Schooled (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Lainey's All That - full transcript

The '90s was the heyday
of teen rom coms,

and the greatest of all was
"She's All That,"

a classic tale of the popular guy

who bets he can turn a girl
from geek to chic.

And as a teacher,

I had to check it out
to stay up with the kids.

"May I present the new,

not improved, but different...

Laney Boggs."

♪ Swing, swing ♪

♪ Swing the spinning step ♪



♪ You wear those shoes ♪

♪ And I will wear that dress, oh ♪

I may have checked it out
more than once,

but less than 19 times.

- Am I a bet?
- "Am I a bet?"

- Am I a bet?
- "Am I a bet?"

"Am I a [bleep] bet?!"

Turns out watching it over and over

came in pretty handy at school.

Hey, bro, check out Harriet.

Does she know half that Go-GURT
is on her face?

With a new look
and the right guy on her arm,

she could be as popular
as any girl at this school.

I'll make that bet.



- Hey! You stop doing what you're doing.
- What?

You're plotting to
she's-all-that the weird girl.

Um, I don't think

you're supposed to
call the students "weird."

Look, it works out in the movies.

But in real life, it is just wrong.

And, uh, what makes you the expert?

Years before the movie ever existed,

I made a bet that I could
she's-all-that a guy

- right here at William Penn.
- Whoa.

His name was Barry Goldberg.

He was emotionally out of control...

...he rapped the most un-fresh lyrics...

♪ Big Tasty wants to take you ♪

♪ On a boat ride ♪

...and he ran with his arms
flowing behind him.

This isn't fair!

What happened?

Before he finished high school,

we were engaged.

I don't want to get engaged.

When you she's-all-that someone,

there is no telling what could happen.

Take a long look at that
Go-GURT-slurping weirdo.

You really want to spend
the rest of your life with her?

Wazzup?

You got something on your chin?

- Oh, I do?
- Yeah.

It's to the left on your cheek.

♪ Someday, you will say
"Those were the days" ♪

It was January 16, 1990-something,

and I still had a lot to learn
in my new job,

but the one thing I knew
was every school in the world

had exactly the same kind of teachers,

like Ms. Cinoman,

the classic overly dramatic
drama teacher...

Your soul, your breath, your skin

yearn for Juliet!

I need a minute.
I've worked myself up again.

...and Mr. Crosby,

the intense eight-fingered
wood shop teacher...

These nubs are a reminder

of just how dangerous wood shop can be.

...and then there was CB,

the young, hip "super teacher"
that all the kids loved.

Whoo!

Pshhht!

What are you doing?

I have a unique handshake
with each of the kids.

Makes them feel special,
and makes me feel...

and makes...

Okay, let's learn!

And so far, I was the newbie

none of the other teachers respected.

Hey, Susan.

I saw you still need some help

with the Beautification Club.

Sign me up.

Wow.

Well, manis and pedis
courtesy of the PTA?

- I mean, who wouldn't jump on that?
- Oh.

The Beautification Club
spends every Saturday

cleaning up the local parks.

Ew.

I mean, my weekend is jammed.

More dirty needles for Susan.

I could help you, Susan.

Oh, thanks, CB. You're the best.

Meneh-meneh-meh-meh-meh.

But I knew if they just got to know me,

I could change all that.

It wasn't easy.

Hey, who wants to go to the caf

and grab some fish sticks?

Pretty sweet that teachers
eat for free, am I right?

Teachers do not eat for free.

You've just been grabbing food
without paying?

No.

She was a crap student.

Now she's a crap teacher.

I give her three weeks, tops.

I can turn her around. It's what I do.

I mold young minds,

and I'm guessing hers is pretty soft.

You're great with kids, CB,
but this is different.

Lainey's generally disappointing.

You wanna bet?

I know for a fact

that I can transform her
into a good teacher.

- Name your price.
- Discman.

One of those fancy kinds

that can handle light splashing.

- I listen in the tub.
- You're on.

- It's my nubs, isn't it?
- I don't...

Say it. Say it's my nubs.

It's not... It's not your nubs.

While CB was making his bet,

Glascott was overseeing
the dance decorating committee.

How much longer, John?

My dodge balls are precisely inflated

for maximum sting.

Every moment counts.

Okay, Coach, just a second.

All right, kids,

let us delight in the magic of helium.

