Schooled (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Tamagotchis and Bells - full transcript

Back in the '90s, we
had a ton of toy crazes,

but the biggest of
them all was Tamagotchi.

Long before we could play every
game imaginable on our phones,

all we had were these digital babies.

Tom Scott! Get your head in the game!

School is for dodge ball and
sometimes books, not toys.

The hell is this thing?

It's a Tamagotchi.

My God, they're everywhere.

All right, 10 laps! All of you!

They're not even complaining about laps!



I'll take that.

Thank you very much. Mine!

Con. Fi. Sca. Ted.

But he just said his first word!

And his last!

Your attention please,

place the toys in the
bag, gentlemen and lady.

Was that really necessary?

You, too?

You're a teacher. Act like it, damn it!

Actually, Tamagotchis
are very educational.

They teach kids how to be
nurturing and responsible,

kinda like taking care of a real baby.

I mean, you know what I'm talking about.



How would I know what
you're talking about?

Well, you're a dad, right?

I assume... 'Cause you're older.

For your information, Ringo,

I'm married to that big,
beautiful gymnasium over there.

Teaching is my life.

I do not have time for a regular family.

What about every day
after school and weekends

and the 16 weeks a year that
school's not even in session?

That's it. I'm confiscating yours, too.

Okay, when it's adults,
it's just stealing.

It's not stealing. Gimme that.

- Get off. Get off it.
- I am an adult! I...

Let go of it. I'll tell the principal.

- You want me to tell the principal?
- I don't...

- You baby...
- No!

It was January 23rd, 1990-something,

and the school bell choir was on fire

thanks to my star
student, Reed Buccholz.

So, what do you think?

To be honest, I was
expecting a disaster.

This is not a disaster!

Right? Ah! I'm so stoked.

Ooh, Reed's solo's
coming up. Check this out.

He's manning four bells
at once. Can that be done?

- Yep. Reed's my rising star.
- He's a natural.

It's like he's been touched

by the hand of God himself.

You can pull it back a little.
We're on the same page here.

I'm really proud of you, Lainey.

You guys are awesome.

Remember, rehearsals for the recital

start today after school, okay?

Hey, you killed it today, Reed.

You're a real "ringer"! Get it?

Yeah! Kinda.

Anyway, great job.

You're gonna blow everyone
away at that recital.

About that... I won't be
able to be in that thing.

- Huh?
- I can't make it to rehearsals.

My dad's making me tutor
after every school day.

He's worried that I'm gonna
fail all my AP classes.

- You're taking AP classes?
- I know!

They're super sucky and hard.

Unlike this class. I love ringing bells

'cause anyone can do it, even me.

Oh, then tell your dad
you wanna ring the bells.

Yeah... No.

You're 14, Reed.

You should be doing
what makes you happy.

I said that. He doesn't agree.

Dad, it is so embarrassing
when you cut in line like that.

Never be embarrassed
by 457 horsepower, son.

Hi! Hey, Mr. Buccholz.

Can I talk to you for
a second about... Oh.

Wow! That's an insane-looking car.

Dodge Viper.

It's the deadly snake of cars.

I'm Lainey Lewis. I'm
Reed's music teacher.

- Music?
- Yeah.

I... I just wanted to talk to you...

Sorry about that.
Powerful engine, you know?

Can't let it idle too long.

I know Reed really enjoys music class.

I have to say...

Oh, sorry, my foot slipped.

Uh, but you were... doing this?

I just think Reed's AP classes

might be way too
challenging for him and...

Are you gonna keep doing that
every time I say something?

Depends, are you gonna
keep talking about

- your silly little music class?
- Yeah.

Oh, you wanna take me on?

Yeah, you have no idea who you're...

The car's already a mile
away. Wow, that's fast.

As Reed's dad left me in his dust,

Coach Mellor arrived in his office

to the sound of hundreds of Tamagotchis.

Oh.

Hey, yo! Help me out!

- How do you shut these Yoshinoyas up?
- Tamagotchi?

Yoshinoya's a fast-food place

I've never known anybody to go to.

Just... stop this beeping and booping.

- It's driving me nuts!
- Uh... Okay. This one's hungry.

It's very simple. You just hold
down this button and give him food.

Son of a gun. He ate the food?

