Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Grad Night - full transcript

Schitt's Creek - S03E13
Season Finale: "Grad Night"

Alexis, I have a favour...

Oh, great. Um...

I would love a ride to work.

I meant, I have a favour to ask.

You just said that you have a favour.

As in, for me.

Well, who says that, 'I
have a favour for you?'

Okay. Are you saying that
you can't drive me to work?

No, I can't.

I need you to work
the motel this Friday.



Ewww! What?!

We're all pitching in these days, dear.

Like communists or non-union actors.

Okay. Well, I would love to,

but it's my high school
graduation on Friday.

Your graduation is this Friday?

- Mhm.
- What?

I didn't tell you because
I don't want you to come.

It's bad enough that I have to wear that

unflattering black dress

and then the hat with the thing on it

in front of people that I don't know.

Yeah, I'm not going.

I was at your first graduation



and it's not my fault
that you weren't there.

We all have to go, David,

unless you have some special excuse.

It's my birthday.

Yeah. Well...

We, we didn't forget.

No, we've been talking
about it for weeks.

You've been talking about it for weeks.

Well, we'll just have to have a birthday

and graduation celebration all in one.

Yeah. I'm very
uninterested in that option.

- As am I.
- No. Seriously don't come.

They can't say we didn't try.

- Ugh.
- What?

Woof... David.

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
-- Sync by MisiaLover --

Oh, can I get a gift receipt for that?

It's for an anniversary.

Oh. Well, isn't that thoughtful.

I wish everyone remembered
special days like that,

but, alas, that's not
what this world is anymore.

I'll just take that gift receipt.

Yeah. Okay.

- You're a good person.
- Uh.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. It's fine.

All right.

Here is a question.

Um, has your family ever
forgotten your birthday?

Like your parents and your sister,

collectively, as a whole?

That would be a no.

No, I've always had some kind of party.

- Oh.
- In fact, sometimes two parties.

One before school ended with my friends.

And then another with my family

with my cousins who were
kinda more like siblings.

But they, they forget... other things.

Yeah. I'm sure. Yeah.

I'm kinda piecing together
that it might be your birthday?

Yes, it is.

Well, happy birthday.

How old are we...

Do you have any plans for today or?

Ah, I plan on popping a pill,

crying a bit and falling asleep early.

So just a regular weeknight.

Well, it sounds like fun!

It is.

You ever tried the Cafe Tropical?

I've heard people raving about how

"moderately edible" the food is there.

Well, yes.

We could, we could go
for a birthday dinner.

- You don't have to do that.
- No, I-I'd like to.

- Sure.
- Let's say eight o'clock.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Those are wet now.
- That's a lot of spritzing.

- I'm gonna dry those off.
- Okay.

Okay, another girl dropped
off her resume this morning.

Ted, have you read these?

These are actually very impressive.

There are people here who went to school

specifically for vet stuff.

Yeah, well, y'know,

formal training is usually encouraged.

Well, I don't have formal training.

This person's assisted with surgeries.

Is that something
that I should be doing?

No. God no.

Well, Ted, if there are
people here that can help you,

you should hire them.

Well...

I'm... very happy with the
job that you're doing.

And I... I like having you here.

Well, I like being here, but...

not as much as like... Tiffany Seraris.

The poor thing went to cat camp.

So what are you saying?

Well, I'm saying I didn't realize

that there was a huge pile
of way more qualified people

just like waiting to be hired.

Yeah. But you're learning.

I know, but I'm taking
someone's desk here.

Like someone who actually
wants to touch animals a lot.

Like...

Maybe there's a job out there
that I'm better suited for.

And some other like gorgeous,

slightly under qualified
girl is sitting at my desk

asking herself the same question.

Okay...

I'm just realizing
that wanting to come in

and laugh at your
animal puns isn't enough

when there is like people here.

Those were genuine laughs?

Sometimes, yeah.

Well, I can't say the
reception will be as fun,

but... that's really
generous of you, Alexis.

Like, surprisingly generous.

No I know.

So, um,

I guess I should go.

I have my graduation tonight, so.

Well, it's only eleven.

And I am paying you for the day.

I totally get that.

I will stay until four.

Day ends at five, but sure.

Damian Steele.

Okay, we will see you soon! Bye.

Yeah.

Stevie! Stevie!

- Have you tried restarting it?
- What?

Oh. Sorry, I thought
you were having trouble

with the computer again.

No, no.

Well, I'm stuck on all caps, but no.

Come here, take a look.

Look, we are sold out.

I just booked the last room.

Are you sure you didn't put
the same reservation in twice?

Because you've done that before.

No. Booked.

We can now fire up the 'no'
in the 'no vacancy' sign.

Oh, yeah, that burnt out years ago.

Sadly it hasn't been an issue, but...

maybe we could use the 'no'
from the 'no refunds' sign.

All right. We'll figure out.

But I am so proud of our little team.

Up here. Come on.

