Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 14 - My Brother, My Keeper - full transcript

Hey, Chocolate Bear, did you ask her?

She said she needed to think about it,
then she went to Chicago for five days.

He needs you. Stay positive.

She's thinking, she's thinking,
and we should go out drinking...

- Wanna get a beer?
- I am not moving until she calls.

All right, man. I understand.

Still nothing?

We just keep missing each other.
I'm not sweating it.

She asked me to pick her up
from the airport. That's a good sign.

Good sign? I am so sure
Carla's going to say yes.

If she doesn't, I'll walk naked through
these halls singing Me And Bobby McGee.



Janis Joplin. Good God, she was an uggo.

No offence, don't think I have
anything against ugly people.

- Why would I take offence?
- No reason.

I see you're on the nephrology service
with Doctor Townshend this month.

Doctor Townshend is like the anti-Kelso.
The nurses love him.

Patty, that colour is great on you.

The attendings love him.

- How's the best doctor here?
- You tell me, hotshot.

Everyone loves him.

Everyone.

Thank you... for being you.

The weirdest thing of all
is he and Kelso are best friends.

- There he is!
- Missed you on our morning jog, buddy.

What is that now,
about 200 days in a row?



You're a pistol!

The only place this guy's running to is
to a bakery. Who's got me up high?

The mistake you made there,
you didn't pat his belly.

- It soothes him.
- Dammit.

It's so beautiful.

I would have showed it to you before
you left but I couldn't get to it.

That is a long story.

Thank you for not pressuring me.

Don't get me wrong, you left me 40
messages in five days, but I know you.

If you weren't holding back,
it would be 140.

I do love the speed dial.

So, you got an answer yet?

What's the deal, there, Gandhi?
Are you gonna be a bride?

Oh, come on,
this is one of those very small windows

when I'm borderline interested
in your life.

What's the deal?
She give you an answer?

Freedom's just another word
for nothing left to lose

Not yet.

Here's the 50 bucks I promised.

Keep it, man. That was for me.

- Todd, get dressed.
- I'm going back out there.

I can't believe I walked naked through
the halls of the hospital last night.

- I know that wasn't you.
- How?

I could pick your Puffn'Stuff
out of a lineup.

It changed since you saw it.
It got a haircut.

Turk's brother is staying
for the weekend.

- Little brother.
- How's it going?

- It'll be fun.
- Hey, Kev.

Hey, Alfalfa! What's the happy-haps?

That depends. What's a happy-hap?

So, this is the place, huh?
This is nice.

Hey, hey, so, how's this baby,
is it all right?

- This here is fit for a king.
- Well, that's good.

Makes me feel better about sleeping
in your room while you're here.

That's not gonna work.

I'm a businessman, we can work it out.

I sent you to college and med school,
and you have done nothing for me.

I'll sleep on the couch
and you cut me a cheque for 80 grand.

- I'll go get my pillow.
- That was good, Kev.

We should make him
make dinner for us tonight.

- He'd be our personal slave.
- Our personal what?

Oh, no, I don't mean
like that kind of slave.

How 'bout he be the house slave,
and I be the field slave?

- Does that sound fun to you?
- No, that wouldn't be fun.

What's going on?

I forgot how much fun it was
messing with Alfalfa.

The reason we're late
is you took forever to get ready.

That's what happens when you're vain.

Whatever, Mr Yesterday-l-Had-Chest-Hair
-Today-l-Don't.

Sometimes Elliot can't help herself.

- Dr Cox, you're a waxer?
- Hark!

It is the high-pitched warble
of the Nosey Nellie.

Don't see many of those flitting
about the halls anymore.

Quite frankly when one does,
one shoots to kill.

Now, Barbie, Jordan is here
for her ultrasound today,

and I'm going to be holding
her claw the entire time,

so what you've done
is essentially volunteered

to do all of your work and all of mine.

Step this way, I'll be more than glad to
tell you more about what you've won.

- See you at lunch, Bobby.
- Split-pea soup today.

Sir, Dr Townshend was telling me

you have some great
stories about the hospital.

- I'd love to hear one sometime.
- Well, what the hell.

Back in '68... I don't like you.
The end.

- He tells that one a lot.
- I know.

I know you're labouring over this
proposal so I'll sweeten the pot

by telling you
I have a killer best man's toast.

I'm going to rush
my biggest decision

so I can hear you say,
"When I first met Chris Turk,

I knew this was a guy
I could party with forever. Yeah!"

Please.
She's psychic.

I want a nice lunch
with my boyfriend and his brother.

Carla didn't know Turk was using
his brother as a selling point.

Because no one said family
more than Kevin Turk.

- Baby...
- Yeah?

- Check out my brother's kids.
- Oh, they're adorable.

How's that great marriage of yours?

- Over.
- Oh, no.

- Say what?
- I couldn't take it any more.

