Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 18 - My T.C.W. - full transcript

but lately it feels
like romance is in the air.

- How's that?
- You close your eyes too early.

And you always go in right.
Try going left.

- The girls'll dig that.
- OK. Fo'shizzle.

What's up, girl?

Nothing that dog did in life
could deserve that.

What you talking about? My man's single,
he's running drills to keep sharp.

It would be great if you never
mention this to anyone, ever.

Are you crazy? You know she'll say
something. We're talking about Carla.

- So now I'm a gossip?
- Yeah, you gossip all the time.

- Since when?
- Since ever. To everybody.



It's weird, ever since they got engaged,
Turk and Carla have argued constantly.

You want some kibble?

I guess I always hoped that the longer
you're a couple, the easier it got.

No noise.

And the whole world gets it.
You love your body.

Put your damn shirt on,
no one's making a calendar.

And be a sweetie and get me a juice,
will you? Thanks so much.

As much as it may seem
like it to me personally,

I feel desperately compelled to remind
you that we are, in fact, not in prison.

And I am just so not your bitch.

Watch your language
in front of the baby.

You're gonna have
to trust me on this one.

Seeing as you're his mother,
he's gonna hear that word early,

and he's gonna hear it often.
Like... non-stop.



Maybe it's easier to be a new couple,
because you can't see what's ahead.

Tonight, I am going to make
all of your fantasies come true.

You know, I would be happy
just to have sex above the covers once.

Yeah. Never gonna happen.
Now, follow my voice to the bedroom.

Over here.

You're in trouble tonight.

Oh, my God.

Don't take the blindfold off!
I'll get a towel to stop the bleeding.

The safest thing for a couple
is to find a routine and stick with it.

Ted, have you noticed how happy
all the minions are lately?

- I wish I was dead.
- Yep. People love working here.

Good morning, sweetheart.

It all makes me glad I'm on my own.

I don't think I'd have it...

Hello, ladies.

Just window shopping,
or would you like to try something on?

Aren't you the guy
that makes out with dogs?

Carla. A quick word.

Is anybody else a doctor?

I need you to extubate
the young fellow in 304

and start an insulin drip on Mrs Adler
for the third time this month.

God bless diabetics
who continue to drink. Oh, and Lassie.

In response to the bestiality
rumours circulating about you,

I've decided to forgo calling you
by the usual girl's name

and instead I'm gonna refer to you
by whatever famous dog I can think of.

I've gone with Lassie because,
of course,

that satisfies the criteria
of being a girl and a dog's name,

thus helping you
ease into the transition.

I was just running kissing drills.

Oh. That's completely normal, then.

Don't bring that filth over here.

Dude. TCW's back.

TCWis a horrible story.

She was married for three weeks before
her husband got in a car accident

and became a total vegetable.

He's been on life support for two years.
Since he was transferred to us,

she's visited every Wednesday.
Very, very sad.

Oh, and she's a babe. We call her
Tasty Coma Wife. Or TCWfor short.

- How's he doing?
- You know. He's the same.

How are you doing?

I was calculating how much time
I need to spend here

so I don't feel guilty all week.

Now I need to double it,
because I can't believe I said that.

I think you're allowed to do
what you want, Mrs Moyer.

- Please, call me Jamie.
- Jamie? OK.

You have something on your cheek.

What? Workin' in a hospital,
it's always something.

- Yeah, I got it.
- Did you get it?

No, not yet.

- How we doin' today?
- Excellent, sir.

- No one going to hell in here.
- Super.

You've always known
about my sleep toots.

You used to imitate the sound, remember?

I make Mr Roberts
wear special air-tight boxer shorts.

I wrote the guest list for this
conversation, and you're not on it, OK?

So just... As for you,

could you go one day without
making a big deal of everything?

One damn day, woman.

Carla, would you take this young
man back to his room in Paediatrics?

Apparently as a form of social protest,

he chewed on and subsequently
swallowed part of a Rolling Stones CD.

Tell you what, Ralphie,
they sold out for good

once they started doing
Ford commercials, eh?

- We'll talk later.
- Come on, Ralphie.

- I had that inside of me.
- What, now?

He's just making stuff up. Come on.

I swallowed that ring.
My dad had to wait for me to go No.2.

The black doctor gave me ten bucks
to keep quiet.

Good show today.

Elliot. A blindfold?

- Way to step it up, Miss Nasty.
- You told him what happened.

We were bonding.
What are you eating?

Turkey jerky. Protein, baby. Go for it.

- No, thanks.
- Don't like it?

- Never tried it.
- Never?

Jerky rocks. You'll love it.

