Schooled (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Dangerous Minds - full transcript

LAINEY: My first year at William Penn,

I thought I'd really
connected with the students.

But then, over the summer,

Barry and I saw "Dangerous Minds,"

starring Michelle Pfeiffer.

There are no victims in this classroom!

Seeing that movie made me
realize I could go deeper,

really get involved with
these kids, which they need,

because they are dealing
with a lot of scary stuff.

For my second year back,

I was determined to get
all up in their business



by going full Pfeiffer.

[COOLIO'S "GANGSTA'S PARADISE" PLAYS]

- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
- _

Good. I got your attention.

Sextuplets. Six notes per measure.

Oh, yeah, we're goin' there.

- [STUDENTS GROAN]
- Oh, come on.

Welcome to Guitar 2. Any questions?

Yeah, why are you dressed
like Olivia Newton-John

at the end of "Grease"?

[LAUGHTER]

I'm not.

I'm dressed like your worst nightmare...

a teacher who cares.



[CYMBAL CRASHES, CHIMES RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

The curriculum says the
first song we're learning

is "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

[CHUCKLES]

That's not real-life stuff.

How many of you have
ever even rowed a boat?

But was it gently down a stream?

Exactly.

I want to teach music that speaks to me,

like Fiona Apple.

What song speaks to you, Bobby Maloney?

Is "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
definitely off the table?

What about you, Aaron Rubin?

"Who Let the Dogs Out"?

Ow!

Why would you throw that?!

As your prize for a great answer.

Next time, you should try
throwing it to somebody

with better hand-eye coordination.

- Like my blind grandma.
- [LAUGHTER]

Sure, Ronnie. Laugh through the pain.

But having a blind grandma sounds heavy.

If you ever want to rap about it...

Yeah, I'd like that.

It's been hard 'cause she
has to touch my face

with her weird old-lady
hands all the time.

Veronica, when parents are stressed,

sometimes, the children feel the pain.

But you're a resilient young woman.

You will get through
this kitchen remodel.

To make toast, I have to walk
all the way to the garage.

Hey, there are no victims
in this classroom.

But if you start to feel overwhelmed,

you can call me anytime
on my new mobile phone.

555-0159.

I may take you up on that.

My parents are picking out tile tonight,

and they're a mile apart.

Good luck.

Rick!

How was your summer?

I went zip-lining in Costa Rica,

and I fed fresh clams
to a capuchin monkey.

Nobody tells you what to do
when you run out of clams.

I heard you giving out your
personal phone number to a student?

This year, I decided I wanna
give these kids more.

Classic second-year-teacher mistake.

They suck you in with their
needy, little faces,

and the next thing you know,
you're at their house,

pretending to be their
butler so you can impress

some rich girl they met at soccer camp.

On the plus side,

I did learn how to make
a mean Beef Wellington.

I would totally do that.

As your mentor, I have to say

that getting too close will
end up biting you in the ass,

like a small but aggressive
monkey jonesing for clams.

♪ One of these days, you're
gonna get outta here ♪

♪ Live your life and finally be free ♪

♪ Go where you wanna go,
do what you wanna do ♪

♪ Someday, you will say
"Those were the days" ♪

Barry, guess what. I'm
walking into the hallway.

I know!

The reception is so clear!

I said it's clear.

Wait, y... Hold on. You're breaking up.

Breaking up!

No! No, no! Not us! No,
we're not breaking up!

Barry, are you crying?

- [MOBILE PHONE BEEPS]
- Mm.

This thing is a miracle.

Wow. Looks like Lainey Lewis
joined the space program

over the summer.

Barry and I got them so we can stay

in constant contact with each other.

We are crushing

the long-distance-relationship thing.

So, you guys made it through
the summer, then? Ah.

Man, that's... good.

Still going strong,
like Brad and Gwyneth.

Brad and Gwyny are Splitsville.

But they got the same haircut!

I had a pretty bitchin' summer.

I, uh, I did the whole
Renaissance Fair circuit.

I threw some pottery. Oh.

You all have some Swedish
butter pots coming, by the way.

So, where's this new teacher
we're supposed to be meeting?

I just left a bunch of
unsupervised fourth-graders

- to Clorox my gym mats.
- Oh!

Well, here she is now.

- Everyone...
- CB: Hey!

... this is our new biology
teacher, Ms. Wilma Howell.

[CHUCKLING] Hi.

I was clever enough to steal Wilma away

from my good friend the commandant

at Valley Forge Prep.

If you've never heard a Marine
colonel sobbing on the phone,

it is actually... very unsettling.

He's a good friend and
a real American hero.

What do you got there?

Treats on the first day, huh?

