Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 19 - My Old Man - full transcript

Here's the deal:
Turk and Elliot wrote a paper

on peripheral vascular disease.

They're upset because they
have to present it at a conference.

Do you know how many interns
would die to do that?

Not me, l don't care. l know my paper
was a trillion times better.

lt's so political. Surprise! They went
with the black guy and the girl.

- Bambi.
- What?

What right do they have to be mopey?

That's when Elliot said
something that explained everything.

Our parents are coming.

Oh, l am so sorry.



I could tell my friends were upset.

- Still, there was a bright side.
- lt's all right.

I knew I could make it worse.

- Missed a spot!
- You could help!

- You can't even hear the TV!
- l like the pictures.

If I believed in karma,

I'd be more cautious
about giving these guys a hard time.

Hey, Dad.
No, no, nothing.

Turk and Elliot are freaking out
because their parents are coming.

But karma doesn't scare me.

No. lt hasn't been that long
since you and l saw each other.

- Dad?
- Hey, Mr Dorian.

Hey, boys, what's shakin'?

- Who needs a beer?
- Who doesn't?



You see, JD,
this is what goes around.

But this?
This is what comes around.

- Get out of here.
- Only two left.

- That's all right. JD'll go out.
- Oh, get some chips.

Wowser, Rowdy's a boy dog.

My mom and dad
got divorced when I was seven.

That's not unusual, but though
everybody's relationship

with their father is different, mine has
always seemed very different.

God, l'd like to take a run at her.
Look at that rack.

- Dad, please.
- l'm sorry, Johnny. l'm just a man.

- You know what they say about men.
- They love boobies.

That's is correct, Christopher.

OK, you know, l think
l'm gonna hit the sack

before l get
even more uncomfortable.

Your mother had a beautiful bosom.

- There it is.
- Would you stay?

We've got a lot of catching up
to do. Please.

OK.

You guys have a policy on farting?

No, let 'er rip.

Fire in the hole.

Oh, my God, Dad.

Count it!

That was a nice moment.

I guess everyone's parents
drive them crazy.

So this is my hospital.

lt's stunning.

Honey, is there a rule against
looking pretty here?

Nothing official.

l just think you would look
so much more handsome in blue scrubs.

Thank you, Mommy,

but l like my green scrubs better.

Parents have a way of making
their children regress.

l don't want to wear blue scrubs!

Come on. Boy, you better
watch your manners.

Come on, now.

You can't have one, sweetheart.
Perms are for trailer trash.

What in the hell is this,
parents' weekend?

Sort of.
Elliot and Turk wrote this paper,

then my dad decided
''l wanna come too,'' so...

Look, Reba, if l ask you a question

that doesn't specifically deal
with a medical issue,

you can bet your powdered bottom
l don't want you to answer.

- Do you understand?
- Yeah.

lt's like working with a monkey.

- What?
- Nothing.

Why didn't you introduce me
to your mother?

Because she just came by to say ''hey''
before she checked into her hotel.

She's coming back
later to look around.

OK. l was worried you thought
she might not like me.

She's not gonna like you.
Baby, look.

My mother's never called any girl
l've been with by her name.

She called my college
girlfriend The Big Easy.

Well, was she fat and slutty?

She had beautiful skin.

Don't smile, woman. She did.

Just beautiful.

So, what do you guys think?

l think it's time to get back
to the suite and get in a bath.

This place makes me feel dirty.

Dr Kelso? Dr Kelso,
these are my parents.

Ah, well!

lt's a pleasure to meet the trees
from which our little acorns fall.

- Bob Kelso.
- Simon Reid.

l'm chief of medicine
at St Augustine's.

lt's a private hospital in Greenwich.

l know what you're thinking.
You didn't ask.

Nobody ever does.

So, how long
are you guys staying?

Can l help you, sir?

- Sir?
- You can help me

by minding your own damn business.

Excuse me?

Oh, aggressive, huh?

Do you really want to
get it on with me, pipsqueak?

Because if you do, l guarantee

it'll be the last stupid thing
you ever do on God's green earth.

Nice meeting you.

What the hell was that all about?

Dad. Don't wander off like that.

This is your basic
arthrocentesis there.

Your resident should've
shown you how to do this.

