Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 17 - My Own Private Practice Guy - full transcript

You've been avoiding Dr Cox

since Jordan told you
her baby was actually his.

This chance meeting is a sign.
Time to let go of the secret.

You just need to find a smooth way in.

Hey, Dr Cox. Taking a whizz?

We've been over this before, Newbie.
Eyes front, no talking.

OK, fine, I'll just read the wall.

"JD has a tiny pickle."

Kudos for honesty there, Newbie,
but again no talking.

Dr Cox, I have to tell you something.

Aw, Perry, you pee standing up at work?



That is so cute. Would you come on?
We're on a tight schedule.

You know, with all the baby weight
you haven't lost yet,

I went ahead and assumed
you'd be used to tight things by now.

Aw, that's lovely. Well, hello, sailor.

Ahoy.

My goodness, Newbie, are you
so uncomfortable with Jordan here

that you've in fact,
stopped peeing mid-stream?

I may have.

Yes!

I wonder why Dr Cox
and Jordan got divorced.

They act like they hate each other,
but that's just for show.

Yeah, whatever.

Are you going to stretch
before you play?

Turk likes to blow off steam
by playing basketball before surgery.



I always get my ass kicked
but not today.

And that's game.

How the hell did we lose?
We have Chet.

- Sorry, man.
- Chet, you suck.

You know what?
Some stereotypes are true, Turk, OK.

And just maybe, black people
are a little better at basketball.

What do you say?

- Maybe a little.
- Y'all got hockey.

Why do you think they got divorced?

No idea. I can't believe
you had to pee in front of Jordan.

I could not do that. Paul's my boyfriend

and I make him turn the TV way up
when I go.

Plus, he's not allowed in the apartment
an hour before or after I do twosies.

You're a doctor.
Stop calling it twosies.

Oh, with patients I say dookie.
Oh, dookie.

Well, Maggie, I can only assume
you are wiling away the morning

cat-chatting with your favourite gal pal
because you've finished pre-rounding.

- Haven't started yet.
- What?

- Gotcha. Finished.
- That's a good one.

- Quite the prankster.
- I could tell some stories.

If there's a God, you never will.
This is Mrs Grayson's chart.

Her private-practice doctor
just showed up so I am off this one.

Well, is there anything I need
to do for her lung nodule?

I don't know, what do you say
start her on 20 CCs

of "it's not my problem anymore?"

Another pretentious private-practice guy

who'll order me around while
he counts his money all day.

- Hey, you must be JD.
- He knows my name.

I'm Dr Fisher, I go by Pete. Never call
me Petey, we'll be friends for life.

Look at this. Don't believe me?
I already got you a latte.

- Thanks. A latte.
- That's funny.

- We got a good one, Sally.
- How's that funny? Ah, just go with it.

I always pull pranks. Before, Dr Cox
was like, "Did you do pre-rounding?"

Sorry to interrupt.
I do wanna hear that story.

Could you get a pulmonary consult
for Sally?

Yeah...

You're thinking why didn't you do that,
but would it overstep boundaries?

What if I was a territorial ass
with a giant ego

or a territorial ego with a giant ass?
Stop me, Sally!

You're gonna help me.
Help me get Sally out of bed,

That way, I can go back
to trying to get her into bed.

- Stop!
- You stop, foxy lady.

You're doing great.
From now on, follow your instincts.

And you, don't flirt so much.

Wanna make him jealous?

No.

Thanks a latte. Thanks a lot.

Thanks a latte. I got it!

At a hospital, there's always
one sure way to deal with boredom.

You guys wanna go laugh
at the narcoleptic guy?

It's insensitive, but let's face it,
narcolepsy is a funny condition.

And it can be triggered
by a number of things.

Like stress.

Or anger from, say,
three double bogies in a row.

- Or, in Mr Hilliard's case...
- Sexual arousal?

I'm going in.

Is falling asleep after sex
considered narcolepsy,

cos if it is, Mr Roberts has got it.

First she'll stick her chest out
and then she'll toss her hair.

That's sexy.

- Pen drop.
- Oops.

That did it.

Hell, yeah.

I have a boyfriend. Work is going well.

I feel cute
for the first time in my life.

My self-esteem cannot be touched.

It's been so weird since I got engaged.

You're right, I'll never get married.
Message received.

- This is about me.
- Really? Oh, OK.

I don't feel attractive at all lately,

like I've lost my spark or something.

Remember what Kelso said
about your hair yesterday?

It makes you look frumpy.

- I thought he said clumpy.
- How is that better?

You don't know.

- Morning, boys.
- Sir, this is where we play.

Funny, I thought
this was where we worked.

Dr Kelso, I have a low anterior
resection this afternoon

and I'd really like to exercise
in order to be at my best.

Well, I'd really like grandkids someday,

but the last five Christmases, my son
has brought his roommate Brad home,

so you tell me whether life is fair.

You did your residency here, too?

Are you kidding me? We lived, we loved,
we sang, for crying out loud.

Laverne, remember that time
you and I got a little crazy, right?

Went down to the waterfall,
stripped off our scrubs, dove in.

- Remember?
- You hitting the crack pipe?

