Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Premiere - full transcript

As your publicist,

it is my job to optimize
a branded approach

to real-time engagement
with your fanbase

through contextual marketing.

I hope I'm not paying you
by the word.

Which is why I came up
with the ideation

for the following idea.

"Crows."

"Movie."

"Premiere?!"
They're doing a premiere?

I thought it was streaming
on Interflix?



Where are they
thinking? I.? New York?

London might be central
for the Bosnian team.

No, they're not doing
a premiere.

Alexis, your flip-chart says
"premiere."

Okay, will you let me finish
what I'm trying say?

What're you trying to say?

I'm sorry, why are you even
involved in this conversation?

- What is it, Alexis?!
- Oh my God, okay!

So I thought because they're
not throwing a premiere,

we could plan a premiere
screening here in town.

Could be like a cute
press angle.

Oh, sure, for a scrappy
little novice,

but not for someone
who's cut many a crimson rug.

What's next, I sign my name
in the pavement



outside Bob's Garage?

Jocelyn gives you an
honourary degree at her school?

Host the Met Ga-la
at David's store?

I don't like that one.

No, I have like big plans
for an immersive experience.

Ronnie said that she can find
a red carpet,

and Roland has a guy
who rents out live crows.

I think we should take
the lead from Interflix.

I cannot stop the masses from
gathering to view the film,

but best... best to avoid
any fulsome indecorum

until we're assured
a positive reaction.

Remember that "Waterworld II"
premiere?

Exactly, David. Oh, the last
place anyone wanted to be

when those reviews came in

was a glass-bottomed pirate ship

in the middle of the ocean.
Mm.

- Good luck though.
- Lick rust! Thank you!

*SCHITT's CREEK*
Season 06 Episode 05

*SCHITT's CREEK*
Episode Title: "The Premiere"

Can't thank you enough
for driving today, Stevie.

I don't know what is going on
with my car.

I do. It's a death trap that
needs to be set on fire

and pushed off a cliff.

Well, I'd love to say I had
a choice in the matter,

but according to David,

driving his fiancé to go
get his wisdom teeth out

is totally within my maid-of
honour responsibilities.

Okay, tell me
how I'm being unreasonable?

Also, if this is what it takes

to get you out of that dank
little apartment...

Excuse me, I have a business
meeting this afternoon.

Just gonna leave it at that?

Mr. Rose asked if he could
come over to my place.

I think he's gonna push for me
to come back,

and I don't know
if I can say no.

And that's a bad thing?

I'm supposed to be looking
for other jobs.

Okay. Honestly, Stevie,

what other job is better
than owning your own business?

I guess I just feel like after
making such a big deal out of...

wanting to see what else
is out there,

isn't it kind of... pathetic

to like... crawl back?

Don't answer that.

I already turned down another
job interview today.

Maybe you just needed to see
what you didn't want

in order to figure out
what you do?

Look at me. Two years ago,

I thought I'd have a wife
and kid at this point.

Yeah, well,
one out of two isn't bad.

I've been told I'm...
very young at heart.

Can you drive better,
please?

- Hi.
- Uh-oh!

Hello, Access Hollywood?

Have I got a star sighting
for you!

Very pawky, Jocelyn.

I just heard the big news.

A movie premiere
in our own backyard!

I might have to buy a dress!

Uh... save yourselves
the trip to Frocks4Less.

From what I've heard,

it's more of a minor league
viewing party.

Well, I'm still excited.

It reminds me of that time that
Renée Zellweger's brother

came in here,
and I got him to sign a menu.

I mean, he spelled
his name differently,

but I swear it was him.

Well, I don't know, Moira,
I'm no movie expert,

but according to the early
reviews,

you may have a hit
on your hands.

- Reviews?
- Yeah.

There was an article posted
on the Crows account

that you made us all follow.
Come look!

Ornithology Today!
Well, if anyone knows crows...

"The Crows Have Eyes III
is 'good fun.'"

Well, that's hyperbolic.
I mean, they already had "fun"

and now they've
added "good."

Keep reading!

"The film showcases
the emotional depth

and intellectual capacity

of our oft-maligned friend,
the crow."

We were resolute about not
making an issues movie,

but I'm glad they picked up
on that.

It mentions you, Moira.

It does? Where?

My eyes are blurred.

Oh, here it is.

"Moira Rose,
as Dr. Clara Mandrake,

is delightfully unhinged."

Do you know what they call
this, gals?

An understated rave.

Oh, it's too bad you won't be
there tonight.

It would've been nice
to cheer you on.

Yeah, and my plus-one,

Janet from the Elmdale
Chronicle,

would've really loved a quote.

Well, you might want to tell
your friend Janet

that there just may be a
bombshell attendee after all.

