Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 13 - My Philosophy - full transcript

Let's face it,
most days start like any other.

But some days...

- Well?
- It's beautiful.

But my parents will kill me
if I marry a black guy.

- So you're gonna ask Carla?
- I'm doing it.

OK, ready?

- You sure?
- Positive.

Congratulations.
When are you gonna ask her?

Tonight. I'll make dinner
and put the ring in her champagne glass.

Might as well put it
in her cham-lame glass.

- Know-it-all. What would you do?
- First you get 50 candles, right?



Spread 'em all over the room
with some rose petals.

Because the roses are beautiful
and make the room smell amazing.

- Like a meadow in springtime.
- What are you talking about?

- Nothing. Guy talk.
- Yeah, bitches and hos.

- Come on. Hurry up.
- I just have to get changed.

Have you two met?

Todd, you're overcompensating, you're
gay, and you need to be OK with it.

Oh, yeah? If I'm gay,
how come I work out so much?

It's tough to be a woman
in a co-ed locker room.

Dance, they want you to dance.

Maybe I should
just change in the bathroom.

Honey? Do you want some champagne?

Actually, I'm just gonna
stay with coffee.

OK, coffee it is, for my baby.



Oh, what the hell,
I'll have some champagne.

OK.

Hot!

Are you OK?

I'm absolutely fine, honey,
because I am here with you.

Hello!

Mami. Why are you calling so late?

She's dead?

Yeah. I'll be right over.

My aunt Marie's dead!

She's only 60.

To one hell of a lady! Huh?

What?

You should be
with your mom right now.

Thank you, baby.

Stay out of trouble.

So I have to fly out late
for the funeral tonight.

I'm gonna need your help
covering my shifts.

- Anything for you, honey.
- Thanks, Mama.

Hey, can I borrow
a nickel so I can get a soda?

Sorry, this window's closed.

By the way, Elaine's back.

Elaine's been on the transplant list
so long,

she's in and out of here
almost as much as I am.

Hey, homeslice, we talked about this.

Don't get into bed until I come in
so I can see your booty.

If I finally get a damn heart,

I'll let you eat ice cream off it.

You are naughty.

It always feels so weird
to be sitting around,

hoping someone's family
pulls them off life support.

I honestly believe in hospitals

there's like this balance, you know?

It's like when one person dies,

another person gets a chance to live.

I like to call it the Circle of Life.

Oh, my God, you must stop
watching The Lion King.

I like that baby lion cub.
What's his name?

Simba.

Trick question! You like it too.

Oh, you girls. Excuse me, Elaine.

I actually need his opinion
on something.

I'd say she's pregnant.

Terrific catch there, Newbie.
Listen to her heart.

I heard mitral stenosis.
I need an extra set of ears. Let's go.

- It's flattering that you'd choose me.
- Ears, Newbie, ears. Not mouth.

Ted, Dr Koppleman has notified me

that he will be vacating
the office next to mine.

His deteriorating health has made it
impossible for him to continue with us.

Oh, dear, should we send him a card?

Absolutely.

See if you can find one that says,

"Crippling arthritis or not,
get out of my hospital by sundown

so I can knock down your wall
and make myself a giant office."

- You're a wonderful man.
- I don't mean to sound insensitive.

A man's office is a reflection
of who he is, don't you think?

Yeah.

Ralphie, spit it out. Spit it out.

Come on.

Why eat medical supplies
when you've got pudding and tater tots?

- It makes no sense.
- Hey.

- Get the ring back?
- Did I get the ring back?

Dude, I'm back. OK?

It's all set up.
She's going out of town for a week.

Somebody's covering for me tonight.
I'll take her to a restaurant...

You're killing me, Ralphie.

You are killing...
You did not swallow that thing!

Dr Kelso, I am through taking
my clothes off in front of men.

I think I can speak for all of us
when I say, "We'll live."

Every woman here hates
undressing in a co-ed locker room.

Except Naked Nancy,
but she's an exhibitionist.

She has other problems.

We have a co-ed locker room? Hot damn!

Dr Reid, if you really feel
the need to discuss it,

write it on a piece of paper
and slip it in my suggestion box.

- Really?
- Yeah. Ted, show it to her.

