Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Moira's Nudes - full transcript
In the heated election campaign, Moira learns from her opponent Jocelyn of some nude photographs of her on the Internet. Admitting the existence of such photos to her family, technologically challenged Moira has to get those around her who she trusts to help her find those photographs and remove them from cyberspace. This task ends up being more challenging than Moira hopes, but in the process she begins to have bittersweet thoughts about the existence of the photos themselves. Meanwhile, Twyla cannot extend credit to the Roses for their meals at the diner anymore, this news which she passes along specifically to Johnny and Alexis while they are eating breakfast together there. Johnny, admitting that he has overextended himself this month, turns to the one person in the family who is actually working, namely David, who should be flush with cash, especially as he has no commuting costs since he has been given a work vehicle for the commute between Schitt's Creek and Elmdale, news which both Johnny and Alexis would like to exploit for themselves. David actually accessing any of that cash is another matter. Their cash situation also makes Alexis contemplate a job offer, it which would be her first job ever, from a source that could make the employee/employer relationship uncomfortable: ex-fiancé Ted.
- Well, how's that for timing!
- What do you mean?
- We both stepped
out exactly together.
- We didn't time this.
- I know we didn't time it.
- What's your point?
- That is my point!
- We-we both stepped out,
and we didn't know the
other person was stepping out,
at exactly the same time!
- Yeah, why are you
yelling at me right now?
- Well, I'm just explaining
the good timing of this,
when no explanation is needed.
It's just, it's the
good timing, it's...
- Okay fine, I don't
get it, but, whatever.
Oh my God, is that David?
- Oh...
Oh, hey.
- David, where did
you get this car?
- Oh, this car was paid
for by my employer.
We felt I needed a more
efficient way to get to work.
- So she bought you a car?!
- It's a rental.
Do you think I'd allow
someone to buy that car for me?
- Well, this-this is so great.
- Thank God we have a car again!
- Um, very unclear on the
"we" part of that sentence.
- Yeah, your
brother's right, Alexis,
this is his car, not ours.
We don't have a
car, and he does.
- Okay, are you okay?
- Yes, yes, I-I'm just happy
the Roses are
moving up in the world.
- There's a button
missing on your jacket.
- What?
- Oh ew, you poor thing.
♪ ♪
Are those turkey sausages?
- Yes.
- Well, maybe, maybe
I'll just sample one.
- Okay.
- Everything okay over here?
- Yes it is, Twyla. Just great.
If uh, if you could
add this to our tab,
that would be wonderful.
- Add it to your
tab. Yeah, um...
- What, is there a problem?
- Unfortunately, we can't put
any more on your tab, Mr. Rose.
We have a limit as to how
much you can charge on it
without actually
making any effort to pay.
- Oh, I see.
- So, here's your bill.
- Okay, thank you. Just uh...
Leave this with me, Twyla,
and I'll take care of it um...
this afternoon, or... tomorrow.
- This afternoon would be great.
- Well then, this
afternoon it is!
And If not, then
you know, tomorrow.
- Morning.
- Morning. Tomorrow morning.
Thank you!
Um, what is going on?
- Oh, nothing, nothing.
Nothing's going on.
It's just I've gotta move
some money around,
make sure things are... liquid.
- How much trouble are we in?
- Who said we're in trouble?
- I have dated enough
Wall Street losers
to know that "making things
liquid" is not a good thing!
- No, no, we're fine.
We're fine, honey.
No, no, I just had to use my
unemployment cheque this month
to pay for all the raw
milk that "we" ordered.
- Okay...
Um, well like, what can I do?
- Just don't tell
your mother, okay?
Or your brother, I mean,
they're too fragile
to handle this.
And no one really
needs to worry.
- Well, you might wanna
tell that to your face.
- Oh you are here,
thank goodness!
Stevie, does this computer
get internet access?
- It does.
- Please log on immediately.
- Okay...
- Jocelyn has made allusions
to certain...
sensitive photographs
from my past.
- Uh, are you sure you don't
want me to just leave you
to do this on your own?
- No, I can't type,
and I don't care to relive
my days as a secretary.
