Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 15 - His Story - full transcript

Where Perry talks to his psychiatrist about how Jordan wanted him to bond with her family but instead he preferred to stay home and invite some of the guys at the hospital to his place to ...

Turk's relationship is so messed up
I decided to lighten his mood.

Nothing cracks him up more than
the block-the-door-with-my-foot gag.

Oops, wrong person.

- What happened?
- The door got stuck. Gotta go.

Baby, you know how much I care
about you, right?

- I'm dizzy.
- Yeah, you're fine.

Honey, I know it looked really
bad last night with me and Kevin

coming home liquored up
with a hot chick.

Kevin was freaking out about
his divorce. I was being supportive.

Yeah, by dragging home
some random bar skank?

- Dude, you're not helping.
- Not trying to help.

I have figured out why you're not ready
to marry me yet.

You think I'm too immature.

- It's not about that.
- Is it my sleep toots?

Cos baby,
I will stop having dairy after six.

I don't know what it is, Turk.

Since you asked me,
all I wanted to do is say yes.

It's just that every time I try to,
something stops me.

You just have to be patient.

Yeah, about that...

So, he just said he was gonna
keep asking until I said yes.

That is exactly how I lost my virginity.

Except Turk didn't propose
in Jim Filliseti's crawl space.

- Yes?
- Whoo-hoo! You said yes!

- We're getting married.
- Stop celebrating.

That's just how I answer the phone.

It's only been ten minutes
since we last talked.

Don't you hate it when people
yap away on their phones?

She's my friend.

But she is so rude.

Don't you work at the hospital too?

Yeah, I actually just got off
a double shift.

- That's why I look so gross.
- Oh, you don't look gross.

You know what,
you don't even think you look gross.

You're one of those girls who uses
self-deprecation as a defence mechanism,

even though, without looking, you can
tell how many guys are checking you out.

- OK, five.
- No, actually, it's four.

The guy in the mullet
is checking me out.

I let him buy my last two drinks.

Thanks again, cowboy.

Back off.

So what, you just gonna
keep on asking her?

If you love somebody,
gotta be willing to break their spirit.

Here you go, fellas.

Thank you, Jenny.

You're welcome.

Yo, check out these fries.
That girl is so into me.

Please, she's crushing on the brother.

- Why, because you're black?
- Let's get one thing straight.

This has nothing to do
with me being black.

This has something
to do with me being smoother.

Oh, here's a towel.
And here are your shakes.

Thank you, Jenny. Hey, wait, Jenny.

What flavour do you usually go for?

Do you like chocolate or... vanilla?

I'm a vanilla girl.

I'll go get you some more towels.

- Go ahead and say it.
- She got jungle fever

She got jungle fever

I had so much fun tonight.

I hope I didn't talk
about myself too much?

Hey, Elliot, I said I wanted
to know everything about you.

And now I do.

So listen, I'd like to take you out
tomorrow night.

I don't wanna seem
like I'm rushing things...

See you tomorrow.

Oh, my God!


I'm not big on public displays
of affection, that's all.

Hit it.

Carla Espinoza, will you marry me?

Oh, my God.

C'mon, citizens, let me hear you.

Honk in the name of love.

Honk for love! Honk for love!

I've gotta say, life is pretty good.

I've hit my stride as a doctor,
all my patients are doing well,

and I've finally figured out
that even though they're uncomfortable,

my medium scrubs
have a large effect on the ladies.

Yep, everything's just great.

For the first time since I started,
I have no stories to tell.

Sometimes you know it's a crappy day
from the moment you wake.

Today was one of those days.

See, I have an appointment
to see my shrink,

and it feels like there's
a little friction between us.

You will not beat me.

Listen, "Doctor",

while we're on me just for a second,

my very pregnant ex-wife
would like me to take

a couple of days off
and travel to her mother's house

so we can reconnect as a family.

And I assume that you told her
to blow it out her ass.

You get me! Darn it, you do!

Yes, we're like two peas
in a horrible, horrible pod.

Anyway, I invited a couple of my friends
over to the apartment while she's gone.

Some beers, watch the game.
It'll be great.

- And I was wondering if you...
- I'm not your friend.

They're not either.

So how's your rage going lately?



Next time you feel anger welling up
in your meaty chest...

Oh, give it to me.

Take a deep breath
and count to ten before you react.

Do you think you could do that, Perry?

For the record, I'm not a child. OK?

Dr Cox?

I just wanted to tell you...
Well the thing is...

One, two, ten.

Finish the sentence in the next
two seconds or start running.

Dear God,
you're actually frozen with fear.

Don't worry about a thing.
I'll talk you through it.