Oh, are these mochi balls?

Actually, mouse-y balls.

Frozen baby mice I feed
to my classroom snake.

That's... really upsetting.

It's biology. Circle of life.

Sadly, nothing'll shock these kids.

They see worse out there every day

in this snake-eat-mice world.

Do I need to put my name on this?

Uh, I think the whole
freezer's yours now.

Uh, let me get my Lean
Cuisines out of there.

What? It's how Coop keeps it tight.

Must be a culture shock, Wilma,
coming from a military school.

Well, if it helps ease
the transition at all,

please feel free to call me Colonel Fun.

Oh, by the way, Friday is Pajama Day,

and that's an order from the colonel.

- Yes!
- [MURMURING]

All you folks here are
all so, uh, cheerful

- and... nice.
- CB: Thank you.

We're actually trying to change
the official school motto

to "Hakuna Matata." [CHUCKLES]

Yes, but we're getting a
surprising amount of pushback

from Disney legal.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] I'm
just a little confused

as to what you have
to be so happy about.

Based on my classes so far,

your kids are a bunch of dum-dums.

Ooh! New teacher coming in hot!

Solid hire!

We try to steer clear

of labeling our students "dum-dums."

Yeah, we like to refer to
them as "future achievers."

That sounds like a nice way to
say "somebody else's problem."

Well, thank you.

I'm here to teach hard science,

not coddle them with pajama parties.

To be clear, the pajamas
are not for the students.

No, that's a faculty thing.

This is what I sleep in,
so I'm good to go.

Wilma, I reach my students

by getting in their faces
and into their lives.

Which is why I'm taking
them all out to Six Flags,

like Michelle Pfeiffer.

That makes absolutely no sense.

MELLOR: This is what
I've been telling her.

You drive a bunch of kids
to the amusement park,

they start to treat
you like a chauffeur.

And that's halfway to a butler.

Rick, I really appreciate all
the help you gave me last year,

when I was a newbie.

It was adorable how pathetic you were.

She was like Bambi in that scene

where he's slipping on
the ice. [CHUCKLES]

Bambi. Clumsy idiot.

Yeah, but I'm not slipping now,

and I don't need a mentor anymore.

Well, as your mentor, I'd have
to advise against that decision.

From now on, I want to
chart my own course...

by being exactly like Michelle Pfeiffer.

You mean like one of those teachers

that's always there for their students

when they have no one else to turn to?

Plus, her bone structure.
The woman is flawless.

♪

It turns out taking 30
kids to Six Flags...

- 'Scuse us.
- ... was prohibitively expensive.

- So sorry.
- Popcorn run.

I settled on a more
manageable class outing.

[MOBILE PHONE RINGS]

[MOBILE PHONE BEEPS]

Barry, guess where
you're calling me now.

I'm in a movie theater. [LAUGHS]

Shhhhh!

Wait, who is this?

Let me step outside.

Yeah, I'm speaking on a mobile
phone, so I can go anywhere.

MAN: Please do!

Who am I talking to?

MAN: This is WYSP 94.1
on your radio dial.

Your name was chosen at
random to win tickets

to see Fiona Apple tonight
at the Trocadero.

Congratulations!

Oh, my God.

Are you serious? I love Fiona Apple.

Bring a guitar, because you're invited

to jam with Fiona before the show.

Just go to her tour bus and say

"I'm ready for my Apple jam."

And be persistent.

Security may not be familiar
with your contest prize.

Thank you so much.

I literally can die now. [CHUCKLES]

Or at least after Fiona
and I become best friends

- and record a live album at Red Rocks.
- [MOBILE PHONE BEEPS]

By the way, Lainey Lewis.

Rock star by night, teacher star by day.

♪

Oh, crap! I forgot about the kids!

LAINEY: Over the next
few days, CB saw more of

Wilma Howell's teaching style

and found he didn't quite like it.

What is going on?

That new biology teacher's punishing us.

I couldn't explain how
the human heart works.

But who amongst us can?

Everybody in there.

Okay, you clowns are dismissed.

Go disappoint some other teacher.

[SIGHS] I know you meant
"clown" as an insult, Wilma,

but as a graduate of Barnum
& Bailey University,

I take that as the
highest of compliments,

so... thank you very much.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Tom Scott. What are you up to, man?

He's not allowed to leave

until he puts that
skeleton back together.

I got a C-minus on my anatomy test.

That Operation game is very misleading.

You don't think you're being
a little bit too harsh?

If anything, I'm getting soft.

My last C-minus kid is that skeleton.

Am I any closer, Ms. Howell?

Tom, you've seen a person before, right?

Well, yeah, but only with skin on.