- Oh... Okay.
Uh, just give me a minute,
because we're only one
small step above dial up here.
- It's hardly
surprising that Jocelyn
would suddenly uncover
these in the middle
of a political campaign.
I suppose I just
expected more from her.
- Okay, there's a bunch
of you with O.J. Simpson.
And you with Robert Blake.
- "The Top Eleven
Photographs of Moira Rose
with Future Murder Suspects."
Well, that's not
what I'm looking for!
- Why were you in a paddle
boat with Phil Spector?
- And doesn't he looks good?
That was the one time
he let me play with his hair.
It was a sunny aft... you know,
I shouldn't have
to explain myself.
- Okay well, there's a
bunch here that could qualify
as incriminating, so...
- Okay.
I did a series of
very tasteful nudes
with Richard Avedon in the 70's.
- I see. Um...
This is really not in
my job description so...
- Why aren't they coming up?
What, do you have some
kind of childproof lock
on this internet?
- Hm, nope, that would
make my job very boring.
- Oh, keep scrolling, please.
See David, this is what
happens when you wash your face
with a bar of motel hand soap!
- It's a zit. People get zits.
I mean, I've always
had clean, radiant skin,
but I'm an anomaly.
- It's not a zit, David.
I think it's just my anxiety
clogging up my pores.
- And forming zits.
- Oh! Ohhh my God, no!
- What is going on with you?!
- I need to save this!
- Wait, you're gonna
put that on your face,
after it's been on the floor?
I don't even wear
good socks in here!
- Okay, there are
things going on right now
that you don't know about.
- Like what?
- Like things I that
can't talk about, okay?!
- I know about your
dandruff shampoo.
- That is preventative,
and that is not what
I'm talking about!
David! David, please!
Hey! Wait, can you
help me please?
- No, I can't help you!
- Can you help me please?!
No! MOIRA: David, it's urgent!
- What is it?
- Darling, I'm afraid
you and I have arrived
at an awkward moment in
our parent/child relationship.
- I'd argue that
moment happens daily.
- It seems that there are
some nude photographs of me
on the internet...
- Oh!
- and I would like
you to search for them.
- That's a real quick no.
Um, you can ask
literally anyone else.
- No, I tried to ask Stevie,
but her computer
is several years old,
and apparently quite prudish.
If someone has to find
naked pictures of me,
better you than a
stranger in a storm cellar!
- Is it though?
- What's going on?
- There are nude photos
of me all over the internet.
- Um, are you sure
you're not thinking of mine?
- Nothing's coming up.
- What search words did you use?
- Uh, your name, and "nude."
Three words I thought
I'd only have to type
if I was held at gunpoint.
- Okay, try "effervescence."
No, I'm sorry, "small umbrella."
No Wait, "Siamese Eels."
Oh... okay, no.
There was nothing.
- I don't see anything.
- You don't understand,
we must find them,
so we can then get rid of them!
Honestly!
Can no one find nude
photos of me on the internet?!
♪ ♪
- Hey!
- Hey!
Um, could I have
like, a glass of water,
Or if there's a tap
outside, or like, a hose.
- I can get you a tea.
- Thanks, Twy.
- Between you and me,
I know how hard it
can be to pay off debt.
My uncle Ken only
has three fingers now,
which is too bad,
because he's deaf,
and he only speaks
using sign language, but...
he made his choices.
- Mhmm...
The amount of times that
I run into you in this place
is like, out of a
romantic comedy.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Is everything okay?
- Um...
Yeah, totally.
I mean, I have a pimple
because I washed my face
with dirty hand
soap, but, no biggie.
Yeah, just don't look at it.
Thanks.
- One tea, on the house.
- Thanks, Twy.
- No smoothie today?
- No, not today, I um, I
forgot my purse at home.
- Oh well, if you
want a smoothie,
I can get you a smoothie.
- No, no, no, no, don't worry,
because then I would
have to pay you back,
which is gonna be hard
because my entire family is broke,
and we can't afford
to eat right now, so.
- Oh wow, I'm
sorry to hear that.
- Mhmm, me too.