Launch the balloon arch!

Look at her fly...

away.

Okay, okay,

that is why we do a dry run, people.

All right, let's take five.

Ah, that's my bad.

Got distracted
talking to Lana Eisenstein.

Ooh, see, I told you, Tom Scott.

Joining the decorating committee

was a great way to
break the ice with Lana.

Yeah.

This guy is helping you score a date?

Oh, no, not yet.

But in time.

As the man says,
"The slowest moving storms..."

- Create the most destruction.
- "...create the most destruction."

It's not a perfect metaphor,
but it gets the point across.

If your point is failure.

- Eisenstein plays the tuba, right?
- Like an angel.

Next band practice,
I want you to take her tuba,

I want you to lift it in the air,

and I want you to say,

"Hey, let's go to the dance together."

Lifting something

is not gonna get him a date to a dance.

Of course it will!

You lift with your core.

At the center of your core
is your heart,

AKA, the love muscle.

The lift showcases
the strength of said muscle.

Everything you just said is dumb.

Go tie down that arch, slow storm.

- John.
- Oh, Ms. Fleming.

What a beautiful broach you're wearing.

Thank you, it's a seashell
meant to look like my uterus.

Mm-hmm.

Um, I've asked custodial three times

for a broom and a dust pan.

My Young Feminists Club is
screening "Thelma & Louise,"

and when those ladies
fly off that cliff,

the popcorn will fly, too.

Okay, well, I will ride a broom
to you myself.

I mean, bring a broom.

I don't ride brooms.

- But witches do!
- Okay.

You're hot for Liz Fleming.

Me?! No!

Did it seem that way?

I'm not. Why would you ask?

Is my nose sweating?

All noses sweat!

Well, what are you waiting for?

Ask the lady out, Don Ho!

I'm gonna assume you meant Don Juan,

and, no, I would never
date a teacher here.

Like any good principal,

I check my life at the flagpole.

That's my code.

John, as your friend,

I have to tell you

that your code is a load of crap

and will only make your sad life sadder.

Well, as your friend,

I have to tell you
that your life is equally sad

and we're actually just co-workers.

I feel pain like a regular man, John.

Okay, look.
I'm not asking out Liz. Ever.

But if you want to help out,

you can take her a broom and dust pan.

Time me.

Hey, Liz, just doing
my good friend a favor

and bringing you
some cleaning implements.

Look at you lift that all by yourself.

- I mean, let me help you.
- I got it.

I needed the workout anyway.

You believe in physical fitness?

Yeah, this morning was wall-sits,

tuck-jumps, and frog squats.

Frog squats?

That's my favorite
lower-body calisthenic.

Okay, well, not to push you out,

but I do need to look over

this season's track schedule.

You're coaching track now?

Yeah, I gave up coaching
a few years ago,

but, uh, I've missed it, you know?

Know?

Without coaching, I'd have nothing.

I mean, literally nothing.

Oh, I have a very full life.

I love the competition,

but my real passion
is molding girls into women.

I feel the same passion about boys!

I mean men!

Molding. Coaching.

Is my nose sweating?

No more than the rest of you.

While Coach was suddenly
falling for one teacher,

I was about to get tricked by another.

Oh, well, if it isn't
Teacher of the Year.

Look, I see that you're
struggling to fit in,

and I think I can help, okay?

I know what it's like to be new.

So I just want to help.

Fine.

What's your big advice?

If you want their respect,

you have to show them that you care.

Get involved. Reach out to a kid.

Oh, I care! I'm a caring nightmare!

I'll bet you right now
I can help some kid.

- Don't want to bet.
- Loser buys the other a Discman.

Is there something about
Discmans that I'm not getting?

- Just give me the motivation!
- Fine.

I bet you can't

make a difference in a kid's life.

You're on, assface.

I know just the kid.

I'm going to the dance with Lana!

Nice, Tom Scott!

I told you taking it slow would work.

Totally.

Also, this morning,
I lifted her tuba and said,

"We should go to the dance together."

Oh, wait, so you took
the coach's advice?

And it worked.

Although I farted
when I lifted the tuba,

but Lana was too nice to say anything.

Wow. I can't believe it.

Oh, yeah, me neither.

It was a real dooze.

You know, the best part is,

for the first time
since I've been at this school,

I, uh... I don't feel so lonely.

