Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 1, Episode 18 - My Tuscaloosa Heart - full transcript

Can l trade clipboards with you?

OK, fine. But mine's better.

- You wanna trade?
- l guess. OK.

- Elliot, have you seen my clipboard?
- No.

This'll be fun.
JD, l would like you to meet JD.

- How's it going, man?
- Make him leave.

Are you bummed
that we have the same name?

l'll tell you what. You're older
than l am, so you were JD first.

So, how about
you'll be JD Number One,

and l'll just be JD Number Two?

How about that?



Hey, Number Two.

Hey, Number One.
l got one more patient.

You wanna have lunch
and bring my clipboard?

- Hey, Number Two.
- Number One!

All right. Cool.

- Hey, Number Two.
- Number One!

The best part about working here
is the patients.

When they see how much you care,
they're grateful.

About time, idiot.

Mr Simon, good morning.
How are you feeling?

l was just asking Nurse Fajita

if you get extra points
for stupid questions.

- l was trying to assess...
- Bambi, don't bother.

Sir, if there's anything we can
do to make your stay more comfortable...



You can kiss my man-sized ass.

Will you hold me after?

Maybe we shouldn't bother.

Hey, Number Two!

- Hey, Number One.
- Hey, Number Two.

Bambi, Mr Simon
made one of the night nurses cry?

- Which one?
- Frank.

Frank was a Navy SEAL.

- Hey, Number Two!
- Hey, Number One.

You are brave.
You're an attending here.

You're dating a student,
and holding hands.

Normally l wouldn't do this,
but there are mitigating factors.

- Like what?
- For starters, you are very hot.

l have kind of a special
evening planned for us.

l'm not gonna
give away everything,

but l will say it involves wine,
an amazing dinner

and a safety word
we've agreed upon in advance.

You are gonna make a great mom!

l told you what to do
if the stitches start to itch.

- Don't scratch.
- Unless they're really itchy.

And then you go to town.
You go nuts. You do your thing.

Dr Reid! One of the nurses found
your stethoscope in the bathroom.

Thank you so much, sir.

This isn't it.
l had them leave yours where it was.

Let's try to be a little
more responsible, shall we?

- l went to college with that guy.
- Lucky you.

Used to play his guitar
every Saturday night

at this coffeehouse off campus.

- Remember the guy's name?
- Robby something, l think.

Dr Kelso's name is Bob, short for Robert
and Robby is a nickname for Robert!

Like, oh, my God!

Give him 30 milligrams of MS Contin.
Why do l have to come with you?

Because you're kinda like a doctor.

He's just another patient.

- Simon says, ''Hello!''
- What the hell do you want?

Just gonna have Carla give you
a stronger pain medication.

- Beat it, junior.
- Toodles.

You're all mine.

Me no likey mean guys.

Have you seen my stethoscope?

No. Maybe you left it
in one of the girls' bathrooms.

What?

ls that my stethoscope?

This is mine.

lt's getting hot, Red Bird.
Pull me out.

Kristen, slow down.

You've no idea how many times
you'll say that tonight.

- You're making it hard.
- You'll say that too.

Kristen, something has come up,
and l won't be able to make it tonight.

- What?
- l know. l'm sorry.

But it's important.
lt's very important.

Thank you for giving me a ride
to pick up my dresser.

- You know l love doing favours.
- You hate doing favours.

l like doing 'em for you. Even though
l am in the best shape of my life,

and l am, by the way.

You could pretty much bounce
a quarter off my butt if you,

if you wanted to.

l don't have any change.

Anyway, l'll probably need your help
getting your dresser up on the roof.

l'm sure you guys can handle it.

l beg your pardon?

This is a sweet ride.
You got seatbelts back here?

No.

You know that dresser
l got for Carla yesterday?

lt's not for her place. lt's for mine.
ls she moving in? No one asked me.

What the hell is this crap?

lt's Dr Kelso!
Mr Sloane dropped the tape off.

Why do you care so much?

lt would be so interesting
if there was this whole romantic,

creative, vulnerable side to him.

l think it's a fascinating study
of human behaviour.

l think you're a fascinating study
of human behaviour.

The music's not that bad.

''My Tuscaloosa heart''?

You have to admit,
if that was him, it'd be pretty weird.

You're pretty weird.

- Stop doing that!
- You stop doing that!

Mr Simon's room.

You don't have to hide from him.

l'm not. l have a new exercise programme
called ''short bursts''.

- ls it working?
- Do you have to ask?

- Yeah.
- Where'd Mr Simon go?

l'm guessing not Heaven.
He died.

- Number Two!
- Number One. What happened?

He had terminal cancer. He went
into respiratory arrest and passed away.

- Number Two!
- Number One.

- Did you give him naloxone?
- We tried intubating him and CPR.

Hey, Number Two!

- He went so fast.
- Say, ''Hey, Number One''.

