Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - The Wingman - full transcript

Alexis and Moira deal with the aftermath of a viral video, while Johnny helps Bob get back out in the dating world.

- Okay, if you think you've
lived through a bad day,
try being our next guest.
- When she showed up to a
screening of her new film,
"The Crows Have Eyes:
The Crowening--"
- (Giggles) Fun name!
- It is!
The last thing she expected
was an actual crow attack!
(Crowd screams in terror)
Hosts: (Faux sympathy) Oh...
(Chuckling)
- Well, now we're being told
that the whole thing
was a PR stunt
put out by the movie.
Now, is that clever or what?
- It sure is!
We are so very lucky
to be joined this morning
by Moira Rose.
Well, ach!
- Ach!
- What a ride this has been!
- Yes.
- What a ride indeed, Barb!
Oh, let me first assure
your viewers
that not a single crow
was harmed,
and as for the humans,
oh, nothing but a little
wounded pride...
and one severed earlobe.
- Oh! (Laughs)
- Ouch! Yeah!
- Yes, everything you saw
was part of a carefully
orchestrated,
entirely deliberate stunt.
- Oh, well, it seems
to have worked, Moira.
With over more than
2 million views
in less than 24 hours,
this video has created an
incredible buzz for the movie,
which, as of right now,
is officially trending
on Interflix.
- It is?!
(Laughs excitedly)
Well, if you're saying
it's a smash hit,
then I'm just going to have
to take your word for it.
As well as the word
of millions of streamers
across the internet, I suppose.
You know, the brilliant thing
about being on streaming
is that one can start
the movie at any point,
any time they like.
- You know, Moira,
I think it's safe to say
you are officially back
in the game!
(Thumps desk)
- Yes!
- Well, you heard it here
first!
Do not adjust your sets!
Excuse me, but I'd be remiss
if I didn't acknowledge
my daughter, Alexis Rose.
This whole PR coup d'état never
would've happened without her.
- Honestly, we just had fun
with it.
- Can't hear you. (Chuckles)
Poor dear's not mic'd.
- Well, looks like there's
no stopping you two now!
Congratulations!
- Hm-hm.
Both: Thank you!
Alexis: (Giggles)
♪♪♪
(Door opens)
- Gentlemen. Morning.
I believe you've met
my roommate, Bob.
- Roommate?
- Mm-hmm.
- (Chuckle sheepishly) Yeah.
Uh, Ronnie's been nice enough
to let me stay in her
guest room,
ever since Gwen...
took the house.
- Yeah. And as much as I'm
enjoying the slumber party,
I really think that Bob could
use a change of scenery.
Maybe he could crash here
for a night...
or six?
- Uh, yeah...
- I don't think we, uh,
we have any clean rooms
available.
- Oh, I... I don't mind
a dirty room.
I hope that doesn't sound
as sad as...
as it feels.
- Bob, why,
why don't you take a seat?
And grab some water
while you're at it,
'cause you should really
hydrate after all that crying.
- Gwen used to love water.
(Sobbing)
- Okay, I feel badly for Bob,
but it's not a good look
to have him wallowing
around here.
Roland: Well, where do you
want the guy to wallow?
I mean, Johnny,
there's plenty of sad people
staying at this motel.
- That's not exactly how I'd
describe our guests, Roland.
- Well, I'm just saying,
maybe he could meet
a fellow wallower here?
- Oh, it'd be really nice
if Bob could meet somebody
'cause from what I hear,
Gwen isn't exactly sitting
at home.
- Or, what if...
we take Bob out for the evening
and kind of act as his wingmen
- Johnny, you know,
the whole dating scene
has kind of changed a little
since you were single.
(Clears throat) First off,
we now have electricity.
(Laughs)
- (Laughing)
- Okay, all right,
are you in or not?
- Ooh, I'm in. 'Cause I don't
wanna miss a chance
to see how this plays out.
- Bob?
- Well, it...it would be so nice
to not be completely alone
for a night.
Uh, lucky Gwen,
she has another one of her
male cousins visiting.
(Chuckles then sobs)
David: This coffee's delicious.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, it's... it's sort of
burning my hand a bit
because I can't put it down
on anything.