He can't be that mad.

Even though residents
are supposed to teach you,

they only show up
when they want something.

l have to give the students
a lecture on heart murmurs.

- Could you do it?
- Actually...

Thanks, man.

That sucks. l totally wanted to spend
some time with my dad tomorrow.

Then take him.

- What do you mean?
- l don't know?

Secure some kind of vehicle,
car, balloon, tricycle,

and transport your father from where
he is to where you're going.

l don't think you get my dad.

He's not interested in my work.
He's more of like a buddy.

OK. That was my mistake.

Here, l engaged you and gave you
the impression that l actually care,

which is just so wrong! God!

The thing is,
l don't need a buddy.

What l need is a father.

You definitely need something.

Maybe a backbone.
Or perhaps some testicles.

At the very least, a pillow that
you could carry around the hospital

and just cry your sad eyes out
into whenever trauma...

l have testicles.

He's a kidder.

All right, this is it.

Brace yourself and let me handle
this nice and smooth.

All right?
Hey, Mom, guess what.

Hi, Mrs Turk,
l'm gonna cut to the chase.

l'm Carla. l apologise if your
son hasn't told you about me.

l don't know how you've
put up with him as long as you did.

Still, you should know
he loves me very much,

l feel the same
and we're really good together.

- Are you two sharing a bed?
- No!

Yes, ma'am, we are.

But if you're a good judge of character,
you can tell l'm not messing around.

- Carla. lt's a nice name.
- Thank you.

- Yes, it is, Mother.
- Oh, please. Not telling me about her.

Dear, do me a favour.
Don't give him any for a month or so.

- Done.
- lt can't go down like that.

lt just can't go down like that.

After you, sir.

Well, l'll be.

l haven't seen a ward
like this since Vietnam.

So where in Connecticut
was your National Guard unit stationed?

- Amusing.
- l thought so.

l think they're totally
getting along, don't you?

l'm about to open
a fat can of whup-ass on you.

Bring it on, bitch.

All right, sports fans,
we have a guest today at rounds,

so let's try and be sharp.

Why don't we begin with,

l don't know, Dr Reid.

What is the nutritional cause
of high output cardiac failure?

Wet beriberi
from thiamine deficiency.

Yes, it is. Next question.

Why don't we try...

...Dr Reid.

l already went, sir.

- Oh, are you done for the day?
- No.

What's the mechanism of Cheyne-Stokes
respiration in systolic dysfunction?

What? Nobody knows that.

Prolongation of circulation time
from lung to brain

causing diminished sensitivity
of the respiratory centre

to arterial partial pressure
of carbon dioxide?

Yes.

My dad winked at me!

lf that's not saying,
''l love you, l'm proud of you,''

- l'm not sure what is.
- l know!

There are no gratuitous winks
in the Reid household.

And that's when I decided
to take a chance.

l'd love to come to your heart murmur
lecture. l'm a big fan of those things.

That means a lot, Dad.

Absolutely. Please.

Oh, dear Lord,
please make it stop.

- lt's stunning.
- Thank you.

- And l understand that you...
- l make these.

Like two wolves gabbing about
which sheep to eat.

Unfortunately for them, l'm a man.

- Turk.
- Coming.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Hi, Mrs Turk.

John Dorian, get over here.

After all these years,
are you still afraid of me?

On Thanksgiving, l said your turkey was
dry, and you picked me up and shook me.

- Then don't say that.
- Silly Bambi.

You guys, leave him alone.

l've had enough of you two
conspiring and whatnot. lt ends now!

lt is so cute when he
thinks he's in charge.

- l know. lt kills me.
- And that's when it happened.

You should see him when l pretend
to let him...make a decision!

That's when Carla realised
she was exactly like Turk's mom.

Great job at rounds today, Dr Reid.

- Thank you, sir.
- Your dad must've been very impressed.

Yeah, l think so.

l could tell that
he respected you, sir.

Well, that's very nice,
but lucky for me,

my self-esteem isn't tied up
in that kind of poppycock.

l didn't become a doctor
to impress my daddy or anyone else.

l did it for me.

l've seen lots of doctors
get into this for the wrong reason.

- You know what happens to them?
- No.

They quit and get
their real estate licence.

You look upset, sweetheart.