I want you to relax,
take a big breath, and now...

Get outta here! Go, go, go, go, go.

- Morning, Dr Cox.
- Gladys, Ginger, Tiffany, no.

Cheryl, Betsy... Ooh, that's new.

Betsy, good morning.
Let's make with the chop-chop.

You already used Betsy,
like six months ago.

- Dammit!
- Perry! How are you, etcetera?

The wife and I took out a new
insurance policy. I need a physical.

Bob, the day I willingly cradle
your dusty old twig and berries

and get a whiff of your halitosis
while you turn and cough,

is the day I'll be on the roof
singing I Believe I Can Fly.

Great stuff. See you about two-ish.

- You should just do it.
- Really?

It'll take 15 minutes
and it wouldn't hurt to be in with him.

- You're giving me advice?
- Feel free to return the favour.

Fair enough. Try this on for size.

No matter where you go in life,

always keep an eye out for Johnny,
the tackling Alzheimer's patient.

What's that supposed to mean?

Who am I?

Just run one of the other nurses
down here with some bedpans, please.

Laverne, why can't you do it?

I've been here for 23 years
and my feet hurt.

After all I've done...

Laverne, I am so excited
about this doctor I just met.

He's nice and humble.

I hate how so many doctors
are so self-centred, you know?

- I know, girl. Yesterday...
- And he's cute, too.

Hey, fresh bedpans here.
Get 'em before they're hot.

- Dr Reid.
- Hey, Nurse... Paul.

- It's Paul Flowers, actually.
- Flowers?

Yep. Up you go.

- Marry me?
- Still thinking.

OK. Baby, I have figured out
what's bothering you.

- Really?
- Yep!

You think I haven't
played the field enough.

I just wanted you to know, that I've had
a long, productive playing career,

over which time I've slept
with many, many women.

And by many, many women, I mean three.

Take away two,
equals one and that's you.

Marry me? No!

Here's the deal. I want all of you guys
at my place tonight.

Get there for 7:30. We'll have food,
booze, the whole nine yards.

- Will there be prostitutes?
- No.


It's just a physical.
You can be cordial.

What do you say there?

How 'bout we do
just like you do with Enid?

Close our eyes,
pretend we're with someone else

and be done before Leno starts.

Save the racket
for the tennis court, big guy.

I took the liberty
of filling out the form.

All you have to do is sign right below
where it says, "Fit as a 26-year-old."

You're not suggesting I rubber-stamp
your insurance physical, are you?

Just sign the damn form.

Or you could take your shirt off
right now

and be done with all this
in five minutes.

I am not going to make this
uncomfortable for you.

- Come on, I'm a professional.
- OK.

Had to be done, Bob.
Continue, handsome.

- How's it going?
- I just got my vertebrae fused.

I've got nothing.

Hey! Hold that elevator!

I'm pressing the button.
It's not working.

Hold it! Hey!

Hold it!

- Morning, ma'am.
- I can't move my head.

So what?

Carol, I cannot thank you enough.

Is that Bengay?

Come on, Elliot,
so Paul's a male nurse.

You're big enough
not to let that bother you, right?

I'm dating a murse.

Better that than a mecretary.
Or a manicurist.

- No, that works.
- It's no big deal.

Only you guys know. And Nurse Roberts.

She's not that much of a gossip!
Is she?

Dr Reid, Nurse Paul.
Dr Reid, Nurse Paul.

Dr Reid, Nurse Paul.
Dr Reid, Nurse Paul!

We're talking about only six inches
and about 70 pounds,

plus he's twice as fast
as the other guy.

Dr Reid and Nurse Paul... dating.

Giant, who cares?

So see you fellas tonight,
what, around 7:30?

Don't be late or you won't get a seat.

- I'll bring the Fluffernutters.
- Newbie.

I'd invite you.
Unfortunately, it's guys only.

You and your damn physical.

Thanks to my high blood pressure,

my insurance premium will cost me
an extra six grand this year.

That's six grand my wife
already spent on a new chin.

If I were you,
I would plan to work every holiday

from now until a few months
after you're dead.

Newbie, this is your fault.

Where is he?

Where is that little rat bastard?

Oh, hey, pal.

I'll always remember our time together.

Gotta go.

- Marry me?
- Still thinking.

I figured it out.
This is what you're afraid of.

The typical surgeon.
A dumb, arrogant frat boy

whose behaviour is so disgusting,

it is embarrassing for a woman
to be seen with him.

- No offence, buddy.
- None taken. I gotta run.

They're doing a breast reduction
on three. I wanna try to stop it.

You know what I'm talking about.

- It's not The Todd.
- It's gotta be The Todd.