- David, you know that the new
coffee table is coming today,
and that it takes a little bit
longer when it's handmade.
- Handmade, yeah.
You know what I think
you should do?
Just come over here
and relax for a bit.
Sit down, we could put our...
our feet up on the...
(Knock at the door)
- You happy now?
Just do me a favour
and watch these,
and don't eat them.
- Mm. No guarantees.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Coffee table for Patrick?
- That's me, yeah.
You look super familiar.
Have we ordered from you before?
- Uh, I don't know.
I... I get a lot of orders.
Do you mind if I uh...?
- Yeah, come on in.
Uh, it's just right there.
- Yeah.
- 'Kay.
(Door shuts)
- (Sighs)
- I'm sorry, this is who made
your table?
- David!
- Hi.
- What're you doing here?
- Okay. Muah.
Wow. We're still doing that.
Uh, this is my boyfriend's
place.
- Fiancé.
- Fiancé.
- Yeah. Now I remember where
we met before.
Stevie's apartment.
- At Stevie's.
- Bingo. I'm sorry
for not remembering.
I meet a lot of people.
- Mm.
- That is a great sweater,
by the way.
It really brings out your lips.
- Okay.
- Well, thank you
for the coffee table.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I am also wearing a sweater.
- A lot of sweat
went into this one.
- (Chuckles)
- This is one of my best
pieces. You got great taste.
And from the looks of it,
so does David.
- (Laughs) Okay.
I'm gonna go uh...
you know,
I'm gonna check on the...
- Perfect! Yeah.
- pancakes.
- Say, you know what?
I was just planning on having
a chill night in,
but if you guys are free,
I'd love for you to come by
for a whiskey or...
whatever.
- O-kay.
You know...
You know what? We'll, we'll
think about that for a sec
and see, and see.
- Great!
Hope to see you tonight.
- Okay.
- And for what it's worth,
you guys make a beautiful
couple.
- Thank you so much.
(Door closes)
- What?
- No, you're just, your face
is all red. It's beet red.
- It is not!
- Mm-hmm. It's flush.
- Hey, babe!
- Hey, babe!
Oh my God! Where are you?
Is that the ocean?
- I wish. It's a poster
of the ocean.
'Cause I'm actually in
Stewart's dorm room right now
because mine got evacuated
last night -
small fire ants issue.
- Yikes!
Hope everything's okay.
- It was a real "Fyre Fest."
(Chuckles)
You do not wanna see
Krista's ankles today.
But, it's all good.
We'll be getting our dorms
back in...
better shape than we left 'em.
- Can't wait.
- Let's talk about you!
Everyone here has been watching
your video!
And to think it was all fake?
- Totally fake.
Isn't that wild?
And all of these PR agencies
from New York are calling
to ask me how I did it.
- How did you do it?
- Um, it's like a little bit
too complicated
to explain over this.
- Hi, Theodore!
Gorgeous view!
- Hi, Mrs. Rose!
Congrats on the movie!
That last scene where you
leap from your nest
only to discover that
your wings
aren't developed enough yet...
- Oh, you're too kind.
The Daily Mail called it
a "flap for the ages!"
- Okay, can I have my boyfriend
back now, please?
- Hm.
(Phone rings)
- (Clears her throat)
Oh!
It's Buzzfeed calling
about the 10 goriest
Clara Mandrake accidents
from the film.
- Best we take it.
And don't forget,
we have a conference call
with the Interflix PR people
in a tight 15.
- Okay.
- Wow,
it seems like you've got
a lot going on, Alexis.
- Yes, but not too much
for you.
- No, don't worry about me,
you're obviously in high
demand.
- Alexis! They're asking
about co-stars.
I can't be expected to remember
everyone I meet!
- Mm. Okay, okay.
Well, I guess I do have to go,
but I will see you
in a few days
and I can't wait!
- I can't wait either.
Moira: (Shouting) Alexis!
- Okay, I'm coming. Ugh!
Okay, love you! (Blows kiss)
- Love you--
(Button clicks)
Ooh!
(Birds chirp, door opens)
- I don't think we're the same
size, Johnny.
I might have a trouble fitting
tissues into these pockets.
- Oh, you won't need tissues.
There'll be no crying tonight,
Bob.
