Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Affair - full transcript

Schitt's Creek - S03E09
"The Affair"

John, do you have the car keys?

Do I have the car keys? No. No.

But according to the sign-out sheet,

I was the last person to use the car.

Well, that's not very helpful, John.

You're the only one
using the sign-out sheet.

Well, that's not true.

Stevie's got her name on the sheet.

Wait a minute, why is
Stevies name on the sheet?

She's got her own car.



David! Do you know
where the car keys are?

Yeah, I have them.

Oh, well, then why isn't your
name on the sign-out sheet.

Because you're the only one
using that sign-out sheet.

David, I need the car keys,

your father is driving
me to Thornbridge.

I'm driving you to Thornbridge?

To that municipalities conference. Yes.

I thought Roland offered to drive you.

Oh, he did. But no thanks.

I can't take four hours
in the truck with Roland

and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Okay, Alexis and I need the car,

we're running some errands
for the store today.



Um, since when?

Uh, since I need help for a pick-up.

And Mom clearly already has a lift,

and I'm pretty sure
parents are supposed to

put their children before themselves.

Oh really? No.

If airplane safety videos
have taught me anything, David,

it's that a mother puts
her on own mask on first.

Ah, see, and that's precisely
why we have the sign-out sheet.

For this kind of dispute.

Okay. Fine.

Now my name is on the list.

And there's a sheep farm that's
expecting us in 20 minutes

for a pick-up of some wool throws.

No, no, no. No, no.

Your mother already
expressed a verbal intention

to use the car.

Okay, we're gonna have the
car back in a few hours.

Okay. Well, I might
need it for a few hours

after that though.

Fine, we'll just keep it for the day.

John!

You people are abusing the system.

It's not a difficult system.

Moira, look at this.

Under purpose of trip
he writes "driving."

--Synced by the_foe for Boba--

Whoa, hold it right there.

I want to see the look on your face

when you walk into your
first regional association

of municipalities conference.

And there it is.

Ah, name tags.

Let's get suited up.

Thank you but no, Roland.

I won't wear anything
with an adhesive backing.

Ah-ha.

Oh, hey, Moira, look over there.

You see that guy over
there? The well dressed one?

That's Gavin Mccrae.

Mayor of Thornbridge.

Hm. You mean the one serving
drinks to the other people?

Okay. Maybe he's the
other guy over there.

Also very well dressed.

Well, now you've identified
the catering staff.

Moira please, this is RAMC.

These are the people

with their fingers on
the button of everything

from road salting to
quarry inspection to...

- water tower repair.
- Hmm.

I mean, it's really kinda scary

that we're all in here under one roof.

Oh, it's frightening. Yes.

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna need you in there,

by my side when we
make this budget pitch.

You don't have to
worry about me, Roland.

If there is anyone at
this fabulous little confab

who know how to work a room
of fragile egos, it's me.

I once hosted the non-televised portion

of the People Choice Awards.

This is a actually a great idea, David.

Consolidating all of your
products under one label

instills brand recognition
and create synergy.

Um, I'm sure you're very excited

about all the new words you're learning

in your high school
intro to business course,

but I think a more effective
use of your time right now,

would be to go and get the hand cream

that I asked you to get ten minutes ago.

I got the hand cream.

Yeah. The box of hand cream.

I asked you to get
the box of hand cream,

not sample the hand cream.

That's like 53 pounds.

Why are you here?

You know what I think
would be really cute

is if I had my own little
label, like, under your label.

- Yeah...
- And I can sell festival wear,

and I can sell like hair
feathers and body jewelry...

David.

Wow, things are really
coming together in here.

Oh, um, we're actually not open yet.

But that's so sweet. Thank you.

We've been working very hard.

Well, I'm actually not here to shop.

I'm-I'm Patrick.

I'm just dropping off
David's business license.

Oh, isn't that just the cutest thing.

Um, David's in the back.

But I am Alexis,

and I'm currently studding business,

and I'm David's sister
and life coach so.

Well, it's great to meet you, Alexis.

Uh, I'm sorry if my hands are too soft.

I've just been sampling
a lot of product.

So... really soft.

They are.

Excuse me, Mrs. Rose,

if I may, just a couple of questions.

Were you surprised to get
such a big funding boost

for the municipalities?