- Well hey, I don't know
if this is something
you'd be interested in,
but my secretary just quit,
and if you need the cash...
- That's so sweet, but I
would be uncomfortable
accepting free money.
- No, no, you'd be working.
Doing her job, and I
would pay you for it.
- Oh!
But there would be
animals around all the time?
- That is generally
what one can expect
when working at
a vet clinic, yes.
- Hmm!
- Well, thanks for the ride.
- We've really been taking
advantage of those rides,
haven't we?
- You know, I never
thought I'd be in this situation.
Getting a ride home
from work by my son.
- That's the situation you
never thought you'd be in?
Um... I need to
go to Elmdale, so...
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
sure. Working man!
- Yes.
- Busy busy.
- Mhmm.
- You know it's funny,
It didn't seem that long ago that
you were relying on me for everything.
Like when you were taking
your harpsichord lessons,
and I would drive you.
- I was seven.
- All the lessons
that I paid for,
and schooling...
- Okay, What is happening here?
- Nothing, nothing, I'm
having a little chat with my son,
that's all, do I have
to pay for that?
Last I heard, you
didn't have to pay...
- You and Alexis, I've been
getting some very weird vibes.
- What did Alexis say?
What did she say?!
- Well, she-she
didn't say anything.
Should she have said something?
- No, no.
- What is going on?!
- It's...
I've over extended
a little bit this month.
Financially, I-I could
use some gap financing,
that's all.
- Well, should I be concerned?
- No, no.
- Well, how bad is it?
- It's pretty bad,
it's pretty bad,
and you know, this is
so awkward for a father
to come to a son for money.
- Well, believe it or not,
this is actually not
the most awkward
parent/son request
I've gotten today, so...
If you need money, I
can give you money.
- Well, thank you, David.
- So...
Oh my God! What are you doing?
- Well, I was trying
to give you a hug.
- I-I get the gesture.
- I should've undone
the seatbelt.
- Okay, well then, let's
just leave it at a gesture.
- Okay, let's just leave it.
- Um yeah, let's leave it.
- High five, son.
- Uh well, okay, okay.
- All right, okay.
So I've been
and I have decided
that I am interested.
- Great!
- But I would like
to interview for it.
Just like everybody else.
- Are you sure about that?
Because I already
offered you the job.
- No I know, I just, I don't
want any special treatment.
And it's really important to me
that I feel like I
really earned this.
- Okay, uh, have a seat.
- Okay.
Okay...
- Ahem!
Okay! So...
- Just... a second.
Okay.
- Okay.
Have you ever worked
as a receptionist before?
- That would be a no,
But I have dealt with a
lot of receptionists before,
and so I feel like I have
the right temperament for it.
- Okay, and how
are your typing skills?
- Well, you've seen me text.
- Mhmm... And how
are you at spreadsheets?
- Okay, I'm just gonna
stop you right there.
I'm loving this Q and A,
but I think what's
important right now,
is my positive attitude.
And I don't wanna brag,
but "Us Weekly" once
described me as "up for anything."
So...
- O-kay.
Yeah, great.
Well, I think that's all the
information that I need for now,
So thank you very
much for your time,
and I will be in touch.
- Thank you very
much for your time.
Did I get the job?
- Yeah, yes. You got the job.
- Okay! Okay.
You're a really good actor.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Stevie, I knew I could
trust you to find them.
The only thing is, if
you want me to print it,
our printer's not working.
- Oh dear.
- Yeah, all those online
perverts should be put
in a paddle boat,
and sent out to sea.
- No, that's not me.
- That's your face.
- Yes, it's my character
from "Sunrise Bay,"
but it's been put on the body
of what I can only assume
is an Indonesian lady boy.
- Ohhh!
- I thought maybe
you just had a tan.
- So this is it.
- Yeah, I think so.
Um, I would really rather
not dive any deeper.
- No, it's not necessary.
- Because I ended up in
some really scary, dark places
of the internet that I
would rather not revisit, so...
- I am suddenly
overwhelmed with regret.
It's a new feeling for me,
and I don't find it
at all pleasurable.
- You regret that embarrassing
photos of you aren't online?
