Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 4 - My Old Lady - full transcript
The whole crew learn their share about death when JD takes care of an old woman ready to die, Elliot and Carla watch over a woman who can't speak English, and Turk becomes too close with a patient.
- Just let it go?
- No.
Why wouldn't
l wanna go to the symphony?
- l didn't mean anything by it.
- You meant something.
- We've got to do something.
- No, we really don't.
Carla's your girlfriend,
Elliot's my friend...
Trust me. Don't get involved.
She's from el barrio,
she must not like music.
- Classical music isn't for everyone.
- So, l didn't have a nanny...
You got something to say?
l think you're being condescending
and you're being overly sensitive.
Excuse me for a second,
just one second.
She's from el barrio,
she won't like music.
- Classical music isn't for everyone.
- So, l didn't have a nanny...
You got something to say?
Nope. Not this time.
l think you're being condescending
and you're being overly sensitive.
Dammit!
Here's something surprising.
On my first day,
my resident told me,
if you don't count the maternity ward,
which is mostly well, you know,
or the emergency room,
which is mostly broken bones,
stitches, that sort of thing,
he said that
one out of every three patients
that's admitted to this place
will die here.
Hi, l'm gonna be your doctor.
l'm the doctor.
l'm the doctor.
- What are you, 1 6?
- Unacceptable.
Did you have coupons for this hospital?
That's enough!
Sure, he's young but he's
probably a very good doctor.
- Are you a good doctor?
- Kinda too soon to tell.
Honesty, l like that.
You probably want
these people to wait outside.
That'd be nice.
Make 'em know
you're a man, not a boy.
Would you guys mind...
- l'm fine where l am, thank you.
- Make me.
Do it.
Everybody outta here, now!
- No need to wake up the dead.
- Jeez, snippy.
- Now!
- That was manly.
That's what l'm talking about.
- Want a hard candy?
- Yes, please.
l'd say this is a simple
laparoscopic hernia repair.
This is embarrassing, you guys
are wearing the same outfit.
Don't sweat it.
l'm not wearing pants.
Come on, that was funny.
Great. Moving on.
Where you going? ESPN Classic's
showing the '82 NFC championship.
We could have some nurses over.
l called down and requested
a Spanish-speaking nurse.
No English, huh?
l'm a chunky monkey
from funky town.
- l'll have trouble translating that.
- Oh, good. lt's you.
l admitted this
really neat old lady today.
Neat?
Dude, the 1 930s called
and they want their lingo back.
We had this connection, you know?
No, l don't know. Now please,
let me get my sweat on.
Surgeons generally don't like
to get too close to patients.
Maybe it makes it harder
to cut someone open, or too risky.
l feel like you're missing out.
This Mrs Tanner,
she's got this incredible
energy and warmth.
The League of Women Voters called
wanting to know
where to send your membership.
You use that
''somebody called'' joke a lot.
l can't help it.
l got a hernia patient to take care of.
- What's his name?
- His name's Hernia Patient.
But we've gotten close
so l call him Hernia.
He must feel so safe
and taken care of.
Shut up.
l paged Dr Cox and
he should be here any second.
What did she say?
She says it's amazing your fancy
school didn't teach you Spanish,
considering
a third of patients speak it.
Like every doctor here speaks Spanish!
What now, Dr Barbie?
Mrs Guerrero is a lupus patient
with shortage of breath
so l started her on a heparin drip.
- l wanted to run that by you.
- One.
Two.
- Three.
- So, shall l...
lt's really important
you let me get to ten.
- l just thought...
- Listen, cookie.
You've been here over a month.
This is Medicine 1 01 .
l don't want everything run by me.
l don't wanna give my two cents
but if you do want my opinion,
rest assured it will always be
that you're an incredible pain
and every time
l see your Kewpie-Doll face
it just makes me want
to pick you up and shake you
until all the hours
of my life that you've wasted
fall out.
- Now laugh.
- What?
Laugh so that she doesn't
think l'm yelling at you.
How fun was that?
Just initial.
Dr Kelso. l wonder if you could
give me your opinion on a patient?
