Schooled (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Glascott Mascot - full transcript

Back in the '90s, sports
mascots were all the rage.

Fans went nuts for the
sausage races in Milwaukee

and the legendary Phillie Phanatic.

But the traditional
mascot of William Penn

didn't quite capture that same fire.

Ow!

All right, enough!

There's nothing funny about
a pass that far off target.

The Quaker's lame! I quit!

Quaker, wait!

You can't quit, Quaker.
We have a game tonight.



We need your Quaker energy.

My name is Jessica,

and I don't care! I'm done!

I get it, okay?

A goofy-headed pacifist
with an odd toothy smile

doesn't exactly inspire a
team to crush the enemy,

but he's been our mascot
for over 100 years.

_

What if I could help you?

What if the Quaker finally had...

power?

I think I'd like it a lot.

What the hell is this?

You gave the Quaker a weapon?



I gave the Quaker confidence.

Rick, this is not the kind of image

we want associated with our school.

You know, this is why I think we need

to come up with a new mascot.

- No way!
- Coach, it's the '90s.

Schools, colleges, even pro sport teams

are changing their mascots

to become more kind and inclusive.

But that is the opposite of
what a mascot should be!

It needs to invoke fear
and aggressive behavior!

Then I will personally
oversee the creation

of this new mascot all by myself.

Whoa, wait. Sports is my department.

Coaching sports is your department.

Everything else in this
school, that's all me.

How about we compromise

by giving the Quaker a T-shirt cannon?

I know a great cannon guy.
He spots me at the gym.

No cannon, no creepy Quaker.

And also, return this
to the harvest display.

Thanks, pal.

Oh, damn! That's real!

It was April 10th, 1990-something,

and the final bell had just rung.

The end of work... one of
the highlights of my day.

- Hey, where you headed?
- Home.

I have standing appointments

with my girlfriends Ricki
Lake and Sally Jessy.

Oh, come on. Stick around.

This is prime time

to make meaningful connection
with the students.

You realize those connections

are only meaningful for you, right?

Hey, CB. You got a sec?

Uh, watch and learn.

Of course, Aaron, What's up, dude?

I heard the school used
to have a radio station.

I was thinking it'd be cool
to start it back up again.

Maybe you could be the club advisor.

Consider yourself advised.

- Yes!
- Okay.

Wow. A week ago, I encouraged Aaron

to get more involved, and boom.

The kid's a Slater-head.

That's why he wants to do radio.

Like A.C. Slater from
"Saved by the Bell"?

- What?
- Are you not down with the "Bell"?

- Sad.
- I'm talking about Christian Slater.

Aaron literally had him on his shirt.

The kid clearly watched
"Pump Up the Volume"

and now wants a piece of the cool.

Why only a piece when he can have

the whole cool package right here?

Come with me.

Let's see. Who do we have
out there tonight, huh?

The, uh, usual band of
teenage malcontents?

See? Christian Slater
plays a badass radio DJ

who turns his whole school upside down.

Now you see why Aaron Rubin
wants to be this guy.

I want to be this guy.
He's such a badass.

Agree on all points.
This movie's awesome.

I've seen it like 60 times,

and I remember at least five of them.

We're gonna give these kids

the best student radio station ever!

Right on. Let's do this.

He means "we" as in "me," dude.

Pretty sure "he" meant
"we" as in "three."

I meant "we" as in "me and she."

Oh, come on!

That radio equipment
is here 'cause of me.

Back when I roamed these
halls, I had a radio show

the whole school was obsessed with.

- Tell him, Lainey.
- I have no memory of this.

Rush Hour?!

30 minutes of nonstop Rush songs!

Why not 60 minutes?

I mean, it would make more
sense with Rush Hour.

Wow. Never thought of that.

I think we're good here, pal.

If you need me, you
know where to find me.

So, just like that,

the school radio station
was brought back to life.

Welcome to our radio show.

Today's topic... uh, fish sticks.

Becky, what did you think?

They were all right.

Yeah, uh, they were all right.

Oh, man.

This is so "Pump Up the
Volume," you know?

Yeah, it's just like the
moment after the credits,

when the screen was black.

I know. This isn't Slater at all.

Guys, come on.

This is an opportunity to
express how you really feel.

Don't hold back. You're 15.