- Hey, Number One.
- Hey, Number Two.

It's Kristen.
I missed you tonight.

I went ahead with the date on my own.

But it would've been
almost as fun if you were here.

I wish you were here. See ya.

You are a stupid man.

Honey, l'm home.

You should lock your door.
There's horrible people out there.

There's horrible people right in here.

Maybe you forgot how this works.
When l say that ''Hi, honey'' thing,

you take your pants off.
Them's the rules of the booty call.

Jordan, believe me,
l enjoy our meaningless

post-divorce sex as much
as the next guy you marry will,

but your timing
could not be worse.

Maybe you don't remember
the terms of our settlement.

When Jordan needs sex,

Jordan gets sex.

Listen, sweet cheeks,
l am seeing someone who...

Let me guess! Dark hair, domineering,
doesn't take any of your crap?

A lesser person would
mock your inability to move on.

l'm gonna consider it an homage.

There is something so

soft about you.

l'm seeing someone right now,
who, by the way, is great,

and yet there's this other woman
who l cannot get out of my head.

She's totally unavailable,
which may be why

l can't get her out of my head.

And maybe,
and this is a whole new theory,

l keep thinking of this other woman,
the unavailable one,

because l am so afraid that
the first thing might work.

And God forbid l ever do something
that might make me happy.

Do you have any idea
what l'm talking about?

lf l have to stay here
and listen to this crap,

l'll need a stronger drink.

- l hate you.
- l hate you too.

Fair enough.

l'm sure that was Dr Kelso singing.

lt wasn't. Elliot, please. l don't
wanna have this conversation again.

- l think it was him.
- lt wasn't.

- But what if it was?
- Good Lord.

Having a late-night tea party, are we?

l guess my invitation
must've been lost in the mail.

As long as l'm here,
l'm partial to Lemon Zinger.

Dr Turk is here cos his patient
is going into surgery tomorrow,

but l was hoping
we could do an ERCP first.

You're breakin' my Tuscaloosa heart.
Just turf him.

''Tuscaloosa heart''.

This is what l like to call
my ''Told You So'' dance.

- You guys awake?
- Holy son-of-a-cracker!

Not now.
Maybe in the morning before work.

Just thought l'd talk to you guys.

JD, when you were a kid,

did you used to walk into your parents'
room in the middle of the night?

Mommy, are you and Daddy
playing wheelbarrow?

Son, go back to bed.
l'm fixing Mommy's back.

- Yes, once.
- Turk, you're not being sensitive.

l'll be sensitive at breakfast, baby.
Turk out.

- What's up, Bambi?
- l can't stop thinking about Mr Simon.

l neglected him
cos he was a jerk and l'm just

- worried that's what killed him.
- Could have been the neglect.

Could've been the terminal cancer.

You're a conscientious doctor.

You'd never do anything
to hurt a patient. You know that.

You're right.

Thank you, Carla.

- Peace out, Turk.
- Night.

We all know what
goes on in the bedroom...

- Baby, since we're up...
- No.

...but it's also the place
to reflect on what's new in your life.

Tell me about this girl you like.

But most importantly,
it's where you can lie back,

let everything go
and finally just sleep.

Or not.

So you got a good
nine minutes of sleep last night.

Remember it's a new day. Yesterday's
gone and it's never coming back.

- Bambi, about yesterday...
- lt's back?

They want you to present Mr Simon
at an M and M conference.

Morbidity and Mortality conferences
are fun meetings

when they think you might be
responsible for a patient's death.

Bambi, don't be nervous.

ls it hot in here?
lt's like, it's hot!

No, l'm fine.

There's no reason to start
obsessing. You did nothing wrong.

Morning, killer.

Have a good one, killer.

- Hey, Number Two!
- Number One.

- Hey, Number Two!
- Stop doing that.

- Look, Number One...
- Number Two.

We have the same name, but l can't
spend my day playing this game.

l'm sorry.

Hey, Number Two?

- Hey, you.
- You got a minute?

You know what would make surgery
quicker? lf we didn't have to be clean.

Listen, l gotta say something
to you here.

You are so great. You know?

You're sexy, you're smart,
God knows you're dangerous.

- You think l'm a spy?
- No.

Look, l just want you to know

that l haven't been

and it's because of how great you are
and how much that scares me.

But, from now on, if you want,

sister, you're gonna be
getting the whole shebang.

Cos l'm all in, baby.

Bring it. Ka-bow-bow.

Yeah, you come here
with the ka-bow-bow.

My Bunny is a Baby Blue

Bunny, How Things Change,
B-U-N-N-Y Spells Love to Me?

Ten songs about Bunny,
not one song about his wife.

lt's impossible to write
a love song about anyone named Enid.

Don't you get it? This tape
shows exactly why Kelso is Kelso.

