Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 19 - My Kingdom - full transcript

One thing that never changes here
is the stupid idea

that surgeons are cool
and medical residents are geeks.

Oh, Rudy.

- Lose the grapefruit goggles.
- It squirts in my eyes.

That's a risk you take
with that particular piece of fruit.

You guys, come on,
what do you say we dial down

the whole power-nerd thing
a little bit, OK?

Are you starting
your surgical elective tomorrow?

Is that tomorrow? Whatever.
I don't really give a crap.

Take a picture! Take a picture!
And you better smile this time.

You guys look so cute.



Carla, do you think
you could cut these for me?

I've been working out so much,
these things are choking off my pythons.

- You know?
- Yeah, I wouldn't do that.

At the end of the week, you gotta return
these bad boys to Janine.

Janine's built like a bear.
She curled me once.

Entering the hospital as a surgeon
has a whole different feel to it.

Dude.

You OK? You're acting weirder than the
time we saw Pat Benatar at Starbucks.

How amazing was that morning?

Listen, do me a favour.

Don't try to overdo it
with these guys, all right?

Just be you. OK? Be yourself.

You know how I do. What's up, fellas?

I know, I'm usually medical.



I just want you guys to know
I consider you all my peepies.

They know you mean peeps.
Just change the subject.

- Somebody's been working out.
- What?

Help me.

- Dr Cox.
- Work. I hate you. You suck.

I've been trying harder lately.

Barbie, talking to the computer,
but nice self-esteem.

Hey, cowboy.

How about you back off the little lady
and we'll all agree you're scary.

Listen there, I know
that your pink scrubs are balled up

at the base of Barbie's bed three nights
a week, and congrats on that,

but if you're going to have a showdown
with everyone who hassles her,

then, gosh,
you two aren't gonna have any time

for that sweet Aryan sex
that you love so much.

- Hit the bricks, toe-heads.
- Come on, let's go.

Why have we never fixed
or replaced this monstrosity?

You know the deal.

If it barely works,
it won't get replaced.

I guess that explains why your ass
is still on the payroll, huh?

Somebody stop me!

- Morning, sport.
- Morning, captain.

Am I the first they've done this to?

No, man.
They did this to Frank Fracherman.

- Who's Frank Fracherman?
- You're the first one.

- Help me.
- Yeah.

All right, don't sweat it, OK?
Stay on your toes.

Sorry, girls, dropped my computer.

Remember, when surgical residents
sense insecurity, they attack.

- I'll watch out for that.
- Dude, your face, your face.

- Man!
- Yeah, let's lose the tail too.

How'd they get that on there, dawg?

Buddy, I've got your back.
But lay low for awhile.

- No problem.
- All right, people.

How long till we get this thing started?

Probably not for a few minutes.

Should I file my Bell Biv DeVoe CD

under B for Bell Biv
or under D for DeVoe?

I don't know why you let Dr Cox
push you around like that.

Do you notice that you're
always telling me what to do?

I mean, in a good way.

Then how come I'm growing
my bangs out and wearing a thong?

You look better without the bangs.

And the thong, well, that's not
up to me, that's the law, Missy.

Not now. You know I don't like kissing
while I'm alphabetizing.

Just so you know, I'm not folding
my clothes before we do it tonight.

Yes, you are.

Hey, Elliot, I just want to tell you

that the last few weeks
have been really amazing.

Thanks.

I love U2.

What did you just say?

I said, I love U2.

Dr Kelso, I was able to locate
the discharge form you wanted.

She's a beauty, isn't she, Ted?
My pride and joy.

I just had her varnished,
so don't touch.

Here, hand it over.

- Ted, you're a simpleton.
- That's funny.

Cos I thought
I was rubber and you were glue.

Idiot.

- Principal Bob, you called?
- Can you explain this?

It appears to be a wiring problem.

Either way, second floor
desperately needs a new computer.

Jackass.

I was talking about him, you buffoon.

Removing the old heart.

- All right, JD, get in there.
- Turk's always looking out for me.

I told you I'd hook you up.

Oh, my God.

Here it's my first day in surgery
and I'm holding a human heart.

We were done with that one,
right, guys?

- What you got there?
- Circular saw. Just bought it.

Four horsepower, 3,500 rpms,
titanium finger guard.

Why would you need a saw?

- Why would a hen need a banjo?
- Why does a hen need a banjo?

Why buy a saw
if I had no stuff to cut?

- You wouldn't. That'd be crazy.
- Exactly.

