Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Dead Guy in Room 4 - full transcript

Schitt's Creek - S04E01
"Dead Guy in Room 4"

Ah!

Ha, now that is what I
call a beautiful morning!

Looks like another full house tonight.

Things are starting
to look up, sweetheart.

Big waves! Big waves!

Oh yes. Yes, tidal waves of prosperity

are crashing down, all around us.

Soon enough. You just wait.

Hey partner, what's the good word?

There's a dead guy in Room 4.



What? Whadda ya mean
there's a dead guy in...

come in, come in.

Did I hear what I think I heard?

- Has someone been killed?
- No.

No! No, John, no. No!

I have endured a cornucopia
of trauma that last few years,

I draw the line at
living in a crime scene.

Okay, nobody's been murdered, Mrs. Rose.

I went in to clean Room 4,

and this old guy was
like, asleep in his bed.

But like, forever asleep.

Like, checked out
without paying, asleep.

Okay, I think it's a little
early for humor, Stevie.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you
just see a dead body?



What did this gentleman look like?

- I don't know, like old.
- John old? Or old, old?

Well, I don't quite see the relevance

in that question,
Moira, the man is dead.

I mean we can't have the
other guests finding out

about a dead body in one of the rooms.

- Ugh!
- Ew! There's a dead body

- in one of the rooms?
- Okay, I always knew

there'd be a murder here eventually.

I'm gonna go pack up my
things, I assume we're moving?

We're not packing up our things,

and everybody just calm
down. Nobody's been murdered.

Okay, the old man in Room
4 died alone in his sleep.

Why do I find that scenario even
more bone-chilling than murder?

Stevie, do we know how this man expired?

Do I look like a coroner?

I don't think you want people
answering that question.

It feels like every time the
motel sells out, someone dies.

Uh, we've only sold out one night.

Exactly.

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
-- Synced by Boba&Misia --

So you and Patrick are
sitting in his car last night,

and you just leaned in and kissed him?

Okay, what part of this conversation

- don't you understand?
- Okay, and he wanted that.

Yes.

Like he told you that he wanted that.

Fall off a bridge, please.

You gave me such a hard time
for getting involved with Ted,

and then you just... French
your business partner

literally the second he peeks
his head out of the closet.

I'll have you know this
is the healthiest first day

of a relationship I've ever had.

Well, all I know is that Patrick is

a sweet little button face, David,

so don't mess this up.

Oh good,

I'm glad you're both still here.

We're gonna need your
room for the night,

so uh, pack up.

- Um, no.
- Absolutely not.

The motel is sold out

and we're unable to remove
a body, and disinfect Room 4,

in time for check-in.

Okay, every inch of that
sentence made me sick.

I agree with David, we
must all move on from this.

- Did I say that?
- Well there's no use wasting time

worrying about what happened?

We're not worrying about
what happened, Moira,

we're trying to find a solution,

and I'm gonna need the family
to help us through this.

Okay, why don't the new
guests stay in your room?

It'll take day just to
re-box your mother's wigs.

Oh my God, can you imagine?
Not one of you is trained.

Okay, bottom line, we need the room,

so throw some things in a bag

and we're gonna set you up in our room.

Okay, I've never just thrown
some things in a bag before,

so you might have to give me a minute.

Yeah, and I'm gonna be
sleeping somewhere else.

- Same.
- Like literally anywhere else.

Yeah, like an old tent by
the side of the highway.

Okay, enough, let's get going, please?

Yes, yes, plenty of work to be done.

Unfortunately my previous
engagements preclude me

from offering my beneficence
around the motel today.

John, I hate to leave you like this!

Yeah, I know, Moira,
you know, busy busy.

- I want the room cleaned up in an hour.
- Okay.

Um, I'm gonna need a
roll of dry-cleaning bags,

and some padlocks.

Okay, so Roland knows a
guy at the coroner's office.

- Wait, you told Roland?
- Yes.

I don't know, I-I ran into him,
and he asked me how I was.

- Well, that's not good, Stevie.
- No, I might have panicked.

