Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - General Store - full transcript

Schitt's Creek - S03E07
"General Store"

Okay well, you could've
dropped me off back there!

Oh, don't be silly honey,

we're happy to drive you
right to the front door.

Yeah, this is an iconic moment
in all of our lives,

and I think we should
experience it to the fullest.

We're very proud of you, Alexis.

Thank you.

Is that appropriate attire

for high school, do you think?

- Yeah well, what's wrong with it?!
- Well...



Well, now you're making
me nervous!

Anyway, just don't trust anyone

that wants to be your friend
on the first day, okay?

And you mustn't let anyone
push you around,

I will not relive that
bullying nightmare.

I wasn't bullied.

She doesn't mean you, Alexis.

Uh, it wasn't that bad.

That's the heartbreaking part,

He was so blissfully unaware.

- Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Ugh!

Okay, I think you're brave.

Well, that's very nice of you
to say, David.

Okay, he's being sarcastic!



- What?!
- Oh.

It's a defense mechanism.
From all the bullying.

Oh my God!

Sync by the_foe
...and his Beloved

Correction by LittleDuck

I can't tell what's more tragic,

the fact that the only store
in town is closing,

or that they've...

decided to display fungal cream
beside the cereal boxes.

That's actually really
convenient,

because I forgot to have
breakfast,

and I'm running low
on fungal cream, so...

I don't wanna hear you say
fungal again.

Fungal?

Yeah, it's like they knew
what the consumer wanted,

and then ran in the opposite
direction.

- Finding everything okay?
- Yes. Yeah.

It's sad about the store.

Thank you, it's been very hard.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Yeah, they just missed
the mark, you know?

I mean, this store
in the right hands

could be very lucrative.

Uh huh, and by the right hands,
you mean your hands?

Well, I mean someone
with faultless taste

who understands what people
want and need,

and if those happen to be
my hands, then...

So why don't you do
something about it?

I'm pretty sure telling them

that they've driven their store
into the ground

might be rubbing salt
in the wound.

No, I'm saying ever since
you walked in here

you've been talking about how you
would've done things differently,

so now's your chance.

Okay, your eyebrows never move,

so I can't tell whether
you're being serious or not.

I think you should put
what little money you have

where your mouth is.

I do have a very good idea.

What you lack in most things,

you make up for
in unsubstantiated confidence.

Okay, are we good to go?!

Good morning, class.

I'm sure you have all noticed

there's a new student
in our midst.

Let's give a warm welcome
to Alexis Rose.

She is here until the end
of the semester

to finish her diploma.

Okay, so let's open our books.

Oh um, I'd just like
to say a few words.

Okay, we're actually just
running a little bit behind.

- Hey.
- Oh.

So as Jocelyn said,
my name is Alexis,

and yes, I did not finish
high school.

Um, it's this long, boring
story involving a yacht,

and a famous soccer player,

and like...

a ton of mushrooms.

Anyway, I think it would
be so great

if we could just
go around the room,

and everyone could tell me like,

five things about yourself.

Actually, we don't
have time for that today.

Maybe you could talk
between classes,

or after school,
or on the weekends.

- Yeah, totally.
- Yeah. Okay.

So just find me
after class, or...

Good morning, Twyla.

Sorry I'm late,
but I have morning muffins.

Oh, thanks, Ivan.

Yeah, they keep selling out.

Ivan!

- Bob's friend?
- Oh yeah!

Johnny Rose, remember?

Bagels, I know.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, bagels.

Oh, I see you have
a new enterprise.

Yeah, it was always my dream
to bake muffins.

Well, funny you should
mention it,

because I'm thinking of

doing a continental breakfast
at the motel,

and this could be uh...
very helpful.

Yeah. I not make breakfast.

No, no, no,
a continental breakfast,

just pastries and coffee.

No coffee.

Oh, I wouldn't expect you
to make the coffee.

No, I make coffee,
but only for myself.

Yeah, no, no, it's just
your muffins

that I'm interested in.

I bake for Twyla.

Oh, but it's always nice
to have new customers.

Yes, yes, I think we should
talk about this, Ivan.

Yeah, I'd love to see
your operation.