You shouldn't be.

l think you'd look super
in a gold blazer.

Thank you?

This is almost too easy.

Well, work is great, Johnny.

l like to believe
that l'm selling dreams.

- But, Dad, you sell office supplies.
- Yeah, l prefer to call them dreams.

l'm gonna steal another Jell-O.

I always thought parents
were like tornadoes.

They blow into town
and devastate everything in their path.

- Hi.
- There's no food on your tray.

Oh.

But it's different for me.

How you doing, Elliot?

Great talk. Anyway, Johnny,

l was talking to my buddy, Jake,
this afternoon.

- You remember Jake?
- No.

Jake's my buddy,
and he's leaving the country

for who knows how long.
So l thought l might

get out of here tomorrow
and go catch up with him.

l'd miss your thing,

but l wouldn't know
what l was hearing anyway.

- Right?
- Right.

I think what surprised me the most

is that I was actually surprised.

You still talking to yourself?

l thought you'd outgrow that by now.

I probably should've
woken him up to say goodbye

considering he'd be gone
before I got home.

I told myself I wanted to let
the old guy get some sleep,

but even I didn't believe that.

You keep eating that,

there'll be nothing left
for a man to put a ring on.

Mom...

...l started therapy.

Do you know that Amy Swanson's
marrying Drew Gertson?

Drew is such a nice boy.

Drew used to hold people down
and spit in their mouths.

He doesn't do that anymore.

Mom, when l was a little girl,
did l want to be a doctor?

Maybe l used a toy stethoscope
on one of my dolls?

Oh, honey,
you'd have to ask the nanny.

Have you ever reached
a point in your life

when you really wished
you knew how you got there?

Are you trying to tell me
you're a lesbian?

Yes, l am.

Yep.

That's exactly...
exactly what l'm saying, Mom.

Yo, JD. You want to grab
a bite to eat with us tonight

after we do our presentation?

Yeah, l'm not that busy.

lf you're not busy, you have time
to do this discharge summary.

- l meant that later l'm not that busy.
- Fantastic.

l told my mom you like that Cuban
restaurant. She loves Cuban food...

l hate that restaurant.

You said you loved it and wanted
to be buried in a vat of pl?tanos

so you could eat your way out.

See? That's our problem.
You don't get me.

No argument there.

Hey, hey, hey!
You missed a spot, right there.

Well, lucky for me, Dad,

l spend my life going in a circle around
this place cleaning up after the sick.

Tomorrow l'll probably
be here at the same time.

You know that l hate sass, so
drop right down and give me 20.

- That could be faecal matter.
- Make it 30.

Fine.

What is it with parents?

Why is it so easy for them
to make us feel bad?

- ...three...
- Sound off like you've got a pair!

Dad, l don't gotta put up with...

You've got to at least try
and pace yourself.

Otherwise, sure as shooting,
you're gonna burn out.

Come.

l heard the sad sigh,
l see your shoulders are slumped,

and l'm aware that
you have some problem

you want to talk to me about.

You probably think it'll be
cathartic to get it off your chest,

but believe me, it won't be.

What you've got to do,
for me, is the healthy thing.

Keep all of your feelings bottled up
inside where they so belong.

My dad flaked on me again.

l'm sorry. You're not
on drugs, are you?

What? No.

Are you in jail? Have you been beaten?
Are you malnourished?

l skipped lunch,
but l've been snacking.

You are, in fact, a perfectly
healthy 26-year-old doctor

who keeps crying about
how horrible his father was.

Well, he did some considerable
emotional damage, so...

Every one of our parents does
considerable emotional damage,

and from what l've heard,

it just might be the best part
of being a parent.

lf some guy ever does put
a ring on your finger,

and you're lucky enough to pop out a
youngster, l'm sure you'll understand.

But for now, trust me when
l tell you that l wouldn't care

if today was the first time
you ever even met your daddy.

Because in reality,

well, he could've done
a much, much worse job.

OK.

All right, look, at the presentation,

could l do the ending?
l really love the end of our paper.

Do you think that l'm
cut out to be a doctor?

OK, fine.
You can do the ending.

l just want to say,
''Thanks, folks. We've been great.''

l'm serious. Do you think this
is what l really want to do?

Elliot, l don't know.

