Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Motel Review - full transcript

Schitt's Creek - S03E08
"Motel Review"

Listen, I've gotta step out for a bit,

I told Stevie if she needed any help...

Well, where are you off to?

To pick up the motel coasters.

Oh, you were serious.

Yeah, custom coasters

are a very effective marketing tool.

Says who?! The guy who
invented custom beer cozies?

- Coasters work.
- Yes, the last thing we want to do

is stain these exquisite table tops.



Moira, you're having a drink,

you glance down at your coaster,

it says, "tweet us on Facebook!"

Or uh, "leave us a review!"

And you say, yeah, yeah,

okay, I think I will.

Is that what it says?

Yes David, that's what it says,

you're not the only one
with an online presence.

- No, no...
- Well, aren't you Mr. Futuristic!

Listen, we had samples made.

Take a look.

There's no address on this.

Oh, wow!



Aren't we stuck in the Dark Ages.

Huh? Let me break it
down for you, junior.

If they're at the motel
using the coasters,

they don't need to
know where the motel is.

Um, I was referring to a web address.

Or a Twitter handle.

Oh.

Hmm, that might be something
you'd wanna put on there.

Or a Facebook page.

All right, let me write this down.

Or a hashtag.

A hashtag? Is that two words?

No, it's not.

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --

-- Synced by the_foe --
-- Hello for my Boba! --

Hi, sorry to bother you.

I'm afraid Mr. Rose
has just stepped out,

He's gone to get coasters.

Yeah, wait, he said that you
might be available to help.

- Did he?!
- It's just that we have um,

a bunch of guests checking in,

and I could really use some help.

- Now!
- Now?

Well then, I am here for you, Stevie.

Uh, let's see...

something in a supervisory
capacity, perhaps?

Then you can work the front desk.

Ooh, receptionist work
is not my strong suit,

that's more Alexis' bailiwick.

The other option is changing the sheets,

and mattress covers.

Then I shall keep watch
over this front desk.

Okay, I'll see you after lunch.

Alexis, do you mind
sticking around for a minute?

Okay.

I'm assuming that you know
why I wanna talk to you today?

Is it because I was texting in class?

Uh, nope.

I wanna talk about your paper.

There are parts of this that sound like

they've been written by someone else.

- Oh my God, thank you!
- No, no, no.

I'm saying that I
think it's plagiarized.

Are you sure you wrote this yourself?

Trust me, if I could've
gotten someone else

to write this, I would've.

I definitely wrote this.

Okay, there are just parts of this

that make me think that's not true.

For example,

"we should begin by scrutinizing

the duplicitousness of such businesses,

whose practices, or lack thereof,

can only be described as untoward."

Duplicitousness?!

I can barely say that.

And untoward?

Okay, yeah, no, I did not write this.

Can I see?

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

Can you just look? Can... eyes, eyes!

Hi. You're gonna write a new paper,

and I am gonna grade that one instead.

Otherwise it's a fail.

Okay, like, I didn't
even choose this font!

It's horrible.

_

Okay, look at her.

But don't really look
at her, look at me.

Look at her, and look at me.

Oh, that's good, that's good, closer.

Closer.

Yeah, we had an
appointment this morning.

Okay, here we go, one, two...

oh, that was good.

Uh remind me, are you
here for a photo series,

or travel planning,

or our newest service,

closet organization?

Um, I'm here to file
my incorporation papers

for my business.

Oh, that's right. Patrick!

Uh, B13.

Ah, this is for you.

- Patrick.
- David.

David Rose, you bought
the General Store.

Leased.

Leased the General Store, yeah.

- That's a big deal.
- Is it?

Yeah, it's pretty big.

Yeah, you wanna have a seat?

Your parents tell me you're very sporty,

so Will, why don't you grab the paddle,

and Theresa, a badminton racket?

So, why don't we start with
the name of the business?

Oh um, I'm oscillating

between two names at the moment,

so if we could just
leave that one blank,

- that would be great.
- Sure, sure.

Give you more time to... oscillate.

Um, business address?

Okay, so I'm working on that.

Um, I'm currently staying in a motel,

and I think it might be
confusing if I gave you

the address to another business.

Y-Yeah, for sure.

We'll leave that blank as well.

Battin' a thousand here, David.

I don't know what that means.

Hey, here's an easy one.

A brief description of the business.

Um well, it's-um,

it's a General Store,

but it's also a very specific store.

- Huh.
- And it's also not just a store,

it's like a place where
people can come and get coffee,

um, or drinks, but
it's not a coffee shop,

nor is it a bar.

Okay, so we're pretty
clear on what it's not.

Yeah, it's an environment. Um...

And yes, we will be selling things,

but it's more like...

more like a branded
immersive experience.

Right, I love the buzzwords, David,

but I do need to put
something down here.

Okay, you couldn't use
anything I just said?

I'll tell you what. Why don't you
take these home with you,

and just fill them
out when you have a...

a clearer idea of what you
want to do with your business.

Okay, um...

I do have a clear idea.

Oh! You've settled on a name, then?

Um... you're either very impatient,

or extremely sure of yourself.

