Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 5 - My Two Dads - full transcript

How's he doing?

He has neutropenic fever.
His white blood cell count's stabilised.

He's not getting any worse.

- How you feeling, Jared?
- OK, I guess.

I heard your dad arranged
for a visit from The Rock?

I'm 13, I must love wrestling, right?

Come on, The Rock's a movie star.

What could a guy
possibly wanna see more?

Guys, we need an answer.

Name one thing guys wanna see
more than anything in the world?

Louie, we're gonna go with boobs.



Show me boobs.

There they are.

Good job!

I wanna see 'em on a real girl.
A cute girl.

You're cute.

The janitor.
This guy is always bothering me.

Don't look at him,
don't talk to him, don't...

What's your point?
Ammonia too strong?

- No, I have a...
- That's one.

Keep pushin'.

Hey, sport. Got your page.

This better be good.
Paging the Chief of Medicine.

Dr Steadman. Resident
and first-class teacher's pet.

Sir, I was going over
Mr Martinez's chart,



and it seems the TIPS procedure
he's scheduled for is unnecessary.

Why unnecessary?

He's dead.

Excellent catch, Dr...

Dr...

Dorian! You see me every day.

- Say my name. Say it!
- Martinez.

That was the name
of the patient, sir.

- Avery.
- That's the clipboard manufacturer.

- Fine work, doctor. Fine work.
- I hear that.

Ammonia's a little strong today.

That's two.

Steady, boy.

Now, Rowdy.

- When you're not here, he does it.
- I'm sure. He's shy.

I think you should go ahead
and do it.

- I am not flashing my breasts.
- It's easy.

- You just go like this.
- That's hot.

I went by paediatrics.

- They thought it was funny.
- I'm borrowing a sweatshirt.

What did we agree you would do
whenever I left a room?

- I'm sorry, baby.
- That's better.

My man Turk is getting it daily,
nightly and ever-so-rightly.

What up, dawg!

Once every 4.2 seconds,
a man says something stupid

that a woman hears and punishes him for.
This wasn't one of those times.

What did you just say?

What up, dawg?

Why would you think we'd slept together?

Because I'm a nurse?
Because I'm Latina?

Because you guys
have been dating for a while.

Do Latina women put out more?
That's not something I've heard.

- Turk told me.
- No! I didn't! He assumed.

And did you correct him?

I've been really busy
at the hospital lately.

Is that how you see this relationship?
As some mad dash to the finish line?

I'll take you into that bedroom now

and you will be walking sideways
for the rest of your life,

because I will have used all your up
and down. Now, is that what you want?

- No.
- Good.

Because what I want is for this
to be a real relationship.

I want us to know each other
better than we know ourselves.

- Wow.
- That's right, ''wow''.

So if you really want me ''daily and
nightly and ever-so-rightly'',...

That sounds like
something you'd say.

...show me you know me.

I think you should
let the kid meet the ladies.

You're the one who told
Kelso that Mr Martinez was dead?

- That's terrific work.
- Looks like word gets around.

What in the name of Are You There, God?
It's Me, Margaret were you thinking?

I'm certain invasive vascular procedures
have a low success rate on dead people.

That TIPS procedure
was for Mrs Blitt down in 103.

You see, she doesn't have insurance.

But Mr Martinez had great insurance.

Should I talk slower or get a nurse
who speaks fluent Moron?

- You don't have to be mean about it.
- What do you want from me?

I don't know if they taught you this
in the land of puppy-dog tails

where you obviously, if not grew up,
then spent most of your summers,

but you're in the real world now.

- Don't say it.
- I still think I was right.

Once every 6.3 seconds,
a man says something stupid

that another man hears and punishes
him for. Luckily, this wasn't...

- That's it!
- Oh, no.

Do you know what this is?
This is me washing my hands of you.

I will not be in the same room
with you again, starting...

now.

Tissue?

It's a challenge...

Little bit of flow, like...

''Fighting Joe'' Hooker...

I don't need Dr Cox. Big jerk.

I hate him.

Hey, sport.
Or should I say howdy, Mr Pouty?

It's been a rough day.