Huh. What's he doing now?

Dancing. He's happy.

What about this one?

Oh, okay, this one made a little poopy.

And... poopy...

- ... taken care of.
- Ah, poopy's all gone.

What about this one?

Okay, this one's misbehaving,

so it needs to be disciplined.

I'll handle this.

I was tough but fair.

Responded well. I like that.

Oh, now he's saying, "I love you."

- I love you?
- Mmm-hmm.

It's probably 'cause of the discipline.

- You know, kids need boundaries.
- Mmm-hmm.

Look at this. He's
waving at his old man!

- Hey.
- Pretty cool, right?

Yeah. Get out.

Yep.

"Good evening, parents,
and welcome to... to...

William Penn Academy."

Come on, John, you know this!

- Hey, I gotta talk...
- Gah!

- What are you doing?
- Just practicing my Parents' Night speech.

Oh, actually, that's why I'm here.

I need help with a difficult parent.

There's this obnoxious dad
who's pushing his son too hard.

The kid is drowning in his AP classes.

Aww, look at you, ready
to fight like a champ

against some overbearing parent.

Why are you so happy about this?

Because this means you're
becoming a real teacher.

Wrangling nasty-ass, jackhole parents

is the hardest part of this job.

- I didn't realize that.
- Yep.

My number one rule is
"The Student Comes First."

But no matter how hard I try to do that,

I always wind up locking
horns with some dipwad,

douche-bag, bitch-mouth
mother or father.

Well, if this dad wants
a battle, he's got one.

At Parents' Night, you can
straighten him out face-to-face.

I'm gonna straighten the
crap out of this pushy jerk

and get Reed Buccholz
into my Bell Choir Recital!

Wait, did you say Reed Buccholz?

- Son of Alan Buccholz?
- Yeah?

All right, I take it back.

No fighting, no talking,
avoid eye contact.

- What? Why?
- This is why.

This is gonna be the
school's new computer lab.

Reed's father is paying for this.

Big deal. It's made of cardboard.

No, this is just a model.

Look, you saw Reed in class.

You said he was touched by God.

And those AP classes
are making him miserable.

We're all miserable
at one time or another.

He can get it out of the way now.

You just said your number one rule

is "The Student Comes First."

I think you're putting
words in my mouth.

You have it written in
old-timey stitching on your wall!

Okay, look, Lainey, I have
to look at the big picture,

and that means some parents
you just don't fight.

Oh, so I have to let Reed suffer

just so the school can
get money? Is that it?

Thank you for understanding.

Maybe John was ignoring his duties,

but Coach took his new
responsibility very seriously.

Hey, Coop! Welcome back, man!

- How's the new baby?
- Oh, she's beautiful, thanks.

Although I've haven't
slept in two weeks.

Tell me about it.

I was up all night with mine.
Feedings, cleaning up poop.

- I'm a zombie!
- You have a baby, Rick?

Sixty-seven of the cutest
little buggers you ever saw.

What's he talking about?

I have a hunch, but I pray I'm wrong.

Hungry again?

You're gonna eat me out
of house and home, 43.

Okay, not wrong.

- You okay, Rick?
- I'm better than okay, CB.

I'm A-okay.

And I want to thank you for showing
me who the real Rick Mellor is,

a loving, nurturing
father locked deep inside

just screaming to get out.

I showed you how to stop
some toys from beeping.

And my world exploded.

Maybe it'd be a bit healthier

if you moved on to
nurturing something real?

What do you mean "real"?

Like an actual eating,
breathing, living organism?

You're right! A baby!

No! A turtle. I was gonna say turtle.

I want to thank you for
showing me my true path.

Rick Mellor is gonna have a baby.

Okay, to be very clear,
that's not at all what I said.

Thank you for being my rock, Charlie B.

Charlie. I like that name.

It works for a girl or a boy.

Please don't name the baby
after me. Or have one at all.

Little Charlie Mellor! It's
got a nice ring to it, huh?

You do know that you need
someone else to have a baby.

A woman. Not a problem.

Well, meeting the
right person takes time,

- and you work so much...
- Of course.

I'll just choose somebody
who works at William Penn.

You are full of good ideas, my friend.

No, please don't shop for
a baby mama on the faculty!