I've put a lot of thought into this
and I'll have to pass.

So, eight stitches,
and now you don't trust me?

And you wanted above-the-covers sex!

I feel your pain.

Luckily, I'm a competent enough doctor,

I'm not gonna let myself get distracted
thinking about Jamie.

Can you really hear my heart
if it isn't in your ears?

- Did you go to med school?
- No, I mean...

No, you didn't. Thank you.

The problem is that I'm in a rut.

I just need someone to go out
and get a beer with me.

I can't tonight.

If I have more than one beer,
I'll most likely kill myself.

Can't. You seen Turk?

Married.

- Can't swing it tonight.
- Come on, player, just a few beers.

And if we accidentally run into
some skanky hos, then so be it.

I'll go.

I totally need to blow off some steam.

Plus, the best way to meet skanky hos
is to already have a girl with you.

- Not that I need any help.
- Pff! Hell, no!

You got something...

Oh, my God.
I gotta tell you about that day.

I haven't named him yet.

I've been calling him Monkey Face.
They'd tease him at school.

Seriously, I had this one patient...

He's got a boodgie like a grape
in his nose.

Would you run back to the hospital
for a suction thingy?

If I'm not back in 20 minutes,
I don't want you to worry

because it simply means I drove
by a prostitute on the way home.

Make sure it's a girl.

Please don't do this.

- Do what?
- The whole drama-queen thing.

The jerky incident is what
is wrong with our relationship.

Thank you.

Every lunch, someone hits me
with a spit-ball.

I'm still not sure how I feel
about Paul and Elliot.

Nice day, huh?

Always got something to say, don't you?

Old Nosy Nelly
always gotta throw his two cents in.

OK, I'm sorry about the nice-day thing.

How can I make this right?

What's it, biscuit and gravy day?

- Yeah.
- Just give me one of them biscuits.

I thought you were ready.

How does
this whole wing-man thing work?

Essentially, you have to think
of yourself as chum.

Your job as chum is to lure
attractive women closer to the boat.

Mental note. The Boat could be
a very cool new nickname.

Hey, baby. Would you like some of this?

- Look at that.
- No, no, Jamie.

A little aggressive. Sorry.

- Did you like her?
- No, no.

Her ass was way too perfect.

- Can't believe I'm having fun.
- I'm glad.

So, Tasty Coma Wife, huh?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

I've heard some idiots call you that.

- I kinda like it.
- I thought it up.

Cheers.

Is this true?

- Ralphie, I paid you ten dollars.
- This is disgusting.

- Why is it?
- Because it was in my butt.

I'm serious. I want you to shut up.
Shut your mouth now.

- Would you wear this?
- Baby!

I've had this steam-cleaned three times.

Not only would I wear it,
I'll put it in my mouth.

What?

It's fun to eat things.

Scooby.

A married woman whose husband
is still in a coma?

Can't tell you how many happy couples
I know who got started just that way.

Will you relax? We just got a beer.

What you got there?

One hundred free booger suckers
and you'll say nothing.

Toto, please, oh, please,
keep hanging out with her.

Because I'm gonna enjoy watching
this one bite you right on the ass.

And I good and guarantee you, she will.

People in relationships
always dole out advice

even though they're usually
the ones that are messed up.

See you, Elliot.

Whether they're considering
breaking up over a Slim Jim.

Or having their stomach pumped.

Orjust desperately trying
to get attention.

So I'm not gonna sweat it
just because I made a new friend.

I mean, what's the big deal?

- Hey.
- Hey...

May I come in?

- He likes you.
- He must smell my dead dog.

You haven't asked why I called
your work, pretended to be your sister,

got your address,
and showed up late at night.

You've got a lot going on right now.
I'm sure you're a little confused.

It's time for me to start my life over.

I would love to take you out to dinner,
if you'd be interested.

Holy crap!

Jack wouldn't want my life to be over.
My husband.

- Mr Moyer.
- Call him Jack.

- I'd rather not.
- I know it's weird.

- But give it some thought, OK?
- Of course.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- All right, I'll see you.
- Yeah.

Dude. Was that...

Was that Tasty Coma Wife?

Yeah.

You'll figure out what to do.

For God's sakes, you're The Boat.

- Here you go.
- Thanks, Jack.

- What?
- Cold chart.

Good cover.

Five letters. "Showing vulnerability."

"A blank in one's armour."

- Chink.
- What?

Chink!

No. No, Franklyn, we were...

We were doing
a crossword puzzle and...

- I always suspected.
- We all did.

Franklyn, no.

Wow. Tough break.

OK, Mrs Brady, we'll break up
your kidney stone with lithotripsy.

