Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 20 - My Way or the Highway - full transcript

Elliot falls for a patient who won't take the hint and ask her out. J.D. is frustrated by Turk's competitive nature.

Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.

I can see.

Come on. Let's get out of here.
There's something to do.

There's film festivals,
theatre, there's museums.

Let's get out and get some culture.

Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV

and see who can
throw a hat on him first.

Turk turns everything
into a competition.

It can get annoying.

Let's play ''Steak''.

The first person
to finish their steak is the winner.

I paid $17 for this steak,
and I'm not...

You want some?

''Ankles'' is a simple game.

The first one to get embarrassed
and pull up their scrubs loses.

The problem is, these stupid games
always end the same way.

Say it!

Say it!

Just say it.

- I'm your bitch.
- Yes, you are.

Now, sit back baby,
cos Iron Chef is on.

- I win.
- I wasn't racing.

- I was just walking in.
- Good clean win, T-Dog.

Now, let's go down to the caf
and get our doughnut on.

It wasn't a race!

OK, fine!
Let's just play...

Let's play
''Tip Over the Trash Can''.

OK? I win.

- I win.
- Can I play?

- This is fun.
- Yeah.

Sorry to keep you, Mr Kelly.
I was just...

So, what, are you sick or something?

My heartbeat, it's like,
it's irregular.

- What's the medical word?
- Irregular.

Yeah. That's it.

Of course. The heart.
The old ticker.

You're my doctor?

I have something for you in my pants.

No. Not...

I'm not wearing any pants right now.

My pants are over there, and there's
a note from my GP in the pocket.

If you guys need me, I'll be under here.

I'm in love with that guy and if I don't
sleep with him, I'll kill myself.

It's inappropriate
to jump a patient, isn't it?

- Totally.
- Ever done it?

- Tons of times.
- ''Tons of times'' what?

Nothing, baby.

Why hasn't he had a surgical consult?
I'm sorry. That's my fault.

I didn't make it clear how I feel about
things that should already be done.

I almost always wish
things were done already.

Mr Hoffner asked for all his options.

- He never asked for a surgical consult.
- Could I have a surgical consult?

You may have whatever you want.

How is that helpful? Do you get
the doctor-patient relationship?

We're supposed to be a team.

You and me? We're gonna get killed.

For the love of Our Lady
of Guadalupe, that is a fine brew.

- It's just coffee.
- Oh, no.

This is liquid crack.
This is a mug full of sunshine.

My dear, for me, this is like sex.

Is that why you always
finish so quickly?

And sassy too.
If you could cook a steak,

I'd eat it right off your bottom.

Ladies. This is that beverage
I've been trying to describe to you,

and it turns out, this is weird,

but the secret is,
you grind it from beans, not crap.

I'll grind your beans.

When are we gonna get it over with?

We are already understaffed, and
Dr Kelso fired two nurses for no reason.

Forgive us if we don't have time
for the Dr Cox show today.

We have to reschedule every nurse.

- What'll we do about ICU...
- We don't need them.

Here's the problem
with a surgical consult.

Mr Hoffner should be treated medically,
but a surgeon will want to slice him.

Surgical and medical interns
are like two rival gangs.

Not real gangs. More like those cheesy
gangs you see in Broadway musicals.

Surgical, medical, surgical, yeah!

Still, I knew there was
one surgical intern I could count on.

If you have some moles
I will inspect them

I'll remove tumours from
your brain to your rectum

Between the two of us
there is no wall

We're a surgeon and a doc

Above it all

A surgeon and a doc

Above it


No problem. Whatever you want me
to tell your patient, I'm your guy.

- How are you feeling?
- I'm not tired.

Stress tests are supposed to be hard.

It helps if you visualise
running toward something,

- like your girlfriend.
- I don't have a girlfriend.

How could you possibly be single?

I don't know.
I'm kind of anal and neurotic.

My God. Me too.

- Really?
- Please!

I like to keep my pens in order
from least to most ink.

That is hot.
I guess the truth is that

I don't go out a lot, you know?

I always seem to
put my foot in my mouth.

I'd let you put your foot in my mouth.


I said I'd let you put
your foot in my mouth.

That's weird.

