Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 16 - My Karma - full transcript

I still can't believe
you guys are getting married.

I know. All my girlfriends
think I'm crazy.

About... you...
because you're so damn cute.

Good save.

- Thanks for coming out tonight.
- This is the only way to celebrate,

with close friends...
and Nurse Roberts.

Hey, don't get all pissy now. You said,
"My treat, order whatever you want."

You didn't say, "Except the lobster."

I said no shellfish.

I wasn't really mad.
This was great, except for one thing.

- Can't celebrate without beer.
- Absolutely.



Sure, Paul was dating Elliot,
but luckily I'm not the jealous type.

Well, I'll go ahead
and make a little toast here.

A toast that only people that
have known Turk and Carla

more than a week will understand.

You guys rock. You do.

How's that taste, blondie?

You know, I've just gotten
to know you as a couple,

but you remind me of my grandparents.
They were married for 65 years,

Every night, before Grandpa and Grandma
walked around the block,

he would look deep into her eyes
as if to say, "I'd follow you anywhere."

Anyway, the way you two
just looked at each other,

I could've sworn I was looking at them.

Lame! This guy.

Morning, Dr Kelso.



How is it this hospital gets up in arms
if our MRI machine misses a tumour,

but every morning our coffee machine
spits out warm urine

- and nobody gives two hoots?
- We missed a tumour?

Who cares? Point is I have to go across
the street to get coffee.

Piping hot coffee that puts a hop
in your step and your ass in the john.

I just wish I really knew
why it hurt so much right here.

Mr Simms,
it could be because it's damp out.

It could also be because four days ago
I sliced your chest open with a knife.

You had surgery, buddy, you'll be fine.

Dr Dorian,
I have a couple of minutes off.

Would you like me to show you
that technique I told you about?

See, now what you wanna do
is choke up on the club, like this.

And then hit this bad boy
like a baseball.

You can't teach that.

No, you cannot, my friend,
no, you cannot.

So what was up with Mr Simms
back there?

During his open-lung biopsy,

I accidentally nicked his intercostal
artery, now he's got a haematoma.

- Are you gonna tell him?
- What, and risk a lawsuit?

Besides, it'll heal just fine, anyway.

Hey, throw me another ball.

- Do you believe in bad karma?
- No.

Hot cup of lava coming through.

I don't know, me, I think karma
keeps the universe in order.

Karma-shmarma.

If you're not getting
the length on the drive you need

a lot of the better pros
take a running start.

Righty-o!

In medicine, you get used to seeing
a lot of horrible things.

Morning, sport.

My God, do not say splotchy.

- Good splotchy, Dr Splotchy.
- Oh, it's barely noticeable.

- Oh, dark roast.
- Dammit.

There she is.
Are you ready to be born today?

Get away from my stomach
or I'll put you in a leg lock

and snap your bird neck
with my enormous thighs.

- Enjoy your special day.
- Thanks.

Now, in honour
of this little goblin's arrival,

I have gone ahead and taken
care of everything.

Dr Gerson will be waiting
to induce you.

She will also administer
the world's largest epidural.

I have awfully under-qualified residents

covering all of my patients

so that I can be with you
every step of the way

and here's the kicker.

I have traded every single one
of my weekends,

I have called in every favour,

and kissed every pompous, wrinkled ass
in this fluorescent hellhole

so that I could secure for you,

the one-and-only, mack-daddy,
out-of-your-mind birthing suite

in this entire hospital.

Nice job, Alice.

- Hey, Paul.
- What are you doing down here?

I just need a nurse to help me out.

This nametag says
"Paul Flowers, Nurse",

not "Paul Flowers, Boyfriend".
Now, what do you need?

Mr Mahoney threw up on himself.
He needs a bath.

Hey, Deena,
my girlfriend's got a job for you.

- Right...
- Paul, I just want you to know.

I am having such a good time with you.

Me, too.

Sorry I didn't call last night.
I just crashed.

No big deal.

You don't let little things bother you.
Like now, you've got pit stains

and you're like, whatever,
I'm working hard.