You can tell me. l can take it.

No, l'm saying ''l don't know''
because l really don't know.

What the hell is going on here?

Why have all women gone crazy?

l'm not crazy. Am l?

No. Shh.

lt's OK, Elliot.
You're normal. You're normal.

- Turk?
- He's not here.

Turk.

l do like that Cuban restaurant.

l think the important thing
is that we got through this together.

l'm freaked out because your mom
and l have lots in common.

- So?
- l don't know.

l got this crazy idea
that you only fell for me

because l'm just like your mom.

Baby...

That's exactly why l fell for you.

OK. l'll probably have
a friend pick up my stuff.

Wait. Sit down.

What's wrong with wanting someone

because they're smart, independent
and always looking out for you?

OK?

Yeah. But if we ever get married, we'll
have to talk about this in therapy.

Relax. l don't do this with my mama.

l hope not.

- Oh, yeah, Mama.
- Oh, that's just wrong.

Oh, Mama.

Part of me
thought Cox was wrong.

I had every reason
to be angry with my father.

So, how's it going down there?

lf it's OK with you,
we just won't talk right now.

Got a needle. Need to focus.

Then I stopped
thinking of my dad as a father

and started thinking of him as a man.

And I realised some things that
deep down I probably always knew.

Like, maybe he wasn't crashing on my
couch to spend more quality time with me

but because he couldn't
afford a hotel room.

And maybe he wasn't going
to see his buddy Jake to catch up,

but because Jake was someone
he might be able to sell something to,

and he really needs a sale.

Maybe the truth is he's
just a middle-aged, lonely guy

struggling to get by,
and it sure would be nice

if someone gave him
a break once in a while.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, there he is.

l thought you had to work all day.

l did, but l got someone
to cover for me.

l wanted to make sure
l caught you and let you know

how cool it was to see you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Wow, l...

Well, listen, l'm, you know,

l have to travel a lot lately, so...

...l'm sure l'll be back
in this region again soon.

So l could swing back out
and see you.

- That'd be great.
- Great.

- Great.
- Great. l'd be happy to see you.

Yeah, we could do that.

You've been taking advantage
of the farting policy.

Hey. Pull my finger.

- l'm not gonna pull your finger.
- See what happens.

l pooed a little.

Dr Kelso.

Well, if it isn't Daddy's little girl.

l wanted to tell you
what happened to me.

l'm going to keep eating my soup,

but you rest assured
l'm holding my breath on the inside.

First, l came out to my mother.

Well, then,

it appears the boys in radiology
owe me quite a bit of money.

But this afternoon...

...a patient puked on me.

And I smiled.

Do you know why l was smiling?

Because l really like what l do.

You were right. l got into this
for the wrong reasons.

But now that l'm here, l can't
imagine being anywhere else.

l still don't like your father.

Oh, me neither, sir.

Oh. They were all out.

Placement of the stent in haemodynamic
results of PTA are inadequate.

Or primary stent placement
at the initial time of PTA...

Maybe the mistake we make
is thinking our parents will change.

And maybe they did a betterjob
than we give them credit for.

Maybe there,
amid all the crap they dumped on us,

are some things worth keeping.

Like a passion for something
you never knew you had.

...recent trial of 283 patients...

Or the ability to surround
yourself with people who love you.

...subsequent stent placement
only increases... ln conclusion,

the difference between the strategies

is not significant at either
short-term or long-term follow-up.

Thank you very much, folks,
we've been great.

And ''Z'' is for the Zs
that you'll be getting

cos you now know
heart murmurs from A to Z.

Thank you.

- What are you doing here?
- l just figured l'd come, check it out.

You know, see how you're doing.

And for the record,
that was atrocious.

l mean, downright abysmal.

l know, but did you
see A through K?

l did a cool thing with A through K.

l showed up at Y,
as in ''Why, dear God? Why?''

You know, this has got to be

the most piss-poor,
sorry excuse for a hospital

that l have ever set foot in.

Well, Dad, in that case, feel free
not to stop by every day you're in town.

Goodbye, Son.

l'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah.

Parents, huh?

Tell me about it.

Yeah. What's that,
a shot at my dad?

That's stepping
over the line, pal.

l missed this.

Yeah.