I wouldn't trust Roland
with a set of chopsticks,

- let alone a dead body!
- Yeah.

- Oh, hello!
- Hello.

Checking out?

Hello, Johnny. Stevie.

I come bearing good news.

Okay, Roland, as you can see,

Mr. Rose is checking
out a guest right now,

so maybe you can hold
off on that good news?

Oh sure, I got it.

Uh, well let me just say this,

re the toilet that died in Room 4,

the plumber will be here in a few hours.

He said he'd be here sooner,
but he has another autopsy.

Toilet on the fritz.

Okay, so, what'd the coroner say?

My guys will be here between 4 and 5.

Well, that's not good,

we can't have the guests
watching a dead body

being dragged out of here.

So probably best to keep
your guests in their rooms.

And, how're we gonna do that?

Do the rooms lock from the outside?

We're not locking the guests
in their rooms, Roland.

Well, I'm sure they'll be fine, Johnny.

I saw a lot of dead
bodies when I was a kid,

und I would say that
I turned out pretty okay.

Hmm.

- Thank you very much.
- Bye.

- Alexis!
- Oh my God, Ted, hey!

Um, was there like a pet
massacre, or something?

What is with all these
sad looking people?

Uh, nope, all these
perfectly happy-looking people

are actually applying for your old job.

I literally just quit, Ted.

Again, quit implies
a negative connotation

and I'd say that we had a
pretty fun time working together.

We did have a pretty fun time.

That's not what I meant,
but anyway, what's up?

Oh, I just wanted to thank you again

for coming to my graduation yesterday.

It was a very sweet surprise.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

- Here.
- Oh, thanks.

And, I also had a question.

Uh yeah, Alexis, I'd love
to answer that question,

it's just I'm kind
of right in the middle

of interviewing these people, so.

Okay, yeah, totally. I will just um...

um... I actually used to work here.

This used to be my desk, so.

You know, now that you're here,

I guess you could sit in
on the interviews with me.

Oh. Okay, sure.

Now, everybody, just so you know,

I got a job here,

and I have literally
zero interest in animals,

so you guys are already like, way ahead.

- Okay.
- So...

Have fun!

- Hi.
- Hey.

So, someone's been busy.

Oh yeah, yeah, I've been up since 5.

Could not sleep, been thinking about...

stuff, you know, last night.

Regrets?

What? No, why would I have regrets?

I don't know, I think it's
a, just a habit to ask.

No, no, no, no. No regrets.

No, I feel good. I feel like a...

weight's been sorta
lifted off my shoulders.

It's all very new, you know,
and it's a lot to process but...

Well, here's something fun.

Um... what if I stayed
at your place tonight?

Huh.

It's just that there's some things
happening at the motel, and I...

Yeah, uh, sorry David,
maybe I haven't been clear,

I'm gonna need to take this a lot slower

than a sleepover tonight.

Oh okay, not like a sleepover sleepover.

I think it's important
that I be honest with you

about how I'm feeling,

because I know you have a lot
of experience in this area,

- but for me...
- Oh my God, no,

I mean yes, I do, but that's
not what I'm implying. That's...

Ding-a-ding.

Oh hey, Mrs. Rose.

Um, just takin' this to the back.

We'll talk about this later.

Okay, yeah, it's just some crossed...
wires. May I help you?

It's startlingly quiet in here, David.

Is that a good sign?

I thought you were booked up all day,

and that's why you couldn't
help Dad with the dead b-

- that thing in the motel.
- I am booked up, David.

You should see my schedule.

I'm positively bedeviled
with meetings, etc.

What are you doing here?

You know what I'd love? A tea.

We don't sell tea.

Um, you know, I was gonna
go make a run to the cafe,

- I could get you a tea if you want.
- No, that's not necessary.

How serendipitous. Thank you, Peter.

- It's Patrick.
- Anything else?

Nothing else for me,
thank you, just the scone.

- You mean the tea?
- Why not. Thank you.

Okay, I was in the middle

of like a pretty important conversation,

with my business partner, so...

Sorry David, I had nowhere else to turn.

It's probably nothing, but
I think I've killed a man.