- Sorry.
- It's OK.

So, this locker room,

do you have to be a doctor
to change in there, or what?

- Can I borrow a pen?
- Here. Take this one.

Thanks.

See?

We don't always have to be like...

We can be
"How you doing?" "Good, thanks."

This can work.
We can be there for each other.

It's just a pen, Scooter, not a kidney.

- Thanks.
- No. You keep it.

Really?

Makes me look smarter.

Off to scrub the crappers.

So here's the deal, Mrs Larkin. You have
a valvular defect in your heart.

- Oh, God!
- Relax, Steve. He's a worrier.

Me, too. I'm a worrier.

- The thing is...
- Ah, here it comes.

The thing is pregnancy puts such
an extra strain on your heart that,

had we known about this beforehand,
we would've suggested you think twice

about getting pregnant
before getting the valve repaired.

- I would've done it anyways.
- Yeah, you would've.

Got a healthy supply of pluck,
don't you?

- I can't breathe.
- You're OK.

- Let's do this.
- I love the pluck.

How could any woman possibly stand this?

Hey, Nancy.

You've had six bran muffins, Ralphie.
How is it that you don't have to go yet?

I still have to pack.
Sure you wanna have dinner?

I am positive.

- Great.
- OK. All right.

All right, Ralphie, new tack.

I want you to do what I do.

Imagine that there are tiny men
inside your booty,

trying to push the dookie out, Ralphie.

Can you imagine that for me?

You told my son there were little men
inside him? He barely sleeps as it is.

- Sir, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
- That was sick.

But still, if you could do this for me,

I would greatly appreciate it.

Next time your son has a bowel movement,

take the dookie,
put it in a Ziplock bag,

and just call me on my cell phone.

It's for my girlfriend.

Ralphie. Little men,
pushing it out, pushing it out.

Mrs Larkin's aggressive. She won't let
her husband finish a sen...

Shut up, would you, please? At least
she's ballsy. Unlike that husband.

The overly thoughtful, sensitive type
that drives me crazy.

What?

I think the Larkins
complement each other.

They're a good team.
Kinda remind me of us.

Roseanne, now granted, I was, as usual,
only half listening to you,

but I get the feeling you just
compared us to a married couple.

I know, a girl can dream
but this is never gonna happen.

- Get in here.
- Atrial fibrillation.

Call an OBG YN for an emergency
consult and notify the NICU.

What the hell is going on?

Sometimes it's hard
to find the right words.

Once I knock down this wall right here,

I am going to have more room
than I know what to do with.

Sir, I'm so happy for you I could crack.

Sometimes words come easy.

Dr Kelso,
I demand a female locker room.

I loved it, but why spend all this money
on this fancy dinner?

Sometimes the words
don't come out at all.

No reason.

Ultimately, you grit your teeth
and just say it.

If we don't deliver the baby,
your wife could die.

You get used to the whole
balance-in-the-hospital thing.

You know, when one person lives,
another dies,

and how it seems to even out.

But it's so soon. You said so yourself.

- What'll happen to the baby?
- We're gonna do our best.

But it never seems fair
when it happens in the same family.

You're telling me
if we don't deliver the baby now,

my wife could die, and if we do,
our child probably won't live.

Sometimes, as a doctor, I wish my life
was more like my favourite TV show.

Come on, death isn't that bad,

especially if you're dying
from laughter. You're on Candid Camera.

- No, I'm not! Honey, no!
- I'll give you "Honey, no."

- Come out.
- Where are the cameras?

We gotcha. There's a camera there.
There. And there.

Mr Larkin,
we need a decision from you here.

I'm not ready to do that.

You go. I'll cover her.

Dr Kelso, I am not leaving here
until I get an answer.

Sweetheart, there are lots of people
who think the hospital

would be a better place
if we made some changes.

Take Ted, for instance.

I feel I'd be more productive
if my phone dialled out.

This hospital has always
had a co-ed locker room.

Ah, back when I was a resident,
I remember,

blah-blah-blah, nostalgic story.

Now, get the hell out of my office.

Not you, Ted.

Ted, get the hell out of my office.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

I'm only going to Chicago for five days.