I've worked with your kind
at other schools, CB.

You're the "fun" teacher.

Hey, if the students are having fun,

they don't even notice they're learning.

Because maybe they're not.

I'm less worried about entertaining them

than making sure they're
ready to go out into a world

that's not in the mood
to cut them any slack.

Ms. Howell?

I don't have my report on
the circulatory system.

It's been a tough week.

My... parakeet died.

We had a memorial in the English class.

We lit candles and we
sang "On Eagle's Wings."

And I made a clever
adjustment of the lyrics.

Yeah, we can all picture
what that adjust...

I made it "parakeet wings."

[CHUCKLES]

This must be a painful
time for you, Debra.

I'll need you to bring me
in the dead bird, please.

- What?!
- What kind of child

would lie about a dead pet

just to get out of an assignment?

All of them.

Worst-case scenario... I'm wrong,

Debra brings in the bird, I apologize,

and we have a really cool
specimen to dissect in class.

Either the bird or your assignment

on my desk tomorrow.

- Your call.
- [SCOFFS]

This is so unfair!

See? She gets it.

[SIGHS]

I can't believe I fell for it.

I'm standing there
with my stupid guitar,

like a crazy stalker, pounding
on Fiona Apple's tour bus,

when suddenly, I get dragged
off by her security team.

If they don't call themselves
the "Apple Corps,"

they are missing a bet.

This cruel but ingenious prank

was obviously perpetrated by
one of your jerk-dip students.

She's doling out her number

like a teacher who paints
houses on the weekend. Oh.

That actually reminds me.

I gave my number to one kid.

And by now, it's being
spread all over the school

like head lice.

You need to figure out who did this

and come down on them
like a ton of bricks.

If anything, I'm gonna come down on them

with a ton of understanding
and compassion.

You crossed a boundary with these kids,

and you lost their respect.

Yes, and loss of respect
is no laughing matter.

[CHUCKLES] Unless you're the
brilliant Rodney Dangerfield.

But even then, I can sense

a certain amount of pain
behind the laughter.

This is exactly when a
mentor comes in handy.

When you finally come
to your senses, Lewis,

I'm perfectly willing to be begged.

For the record, I think it's
great that Lainey wants

to be more open and
trusting with the kids.

I refuse to see the world as
some dark Darwinian hellscape

where the freezers are packed
full of dead baby mice

that are easily mistaken
for popcorn shrimp.

CB accidentally ate one shrimp-mouse,

and now, all of a sudden,
he has a grudge against Wilma.

She's outrageously strict
with her students, John.

She's also an outrageously
great teacher, CB.

MAN: Just go to her tour bus

and say "I'm ready for my Apple jam."

LAINEY: Wait. That's the radio guy.

Were you in on it? Coop, what the hell?!

No! All I did was confiscate
this Talkboy thingie

from Aaron Rubin in my Spanish class

'cause he kept making
it say "sacapuntas."

- What does that mean?
- "Pencil sharpener."

Ohh. Such a beautiful language.

It was Aaron Rubin?

Do you want me to call
him into my office?

I've been practicing my
looks of stern disapproval.

CB: Are you doing it now?

'Cause it actually looks friendlier.

I am cursed with my
grandmother's kind eyes.

I don't want to punish Aaron.

He's having trouble making
high-school friends.

That's why he acted out.

I'm gonna sit him down and
figure out what's going on

inside that dangerous mind of his.

He's always been an awkward kid.

Yeah, he has the body of a child

and the head of someone
trying to sell you insurance.

♪

Aaron! Word's out!

Ms. Lewis knows you pranked her!

But it's weird.

She hasn't called my parents,
no principal's office,

and get this... when I
saw her this morning,

she said, [HIGH-PITCHED] "Hi, Aaron."

She's just messing with
you before she strikes.

Just like that snake
in Ms. Howell's class

plays with the mouse before eating it.

Hi, Aaron. Can I see you for a minute?

[NORMAL VOICE] Me and Bobby are
actually in the middle of a...

We'll finish that up later, buddy.

Hey, Rick? You wanted to see me?

No, Coop. You wanted to see me.

"Coop, come see me. Mellor."

And you are gonna be delighted
that you decided to stop by.

Again, not my idea.

You see, the thing is,
I currently have an opening

in my stable of mentees.

Y-Your stable of what?

I'm mentoring you, man! Congratulations!

See, currently, as a Spanish teacher,

you are just bueno.

But I can help you up your game

until you are el professor excelente.

Oh, I see. You're looking
for a rebound mentee

because Lainey Lewis dumped you.

I've had my eye on you for years.

You got a lot of raw talent
just waiting to be molded.