She's a 7 4-year-old renal failure,
Mrs Tanner.
Of course.
One of our frequent flyers.
- She's a neat lady.
- That's what l said.
Nobody likes a brown nose, son.
Let me see that chart.
Why?
- You put her on diuretics?
- Yeah, l ordered them.
These labs don't look good.
lt's time she got started on dialysis.
You know what you should
do first, kiddo?
- What's that?
- Find her.
Freedom!
''Went to the park.'' She...
She went to the park.
lt's the Catch.
l say ''Catch,'' no response.
How can no one know what the Catch is?
Niners-Cowboys.
Joe Montana to Dwight Clark,
deep in the end zone,
zero time left.
Don't insult me.
lt's the fourth quarter.
Got a minute?
- Sure.
- Cool.
- David, right? l'm Turk.
- What's up?
- Want some lV?
- No, l'm good.
- Mrs Tanner.
- Here's the party.
l don't know about others,
but under my care, you stay in
hospital until l say it's OK to leave.
We saved you a plate.
l don't care about food right now.
Are those smores?
lt's Samantha's fifth birthday.
You're not gonna make me miss this?
Couldn't you have got her a big cake?
l'm gonna order an ABG
just to be safe.
- Don't you think?
- That's probably a good idea.
Teach me to tell her she's doing fine.
Say...
Mrs Guerrero?
lt worked!
Listen, the important thing to remember
is this won't hurt as much as you think.
l'm ready.
You know what, Mrs Tanner...
Just until Samantha
blows out her candles.
What are you gonna wish for?
- A bike?
- Nope.
- A doll house?
- Nope.
How about the ability
to make quick decisions?
- Nope.
- How about this?
- A pony?
- No!
Enough. l don't think
you realise how serious this is.
We need
to be worried about your mother.
Your grandmother, your...
l'm sorry, we haven't met.
l'm Dr Dorian.
- You're very cute.
- Thank you. Come on, let's go.
- Candles are still lit.
- OK.
Here we go. Blow!
l increased the heparin
to 1 ,500 units per hour.
Does that sound like enough?
Should be.
Speaking of heparin,
have you slept with Turk yet?
- What?!
- l'm sorry.
Too personal.
l like to wait.
l like a guy to want it so bad
he thinks he isn't gonna get it ever.
When he's lost the will to live,
l jump him.
- So how long does that take?
- A month, maybe two.
What about you?
l like to use sex as an ice-breaker.
And how's that working out for you?
l guess l don't have what you
would call high self-esteem.
- Let me know when you find the hernia.
- You got it.
- We're so lost.
- We are not lost.
- Go left here.
- lt's right.
You passed his Cooper's ligament.
- Stop and ask for directions.
- You wanna drive?
Cos l will pull over
and let you drive this thing.
Wait a second.
Go back to where you just were.
What is that?
Her O-sat's in the 80s.
And take a look at her heart rate.
Shoot!
That's basically it. Your kidneys aren't
responding to medication any more.
We're gonna
have to start you on dialysis.
l'm not a big fan of dialysis.
We don't really have a choice.
Actually, l do have a choice.
Certain things you never expect
people to say.
l think l'm ready to die.
l've got a ton of bricks for Dr Dorian.
Can l get that pen back?
You're gonna have to
shut your mouth at some point.
Sweetie, l'm 7 4 years old.
l'm ready to go.
With dialysis you could
live another 80 or 90 years.
You're being a little irrational.
- No, l'm not.
- Everybody dies some time.
No, they don't.
Sir, we're really lucky we found
the lymphoma when we did.
Of course. l'll wait till you
get here before l tell David.
See you soon.
l hope you're not using that phone
to make a personal call.
No, that was David Morrison's father.
He's a patient of mine. A good kid.
He sounds terrific. You two
are becoming best pals, huh?
What we should do is the three
of us play a game of stick ball.
All we need is a stick, a ball
and a pocket full of dreams.
Or we could take turns
bowling your patient
down the hallways of my hospital.
- l can explain.
- Spare me.
Spare you. That's good, sir,
cos of the bowling thing.