Uh yeah, yeah, yeah,
just come by place

and I show you kitchen.

Yes. Yeah.

- Well, yeah, okay.
- Good, yes.

- Yes, see you.
- Bye!

So long.

Wow, this could be very exciting.

You know, a continental
breakfast could add

an extra star on our rating.

Oh wow, so how many stars
would that give you?

One.

So, there are carols playing,

and it snows inside
all day long.

Gwen's gonna lose her mind!

Shh! Shh! Shh!

What now?!

No need to terminate
your chitter-chatter

on our accounts.

You gonna tell them,
or should I?

Ladies, um we have
some good news...

Christmas world!
Moving into town!

Bob, okay, there's a way
to do these things,

and I'm the one who's supposed
to lead these meetings,

- all right?
- They wanna take over

- the general store.
- Bob!

I'm sorry!

It's just, you know,
it's big news.

And what on earth
is a Christmas World?

They sell Christmas stuff
all year round.

But is this really
the kind of business

we want in this town?

You know, I have yet
to find an ornament in there

that I'd put on my tree,

And I heard those little elves
they have running around,

they're actually underage kids.

Ladies, if we don't
approve this,

then Christmas World
will take its fake snow,

and its all-you-can-drink
nog fountain to Elmdale!

Well, that makes
our decision easy.

Oh, Moira!

Moira, Moira, Moira.

A word to the wise, okay?

You don't vote against
Christmas.

It's huge business.

Tourist dollars!

Well, I'm not voting for it.

I'm inclined to side
with Veronica on this.

All right, look guys,
this is a big decision.

Let's take a little time
to think about it.

It's-it's Christmas World!

We don't wanna get
on their naughty list.

Oh.

This is where I bake.

I have three ovens.

Is tradition in my family.

We make vatritza, burek,
gibantsa...

and now I making uh,
Danish, eclair,

American-style toaster
popping tart.

Wow, that sounds great, Ivan,

but I was thinking...

cinnamon buns.

You know, the smell of cinnamon

in the motel lobby, mmm!

Mr. Rose, for you,
I can make anything.

- Great.
- Blueberry bun,

butter tart,

blueberry butter tart
with raisin,

blueberry butter tart
with chips of chocolate...

Well, let's just stick
with cinnamon buns for now,

and if this works,

we'll take it from there.

And I'm giving you
special price.

Thank you.

Because you know Twyla.

Yes, I do.

I watch you make her laugh.

You watch me make her laugh?

Oh, so you...

you like Twyla!

Oh, well, you should uh...

talk to her, I guess.

No, no, I can't.

I try, but when I speak,

is like many, many muffin
in my mouth.

You talk for me?

Oh, no, no, no,

I wouldn't be too comfortable
doing that, no.

You just say nice thing.

I'll give you cinnamon bun
for free.

You say, he's a good man,

hard worker, never hurt no one.

Well, I wouldn't lead
with that but uh...

no, no, I think this is better
coming from you.

So, I have some news.

Oh David, I'm not sure
I'm in the mood

to hear about another
sexual exploit.

I'm sorry, who is it this time?

I have actually been thinking
about going back to work.

That's wonderful!

You've received an offer?

Um, it's more of a plan
for an idea

of a-a thing that I will
be working at.

Well, that sounds less concrete,

but full of promise, I'm sure.

I know you've been moping about
the motel for some time now.

Mm,

decompressing.

Um, and from that decompression

came the idea to start
my own business.

And just what is this
exciting new venture?

I plan to submit
a lease application

for the general store.

Can you imagine?

Not seizing on this opportunity.

Well, I'll be investing
some of the money

I got from the Blouse Barn.

A bold decision.

Especially since the previous
business has since gone under.

Dare I say,

the space might be cursed?

Okay, the general store
was a disaster.

And your plan is to raise
it from the ashes?

Well, that's a risky move
on the part of your investors.

I don't have any investors.

It's just me.

Just you?

I am doing this all on my own.

All on your own?

Yeah, I've actually given it
a lot of thought.

You have?

You're the that's been
telling me to get back to work!

- I did?
- Oh my God!