Who knew? The mother of my
future child walks amongst us!

- Please reconsider the turtle!
- I shan't!

Coach decided it was
time to start a family,

and he wasn't going to waste any time.

- Morning, CB.
- Oh, no.

Uh, Rick, Rick, what's happening here?

Why are you wearing
little-boy church clothes?

Follow me and watch your vision
become a reality, my friend.

No, I have no vision. No vision.

What are you doing?
Stop! What are you doing?

I'm gonna walk into that
teachers lounge alone

- and walk out with the mother of my child.
- Rick!

You can't just tell a group of ladies

one of them needs to
make a baby with you.

You're right. I should ask.

As always, you got my back.

Excuse me!

I have a business proposition
for all female staff

- with healthy reproductive organs.
- I'm so sorry.

I have decided to procreate,

thanks to the advice
of Big Charlie here.

And so, I'm looking for
a partner who can help me

bring forth the next
generation of Mellor.

And after it's born... Well, who knows.

I guess we'll figure it out on the fly.

So!

Who's interested?

Nobody?

- Shocking.
- I can give you my answer.

Your proposal is sexist, misogynist,

infantile, and ludicrous.

- And I accept.
- Okay, what is happening right now?

I'll tell you what's happening.

I just became the happiest man on Earth.

- Oh.
- Ah.

Sorry.

Eh.

A baby.

It was Parents' Night,

and even though Glascott told
me not to challenge Reed's dad,

I couldn't just step aside when
it came to helping a student.

Alan. Alan Buccholz. Hi. Lainey Lewis.

We met the other day when
you almost ran over my foot?

Uh...

- No, nothing.
- I thought Parents' Night

would be a good time
to talk about my class.

Okay, well, consider it talked about.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
going to move on to some classes

- that colleges actually care about.
- Well, that's a shame,

- 'cause your son is failing.
- What, hey! Failing? Come here!

Hold on, now. Wait a
second. What was that?

Ah, it's fine. Head on
over to the real classes.

Oh, come on. Ple... Is it
even possible to fail music?

I mean, really.

Do-re-mi, hey-bop-a-ree-bop.

See? I just got an A.

For Reed to pass, he has to
perform in the bells recital,

which he can't do 'cause he's so
overwhelmed by all the AP classes.

Of course he's overwhelmed!

I'm grooming him to
take over my business!

He's gonna make a lot more
money as a CEO than a, what?

A... a town crier?

"Hear ye, hear ye!"

Those guys make about 40
grand a year, tops. Tops!

Your son loves my class.
Don't you care if he's happy?

He's a kid! He's
supposed to be miserable!

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

Your teacher here is
trying to make my son happy!

Well, why would you
do something like that?

Because you said, "The
student comes first!"

No, uh, you have me confused

with some confused idiot
who says stupid stuff.

You and I need to have
a serious discussion

about the Alan T. Buccholz Computer Lab.

9:00 a.m. sharp, your office.

You see? That's why I told
you not to get involved.

Now I gotta deal with
an angry parent man.

- Isn't that your entire job?
- No! Most of it.

All I wanted was to do
what's best for the students.

Call me crazy, but I thought
that's what we were here for.

I've looked into many fertility options,

but they're so expensive and impersonal.

Your timing was excellent.

Well, we've both wound
up childless over 40,

so might as well team up, right?

I am childless because
I choose to be childless,

and I am over 40 because
I choose to be over 40.

- Fine.
- Now,

there are multiple items
we need to agree on.

First off, conception.

There's obviously the artificial way,

- and then, of course, there's the natural...
- Artificial.

- You sure?
- Artificial.

- All right, then!
- Next, I will be cocooning the baby

for the first six months on my chest

to approximate the
feeling of the uterus.

- I want to do that, too.
- Oh, I'm sorry,

do you have a uterus
that I don't know about?

Well, fine, but you can cocoon
the baby and I'll cocoon you.

What do you weigh, about a buck 50?

- No man will cocoon me, sir!
- I can!

I'll wrap you up and carry you around

as you carry the baby around!

Okay, you can't cocoon someone
who's cocooning someone else!

I think maybe we let
the baby's godfather

make the call on this one.

Don't want to be the godfather.