I know.

Who gets to tell us the symptoms
of M?ni?re's disease?

- Dr Murphy.
- Can you use it in a sentence?

Sorry to interrupt you there,

but I gotta ask you a quick question.
Now, when you were born, nay,

spawned by the Dark Prince himself,

did he forget to give you a hug
before he sent you along your way?

Because you can't just let nurses go
on account of feeling insignificant.

And besides, with your money,

you ought to be able to keep a man
tucked away in the closet

and bring him out when you want to
knock him around.

As you were.

Doug, look away.

I can't.

- What are you serving for dinner?
- That's not really my area.

I'd like chicken.

Mr Hoffner,
here's your surgical consult.

But he's gonna agree with the medical
course I set for you. Now, Dr Turk,

tell Mr Hoffner whether or not
you think he should have surgery.

I think he should have surgery.

The important thing
is that we're professionals,

and we should behave as such
in front of the patient.

No! Tell me he did not fire her.

You had to show up Kelso
and now another nurse is out of a job.

- I went to confront...
- Am I done?

You don't look done.

- You know what your problem is?
- I put myself...

Who answers that question?
That is your problem.

You think you have
the answers to everything,

but end up throwing gas on the fire,
and everyone pays the consequences.

That's what I was going to say.

Carla, can I talk to you for a second?

My God, Barbie needs you.

To be continued.

Why hasn't he asked me out? I'm single.
I mentioned five movies I want to see.

I drop things so when I pick them up,
he can see I'm flexible.

Elliot, these things
take time and self-respect.

So we're going to focus on time.

- Nobody likes me when they meet me.
- Exactly!

I'm helping.

- We've got all the time in the world.
- Right.

- No.
- I knew it.

I'm dying.
I was exhausted on that treadmill.

I should have said something.
But I never do.

Not when it comes to my well-being.
And now I'm getting a pig heart.

You're perfect.

You're free to go. Today.

- That seems like good news.
- Best news ever.

Dropped my clipboard.
I'll just...

Do I need to sign something?

- You were going to back me up.
- He's had colitis for ten years.

And no girlfriends.
It's a gassy disease.

- You can't consider it a reoccurrence.
- He's high risk for colon cancer.

- Give him frequent colonoscopies.
- How frequent?

You're turning this into a competition.

Luckily, it's not up to you.
It's up to Mr Hoffner.

I'm going with surgery.

- You're getting meat for dinner.
- I eat chicken.

I'll set it up.

- Say it!
- I'm your bitch.

I'm not gonna let Turk beat me.

I'm gonna fight back,
and you want to know how?

I'm telling.

Dr Cox?

He stole my patient.

And then, and then...

It's OK, Jumbo.

Now, who's my big boy?

- I am!
- You're my big boy!

- You're my big boy.
- I'm your big...

Good God, newbie, do you think
you're the only one with problems here?

Give me a break. Watch this.
Pick a nurse, any nurse.

Laverne, when you get a chance,
could you grab a file for me?

- Grab these.
- Rough all over.

So don't talk to me, Joanie.
Just go talk to your patient.


- What's up, Benedict?
- What?

Benedict Arnold?

- That's the lamest smack talk.
- That's not what the redcoats thought.

You went colonial on his ass.

So you're gonna go under the knife
just cos he told you to?

- No, I spoke to some other people.
- Like who?

All fixed.

- He's a janitor.
- Yeah, but he seems confident.

What are you gonna do,
take a swing at me?

- Maybe.
- Well, if you do, I'd better die.

Because if I don't,
I will be coming for you.

Good cake today.

You fired a dear, dear friend of mine.
That woman was like family.

- Who?
- I'll tell you who.

Coffee Nurse.

When you fired Coffee Nurse,
you made this whole thing personal.

No, you made it personal.

You gave me lip yesterday
in front of the interns.

You know why I laid off
those first two nurses?

Budgetary constraints forced a cut,
and those two had negative reports.

And you think I did it
to make myself happy.

I wouldn't notice
if they all caught on fire.

Then why in God's name
did you axe Coffee Nurse?

Because you were being an ass.

You're right, that was personal.
My bad.

Golly, I do love moist cake.