For example, let's take a look
at your current class formation.

Now, you got a lot of
your weaker students

riding the bench in the back.

I say you move them down to the middle,

and you flank them on both sides

with some of your varsity
Spanish speakers.

For example, like that exchange
student from "Barthelona."

That kid is a friggin' natural.

You build your offense around him,

and then you blitz these scrubs nonstop

with the "¿Cómo estás?"
and the "¿Cómo te llamas?"

And you ride this kid all
the way to the postseason.

That'd be summer school.

I'm gonna be on a cruise with my family.

Well, if you don't want it,
I can't want it for you.

Yeah, I don't want it.

You'll be back!

So, listen, we both know

what went down with the
Fiona Apple prank.

I hate to see a good kid
getting hooked on pranks.

You're sweating, Aaron.
You want a Snapple?

Yeah, right! I see what
you're trying to do.

There's Tabasco sauce in there. Or wizz.

Trust me... I have no
intention of pranking you.

That's exactly what you would say

if you were going to prank me.

But it's also what I'd say if I wasn't.

I get it... you're in high school now,

and you're feeling lost socially.

You want to know what I turned to

to find my way as an awkward teen?

Grab that guitar.

Let me show you a couple chords.

What'd you do? You replace
the strings with razor wire

so when I strum it,
I slice off my fingertips?

What would I want with
your severed fingertips?

You'd wear them to commit crimes,

and then I'd get framed for it.

Well, nice try!

I'm outta here!

Aaron!

[SIGHS]

Hey, Aaron.

I heard about that prank
you played on Ms. Lewis.

- That was epic.
- Really?

How'd you even dream up something
like that fake deejay thing?

I would have just
wizzed in her beverage.

I saw an opportunity, and
like most things in life,

it's about timing and who you know.

Totally.

Well, listen, me and the
guys are gonna head out

to see that movie "American Pie."

You wanna come?

Oh, my God!

Me, go with you guys to a movie

that's rated "R" for language
and adult situations?

I'm in!

Actually, Ronnie, instead
of going to the movie,

why don't you go [BLEEP] yourself?

Whoa!

You're clearly in cahoots
with Ms. Lewis.

No idea what you're talking about...

or... what "cahoots" means.

Whatever, weirdo.

Hey, you want to catch
"American Pie" with us, nerd?

See you 'round, Aaron.

Wait. What?

I blew my chance to
hang with the seniors?

I tried to tell you...
there was no prank.

So I pranked myself.

And the most ingenious part...
I never saw it coming.

This is all your fault!

You giving around your number

and trying to get in everybody's lives?

What kind of teacher does that?

It's too weird!

I kept waiting for you to punish
me, like a normal teacher.

I don't wanna punish you.
I want to help you.

Well, if you wanna help me,

just leave me alone.

♪

Okay. Wilma Howell has
gone nuts this time.

She's keeping her whole
class after school

as some kind of a group punishment.

Standing out there on the
football field. Look at that.

I'm sure she has her reasons.

Maybe someone smacked their gum.

In fairness, that is also
a pet peeve of mine.

Well, your pet peeve better not die,

or she'll make you dig it
up and bring it to class.

Okay, fine. I will go out
and have a talk with her.

I can always use another
entry into my cloud journal.

Oh, you have a cloud journal?

GLASCOTT: Wilma, is
there some good reason

that you have your whole class out here?

[CHUCKLES] And trust me, no one enjoys

pointlessly staring at
the sky more than I do.

Whoa! Look at that one, CB.

It looks like Pat Sajak
riding a dolphin.

We'll just be a little longer, John.

Well, you have poor
Debbie O'Donahue out here

in the direct sunlight.

That pale child will burn
standing next to a light bulb.

Yeah, hasn't Debra been through enough,

after forcing her to
exhume her parakeet?

Look, I've been hearing
some troubling things

about your teaching methods.

Full disclosure... mostly from me.

But also from credible sources.

Actually, I was lying about my parakeet.

- What?!
- Why did you lie?

To get out of my assignment.

Diane Para-keaton is very much alive.

Well, we're happy for you and the bird

but sad you felt you had to mislead us.

But Ms. Howell wasn't fooled.

She saw right through
me and called me on it.

So I did my report, and I got a B-plus.

You earned a B-plus.

I am very sorry, Wilma.

You were right and I
was wrong about Debra.

That said, I would hold 100
fake dead pet memorials

if it meant truly being there
for one grieving student.

The service you held for my tetra fish

was deeply moving.

Well, you said he needed
a Viking funeral,

so we shot a bunch of
tiny flaming arrows

at an empty matchbox.

No, Quentin Tetra-tino
was really in there.