What, I'm simply
asking questions!

No, you're not, you're just
repeating random things

that I've been saying!

Oh, far be it from me
to stand in your way

while you roll the dice
with your hard-earned savings!

Thank you!

That's all you had to say.

The only people who buy silver
trees are serial killers,

and single men over 40,

and my cousin, who is a single
man over 40.

Oh, what a startling
little tannenbaum.

To whom do we owe
our reciprocity

for this yuletide gift?

It says Christmas World
right on it.

Oh, I see!

Sometimes the eyes
won't allow the brain

to see things at first.

Like the cultural
and economic benefits...

of a seasonally specific store.

Okay, what did they send you?

Nothing, I assure you.

But when one considers
the alternatives...

Moira, are you caving on this?

I'm just thinking out loud.

What if a young, independent

business person were to step in?

I worry, one worries,

you worry, are they too naive,

or overly coddled,

or emotionally precious

to handle the rigor
of establishing a business?

Look, I uh...

I don't wanna pressure anyone,

but uh...

Gwen did tell me if I uh,

I don't get Christmas World
passed,

I shouldn't come home.

I shouldn't...
I shouldn't come home.

Okay, let's put it to a vote.
Shall we?

All those in favor
of Christmas World?

Hah! Done!

Thank you, Moira!

It's Gwen.

The woman has a sixth sense.

Hi honey, are you sitting down?

Trust me, it's for the best.

It's happening!

It's really happening!

So here's the thing
about Marie Antoinette.

Even though I love to eat cake,

I think I'd be pretty annoyed
with her myself.

I do see your hand up Alexis,

it's just that you probably
haven't had a chance

to catch up.

Okay, it's just that
she never actually said

"let them eat cake."

Um well, that depends
on who you ask.

Hmm, well,
I asked Kirsten Dunst,

who played her in the movie.

Um, that line was actually
written years before

Marie Antoinette allegedly
said it.

And um, Kirsten also told me
at the premiere

that she was jealous
of my bangs.

Thank you for that contribution

to the discussion, now...

My friends used
to call me Marie,

And that was mainly
because I was casually

seeing Prince Harry,
so there was the whole like,

is she gonna be a princess
thing,

um, but it's also because
we were going through

this very dark phase
where we were just like,

partying too hard.

Thank you for your enthusiasm,

it's just that we have a lot
to cover here.

Girls?

What did I say about
passing notes in class?

I'll see you both after school.

You know who else passed notes?

This lady

passed a lot of secret notes,

and eventually was killed.

Oh hi, how are you?

- Very busy.
- How am I?! Terrific!

Aside from the fact
that I caught wind

that Christmas World was moving
into the general store.

Just when I thought that
the taste levels in this town

were already scraping
the bottom of the barrel.

Oh! Tell me about it.

So you can imagine
my surprise when I found out

that the deciding factor
in all of this

was my own mother!

It seems extremely off brand

to support a disgusting
big box store like that.

David, sit, please.

I know you think what
I did was cruel,

but I was just protecting you.

And I'd say you'll understand
one day,

but you don't enjoy children,

so perhaps you won't.

Okay, protect me from what?

From yourself.

Your father and I have not
prepared you

for an undertaking
of this scope!

Okay, what about
all the galleries?

Those were all me.

I've run businesses before.

Never on your own,
and never without a safety net.

I don't know how many times
I have to thank you

for the start-up money!

But I opened those
galleries myself.

And who do you think
bought all that art,

and sold out all your shows?

Uh, my patrons.

And who do you think
bought all your patrons?

So you're telling me that
my entire professional career

was a sham?!

We helped you because we could!

And now I realize that
might not have been

the best thing for you
or your autonomy, but...

Okay, well, now I guess
I'll never find out

if I could've succeeded
on my own.

David!

Hello, Mr. Rose.

Cinnamon buns for you.

Oh Ivan, thank you.

Ohh! These smell amazing!

And I have muffins for Twyla.

- Oh.
- Yeah, I'm going to talk to her now.

- Good luck.
- Yeah.

- Hi, Ivan.
- Um...

Here's the muffins.

- Goodbye.
- Yeah.