I don't know what to do, David.

The last time I felt this
emotionally encumbered,

I was playing Lady Macbeth
on a Crystal Skies cruise ship

during Shakespeare at Sea Week.

Okay, well I don't
know what to do either,

because you still haven't
told me what exactly happened.

One tea for you.

One caramel macchiato
skim, 2 sweeteners,

and a sprinkle of cocoa powder for you.

Thank you.

You're very speedy.

Thanks. I wasn't sure about the scone,

so I got one just to be safe.

There's nothing wrong with
treating yourself, dear.

Okay.

Okay, I am pretty sure that
he's ready to quit on me,

- so can you please...
- Very well.

How to get started.

Um, I woke up yesterday morning
with a spring in my step.

Start later, please.

I could never know where the day was...

Fast forward it.

I ran into the elderly
gentleman outside his room

and he asked me for a painkiller.

- And?
- I told him I didn't have one.

- Okay.
- But I did have one.

In fact I had several
sample packets in my purse.

I had come from the pharmacy,

and they were just out in a bowl.

But I refused the man,
and the next thing I know,

he turns up dead!

Well, why didn't you
just give him the pill?

Because David,

because I can barely come
to terms with the fact

that I've resorted to
hoarding... sample packets

of a basic headache medication,

let alone reveal it to the world.

This is what my life has come to, David,

killing a man over a
complimentary bolus.

Okay, well are you
even sure that the pill

would have saved his life?

We'll have to let the courts decide.

The courts?

Well, know that you've
unloaded this on me,

what am I, an accomplice?

David, I came here to be
talked off a ledge, not pushed!

Can you imagine this in prison?

Can I interject?

I know I wasn't supposed to be listening

to this conversation,
but it's a small space,

and your voice carries so beautifully.

- Mhm.
- Mrs. Rose, I can say

with 100% certainty, you
have nothing to worry about.

Well that's very kind of you, dear,

but now's not the time for
well-intended placation.

You're legally prohibited
from supplying medication

to your guests,

so by not giving him anything
you've actually avoided

any potential liability in his death.

- Well, there we have it then.
- Thank God you're here Pa...

- ... trick.
- ... trick.

You know how David can
get carried away, I'm sure.

Oh, I do.

Well, I suppose I'll head
back to the scene of the crime,

with which I had nothing to do.

Can I ring that up for you?

I paid way too much for
a wedge of brie last week,

so let's call it even.

I don't think it works like that.

Alexis was right, he's a button.

Thanks.

Well, hello there, my colleague and I

are just checking in to see
how you're enjoying your stay.

Uh, it is what it is.

Oh, well that's excellent. Excellent.

Now, will you be heading
out this afternoon,

- or... hanging around the motel?
- Uh, I don't know,

I'm just trying to get
my kid to take a nap.

He just gets cranky if he doesn't, so...

Ohhhh, my son's the same way.

Anyway, we just wanted to come by,

invite you and your
son to our happy hour,

happening in the motel
lobby between 4 and 5 p.m.

You're inviting my son to happy hour?

Well, wrong choice of words.

We... prefer to call it a family hour,

if that makes you feel any better.

There's gonna be other kids there?

- Oh, I think,
- No.

But there is someone
staying with us right now

who works in a quarry.

So, I bet he has a lot of stories.

And what kind of kid doesn't like rocks?

- Yeah.
- Huh?

Maybe he'll even get to take one home.

Ooh.

- I'm gonna think about it.
- Yeah, it's mandatory.

It's mandatory?

Well again, wrong choice of
words, it's not mandatory,

but there is a fee for not attending,

so you'll be paying for it either way.

What?

Yeah, so we'll just be by a little later

to escort you to the lobby.

In the meantime, you
can put your son to bed

and just make sure he's
up and ready to go at 3:55.

- Okay? Bye for now.
- Bye, thank you.

All right, thank you very much,
and we will be in touch.

I have to admit, Alexis,

some of your questions
were shockingly effective.

I found it very telling how many people

would just accept a cocktail
from a total stranger.

Hmm, thank you.