That's the kinda magic
I'm talking about, buddy.

- Hey, ladies.
- You must know each other.

- Dr Cox.
- Petey.

Sometimes in an awkward situation,
it's best to go to your happy place.

It's not uncommon.

A lot of people keep plants
in their apartment. Right, JD?

Jay, you're so crazy.

We have a little history, yeah.

What's up his pooper?

He's mad cos I went into private
practice and he's in this hellhole.

That guy was my mentor, man.

I lived and breathed
for that guy's approval.

That's lame.

Once you learn his tricks, it's easier.

- Tell me about it.
- Yeah.

No, I'm serious. Tell me about it.

Well, you know
when he gets on his rants,

he gets all hyped up, his veins stick
out of his neck and he starts yelling?

When he's done, look at him,
stare him in the eye and say,

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

I don't know why, but it works.
Trust me.

How do you get him
to stop calling you girls' names?

- Girls' names?
- Oh, never mind.

Dookies.

- I've got to get this thing fixed.
- Allow me.

May I?

Ah, yep.

See what you got here is a Medicom XJ.

It has a hip guard. I'm guessing
it's always coming loose.

- It is always coming loose.
- Been there, seen it, fixed it.

- Give that a try, missy.
- Thank you.

For what? For doing my job? This kinda
thing gets me up in the morning.

That and the smell of urinal cakes.

- I'll see you around. Have a good one.
- Back at you.

- What are you smiling about?
- I just made a new friend.

This is so unfair. Everyone has a way
of taking the edge off.

You and I, we've got basketball,
Nurse Roberts has got her stories.

Some guy named DRK
loves Ms Pac-Man,

cos he's got the high score
of 41 million.

DRK?

Dr Kelso.

Ms Pac-Man, I would sex that bow
right off your head.

Eat those dots,
you naughty, naughty girl.

- Hey, Dr Cox.
- Hey, buddy.

I was just thinking about you.

How it might be nice to have somebody
around here who could help me out.

Somebody I could call,
gosh, my resident,

and we'd do stuff together,
medical stuff.

It would just be peaches.
But then it occurred to me

a guy who looked a hell of lot
like you used to be that guy.

Monica, just because
you have a new buddy

doesn't mean you can suddenly
drop your regular duties

and I know
I just said "drop your duties."

And so help me God,
if you even smile

I will crush you
into two little Newbie cubes

and hang you from my rearview mirror.
What you gotta say for yourself?

Just do it.

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Welcome to today's lecture: the
Biomechanical Reaction Of Dr Perry Cox

When He's Not Being Listened To.

Stage one: The Jaw Clench.

Quickly followed by stage two:
Syllable Elongation.

Newbie, I re-hee-hee-ly
don't have time to repeat myself.

Finally, stage three, Cox begrudgingly
offers a little respect,

then distances himself
by overusing the word "there."

But I gotta give it to you there
for yanking my chain there.

There.

The young soldier is offered a prize
for his courage.

Get ready.

I'll tell you what there, Newbie.

If you wanna
stick around and help me out

with Mrs Riley's
pericardiocentisis after work,

that'd be great.

I knew this was his way
of reaching out, but still...

- I have plans tonight.
- What plans?

Think of something believable.
Grandma died.

No, if she does die, you'll feel awful

and she's no spring chicken.
I should call her.

But when we talk, I have nothing to say.
How about asking me how I am for once?

- Newbie.
- My grandma died.

Hello, Mr Hilliard.

Hey.

I just wanna make sure
you're comfortable.

- Who are you?
- They call me Carla.

OK, Carla it is.

Mr Hilliard?
Do I have something on my...

...lips?

Nope. Totally clean.

I felt guilty about blowing off Dr Cox
to grab a beer with Pete.

Of course, that was before
we got Nancy as our waitress.

The kid's a doctor, for crying out loud,
he saves lives.

That's worthy of your respect, or at
least one drunken weekend in Vegas.

- Three-day weekend.
- Three-day weekend. Columbus Day.

That's coming up, right? Come on.

Everyone deals with problems
in their own way.

Some lash out at others.

Some just end up lashing out
at themselves.

And some people just try to hide.

Nancy. Nancy.

Unfortunately, that never works.

Hey, Dr Cox. Look, I'm so sorry
I lied to you last night.

I should've told you I was with Pete.

Did we just slip
into some alternate dimension

where I give a flying duckie
about what you say and do?

I know he's in private practice
and everything,

but Pete's a really cool guy.

He is a bad guy.
And Newbie, if you're smart,

you will stay away from him.

Oh, my God.

You're actually jealous that
I'm hanging out with another doctor.

- No, I'm not.
- Laverne?

- Jealous.
- Ta-da!

Marsha, if I were you,
I'd drop this jealousy thing right now.

Don't worry about it, champ.
It's all right to need me.

Touchdown.

- Hi, Happy.
- I'm hideous.

I can't even get Todd
to make a sex joke.

Watch this.

Todd, I'm out of extra-long
tongue depressors.

- Do you have one for me?
- Sorry, Carla, I'm all out.

How did he not say,
"In my pants?"

What is so different
about me since I got engaged?