- You're not making a joke.
- Not at the moment.
He's a good kid and he needed a friend.
Your patients don't need friends,
they need a doctor.
Her BP's dropping. Maybe
it's time to push thrombolytics.
- What would you do?
- That's way out of my league.
She seems to be decompensating
but thrombolytics scare me.
A lot of times the patient bleeds out.
She needs to know what's going on.
l'll be right back.
- She doesn't want dialysis?
- But what does that mean?
lf she declines dialysis,
there is no ethical dilemma.
But what about our duty
to do everything...
''What about our duty...?''
Look, this has nothing
to do with the patient.
This is all about you.
You are afraid of death.
And you can't be. You're in medicine.
You gotta accept that everything
we do here, everything,
is a stall.
We're just trying to keep
the game going, that's it.
But, ultimately,
it always ends up the same way.
- l win.
- Where? l don't see.
Here, diagonally.
Pretty sneaky, Death.
Hope l helped.
Dr Kelso came down on you, huh?
Yeah, but he's got a point.
This is a hospital.
lt's not a playground.
Well, if it isn't the medulla oblongata.
That's about 50 points there.
l won. l'll just take
your fruit cup and be on my way.
l talked to my dad today.
- He's coming out.
- Cool.
And that nurse came by
to shave me again.
- l didn't tell her to do that.
- You didn't?
No. l think she's got a crush on you.
- Come on, dude, what's going on?
- OK, here's the deal.
She's telling her family.
There's nothing that could
make me go in there right now.
- You didn't tell them, did you?
- lt didn't come up.
Look, they don't need that burden.
And they'd give me reasons
to change my mind.
Speaking of which,
l took the liberty of jotting down
a few things l think everybody should do
at least once in their life.
OK, number one: eat a sausage
and pepper hoagie from Enrico's.
l've done that.
Number two: go to Asia.
l'll take that as a yes.
And l'll also check off
''learn a foreign language''.
What happened to
''l'll be right back''?
l can't believe l started to
think l'd been wrong about you.
That woman needs her doctor to tell her
something, anything, and you run away?
Are you even gonna look at me?
l've been deciding what drink to get.
Trying to choose between cherry soda
and ginger ale, and you know what?
lt's a toss-up.
Either way l get a cold drink.
lt would be impossible for me to
kill someone with this decision but...
l still can't make it.
l think l'm in trouble here.
Look...
These kinds of decisions
aren't easy for anyone.
lf it's any consolation,
one of the reasons l never liked you
is you're already better than most
of the doctors that come here.
l kinda liked being the only smart,
strong chick in the joint.
You sort of just complimented me.
A little bit.
OK, l'm gonna have a ginger ale.
Good start.
That clot isn't going anywhere on its
own, so let's push the thrombolytics.
OK.
Here we go.
Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
- Done.
- Go to the top of the Meiffel Tower.
- Now you're making stuff up.
- No, l'm not. lt's right here.
Listen, Dr Dorian,
there is not one thing l regret
as l lay here right now.
l'm ready. l really am.
- You have had an amazing life.
- Good. Now we agree.
Aren't there other patients
you need to be seeing?
Me? No, l've been off for two hours.
So with your precious free time,
you've been talking to an old lady.
What about your list?
How many have you done?
For that matter, how many times have you
sat on the grass and done nothing?
You need to start
taking some time for yourself.
Promise me you'll do that.
- l will.
- Good.
Now, get outta here. Go on.
l just wanna check out
a few things before l get going.
Are you OK?
- l'm scared.
- Come here.
Come here.
You're OK.
You'll be just fine.
Not to worry.
l wanted you to know
she went very peacefully.
l know you did everything
you could for my son.
l can't tell you how glad l am
he had a friend here with him.
Don't second-guess yourself.
You made the right call.
You did.
l know.
Your mother's kidney...
They say one out of every three patients
admitted will die here.
But some days,
the odds are worse than that.
l'm really sorry.
And on days like that,
the best you can hope for
is that you took
something from it.
Hey, l'm Turk.
Anything.
BP's 1 20 over 80.
Let's keep it that way.