We're gonna put you on Percocet
for the pain.

I can't take painkillers.

Justin's still breastfeeding.

You like milk, do you?

Why don't you get on your bike,
go to the store and get some?

I think at a certain point,
breastfeeding becomes creepy.

- You are such a little cutie.
- Mom, I'm trying to eat here.

- But...
- Mom.

Benji, come.

What is with mothers
doting on their children?

My God. It's like nobody else
exists in the world anymore.

But I tell you,
and you can take it to the bank,

my mother never paid
that much attention to me.

- It doesn't show.
- Word to the wise there, Astro.

Sarcasm does not sit well with
the Big Dog, so consider this a warning.

The next time I hear you mumble some
little passive-aggressive aside,

I'll look into your heart,
pick out your insecurity,

and shine a spotlight on it
for the remainder of your days.

Now, riddle me this, Fido.

Just exactly why does every Asian person
who's passing us by

keep giving you the old stink-eye?

Oh, you're imagining things.

Ow.

It's just been hard for me lately.

I don't really have anyone
special in my life.

I'm pretty much either here
or at home doing nothing.

Yeah, that's rough. I'm in a coma!

I've had an itch on my foot
for the last eight months.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. It's a new therapy.

You'd trust me on something
important to me?

Course.

See? That's what I'm looking for.

We're talking about dried meat.
Why would you get in the middle?

I don't know what I was thinking.

- Is that a straw?
- No, this is just a pen.

Pink scrubs.

Well, there it is,
all cleaned up for you. Enjoy.

Well, why don't you keep it?
In case you get hungry later.

Oh, you think that's funny,
huh, Ralphie?

Pay me my ten dollars.

Son, a hospital staff
is like a melting pot.

We all need to respect each other.

If you think a specific ethnic group
is loud, lazy or sneaky...

Or incredibly closed-minded
and inappropriate.

Exactly!
Just keep it to yourself, dammit!

What?

Nothing, sir.
I just thought of something funny.

Maybe what you should do
is saddle up your mop and head upstairs.

Someone has vomited in the second,
third and fifth-floor hallways.

What? It's not my fault.

Ralphie. Let's ride.

Good work. Here's your 20 bucks.

You can throw up whenever you want to?

- Hell, yeah.
- We should look into that.

You know, right after you
blow chunks in the elevator.

- Hey, stranger.
- Hot!

It's weird realising you missed someone
you barely know.

Wait. Make me proud.

Good God.

I decided to take Jamie out on a date.

- Who?
- You know, Tasty Coma Wife?

- No way.
- Nice job, Hooch.

Tell you what.
Give me a little time,

and I'll rig it so that
the husband can come with you.

I'll have him sittin' up
right next to you, no problemo.

- What do you say?
- I'm free and I love Italian.

- You be quiet.
- I can't believe you, Bambi.

- She is so right.
- What are you thinking?

Oh, Rin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
And shut up! OK?

Who are you to give me advice?

All you do is just bitch about
your relationships all day long.

You know what? Glare all you want,
Big Dog, cos I'm not afraid of you.

"Jordan's only paying
attention to the baby."

Must be so hard for Dr Look At Me.
Isn't it?

Look at me!

And you two?
You're arguing since you got engaged?

You're probably the first couple
to do that ever.

It can't be that you're just scared,
is it?

And you. Let's just forget
for one second that, a month ago,

you told me you couldn't be
in a relationship.

Because, for me, it's actually fun

to watch you sabotage
your relationship from the outside.

The only thing that gives me comfort,
you guys,

is while I'm at home,
staring at the ceiling,

just wishing I had someone to talk to,

is knowing none of you idiots
realise how lucky you are.

Did I miss something good?

- Thank you so much for dinner.
- You're welcome.

But what was the deal
with tipping $20 on a $30 bill?

Ah, nothing. I just love Chinese food.
And the Asian people.

What should we do now?

Kiss me.

I could do that.

Mm. You went left. Very cool.

Thank you, Rowdy.

So, it's cold outside.
You wanna come back to my place?

I think you might be moving
a little fast for yourself.

And there's a part of me
that's very angry I just said that.

I'm so sick of being alone, you know?

Tell you what, look me in the eyes

and tell me that you're ready
to start something right now,

we won't even need a cab.

I will throw you over my shoulder

and just sprint
the 12 miles to your house.

But...

I'll call you sometime.

I hope you do.

Bye.

I don't think people
are meant to be by themselves.

That's why, if you actually
find someone you care about...

...it's important to let go
of the little things.

Even if you can't let go all the way.

Because nothing sucks more
than feeling all alone.

No matter how many people are around.