Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Pregnancy Test - full transcript

Okay, so I'm thinking like,

Season five Carrie Bradshaw,

like, super professional and polished,

but also like, chill and flirty

in an impossibly expensive sort of way.

You do know that this is your first day

at Elmdale College,
and not Vogue, right?

Hush, David, because Jocelyn
said that only

her top students go to Elmdale.

Okay, I think that says more
about Jocelyn as a teacher

than it does her students.



Kids, it's garbage day.

Oh good, ours is full.

Okay, I've told you
both a thousand times,

tie up the bags and leave
them outside your door!

Okay, but I like, just
put something in it

that made it full, though.

Yeah, and you're already wearing
your little gloves, though.

Okay, do me a favour, David,
and don't mention this to dad,

'cause I haven't chosen my courses yet,

and if he finds out he's
just gonna like, buzz around

until I ask him his opinion.

And no offense to him,
but I don't want it.

This is the same
college where Malala gave

that devastating
commencement speech, right?



I don't know, David, maybe he did.

Anyway, I have a lot of big changes

happening in my life right now,

so I'd appreciate it if you
were a little bit more onside.

Okay.

- Where'd Alexis go?
- She went for a run,

apparently there are
some really big changes

happening in her life right now.

Yeah, I should say so.

Why are you waving a
thermometer in my face?

- It's a pregnancy test.
- Ewww! What?!

Well, it's a smiley face,

so I'm assuming it's a positive result.

Well, that's presumptuous.

Are we a 100% sure it's hers?

Well, this test is a
100% sure it's someone's!

Oh, are you serious? I was
ready to stop after one!

Come to think of it,

she has been very up and down lately,

but I've been just
chalking that up to the fact

that her personal life is
like a steaming pile of...

- Someone needs to talk to her!
- Well, don't look at me,

I'm pretty sure she already
knows it's a mistake!

No, I'll talk to her.

Yes, I'll tell her
she has no right to lay

this financial and
psychological burden on us!

Well, maybe I'll talk to her...

Now she has to move
into one of those homes

- for unwed mothers!
- Oh my God, imagine?

Moira, that's not gonna happen.

Oh, I'm sure there are plenty of them
on this side of the tracks.

Let the nuns take care
of the little stranger!

What Alexis needs now is to
feel supported by her family!

- Hah!
- Okay.

Um, I'm just gonna say it,
I am not in a place right now

to be emotionally available to a baby.

You know I'm a little
disappointed in you, David,

you spend a lot of time with Alexis,

you could've done a better
job looking out for her!

Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a condom.

Aaaah! I always knew this would happen!

Oh, God help us all.

Okay, I just think I'm in
a state of shock right now,

you know, the news was very numbing,

and I'm feeling very alone. Mhmm. Mm!

Imagine how Alexis must feel.

Yeah, I haven't spoken to her.

Huh. Remind what this is again?

That is a eucalyptus under eye serum.

Mhmm...

and remind me why you
can't apply it to yourself?

Because it requires a steady hand,

and I'm going through a lot right now.

Right...

Hi, I was looking for some uh...

Yeah, we don't sell that.

- Bath salts?
- We actually do sell those.

They're on the middle
shelf, just over there.

I'll be over to help you in a second.

Okay, between Alexis getting knocked up,

and us not having enough
privacy to connect,

I'm feeling very shaken.

Do you think you're
gonna make it, though?

Unclear. Unclear on whether I'm
gonna make it through or not.

Hang in there.

Jocelyn, oh, I seem to
have left my sunglasses behind,

you haven't discovered them
amidst your cleaning, have you?

You mean, the ones on top of your head?

And there they are.

And I'm off, then.

Moira, is everything all right?

You seem a little distracted today.

No, I'm-I'm just a
little distracted today.

I'm having one of those days myself.

We're in the midst of a family crisis,

if you must know!

- Well, I don't wanna pry, so...
- Well, you've cracked me open.

- Alexis is pregnant.
- What?

I know! We discovered the
test in her bathroom today.

- You did?
- And to think when I awoke,

my biggest concern was how to make

that ragtime medley of yours work.

Uh huh...

It's just flagrant irresponsibility!

To allow an unscheduled
conception to occur!

- Moira?
- Oh, she has no idea

of the toll a baby
can take on its mother,

or its mother's mother.

Moira, I'm the one who's pregnant.

- If only.
- It's true.