What can I say?
I'm an easy-going gal.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

I need deodorant
and a dry top over here!

Doctors love to use humour.

Well, Mr Foster,
your blood tests are back,

and the good news is
you're not pregnant.

Cos your...

I said, "not pregnant."
Is this thing on?

And hey, what is the deal with Q-tips?

They're not Qs
and they're not tips.

But unfortunately,
the CAT scan suggests

a laceration in your spleen,

which is why I asked
for a surgical consult.

So how'd this happen anyway?

A golf ball hit my windshield
and I drove into a tree.

OK, here's the deal.

You are in fact supposed to be
up in the mack-daddy suite,

but the woman who's in there
is in her 40th hour of labour.

Did you explain to her
that it is my room?

I started to, then she screamed,
grunted, pooped on the table.

God, it cracks me up that they never
tell pregnant women to expect that one.

I'm going to poo in front of people?

No.

Yeah.

- We are so done talking.
- Don't tease me.

- Where's Dr Gerson?
- With that woman.

Who the hell will take care of me?

- She's sending her resident.
- Hey, happy couple.

Hi, I'm Donna Berlutti,
but you can call me Dr Donna!

- Carla, you know how I'm really crazy?
- Sure, what's up?

It's so hard
to hide the crazy from Paul.

I hear you, girl.
Turk and I are engaged,

and only last week I admitted the reason

I don't touch the seat in the bathroom
isn't germs

but because I'm afraid of toilet snakes.

And now so am I.

With men, you just have to hold out
until they're invested enough

they won't run away at the first thing.

I know, and with Paul, I feel like
we're getting pretty close now.

- So, you guys have...
- Not yet.

- But tonight's our fourth date.
- Four dates?

One date longer than the sluts,
one date shorter than prudes.

I am Four-Date Reid.

Yeah, but what about
that surgeon the other...?

I'm Four-Date Reid!

Hey, cutie.
Hey! You ready for our third date?

Fourth. You forgot the time we ran
into each other at the coffee machine.

You shut up.

Hi.

Why am I playing golf?
This is all Tiger Woods' fault.

This guy'll sue the hospital, we'll get
fired, we'll have to become male whores.

Successful whores.
A nicer apartment and some bling-bling,

- but male whores nonetheless.
- Relax. Nobody knows about this but us.

- We'll be fine.
- Hey, hey, hey, guys.

Check out the personalised golf club
cosy I found on the roof.

Hi, Davy.

You and your stupid Christmas present.

One of the balls you hit
went through the windshield of my van.

No big deal.
I just expect you to replace it.

Your windshield's
been broken for a year.

Yeah, I know. Still...

Oh, no!

Looks like we're in a pickle.
Pick, pick, pickle.

Here's the keys.
Have it back by tomorrow.

- Who are you?
- Dr Turk.

I don't care.

I'm not gonna lie to you there, Bob.

I have not been
having the greatest day.

I just drew in this eyebrow five
minutes ago, so cry me a river.

Anyway, Jordan and I got stuck
in this crappy room

and I was wondering if... whew!

If you want a favour, don't beat
around the bush, just curtsey.

I beg your pardon, there, Backdraft?

You heard what I said. Well?

Always remember
how I made you do that.

Hey, fellas!
Always nice to have visitors.

So, what's the dealio?

Ted, how bad would it really be

if two doctors were hitting
golf balls off the roof

and they caused a car accident
and the driver needed surgery?

Ted?

Hey, fellas.
Always nice to have visitors.

- So what's the dealio?
- No dealio, Ted.

We just stopped by to say hi.
Hi.

See you later, buddy.

- Later.
- Hmm!

- We knew what we had to do.
- Let's come clean.

Let's not tell anyone ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever.

- Ever?
- Ever.

I guess it's hard to predict
how a person will react.

So, you wanna come in?

Nah, it's OK.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Well, Jordan, why don't we just
think of today as a test run?

Other times, people react
exactly how you think they will.