Yay! A premiere!

Oh, I don't know if I have
anything fancy enough to wear.

Oh, my default is always
formal,

but I'm sure no one will bat
a side-eye at black-tie casual.

Oh, but do pack eyedrops!

The film's first third is
densely packed with exposition,

and you won't want to blink.

Are you sure it's okay
that we haven't seen

the first two movies?

Oh, it's actually best.

A lot of this film
blatantly contradicts

what's been established
in the first two.

Sorry, Twyla.
I'm not going to eat now!

- Okay, here we go.
- That was a fun car ride.

Yes, it was very fun.

Thank you so much
for all the hot tips

you were giving our Uber driver.

For a second, I was concerned
about my rating,

but I think he seemed to enjoy
all the wrong directions

you were yelling at him.

David, I'm hungry.

♪ I'm a hungry, hungry hippo

'Kay, we're not supposed
to feed you right now.

Can you make me a lasagna,
David?

Imagine?
No.

I think we rest this
little voice,

'cause you have been chatting
ever since

the dentist's office.
Why are you so handsome?

I mean, unless you wanna
keep talking.

In which case,
that works as well.

How come your skin is like...
perfect.

It's a nine-step regimen
I do twice a day.

- It's not a big deal.
- I'm tired.

Oh, okay.
Well, you know what,

we should probably get you
over to the bed.

O-kay.

You know what I really wanna do
with you?

Uh-huh. Ethically speaking,

I don't think we can do that
with you in this state.

Have a baby.

'Kay, we will make a baby

as soon as you sober up.

Oh no, not make a baby.
Have a baby.

Like I wanna have like
a little baby with you.

And we could just love it
and hold it and bounce it.

Yeah, that's a...
that's a big one-eighty.

- You would be such a good dad.
- Have we met?

I wish you were my dad.

Okay, now we're just
spiraling off

- in all directions.
- Shh! Listen, okay?

Come here, come here.
I got a secret.

- I don't...
- Come on.

Mm...

David?

I'm very hungry.

Okay, there's nothing I can
do about that.

- Wait. Just lie down with me.
- Okay.

- I wanna, I wanna hold you.
- Mmhmm.

Imagine us right now,

but just with a little baby.

- Hey, Stevie!
- Hey...

Hey.

- Oh! What's this?
- Thank you.

You didn't have to bring
anything.

Oh, just a little
housewarming platter,

since it's my first time here.

Twyla whipped up
some sandwiches.

- Hope you like mayo.
- Thank you.

Wow, so this is,
this is your place.

I'm glad you didn't feel
you needed to clean up

on my account,
you know?

It shows just how comfortable
a friendship we actually have.

- I did clean up.
- Right.

That's... what I meant.

You didn't feel the need
to clean up,

but I appreciate the fact that,
uh, that you did.

How are things at the motel?

Good. We bought the second
motel!

First phase of many in
the Rosebud Motel expansion.

Big things on the horizon,
Stevie,

which is, uh, why I wanted
to sit down with you today.

But not on your bed.

Oh, here.

Right.

So... Stevie,

it goes without saying that...

you've been an invaluable part
of the team.

You don't need to sell me
on the team, Mr. Rose.

And when I was your age,
I had a million and one ideas

and things I wanted to explore,

and I know it takes time
to find the right fit.

Which is why I have a proposal.

Oh! Okay.

I wanna buy you out.

Oh!

Now I know the motel has been
a weight on your shoulders,

and I can offer you
installment payments

to give up your status as owner.

And that would give you
some financial stability

while you take the time
and figure things out.

I thought you were gonna try
to talk me into coming back.

Oh, no, no.
That wouldn't be fair.

Wouldn't be fair to you.
I'm not gonna stand in the way

of you finding
what makes you happy.

And, and speaking of,
I wanted to give you this.

Oh, wow...

I don't know what to say.

Well, once you get past
the haircut

and... the dated references,

I'm sure you might find
something useful in there

to help you get your footing.

You don't have to downplay
your excitement

on my account, Stevie.

I'll be just fine.

Okay, so I may have a problem.

Oh, it's barely noticeable,
dear.

We'll find you an electrologist.

No, I'm talking about
the viewing party.

I just got a call
from the Elmdale Chronicle.

Ah yes, Jocelyn's guest.

We'll need to set aside
an extra seat.

Okay, it's just that I know
that you don't wanna make

a big deal about of this,
so I can just tell them not to come.

I may have been wrong and
you may have been not wrong.

We can position this
as a terrifying tale

premiering in an equally
spine-chilling town.

If the ornithologist review
is any barometer, Alexis,

we m-m-m-m-m may just have
a hit on our hands.