Well, who's gonna raise the baby

if Liz and I both go
down in a plane crash?

I'm sorry, where would
we be flying together?

The Bahamas. It was gonna be a surprise.

- I'm fair-skinned.
- We'll rent a cabana!

Can we please stay on the
subject of raising the child?

- Please.
- I will be raising the child.

You can visit at prearranged times.

No unscheduled pop-ins.

But Little Charlie needs to
know that his daddy's nearby!

I'm sorry, who's Little Charlie?

It's the baby's name!
After CB over here.

Oh, that's actually quite nice.

It works for a boy or a girl.

- That you agree on?
- No, actually, we don't agree on anything.

Rick, I thought this
was just going to be

a business transaction between two
co-workers in a teachers lounge.

I don't understand how such a
simple idea got so complicated.

I don't know. I thought maybe, you know,

we'd be kind of like a family.

What is that?

That's my Tamagotchi,

although I've never heard
it make that noise before.

That means it died.

- Died?
- It's dead.

You can't even take care of a toy.

This isn't going to work. I'm sorry.

- Hey, John?
- Gah!

- Come on, stop that.
- Sorry.

And I'm sorry for the timing
of my blow-up last night.

Well, I appreciate that.

But I am definitely not
sorry for trying to...

"Work Hard Play Hard"?

You took down "The Student Comes First"?

- No.
- I know it was there, John.

Look, I have to give in to
Alan for this computer lab.

So where do you draw the line, John?

Does a parent get to call the shots

because they give the
school a new minivan,

- a few tether balls, a box of chalk?
- A new minivan.

Look, I know. You're right.

I wish that I was stronger dealing
with mean, entitled parents,

but that's the thing
that I am the worst at.

Well, you better start
learning how to handle this,

- 'cause it's gonna happen over and over.
- But how? I don't know if you know this,

but I get sweaty and
flustered very easily.

What if I told you I had a
foolproof way for you to stand strong

and always have the exact,
perfect words to say?

I'd say that I'm intrigued.

The only way to fight a difficult parent

is with the most difficult
parent this school has ever seen.

- Don't say it...
- A woman whose overbearing smotherhood

is still legendary a decade later.

- Don't say it!
- Beverly Goldberg.

- I said don't say it!
- We both know she's the best shot

you have at fighting fire with fire.

Fine. Okay.

Let's dance with the devil.

- Summon her.
- I'm already here!

Aah!

Glascott needed help dealing
with a difficult parent,

so I brought in my secret weapon.

Well, there's nothing I hate more
than a demanding, bossy parent

with unrealistic expectations
for their schmoopy.

So, what's the plan?

Oh. We're gonna put your words
in John's mouth using this.

It's called an America
Online chat session.

Whatever scathing things you type here

will appear on John's
computer screen in there.

He'll sneak a look
and say what you wrote.

Oh, my God! Alan is coming!

Lainey, hide! He hates
you! Hey there, good sir!

Let's make this quick. I'm
flying to lunch in a half hour.

Okay.

So, it's, uh, a beautiful morning.

- Can I offer you a cup of co...
- Here's the deal.

Fire the music teacher and you
got yourself a computer lab.

He wants a teacher
fired? That's my move!

And I know just what I'd say, too.

I'd say, "I am the
principal of this school.

You don't get to tell
me who to fire, -face!"

- Type it!
- Oh. Right. Okay.

Uh...

I...

I...

You what?

Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba.

This keyboard is not the same

- as the keyboard I have at home. I'm sorry.
- Well, that's impossible.

We're the apostrophe?
I want to spell "I'm."

It's there!

I'm...

Stay off the top line!
That's only numbers!

I'm 7...

Is that a 7?

"I'm 7% colon."

- I'm 7% colon.
- Well, I'm 8%.

Doctor checked it last month. Said
it's the most colon he's ever seen.

- Four...
- How do I erase?

- Nope.
- Oh, poop.

Well, this is a stupid
and bizarre waste of time,

so you just lost
yourself a computer lab.

Damn it. Fine.

Well, at least we still have this one.

- Nope, I'm taking that one, too.
- Ohh!

All right, fine!

You know what, you can take
all of your computer labs,

but I will not fire Lainey Lewis.

In fact, I wish I had
more teachers like her.