I threw you a bit of
a change-up there, huh?

Yeah, again, I don't
know what that means,

I don't play cricket.

Look, take this, it's my card,

and I feel like you will need it.

Uh, you know what, I think I'm good.

Um, so thank you for this.

It's nice to meet you, David.

Yeah.

Okay Teresa, remember to breathe!

I'd like to check in, please.

Oh my God, where did you come from?

I said hello twice.

Well, hello, hello, then.

Here you go, room three.

Uh, don't you need my credit card?

My associates will deal with
all that when you depart.

Also, how many beds are in the room?

Two.

Would it be possible to get a cot,

or a roll away bed put in the room?

Oh, you're expecting company?

No, I use it to lay out my clothes.

The chest of drawers should suffice, no?

I like to see all my clothes at once.

Might the other bed not do?

Yes...

Except I haven't decided
which bed to sleep in,

so that's tricky.

Really, the cot would be best.

- A cot it is, then.
- Thank you.

Oh, and are the pillows
feather, or foam?

- Yes.
- Sorry, which one?

- I don't care.
- I'm sorry?

I don't know!

I'm not entirely versed on the contents

of the motel's pillow collection.

I was just asking.

And I'm very much looking forward

to the moment when that stops!

- Well!
- Enjoy your stay.

Oh hi, honey!

How was school?

Um, not great.

Jocelyn failed my economics paper.

What?!

You worked so hard on that!

Yeah, which is why
it was super upsetting

when she said it wasn't good.

- She what?
- Yeah, she said it was bad.

No, sorry, um...

"poorly written, and under-researched."

Well, that's just not true!

Well, you have to go
back and tell Jocelyn

that information was founded

on practical experience in the field!

It should've been
founded on my research.

Oh, well yes, I'm sure...

Well, your research was all over it.

Dad, what did you do to my paper?!

I didn't do anything!

I didn't do anything with your paper.

Your laptop was open, I did...

a little editing, nothing major.

I've been accused of plagiarism!

- What?
- Yeah!

Jocelyn thought I
cheated because "someone"

used words like duplexity,

and backtowards!

- Untoward.
- Whatever!

And now I have to do
the whole thing again,

when my original paper was totally fine!

Well, it wasn't totally fine, honey.

There was... questionable grammar,

and a few spelling
mistakes, and I mean...

- Dad!
- All right, I'll back off.

Thank you!

Just out of curiosity,

did she... happen to say
anything about that quote

from Lee lacocca?

That's for you.

- Those are the clean sheets.
- No, I know.

Um, so I went to
incorporate earlier today,

and some guy basically told me

that my business was a failure.

- What?!
- Yeah!

- Who told you that?
- Some guy who's working at Ray's.

Some guy who's working at Ray's
told you your business was a failure?

Basically, yeah.

Oh well, what did he say?

He told me to come back to him

once I had a clearer idea
of what my business was.

And then he told you it was a failure?

Well no, not like... Not exactly.

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to figure out

when he called your business a failure.

Okay, maybe he didn't
call my business a failure,

- but it was insinuated.
- Okay.

So you know that I think
your business is a good idea,

and you know that I mean that,

because... I'm incapable
of faking sincerity.

I'm also just incapable
of sincerity in general.

Okay, you know what, I'm
going through it right now,

and I actually think that
I might've been the one

that insinuated that my
business was a failure.

Wait, you blew something
out of proportion?

No, what if he's right?

I am sitting on a big, empty space,

and I couldn't even tell him
what I wanted to do with it!

- You're freaking out.
- Uh...

Because you know what you
wanna do with your business,

you have walked me through
it one too many times.

So... he was probably
just trying to help.

No, I mean, he was very snippy.

Okay, um...

I found this under the bed in room two,

so do you wanna take a break?

That's disgusting!

Uh, and yes. Yeah.

♪

Hi David, it's Patrick.

I um-was just calling
to run my business plan

uh, by you in a little more detail.

So feel free to give me a call back,

and I will be happy
to walk you through it.

Okay, ciao.

Ciao! I said ciao to that person.

Hi Patrick,

Yeah, I think I... I
think I called you David.

Which that's not - that's not your name.

You can just delete that text,

the-the voice-mail
that I left you.

Um, just thought it might be a good idea

to give you some background
information about...

the-the store.

It's basically a General Store.

Um, that will support local artists

under the brand of the store,

which-which would
also be my brand-oh.

Sorry, I just got a text.

Oh God!

Yeah, the text cut us off.

Oh my god!

Well, at least I finished my book.

Moira, what happened this morning?

John, you'd be so proud of me.

I manned that front desk with the vigor

of a wartime radio operator.

Really?!

I checked in one whole guest.

Answered his questions, and believe me,

it was a laundry list!

I see, and is there any
chance you might've been...

a little brisk with this guest?

Not in the slightest.

It was a master class in patience.

Moira, I just got an alert,

that someone has posted a
terrible review of this motel.

Oh no, John!

Well dear, if I've learned
anything from the theater,

it's whatever they say,

you cannot take it personally.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
this is not about me.

"I was served by an intimidating
woman at the front desk,

with an unrecognizable accent,

and scary-looking attire."