Where are you going?
You're not off 'til midnight.

It's my last chance,
and Sean's only seen me skanked out.

Does it look like I'm trying too hard?

No. Do you need me
to ice up your nipples?

- What would that do?
- Go get him, tiger.

Dr Reid, we need help
with one of your patients.

I'm just a janitor. I don't know much.
But I do know this:

You need surgery.


How's it going?

It's good. Yeah, it's good.

You have something on your cheek.

Yeah, that's just...

That's poo.

You know what they say, right?

Because everybody poops. I just did.

Earlier. Not this second.
But down there, I pooped.

That is so cool
that you can just talk about it.


Yeah, I love to poop.

Dr Dorian, present your patient.

Yes, sir.

The patient presented in DKA,

which is why I've started him
on an insulin drip...

Don't bother.
I'm gonna go in for surgery.

Me too.

I'm having surgery right now,
and loving it.

Let's get you out of your skin.

Bob, could I talk to you for a sec?

Can I let my mind wander,
or are we doing something?

I just wanted to say that I'm...

- I'm sorry.
- Holy crap.

My bad behaviour is my own doing.

I don't think a nurse should
suffer on account of it.

- Then I'll make it right...
- Thank you.

...if you will apologise again
so the interns can hear.

Your call, Perry.

Dr Kelso.

I'm sorry. I was wrong.

- Doug, for God's sakes.
- I don't care. It's beautiful, man.

I cannot believe I talked to Sean
about poo for ten minutes.

- Relax. Nobody knows.
- Hey, Poopie.

At one point,
I tried changing the subject to art.

But we went from art to artists
to alcohol to coffee,

and that just led right back to poo.

You know the saying, ''No one will love
you until you learn to love yourself" ?

My mother used to say,
''No one will love you''.

Fake it. Don't let him see
what a neurotic mess you are.

You see Turk over there?

He doesn't know I cry sometimes because
I'm not sure there's a cat heaven.

It's hiding the crazy and acting like
the most confident girl in the room.

No problem.

I too decided it was time to act
confident and face things head-on.

That was my patient, Turk.
I brought you in as my friend.

You're so competitive, you just
take him from me? That sucks.

- Tough.
- Excuse me?

You're damn right I'm competitive.
That's what makes me a good doctor.

I want to win at everything,
every day, and you should too.

That sounds like a great friendship.

If you don't want to play ''Steak'', fine.
This has nothing to do with friendship.

You're angry at yourself because you
couldn't get the guy to believe in you.

He never got the concept of the team.

I know.

Have a cookie, man.

- I win at ''Cookie''?
- Yeah.

- Thanks again, sir.
- No matter what the board says,

I'm not going to let someone like you
get away. Not without a fight.

You think she doesn't see through you?
These people know who really cares.

- You and Jennifer are pretty tight?
- Hell, yeah.

Jenny. Gosh, I'm glad you're back.

Thanks. My name's Patti.



Sean, wait.

- Is that...
- No!

No. This is just muddy water. See?

- You just tasted muddy water.
- I know. That was weird.

You're like, the best doctor ever.

- Why didn't you ask me out?
- Are you kidding?

I was laying there, pants-less,
with crusties in my nose, and I just...

- Ask me out this minute.
- Yes, ma'am.

Do you want to go out with me, Elliot?


When most of your time
is spent fighting death and illness,

you look for any victory you can get,
even a victory over your own self-doubt.

- How cool was that?
- OK, cool it.

- I'll check you later.
- Check you later.

I'm OK.


You two are perfect for each other.

I got a date. I got a date.

Sometimes your ego leads you
into battles you can't possibly win.

And sometimes you have to admit that
feeling competitive isn't a bad thing.

If you believe you're right,
you have to fight for it.

I know it's the right way to go, and
I am not gonna take no for an answer.

So what do you say?

Let's do it.

You won. Now beat it.

- What?
- Go.

Let's get you some sherbet.

Bottom line, when the stakes are high,
go for the win.

As long as you don't
get caught up in the petty stuff.

Newbie, if we lose to these cutters,
don't bother showing up tomorrow.

I don't want to beat them.
I want to embarrass them.

And go!

Resync: Gotyn