Life sucks 'cause you're
oily and have braces.

You should be angry.

I am angry!

Those fish sticks were not all right.

Yeah, I prefer the nuggets.

Okay. Good start.

Anything non-nugget or
fish-stick-related that pisses you off?

Well, I have three tests on Friday,

and that, like, sucks.

Don't tell me. Tell them.

I have three tests on Friday,

and that, like, sucks.

No, wait. It's bull poop.

This is bull crap!

- Yeah!
- Poop.

As I was getting the kids fired up,

Glascott was psyched to show his choice

for his new symbol of the school.

Okay, this better be good.

I left a cold protein shake on my desk.

This will be well worth your time.

I present to you,

the new and improved
mascot of William Penn...

powerful and yet non-offensive.

Lifting our school to new heights,

I give you... the Wind!

You got to be kidding me.

Now blow a gust of wind.

Did I do it right? Is it out?

Oh, yeah. And at pep rallies,
she'll be on roller skates!

You really want to die
on this hill, John?

The principal has made up his mind.

End of discussion.

Look, I got a way we can fix all this.

You make me Athletics Principal,

and I'll make sure we hold
on to our old mascot.

Athletics Principal?

That's your idea?

Yeah. You know, I'd be in charge

of everything under the
athletics umbrella...

like sports, and, uh...

pep rallies, mascotting,
and jock strap-ery.

And you'd be in charge
of everything else.

You can't section off my job
into a bunch of principals.

What's next? Science Principal?

Art Principal?

Rick, I'm the one and only
principal around here,

and we're going with the Wind.

Is anybody out there?

We have a problem, as, apparently,

your deejays like to do daily
critiques of my wardrobe.

Today they said my outfit
looked like a homeless cowgirl.

Liz, you can't take it personally.

Yeah, I think it's a cute... vest.

I'll have you know that
this is a sleeveless poncho

that was hand-stitched by
a Navajo businesswoman

just outside of Taos.

I mean, look at this
intricate handcrafting...

It has served its purpose

and will return to the
earth from whence it came.

Liz, I'm sorry about the kids,

but they're just expressing themselves.

Well, I don't appreciate
being publicly critiqued

by my students.

And the other teachers agree.

But they're learning to rebel
and speak their minds.

Yeah, Liz, let's stop being so insecure

and encourage their voices for once.

That's right. Instead
of shutting them down,

let's hear more.

Sometimes, it feels like

the teachers just aren't on our side.

Totally. Except for Lainey and CB.

They're still looking out for us.

Which is amazing, 'cause lately
it seems that they spend

most of their time
looking at each other.

So true. It's like, get a room already!

Well, this has taken an unexpected turn.

This next song is dedicated to them.

This is Boyz II Men,
"I'll Make Love to"...

Now, that's funny.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

- That's funny to me, too.
- Yeah. Super funny.

I'll let you two have the room.

- Okay.
- You don't have to do that.

No. All right, take care.

We gotta shut those punks down.

Oh, yeah.

John.

The Wind is the most idiotic mascot

to represent our school,

and now I have the board
breathing down my neck,

so you fix this!

Just give it a chance.

Trust me, I'm making the right call.

Mascots aren't your call anymore.

- What?
- I am taking athletics off your plate,

and I'm giving it to Mellor.

Oh, my God. He got to you.

No one got to me.

I-I came up with this on my own.

You tell him I'm the
Athletics Principal?

Damn it, Rick. I told you to
hide by the vending machines.

I can't believe you're gonna
listen to his insane idea.

There is no such thing
as Athletics Principal.

And how would that work, anyhow?

Not my job to figure out the details.

It's my job to make the sweeping change

and to let you two take
it from there. Good luck.

We're gonna crush this
thing together, huh?

I don't wanna crush this together.

Well, geez, I'm just trying
to get off on the right foot

with my fellow principal.

You just stick to athletics.
I do everything else.

Ah, do your thing. You
won't even know I'm here.

Ha!

All right, everyone, let's begin.

Uh, just a few announcements today...

Yes! Let's get started.

It's meeting time, which
for us is game time.

We can do this, team!

Rick, what are you doing?

I'm co-leading the meeting.

Everyone, I have been formally promoted

to this school's new
Athletics Principal.

Sure. Well, this is a staff
meeting, and I'm running it.