You look like a million bucks.
Roland: Well, actually, Bob,
in Johnny's suit there,
you look like a guy
who had a million bucks,
but then lost it. (Laughs)
- Very funny, Roland.
Now, the suit works, Bob.
Ronnie: Bob, in my experience,
it doesn't matter
what you wear.
It's all about being yourself.
- I think the last person
Bob wants to be right now
is himself.
- I agree with Roland.
- I don't know if I can speak
on behalf of women here--
- You can't.
- Moira used to say,
when she was single,
she would always be attracted
to men
who could make her laugh.
- How'd she end up with you?
- (Laughs)
- All right, why don't we try
a little test run here.
Let's imagine we're in a bar.
Ronnie, do you wanna be the
woman in this little scenario?
- Not a chance.
- Okay. (Clears throat) Mm!
Move over. I... (clears throat)
will be the woman.
- Okay. So we're in a bar
and, uh, you see this very
intriguing looking gentleman.
- Okay. (Clears throat)
(High voice)
Hello, I'm...
I'm Gwen.
- Oh...
- You had to pick Gwen?
- I'm sorry,
I saw Bob standing there
and that was the first name
I thought of.
They're always together.
- Okay. Hold it together.
- Pick another name!
- Okay, all right.
Uh... okay, yeah.
Hi. I'm Ronnie.
That's my friend Gwen.
- Oh...
- Okay, this is a disaster.
- Thank you, Roland.
I'll take over from here.
Bob, honestly,
- (Crying)
- You know,
just a few runs and...
you're gonna be drowning
in phone numbers.
- No. No... (Sobbing)
I... I can't breathe.
- Ooh.
- You know what? Jake did
a great job with this.
- Mm-hmm.
I was just about to say
this coffee table really
brings out your lips.
- Okay, what? I can't
compliment the guy?
He's talented. You know, he's
like a, a one-man operation.
- Not in my experience.
- And I think it was
very nice of him
to invite us for drinks tonight.
- Wasn't it?
- Yes, it was. It was very nice
and I think that we should
get back to him about it.
- About going to his place
for "a whiskey or whatever"?
- David, I'm fine to have
drinks
with one of your exes, okay?
- Okay, first of all,
Jake is nobody's ex
and everybody's ex.
And second of all,
going to Jake's for a drink
is never just going
to Jake's for a drink.
- Oh... oh. So you...
okay, so you think he invited
us over to... to...?
- Yes, I do. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, in that case,
we definitely shouldn't go.
'Cause we're not really
the kind of couple that...
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah...
- That being said,
if we ever did decide to...
have "a whiskey" with someone,
Jake would be the person
to do that with
because he literally doesn't
care about anything.
So just...
I'm just throwing it out there.
- I mean, we always have
the option of going
and just having a whiskey.
- Okay. And I always have
the option of online shopping
and just putting things
in the cart.
That's not gonna happen.
- Um... what's all this?
- They just keep coming.
- Well, congratulations.
That must mean everyone's
happy.
- Oh, very happy, yes.
Thanks to your little attack
of the corvidae,
we are Interflix's number one
stream of the day.
Tied only with the fourth
season
of "Caroline in the City."
- From Interflix.
"To Alexis,
congratulations and thank you.
The competition is eating
crow." (Chuckles)
"Love, your new best friends
at Interflix."
- They're all for you.
Not those - those are from
Joyce Dewitt.
I didn't want to overwhelm you,
dear,
I know you're being pulled
in another direction.
Though, you might find a bit
more delectation in this.
- No, I do. I... I just like
haven't received flowers
from someone I wasn't...
friends with.
(Exhales sharply)
What do I do?
- What do you want to do?
- I can't leave now.
- If you're worried
about the flowers,
they'll likely be dead
in a week.
- Yeah, like my career
if I walk away
with everything that's
going on.
I've already made Ted wait
an extra month.
I can't... back out now.
- So you...
you weigh your options.
On the one hand,
you are perched
on the precipice
of a dream come true
and you can jump knowing,
possibly for the first time,
that you can succeed
at anything
to which you put your mind.
- And on the other hand?
- What other hand?
- Ted!
- (Gasps) Dear Ted.