That was quite the speech.

Oh... Thank you. Thank you.

What did I do?

Well, I was simply
channeled someone who cares,

but if you insist on referring
to me as the linchpin.

I'll take that.

That's right. We're...

We're just a couple linchpins here.

I'm Roland Schitt, Moira's boss...

Yes, I'll I'm the ingenue here.

A total babe in the political woods.

That's true. You know,
this is her first RAMC.

But I think under my wing,
she's-she's learning to fly.

- I've been mayor for ten years...
- Thank you.

And I did... Okay, we'll talk
when you have more time do...

There she is! The woman of the hour!

Oh my God, now they're
crowning me with titles.

Join us for drinks in the diamond club.

In the diamond club?

Hm. That sounds grand.

It's the hotel bar.

They have a special RAMC cocktail.

It's a sparkling white Russian.

The trick is to get it
down before it curdles.

As appealing as you
make that sounds, Roland,

I think I'll just go to my room.

Oh, come on!

Look, I never get this kind of...

I mean, our town doesn't get
recognized like this very often

and this time it's for
something really positive.

Okay. One drink.

This means a lot to you, doesn't it?

Yes, and to you.

Moira! Moira! Moira!

- Isn't it so soft?
- It is.

Whoa, might be tying it
a little too tight there.

Uh, that is actually cat hair.

There's a Himalayan
breeder up the street

that knits them for us. Hi.

Hi. I'm just dropping
off your business license.

And activating my allergies.

Oh, In that case you should
probably take that off.

- Yeah. Like now!
- Oh. Oh!

Isn't that the sweet
thing, that he framed it.

Um. It is very sweet.

Thank you, Patrick.

Actually, they... they all come framed.

Okay, thank God.

Because I was just
thinking that this frame

is a little too corporate for my brand.

David, I was just about to sample

the unisex Mennonite cologne on Patrick.

Um, that's not a sample.

And you've sampled half
the store at this point.

So we need to sell all this stuff.

Okay, well I flattened out the lip balm.

So no one's gonna notice.

There's a lot of stuff in here, David.

You don't wanna spend
too much money up front.

Yeah, that's not good, David.

You have to be prepared
to survive a full year

without making any profit.

Actually, the textbooks
now say eighteen months.

Well, what are the textbooks saying

about curating a selection
of products from local vendors

and selling them on
consignment in a one-stop-shop

retail environment,

that benefits the
vendor and the customer?

Well, I don't have my textbook on me.

I stand corrected.

Listen, if you need
help, I-I'm happy to help.

Why? Alexis is here helping.

Well, no. If Patrick has
offered to move all the boxes,

then I think we should let him.

Is that what I offered?

Okay, well, thank you, Patrick.

You're welcome.

Um, okay. So you can start by moving

all of those big things of hand cream.

What?

It's all so unbelievable, John!

I had forgotten what
it was like to be feted.

Moira?

What?! I can, I can
hardly hear you, John!

The cheering and accolades are
drowning out your gentle voice.

Oh, I take it things went well?

I'm a game-changer, Jo...

Hey... oh! Uh...

Oh, Gavin's brought out the hard stuff.

So darling, I must sign off.

All right, well, have fun, sweetheart,

and don't get too carried away.

I'm networking, John!

Do you know that I'm
actually good at this!

Who are you talking to?

It's my husband!

Was that for me?

Why am I-why am I getting booed?

That's... Wait! That's my man, Johnny!

Hey Johnny, it's Roland!

Hey, we're all here at RAMC!

You should be here,
Mary-something is here...

Gavin is here... The road salt guy...

Yeah. Okay, Roland.

Good. I'm having a bit
of a night myself here.

Come on!

Stop, I have to talk to my husband.

John. John.

Moira, you know, it might
be time for a coffee.

And I'm gonna let you go now.

And have fun, sweetheart.

We'll see you in the morning.

Goodbye, phone call!

Goodbye, my darling.

All right. Goodnight, sweetheart.

Oh, Moira, by the way, I
just picked up the new...

Okay.

John, shut the blinds.

Johnny, please.

- Moira?
- Hm?

- Oh
- Oh

Roland! What are you doing in my room?

What are you talking
about? This is my room.

Well, what the (Bleep)
are you doing in your room?