So I hear. Well, anyway,
I'm very proud of you, Dr...

Just look at my badge.

Dr Turk.

This is my roommate's badge.
We must have switched...

That's a great anecdote. You should
write that down in your journal.

Then your kids can read about it
when you're dead.

- They're waiting for us...
- In a moment.

If you go easy on the stories, I'd love
you to join me for golf tomorrow.

- That'd be terrific, sir.
- Super.

You wanna show a woman you know her,
buy her a little something.

None of my patients are improving.

- I'm gonna buy her flowers.
- Yeah!

Please, been done to death.

I don't get it.
I do everything by the book.

Maybe that's the problem.
You approach things too clinically.

How about chocolates?

With rich clich? centres?

Have you ever treated your patients

with something other
than traditional medicine?

I'm gonna buy her a really nice pen.

No, she loves to write.
She handwrites all of her letters

because she says e-mail's
too impersonal. That's perfect.

- A pen is good.
- Yeah!

All I gotta do is find time to get
out of here and maybe I'll buy her one.

All I'm saying is there's more
to healing than what's in the books.

I talk to my patients. I sing
to them, ask what their hobbies are,

and tell them ghost stories
about an old sea captain.

Thought you'd be interested
in that kid Jared's chart.

Look at that white blood cell count.

And all it took
was a visit from The Rock.

The Rock was here
and nobody told me?

- The Rock couldn't make it.
- Well, somebody did something.

It felt weird knowing Dr Cox and I would
never be working in the same room again.

Check her LFTs and coags.

Every time I think something,
the opposite happens.

I'm not having sex this weekend.

You're cute.

Who's the present from?

- My boyfriend.
- When did he give it to you?

He's pretending yesterday didn't happen.
If he thinks I'll forgive him...

The reason I was
bent out of shape yesterday...

- I accept!
- Don't interrupt me. Come here.

Pull that curtain.

Mrs Blitt over there needs
the TIPS procedure, no insurance.

She can now look forward
to a lifetime

of encephalopathy and jaundice
thanks to Bottom-Line Bob.

- Is he really that bad?
- I hate Robert Kelso.

I hate his family, friends, the guy
that cleans his racist lawn jockey.

I hate anybody who even associates
with him. Is that clear?

Totally.

Call me.

Elliot, check out these ass slides.

How's that stuff even get up there?

I fell on it.

I fell on it.

I fell on it.

I was bored.

The doctors in the ER have a box
where they keep all this junk.

- Next to the Lost and Found Box?
- There's no Lost and Found Box.

There's an Ass Box.

- That's not Carla's pen?
- I had no time to shop!

Beautiful day for golf, sports?

Yes, sir, Dr Kelso.

I don't know what you're trying to pull,
but I am not a guy you wanna mess with.

Steadman, I need a tee.

A tee, or some tea, sir?
Because I've brought both.

It's just a friendly game of golf
with a couple of guys from work.

Excellent, our fourth has arrived.

What's up, Newbie?

He's got nothing to say.
After all, he's here too.

- I thought you hated Kelso.
- I do.

And watching his face
as I kick his worthless butt

up and down this golf course every week,
is basically...

It's the most fun I can have
without having to cuddle afterwards.

Good night, Irene!
Fantastic golf shot, sir.

Real nice length.
Now, does your husband happen to play?

But, no,
I'm not a hypocrite for being here.

What's your pathetic excuse,
you whiny little suck-up?

Ignore him.
Just let your game do all the talking.

That'll play.

Don't open it!
Please, don't open it!

Since we've been chatting, maybe you
could raise your heart rate for me?

What am I doing? This is stupid.

Don't make her open it.

Are you that busy?

You do know me.
Sweetie, I love this!

It's so, it's so cool. It's cool.

- I'm woozy.
- You're fine.

Today's the day I finally beat
his uppity, insubordinate...

Great shot, doctor!

You see, I always say
keep your friends close

and your enemies closer.

Can you believe him?
You're away and yet he hit first.

- It's a technicality.
- But there's the rub.

The rules are there for a reason.

If you break one,
why not break them all?

Before medicine ever became a business,

the only rule
was to do your best to help the patient.

