Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 12 - My New Old Friend - full transcript

Where the hell is Carla?
We're gonna miss the previews.

- Hey, you're black, right?
- Here we go.

I hate that stereotype that
black people yell at movie screens.

Like you see some horror flick
and you'd be yelling,

"Don't go in there, girl!
He behind the door!" You know?

It's like... It's offensive.

You wish you were allowed
to yell at the screen, don't ya?

Why does she go in there?
I mean, he's behind the door!

It's weird to run into
someone from the hospital

out in the real world.

- Hey, Dr Kelso.
- How ya doing, sir?



I'm just Jim Dandy.

Now, unless your pants
are made out of Turtle Wax,

I suggest you boys
get your asses off of Bessie.

Oh, so you named your car, huh?

Ultimately,
life is a lot simpler at home.

Unless you live with
a co-worker you like

who decided she can't handle
sleeping with you

and she just
wants to be friends.

Oh, right.

- Morning, buddy.
- Morning, pal.

I'll just go get dressed
and then we can go to work.

All right, just relax.
You can totally handle this.

Chop-chop, buddy.

Told you
I could fit in this spot.



You were right. I'll just put this guy's
side-view mirror on his roof.

Hey, JD.

Yes?

I wanted to say something
before we go back in here.

- Go ahead.
- I understand it's harder

for you to transition
into being just friends again.

Why?

Because you're a guy.

What does that
have to do with anything?

You're right.
Know what we should do?

Everything I own
is in this truck, including my bed.

We should just get in there,
get naked,

and have sex one last time,
just get it out of our system.

JD, I was kidding
to prove a point.

I know.

Oh, yeah.
This is how you like it.

See? This is good.
I don't feel weird.

- I don't feel weird.
- I feel weird.

OK, just tell her the truth.
You're crazy about her.

- Look, Elliot, I...
- Oh, damn.

I missed the annual sleepover,
didn't I?

That wonderful time of year

when you two crazy kids
throw caution to the wind

and make sweet,
elbowy love to each other.

Don't you be shy. You can tell
Uncle Coxy about the naught-ay.

Dr Cox, I lost my apartment and
so I was just needing a place to stay.

So you went over
to your friend's house

and cried on his shoulder,
boo-hoo.

You comforted her because
she was weak and vulnerable

and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex.

The end. Dear Lord,
Laverne, how in God's name

do you listen
to this crap all day long?

Are you kidding? If he turns out
to be her brother,

this is better than my stories.

Oh, you are so right.

Dude, what were her boobs like?

Todd, I'm standing right here.

I'm sorry.
What are your boobs like?

Oh, joy of joys, Mr Corman,
you've joined us yet again.

What imaginary disease is ailing
you this time, my good man?

He thinks he has the Yaba virus.

Your hair got longer.
And I don't appreciate your tone.

Last month you thought you had
Familial Mediterranean Fever.

I was at my friend Kelly
Papadopolous' wedding.

I share a glass of ouzo
with this guy named Yanos.

20 minutes later I'm in a cab,

I ask the guy to pull over
because I'm gonna explode

in some guy's rose garden.
Now what would you think?

Same thing I think right now.

You got yourself a bad case
of the "Wish you were sicks."

Well, I read the symptoms
on the Internet, OK? I have Yaba.

Have you been in contact
with many exotic primates this year?

I have been to the zoo, yes.

And while you were there,
did you jump into the cage

and play "toss the poop"
with the other monkeys?

Because if you did,
then you just might have Yaba.

But if that's the case,
it would be way, way down

on the list of your problems.

- Give him a full work-up.
- OK, you know the drill.

Here are my vitals.
Here is the Mountain Dew.

Just kidding.
That's my urine sample.

And you can start timing... now.

So, how you been doing?
Still seeing that surgeon?

No talking.

OK, vision perfect.

Hey, are you trying to make time
with my best girl, sport?

Now, how do you feel
after surgery on your...?

- Brain.
- Brain. Mrs Kaye is doing great,

but after this type of procedure
most people experience

- a diminished reaction time.
- Christopher, come here.

Maybe you should worry
about your own reaction time.

Now, do you have
a ride home today, dear?

- I drove myself.
- Well,

it always warmed my heart
to see your face.

I don't care what the old bat says,

I doubt she can back
out of her own driveway.

Tell her you're calling the DMV
and having her license revoked.

Why don't you
tell her yourself, sir?

Cos she's my friend.

Don't be insensitive, son.
It's ugly on you.

I can't take the sweet
old lady's driver's license.

She reminds me of my gram-gram.

- Get someone else to do it.
- Like who?

Give me it!

You want this?
You want this? Psych!

- Never mind.
- Hi, JD.

- Hey, Lisa.
- Dude.

This gift-shop chick, did you ever...?

Turk! Elliot's right here.