He used to be this beautiful,
wonderful, sweet, caring man.

He found the love of his life,
and she slips through his hands?

That is so sad.

Have you guys ever stopped to think
that maybe Bunny is just a real bunny?

That's just stupid.

Yeah, l know.

I'm OK.

I'm OK. I'm a ''K''.

I'm a '''K''?
What the hell does that mean?

Dr Dorian, we have examined
Aaron Simon's file.

Before we begin,
do you have any last words?

l'm a ''K''.

That was terrible.
Can l have a do-over?

lnitially there were concerns that
Mr Simon may have been overmedicated.

We have concluded
that his pain control

was both adequate
and well within normal limits.

Thank you for stopping by.

Sir, l am not sure
how this thing usually works,

but l was kinda hoping
we could take a closer look at me.

l've been sort of
doubting my performance,

and it would be really helpful
if we could just all

talk about it as a group.

Dr Kelso isn't looking
to do me any favours.

If I did something wrong,
he'd call me on it.

Then how come I still can't sleep?

- My God.
- l know. l didn't do it.

Joy.

l told you when he saw us together he'd
fold his arms and do the teeth thing.

He did the same
the first time l saw him naked.

No way, same here.

This is beyond horrible.

Relax. l came by for a board meeting

and to meet the new lady
in your life and warn her.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Kristen,

this is my emotional baggage.

Baggage, Kristen.

Be nice.

l wanted to thank you for helping
with that dresser last night.

- Sure, no problem.
- He's a great guy.

- That's why you blew me off?
- l should leave.

Moving furniture with that nurse

Her boyfriend was there the entire time.

And bailing on you is far and away
the best thing that could have happened,

because it made me realise
that l was sabotaging myself again.

lf you don't believe me, ask Jordan.

Would you please tell her what l said to
you right before you left this morning?

Left where?

You're unbelievable.

That's too bad. l liked her.

l did too.

Dear God.

Why don't we just say something to him?

- Like what?
- l don't know.

''l heard your songs
and they're extraordinary''?

Elliot, don't.

- l won't.
- Pinkie swear.

l heard your songs
and they're extraordinary!

Excuse me?

You swore!

You know what? Just forget it.

We won't bother you any more.

Sir, whatever happened to Bunny?
We gotta know.

Actually, the music came before Bunny.

l learned to play the guitar growing up
as a young rapscallion in Mississippi.

But things didn't take off
until l moved to Memphis.

Then l met the Colonel,
and the hits just kept coming.

But it went to my head. l gained a lot
of weight, started wearing jumpsuits

and ate tranquillisers
like they were trail mix.

Then, in 1 977, l died on the toilet.

Or did l?

- You never played the guitar?
- That crap is for hippies!

Now, for God's sake, get back to work.

Thank you very much.

I always turn
to the person I trust the most.

Cos I know when he says I didn't
do anything wrong, I'll believe it.

Looks like you screwed
the pooch there.

- l didn't overmedicate him.
- You didn't.

l always check your orders.

But if you're wondering whether
or not you treated Mr Simon differently

because he's a complete jerk, well,

l think you know the answer
to that one.

- Depends what you mean by ''different''.
- l have to warn you, l just got dumped

in front of my ex-wife,
not ten minutes ago.

lt's always easy to treat
the nice ones nice, isn't it?

But your drug addicts,
your child abusers,

your garden-variety jerks...

You know, it's barely misting out.

lt's my hair. lf it even gets damp,

it frizzes out and becomes
wildly unmanageable.

- Mine too.
- lt was a joke, ya girl.

Newbie, the only way
to judge your growth as a doctor,

hell, as a human being,

is by making sure you don't repeat
the same mistakes over and over.

That was really great, but next time,
would you not look me in the eye?

lt gets in the way
of what l come here to do.

Then stop turnin' around.

- That's classy.
- Wait a minute.

You don't have to go,
you know, if you don't want to.

- Are you really that lonely?
- Kinda, yeah.

All right. l'll toss you
a quickie, but no talking.

- l'll talk if l want to.
- Be quiet.

The worst thing about being a doctor
is you fall short a lot.

The best part is that,
if you wait for a few seconds,

you can redeem yourself.

Hey, Number Two!

Hey, Number One. How ya doing?

I guess there's good
and bad in all of us.

Woke up this morning

Without you

Oh, it ain't just

The skies that's blue

And there's nothin' I can do
but close my eyes

And dream about you

Dr Kelso, your wife is on line one.

Hey, Bunny.
No, l forgot.

Yeah. No, yeah.
l'll do it as soon as l get home.

Well, l'm s...

l guess hanging up on me
is the right thing to do.

And once you've accepted
all sides of yourself,

it's a lot easier to sleep at night.

Good night, Number Two.

Nothing.

Gotta be boobs somewhere.

Nothing.

Jackpot.

Cheers.

Hmm.