I'll call you when I land. See ya.

- Don't go.
- Have you seen Mr Larkin?

No.

Thanks for the pen.

- Oh, no.
- This was my favourite T-shirt.

And this is my favourite skin.

You know I would never
mean for that to happen.

- I know that.
- This is a little cosy for me.

I don't think you people
are getting how difficult this is.

Trust me, I wouldn't want
to have to make this decision.

I wish I could ask my wife.

She'd be better
at handling this than me.

You know, you and I are a lot alike.

We may seem like the kind of guy
you can just

throw in a headlock
and draw a moustache on,

but... in crunch time
we always come through.

It's time.

Come on.

Dr Reid, are you off for the day?

I just didn't have a place to change.

Laverne, I'm going to pretend
you're not wearing that.

Don't you usually wait to get home
before you do that?

Plus, according to county statute,
all medical facilities are required

to provide single-sex bathrooms
and changing rooms.

Put that in your suggestion box
and smoke it.

Dammit! Where'd she learn
all that legal mumbo-jumbo?

- What are you doing, Ted?
- I'm trying to whistle.

You know,
so you wouldn't think it was me.

Stop the cab! Whoa, hey!

Baby, open the door.
Open the damn door.

What are you doing?

- Take it.
- Sorry, ma'am, my bad.

What is going on?

I gotta ask you something before you go.

What?

You're doing great.
You're gonna be fine.

Nice job, Newbie, a real nice job.

All we gotta do now
is cross our fingers.

Death is always hanging
around this hospital.

Morning.

Ultimately it all boils down
to what your attitude is about it.

I'm not afraid of death.

I mean, if I got a heart,
that would be great.

Still, if they told me
it was never gonna happen,

I think that'd be OK, too.
It's the waiting I can't take.

I just wanna know one way or the other,
you know?

I got an idea.

Why don't we switch
to a cheerier subject?

What do you think death is like?

I really hope it's like
a big Broadway musical.

Everyone's all dressed up,
and singing to the rafters,

and you go out with a real flourish.

I think it's like a game of dodgeball.

There's a lot of chaos and screaming.

And eventually, you get your glasses
snapped in half by the big kid

who already has underarm hair.

But then you wake up
in the hot nurse's office,

and when she leans in
to put that bandage on your nose,

you get a sense something could happen

if you took a chance
and buried your face in her knockers.

Holy cow, I'm so sorry.

I guess, for my part,
I think death is a lot like that story,

quite frankly, but if there is a God,

it'll be a lot quicker
and half as painful.

- It's fun to annoy him.
- That's what I do.

So they're making that office
into the ladies' locker room?

- Yes, Ted.
- Bummer.

Hey, maybe, whoever's over here
might not stay there forever.

I'm doing a research fellowship,
so I'll be anywhere from 15 to 25 years.

- That's a long time.
- Yeah!

You'll probably be dead.

We've known each other for like,
a year and a half, right?

Turk, that's my ride.

Give me a second.
I've been thinking a lot lately.

I'm talking here!

I'm gonna miss my flight.
I gotta go, honey. I'm sorry.

Will you marry me?

What did you say?

I think I said, "Will you marry me?"

Turk, wow!

I got a ring.

I don't have it on me,
but... it's in a safe place.

I can't believe this.

I've imagined you saying this to me
a thousand times.

I just never imagined
that when you actually asked,

all I would say is... I need to think.

Cool.

Yeah, phew.

That's... what I was hoping to hear.

I love you. I really do.

Love you too.

I'll be back in a few days.

I'll wait.

Congratulations, you guys,
he's doing great.

I guess my theory about life and death

balancing each other out in the hospital
doesn't hold true.

I guess sometimes you get lucky.

- What's going on?
- She's coding.

Any minute now

My ship is coming in

I'll keep checking the horizon

I'll stand on the bow

Feel the waves come crashing

Come crashing down

Down, down on me

And you say, be still, my love

Open up your heart

Let the light shine in

Don't you understand?

I already have a plan

I'm waiting for my real life to begin

My real life to begin

Oh, don't you understand?

I already have a plan

I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day

I can see

- See
- See

See

See a very long way

She's gone.

You'll be OK?

Yeah.