The non-athletics part.

- All right, let's just push through.
- All right.

- Item one... faculty parking lot.
- Item one... faculty party logs.

- We'll be repaving the faculty...
- We'll be repasting the faculty...

- ... parking lot this Tuesday...
- ... paper long this Tuesday...

- ... so teachers will be directed...
- ... so teachers will be directing...

- ... to park in the visitors' lot.
- ... the visitor paper logs.

- Make sure that you get...
- Maple sugar you pick up...

- ... your green passes...
- ... your great packets.

- ... or your car will be ticketed.
- Otherwise, you will be tickled.

- And yes, the overflow...
- And yes, of course, overlord...

... will be sent to

- the students' parking lot...
- ... partying will be in the...

- right, in the Studebaker.
- So try to get here early.

You know, Rick, why don't
I do my announcements

and then you do yours?

You got it, Co-Prince.

There's...

nothing written on these.

Mm.

Meeting adjourned!

Thanks to the Radio
Club, the whole school

was gossiping about CB and me.

It was time to rein them in.

Gotta say,

been a great first week
for the radio station.

- Yes!
- You guys are telling it like it is

and making a difference.

We could not be more proud.

But others disagree.

Yeah, teachers are pissed.
They want to shut you down.

- What?
- But, as the cool ones

who started this whole thing,

we've come up with a solution
that works for everyone.

Lainey?

"Pre-Approved Ways To Rebel"?

This list is so rad, only
the baddest boys and girls

dare touch controversial
stuff like this.

Yeah, like classroom temperature.

- Taco Tuesday.
- Pencil sharpeners.

- Rain.
- Rain?

- Rain.
- Ew. I hate rain.

So controversial.

This is so lame.

Yesterday we were talking about

things that really
meant something to us.

Yeah, if we can't talk
about what we want,

what's the point?

I'd rather not do it at all.

Ooh, you know what? This is good.

I like your defiance.

Me too. Let's shut it down.

Wait. Wait, what?

You're telling them if you
can't run your station

the way you want, then
you won't do it at all.

That is badass.

Your silence will be
louder than your words.

That's not what I said.

Shhah! Silence.

CB and I had shut down the radio station

and the gossip about us for good.

Or... so we had thought.

Hey. What's going on?

The radio station... it's back!

You're listening to the Mad Mouth

of William Penn,

the voice of the voiceless

and the scourge of our oppressors!

The transmitter's gone.

Yeah, that means it's real pirate radio.

Don't worry, kiddies.

No one will ever shut me down.

Not even the teacher on the D.L....

Mr. and Mrs. Traitor!

Maybe he's talking about someone else?

CB and Lainey... just to be clear.

- Nope.
- We have to stop being seen together.

You... stay.

Our plan to silence the
kids had backfired,

while the power struggle
between John and Rick

was worse than ever.

You know, come to think of it,
make it an even 100 kickballs.

- What the hell?
- Hello?

They hung up.

Okay, you need to stop

this whole Athletics Principal nonsense.

John, if this partnership
is gonna work...

This is not a partnership!

I'm the principal of this school.

My God, does it bother you
that much that I'm in charge?

No! Maybe.

Only when you do dumb
stuff, which is a lot!

There it is.

You want to be in charge.

That's what this is all about.

- No!
- Please.

Everyone knows you wanted this job,

and you got angry and disappointed

and threw a fit when you didn't get it.

I did not!

I was there.

Ball said to me, "You got the job,"

and then you screamed, "I'm
angry and disappointed!"

You want to see me fail.

But I won't.

The Wind stays!

So does the Quaker.

You want to go to the mat
on this? 'Cause I will, pal.

So will I.

We're wrestling for real, right?

No! Get out!

I'm leaving.

You all know why you're here.

Someone in this room is Mad Mouth.

Anybody want to step up and admit it?

It's not anyone here.

But whoever it is, they
speak for all of us.

Yeah, I wouldn't turn them
in if I knew who it was.

I have total respect for that.

Same. Word.

But now the trial begins.

Each of you will read

from one of Mad Mouth's
hate-filled screeds

so we can figure out who's
been talking about us.

Well... not us.

And yes, us, but... the
whole school in general.

This isn't gonna help you.

Mad Mouth disguises his voice.

I'm a trained musician.