- I had to get the hell out of there.
- Get the hell out of there?

Do something to change the subject.
Anything.

Everybody, soda-chugging contest!

- Excuse me.
- When did you have the fajitas?

So, are we finding out
the sex of the baby today?

- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.

If you're incubating
some kind of man-bat in there,

we should find out as soon as possible.
There are vaccinations to consider.

Tell you what, we'll compromise. I'll
decide this, and you get to decide...

- Sorry, I've got nothing.
- It's common to feel differently.

Actually, I'm not the father,
he's a bellboy in Greece.

- We think.
- Neat.

- It's kicking me.
- Who can blame the poor thing?

That's odd.

- What the hell just happened?
- I moved your ladder.

I don't know why you keep
doing these things to me.

I don't know either.

Well, if it isn't my favourite
custodial engineer.

- Do me a favour, will you?
- Yeah.

Help me look after this kid.
One of the good guys.

I've got a meeting this afternoon,
but what do you say

tonight me and you tear it up
like we used to?

I've got to work.

Get somebody to cover your ass.
I'm only here for the weekend.

I just asked Carla to marry me and
you were in there acting like a jerk.

Man, you're engaged? Congratulations.

She hasn't exactly said yes yet.

Sometimes a lady
just needs to sleep on it.

- I asked her a week ago.
- Damn.

On the bright side,
you are definitely flying solo tonight.

I'm out.

Hey, Chris, come on, now,
I was just playing.

Chris!

If you really don't want to know
the sex, it's time to look away.

Dr Cox, I...
Excuse me, I just need you.

This is ridiculous. I'm going to
find out the sex of the baby.

Dr Gerson's not gonna tell you.

Look.

Oh, gosh, I guess I'm stuck, then.

All righty.

We'll talk later.

Go.

Out. Chop-chop.

- Sir, can I call you Townsie?
- No.

I was having a great time
working with Townsie.

Now, Mr Singer here needs a swan,

so why don't you go ahead
and do an IJ cut-down?

A cut-down? No one does those anymore.

Shouldn't I do a modified Seldinger?
It's much safer.

Nah. Come on, let's do old-school.

- But, sir, I don't...
- Scalpel. I'll get the kit.

Somebody...

So often in a hospital,
you feel you're alone on an island.

Whether it's because you can't bring
yourself to make an important decision.

Or because you're waiting for an answer.

Or because you know a secret
you wish you didn't.

I was on that island
because somebody else put me there.

OK, c'mon now, just cut through.
Good.

Open up the vein. But be careful
not to nick the carotid artery.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, no.

The vascular surgeon said
pick up your patient this evening.

He also said he could
give you a loaner patient

if you needed someone to butcher
until then, but I didn't get it.

- No one expects you to, son.
- OK, thanks.

This sucks, but as bad as I feel,

Dr Townshend feels even worse
for making me do the procedure.

Don't worry about it.
I'll take the blame.

He hides it well.

Do you really think
he wants to get married?

Any guy willing to scour
the face of the earth

to find the world's
smallest diamond ring

clearly knows
exactly what he wants.

I don't know if he's mature enough.

He couldn't stop giggling
when he had to operate on Mr Wiener.

- It's a funny name.
- Stop it.

Look, the guy is 27 years old,
he's a surgeon,

involved in a long-term,
monogamous relationship.

As much as I'd love to trash him,
I'm not down with the maturity thing.

Barbie! I need you to go to the lab
and get Mrs Miller's bloodwork.

I also need you
to disimpact Mr Burnett in 317

and what did you say
the sex of the child was?

You do those things,
and when you're done,

I'll think about telling you the sex.

Seems you went to a swap meet
and got yourself a big-boy spine.

- You tell or else.
- Or else what?

You'll treat me worse
than you usually do?

Here's the inside scoop. I have
leverage. You're familiar with leverage?

You'll need it
when you disimpact Mr Burnett,

who is so locked up he's
been eating gum, rubber cement or cork.

- Look, Barbie...
- Yeah, that's not my name.

Fine. Doctor...

Reid? Really?

- What?
- Nothing.

Elliot Reid in the house!

Sit.

- Oh, no, thanks, I'll just...
- I'm not asking.

This is the kid I told you about.

We're gonna look out for him.
This is Brent, from Parking.

He'll set you up with a sweet spot at
the entrance so you're never late again.

Crazy Eyes Margo,
from Housekeeping.

She'll make sure you got freshly pressed
scrubs in your locker every morning.

This is Troy.
You know him from the cafeteria line.

He's gonna stop spitting in your food.

Thank you for that.

I don't understand
why we gotta be nice to this punk.

- I said so.
- Yeah, but...

Troy. No more warnings.

Bring the hands in.

Bless us and thy gifts we are about to
receive from thy bounty through Christ.

Look out for each of us,
including our new member.