Not a lot more... Maybe one.

You know why? Because she
puts the students first.

If Reed is not at her
recital, she will fail him.

- Did you type that for him?
- Not a word.

I couldn't have. There's no "H."

Are you telling me to shove it?

Nnnnn...

- Yes.
- Well, all right.

My son can ring the bells.

Not because you're right,

but because he needs straight
A's to get into Princeton.

Thank you.

And if it makes any difference,

this is really gonna
make him a happy kid.

What is it with you all
wanting kids to be happy?

Huh? Enough!

My God!

I guess my job here is done.

- You did nothing.
- And everything.

You're welcome.

Coach Mellor's dream of being
a father had disappeared,

and now he couldn't bear to hold on

to the tiny, electric
reminders of what he had lost.

I'm sorry, Ed. He didn't make it.

- Huh?
- It's my fault.

Although, I don't know why I thought

- I could take care of anything.
- Oh. Sure. Whatever.

- So, giving 'em all back?
- Yeah, although,

most of the kids don't seem to want 'em.

Something called Pogs
is sweeping the nation.

Yeah, it's a game you
play with these things.

We can give it a shot
when you're feeling better.

Nah. It's funny, eh.

My whole life, I thought all
I wanted to be was a teacher.

And now I realize I want to be a dad,

- but it may not be in the cards for me.
- Rick, you are a dad.

- To every single kid in this school.
- That's different.

It's not that different.

You not only teach these
kids, you inspire them, man.

You show them that if
they believe in you,

if they believe in themselves,
anything is possible.

Thanks, CB.

Now get back to work and be a
dad to these kids right here.

Maybe one day, the
right person will notice.

♪ Backbeat, the word is on the street ♪

♪ That the fire in your heart is out ♪

♪ I'm sure you've heard it all before ♪

♪ But you never really had a doubt ♪

Well, what do you think?

- I think the little knucklehead looks happy.
- ♪ Feels the way I do about you now ♪

I know you think he needs
to end up just like you.

And maybe he will.

But for now, I think he's doing
pretty good just being him.

♪ Today was gonna be the day ♪

♪ But they'll never
throw it back to you ♪

You know, I used to play a pretty
mean trombone when I was a kid.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

- So why'd you stop?
- Eh, Grandpa made me.

Dude, he sucks.

Yeah, he really does.

You know, when I started this job,

you said even though we don't
get paid much and the hours suck,

there would be moments that
would make it all worth it.

- You were right.
- Well, enjoy it.

- I know I used to.
- Used to?

Before I became Principal, I always
looked down on the administration

because money was their only priority.

- And now look at me.
- Come on, you did the right thing in the end.

- Only 'cause you got me there.
- So?

A few months ago, I
was broke and desperate.

But thanks to you, I ended up here.

Doesn't matter how you get
somewhere as long as you do.

Hmm.

Thank you.

But yeah, next time, show some balls

so we don't have to
call Beverly Goldberg.

Oh, God, no.

♪ I said maybe ♪

I know you can do this! There it is!

Splay your hands! Yes!

Sometimes our lives don't turn
out exactly like we'd planned.

That's what I'm talking
about! Good stuff!

We often find ourselves in
places we never thought we'd be.

- ♪ You're my wonderwall ♪
- But if we take the time to look around

to see the good we do for others...

♪ I said maybe ♪

... how we teach them, inspire them,

and give them the tools to
be the best they can be...

... we may find that
the reality of our lives

exceeds all of our expectations.

- Hi, I'm Liz Fleming.
- And I'm the real Liz Flemming.

All right, Liz, get real with me.

Uh, what are the politics
of the teachers lounge?

What goes on behind closed doors?

There's a fair amount of complaining.

Um, complaining about faculty meetings

or administrative decisions
or about specific students.

So what goes on in
the teachers lounge...

Stays in the teachers lounge.

How do you deal with,
like, a really tough parent?

I try to kill them with kindness,

and I've been lucky.

Maybe it's your, uh, gentle, stoic calm?

Definitely.

So, speaking of difficult parents,

what was it like working with
the real Beverly Goldberg?

She was one of the ones who liked me.

Um, I think I gave Adam good
enough grades that she was okay.

And so I was one of the
rare lucky ones, I think.