Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 6 - My Bad - full transcript

- Say ''ah''.
- Ah.

- OK, say ''oh''.
- Oh.

Everybody say ''Ah, oh, ah!''

Excuse me.

As legal counsellor,
it's my job to inform you

that your suspension
is effective immediately.

Just the messenger.

Your long-term job status will
be decided at the board meeting.

Until then, and l cannot bend on this,

l don't want you
setting foot on the premises.

- l'm going to be here all day.
- Works for me. That'd be good.



l hope that works out.

Dr Cox, if you need to talk...

It was weird knowing my mentor
could be fired tomorrow.

But there's no reason
to feel any less confident.

I'll be fine without a safety net.

What do you think, Dr Dorian?
Bypass or stent?

Bypass!

Or stent.

There's a lot of horrible things
about being an intern.

Long hours, constant stress,
having to deal with death.

But worst is the simple fact
that the average intern

has to disimpact 1 5 to 20 bowels a week.

There's an oath among interns
never to make fun of each other

for doing the things we have to do.



You have to touch someone's hiney.

Dorian, come with me. And Dr...

- Reid.
- Sure. Why not?

Take over for him.

l'm assigning you to a board member

whose family built this hospital
with their bare hands.

That can't be true.

- Look for hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
- What happened?

- Pre-syncope.
- So, this board member almost fainted?

- l'll fire up the paddles.
- Dr Weisenheimer's back.

- How was your ski trip?
- l'm confused.

- You annoy me.
- Now l get it.

But you have a charm
everyone else here seems to respond to.

Use it. OK, sport?

Great, an 80-year-old,
grouchy, pretentious...

...smokin'-hot bitty.

Who do you love the most?

Sweetheart, are you getting younger?

This is Dr Dorian.

- He'll be looking after you.
- And who will be looking after him?

Since your jaw is wired shut,
we'll give you lV nutrition, OK?

Sorry. lt's like the dentist.

They ask you questions and
you have that stuff in your mouth.

l did it again. Dr Greenberg.

What kind of doctor are you?

l keep doing it. Just act it out.

Head?

Shrinking. A shrink!

l can't imagine picking
psychiatry as a specialty

after interning as a real doctor.

That didn't come out right.
My dad. He's a doctor too.

He says therapy is for people
with more money than problems.

But then... my dad says a lot of things.

- Did anyone page a nurse?
- No.

- lt looks like his eyes are screaming.
- Please, we're talking.

Where was l?

- You should get dressed.
- l can't. lt's still out there.

Don't call my mother ''it''. lt implies
you think that she's a monster.

Get a move on,
it gets up to feed about now.

l don't understand
why we couldn't stay at my place.

l could've done the whole show.

- There's a show?
- Yeah, there's a show.

lt involves music, some dancing,
occasionally singing.

- Can you do Me And Mrs Jones?
- l don't know, what's she look like?

You wanted to spend the whole night
together. l can't leave my mother alone.

She's frail.

Tell her to put the cane down!

- Tell her to put the cane down!
- lt's because l'm unmarried.

She doesn't have to know we had sex.

- She speaks English.
- Then why translate?

You don't speak Spanish!

No! No!

Tell her to put the cane down.

l have to be honest,
when Dr Kelso said

board member, l was thinking
this like old, grumpy...

That would be my father. He died.

- l'm so sorry.
- 20 years ago.

l would have said sorry then
but l had trouble with my Ss.

l was five. Ss.
So... how are you feeling?

Great, that's why l'm here. Listen, RJ.

- JD.
- Like it matters.

You seem like a nice, spineless, boy,
so let's be honest.

l'm here because it was the only way to
end my mother's nagging pseudo-concern.

- That's sweet.
- So, do your little tests.

But first, close the blinds,

wash off your 8th-grade-dance cologne
so we don't add nausea to my symptoms.

l'll need lemon wedges for my sparkling
water, which you've yet to get.

- Let me just...
- Doing things l want first.

- Your little tests later.
- Nice to meet you.

I hate you.

Merry Christmas!
l mean, happy Halloween!

l am so frazzled.
l did not sleep at all.

ln fact, l haven't really slept
since l started here.

lt's so much pressure. l can't talk
to anyone here. lt's so competitive.

l used to be able to talk to
my mom, but now, l don't know,

she listens, but she just never
seems to hear me, you know?

Lonely, depressed, overwhelmed.

And sometimes l have no idea
how l'll make it through this.

No. l don't even like to take aspirin.

l'd rather just...

Oh, you!

Dr Cox. l've been
thinking about your predicament

and l think l have a solution:
cruise ships.