I want love in my life like Tom Scott.

Give me some dumb advice

- so that I can date Liz Fleming.
- No, you were right.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

You're the one who helped Tom.

But your dumb words
put him over the top.

As your friend, I need to remind you,

you have a code,

and that is that you check
your life at the flagpole.

Forget Fleming.

Why do you have that play drawn up

with X's and hearts
instead of X's and O's?

Wait.

You like Liz Fleming now?

Well, I didn't intend
for this to happen,

but when she wrapped her bird-like arms

around that filing cabinet,

she didn't just lift
a piece of furniture.

She... lifted my heart!

Then game on, as they say.

You don't say that. I say that!

Well, I say it now, too.

- Game on!
- You're not saying it right.

It's "game on!"

I'm gonna make it my own.

- Game on!
- Game on!

- Game on!
- Game on!

Game on! On, on, on, on, on!

While Mellor and Glascott
tore each other down...

Aah!

...I was eager to build up
Harriet's confidence.

So, I sense you'd like more
from your life at school.

Am I right?

Well, sure. That would be good.

Well, I pulled your file,

and I see you're on the debate team,

but you never compete.

Sounds like a lack of confidence.

- And that's just...
- I want a makeover!

What's that?

New hair, new shoes, new clothes...

that's the kind of "more" I want.

Listen, I hear what you're saying,

but I've got a plan
to turn you into a superstar

that's way more
than just a new pair of shoes.

And your jacket...

I want that jacket.

And I want it off your body
so it has your musk.

Okay, that's good. And strange.

But you're telling me what you want.

- I like it.
- You do?

Yes.

You know what happens sometimes

when you only change
what's on the outside?

It makes you feel
damn good on the inside!

- We're doing a makeover!
- Yes!

Just like that,

I had the perfect way
to show off to my peers

and finally earn their respect.

I'm sure you're all wondering
why I've called you here.

It's come to my attention
that I don't have your respect

because some of you don't think
I'm a very good teacher.

- It's all of us.
- Well...

then you're about to owe me an apology

because I am about to turn

Harriet Tubman's life around.

Oh, I don't know her last name,

but I'm sure it's not Tubman.

Introducing the new,

not improved but different,

Harriet Tubman!

Stop saying Tubman.

♪ Kiss me ♪

♪ Out of the bearded barley ♪

♪ Nightly ♪

♪ Beside the green, green grass ♪

♪ Swing, swing ♪

♪ Swing the spinning step ♪

♪ You wear those shoes ♪

♪ And I will... ♪

Ooh!

Wh-What, um, what... uh...

- Wh-what's ha... What's happening here?
- I'm inspiring a student.

- To be more shallow?
- To be more confident!

- Rubba-dub-dub, like my jams in the tub.
- Okay.

Look, I'm just getting started here.

Besides, people are gonna notice

Harriet's new attitude
more than anything.

Holy crap!

Harriet looks like an MTV VJ!

I have play practice after school,

but I'd skip it

if you could make my boobs
look like that.

You're the lead. You cannot skip.

Forget the play!

- I want boobs!
- All right, you know what?

- As long as I'm at this school...
- Please, I...

- ...you won't have boobs.
- Please, please.

Okay, I see how this might not
be helping my case.

You she's-all-that'd a student.

You're a teacher, not a stylist.

You know what? I am done with this.

I deserve your respect.

And if you can't see that,
well, then, you're all just a bunch

of crusty, old dill holes.

Dill hole?

Just...

Rubba-dub-dub.

I had failed to win the teachers over,

but CB still had his bet with Crosby,

and he wasn't about to lose.

Again, it's not free, so...

Everybody does it.

Look. I just wanted to apologize.

I was too harsh yesterday,

and if you're interested,
I'd still like to help.

- Why?
- Simple.

I really do believe in you, Lainey.

You actually mean that?

Of course I do! Yes!

So where do we start?

Teach me to teach. I'm ready.

Okay, to get the teachers' respect,

you have to prove to them

that you can reach the kids.

Now, to do that,
you have to be creative...

...and potentially...

daring.

Now let the show begin.

Uh, "show"?

As Fire Marshal Bill says,

"One theme in Shakespeare's 'King Lear'

is the lack of justice
in a cruel world."

Please never do that again.

Once she's through the looking glass,

Alice's world is literally
turned upside down.