I don't think we're
those kind of people.

In the sky! Here we go!

Yeah! Big day!

Big day, Stevie!

As long as we have some time,

I thought we'd revisit this
delightful little number.

I can't even remember why
we stopped working on it.

Because we are an ensemble group

And this requires a lead vocal

that just happens to be in your range.

Ronnie,

When one of us shines, all of us shine.

That is the meaning of ensemble.

Sorry, gals.

I just got caught up on the phone.

I have good news and, and some bad news.

Oh. Is the bad news that
there is no good news?

My aunt used to play
this game with me a lot.

The good news is I
just got off the phone

with the little towns
big voices festival

and the Elmdale songbirds
have had to drop out

at the last minute.

They got a terrible stomach flu

that just run right through them.

So the festival was wondering

if the Jazzagals would sub in tonight!

Oh, wow.

And of course the bad news is

that Moira and I won't
be able to attend.

Oh. I'm sorry, w-why can't I?

Because your daughter is
graduating high school.

Oh. And what a grand night it will be

for you and your charges.

But the Roses' will
not be at graduation.

No, Alexis has veritably
browbeaten us not to attend.

I wouldn't be surprised if she
skips the whole affair herself.

Waggish little nymph, that she is. So...

Well, then I guess it's just me

that won't be making it to the festival.

Oh, Jocelyn, don't worry
we will do you proud.

I think we might just have
the perfect number for it.

Don't you think?

♪

Well, look at you...

You are radiant.

Hardly.

You are, Alexis.

Oh, I'd advise against the mortarboard.

It'll flattens the
hair and pull focus away

from that beautiful face.

Well, I think everyone has to wear one.

Hm. But by not wearing
one, you'll stand out.

And by the fact that you're
a good ten years older

than everyone else.

Okay.

Um, is this straight? Does it look okay?

Mhm.

I'm so proud of you.

I don't know why.

Everybody graduates from high school.

You know, it isn't easy.
Especially at your age.

Okay, Can you please stop saying that.

Alexis, you've worked very hard

and now that you've done this,

the world is gonna open up wide for you.

Um, you know...

It's not too late if you wanna come.

Hey, it's okay. Don't worry about me.

Mommy is going to be fine.

And I'll respect your wishes.

I'm just saying like
if you do wanna come.

Well, it's a little late now.

Whatever, if you have
plans that's totally fine.

Now I do.

Now I'm doing a big
concert with the Jazzagals.

Because you're the one who told us

you didn't want anyone there.

Okay. Totally is, it's totally fine.

Had I known.

It's gonna be long and boring anyway so.

Alexis.

Alexis, I hope you know

that you have been and always will be

one of my top priorities.

Thanks.

Well, we'll see you afterwards.

We'll all have lots to celebrate then.

All of us.

I almost didn't see you there

through the mad rush of the
Friday night dinner crowd.

I'm just so relieved
that I made a reservation.

Yes. Well, You look very nice.

Oh, thanks. Well, you
know, I assumed that the cafe

would have a dinner jacket policy

and I didn't wanna wear one of theirs.

Mhm. Well, the amazing
thing about this place

is that they've done
such a wonderful job

of editing down the
menu to a very concise,

world-class selection
of international cuisine.

Agreed. Agreed.

Dare we try the deep fried
mozzarella stick platter?

Mmm. They do a lovely wine
pairing with that so...

Sorry, I'm late.

Is everybody here or
are other people coming?

I don't know. Is anyone else coming?

No. This is uh, this is it.

In case you didn't
know, I'm widely popular.

Some might even venture
to call me beloved.

That's a bit of a stretch.

Welcome Stevie.

I, I, I'm sorry if I'd
known you were coming

I would have them set
three places but...

- Oh.
- Did I not tell you?

But, you know, hey,
the more the merrier.

I'm just going to hit
the restroom real quick.

And then I'll come back.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

- Is this okay?
- Yeah. Why?

Because he bought you a present.

It's very nicely wrapped.

So I think I'm crashing a date?

Oh, no. No, no.

He thinks you guys
were here, one-on-one.

He brought you a present.

I didn't even get you a present.

No, I noticed that.

Do you want me to look?

No I don't want you to look.

Okay, I'll just say this...

if there's anything
remotely sentimental in here,

he is on a date with you right now.

Sophie Nguyen...

Brad Poloski...

Which ones are your parents?

Oh, um, I told them not to come.

Alexis Rose.

Oh, I see you found my present.

Um, Yeah. We just didn't
want anything to spill on it.

So you put it on the table?

- Yeah.
- Huh...

Open it, David!

Oh, no, no, no no,
you can open it later.

It's really not a big deal.

It's not...

This is the first gift
I haven't bought myself

in a very long time.

So thank you.

You're gonna be really underwhelmed

when you open it. Trust me.

It's not-See. It's nothing.

What is it?

Oh, it's just the receipt

from our first sale at the store.

Um, this is not nothing.