- Right.
- Everyone'll call you Doc.

You'll visit exotic ports.
Maybe you'll even get to meet Charo.

Enjoy this while you can, Bobby.

lf your evil genie
does grant your wish,

and l disappear,
the only person you'll have left

to contend with will be yourself.

And when you really
get to know that person,

dear God, you'll scream so loud,

Satan will want to rip up the contract
you signed so he can get some sleep.

Look at you with your stiff upper lip.

l think l'm gonna miss that the most.

What are you looking at?

l just... l like your shirt.

- What kind of shirt is that?
- A white T-shirt.

l knew it.

l will never sleep
at your place again.

lt wasn't that bad.

l am in such a good mood.

Does she invite the priest over
every day?

Only when she finds me in bed
with some guy. So most days.

That's not funny.
That's not funny.

l'm just in a much better place.
Do l look different?

What kind of a shirt is that?
l am such an idiot.

l'm in a better place.

What do you say, my apartment, tonight?

l'll think about it.

Why doesn't anyone listen to me?

ln a better place,
look different, feel good.

That's what happens
when you see a shrink.

My patient is a therapist.
l'm not seeing a shrink.

Stop spreading around
embarrassing rumours.

l'm just goofing around. The last thing
l want to do is upset a crazy lady.

- T-shirt.
- ls anybody up there?

Up there... up there... up there...

l'm all alone down here...
here... here...

lt's cold.

l'm frightened.

Just keep moving. Refocus.

Think about helping Dr Cox.

Ms Sullivan? Sorry. l didn't
realise you're in the bathroom.

lt's OK, come on in.

Come in the room, not in here.
What's the matter with you?

Are you even a real doctor?

l know that you're on the board, and l
have this friend. Well, he's a mentor...

- Losing interest!
- Sorry.

Why are you dressed?

l'm going to a party.
l assume my tests are normal.

But l sure hope we can go down
to the river some time and race frogs.

That's it.

Listen, you spoiled,
bossy chore of a woman.

- What'd you say?
- You're in now, go for it.

l'm the doctor here.
So put your gown back on,

get back in bed and shut the hell up!

- No one talks to me that way.
- Get used to it, missy.

l didn't mean to be
such a hard ass, just now.

You can wait until l'm gone
to put your gown back on.

- Take off your pants.
- Yes, ma'am.

l know it's tough
leaving your mother at home.

- l'm really glad you're here.
- You are?

Yes, l am.

And l promise l'm going
to make it worth your while.

We've already slept together.

You should be careful
about the build-up.

- ls that necessary?
- Yeah.

l got something for you.

You want to hear it?

Did you learn that for me?

More.

The start of a relationship
is about three things.

Control.

Oh, God!

Dependence.

He was released
a couple of hours ago.

And timing.

Your mother broke her leg.

Other than that,
there aren't a lot of surprises.

Dr Cox have you met...?

You don't have
to introduce me to my ex-wife.

Surprise!

You putz.

- Oh, no.
- Hello, Jordan.

- Oh, no, no.
- Perry.

- Perry?
- You never heard that.

And I don't have your ex-wife's
bite mark on my neck.

Don't look her in the eyes.
She'll steal your soul.

How are things down in the underworld?

Good. And you?
Still have a rollicking social life?

Since l cut you loose
it's been one big party.

Name some place, other than the
hospital, you've been in the last month.

Five, four, three, two...

My car!

On the way to the... big party.

That must have hurt.

I gotta get out of here.

Anger like this has a way of being
passed on to whoever's closest.

Dr Cox, l know you're suspended but
you're the only one my mother trusts.

Not now!

This is all your fault.

- Turk, can l talk...?
- No. You can't.

That's why they're called
your problems.

Sorry.

Happy Halloween.

That'll teach you not to spy on
people during their alone time.

When dealing with a crisis, everyone
knows you go right to the source.

God, the source is pretty.

Ms Sullivan?

Excuse me?

l think we're way past Ms Sullivan.

OK, Jordan...

l don't think
we should see each other again.

The story of my life. Any time l let
my guard down just a little, l get hurt.

l am so sorry.

You know how long it's been
since l connected with someone?

lt's not fair that because of him,
l don't get to spend time...

lt's hard to keep that going.

See you, DJ, l got a date.
''See each other again!''

She's gonna be OK.

l don't know, Mom,
l'm just feeling lost.

Everyone here is so busy,
and l guess l'm just kind of lonely.

Could you just try to hear
what l'm saying? Just this once?

No, l don't have short hair.

Yes, l know short hair
gives me pig-face.

Yeah.

- Dr Cox!
- OK, Linus.