Turk, will you stop?

Yes, I've never been
a big fan of surgeons

and, yes, I worry
about your maturity sometimes.

I'm a worrier, it's what I do.

But you have got to stop trying
to pinpoint what the reason is.

Cos there's so many, right?

I mean, you don't like who I am,
you don't like what I do.

C'mon, I like the way

I have to stand
on my tippy toes to kiss you.

It's not enough.

Hey, Elliot. I heard you got your
nursing degree in the male... nurse!

What's up?!

That's her. Don't look.


Oh, my God.

Whoa, Doctor!
Hey, I'm not that type of gal.

Shut up, Paul.
You are a man and I am a woman.

Hey, Elliot, are you OK?

I got very drunk last night

and I decided
that I'm not giving up on you.

So, how'd you do
with my counting exercise?

I tried it once
and I thought it was stupid.

- That's it. We're done.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You're dumping me?
- I hope we can remain friends.

Now, please don't take away
the privilege of letting me pay you

$200 an hour so I can drag my ass
in here and watch you nod.

The only other place
I can get that on the planet

is from my Brett Favre bobblehead doll.

Fine, you wanna know
what I really think?

Your problem isn't making bad choices.

It's that you identify the good choice
and then intentionally do the opposite.

You see,
behind this boorish bravado of yours

is a paralysing fear
of letting anyone into your life.

And it isn't because you weren't loved
when you were a kid.

You're so egocentric
that the love wasn't enough.

So you pulled pigtails

and you pushed the fat kids
into the dirt

so no one could ignore little Perry.

Well, little Perry is now 40 years old

and is so invested
in this narcissistic notion of yourself

as "loner" that you can't quit.

And you'll just keep dumping on
everyone around you

until eventually,
and please, trust me on this,

there won't be anyone left.

There's a million reasons
a relationship can crash and burn.

Give me a break.

Whether it's because you don't
have the stones to make it work.

Sorry, I have to... cancel tonight.

Or you just get sick and tired
ofjumping through hoops.

OK. You win.

All right, you don't have to worry about
me asking you over and over anymore.

Eventually, everyone bails.

Two bits.

If it isn't my favourite
career counsellor.

You don't have more tips
on how to climb down the ladder?

I've been thinking about
how you blame me for everything

and how you just send a constant stream
of crap my way,

and... I decided I need a break.

So you came by to tell me
you're a complete wuss?

No, I came over here to tell you
I traded with another resident

and switched off
your service for a while.

Well, tears and hugs there, Katie,

but unless you wanna come inside
and give the fellas a lap dance,

I gotta say sayonara,

cos I got 20 guys in here
and it's about to get nutty.

All the best, baby.

Turns out last night got in my head,

so this morning I swallowed my pride

and asked Dr Gross to take me back.

I have a hammer in my desk.

It did not go well.

Dr Cox,
I was the one who switched with JD.

Nervous Guy! How you feeling?

- A little nervous.
- Oh, that's OK.

Don't worry about a thing,
cos I'm gonna ease you in.

You have eight seconds to find
this patient's chart or you're through.

- Oh, God! Chart? Chart?
- You want me to look for it?

- Has anyone seen the chart?
- I got the chart right here.

- Cheer-up hug?
- What?

When I was little and sad,

my mom would always have the maid
give me a cheer-up hug.

Further explaining your love
of the Latino people.

Carla, whenever you need to talk.

It's just I don't think
that Turk is being fair.

He didn't get the answer he wanted when
he wanted it so now he's pushing...

What do you want?

OK, wait, wait, wait.

Are you kissing me
because you want this to go somewhere

or because you feel bad about
blowing me off yesterday?

Actually, I don't care either way.

I decided to bail on Cox
for a while, you know?

He sees a shrink every day
and is still the biggest pain in my ass.

Is he in group?

Maybe it's not everybody else,
maybe it's you.

- Yeah.
- Good sharing.

- I see your point.
- That sounds right.

- Anybody got anything else?
- Yeah, I got one.

Come here.

I don't think he'd do well in group.

So what's up with Carla?

I'm starting to think if she really
loved me, I'd know by now.

Maybe it's time to retreat,

protect myself
so I don't get hurt any worse.

- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Sure.

- Here you go, fellas.
- Thank you, Jenny.

- You're welcome.
- Eight strips of bacon.

That girl is all about the J-Dizzle.

Oh, yeah?

- My God, it's Pancake Panda.
- That's what I'm talking about.

Keep it together, pee-pants.

You have six seconds to find
that soda you were holding for me.

Has anyone seen a soda?
Oh, for the love of God.

What is it there, Bobbo?

I'm sorry.