Um, last week,
you told me explicitly

that this was not a premiere,
and now it's too late.

Alexis, if you want to cut
your teeth

as a high-profile publicist,

you'll need to get used
to throwing things together

in a crunch.
I have four hours!

That's eons!

When Demi decided
on a Friday night at 6pm

that she wanted to celebrate
her 40th in Aspen,

her publicist had us
in parkas by 7.

Sadly, Megan went into cardiac
arrest on the flight,

but she perished doing
what she loved.

Um, is that your gown?
What is that for?

Oh, I thought I might
throw it on for tonight.

So you're going to
the screening?

Yes. A simple
"Thank you, Mother"

might be a nice place to start.

Also, I thought you returned
that?

I did! Or I know I returned
a dress.

A glittering, backless thing.

Stella McCartney, I think.

That was mine.
I've been looking for that.

- Blame UPS.
- Ugh!

Hey, Alexis,
this better be good.

I was in the middle of
a pre-show bath,

and with the baby around,

I only get that kind
of me-time maybe...

- five to six nights a week, so...
- Mmhmm.

I assume this has something
to do

with all the calls
we're getting from TV stations,

asking where they can park
their vans?

Um, yeah. So the premiere may
be getting

like a little bit bigger
than I had

- planned.
- Oh, sanp!

It's a premiere now?

'Cause first you said it was,

and then you said it was
just a viewing party.

Yeah, and, and if it's a
premiere, we're all in trouble,

because my skinny jeans
are in the wash.

No, it is a premiere.

Unfortunately, that decision
was made like half an hour ago,

so it would be really helpful

if I could just tell you
what I need.

Oh no, the red carpet that
you told me not to order?

Yes, but at this point,

I will settle for any shade
of red,

and it doesn't have to be
sixty feet.

Okay, good,
'cause all I've got

is a 20-foot merlot
in my garage.

I ripped out after the church
basement flooded.

That sounds amazing.

And obviously you're coming
to me for a little star power.

I get it. It'd be good to have
a name there tonight.

No. No. You're the crow
hook-up.

I wanted to create like
a headline-grabbing moment

where I release a bunch of crows

just before the movie starts.

Uh, excuse me,
it's a little late notice.

What about the liquor license?

'Cause I assuming people are
gonna wanna be drinking

through this thing.

Okay, we have a situation
on our hands

that needs to be solved now.

We have a 12-time Daytime Emmy
Award-attending actress

coming to walk a merlot carpet
in hours,

and press coming from all over,

bringing attention to your town.

So either you can help me out

or I pull the plug now
and nobody wins.

Fine. But you owe me a prime
spot on that carpet.

Wait, you wanna walk
the carpet?

Honey, it's a movie premiere,
is it not?

- Ugh.
- And I assume the mayor

is walking the carpet as well,
yes?

Yes... if he has to.

Okay, I will schedule your
arrival time when I get home.

I would like to request
a time before Roland.

- And I'd like to go first.
- Mm-'kay.

All right, I better get back

and put my skinny jeans
into the dryer.

I think they're really gonna
pop on your 20-foot merlot.

I think so too!

They're gonna pop on
that carpet.

Okay. Mm!

Okay.

Okay.

Stevie! Perfect timing.

I was having a technical issue
opening a file here.

It's, uh, being finicky.

Uh, remember, Mr. Rose?
I left you a sticky note.

Ah! Boy, it's times like this

I really miss having you
around, Stevie.

Well, um, that's kind of what
I wanted to talk to you about,

Mr. Rose.
Um, you know

how you told me
to take some time

and figure out what made me
happy?

Well, I think I have settled
on something.

Is it Larry Air?

'Cause they called me
for a reference,

and also asked if I had any
interest in becoming a pilot.

No, it's not Larry Air.

So chapter one of your book

is all about trusting
your instincts,

and I haven't been doing that.

Oh, well, that's okay, Stevie.

I mean, learning to trust
your instincts

is something that comes
with age and experience.

No. I'm talking about
trusting your instincts.

I think I've been taking them
for granted.

So, you read my book?

Most of the first chapter.

I didn't sleep well last night,
so I kind of dozed off.

Well, the first chapter is
more of an introduction, right?

Setting the table.

'Kay, but what I've realized

is that you've given me
the opportunity

to take this job
and run with it.

So, if you really think
you can make something

out of franchising this motel,

I think I want to be part of it.

You think?

I wanna be part of it.

I want back in.

Oh!

Yeah.

Well, I... should probably
tell you

that you don't necessarily have
to trust all my instincts...

all the time.
Since you've been gone,

I did have to bring on
a third business partner,

and I may as well tell you
that it's...

Roland. I know.

He gave me his new business
card.