Like it or not,
medicine is a business.

If the hospital shuts down,
then who are we helping then?

So, only people with money
deserve medical treatment?

Dammit!

It's about what's best for the hospital.

It's about what's best for the patient.

The only reason I go back
to that hospital day after day

is because I care
about those patients.

Every one of 'em.

You've got a lot of potential, sport.

You stick with me

and you're going to be climbing
the ladder very quickly.

Isn't that what you want?

You have to sink this
for the win, Cox.

Newbie, I almost forgot.

I'm gonna get Mrs Blitt
her TIPS procedure tomorrow,

with or without insurance,
and I want you to help me.

Now tell me, do you have the stones
to sink a putt when you have to?

See you next Wednesday.

I love this game.

I can't decide if I should help Cox.

At least you didn't give your girlfriend
a gift that used to be inside someone.

That's true.

I have magic breasts.

How many has she had?

Almost one.

You know what,
Cox doesn't need your help

taking her down
for a TIPS procedure.

He shouldn't even be
putting you in that situation.

- You're right.
- Hell, yeah, I'm right!

Screw Cox.

- Not afraid of him, are you?
- Hell, no!

Maybe a little.

- That's four.
- That's three.

That's five.

All righty, we're through here.

- Somebody call it.
- Wait.

Right. Time of death, 6.20.

Hey. There's my buppy.

Did you just say ''buppy''?

Cos that's not gonna work for me.

Carla, we gotta talk.

We can talk later.

Later's good.

Let's just worry about
getting you better. OK, gorgeous?

I decided Cox was wrong.

There's room to play by the rules
and care about the patients.

Do a wallet biopsy on her, and
if the insurance doesn't check out,

I want her in the nursing home before
she can gum down a single fruit cup.

That was when I realised
how Dr Kelso truly saw these people.

Could I have a price check
on a 74-year-old female

with prerenal azotemia?

Bag her.

Come on,
I wanna show you something.

Wait. It's about the pen.

I thought a really nice one
would be a great gift,

and I see a great one...
in the Lost and Found Box.

There is no Lost and Found Box.
There's an Ass Box...

Yeah, there is.

And you were this close
to getting everything you wanted.

I assume this is what you wanted.

Yes.

And yet you tell me
that your thoughtful token of love

wasn't a token of love at all.
It was an ass pen.

You come home and tell me this
because being open and honest

is more important to you
than having sex with me?

Are you coming or what?

Hell, yeah.

Stay, Rowdy, stay.

It took me three hours to realise...

- Excuse me, miss.
- Can I help you?

I'm afraid I have an awful case
of the gotta-see-'ems.

That's not even a real disease.

At what point
did I become a crazy person?

Come on.
Yes, exposing yourself to a dead guy

might have been a tad unorthodox,

and it might be hard to live down.

- I'm waiting for the ''but''.
- So's everyone else.

That's not funny.

- Thanks. Glad I shared.
- Come on.

When I look at you, I look at a doctor

who will do whatever it takes
to help a patient.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

And on that note...

If you still want my help,
I'm on board.

It's way too big of a risk for a peon.

I just wanted to see
what team you were playing for.

- So it was all a test.
- Besides,

- I already did it.
- Cox!

Run, Junior. Daddy's home.

Did you think
I wouldn't find out what you did?

- What did I do?
- You insolent...

I'm insolent?

I know it sounds melodramatic,
but as I watched the two of them,

they weren't battling for patients
or insurance, but for my soul.

- She needed the TIPS...
- I've got you this time.

I can taste it!

It's an old story, really.
Good versus bad. Right versus wrong.

The dark side versus the light.

I've been waiting
for this moment all my life.

Easy, Chewie.

I'll teach you
to respect this institution.

I hope you learn from this.

No!

You're suspended.
Effective immediately.

Well, sport. It looks like
a permanent spot just opened up

on the golf course.

How does joining the Chief of Medicine
for a weekly round sound?

I'm not really that into golf.

I guess that's your choice,
isn't it, Dr Dorian?

I liked it better
when he didn't know my name.

That's one for me.

That's two.

I'm hurt.