What did you say?

I spoke to my cardiologist

and he said if you hadn't caught
my high blood pressure,

and it had continued unchecked,

it might have resulted
in a mild case of... death.

Must fight urge to rub it in his face.

Anyway, I owe you one.

Must rub something in someone's face.

How's that coma
going for you there, pal?

Much better.

I bet you never
made out in there before.

No, never.

Come here.

Nurse, I need clean sheets right away
to room one... thousand.

She's covering because she's
embarrassed she likes a nurse

and I really can't figure out why.

That's because
you're doing a woman's job, son.

Have a good one.

Great. Why did you do that?

You know, what I do for a living doesn't
make me feel like any less of a man.

Neither does my love of baking
or gardening,

or that I occasionally menstruate.

- What?
- Elliot, lighten up.

Stop worrying so much about
what everybody else thinks.

Go ahead. I'll see you outside.


Boy, I gotta say, your wife is hotter
than I ever imagined.

Hello, Perry.
You're obviously trying to bully me.

But you can't bully me
because I don't fear you.

- Now I'm leaving.
- Kelso asked me to give him a physical.

He said thank you
and told me he owed me one.

You actually made a decision

that benefited you
personally and professionally?

Well, a resident
kinda talked me into it.

Come on. You're telling me

that you took the advice
of another human being?

- This is a great moment for me.
- Congratulations.

Thank you.

And, Perry,

if there's someone at that hellhole
of a hospital you actually listen to,

do everything in your power
to keep them around,

because that person
is nothing short of a genius.


Hi, yeah, I'm stuck in the elevator.

Yeah, I'm afraid
it might be a little while.

Because you did this.

Ah, no. I think we both know
you did this to yourself.

Well, I'll let you go.


Hey, Laverne,
have you seen Turk around?

He's off today, honey.
How come you don't know that?

I don't know.

Everybody, I appreciate solidarity,

but I did not blow off Paul
because he's a nurse.

Stop leaving bedpans in my locker.
It makes me cry.

Paul and I are just different, OK?

Please, Elliot, this is not about Paul.

This is about you.

About you not being able to commit
because that means saying goodbye

to whatever unfulfilled fantasy of love
you concocted

after seeing too many Meg Ryan movies.

But men don't make everything
all better. They're only human.

Don't punish him
because you grew up so fast,

you never let someone else
take care of you.

He's not your father. He won't disappear
at the first sign of trouble.

And as scary as it is being truly
vulnerable with another human being,

what's even scarier is that deep down
inside you know you picked this man,

and if you run away, you'll run away

from being the kind of person
you always wanted to be.

Carla, I just met the guy.

All right, here we go, baby.
Here we go.

Are you talking to that chilli dog?


Yeah, well.

I find that they don't repeat on me
as much if I'm real friendly to 'em.

- What?
- Nothing.

It's weird seeing you in the real world,
you know?

I feel kinda guilty.
You're so nice to me and my buddy

and we've never had a real conversation.

We act like school kids and argue
over who we think you got a crush on.

- It's totally you.
- What?

Vanilla over chocolate? Please.

In the event of a water landing.

Yeah. Incoming. How you doing?

Did you climb down an elevator shaft
to torment me?

Sometimes in life,
you gotta do what you gotta do.

Look, I promise you the Door Open button
was not working.

No, it's OK.
We can work this thing out.

Seriously, put your hands together
like you're praying.

Hey, Dr Cox! Good to see ya.

What the hell, he's a decent kid.

Be a man and apologise to him
from the heart for once.

For God's sake, Lily,
stop being such a complete wuss

and come back to work with me.

- Fine.
- Good.

Give him a pat on the back.
He's wanted it since day one.

Just do it.

The second Dr Cox
patted me on the shoulder

I thought about how
he always shows up just in time.

I'll hang onto this.

I guess in the end,
everything comes down to timing.

Sometimes, you just have
one moment to seize it.


I know that I've been acting
like an insecure idiot.

If you'll forgive me,
I'd love to take you for dinner tonight.

Screw that. I'll cook for you.

I've only got one apron, though,
so bring your own if you wanna wear one.

Oh, please.
You all wish you could bag a nurse.

- She's right.
- Shut up, Zeltzer.

You shut up.

And if your timing is good
and it works out for you...

...make sure you cherish it.

Because bad timing
can mess up everything.

You wanna grab a cup of coffee?

I don't know.

I'll let you talk to it
before you drink it.

OK. We can get one cup of coffee.

- Just one cup.
- One cup. Sure.

Hold on one second.
Let me just answer this real quick.

- Yeah, hello.
- Ask me again.

Sorry, but I gotta go.