The only way I could've felt
more taken care of

is if I were at a four-star resort,
or a spa, or a Third World country

where you boil your own sewage
if you want something to drink.

Oh, and by the way,
giant, giant feather in your cap

for how much power you wield here
after 15 years!

Come on, come on, Jordan.

I am so sorry everything fell apart
today, honest to God I am.

I guarantee when you get here tomorrow,

Dr Gerson will, in fact,
be in the super-deluxe birthing suite.

So that you can go ahead
and have that storybook, drug-addled,

Pitocin-induced pregnancy you've
dreamed of since you were a small girl.

But in the meantime,
you gotta cut me a little slack.

I mean, come on,
it's not like I see the real father

- running around here busting his hump.
- Oh, that's nice. I'm going home.

- No, no, you're not.
- Bye-bye.

Jordan, your water just broke.

This kid's annoying me already.

I think having babies is so much fun.

- I will choke her.
- Dr Berlutti, no more talking.

Oh, you know,
I really prefer Dr Donna.

No means no, Pep Squad,
now beat it. And Jordan...

I am not gonna leave your side
until that baby is delivered.

- Get the hell out of here.
- What?

I'm serious. Why don't you do us
both a favour and get out?

Fine.

It's important to stay positive.

Get me an epidural
before I rip your teeth out!

Okey-dokey.

- Hey, Girl's Name.
- What?

Give me a break.
I got a lot on my mind, Ellen.

Look at that, I bounced back.

Anyway, the cave bat
just kicked me out of its lair.

Seeing as I no longer have my
all-access pass to Crazy Town,

I need you to occasionally go in
and poke her with a broomstick,

just to see how she's doing.

- Dr Cox.
- Please, just check on her, OK?

What if she has the baby
while I'm in there?

- Here it comes!
- What the hell is that?

Get it off! Get it off!
Somebody get it off!

I'll check on her later.

- Elliot, wait up. Elliot.
- Hey.

I wanted to explain about last night.

We had a great time and I know
you wanted me to come in to...

Oh, no, no, no, I invited you
in to see my fish tank.

Is that what you ladies
are calling it nowadays?

- Careful, Todd.
- Sorry, Nurse Flowers, sir.

Elliot, I think you're an amazing girl,
I really do.

But something just didn't feel right
about last night.

I've rushed things with people
in the past,

and I don't wanna do that with you.

In the past?
Does he have an ex-girlfriend?

Is that her? Slut!

I feel the same way.

- Hey!
- Oh, I am on to you.

I'm going this way.

So now, why'd you finally agree
to marry Gandhi?

Well, he's amazing in bed
and he has an awesome CD collection.

Seriously. What got you to the point
where you weren't scared anymore?

Please, I'm still terrified.

Good luck finding a pen cap
at the nurses' station.

- Know why?
- Why?

- Ate 'em all.
- Sounds like good roughage.

What do you do
when you get scared?

Run away, get a divorce, drink alone.
You know, the classics.

The thing is that this time I am
killing myself for this woman

and I'm still getting my ass
handed to me.

There is no Shangri-La, you know.
Every relationship is messed up.

What makes it perfect is if you still
wanna be there when things really suck.

- You know, I'm not so sure.
- It'll come to you.

Right, gentlemen, either of you
in the market for a van? $500.

- The windshield cost that much.
- Oh, 800.

- No, thanks.
- Come on.

There's still half a deer in the back.

I think that's a deer.

After being blackmailed,
I decided to check in on Jordan.

You tell me, Donna.
Do I look like I need more drugs?

Ow, my face!

Then again, I have other problems.

I know some windshield hush money
won't keep the karma gods

from coming after Turk and me.

Q-tip, Dr Murphy called.

They need you
to cover his call tonight.

Dude, Dr Wen's
doing a stomach stapling

and he wants you to be there
to hold back the guy's fat flap.

Apparently, my face
is scaring my patients,

so you're gonna take them off
my hands for about a week.

Turk, the Dairy Queen burned down.

- No.
- Now do you see?