Yes, this is a quandary.
- (Sighs heavily)
(Low hum of chatter,
pool balls clack)
- Well, things seem to be
going well.
- Yeah, look, they're standing
pretty close together.
That must be a good sign.
- Yeah, and he's not crossing
his arms.
That's good body language.
And... they're hugging!
- Uh-huh.
- And... now he's walking away.
Okay.
- Well? How'd it go, Bob?
It looked like you two
were hitting off.
- What're the odds of...
running into my marriage
counselor here?
- I'm sorry, did you just say
you picked up your marriage
counselor?
- No.
I'm saying she told me
she can't keep seeing me.
Apparently, there's a conflict
of interest
and, uh, she's chosen to go
with Gwen.
But... I can't blame her.
- Okay,
can we try my system now?
We all laugh,
on the count of three,
as if Bob just told
a very funny joke.
- Oh, no pressure.
- Well, you don't actually
have to tell a joke, Bob.
Just act like you did.
And that might attract uh...
you know, someone's attention.
- What if they ask me
what I said?
- Well, they're not gonna ask
you what you said.
- I don't know, Johnny.
This sounds like a really
complicated plan.
- Mm-hmm.
- It couldn't be more simple.
Just follow my lead.
(Laughing)
All: (Laughing)
- It's working.
It's working. Working.
- Is something funny?
- Well, now that you
mention it--
- Because it looked like you
were laughing at me.
Roland: (Snorts,
stifles laughter poorly)
- No, It's, it's just my very
available friend, Bob here,
just said something so funny.
- What'd you say?
- You said they wouldn't ask.
Ronnie: Okay, I'm not saying
I'm bailing on this,
but... I think I'm gonna go
mingle and...
I might not come back.
- It's not so much, uh,
what he said,
it was just, uh, it was a funny
observation. (Laughs)
- Well, next time,
observe someone else.
- (Makes engine noise)
Crrrash and burn, Johnny.
- Boy, I... I buckled
under the pressure.
But she was a dead ringer
for Gwen.
(Jacket rustles)
- Oh, didn't know we were
bringing our friends tonight.
- 'Kay, I knew I shouldn't have
worn this shirt.
- No, it's nice, it's nice.
Is it new?
And does it come in
an adult size?
- It's not new.
I just haven't worn it yet.
- So it is new then.
- Is that cologne I smell?
- No. This is a leather-scented
body moisturizer.
- So, you... you moisturized
your body then.
You know what? (Chuckles)
Why don't we not do this?
This is getting a bit
complicated.
- The only thing that's
complicated here
is the length of your sleeves.
Go long, go short.
Just pick one.
Um, as for this?
If one of us wants to leave
and the other one wants
to stay, then...
- We both leave.
- We... both leave, yeah.
So... I think you should knock
on the door
because these arms are nice
and warmed up.
- All right.
(Knocking)
(Door opens)
- Hi, boys.
So glad you could make it.
Come on in.
(Low hum of chatter and music)
- Oh wow.
A lot of people are here
for drinks, David.
- Yeah, a few more are on
their way.
Make yourselves at home, boys.
Great shirt, by the way.
- Aw.
- Mm-hmm. Thanks.
Um...
We left our wine in the car.
- Oh.
- So we should go get that.
- Oh, don't worry about it.
Plenty of vino here.
- Yeah, it's just that ours
is um...
kosher.
- Mm.
- Well, hurry back. We're gonna
start the massage circle soon.
- Oh...
- Don't wanna miss it.
- Think you're up
for the massage circle?
- This is way too many people.
- Yeah.
You have your coat.
We should go.
And... Stevie?
Oh... my God.
- Huh.
- What're you doing here?
- What're you two doing here?
- We were...
- We were just...
- Invited for drinks?
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
We came here to say hi
and now we're leaving.
- Mm-hmm.
- Can I not have one thing
for myself?
- No. Anyway, we're gonna go.
You gonna come with?
- Uh... I still have like...
half a drink left,
so I think I'm gonna finish it
here, and then...
meet you guys later?
- No, you won't.
- No, I won't.
- Okay.
- Have fun.
- Bye.
(Crickets chirp)
(Skype call rings)
Ted: (Out of breath)
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Myrtle was laying her eggs
and the whole team
was really excited.