- No, I regret
that they're lost.
They were the one perfect
memorial to who I once was.
And I should've appreciated
those firm round mammae,
and callipygian ass,
while I had them.
- If you're talking
about your body, uh...
I think you still look amazing.
- Then allow me to
offer you some advice.
Take a thousand naked
pictures of yourself now.
You may currently
think, "oh, I'm too spooky."
Or, "nobody wants to
see these tiny boobies."
But believe me, one day
you will look at those photos,
with much kinder eyes and say,
"dear God, I was
a beautiful thing!"
- Will I?
- Mhmm.
- Oh, and make sure you submit
those photos to the internet.
Otherwise, your own children
will go looking for them one day
and tragically,
they won't be there.
- Okay, so how much
money do you need?
And please keep in mind that
I had a negative
balance in there last week.
- Yeah, whatever you can spare.
You know, a couple
hundred, Three...
Four...
- Okay, how much do you
actually need, though?
- $560.00
- So my entire paycheque, then.
Okay.
- What just happened?
- I don't know.
- It says there's an
error with your PIN.
- I can see that! I can see that!
- All right.
- All right, calm down,
calm down.
- I can see that!
- You only get a
few chances here.
- I just must've typed in
the PIN number wrong.
- It's actually just "PIN,"
you don't have to say,
"PIN number," that's redundant.
- Okay, okay, wow, are you
doing this right now?!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, go ahead.
- What is going on?!
- All right, first of all,
just stop for one second,
because you've only got one
more chance at this, all right?
So focus on the numbers!
- I know my number!
It's the same PIN number
that I've had for years!
- The same "PIN!"
- Okay, can you just
take a-take a big step!
Thank you so much!
- All right, remember,
this is your last chance!
- Arghhh!
- What just happened?
- Well, it ate my card.
- Well, press eject!
- There's no eject on this
machine!
- Well, what this?
There's eject.
- That's "cancel," that doesn't do anything!
- All right, press the green one!
- I'm pressing "cancel,"
okay, nothing happens!
- Well, press something else!
- What do you want me to do?!
- Get the card back!
- We can't get the card back!
- Why?
- Wow!
- So I was able to retrieve it,
and it looks like
this is a new card.
- Thank you, yeah,
it is a new card.
- Did you use the proper PIN?
- Yeah, that's what I asked him.
- Of course I used
the proper PIN.
- I know my PIN
number, it's my birthday.
- Happy Birthday!
- No, the PIN
number is my birthday.
- He keeps saying PIN number.
- Did you start with the
temporary PIN that we sent you?
- What? What temporary PIN?
- Ah, see?
- No "see!"
- None of that, listen!
I phoned someone
here, a teller, I think,
who told me that I didn't
need a temporary PIN number!
- Oh, which teller?
Because it's only
me and Carol here.
- It was a while ago.
- It says the account
was opened last week.
- Okay, I just need to take
out some money for my dad.
Um, because my
family is in debt.
So if you could
help me help him,
that would be a wonderful thing.
- Of course, I just need
you to pick a new PIN.
- Okay.
It's 7-2-8-3.
- Sir, you just said
your PIN out loud.
So I suggest you
pick another one.
- What about my birthday?
- No!
- It's easy.
- It's not easy.
- Nothing's easy about this.
Okay, where... what?
- I never saw myself
having like, a normal job.
But I think it's gonna be kinda
nice to make money and stuff,
and like, help out a bit more.
- You're working for your ex.
- David, Ted wouldn'tve hired me
if he thought it was a bad idea!
- Ted also proposed
to you twice,
so I'd say Ted's
decision making skills
are a little suspect.
- Okay, well I will
have you know
that I went through the
same interview process
as everybody else.
He asked me several questions,
most of which I answered.
- Oh my God!
- Well kids, you'll never
guess what I just found outside.
My button!
Things are looking up!
I have something for you.
- Oh, Alexis, you
didn't have to do this.
- Open it.
- Oh, honey.
- "My deepest condolences?"
"I know things have
been tough lately,
but I'm here for you,
and hope this helps.
Love, Alexis."
Was there supposed
to be something in here?