I was dropping off Alexis' course book,

and I had gotten the
test from the pharmacy,

and I was so anxious to find out,

that I took the test
in Alexis' bathroom.

Oh Jocelyn, oh Jocelyn!

Oh, what a wonderful
surprise for us all!

Oh! I know.

I thought it was menopause
that was making me late,

and giving me the cravings,
and morning sickness.

I wouldn't know.

Listen, can you do me a favour,

and just keep this
between the two of us,

because Roland doesn't know yet.

Oh! Oh Jocelyn, Roland's not the father?

Of course he is, I just haven't found

the right time to tell him.

Don't wait, best to rip
it off like a band aid.

You're probably right.

It's just that we
weren't expecting this.

One must prepare for any event.

Miracles don't take reservations.

Ahhh! Oh...

Oh, hi, honey.

My God, how long have
you been sitting there?

Oh, I didn't realize it took you so long

to put your makeup on.

Can I help you with something?

Just wondering how you're feeling.

Fine, a little nervous.

Well, that's understandable,
comes with the territory.

Uh... it might help if we chat about it.

Um no, I don't want to
chat about it. I'm late.

Well, I know you're late, sweetheart.

I knew this was gonna happen!

I knew you were gonna get
way too involved in this.

David has already given me a hard time.

I know, and believe me,

I will be talking to David about that.

Now... Ted,

is he being supportive?

- I haven't even told Ted.
- Oh.

I just wanna do one thing on my own!

And you're sure this is
the right one thing to pick?

Okay, please don't
stress me out about this!

This is supposed to be fun!

And it will be fun,
honey, it will be, in time.

You know, it will also be a lot of work.

I know that!

And not to mention, a lot of money.

Why do you think I've
been saving up my money

from the vet's office?

How long have you known about this?

Oh my God, you are
being so extra right now!

- I have to go!
- Okay,

clearly this is not a good time,

but I just want you to know
your mother and I are here,

whenever you feel
comfortable enough to talk,

although I'd suggest
talking to me, and...

not your mother.

You are making way
too big a deal of this.

If I don't like it, I'll
just give it up, and move on!

Okay?

Ding, ding!

Ahem. Hi.

We're actually closed today.

It's one o'clock on a Friday.

Okay, is there something
I can help you with?

Do you give all your customers this kind
of VIP treatment?

Actually, I do, and I
would love to keep chatting,

it's just that Patrick and I
were working on fixing a uh...

a light bulb in the
back, so we... oh, hey.

- Hey, Stevie.
- Hi.

David and I were just in the
back doing some inventory.

- Yeah.
- Hmm, yeah.

Seems like you guys are really busy...

- at work.
- Uh...

- Ooh, what's that?
- What's what?

You got a little red
um... is that a bug bite?

Or a little mouth shaped sunburn?

Looks like a hickey, actually.

But it's not, it's not a...
It's not a hickey, right?

Because that would be disgusting,

and wildly unprofessional.

David, did you give me a hickey?!

Okay no, I didn't, I
gave you a-a half hickey,

because we haven't had
the time or the privacy

for me to give you a full hickey!

If you give me $50
bucks I'll stand outside,

and tell people you're on lunch.

I'll give you 50 cents to stand outside

- and never come back!
- You see,

this is why we can't do this here.

- Desperate times, huh?
- No, trying times,

Nothing about this is desperate.

It's just that there's a
lot of people at the motel,

and Patrick is renting a room from Ray.

- Who really likes to chat.
- Yeah.

So there has literally
been zero privacy.

Well, if you want, I'm
happy to offer you guys

my apartment for the night.

Why? Why would you do that?

Because I care about you two.

Okay, and where will you be?

Well, if you must know,
work's been really stressful,

so I'm going to take a little
me time at a spa in Elmdale.

That is super generous,

but wouldn't be a little bit weird

us having alone time at your place?

Especially because you guys have...

- Oh God no! No, we've never...
- No, never, ew!

- We've never done that there.
- Never. I still live there.

I mean, we could consider it.

What exactly is the catch?

No catch.

- David!
- What?

- We'll take the place.
- Okay, we'll take the place.

Great, and I'll take this.

So there's a bit of a catch.

- You know, Moira, it's not as bad as I thought.
- Mmm...

If David sells the store, and uh...

and you get some part time work,

and we get a good price for the car,

I think we can make it through
the first two years easy,

and then we just have
to figure out preschool.