Anything at all.
Even if it's just taking
the time to lie on the grass
and think about all the things
you still have left to do.
- No.
Why wouldn't
l wanna go to the symphony?
- l didn't mean anything by it.
- You meant something.
- We've got to do something.
- No, we really don't.
Carla's your girlfriend,
Elliot's my friend...
Trust me. Don't get involved.
She's from el barrio,
she must not like music.
- Classical music isn't for everyone.
- So, l didn't have a nanny...
You got something to say?
l think you're being condescending
and you're being overly sensitive.
Excuse me for a second,
just one second.
She's from el barrio,
she won't like music.
- Classical music isn't for everyone.
- So, l didn't have a nanny...
You got something to say?
Nope. Not this time.
l think you're being condescending
and you're being overly sensitive.
Dammit!
Here's something surprising.
On my first day,
my resident told me,
if you don't count the maternity ward,
which is mostly well, you know,
or the emergency room,
which is mostly broken bones,
stitches, that sort of thing,
he said that
one out of every three patients
that's admitted to this place
will die here.
Hi, l'm gonna be your doctor.
l'm the doctor.
l'm the doctor.
- What are you, 1 6?
- Unacceptable.
Did you have coupons for this hospital?
That's enough!
Sure, he's young but he's
probably a very good doctor.
- Are you a good doctor?
- Kinda too soon to tell.
Honesty, l like that.
You probably want
these people to wait outside.
That'd be nice.
Make 'em know
you're a man, not a boy.
Would you guys mind...
- l'm fine where l am, thank you.
- Make me.
Do it.
Everybody outta here, now!
- No need to wake up the dead.
- Jeez, snippy.
- Now!
- That was manly.
That's what l'm talking about.
- Want a hard candy?
- Yes, please.
l'd say this is a simple
laparoscopic hernia repair.
This is embarrassing, you guys
are wearing the same outfit.
Don't sweat it.
l'm not wearing pants.
Come on, that was funny.
Great. Moving on.
Where you going? ESPN Classic's
showing the '82 NFC championship.
We could have some nurses over.
l called down and requested
a Spanish-speaking nurse.
No English, huh?
l'm a chunky monkey
from funky town.
- l'll have trouble translating that.
- Oh, good. lt's you.
l admitted this
really neat old lady today.
Neat?
Dude, the 1 930s called
and they want their lingo back.
We had this connection, you know?
No, l don't know. Now please,
let me get my sweat on.
Surgeons generally don't like
to get too close to patients.
Maybe it makes it harder
to cut someone open, or too risky.
l feel like you're missing out.
This Mrs Tanner,
she's got this incredible
energy and warmth.
The League of Women Voters called
wanting to know
where to send your membership.
You use that
''somebody called'' joke a lot.
l can't help it.
l got a hernia patient to take care of.
- What's his name?
- His name's Hernia Patient.
But we've gotten close
so l call him Hernia.
He must feel so safe
and taken care of.
Shut up.
l paged Dr Cox and
he should be here any second.
What did she say?
She says it's amazing your fancy
school didn't teach you Spanish,
considering
a third of patients speak it.
Like every doctor here speaks Spanish!
What now, Dr Barbie?
Mrs Guerrero is a lupus patient
with shortage of breath
so l started her on a heparin drip.
- l wanted to run that by you.
- One.
Two.
- Three.
- So, shall l...
lt's really important
you let me get to ten.
- l just thought...
- Listen, cookie.
You've been here over a month.
This is Medicine 1 01 .
l don't want everything run by me.
l don't wanna give my two cents
but if you do want my opinion,
rest assured it will always be
that you're an incredible pain
and every time
l see your Kewpie-Doll face
it just makes me want
to pick you up and shake you
until all the hours
of my life that you've wasted
fall out.
- Now laugh.
- What?
Laugh so that she doesn't
think l'm yelling at you.
How fun was that?
Just initial.
Dr Kelso. l wonder if you could
give me your opinion on a patient?
She's a 7 4-year-old renal failure,
Mrs Tanner.
Of course.
One of our frequent flyers.