- In where?
- In the card?
- What do you mean?
- Oh, it's just the card.
- Yeah, I thought you
could use some support.
So...
- Ohhh!
Wow!
That was really beautiful.
And very generous.
- Thank you.
- Both my kids are generous.
And I'm one very grateful dad.
Very grateful.
Awww!
Bring it in, big guy.
- Yeah, I don't know if that's
something I wanna do right now.
- David, Dad's poor right now!
- He's not poor anymore!
Because someone gave
him more than a cheap card!
- Okay, okay, that's enough.
- Okay. Oh.
What's-what's this about?
- I was just uh...
hugging my kids.
- Why?
- I found my button.
- Alexis got a job.
- Alexis got a job!
- Yeah.
- Alexis? Oh, how wonderful!
- Yeah!
- Wow Alexis, look at you!
Just starting out on
a shiny new future!
- Whew! Okay, good night, kids.
- I'm gonna get changed.
- Okay, sure.
- You know, all
I'd say we have a
couple of pretty great kids.
- Mhmm.
They say it's through our
children that we stay young.
But I haven't seen
much effort on their part.
- You're still thinking
about those photos.
- Oh, I can't help it, John.
The last traces of my
juvenescence vanished
into thin air.
- Well, perhaps they're
not the last traces.
- What does that mean?
- Why don't you
look in my folio?
Inside pocket.
Oh, you dirty dog!
- Well, what can I say?
- When did you take this?
- Greece, 1987.
- Oh, I loved those earrings.
And that skin.
And that hair.
- I'm no Avedon honey,
but I would say you still
look pretty spectacular.
- And that's all that counts.
Now how do I get this
on the internet? John!
- What do you mean?
- We both stepped
out exactly together.
- We didn't time this.
- I know we didn't time it.
- What's your point?
- That is my point!
- We-we both stepped out,
and we didn't know the
other person was stepping out,
at exactly the same time!
- Yeah, why are you
yelling at me right now?
- Well, I'm just explaining
the good timing of this,
when no explanation is needed.
It's just, it's the
good timing, it's...
- Okay fine, I don't
get it, but, whatever.
Oh my God, is that David?
- Oh...
Oh, hey.
- David, where did
you get this car?
- Oh, this car was paid
for by my employer.
We felt I needed a more
efficient way to get to work.
- So she bought you a car?!
- It's a rental.
Do you think I'd allow
someone to buy that car for me?
- Well, this-this is so great.
- Thank God we have a car again!
- Um, very unclear on the
"we" part of that sentence.
- Yeah, your
brother's right, Alexis,
this is his car, not ours.
We don't have a
car, and he does.
- Okay, are you okay?
- Yes, yes, I-I'm just happy
the Roses are
moving up in the world.
- There's a button
missing on your jacket.
- What?
- Oh ew, you poor thing.
♪ ♪
Are those turkey sausages?
- Yes.
- Well, maybe, maybe
I'll just sample one.
- Okay.
- Everything okay over here?
- Yes it is, Twyla. Just great.
If uh, if you could
add this to our tab,
that would be wonderful.
- Add it to your
tab. Yeah, um...
- What, is there a problem?
- Unfortunately, we can't put
any more on your tab, Mr. Rose.
We have a limit as to how
much you can charge on it
without actually
making any effort to pay.
- Oh, I see.
- So, here's your bill.
- Okay, thank you. Just uh...
Leave this with me, Twyla,
and I'll take care of it um...
this afternoon, or... tomorrow.
- This afternoon would be great.
- Well then, this
afternoon it is!
And If not, then
you know, tomorrow.
- Morning.
- Morning. Tomorrow morning.
Thank you!
Um, what is going on?
- Oh, nothing, nothing.
Nothing's going on.
It's just I've gotta move
some money around,
make sure things are... liquid.
- How much trouble are we in?
- Who said we're in trouble?
- I have dated enough
Wall Street losers
to know that "making things
liquid" is not a good thing!
- No, no, we're fine.
We're fine, honey.
No, no, I just had to use my
unemployment cheque this month
to pay for all the raw
milk that "we" ordered.
