say it's because...

he's the one who's been steering
your patients away from you.

Discuss.

Carla has to give
Mr Woodbury the bad news.

- How bad could it be?
- Here she is.

I wonder how he'll take it.

Take her! Out the window!
Throw her out the window!

Here goes.

Mr Woodbury's doing
well enough to be discharged.

I don't mind standing up
to Kelso on this one.

Time to take the "GR" off my "gratitude"
and give him some attitude, JD style.

- His office is that way.
- I have to throw up first.

- What the hell, Turk?
- Good, Barbie.

- Now really access the anger.
- How could you do that to me?

Yeah, honestly, how could you?

I wanted to protect you,
give you a break.

The old "I'm trying to help you" gambit.
Barbie, see through that.

Yo kick him right now.

Elliot, I am sorry!

Now's your chance. You're at work.
She won't get emotional.

Walk in and tell her things are getting
too serious. Just butter her up first.

Look at you, Miss "No one wants me
to be their doctor again."

I don't see
Mr Ellis here complaining.

- He's in a coma.
- Elliot, we should talk.

Turk was telling my patients
to switch off of my service.

What?

Yeah, he said
he was trying to protect me.

I'll go talk to him.

That IV looks like it's infiltrating.
The nurse must have screwed up.

I did that.

What's with the mouthful of Chicklets,
sweetheart?

- No special reason.
- Really?

I thought it might be because
Dr Dorian came to see me

with his feathers all up,
and his voice a-crackin',

and told me he was letting
Mr Woodbury go.

- Oh, did he?
- Yup.

His knees were knocking
so loud I almost didn't see you

above him pulling the strings.

- Look, Dr Kelso...
- Maybe Mr Woodbury will be fine.

Maybe he'll be back
in a few days even worse for wear

because you rushed him out.
Who knows?

But darn it all if what I don't
think is the bigger question

is why you even give a hoot.

Well, actually, sir, I have this little
problem with caring for my patients.

Still, if you decide later
that what you really care about

is how much your patients like you,

you can change your mind
about letting Mr Woodbury leave.

Hell, I'll even back you up.

- Apologise.
- Apologise to you?

To Richard.
That was his basketball.

Hello, Richard. Tomorrow at lunch
I'll bring you a new basketball.

And a hoagie.

This is about Elliot?

Don't you wanna hear my side
of the story with your sex buddy?

- No.
- Come on, where's the love?

Where's the loyalty?
Where's the automatically

siding with the person
you care about the most?

Oh, my God. That's what
you're doing, isn't it? Isn't it?

Some realisations
stop you in your tracks.

Others can lead you
in new directions.

Dr Cox. I just wanted
to let you know that Turk

did the right thing by taking
my patients off of my service.

No. What that yellow-bellied
scalpel jock should have done

was go to surgery and schedule himself
for an early-morning add-a-pair-domy.

That way, if it took,
he'd have the stones

to come and talk to you
next time he had a problem.

I can't seem to stop letting my
life out there affect my life in here.

Well, hell, Barbie, look at me.
It's not like I've always been

the well-adjusted Guy Smiley you see
walking down the halls of this dump.

Stuff like that takes time,
but eventually you learn

to keep your personal problems
separate from this place.

- So, what do I do until then?
- Get your damn life in order.

And, Barbie, let's say word got out that
Uncle Cox was doling out the feel-goods,

I'll make you pay.
You have no idea.

Huge.

It's a funny thing when we're
forced to see ourselves in a new light.

Mr Woodbury! Hold on a sec.

Hopefully, you see yourself
in time to make a change.

We're not comfortable discharging you
just yet. I'm really, really sorry.

Hopefully
you'll be respected for it.

You evil little witch.

Let me see that chart, Nurse.

Well, I see no reason we should
keep Mr Woodbury any longer.

Enjoy your son's wedding.
Cherish the moments.

Thank you so much, Dr...?

Kelso. Bob Kelso.

- Bye, Bob!
- Glad I could help.

Sometimes
the new light opens your eyes

to something you've known
in your heart all along.

It just feels like every day
keeps getting worse.

- What's all this?
- I just felt like taking care of you.

This is so nice.

It's nice because
it's the beginning of something.

- I can't do this.
- OK, less tongue.

No, this.
You know, sex buddies.

Dr Cox and I were talking and my life is
just so scattered right now. I just...

I just can't seem to grab
a toehold, you know?

And I know myself,
and if we keep doing this,

I'm won't be able to separate
the sex from my feelings,

and we'll end up
being a couple again.

And neither one of us
wants that, right?

I mean, I know I don't.

Me neither.

So, what do we do?

It's no big deal. You get your stuff out
of my room and you crash on the couch.

Thanks.