- Mmm! Yeah, I bet.
Fresh omelettes.
- Well, Myrtle's a green sea
turtle,
and they only spawn
every two years,
so eating her eggs would
actually disrupt
an entire ecosystem.
Plus, there's like a ton
of cholesterol.
- Mm. Um, well, it sounds
like you're super busy,
so I don't wanna take up
too much of your time,
um, but I actually wanted
to talk to you about something.
- I know what you're going
to say, Alexis.
- You do?
- I've been dropping the ball
when it comes to our phone
dates.
Between juggling work
and, and the time difference--
- No, Ted, you haven't done
anything wrong.
We've both been so busy
with work,
and then on top of all of that,
you've been...
renovating your entire
apartment for me.
- Well, I put some screens
on the windows.
I wouldn't really call it
a renovation.
- Okay, well, you bought
a juicer. (Chuckles)
Um, but the more
I've been thinking about it,
the more I feel... like...
- I think you should stay
where you are.
- maybe I should stay here.
- Sorry, did, did you say
something?
- No. Um... What did you say?
- I can't have you come here,
Alexis. You'll hate it.
And I'm not just saying that
because the screens that
I installed
are actually attracting
more bugs somehow.
But you'd be leaving everything
that you're doing to come here,
and... I can't guarantee that
there won't have another trip
that takes me away
for days at a time.
D-don't get me wrong,
I want you here so bad,
but I know you.
And no matter how many juicers
I buy,
this place just won't feel
like home.
Sorry. I can't tell
if the screen's frozen,
or if you're just really
shocked.
But if you still want to come,
I'm not gonna tell you not to.
- No, no, no, no. Um...
you've made some very valid
points.
- Yeah. I didn't even tell you
about the shared bathroom
situation.
- Okay, well... maybe you
could've led with that.
Would've saved us some time.
Um, but I guess we just
wait it out?
Seems like our only option.
- Yeah, until somebody invents
teleportation.
- (Chuckles)
Okay, well, um...
nobody's home,
so why don't we start
by teleporting you
out of that shirt?
- That's not really how
teleportation works,
but I think that I can--
(Gasps) Aww... not again!
I'm so sorry, uh,
but the ants are back
and, uh, I think
what we're about to do
probably wouldn't end very well
if a fire ant was involved.
Um, rain check?
- Rain check.
- (Sighs) I love you!
(Button clicks)
- Uh, mm, oh!
Love you.
(Motorcycle rumbles)
- Hey, I'm heading out.
- Calling it a night?
- Well, actually, my night
is just beginning.
- Whoa... Welcome to
the players' club.
- No, I'm not high-fiving that.
Look, her name is Vanessa,
and she has a very single,
very attractive friend
over there,
who was just telling me about
all the trouble she's having
with her car.
- Bob, this is right up
your alley.
Nobody knows their way around
cars like you.
- Yeah, I, uh, was really
hoping to not talk shop.
- Bob, just go over
and talk to her.
- Look, be yourself.
Have a mint.
Go, go, go, go.
And that, gentlemen,
is how it's done. Bye!
- You know, Roland,
I do not miss being single.
- Whoa, here's to that.
(Bottles clink)
Cheers, my friend.
- Not that I didn't have fun
in my day.
They actually used to call me
"the closer."
- Yeah. (Chuckles)
Well, that was probably
because women used to close out
their tabs and go home
when you came into the bar.
- All right, speaking of
closing out tabs,
I think we should get out
of here.
- Which is what the women used
to say to each other
when they saw you walking
through the door.
- I'm not setting you up
anymore, Roland.
- Which is that what
your matchmaker said!
(Laughing)
- Oh boy...
It turns out,
Herbert Linger,
the great fruit vintner is
a rabid fan of The Crows movie.
Good luck finding
someone who isn't.
We would love
to make our Moira rosé,
an exclusive
and limited release.
Well, hello! Who is she and how
do we get a mouth full of her?
♪ [upbeat, jazzy]
♪ ["The Big Bang"
by Johnny Mandel]
Announcer: Ordinary fridges.
Extraordinary meals.
Fridge Wars, February 27th
on CBC and CBC Gem.