I have an ear for these things.

Mad Mouth will be exposed.

"The administration is
run by cowards and pigs

who only care about money."

"CB and Lainey are so annoying.

Clearly, they're hot for each other.

Just get busy already!"

- Um, CB, which screed is this?
- I don't know.

I had Ms. Jensen's typing
class transcribe it for me.

"The bickering, the teasing,

the long doe-eyed stares.

And that's just CB."

I really should've checked this first.

"The bump-and-grind."

- "Get your freak on."
- "Knockin' boots."

"Human pretzel, double-dipped."

Oh, come on! Doesn't this guy
talk about anything else?

Whoever it is, just admit it.

It's not us. Listen, he's on right now.

As I speak,

the lovebirds are looking for me,

trying to shut me down.

Oh, and we will.

But they won't.

You can't hide from us forever.

Because I can hide forever!

Damn. He's annoying, but good.

Can we go now?

Oh. Sure.

- Sorry to falsely accuse you.
- Yeah.

Don't tell your parents about this.

- Have a great day.
- It was our fault.

- Tommy, tie your shoe.
- This is a nightmare.

We'll never figure out who Mad Mouth is.

Next up, some tunes from the
world's greatest band...

Rush! Um, or any band.
Doesn't have to be Rush.

But they are the greatest. Damn it!

- Son of a bitch.
- Such a dummy.

Don't you worry, loyal listeners.

Are you kidding me right now?

Oh, no! It's The Man.

Atkins signing off.

I mean... Mad Mouth.

What the hell are you doing?

I told you radio was my jam.

I just... liked feeling alive again.

By telling everyone we
have a thing going on?

But you do have a thing going on.

But we don't have a thing going on!

Then why are you two
bantering all the time

and busting each other's balls?

- 'Cause that's what friends do!
- Yeah.

I mean, look at him, with his dumb hair

and his dumb ties, and,

I mean, who wears pants like that?

- Okay, well...
- Sometimes, there are so many pleats,

I don't even understand
how there can be so many.

Point is, we need to tell
Glascott about this.

But I'll be fired.

Well, frankly, you should be,

for turning on us the way you did.

At least I didn't turn on the kids!

What? We didn't turn on them.

All we did was shut them down

when we didn't like what
they were saying. Oh.

Look, part of my job

is I get to be a fly on the wall,

and I hear their problems.

They don't think anybody
cares what they have to say,

and all you did was prove it was true.

Well, your job isn't to speak for them.

You know, I work just as hard as you do.

And, frankly, I actually
respect these kids.

Serious Johnny Atkins makes me sad.

Glascott was determined
to prove Mellor wrong

and premiere his new mascot.

Unfortunately, not
everyone was on board.

Jessica?

The pep rally's about to start.

Why aren't you in the Wind?

Um, because it's ridiculous.

I'm having a whole political battle

with the so-called Athletics Principal,

and you would be doing me a solid

if you put this on.

Not on my watch, Quaker Girl.

Your Athletics Principal
is here to save you.

Now put this on and get out there

and show them how a
Quaker slays the enemy.

No. Put on my costume

and show them how the
Wind can lift our school

to new heights of
sportsmanship and unity!

Quakers never stop fighting!

The Wind never stops blowing!

I'm not doing either!

Hope you're happy, John.

Now we have no mascot at all.

Or do we?

No.

As Athletics Principal,

I demand you don't go out in that!

And as the real, actual principal,

who will do anything for his school,

I dare you to stop me.

Blowing in from the east,

powerful and strong,

I give you William Penn's
new and improved mascot.

Let's hear it for... The Wind!

And with that, Glascott presented

his new symbol of William
Penn to the students.

They were... confused.

How come they're not clapping?

That's okay, John.

You just gotta kick it up a notch...

show 'em what The Wind can really do.

It wasn't going well.

And it only got worse.

Quaker?

Coach Rick!

- Ohh! Ohh!
- Ohh! Ohh!

No weapons!

Turns out the two principals

were not going down without a fight.

Literally.

It had been a day since the
battle of the mascots,

but the war over who
was the true principal

was still raging.

Okay, moving on.

The sports banquet will be
bigger and more delicious

than ever this year...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Rick.

Did you call a faculty
meeting without me?

Did I call upon my authority
as Athletics Principal?