- She's a neat lady.
- That's what l said.
Nobody likes a brown nose, son.
Let me see that chart.
Why?
- You put her on diuretics?
- Yeah, l ordered them.
These labs don't look good.
lt's time she got started on dialysis.
You know what you should
do first, kiddo?
- What's that?
- Find her.
Freedom!
''Went to the park.'' She...
She went to the park.
lt's the Catch.
l say ''Catch,'' no response.
How can no one know what the Catch is?
Niners-Cowboys.
Joe Montana to Dwight Clark,
deep in the end zone,
zero time left.
Don't insult me.
lt's the fourth quarter.
Got a minute?
- Sure.
- Cool.
- David, right? l'm Turk.
- What's up?
- Want some lV?
- No, l'm good.
- Mrs Tanner.
- Here's the party.
l don't know about others,
but under my care, you stay in
hospital until l say it's OK to leave.
We saved you a plate.
l don't care about food right now.
Are those smores?
lt's Samantha's fifth birthday.
You're not gonna make me miss this?
Couldn't you have got her a big cake?
l'm gonna order an ABG
just to be safe.
- Don't you think?
- That's probably a good idea.
Teach me to tell her she's doing fine.
Say...
Mrs Guerrero?
lt worked!
Listen, the important thing to remember
is this won't hurt as much as you think.
l'm ready.
You know what, Mrs Tanner...
Just until Samantha
blows out her candles.
What are you gonna wish for?
- A bike?
- Nope.
- A doll house?
- Nope.
How about the ability
to make quick decisions?
- Nope.
- How about this?
- A pony?
- No!
Enough. l don't think
you realise how serious this is.
We need
to be worried about your mother.
Your grandmother, your...
l'm sorry, we haven't met.
l'm Dr Dorian.
- You're very cute.
- Thank you. Come on, let's go.
- Candles are still lit.
- OK.
Here we go. Blow!
l increased the heparin
to 1 ,500 units per hour.
Does that sound like enough?
Should be.
Speaking of heparin,
have you slept with Turk yet?
- What?!
- l'm sorry.
Too personal.
l like to wait.
l like a guy to want it so bad
he thinks he isn't gonna get it ever.
When he's lost the will to live,
l jump him.
- So how long does that take?
- A month, maybe two.
What about you?
l like to use sex as an ice-breaker.
And how's that working out for you?
l guess l don't have what you
would call high self-esteem.
- Let me know when you find the hernia.
- You got it.
- We're so lost.
- We are not lost.
- Go left here.
- lt's right.
You passed his Cooper's ligament.
- Stop and ask for directions.
- You wanna drive?
Cos l will pull over
and let you drive this thing.
Wait a second.
Go back to where you just were.
What is that?
Her O-sat's in the 80s.
And take a look at her heart rate.
Shoot!
That's basically it. Your kidneys aren't
responding to medication any more.
We're gonna
have to start you on dialysis.
l'm not a big fan of dialysis.
We don't really have a choice.
Actually, l do have a choice.
Certain things you never expect
people to say.
l think l'm ready to die.
l've got a ton of bricks for Dr Dorian.
Can l get that pen back?
You're gonna have to
shut your mouth at some point.
Sweetie, l'm 7 4 years old.
l'm ready to go.
With dialysis you could
live another 80 or 90 years.
You're being a little irrational.
- No, l'm not.
- Everybody dies some time.
No, they don't.
Sir, we're really lucky we found
the lymphoma when we did.
Of course. l'll wait till you
get here before l tell David.
See you soon.
l hope you're not using that phone
to make a personal call.
No, that was David Morrison's father.
He's a patient of mine. A good kid.
He sounds terrific. You two
are becoming best pals, huh?
What we should do is the three
of us play a game of stick ball.
All we need is a stick, a ball
and a pocket full of dreams.
Or we could take turns
bowling your patient
down the hallways of my hospital.
- l can explain.
- Spare me.
Spare you. That's good, sir,
cos of the bowling thing.
- You're not making a joke.
- Not at the moment.
He's a good kid and he needed a friend.
Your patients don't need friends,
they need a doctor.