He died from endocrine failure.

[VOICE BREAKING] It was very painful.

Oh, that's great!

There you go, CB... your one out of 100

that wasn't yanking your chain.

Well, my takeaway here is that we have

a lot of excellent
teachers at William Penn

with different approaches to teaching.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

And if you stop by my class on Tuesday,

you'll see two of them.

Okay.

Uh, one other question...

why do you have your whole
class out here for punishment?

Oh, it's not a punishment.
It's a reward.

This class has been doing exemplary work

in our section on the monarch butterfly.

Look! Coming from the trees!

[STUDENTS GASP]

CB: Oh, my God!

That's amazing!

It's so beautiful.

I don't mind that it's
covering up Pat Sajak.

♪

Hey, Rick, you seeing this?

It's like a butterfly wonderland.

Ah, the annual monarch
migration down to México.

Your old stomping grounds, señor.

Nope. I'm from Toronto.

But it's a shame they're flying
out of the sun like that.

Makes it harder to see.

Here. Try this.

Oh.

Much better. Thanks.

You've just been mentored.

Welcome aboard.

♪

This is a transcendent moment.

Thanks for sharing it, Wilma.

WILMA: Seems like the kind of occasion

where some artsy type might
want to recite a poem.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Come, my lady. Come, come, my lady.

You're my butterfly. Sugar. Baby.

Come, my lady. You're my pretty baby.

You're my butterfly...

Uh, okay. Maybe we should wrap this up.

One more minute. You don't
want to miss the best part.

The best part? How can it
get any better than...

The crows!

- [CROWS CAWING]
- Good Lord!

They're eating the butterflies!

Awesome!

I'm really starting to
come around on these kids.

You got a nice school here, John.

[MOBILE PHONE RINGS]

- [MOBILE PHONE BEEPS]
- Barry?

Ms. Lewis? I-It's Aaron Rubin.

Aaron? What's going on?

Did I win another contest?

- No. I'm in trouble.
- What kind of trouble?

I got caught sneaking in
to see "American Pie."

And you called me?

My mom and dad would kill me!

In fact, you're the only adult
I could think of to call.

- You just want to help me, right?
- More than anything.

- Hang tight. I'll be right there.
- [MOBILE PHONE BEEPS]

I know what you're going to say,
Rick. I'm making a mistake,

and I'm going to end
up that kid's butler,

but I don't care.

Aaron reached out, and I'm
going to be there for him.

So prepare that Beef Wellington recipe.

Actually, I'm impressed, Lewis.

24 hours ago, that kid set
out to humiliate you,

and he did so in spectacular fashion.

Well, that's in the past.

Everybody's still talking about it.

But you handled it your way.

And now Aaron is coming to you

as the person he trusts the most.

- That's huge.
- You think?

Look, I put a lot of work

into maintaining the godlike status

I have with these students,

but it comes at a price.

I don't connect to them the way you do.

Maybe the second-year teacher
can teach me something.

Well, I had an excellent mentor.

That's nice, but you can't come back.

Coop already took your place.

[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

[RAPPING] ♪ Come, my lady ♪

LAINEY: It was a whole
new year at William Penn.

Was I as cool as Michelle Pfeiffer?

No.

Was I the teacher I wanted to be yet?

No. But I was on my way.

♪ You're my pretty baby ♪

♪ I'll make your legs shake,
you make me go crazy ♪

♪ Come, my lady, come, come, my lady ♪

And I had a lot of
wonderful teachers around

to act as role models,

each of us with our own
way of doing things.

But we all had the same goal...

... being there when the
kids needed us most.

The great thing about cloud journaling

is that every interpretation is valid.

That one kind of looks like a manatee.

Nope.

You're wrong. You're way off.

That's clearly Bob Barker
putting on a sock.

I notice you tend to see a
lot of game-show hosts.

That's not the Bob Barker who
hosts some tacky game show.

That's the Bob Barker who
tirelessly advocates

spaying and neutering your pets.

[CHUCKLING] Hey, look, a butterfly.

Wrong again.

You're not good at this.

No, over there. You see?

It's an actual monarch butterfly.

Aw. Sweet little guy.

He's on his way to meet his friends

on their journey to Mexico.

- iVaya con Dios, amigo!
- [CROW CAWING]

Uh-oh! Crow!

Fly away, little buddy!

Use some evasive maneuvers!

- Do a loopty-loop!
- [CAWING CONTINUES]

- Ohh. Ohh!
- Do...

He neither looptied nor looped.

Okay, I-I'm... I'm done.
I'm done. I'm done.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, look!

That one looks like Alex
Trebek on a snowmobile!