Who would've known that
Paul was allergic to cats?

- What was he doing here?
- I'm happy to help.

You know it is gonna be

different around here without you.

You definitely had a certain something,

and I can't quite put my finger on.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Thank you!

So you were gonna ask
me something earlier.

Oh, sorry yeah, um,

so something gross
happened at the motel,

so I was actually hoping I could
crash at your place tonight.

Yeah, normally that'd be
totally okay it's just um,

I have a date tonight.

Oh. Fun.

Okay, um, well maybe I
could like drop my stuff

- and wait, or...
- Yeah,

it's uh just kinda that um,

we may uh, you know, need
the apartment at some point.

Apartment at some point.

My God, like for sex.

I don't know why I
thought you were single.

That's... hmm.

Yeah, I thought I had
mentioned her, it's Heather,

the woman with the cat.

Yes, the woman who wanted you
to wash her cat all the time.

Yeah.

I thought that was like
a little casual thing.

It was and then it sort of
turned into more of a thing.

Hmm. Did. Well, good for Heather.

Thirsty little thing, isn't she.

Um... okay, okay, cool.

Well um, I should probably go.

Alexis, wait.

Who would you hire from today?

Um, I liked the guy with the glasses.

Me too.

Um, or the guy with
cystic acne. Either or.

Okay.

Or the girl with the oily
braid. Also very good.

Okay, lots to think about there.

- Mhmm.
- Thank you, Alexis.

So you told your mom about us, huh.

No, I told Alexis about us,

and she likely told my mom.

- Okay, listen David...
- No you listen...

Sorry that came off way
harsher than I wanted it to.

Uh, I know how this looks,

especially considering
that you just told me

you wanted to take things slow,

but me wanting to stay at your place,

it was more about what
was happening at...

- Yeah, I... I know that now.
- Okay.

And I'm sorry for assuming
that you just wanted to stay

at my house to... to
sleep with me or whatever.

No, um, it was purely
circumstantial, you know,

because of the dead body at the...

Right.

You know, when you kissed me,

that, that felt like my first time.

All the things that
you're supposed to feel,

I-I felt them... last night.

Well, if we're being
honest with each other,

this is sort of like my first time, too.

I mean it's not, I've kissed
like a thousand people but...

nobody that I... cared about

or... respected...

or thought was nice.

So in a way, it's like we're
both starting something new.

Thank you, David.

And hey, for the record,

I-I also respect you and think
that you're a good person.

Hmm.

It's just I said nice person.

- I know.
- Oh.

I just need you to say nice person.

- You're a good person.
- That's not nice.

Well, hello everyone, welcome.

Welcome. Hope you're enjoying
the cinnamon buns and vodka.

We thought it was festive in
a... Scandinavian sort of way.

Uh, well what a wonderful opportunity

for all the guests to uh,
get to know each other.

Anyone from out of town?

Well, that makes sense.

You're all staying at the motel.

Um, oh Frank, Frank... Frank is here.

Frank who works at a quarry.

Did you bring some rocks
in for the kids, Frank?

No, I didn't bring any rocks.

No rocks? Well.

John, the gentlemen outside
need a few more minutes.

Well, I hope the motel
has been servicing...

Well hello, all of you. Hello, hi.

Isn't this a glittering
sea of hopeful faces.

My lovely wife, Moira.

- We wanna go outside.
- Outside.

Well of course you do, who
doesn't want to go outside?

But it's also important to
cherish what's going on inside.

It's times like these that reminds one

of the fact that we're all still alive.

Don't you dare take that for granted.

One day you're asking
for an anti-inflammatory,

the next day you've
passed away in your sleep!

I think we're getting a
little off-topic, sweetheart.

The point being, no one
knows when we're going to die!

Or be implicated in,

and then suddenly cleared
of someone else's death.

So, so, drink up! Go outside!

And live your lives!

And thank you all for
spending this hour with us.

I hope you enjoyed the
complimentary refreshments.

Okay, people, let's
leave the cups inside.

We're not in Vegas, here. Thank you.

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
-- Synced by Boba&Misia --