Her BP's dropping. Maybe
it's time to push thrombolytics.
- What would you do?
- That's way out of my league.
She seems to be decompensating
but thrombolytics scare me.
A lot of times the patient bleeds out.
She needs to know what's going on.
l'll be right back.
- She doesn't want dialysis?
- But what does that mean?
lf she declines dialysis,
there is no ethical dilemma.
But what about our duty
to do everything...
''What about our duty...?''
Look, this has nothing
to do with the patient.
This is all about you.
You are afraid of death.
And you can't be. You're in medicine.
You gotta accept that everything
we do here, everything,
is a stall.
We're just trying to keep
the game going, that's it.
But, ultimately,
it always ends up the same way.
- l win.
- Where? l don't see.
Here, diagonally.
Pretty sneaky, Death.
Hope l helped.
Dr Kelso came down on you, huh?
Yeah, but he's got a point.
This is a hospital.
lt's not a playground.
Well, if it isn't the medulla oblongata.
That's about 50 points there.
l won. l'll just take
your fruit cup and be on my way.
l talked to my dad today.
- He's coming out.
- Cool.
And that nurse came by
to shave me again.
- l didn't tell her to do that.
- You didn't?
No. l think she's got a crush on you.
- Come on, dude, what's going on?
- OK, here's the deal.
She's telling her family.
There's nothing that could
make me go in there right now.
- You didn't tell them, did you?
- lt didn't come up.
Look, they don't need that burden.
And they'd give me reasons
to change my mind.
Speaking of which,
l took the liberty of jotting down
a few things l think everybody should do
at least once in their life.
OK, number one: eat a sausage
and pepper hoagie from Enrico's.
l've done that.
Number two: go to Asia.
l'll take that as a yes.
And l'll also check off
''learn a foreign language''.
What happened to
''l'll be right back''?
l can't believe l started to
think l'd been wrong about you.
That woman needs her doctor to tell her
something, anything, and you run away?
Are you even gonna look at me?
l've been deciding what drink to get.
Trying to choose between cherry soda
and ginger ale, and you know what?
lt's a toss-up.
Either way l get a cold drink.
lt would be impossible for me to
kill someone with this decision but...
l still can't make it.
l think l'm in trouble here.
Look...
These kinds of decisions
aren't easy for anyone.
lf it's any consolation,
one of the reasons l never liked you
is you're already better than most
of the doctors that come here.
l kinda liked being the only smart,
strong chick in the joint.
You sort of just complimented me.
A little bit.
OK, l'm gonna have a ginger ale.
Good start.
That clot isn't going anywhere on its
own, so let's push the thrombolytics.
OK.
Here we go.
Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
- Done.
- Go to the top of the Meiffel Tower.
- Now you're making stuff up.
- No, l'm not. lt's right here.
Listen, Dr Dorian,
there is not one thing l regret
as l lay here right now.
l'm ready. l really am.
- You have had an amazing life.
- Good. Now we agree.
Aren't there other patients
you need to be seeing?
Me? No, l've been off for two hours.
So with your precious free time,
you've been talking to an old lady.
What about your list?
How many have you done?
For that matter, how many times have you
sat on the grass and done nothing?
You need to start
taking some time for yourself.
Promise me you'll do that.
- l will.
- Good.
Now, get outta here. Go on.
l just wanna check out
a few things before l get going.
Are you OK?
- l'm scared.
- Come here.
Come here.
You're OK.
You'll be just fine.
Not to worry.
l wanted you to know
she went very peacefully.
l know you did everything
you could for my son.
l can't tell you how glad l am
he had a friend here with him.
Don't second-guess yourself.
You made the right call.
You did.
l know.
Your mother's kidney...
They say one out of every three patients
admitted will die here.
But some days,
the odds are worse than that.
l'm really sorry.
And on days like that,
the best you can hope for
is that you took
something from it.
Hey, l'm Turk.
Anything.
BP's 1 20 over 80.
Let's keep it that way.
Anything at all.
Even if it's just taking
the time to lie on the grass
and think about all the things
you still have left to do.