You need some help with that?

No, thank you, I'm fine.

Dammit.

No, that'd be crazy.

I was talking about U2 the band.
You know what? It's fine.

He probably thinks I was saying it
the way you would say "I love eggs."

I'm sure there is not
going to be a problem.

We have a telegram
from Nurse Paul Flowers.

That name is funny.

This is my band.

Oh, my God, Ted,
everybody knows. TV themes.

That's old news, doll face,
we do commercial jingles now.

The best part of waking up
Is Elliot in your cup

In your cup...

That's it?

By Mennen

It felt weird
not going to my normal table.

Especially on
Palm Pilot Synchronization Day.

And... now.

But I was in surgery now.

Still, even though Turk
was trying to help,

I felt like such an outsider.

I can't believe my girlfriend's
dragging me to the ballet.

Your girlfriend?
Or your boyfriend?

What's up?

Turk did ballet.

I just used it to help with my agility
for sports, that's all.

You know.

I never wore the clothes
or anything like that.

Actually...

Dude, close the door, close the door!

I'll get you.

Who wants some more?
You got... OK. Here's some.

I have no words.

How about handsome? Or glorious?

And this abomination is the reason
we can't afford a new computer?

Well, that...

and the medical boondoggle
I have to go to in Cleveland.

And by medical boondoggle,
I mean golf weekend,

and by Cleveland, I mean Hawaii.

Do you have any idea what people
around here think of you?

I go to bed some nights wondering.

And you know
what happens to me, Perry?

I fall asleep.
And I mean like a log, brother.

Anyway, I have to go catch my bus
to the airport.

And by bus, I mean helicopter.

I'll be right back.
Mr Dunaway somehow managed

to wet both his and Mr Spiller's bed.

You're slouching.

You never explained
that U2 thing, did you?

I've been thinking.
Maybe it's not such a bad thing.

Things are going well.
Maybe it was fate.

I could have looked at my Bell Biv DeVoe
CD and said, "I love Bell Biv DeVoe."

Which I do, by the way.
And I'm not ashamed of it.

I think that if you guys
are meant to get to this point,

it'll happen naturally.

You're right.
"I love U2." Dammit.

Why do I say every thing
that comes into my head?

I wish you wouldn't stand close to me
after your hummus break.

See? I didn't need to say that.

I'm gonna tell him.

- Love you.
- Love you more.

You know what?
Brush your teeth, then judge me.

I gotta say,
it was nice to feel accepted.

Remind me to burn that CD for you.
All right, player.

Weight room later?
I might be able to get you two tickets.

- To what?
- To the gun show, dawg.

Sometimes you can't help
but get caught up in the moment.

When that happens, you never know
what you're going to do.

What's that all about?

I'm afraid Dr Kelso has passed away.

Or what you're gonna say to someone.

I can't wait for my parents to meet you.

Me neither.

But if things are going well,
you should just ride the wave.

Hey, T-Dog,
who are we slicing and dicing today?

Well, J-Dog, I don't know
who you're slicing and dicing.

I assigned you to another surgeon.

What? Why?

You deserve Ted's band today

So get up and get away...

Ted, you guys suck.

So what if Turk switched me
to another surgeon?

I can't worry about that now.
I'm here to learn.

Are you even paying attention?

I'm sorry.
Is it time to excise the tumour?

No, it is time to realise
that we're operating on a naked chick.

We will high-five later.

And then I realised
why Turk was so pissed.

He was the geek now.

You're gonna get
in so much trouble for this.

It's a joke.

No one's going to believe
Kelso actually died.

I don't know
if I should be alone tonight.

He's with Jesus now.

Tough break, big guy.

Turk, Turk. Wait, wait, wait.

Look, I can totally get you back in
with all the surgery boys.

Can you? Really? Totally?

I'll just talk to them.
Schmitty, Schultzy,

Trigger, Fig Sack, Small Pete,
Little Pete, Tiny Pete,

The Jackal, Aardvark and Steve.

Dude, who the hell
are you talking about?

We all went out last night. I made up
some new nicknames for all the fellas.

By the way, you're Slappy Bag.

You've lost it.

- Come on, Slappy Bag.
- Don't call me Slappy Bag.

- I told you you had nothing to saw.
- Really?

Man, give it back.

All right. Just tell me
why you're hitting yourself.

Why are you doing that?

Ever feel like
we're thinking the same thing?

No.

Hey, slow down on that Brie.
You know what cheese does to you.