Help Margo
to find her way home tonight.

Still, something was bothering me.

How many more times
will you make me apologise

for introducing you to your wife?

- Once a month until she's dead.
- Sir, do you have a second?

Sport, what did I tell you
about my open-door policy?

- I don't have one.
- Dr Kelso.

I was the one who nicked the artery
on Mr Singer.

Cheese on rye, son,
I just said it was me.

Shape up, son. Lord knows you're never
gonna get by on your looks.

Right, first of all, at the very least,
I'm interesting-looking, all right?

And secondly, I feel I made that mistake

because Dr Townshend forced me
to perform a procedure

that is unsafe and outdated.

Sorry, Townsie.

Let me get this straight.

You screwed up doing something
you should be able to handle

and now you're here to tattle on the guy
who's taking the bullet for you?

Is that right?

Do me a favour, will you, son?
Grab that for me.

Thanks.

I'm sorry, sir.

- Kelly clamp.
- Kelly clamp coming right up.

Hey, Rowdy.

- You seem distracted. Something wrong?
- No, sir. I call everyone Rowdy.

Want me to leave him in the car?

You freaked out my girlfriend.
You want to get me fired?

- Why not smack me in my face?
- Fine. Check this out.

I can't believe this attitude.
I've taken care of you your entire life

and I tell you that I'm getting
divorced, and you make it about you.

You didn't seem too broken up about it.
Why should I care?

She left me, OK?

All righty there, Dr Leverage, listen up
because here's the real inside scoop.

I could literally sculpt
a gigantic Mr Burnett

out of what I just removed
from Mr Burnett,

so I think it's in your interest
for you to start talking.

Should I get the child
a baseball glove or a tutu?

- Girls can play baseball, too.
- I know what girls can do.

You've come a long way, baby.
Spill, doll.

I really think
you should think about this,

so I wrote it down
and I put it in an envelope

and then I gave it to her.

Hi, honey.

Oh, you are just
so going to pay for this.

Yeah, well, so are you.

Bend over, baby.

I think Mr Singer's gonna be just fine.

Oh, jeez, Bob,
don't creep up on me like that.

I almost dropped some fruit in my looms.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Say, listen, nowadays,
it has become kind of hospital protocol

to do a modified Seldinger
in a case like this.

You do know how to do one of those,
don't you?

- Of course.
- Good.

Because the patient
in bed number two needs one.

You mind doing it for me?

What the hell's this all about?

Nothing,
I was just looking over your files

and well...

...your oesteoporotic patients
aren't on bisphosphonates,

your diabetics aren't
on ACE inhibitors.

Doug, a lot of your treatments
are pretty out of date.

C'mon, Bob, guys like us,
we're set in our ways.

This is not an age thing, Doug.

These days, if you're out of med school
five years,

half of what you learned is obsolete.

Why do I spend every
other weekend at a seminar

in some two-star hotel ballroom that
still stinks of last night's prom vomit?

I do it because I have to keep up.

Also, it gives you two days
away from the missus, right?

Once again, sorry I was the one
who introduced you in the first place.

Look, Bob, I just...

I don't have the energy
for all that stuff.

Well...

Then we got a problem.

So, you want to talk
about what happened?

No, man, look, it's just too depressing.

You're in a bad place, but you'll
get through it. Give it time.

What am I supposed to do until then?

Barkeep, I'm going to need these two
glasses and that bottle of whiskey.

Excuse me, my brother definitely
needs to borrow your hat.

And for the love of all that is holy,

would somebody
please put on some country?

- We are a horrible couple.
- You couldn't be more wrong.

Even though that isn't my kid in there,
I still want to feel connected

and I just thought
I'd be more hooked in if I knew.

It's funny.

Every time I think you're the same old,
sharp-edged jackass,

you turn around and do something
to remind me that you're such a pansy!

Listen. I was hoping the two of us
could find out when the baby comes.

But if you really need to know now,
just keep it to yourself.

Run away there, missy, cos guilt trips
don't work on old Perrerino.

If you're still standing there
when I turn around,

I'm gonna have them
erase your name, too.

Goodnight, sir.

It's not always easy
to do the right thing.

This is to my brother, y'all,
my brother!

Like putting someone else's feelings
first for a change.

Even if it goes against
what you really want.

No.

Of course, there's always ramifications.

My car.

You think it's my fault he got fired?

- Why would you say that?
- No reason.

Let's see you drive home now,
Mr Doctor Man.

Troy! I said just stand there, didn't I?

Yeah.

I may have to get rid of the guy.

Even if you do the right thing, there's
no guarantee it'll turn out right.

He ain't heavy, he's my brother...

She's not with him.

And she ain't with me. She's with Rowdy.
Not like that.

Because even something as harmless
as 20 or 30 drinks with your brother

can end up biting you on the ass.