Never saw so many typos
on a business card.

Do you mind if we don't talk
about Roland right now,

'cause I'm feeling really good
about this decision.

Ah! Yeah, me too, partner.

Me too.

Listen, while you're here,

I'm wondering if I can get
a couple more refreshers

on... what happens after
the file gets opened?

Uh... you may as well.
Yeah.

Morning, sunshine.

Mm. It's 5pm.

But good morning.

I really don't remember
how I got into this bed.

I do.

You were talking.

- A lot.
- Uhoh.

- What was I saying?
- Well,

the conversation really ran
the gamut.

You complimented
my flawless skin

and called me the Jewish
Channing Tatum,

which all tracks.

But then you told me
you wanted us to have a baby.

What else did I say?

I put you to sleep after that.

Wait. Are you,
are you joking?

No. No, no.
You held me close

and told me to envision
our lives...

with a child.

- I see.
- Mm-hm.

That, uh, that must've
been scary for you.

It was a little triggering.
Traumatizing.

David, I know that you don't
want kids,

and that's fine with me,
okay?

I was very high on anesthetic.

Okay, it's just that earlier
today,

when we were in Stevie's car

because your car's always
in the shop,

you had mentioned that you'd
always pictured yourself

having a kid.

You've never pictured
yourself doing something

- that didn't end up happening?
- Of course.

I'm not married
to Christina Aguilera, am I?

- David, I am happy...
- But it's...

with the life I've got.

I'm happy with you.

Things change.

Okay.

You're a hundred percent sure

you're not just saying
you don't wanna have a kid,

but, in actuality,
you secretly do

and are repressing that need
just for me?

I don't wanna undermine
the significance

of this conversation,
but I do wanna make it known

that I was watching
"Bridget Jones's Baby"

right before I went under.

Okay, well that makes
a little more sense then.

Mm. You would be a great dad,
though.

Okay.

You have a big old heart
in there, David.

- Yeah. Yeah,
- There it is.

- It's beating away.
- Mmhmm?

Um... Can you grab me
those painkillers, please?

I think I'm gonna need
a few of them

if we're still planning on
making it

to your mom's thing tonight.

Okay, that's actually
a very good idea.

I might take one myself.

Apparently the first 15 minutes
are very, very dense.

Moira! Over here!

Moira! Moira!

Well, break a leg, sweetheart.

I'll be right here...

10 feet behind you.

No, John, tonight is special,

and I'd like my hand-candy
by my side.

- Moira!
- Oh.

Moira!

Okay, people, we actually
need to walk the carpet, okay?

Move it along.
Ronnie? Look, we had a deal.

Also, not everyone can be on
the carpet at once.

Thank you.

When exactly are we gonna get
this show on the road?

As soon as you're off
the carpet.

Okay, because Carmine
is saying

that the crows are getting
restless.

Mm!

Where did all these people
come from?

Why are your pupils
so dilated.

- No, yours are.
- No, yours are.

Why are you dressed
like a limo driver?

Your mother insisted.

Why are you both glassy eyed?

What?

Wow!

So the crows are ready.
You just say a few words,

and then give Carmine
the signal.

Alexis,
Mommy's home now.

I'll take it from here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my great pleasure
to welcome you

to a North American
screening of...

the psychological thriller...

Move it along.

"The Crows Have Eyes III:
The Crowening!"

Let the crowening commence!

Oh!

Alexis!

- Oh ho!
- No!

Please, everyone stay
calm!

Whatever you do,
do not look them in the eye!

Okay, you're making them
angrier!

I'm not, Alexis!

I know a bit of their language.

CAW!

CAW-CAW!

This is fucked.

The worst part is people are
being robbed of the experience

of seeing the film
on the big screen.

No, that's not the worst
part, Moira.

It's fine. There were no
serious injuries,

and, because people are
watching from home,

there'll be more views that way.

Okay, have you seen this yet?

Some random news station just
posted video of the premiere.

It's been shared 32,000 times.

Well, all press is good
press, right?

You might wanna watch it
first.

Tonight, a murder
of wild crows attacked

would-be audience members

who had come to see a movie
about a crow attack.

We must warn you,
the following content is pretty graphic.

Oh!

Okay, they weren't
"wild" crows.

They were supposed to be
trained.

Trained! Some of them were
painted seagulls.

This is not good, Alexis!

It sorta looks like people
are running away

from your movie, Moira.

You! Look
what you have done!

Look what I've done?
This was your idea,

and now I have to pay Ronnie
for damage to her carpet!

What were the crows even
doing there in the first place?

It's called an immersive
experience, David!

Immersed in lawsuits maybe.

Alexis, make it stop!

Synchronized by srjanapala