Indeed I did.

Well, all announcements go through me,

the Principal Principal,

which means I get to say them.

Okay, guys, guys, it really
doesn't matter who...

- All right, well, listen.
- Okay, uh...

- We will be holding practices...
- ... we will be holding practices...

- for boys soccer from 8:00 to 10:00...
- ... at the boys soccer from 8:00 to 10:00...

- ... which means that girls softball...
- ... which would mean that the girls soccer...

- ... is now going to take place...
- ... is not going to be...

- ... on the northwest baseball field.
- ... taking place on that

northwest baseball field.

Gentlemen, please!

What the [BLEEP] was that?

See? Liz agrees!

There's only room for one
principal at this school.

so you guys need to make
up your minds right now.

- Show of hands!
- Hey! Focus up, okay?

You two, figure this out

and leave us the heck out of it!

Well, this one may be on me.

Of course it is. You want my job.

Yeah, I do.

I did. At least...

I wanted to be asked,

to be taken seriously for once.

Rick, I take you seriously.
I always have.

Well, then, why'd you go rogue

and make up your own mascot without me?

'Cause I wanted to be taken seriously.

The truth is,

if there's anyone not
respected in their job,

it's me.

Wow.

Guess we both wanted the same thing.

Only difference is, I'm
such a disappointment,

part of my job was given to you.

John, you're the only
one who would get up

in front of all those people
dressed as the stupid wind.

Now, if that doesn't make you the
heart and soul of this school,

then I don't know what does.

I think it's time for you to be

the one and only principal again.

Thanks, man.

Coach and Glascott had
ended their mascot feud

once and for all,

but as for CB and I, we still
had some work to finish.

Hey, Johnny. What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm done here.

When you guys rat me out and
they hear that I'm Mad Mouth,

there's no way they'll
keep me at this school.

Johnny, we didn't tell anybody
that you're Mad Mouth.

You didn't tell Ball about me?

Oh, we told Ball about you.

We told him you should be in
charge of the radio club.

- What?
- Sure.

We told him if he did that,

the kids wouldn't need a Mad Mouth...

because they'd have somebody
guiding them who really gets it.

Oh, man.

I can't believe you guys
would do this for me.

But just so you know,

I'm not giving up my regular job.

You ready to knock 'em
dead out there, Jessica?

All right, let's do this.

I can't tell you how impressed I am

that you're still willing to
go out there in that costume

for this school.

Well, what can I say?
Anything for William Penn.

But this is probably the last time.

Our school years are often filled

with the most real, emotional
experiences of our lives...

for both students and teachers.

And in tough times,

where it can feel like we're
working against each other,

we need to open ourselves up

and understand what we're
really going through.

I've known that ponytailed
man a long time.

I've never seen him so happy.

Yeah. Well, we make a great team.

Not really. We actually
caused a ton of damage

and had to have the school
custodian set us straight.

Well, at least we stopped
the flirting talk about us

from being a thing.

I mean, not a thing between us.

Just... a thing.

Believe me, I want nothing to do
with any of that stuff, so...

Right. Me neither.

The thing is, I...

I'm kind of hung up on someone,

and I didn't realize how hard
it would be working here.

You know.

Just... a lot of memories.

Well, if you need someone
to talk to, I'm here.

As a friend.

Thanks, CB.

Yeah.

My memories were of a boyfriend
I had back in the '80s.

It was hard to forget our time.

Hi, I'm Sean Marquette,
and I'm sitting here

with the real Johnny Atkins.

I want to ask about your
lifelong commitment to

the ponytail.

I started growing it in high school.

Mom wasn't real happy about it.

If I pulled it real tight

and I looked her straight in the face,

it looked like I had short hair.

"Morning, Mom. Don't
look at my profile."

- That's exactly right.
- That's great.

I hear you went dressed as
Johnny Atkins for Halloween.

Yeah, I decided to dress up
as you dressed up as me.

Turns out... really easy outfit.

You just need a Rush shirt
and some glasses like this.

What was it like growing up in
a small town, like Jenkintown?

It was great because you knew everybody,

and it was horrible because
everybody knew you.

Like having a town full of parents.

Did you really play the
saxophone in high school?

I played saxophone through
high school, through college.

Did you get chicks with the saxophone?

No.