Wow!

Mr. Rose,

I blow it.

Oh, well, there's always
tomorrow, Ivan.

No, no, don't...
All right, have a seat.

I always watch romantic movies.

"Got Mail,"

"When Harry Met Sally,"

"Smell of Woman."

Yeah, Ivan, you don't want
to be over-preparing.

- Oh.
- Hey, guys.

- What can I get you?
- I'm good man.

Okay, and?

I'll have the waffles.

And uh, eggs,

uh, uh,

what does dog say
before the breakfast?

Bun appetite.

Bun appetite.

Bun...

Bone appetit, I think
it's a dog bone joke.

Bun appetite.

- Eggs and waffles.
- Hmm, yes.

Coming up.

- Yeah.
- I know.

Oh, well...

I think uh a little quality
control on this

- wouldn't hurt, huh?
- Yeah, yes.

Hey, I think that we started
out on the wrong foot.

And like, I totally get it,
there's a new girl in town,

and that can be
super intimidating,

but I just wanted to let
you know that I'm actually

very approachable.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So why don't you just show me
what that note says.

Girls,

passing notes in class
is not only disruptive

- to the whole student body...
- I started it.

I passed the note to Steph M.
And Becky.

Alexis, if you're gonna be
in this class,

you are gonna have to learn
to be less disruptive.

Now let's see what
was so important.

That really isn't necessary,
Mrs. Schitt.

"Alexis is too pretty,

and everyone's talking
about the dress.

So gorge."

Okay, I love that
you're so confident,

It's just that we're going
to have to focus

a little less on ourselves,

and a little more
on the material.

Totally.

I stole this dress
from Ashlee Simpson.

Or like, she stole it from me,
and then I stole it back.

Do you wanna have lunch
tomorrow?

Sure.

I just find it extremely
violating.

Because your parents
threw money at you?

Yes!

They paid for everything,

it's like a form of child abuse.

Don't quote me on this,

but it seems like their
intentions were good.

I mean, they didn't buy
all the good reviews

your galleries got.

Who's to say?!

Yeah, I mean, they do give me
a small weekly stipend

for hanging out with you, so...

David, there you are.

I come bearing good news.

And what's that, your friends
at Christmas World

are looking for
a deeply embittered,

mildly Hebraic-looking elf?!

I thought you might like to know

that council has agreed
to accept your application.

What about Christmas World?

I had a very effective strategy

to change everyone's minds,

that I ultimately didn't
get to use,

because Christmas World
pulled out.

This is good news!

I mean, yeah, if someone
hadn't snuffed out

the last remaining embers
of my self-confidence.

Why don't you channel some
of that charming self-pity

into a business plan, okay?

Because the lease is yours,
David,

if you still want it.

Which he does.

If there's anyone in this town
who might have the eye

to create something truly
beautiful,

it's you, David.

And me, but in this case, you.

Okay.

I will submit my application.

There's cinnamon buns
in the lobby!

These are good.

I know, where are these from?

Yeah, I got those for the motel.

They're supposed to be
for the guests!

Okay, well, they were
just sitting there.

Oh, they weren't just
sitting there, Alexis,

they're the product of a lot
of hard work!

In here, Moira.

There are cinnamon buns
in the lobby!

Oh come on, Moira, Moira!

These are for
the continental breakfast

we're offering at the motel!

Continental breakfast?

- They're for the guests!
- How whimsical.

It's a start, it's a start,

it's a big step.

What exactly goes into
a "continental breakfast?"

It's a breakfast, David,

it's a light breakfast
with pastries and coffee.

What's continental about that?

It's for business travelers,

travelling the continent,

eating breakfast, and...

continental travelling.

That doesn't sound
even remotely correct.

Well, it's European, Moira, so...

Okay, come on, seriously!

There's only one left?!

I know, Stevie was eating
the other one.

Here, why don't you have this,

and I'll take the big one.

It's all right,
I'll take care of it.

Well, I guess it would be wrong
to serve the guests day-olds.

You know this bun added
a star to our rating?

How many did we have before?

Not the point!

Correction by LittleDuck
Schitt's Creek - S03E07 - General Store