Well, I was trying to sleep.

Until you started pounding on the door,

telling me to whip up a salmon plate.

I finally let you in,
you flaked out on the bed.

Oh my God.

Are you naked under there?

Honey, what I do in
the privacy of my sheets

is my own business.

Oh, no. No God, no.

Oh, God, no.

- No, dear God.
- Welcome to RAMC.

Oh, my God No!

Jocelyn!

Almost didn't recognize you over there.

Hey Johnny.

It's been a morning,

but I don't have to tell you that.

Oh, I'm sorry. You've
had a tough morning?

You're handling this
way better than I am.

Handling what better?

Roland and Moira, sleeping together.

What?!

At the conference last night.

Yeah. No, no!

Let's just go back to
that previous sentence.

Ah, when you say they slept together...

Well, Roland says that they just slept

- in the same bed together.
- Ah-ha.

And he says that nothing happened,

so I'm just trying to, you
know, process all of this.

Oh yes. Well...

Aren't we all.

I mean, I'm-I'm hearing
about this for the first time.

Moira didn't tell you?

You know, we chatted this morning

about how successful the night was,

but sleeping with your husband

didn't really come up
as one of the reasons

the night was so successful.

And we probably shouldn't read anything

into the fact that for some reason,

Moira decided to hide this from you.

Oh, no, no. I wouldn't say "hide."

No, no.

Because Moira was so exhausted
when she got in this morning.

Maybe she was exhausted
because she was up all night

- with her mitts all over...
- No! No. No! No.

I know Moira and she would
never in a million years ever

sleep with...

Anyone. Else.

It's just that I know what it's like

to be in bed with a naked Roland Schitt,

and I am powerless against that.

He was naked?

He sleeps naked every night.

Do you wanna order some thing
to put chocolate sauce on?

No.

Um, David, I can swing by the store

and help out after school, if you want.

I also may need more of
that lip balm that I liked.

Okay. Um, I think we've
had enough of your help.

And unless you planning
on purchasing that lip balm

you're won't be getting the lip balm.

Okay. It's called sweat equity, David.

I learned about this week.

And that's when you help someone out

and then they give you lip balm

or whatever else you might need

in exchange for your time and energy.

I think you might actually
need to break a sweat,

in order to earn sweat equity.

Okay, what if I got Patrick
to break a sweat for me.

That's called
outsourcing, outsourcing...

Are you passing this economics course?

Yes. Yeah.

Yes, I'm pretty sure.

Okay. Um, if you really
want the lip balm that bad

there are a few things around the store

that I could use your help with.

Just an FYI, Patrick won't be there.

So there won't be anybody for you

to flirtatiously boss around.

Okay, I hate to break
this to you, David,

but there will always be somebody for me

to flirtatiously boss around.

So what was going on there?

Oh, nothing.

He hasn't even asked
for my phone number,

which in my experience,

means he's either newly
married or he's gay.

Okay...

So like if you're sensing
a vibe or something,

maybe that means that his
eye's on somebody else...

He's a business major
who wears straight leg,

mid-range denim.

He's not into me.

Okay, well it's either that
or he's really into the store,

which no offense seems
a lot less likely to me.

Okay.

I think you missed a spot on
that page with the highlighter.

Where?

Hello, Moira.

Hello there, love of my life!

Funny thing. I just ran into Jocelyn.

Oh. How is Jocelyn?

Oh, she was a little upset.

Apparently her husband, Roland,

spent the night with... you.

I know, wasn't that funny?

Moira!

When were you gonna tell me about this?

Ah, we talked about
it this morning, John!

We laughed about it.

We didn't laugh about it.

Because we didn't talk about it.

I would have remembered if you had said

something that funny.

It's inconsequential, John

Just let it go. I have.

May I ask what you are doing?

Oh, I've decided to
cut down on my drinking.

Unrelated, I assume?

To what?

To you sleeping with Roland last night.

Okay. This joke has played itself out.

It was humorous this morning.

We didn't talk about it this morning!

Obviously.

I didn't tell you anything
because I was embarrassed.

I was riding high, John,

apparently really high,

After winning what some people
called a landmark victory

for this and many other towns.

Then I woke up in the last
place I'd ever wanted to be.

Well, can't say I'm not
glad to hear you say that.