So, thank you.

I overheard someone
wanted Mozzarella sticks

for their birthday.

Pretty sure I scraped
off all the freezer burn.

Wow. Look at those.

Do you guys need anything else?

'Cause I'm just heading out so...

You know what, I have to go too.

I totally forgot.

I'm gonna take some to go.

Okay. I should warn you,
these don't travel well.

Even coming from the kitchen
they lost a lot of shape.

Um, this is a very solid frame.

Thank you, I'm learning.

- Shall we?
- Mmm.

- What are you doing here?
- It's your graduation.

What do you think I'm doing here?
I was just taking pictures.

I just quit, I thought
you wouldn't wanna come...

Let's try to find
another word for 'quit.'

You know, it kinda
implies poor management.

Besides you just,

'cause you've decided to move on,

doesn't mean we can't
still see each other, right?

Mhm.

Move... down. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Thank you.

I'm really glad you're here.

Me too.

I'm gonna have to look at those photos

before you share them or post them.

Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

No, I-I'm very sorry to tell you

that we are all booked up tonight.

No room at the inn!

Yeah.

No, no. I can imagine
with that many kids

and a grandmother,
that it might be tough

getting last-minute
accommodations but...

Hello? Hello?

Wow, isn't this a hot spot
to be on a Friday night, huh?

Well, this is a big night, Roland.

- That's good.
- Waiting for our last guest.

He was supposed to be
show up an hour ago.

Well, Johnny, I would love
to sit and wait with you,

but I've got a reservation,

so if you could just give me
my room key that'd be great.

- You have a reservation?
- Mhm.

Yeah. Roland, we have
a full house tonight,

and I do not see your name down here.

Johnny, you'll find me
under... Damien Steele.

You're Damien Steele?

Shh! Come on,

I don't want the whole town to find out.

Roland, I've been waiting here all night

for Damien Steele

It's David's birthday,
Alexis is graduating.

See Johnny, the mayor of the town

can't use his real name
to check into a love motel.

Yeah, it's not a love motel, Roland.

Oh, It will be tonight, my friend.

See, Jocelyn and I
have a yearly tradition.

Every grad night we like to
pretend to be other people...

- if you know what I mean.
- Yeah, you just told me what you mean.

Oh, we've been doing this
ever since our own grad night.

If you catch my drift.

Yeah, I caught your drift
when you told me what you mean.

So when Joce shows up and she says

her name is Lisa Meriweather,

just roll with it, okay?

Here is your key, Roland.

Okay. Damien.

Congratulations, graduates,

in honor of your achievement,

we have an extra special surprise.

- Hm.
- Hm. Okay.

I think we're good here.

Oh really? She said, extra special.

I think we should stay.

♪ Oohhh Tu, baroo, Tu baroo ♪

♪ Sha la la, Ohhhh... ♪

♪ Tu, Tu, Tu, baroo ♪

♪ Ohhhh, oohhhh ♪

♪ Sha la la, ♪

♪ Ohhhh, bop ♪

♪ Baby I'm yours (baby I'm Yours) ♪

♪ And I'll be yours until ♪

♪ The stars fall from the sky ♪

♪ Yours until the
rivers all run dry ♪

♪ In other words, until I die (Bop) ♪

♪ Baby I'm yours (baby I'm Yours) ♪

♪ And I'll be yours (yours) ♪

♪ Until the sun no longer shines ♪

Well, that was a fun night.

I'm really glad I decided to invest

in your business, David.

That is really lovely thing to say.

And I'm so glad you did, Patrick,

because you've really helped to turn it

into the success that it is.

Hmm. A bold claim.

Thank you.

- For what?
- Um, I've never done that before...

with a guy.

Okay.

Yeah. And uh,

I was getting a little scared

that I was gonna let you leave here

without us having done that.

So uh,

thank you...

for um...

making that happen for us.

Well, um,

fortunately, I'm an
very generous person.

So...

Can we talk tomorrow?

Hm. We can talk whenever you'd like.

Just preferably not before 10 a.m.,

Um, 'cause I'm not
really a morning person.

Mhm.

Goodnight, David.

Goodnight, Patrick.

- Happy birthday, David.
- Happy graduation, Alexis.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow, ♪

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow, ♪

♪ For they're two
jolly good fellows... ♪

♪ For graduating today
and being born today ♪

"Happy day Alex and Davis".

We've done the best we can.

And we should congratulate your mother

on her performance tonight.

Awww.

Let's not forget, your father, Mr. Rose,

sold out this motel
for the first time ever.

- Okay.
- Yeah!

♪ For we're all jolly good people, ♪

♪ For we're all
jolly good people... ♪

♪ For we're all
jolly good people... ♪

Okay, I think that this
is really pulling focus

from my birthday a bit though.

♪ That your Mother and me... ♪

♪ And Father and me... ♪

♪ Are so proud oooffff! ♪

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
Schitt's Creek - S03E13 - Grad Night