And what might this have to do with me?

- Moira?
- Oh, that...

fussy little (Bleep)!

After niggling me with
relentless demands!

It doesn't matter!

Our job is to welcome people,

to make them feel at home!

I did!

John, do you know a better hostess?

You're gonna have to talk to him!

- Apologize!
- You can't be serious!

Moira, one bad review
could sink this motel!

We had four good reviews,

and this just brought
down the whole average!

Okay, John.

For you I will talk to
that odious little man,

and set things straight.

- Good.
- But unlike him,

I will not hide behind the internet!

♪

Hi.

Um...

So I messed up my form.

And I'm going to need another...

form from you.

Oh, okay.

What?

Nothing, I'm just uh,

I'm so glad you made such
good use of my business card.

I'm sorry I didn't pick
up, I was at a thing.

Well, best you didn't.

But I got all your messages.

Ah, um, and just
listened to the first one,

and then erased the rest?

- No, no, no, no.
- No?

No, I listened to all of them,

I kinda had to, to piece them together.

Actually, I played them
for a few friends of mine,

I was at a birthday party,

so there were a lot
of people weighing in.

Okay, um...

Just kidding, I didn't
play them for anybody.

I thought the first few
were very humorous, David,

and then I lost interest.

I may have played them
here on speaker phone.

Okay.

Can I just get the
paperwork, and then I can...

You know, the good
thing about the messages

was that I was able to
get enough information

to fill out your forms.

Oh.

I wish I could remember.

It's a good idea, your business.

Re-branding local products and crafts,

it's very inventive.

- Thanks.
- And I like the name.

"Rose Apothecary," you know,

it's just pretentious enough.

Would we call that pretentious,

or... timeless?

So I'll call you when I hear something.

And hey, if I don't get a hold of you,

I'll just uh,

leave a message.

Okay, thanks.

Ciao!

Hard at it, huh?

Mhmm.

You know honey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for interfering,
I was only trying to help.

Why couldn't you have helped
me cheat in private school,

like everyone else's parents?!

Because I wasn't around to
help you cheat back then,

and I regret it!

The not being around, I mean.

And I think that's part of the reason

I wanted to help you cheat this time.

Although...

I don't really consider it cheating.

Mmm. okay, well, it is.

It is, but is it...

really plagiarism to take
something your dad wrote,

and put it in your paper,
and claim it as your own?

Yes, that's exactly what it is.

Well...

I'm sorry.

And I may have
underestimated you before,

but that is certainly...
not the case now.

Thank you.

And you know why, honey?
Because you're better...

"than" that.

Thank you.

N-No, you're better...

"than" that.

Okay, I'm better then that.

Not better then that, better...

than that.

Okay, I don't know what
you're talking about right now!

All right, well if
you don't want my help,

"than" I guess I'll leave.

Okay, thank you!

Okay, I'll see you later... "than."

Bye!

Ugh!

Hi.

The drinks out of this
machine are very cold.

- Oh, good.
- Too cold.

When I hold them, they sting my hands.

We'll have to find you some mittens.

I'm quite prone to frostbite.

I know you wrote that review.

It's my responsibility
to relate my experience

- to other customers.
- Is it?

I didn't even mention that the hot
water runs brown for three seconds.

All right, I'll agree,

this motel could use some improvements.

But your review will scare
off the guests we need

to afford those improvements.

I was just being honest.

I see.

Then I suppose I should be honest.

My daughter married a man who
turned out to be her uncle.

I'm sorry?

The lowlife uncle she
believed to have been executed

years before by the Indian cartel.

This is all on my ex-husband's side,

I'm good people, and so's my daughter.

She had nothing to do
with Raven's accident.

When the Bangalores
finally found Dagger,

and gave him what he deserved,

they threatened to burn down the motel,

and leave my pregnant baby penniless.

This motel?

She begged them to let
her keep this place,

and she promised them a cut
of the profits in return.

They laughed, and left,

but not without first shaving
all her beautiful hair!

When people ask me, why do
you work here for nothing?

I tell them, this is my flesh and blood!

I do this for her!

Nothing! She is my everything!

Okay, wow, I had no idea.

I can take down that review.

- Oh, I...
- I'll take it down.

Oh, do what you must.

Good morning, Roses.

I just wanted to pop by
to congratulate Alexis

on her economics paper.

Oh honey, that's great news!

Our little woman of academia!

I would love to read
this economics paper.

I will admit that your thesis

of "why shop in store
when you can buy online"

was a little off-topic,

but still a really fresh take.

Thank you.

Well, look at you,
Alexis, acing your paper!

Oh, no, no, God no.

I gave her a solid C plus.

Oh, so she did write it herself.

It was a noticeable improvement

over the first paper.

Um well, I should hope so!

Well, m-maybe not a
noticeable improvement,

but um, a different improvement.

No, no, this one was definitely better.

Because no one helped her write it.

Enjoy your breakfast.

Mm!

Have you seen Dad's coasters?

"Follow us on tweeters!"

Tweeters!

We're going to get
lots of disciples, dear.

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --
Schitt's Creek - S03E08 - Motel Review