Your face is very red. I'm concerned.

So, that flute is yours now.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

I want to be a better teacher,

not the warm-up act
at a carnival freak show.

I'm just trying to encourage you

to think outside the box and have fun.

Gah, this is hopeless!

Look, there might be an easier way.

Listening.

Okay, you're dressed like
a teenager going to the mall.

Teachers, they can be just as shallow

as the students,

and appearances... they matter.

Yes, yes!
I'll do the easy shallow thing.

Then we're doing a make-under!

♪ Oh, kiss me ♪

♪ Beneath the milky twilight ♪

♪ Lead me ♪

♪ Out on the moonlit floor ♪

♪ Lift your open hand ♪

♪ Strike up the band
and make the fireflies dance ♪

♪ Silver moon's sparkling ♪

Susan, still need help advising
the Beautification Club?

- ♪ So kiss me ♪
- Yes! That'd be great.

Excellent. Then, on Saturday,

I will put these garbage hands to work.

Oh, terrific, Lainey.
Okay, I'll see you at 5:00 a.m.

Huh?

Signing up for Suzie's club. Nice touch.

Thanks for believing in me.

You're the first person here who has.

Oh, and as Fire Marshall Bill
would say...

"Thanks so much!

- Heh, heh, heh!"
- Don't do that.

Yeah, that was not great.

CB was feeling rotten

about winning his bet
to make me a real teacher.

Meanwhile, Principal Glascott

was about to learn
he was losing to Coach.

He's on the sports field!

- Frog squats work best...
- Liz!

- ...when you pause here.
- Guys! Hey!

What's up?

John, are you all right?

- Hi.
- Okay.

I'm gonna get you some water.

Well, look who's...

concerned about...

...my hydration.

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

I asked Liz if she needed help

with the shot-putters
and the discus throwers,

and she was ecstatic.

So you're helping her with track.

- Big deal.
- It is.

But you know what the biggest deal is?

Tonight at the dance,

Liz and I are working the punch bowl.

- And?
- Poor John.

You've checked your life
at the flagpole for so long,

you don't even know
about punch bowl babies.

This is definitely not a thing.

1975, Howard and Dirksen
worked the bowl...

baby!

'82, Edsall and Muransky... baby!

1985, Guarascio and Secunda,

a beautiful adopted Chinese baby!

- Coincidence.
- There's magic in that punch,

and Liz and I will share
its sweet nectar.

"Game on" will be game over.

In the battle for Liz Fleming's heart,

Coach had pulled way ahead.

Meanwhile, Crosby was ready
to admit defeat.

Here's your Discman.

These things are very expensive.

Ah, we're teachers.

Everything's expensive to us.

Statistics are undeniable,
and the evidence is clear.

In conclusion, the chair is life.

Harriet is crushing it.

I don't even believe
in capital punishment,

but this has got me thinkin'.

She's like a different person.

You mean a confident person?

The winner is...

...Harriet Jones!

Oh, my God! Yes!

I did it! I did it!

Okay, you're right.
Her name's not Tubman.

But I was right, too.
The makeover worked.

You didn't need me at all.

You knew what you were doing all along.

Well, either way,

it still felt great to have
one person who believed in me.

Um, yeah, about that...

Boo-yeah! I won. I did it. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
you don't still owe me a Discman.

I won our bet, so gimme.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not your Discman.

- That's mine.
- What?

You just admitted
that she was a good teacher,

which makes our bet null and void.

What's he talking about?
Why is he pawing at my Discman?

- Gimme!
- He made a bet

that he could change you
from a lousy teacher

into one of us.

But you were already one of us.

So... gimme!

Wait, so while I was just
she's-all-that'ing Harriet,

were you really just
she's-all-that'ing me?

Am I a bet?

Am I a friggin' bet?!

- You were she's-all-that'ing me?
- Uh-oh.

Am I a bet?

Am I a friggin' bet?!

It started as a bet, but I
really believe in you. I do.

You do?

Of course.

And now everyone else does, too,
because you killed it today.

That was all you.

I think all that stuff about you.

Not now, CB!

I'm sorry, Harriet. I-I really am.

Don't be.

I just won my first debate,

and I'm going to the dance,

and I look hot!

You can bet about me anytime.

Oh.

Wow.

That was not like the movie.

You know what?