Oh John, I owe an apology to you.

And to sober people everywhere.

Well, I knew it was nothing
happened, Moira, it's...

Just I was getting a feeling

you weren't taking this very seriously.

If I weren't, John, would
I be pouring this out.

Moira, that's my beer!

You don't even drink beer!

It's symbolic, John.

Oh-oh.

I take it you're here to tell me

that my business
license has been revoked.

No, no. You're all good.

Okay. Um...

My sister isn't,

isn't here so...

I'm not here for your sister.

Okay.

You know I've been
thinking about all this

and these products that
Alexis was showing me yesterday

were actually really impressive,

I mean the whole model is
actually very sustainable...

Thank you.

But I think you're gonna
need more start-up money.

Oh. More start-up money.

- Hm.
- Um...

And where do you think
I'll get that money?

Well, when you're
supporting local business,

there are grants that you can apply for.

And I would be happy to assist
you with those applications.

Well, that is very um... very generous.

Well, I wouldn't be doing it for free.

See, if these grants came through,

you'd have the money to start paying me.

Okay. Um...

I really think you have
something here, David.

You just, you just need some
help. You need a lot of help...

Okay. Um...

Well, uh, then yes...

I am open to entertaining

your investment offer.

Great.

And in the interest of us
potentially working together

I did want to come
clean about something.

Okay.

I um...

I actually picked out that frame.

I see.

So thank you for making it very clear

that I will be making
the creative decisions

for the store.

Um, and I guess you can
handle all the business stuff.

I'm very comfortable with that.

Okay.

Um, and you do know
that if the grant money

doesn't come through, then I won't...

Oh, I'm gonna get the money.

Okay.

- Hello, Johnny.
- Roland.

Johnny, me and six of my closest friends

were hoping we could have a little chat.

Well, it's awfully late.

Johnny, I'm talking about the beer.

No, I know, I know, you're
talking about the beer.

It's just that Moira's in the shower.

She's been showering
most of the day, actually.

Good,

because I think it's best
that we talk man-to-man.

Ahh...

Jocelyn and I spoke,

and she told me you're
still pretty upset, huh?

Look, if anyone was
upset it was Jocelyn.

I was just upset because
Jocelyn was upset.

All right, pal.

Well, I'm here to put
your mind at ease, okay?

I am 99.999% sure

that nothing happened
between me and your wife.

I'm 100% sure and I wasn't even there!

Well, I sure was.

All of me.

You know, I spent 35
minutes this morning

inspecting every inch of
my body for bite marks,

back scratches, lipstick prints.

And I couldn't find anything.

Well, there was this one
thing on the bottom of my foot,

but I think that may
have been there before.

I really don't know.

You know what, Roland,

I think I'm gonna ask you to leave.

Because Moira's coming out
soon and I really don't...

... Want to tempt fate twice.

I got it.

No, no. I don't think you do got it.

And not to put too fine
a point on it, Roland,

but my wife would never
go out for a burger

when she has a strong
penchant for steak.

- Good night, Roland.
- Breakfast tomorrow, right?

- Good night, Roland.
- Okay.

Don't worry it's only me.

Ha ha, very droll, Mr. Rose.

Thought I'd announce myself

just in case you were
expecting somebody else.

Is living with that blackout
not punishment enough?

You know I meant to ask, Moira,

what were the amenities
like in that hotel room?

High-pressured water, down pillows?

I'll never know.

I had my one chance
at a proletarian oasis

and I squandered it,
passed out in Roland's bed.

You slept with Roland?

No, she-she didn't.

She found herself in his bed.

- Mom slept with Roland?
- Yes. Apparently.

I will not be tried and condemned

by the likes of you two.

- So what's gonna happen now?
- Yeah.

Is there gonna be like
a custody battle over us?

David, stop.

We gonna have to like spend weekends

over at Roland's now, or?

Goodnight, Alexis.

Do we call him Uncle Roland?

All right, that is enough, David.

No. I mean, I get it,
Roland is the mayor,

and it's very difficult
to work with someone

who you're attracted to.

Yeah. Like you and Ted?

No! I'm making fun of Mom
and Dad right now, David.

And we're done. Back to your room.

Um, I just want you to know

that no matter what anyone says,

you will always be our first dad.

- Good night.
- Okay.