I can't take it.
I cannot hide the crazy a minute longer.

The worst part is, Paul is this perfect
guy who wants to take things slow.

I'm this mountain of cuckoo
about to erupt

and spew molten crazy over him
and he's gonna die like this.

Calm down. Do what I used to do.

Find people who don't even know Paul,
and just let it out in little bursts.

Good afternoon, ladies.

When I was a kid,
I got a sunburn like that.

I just peeled all the skin off,
put it in a pile and ate it.

Good Lord.

For us, it was time
to face the karmic music.

- We hit your car with that golf ball.
- Well, technically, it was Dr Turk.

You liar. OK, it was you!

You know what, it really doesn't matter.

Why were you guys
hitting golf balls way downtown?

- Downtown?
- I told you it wasn't us.

This is almost exactly like
the kind of picnics

I had with my mother.

You're so cute.

And now it's exactly like 'em.
You got something in your tooth.

I can't believe
I have something on my teeth.

Get it off, get it off.

- Did I get it?
- No, but don't worry about it.

So, anyway, I was thinking... Elliot?

Elliot, is everything all right?

Everything's great, yeah!

Come here.

What?

It's just, well, this is what
bothered me the other night.

I know there's something wrong
but you won't talk about it.

I guess sometimes it feels like
you're holding back.

Of course I'm holding back!
I'm insane, you idiot.

Remember when you told me
I had pit stains?

I've cried every 15 minutes
on the half-hour since you told me.

I am racked with self-doubt,
I'm claustrophobic,

germophobic, phobia-phobic.
I talk to myself, I talk to my cat,

I talk to three separate shrinks
about the fact

that my cats respond to me
in my mother's voice,

and yesterday, when that stupid,
pretty surgical nurse

handed you latex gloves,
I almost killed a guy I was stitching up

because I couldn't stop thinking about
you having sex on a box of steaks.

Why a box of steaks? My dad
had an affair with a female butcher.

And, as I mentioned before, I am insane.
There, I opened up. Are you happy?

No.

I'm incredibly turned on.

I've gotta, uh,
get this right outta my teeth.

Excuse me.

- [crash]
- Ow! I'm OK.

I still believe in karma, and if I
wasn't being punished for Mr Golf Ball,

I think I knew where
my bad karma was coming from.

I don't know that many straight guys
that wear cologne.

- I'm down to one spritz.
- Hmm?

Look, Dr Cox asked me
to check in on you.

I'm sorry
I haven't been here until now.

- He asked you to check on me?
- Yep.

- So, how're you doing?
- Well, I've ruined everything.

All he tried to do was take care
of me and show me he loved me.

But, no, I had to drive him away
because I don't like being vulnerable

even when I'm normal,
let alone with my ankles in stirrups

and my cootchie on display.

So, now he's gone away for good

and I would like to get
this stupid thing out of me

so I can go home and kill myself.

Well, you sound good.

I was going to tell him
the truth eventually.

I just wanted to see
if he was going to be with me

because he wanted to,
not because he had to.

- Do you know what I mean?
- What are you talking about?

It's his baby, stupid.
Don't tell anyone.

All right, Kappa Gamma says
it's time to get this thing underway,

so I don't care if you want me here
or not, I'm staying.

- Whatever, all right.
- Good.

What were you talking about?

Apartheid.

- It's wrong.
- Oh...

Call me New Agey,
but I think karma's a powerful force.

I honestly don't know what put

the idea of golfing on the roof
in my head.

Dude, it is so nice out here.

Do you mind if I take it down
to the banana hammock?

Because I honestly believe

if you've got some bad karma
coming your way, well...

Hi, Dr Kelso.

You can't hide from it.

Karma's really just
doing the right thing.

So, anyway, Mr Simms,

I wanted to explain to you
why your chest was hurting.

During surgery, I...

Or about being who you really are.

Either way, it's a lot to think about.

Oh, my God, would you look
at the mug on Jordan's baby?

Must have one butt-ugly father.

Yeah.

Damn you, karma.