Everyone thinks you're
this great super teacher.

Well, I think you're just a jerk.

And you dressed me up
like Mrs. Doubtfire!

You're a monster!

It was the night of the big dance,

and Coach had finally secured his date

at the punch bowl
along with Liz Fleming.

Punch has a sweet aroma,
don't you think?

I don't like men telling me
how to perceive the world.

But, yeah, I love that tutti-frutti.

Well, looks like
you two could use a hand.

Or should I say a "ladle"?

My lord, that's the biggest
ladle I've ever seen.

Yes, it's forged with German steel

and does the work of two men.

So, Coach, you can go. I got this.

Everyone knows ladling is about speed.

See, it's, uh...

Rapid fire... that's the key.

See this?

Look at all the punch

in my big, German engineered spoon.

Check this out.

Okay, I don't know why you guys

are ramming your heads together

like two bighorn sheep,
but I'm stepping out of here.

What is your problem?

My problem is my so-called friend

told me to ask out Fleming

before he tried to steal her!

You said you'd never, ever ask her out

and that your so-called friend

was just your co-worker!

Actually, "co-worker" isn't quite right.

What you really are is my underling.

Rick Mellor is under no man and no ling.

Call it what you want,
but I'm your boss.

And your boss needs you to patrol

outside the school tonight.

You're kicking me out?

Here's a walkie-talkie

just in case you get lost in the woods.

I guess one thing's for sure.

We really aren't friends after all.

Glascott's victory felt hollow,

and Coach discovered

he wasn't the only one feeling defeated.

Tom Scott?
What are you doing out here, son?

I need Principal Glascott.

Tom Scott's asking for you.

Drop the ladle
and step away from the punch!

Switch it up! I'm coming in! Yeah!

No, I need both of you!

Ah, damn it!

I mean, sure, Tom Scott.

Follow me.

Tom Scott, what are you doing?

- Your date's inside waiting.
- She's not my date.

Lana said she just wants to be friends.

Ah, it's not so bad.

Girlfriends come and go, but a friend?

That's forever.

If the friendship's real.

Coach is right.

Friendship means more than anything,

even if sometimes we forget that.

Yeah, us guys can get so caught up

in romance and school dances

that we lose sight of that.

And who knows?

Maybe one day
you'll grow into good friends.

Or close friends.

- Or even best friends.
- Or lovers.

- No. That's too much.
- That's too far.

Why don't you go on inside?

- Come on. Okay.
- Thanks. You guys are the best.

Sorry for everything, Coach.

Ah, me, too.

And as far as Liz Fleming is concerned,

I'm bowing out.

I am, too.

Some things are more important.

Thanks, John.

♪ Kiss me ♪

♪ Out of the bearded barley ♪

♪ Nightly ♪

♪ Beside the green, green grass ♪

- I sucked, too.
- What?

When I started teaching,
I was nervous and insecure.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I was wrong about you, Lainey.

You get these kids

way more than I did when I started.

Thank you for that.

And if I can grow into this
amazing molder of young minds

you see before you,

who knows how great of a teacher
you can be.

So, are we good?

- ♪ Strike up the band ♪
- Yeah.

♪ And make the fireflies dance ♪

♪ Silver moon's sparkling ♪

Everyone wants to fit in...

- ...and be respected.
- ♪ So kiss me ♪

But that day, I realized
you can't be your best

unless you have confidence in yourself

and trust your instincts.

And that is how I finally figured out

exactly the kind of teacher I would be.

Hello, everybody, I'm sitting
here with the real, actual C.B.

What's the greatest thing
about being a teacher?

Getting to be involved in kids' lives

and just seeing them grow.

How did you make learning fun?

I make sure that the kids know
that I love them.

- Yeah.
- So that when I scream at them,

they still know that I love them,

and I find that that works, so...

That's really manipulative,
and I love it.

Did you do impressions, or like...?

Well, I don't know, pilgrim.

We can end it at that.

Has there ever been a student

that has become a teacher?

Rick Mellor was a student

and came back to be a teacher.

- Can you break-dance?
- Yeah.

In my day. Now my arms would fall off.

Got to go like this.

Okay, yeah. No, that'll work.

- Grab your foot.
- Yeah.

- And then you jump over it.
- Oh, my God.

So, yeah. You just do that.

Whoa!

That's really impressive.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com