- Okay...
Um, well like, what can I do?
- Just don't tell
your mother, okay?
Or your brother, I mean,
they're too fragile
to handle this.
And no one really
needs to worry.
- Well, you might wanna
tell that to your face.
- Oh you are here,
thank goodness!
Stevie, does this computer
get internet access?
- It does.
- Please log on immediately.
- Okay...
- Jocelyn has made allusions
to certain...
sensitive photographs
from my past.
- Uh, are you sure you don't
want me to just leave you
to do this on your own?
- No, I can't type,
and I don't care to relive
my days as a secretary.
- Oh... Okay.
Uh, just give me a minute,
because we're only one
small step above dial up here.
- It's hardly
surprising that Jocelyn
would suddenly uncover
these in the middle
of a political campaign.
I suppose I just
expected more from her.
- Okay, there's a bunch
of you with O.J. Simpson.
And you with Robert Blake.
- "The Top Eleven
Photographs of Moira Rose
with Future Murder Suspects."
Well, that's not
what I'm looking for!
- Why were you in a paddle
boat with Phil Spector?
- And doesn't he looks good?
That was the one time
he let me play with his hair.
It was a sunny aft... you know,
I shouldn't have
to explain myself.
- Okay well, there's a
bunch here that could qualify
as incriminating, so...
- Okay.
I did a series of
very tasteful nudes
with Richard Avedon in the 70's.
- I see. Um...
This is really not in
my job description so...
- Why aren't they coming up?
What, do you have some
kind of childproof lock
on this internet?
- Hm, nope, that would
make my job very boring.
- Oh, keep scrolling, please.
See David, this is what
happens when you wash your face
with a bar of motel hand soap!
- It's a zit. People get zits.
I mean, I've always
had clean, radiant skin,
but I'm an anomaly.
- It's not a zit, David.
I think it's just my anxiety
clogging up my pores.
- And forming zits.
- Oh! Ohhh my God, no!
- What is going on with you?!
- I need to save this!
- Wait, you're gonna
put that on your face,
after it's been on the floor?
I don't even wear
good socks in here!
- Okay, there are
things going on right now
that you don't know about.
- Like what?
- Like things I that
can't talk about, okay?!
- I know about your
dandruff shampoo.
- That is preventative,
and that is not what
I'm talking about!
David! David, please!
Hey! Wait, can you
help me please?
- No, I can't help you!
- Can you help me please?!
No! MOIRA: David, it's urgent!
- What is it?
- Darling, I'm afraid
you and I have arrived
at an awkward moment in
our parent/child relationship.
- I'd argue that
moment happens daily.
- It seems that there are
some nude photographs of me
on the internet...
- Oh!
- and I would like
you to search for them.
- That's a real quick no.
Um, you can ask
literally anyone else.
- No, I tried to ask Stevie,
but her computer
is several years old,
and apparently quite prudish.
If someone has to find
naked pictures of me,
better you than a
stranger in a storm cellar!
- Is it though?
- What's going on?
- There are nude photos
of me all over the internet.
- Um, are you sure
you're not thinking of mine?
- Nothing's coming up.
- What search words did you use?
- Uh, your name, and "nude."
Three words I thought
I'd only have to type
if I was held at gunpoint.
- Okay, try "effervescence."
No, I'm sorry, "small umbrella."
No Wait, "Siamese Eels."
Oh... okay, no.
There was nothing.
- I don't see anything.
- You don't understand,
we must find them,
so we can then get rid of them!
Honestly!
Can no one find nude
photos of me on the internet?!
♪ ♪
- Hey!
- Hey!
Um, could I have
like, a glass of water,
Or if there's a tap
outside, or like, a hose.
- I can get you a tea.
- Thanks, Twy.
- Between you and me,
I know how hard it
can be to pay off debt.
My uncle Ken only
has three fingers now,
which is too bad,
because he's deaf,
and he only speaks
using sign language, but...
he made his choices.
- Mhmm...
The amount of times that
I run into you in this place
is like, out of a
romantic comedy.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Is everything okay?
- Um...
Yeah, totally.