Wait. I found one. It's not made
of wood, but give me a minute.

Have you checked
Mr Oberman for hypertension?

Because I've got hypertension
right here.

No way...

Boobies.

Charts.

- I know it was you.
- You mean this right here?

- This is mine from home.
- 40 million, son.

Do you know how many patients
I had to ignore to get that high score?

- People died.
- Well, what about me, sir?

I need to play basketball.

Since you lost that stupid game,
aren't you more stressed than usual?

Open! Open! Open!

- Maybe a little.
- So what do we do now?

Now, this is how you relieve stress.

Dammit to hell.

The janitor's a nice person?

He is such a sweetie.

I'll ask him an innocuous question,

and his answer will be filled with hate.
Filled with it.

- How's it going?
- Very well, sir.

Thank you for asking.
How are you?

- Do you not see the hate?
- What is wrong with you?

- That was a good one.
- I think so.

All right. Go.

Hold it. No.

He's doing it.

What's the deal, Alpha Dog?
Gonna cut me some slack?

Petey! Petey! Petey!
Petey! Petey! Petey!

OK, good answer.
I understand you're seeing Jordan again.

I just wanted to say,
seriously, good for you.

Know what would be
seriously good for you?

- More bran in my diet?
- Never mention Jordan again.

Do you guys mind if I turn on CNN?

My grandma bought me a stock.
I wanna see how it's doing.

Look at Rockefeller.
Pass me the remote, buddy?

Cool, these guys are finally
starting to get along.

- Or not.
- No big deal.

I'll do one of
these to change the channel.

We can just leave it on this station.

Mr Hilliard, I like my body.

- OK.
- I didn't always.

When I was ten years old,

my swim coach told me
my butt stuck out too much.

Now I like it when my boyfriend
looks at my wagon and goes, bam!

You know? I'm OK with my curves.

Women inject God-knows-what
into their face to have lips like mine.

Mr Hilliard!

I can hop out of the shower

and look at my body for ten seconds
without losing it.

That's more than most women.
But when I can't make you fall asleep,

it's like hearing my swim coach's voice
again. And my body doesn't deserve that.

- What can I do?
- Fall asleep.

- I'm not attracted to you.
- Why?

- You remind me of my sister.
- But I'm not your sister.

That's what I'm talking about.

- Had to be done.
- OK, terrific.

Grown-ups tackle each other
all the time.

I can't change what already happened.

But believe me, I never meant
to come between you and anyone.

Watching Dr Cox and Pete
fight over me was...

Oh, hell, I'll say it. It was awesome.

You went and took something
that did not belong to you.

A little possessive, but I'm flattered.

Worse than that,

you did it knowing full well
exactly how I felt about her.

He just wouldn't be Dr Cox
if he didn't refer to me as a her.

Hey, for what it's worth,
I didn't make the first move.

That's a lie. You bought me a latte.

Hey, guys.

We were having problems.

Problems that you knew about
because I confided in you.

What did you do with the information?
You used it to get Jordan into bed.

- Didn't you?
- Perry, come on.

Go.

And finally the reason Dr Cox
and his wife got divorced

became abundantly clear.

Yes.

Get in there.

- Say it.
- I'm your bitch.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've
only been playing this for 56 years.

Dr Kelso, is this young man
a guest of yours?

Dave,
I've never seen him before in my life.

Really?

Dave. Hey, man, you don't got...

Yeah, I do.
Don't you run from me.

Kelso!

Hey, hey, Jack Daniels, what's crackin'?

My cousin's volleyball team
has a game tonight.

Tall girls, tiny shorts. You in?

- I think I'm gonna pass.
- I get it.

Still in Perririno's corner.
That's OK, buddy.

Look, just a word to the wise,
all right?

Just be careful
who you hitch your wagon to.

I mean that.

Yikes. I gotta go. OK?

Hi. Can I buy you a house?

I guess sometimes
it comes down to loyalty.

Hey, Dr Cox.

Still no talking in the bathroom,
Newbie.

- Know what's weird?
- That you're allowed to talk?

I never blamed Jordan. I was chief
resident, I was here all the time,

and I always made damn sure
she knew she came second.

But God Almighty,
I'm trying harder this time.

I just hope I'm doing the right thing.

Who cares if Jordan wants to keep it
a secret? Tell him it's his baby.

Scream it from the mountains.
Dr Cox!

- Oh, there you are.
- Hey, babe.

Hi, handsome. How are you?

Oh, hello, DJ.

- Hey, Jordan. How you doing?
- Oh.

Around here, you have to grab hold
of the littlest victories.

Whether it's victories
over your insecurities.

Dr Kelso...?

Or security's victory over you.

Kelso!

Either way,
you've got to choose your battles.

I want you to tell her the truth.
Tell her that you're a surly,

devious, horrible excuse
for a human being.

Who's that?

- It's my son.
- Oh, my God, JD.

I'm sorry, I didn't even see him there.

No, no, no. I'm glad he heard it.

I think it's important he sees
how the world treats people like us.

I'm so sorry.

Who the hell are you?

Go on. Beat it.

Scram!

All right, stick around.