John, as much as I appreciate
your budgetary prowess,

it turns out there is no
immediate need for concern.

Well, now we're all taking
this a little too lightly.

Alexis isn't the one who's pregnant.

Someone else is, but
don't press me for details,

because I've been sworn to secrecy.

- You've been sworn...
- It's Jocelyn!

But you're not supposed to know.

She hasn't told Roland yet.

- Jocelyn!
- Huh?

She was appropriately
gobsmacked herself.

And I must say, I am entirely relieved.

Yeah, that's it's not Alexis!

But save that spreadsheet, John,

and you might want to add a
line item for prophylactics.

- Tomorrow's another day.
- Yeah, well, don't worry,

I've already had a
serious talk with Alexis,

though now I'm wondering what exactly...

we were talking about.

Um, hey, excuse me,

Um, I'm looking for
the registrar's office.

It's in there.

Okay, I'm just like,
a little bit confused,

because on the brochure it looks like

it's in a moss covered
building by the lake.

So... I'm guessing
the quad is just like,

on the other side of the building?

The office is in there, make a right.

A 100%.

Ooh...

- Okay, hi. Hi!
- Hmm, what's up?

I am what this brochure
calls a prospective student.

Cool, so you're not enrolled yet?

No, I am enrolled, um, prospectively.

I was wondering if there's
like, a campus tour,

- or something?
- Wow...

well, it wouldn't be
much of a tour, but...

yeah, I guess I could
walk you back up the hall,

if you want.

Okay, it's just that
this brochure is like,

a little bit confusing.

Yeah, we couldn't afford
in house photography,

so we just used stock
images. See? Watermark there.

This is actually a still

from "Dead Poets Society."

I feel like that's false advertising,

especially considering what
I am paying for these courses.

Yeah, but you get free
coffee and doughnuts.

Oh, and like, um, an agenda.

Yeah, it's off by a day.

So... I wouldn't use it.

Okay great, I would
like a refund, please.

Uh, the problem is, is
we don't give refunds.

Okay, then I guess I would
just like my money back, then.

- Again, we don't give refunds.
- Okay, okay.

This is the first time
that I've ever invested

in anything myself, and
I thought that was like,

the responsible choice, but clearly,

this is like, a joke school.

Well, that's why most students
do their courses online.

Oh. So like, potentially,

I could refund my refund request,

do all my courses online, and like,

never have to ever come back here again?

That's actually how I
keep my side hustle going,

part time DJ.

Here's my card, in case
you have any problems,

or you wanna go on a date, or something.

Okay. Well, I won't
be doing any of that,

but thank you so much.

Ooh!

Please, come in, come in.

- Ooh.
- Welcome.

Make yourselves at home.

Just so you know, there's
nothing in the fridge.

Oh, and I marked the booze,
so I'll know if you touch it.

I noticed the line is a couple inches
above where the whiskey starts.

I am stunned by your generosity.

Um, where exactly are you going tonight?

Out to a spa.

Which she already told us,
so maybe just say thank you.

Oh no, I did, I did say
thank you multiple times.

Um, what is the name of the spa?

David! Let's just let her go, okay?

Okay, yeah.

- Are we expecting company, or?
- N-no, I wasn't!

Hey, pony! Are you ready to go?

What are you doing? I said
I would meet you outside!

I said I'd help you with your bags.

David. Wow, it's been a while.

- Pony.
- Hey...

- Mm-mmm! Ahem!
- Wow, you look good.

Who's this guy?

- This is my... that's...
- Patrick.

- That's Patrick.
- And you are?

- Picking up Stevie.
- Yeah, we're gonna go, so...

So I'm not getting a name, then.

Um, so you and "pony,"

what do you have planned for tonight?

Well, it's date night,
so we thought maybe

we'd spend it in the woods.

Yeah, just galloping
around the woods, huh?

Yeah, with your "pony."

Not at a spa. So...

- I take it you two are still...
- Seeing each other, yes.

As it turns out we are.

After we all broke up,

Stevie came over to
end things officially,

- and it just didn't stick, so.
- Yeah. Yeah.

No, it didn't stick, did it.

Now, when you say "we all broke up... "

So you offering your apartment

had nothing to do
with any guilt you felt

about harboring a little secret?

Nope. Just trying to
be a good person, so.

We're gonna go, leave you two lovebirds.

Unless you two wanna come?

Nope! I don't think so.

- Come on.
- You do you.

Good to meet you, man.