- Why would I care?
- I'm sorry.

I guess when I was passing by
JD's room the other night,

he was telling a different
Dr Reid not to stop.

- "Dr Reid"? Sweet.
- You guys, this conversation

is starting to make me feel
a little uncomfortable.

And I'm sure Dr Reid
feels the same way.

No, I don't. You can...
with anyone that you want.

So she wants to play chicken, huh?
Well, buckle up, missy.

- Maybe I'll ask Lisa out again.
- You should.

- Maybe I will.
- Cool.

- Good. That's what I'll do.
- Let me know how it goes.

I'm taking my own car in case
you turn into a freak again.

It's a date!

The guy is here like a thousand
times a year taking up a bed,

and every second with him
is time away

from somebody I could help.

What do you want me
to do about it?

Follow my lead.

Alas, Mr Corman, shockingly,
all your labs have come back

and they're negative
for everything.

- Oh, come on.
- OK, I'll tell you what.

You have suggested that
you're feeling rather tired lately,

- haven't you?
- I'm listening.

- And that you bruise easily.
- Like an old banana.

I think you're fine,
but if you'd like,

we can go ahead and check out
your bone marrow.

That would mean
sticking an enormous needle

all the way through your hip,

and it's very, very, very
excruciatingly painful.

- Right, Carla?
- Yes.

Thank you, Carla.
So what's it gonna be there?

Head home and get some rest,
or an afternoon of senseless,

mind-numbing...agony?

Ah, what the hell,
I'll take the giant hip needle.

There's no one around.
Time to tell her how you really feel.

- You know, Elliot...
- What's up, medical dogs?

You're smarter than him.

Think of something clever
to get him outta here.

Hey, Todd.

What the hell? Did you just
throw something out into the hall?

- So, anyway, Elliot...
- Hey, I found an apartment.

Great! You know,
but there's no rush for you to move out.

Are we gonna just live
with each other forever

and anytime we feel lonely
or vulnerable, we have hot sex?

- That would be stupid.
- We're both human,

so staying in that situation
would be a big mistake.

I know.

Sometimes when you're down, you end
up taking it out on the wrong person.

- Going on vacation?
- Cos I'm a janitor,

so when I pack for vacation
I just pack cleaning supplies.

- That's funny.
- I thought so.

Actually, I'm going to speak
at my son's career day.

About being a janitor?

You think there
aren't kids out there

that wanna grow up
to make the world sparkle?

- I didn't mean it that way.
- How did you mean it?

Look.

What the hell are you doing?

Dr Kelso,
will you just hear me out?

All I'm saying is that Miss Kaye
looks like she's in great shape.

Son, the woman is recovering
from major surgery on her...

- Brain.
- Dammit.

Why do I keep blanking on that?

Now, son,
give me the real skinny.

Did you pull her license or not?

Yes, sir, I did.

OK, I didn't tell her yet,
sir, but I swear I was gonna.

Well, Mr Corman,
how'd that go for you?

Horrible pain. I made sounds
like a dolphin giving birth.

Dr Cox, I think you should take
a look at Mr Corman's chart.

What's he got, scurvy?
There's no chance you were on a ship

- in the 1700s, is there?
- Just look at the damn chart.

What is it?

You're sick.

- Really?
- Really.

If I could get out of this place
and get away from Elliot

for a while,
I could regroup, you know?

But sometimes that's not so easy.

- My truck was right there.
- Where is it now?

You'd have to ask
the guys who stole it.

Everything I owned
was in that truck.

JD, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

Gotta go. Good luck.

Tallyho!

She was going,
like, 35 miles an hour.

All you saw was, like,
knuckles and a bun. Poor Bessie.

What kind of grown man
still names his car?

- You do.
- I've had Malik since I was 17.

That's totally different.
Don't worry about Kelso.

- His wife can drive him.
- His wife hates him.

Morning, skipper.

I'm so dead.

Mr Corman,

I'm afraid you have
Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia.

It is a very rare form of... cancer.

Yeah... I think I had that
in college once.

This is Dr Zeltzer.

He is the finest oncologist
we have on staff.

Really? You think so?

- Yeah, I do.
- Thank you.

- So, where do we start?
- Well, first off, we need to...

Better than Leventhal?

Leventhal's a quack.
You're the guy. You're the man.

- You can do it.
- Bless you.

That was some catch. The patient
shows almost no symptoms.

You called for
a bone marrow biopsy?

What made you
even think to do that?

How about he was
unbelievably annoying,

and I wanted to scare him so bad

that he'd never come back
in my hospital again?

Don't worry, Dr Zeltzer.
He's only kidding.

Stupid. See, that's where
Leventhal has the edge.

He would've got that.
The man's hilarious.

Of course, he wouldn't
be laughing so hard

if he knew
I was sleeping with his wife.