Yet another good tip.

You know, I've been thinking
a lot about us lately.

- Me too.
- God, you drive me crazy.

You drive me crazy.

I just lay awake
at night thinking about

how unbelievably lucky
I am to have you in my life.

Sometimes you're so controlling,
it makes me want to strangle you.

My nose!

Elliot,
are you trying to break up with me?

Sorry, cheese.

Coming through.

Holy cow. You just
clean out a guy's office

the second he goes deady-bye?

- We can come back later.
- No.

The quicker these memories
are removed,

the sooner all of us
can get on with our lives.

There's no way this desk
is fitting through that door.

- I got it.
- Who are you?

Just a man with a saw.

Ten. Careful with that.

- I think I can manage.
- That's a great set, Arnold.

You got string
hanging from your sleeve there.

I'm sorry, that's your arm.

Sorry I told the surgeons
about your ballet.

I don't give a crap
what these clowns think.

Todd camped out in a wizard outfit
to see the last Harry Potter movie.

You swore you wouldn't tell.
We even high-fived on it.

Todd, we high-five on everything.

That's such a lame excuse.
I'm totally pissed at you.

High five.

You were so desperate for the approval
of all these stupid surgeons

you sold me down the river, huh?

Oh, yeah?
Not all surgeons are stupid. OK?

Fig Sack here went to Dartmouth.

Wait, you're Aardvark.

Schmitty?

Hey, Bobcat. Welcome back.

Look it, this whole thing
was a joke that, admittedly,

got a little out of hand.

In the meantime, this blank cheque
ought to cover the damage.

A joke?

Think it's funny they already
gave away my parking spot?

Or that one of the surgeons
paid his dwarf cousin, Lance,

$200 to show up at rounds
and sing Ding-Dong, Kelso's Dead?

- And there it is.
- There what is?

This whole l-don't-care-what-
people-think-about-me act.

It's pretty convincing.

But methinks there's
a sad little cartoon boy

living inside the hairy beast.

He's sad because, at the end of the day,
he realises the only thing people think

is what an evil son-of-a-bitch
he really is.

See you later, Bobigator.

If this cheque bounces,
I'm coming for you.

How you doing, Ted?

OK, here's what you do.

Say that even though
our relationship is ending,

you don't have any regrets.

My God, are you actually telling me
how to break up with you?

You're right. Go ahead.

If you could just start me off,
that'd be super.

Just tell me
we had a lot of fun together.

We did.

- Mostly you were really happy.
- I was.

Say that you wished
you were mature enough

to talk to me
about what was bothering you,

because even though
I can be controlling sometimes,

I really would have worked on it
for someone as special as you.

You know what's funny?
When I said I love you,

it was an accident
and I never really loved you at all.

That is an absolute riot.

No, I just mean that I wonder
how things would've gone

if that had never happened.

Me, too.

Hi, can I buy you a drink?

No, I'm good. Thank you.

You see that, that right there?
That has never happened to me.

A hot girl has never asked
to buy me a drink.

Appletini, please. Easy on the tini.

- No problem, lady.
- Man...

Ever since college you always
make everything seem so easy.

No matter where you are,
you always fit in.

I don't know, I thought
with this surgery elective,

it might be nice not to feel
like a total dork.

JD, Look at me.

- You are a dork.
- Not all the time.

Every second
since the moment I met you.

Hey, I'm JD. I am so stoked
to be your roommate.

Right on.

What are you talking about?
You said hoops were cool.

Hey, baby. Champag-nee?

Med-school chicks love ventriloquists.

He's right, they do.

Tannest intern, baby.
And it comes in a bottle.

Appletini, please. Easy on the tini.

The thing I always liked about you
was that you were yourself,

never cared about
what people thought.

And that's why you hung out with me?

No, you had a car. Still do.

Come on, player,
you know I'm way more stud than dud.

Wow, you can really taste the apples.

I think everyone would like to believe

it's possible to become
someone different.

To change how people see us.

I told you he'd buckle.
How's that new computer? Good?

We wouldn't know.
This one's from like, 1970.

What did he do with the new one?

But sometimes change
doesn't last for long.

By golly, you're so pretty,
I may not even use you.

And other times it just makes
you miss what you had.

A little.

As for me,
I'm happy just knowing who I am.

Hey, JD, do you have any nasal spray?

No problem, Dougster.

For I am John Dorian.

King of the Nerds.

Hey, JD, you OK?

I'm fine.
Don't bogart my nasal spray.