So we're gonna talk about this, right?

Yep, I'm just gonna
grab that bottle of...

- Whiskey? Yeah.
- Yeah, the whiskey.

So Roland, you're probably wondering why

I'm taking you out for tacos tonight.

Well honey, you don't need a
special reason for taco night.

No, but there is a
special reason tonight.

There's something that I
wanted to talk to you about,

something exciting.

Oh, hold that thought, honey.

Hey, Johnny, Moira, Jocelyn's
just about to tell me

something exciting, come and join us.

Oh, no, no, no, far be
it for us to intrude.

No, I think it's best that Jocelyn share

this life altering
news, whatever it may be,

- on her own.
- Yeah.

And we'll probably take another table,

because I skipped lunch and
you know me when I'm hungry.

Look out!

Uh, we'll sit over here.

Johnny, I am not gonna ask again.

No, no, no.

No, in fact I am gonna ask again.

- And again. And again.
- Roland...

- Get over here, and sit yourself down!

It's okay Moira, take a seat.

Okay, okay well, John and
I will just study the menu,

- as they keep making amendments.
- Yeah...

Hmm... So Roland,

you might have noticed
that I've been on a real

Dorito casserole kick lately,

and there's a reason for that.

Besides wanting to
keep me as your husband?

Am I right, Johnny?

Oh, I need to be a part of this.

The last time I made that casserole

was when I was pregnant with Mutt.

And I've really been
craving that casserole again.

Yeah.

Well, that's understandable, honey,

I mean, it's a terrific casserole.

I'd kill for a casserole right now.

Rollie, how are you not getting this?

- Have we decided?
- I'm pregnant!

We're having a baby.

- Oh my goodness!
- Yeah, Twyla,

I'm gonna have the
bottomless French Onion soup,

and maybe you might wanna drop
a little calamari on the table.

- John!
- Yes! Oh, oh, pregnant?

Wow! Wonderful news.

Hey, congratulations, fella.

Yes, we are stunned!

Honey... are you okay?

Okay?

Of course I'm okay!

Oh my God!

We're having a baby!

Champagne for everybody, on me!

- I can't drink, Rollie.
- Oh right, you're driving.

Uh you know what Twyla, actually,

let's just do one beer,
one beer for me. Okay?

Congratulations, you two.

Well, I can honestly say
from the bottom of my heart,

that I couldn't be happier

that this is happening
to you and your family!

So this is for you. Um...

cheers to privacy.

Sorry, I've just gotta go
through that one more time.

So you dated Jake and
then Stevie dated Jake.

Mhmm... mhmm.

And at one point, you all...

No, see, that's where you're wrong.

- We almost all, but I said no.
- Ah.

Because Stevie and I agreed
that that would be a bad idea,

but it appears that I'm
the only one that held up

my end of that agreement.

And you're upset about
this because you still...

No! I'm not upset!

- I-I don't want any of that!
- No...

It's a principle thing.

And we are getting
sidetracked right now.

Okay? So...

who is feeling sexy?

Getting there for sure,
I just-you know, I...

I knew you had a rich
dating history, David,

I just didn't expect to
be graced by the presence

of two of your exes tonight.

Yeah, funny thing, neither did I. So...

- But...
- Mhmm?

Given that we only have
the apartment for one night.

- Mmm.
- Maybe it's best if we...

lock that box back up for now?

- I think that's a good idea.
- Mhmm. Mhmm.

You know what, we didn't
even get into your history...

- Lock it up, David. Lock it up.
- Oh, okay.

Hey, so I've been thinking
about what you said,

and it is a big expense,

but I think I can find
a way to make it work.

What's happening?

Dad's trying to get me
to drop out of college.

No, that's not what was happening!

I-I thought we were talking
about something else.

What else?

Oh, he thought you were pregnant.

- What? Ew!
- Well, we all did.

Oh my God, that's so mean!

Oh, look who's here.
Where were you all night?

Um... out-side.

I was outside.

A little past curfew.

Oh burn, David.

I'm sorry, I was processing
Alexis' situation.

- David, Alexis isn't...
- No, it's okay.

I mean, have your fun now David,

because when the twins arrive,

I'm gonna really need your help.

Um, that's a hard pass.

You're gonna be so
involved in their lives.

Mm, your body, your problem.

David, Alexis isn't pregnant.

Okay, but just picture them
as like, tiny little roommates,

whose tiny little poops
you get to clean up!