I don't know. I didn't know
it was just your patient.

- What?
- Nothing.

- Then what's with the look?
- I have a crick in my neck.

Since I no longer have
any furniture for my new place,

I had to sleep
in my tub last night.

Oh, how was your date?

The Italian people are
really good at making sauce.

- Fantastic.
- You're such an ass.

Could you speak up?
Mr Roberts doesn't hear so well.

If you're looking for your beeswax,
it's not over here.

Now she all mad.

I needed your help last night
and you bailed on me.

You're the one that drew
all these lines up,

said that we're not
in a relationship.

JD, I wasn't looking
for a boyfriend last night.

I was looking for a friend.

I guess she told him.
Gotta go.

I was thinking about what
you said and you're right.

Kids don't wanna hear
about being a janitor.

- I never said that.
- It's OK.

Cos instead,
I'm gonna be a doctor.

I borrowed some stuff
from your locker, our locker.

And, listen,
if I don't get it back to you

within, like, two days,
consider it gone.

I am so sorry. Miss Kaye told me
about picking up her grandkids,

and she said she was feeling
fine, and I believed her.

Doctor, follow me. Son, have you
used drugs in the last 48 hours?

Oh, no, sir. Never use drugs.

Because this shot you're
about to get could kill you

- if mixed with narcotics.
- Oh, drugs. Yes, sir, all the time.

See? Waiting for the tox screen,
six hours.

Frightening the bejeebies
out of the riffraff, ten seconds.

Everybody lies, Dr Turk,

whether it's that
doobie brother in there,

or, say, me when I tell my son
he can still live at the house

after he graduates from art school.
And by the way, sport,

Mrs Kaye doesn't have
any grandchildren.

I'm still a virgin.

- You're pregnant.
- Again?

Since the bypass, doc,
nothing but salads.

Look, it was an accident.

My flashlight
didn't have any batteries.

So you decided
to put your penis in there?

Mr Corman, great news.

Dr Zeltzer and I have
gone over your test results

and your prognosis is excellent.

- That's great.
- Yeah, it is.

But you know what? Pat yourself
on the back all you want,

but I'm not an idiot.

I know that you were
screwing with me,

that I come in here
thinking I'm sick when I'm not.

But if you remember anything,
remember this.

If I didn't have cancer,
I could have been just some guy

looking for help
that you treated like crap.

Yeah.

The whole thing
is giving me an ulcer.

You wanna be tested
for that too, don't you?

Do you mind?

Hey, Elliot...
Look, you were right.

I should have been there
for you last night.

Thanks.

And I'm sorry you lost all your things.
That totally sucks.

How are you holding up?

You know what?
It was just stuff. I'm fine.

This is good. It feels like
we've really turned a corner.

Throw her down on that gurney
and mount her like a lion.

I know.

- Why didn't you stop me?
- What?

Why did you let me
harass that guy?

You think the fact that
you got annoyed

and became insensitive with
another human being is my fault?

Yeah! Look, whenever I'm about
to do some stupid-ass stuff,

you're the one who calls me on it
and damn sure makes me stop.

That's the way it works.
That's the way it's worked for years.

Just exactly
what happened to that?

I guess I just don't get as good
a read on you as I used to.

Maybe all that therapy
has changed you.

Please, I'm crazier than ever.

During this entire conversation
I've actually been imagining myself

sitting on a throne between us,
watching all of this.

Maybe we're just not as close
as we used to be.

Maybe.

So you're just, like,
right here watching us?

No. Other side. Yeah.

I'm invisible to the naked eye.

Of course.

Why so sad, Chocolate Bear?

I just don't feel like going
back to that hospital, you know?

Yeah. Hey, is my breath OK?

I think Lisa and I
might try talking tonight.

That whole damn building
is packed with liars.

It is not.

Well, if the cut was that deep,

I'd probably just pull your arm off.

Once again...

Dr Jan ltor.
Dr Jan ltor.

OK, maybe you're right.
But we're doctors.

That comes with the territory.

Some patients don't like
telling the whole truth.

Well, I don't get
why people have to do that.

I don't know,
maybe it's because they're proud.

Maybe it's cos they're scared.

You know what?
It was just stuff. I'm fine.

Maybe it's because
telling the truth

would make 'em
feel too vulnerable.

I guess. Dude, you're gonna
be late for Gift-Shop Girl.

Oh, my God.

There are a few things
I've always believed in.

Flowers are good for any occasion.

Nothing is more important
than making time for an old friend.

Especially if the old girl's
seen better days.

Cos even if it breaks
your heart to be just friends,

if you really care about someone,
you'll take the hit.

And it wasn't just stuff.

It was all of my yearbooks
and this little pink blanket

that my grandma
had crocheted for me and...

Oh, and my first love letter.
My first rag doll.

And I only had one picture of...

And my shoes!