You're too excited. Get your blankie,
go in a corner, and take a time-out.

Non-displaced femoral fracture,
Carla's mom's gonna be fine.

- OK, what?
- Your ex-wife.

- She's the answer.
- Things That Ruined My Life?

Things With Sharp Edges?

She's on the board.
l'm sure she's a reasonable person.

Not that l know her
or have been alone with her.

- But if you just...
- No.

- Ask.
- l'm going to go and do this

as slowly as possible
so you don't misunderstand.

No...

I wonder if he wants me to ask her.

Fine, l'll ask her.

That's a no.

- lt's always funny.
- Can't believe she's sleeping.

She's had two Valium.

- Why, was she in a lot of pain?
- No, she just wouldn't shut up.

l'm sorry.

l notice your little boyfriend's
name's not on the cast.

Making me leave her alone like that?

She would have gotten hurt,
whether you were there or not.

She fell in the shower.

So unless you have an extremely
disturbing relationship,

- l'm afraid you're full of crap.
- l'm full of crap?

lf you don't care about being
suspended, why are you here?

You don't scare me
with those crazy eyes.

She's an excuse to not take chances.

- You're only happy when you're here.
- You're afraid to live your own life.

Admit that losing this place
would kill you.

- We done?
- That's all l got.

Crazy eyes?

Low blow.

There are other ways
to save Dr Cox's job.

I could try talking to Dr Kelso.

Cox could get plastic surgery
to look like Jimmie Walker.

This guy's gonna need 30mEqs of KCL.

Or I could just ask Jimmie Walker
to talk to Dr Kelso.

Your man Cox is the best. l know he's
got an unorthodox way of doing things,

but all the innovators do.

Now, everybody deserves
a second chance.

Am l right?

Who are you?

Or I could get back
to the problem at hand.

l know you're on your way
to the board meeting

and l know
you don't really like me, but...

l don't dislike you. l nothing you.

Thanks, that's special.
l have to ask you a favour.

But this is not why we slept together.

You had nothing to do
with why we slept together.

l think we both know
that's not completely true.

Even though you're terrified
Dr Cox will find out,

if l wanted you to have sex with me
in front of him, you would.

Please don't do that.

You remind me of him
when he was younger.

Then see if you can dig up sympathy

for someone who means a whole lot to me,
and probably means a little to you, too.

- So will you help him?
- Ah, sweetie...

No.

- l went to therapy once.
- You did?

Yeah. Once though,
like, back in '93 to '94.

Then a few months in '95.

And then l went to group,
which was a disaster.

When l went to college it was
my first time away from home.

Things started piling up
and l felt l was sinking.

- Yeah.
- And no matter how embarrassing

you think it might be, it's always
helpful to talk to someone neutral.

For example, take a look at me.
l am now, thanks to therapy,

in a healthy relationship
with a beautiful woman,

who won't sleep over because
she thinks l broke her mother's leg.

Baby!

How long were you back there?
For a second, huh?

- l wasn't talking about us...
- Turk.

Mom's spending the night here,
so l will spend the night with you,

only we have to leave right now.

Go.

Sometimes no matter how badly
you want to stop something,

there's nothing you can do to stop it.

The board of directors
of Sacred Heart

is behind that door sipping water
and killing the career of Dr Cox.

Yes. l am bullet-proof.

- He's taking it well.
- So, no hard feelings?

- Careful.
- Catch you on the flip side.

l really think
you're making a big mistake.

- The most destructive thing about Dr...
- Yawn!

l say yawn because when l actually yawn,
you don't get it.

See you in hell.

I don't know why she did it,
maybe I got to her.

Maybe she knows how much
the hospital needs him.

Maybe she remembers why
she cared about him in the first place.

l did it cos the thought of you
rotting here in this fluorescent tomb

is more fun than tipping a valet
with your alimony cheque.

Listen, pumpkin, if you're having
this much trouble getting over me,

just go ahead and give me a call,

and l'll toss you
a sympathy throw-down any time.

It made me realise
every ending leads to new complications.

New problems to be dealt with.

l'm watching that.

- New issues.
- Thanks, Dr Greenberg.

See you next week.

- She was never boring.
- What happened?

You marry somebody like your mother
then remember you hate your mother.

You asked her for help, didn't you?

You don't realise how important
you are around here.

I'll always remember that as
the first thank-you I got from Dr Cox.

Jeez, Agnes. Does the field-hockey team
know that you're missing?

It felt good.

Although it did take
some stones to be honest.

Stick with the truth and you can't
get hurt. Always been my philosophy.

- You didn't sleep with her, did you?
- God, no.

Philosophy is tricky.