I mean, I have a pimple
because I washed my face
with dirty hand
soap, but, no biggie.
Yeah, just don't look at it.
Thanks.
- One tea, on the house.
- Thanks, Twy.
- No smoothie today?
- No, not today, I um, I
forgot my purse at home.
- Oh well, if you
want a smoothie,
I can get you a smoothie.
- No, no, no, no, don't worry,
because then I would
have to pay you back,
which is gonna be hard
because my entire family is broke,
and we can't afford
to eat right now, so.
- Oh wow, I'm
sorry to hear that.
- Mhmm, me too.
- Well hey, I don't know
if this is something
you'd be interested in,
but my secretary just quit,
and if you need the cash...
- That's so sweet, but I
would be uncomfortable
accepting free money.
- No, no, you'd be working.
Doing her job, and I
would pay you for it.
- Oh!
But there would be
animals around all the time?
- That is generally
what one can expect
when working at
a vet clinic, yes.
- Hmm!
- Well, thanks for the ride.
- We've really been taking
advantage of those rides,
haven't we?
- You know, I never
thought I'd be in this situation.
Getting a ride home
from work by my son.
- That's the situation you
never thought you'd be in?
Um... I need to
go to Elmdale, so...
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
sure. Working man!
- Yes.
- Busy busy.
- Mhmm.
- You know it's funny,
It didn't seem that long ago that
you were relying on me for everything.
Like when you were taking
your harpsichord lessons,
and I would drive you.
- I was seven.
- All the lessons
that I paid for,
and schooling...
- Okay, What is happening here?
- Nothing, nothing, I'm
having a little chat with my son,
that's all, do I have
to pay for that?
Last I heard, you
didn't have to pay...
- You and Alexis, I've been
getting some very weird vibes.
- What did Alexis say?
What did she say?!
- Well, she-she
didn't say anything.
Should she have said something?
- No, no.
- What is going on?!
- It's...
I've over extended
a little bit this month.
Financially, I-I could
use some gap financing,
that's all.
- Well, should I be concerned?
- No, no.
- Well, how bad is it?
- It's pretty bad,
it's pretty bad,
and you know, this is
so awkward for a father
to come to a son for money.
- Well, believe it or not,
this is actually not
the most awkward
parent/son request
I've gotten today, so...
If you need money, I
can give you money.
- Well, thank you, David.
- So...
Oh my God! What are you doing?
- Well, I was trying
to give you a hug.
- I-I get the gesture.
- I should've undone
the seatbelt.
- Okay, well then, let's
just leave it at a gesture.
- Okay, let's just leave it.
- Um yeah, let's leave it.
- High five, son.
- Uh well, okay, okay.
- All right, okay.
So I've been
and I have decided
that I am interested.
- Great!
- But I would like
to interview for it.
Just like everybody else.
- Are you sure about that?
Because I already
offered you the job.
- No I know, I just, I don't
want any special treatment.
And it's really important to me
that I feel like I
really earned this.
- Okay, uh, have a seat.
- Okay.
Okay...
- Ahem!
Okay! So...
- Just... a second.
Okay.
- Okay.
Have you ever worked
as a receptionist before?
- That would be a no,
But I have dealt with a
lot of receptionists before,
and so I feel like I have
the right temperament for it.
- Okay, and how
are your typing skills?
- Well, you've seen me text.
- Mhmm... And how
are you at spreadsheets?
- Okay, I'm just gonna
stop you right there.
I'm loving this Q and A,
but I think what's
important right now,
is my positive attitude.
And I don't wanna brag,
but "Us Weekly" once
described me as "up for anything."
So...
- O-kay.
Yeah, great.
Well, I think that's all the
information that I need for now,
So thank you very
much for your time,
and I will be in touch.
- Thank you very
much for your time.
Did I get the job?
- Yeah, yes. You got the job.
- Okay! Okay.
You're a really good actor.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Stevie, I knew I could
trust you to find them.
The only thing is, if
you want me to print it,
our printer's not working.
- Oh dear.
- Yeah, all those online
perverts should be put
in a paddle boat,
and sent out to sea.
- No, that's not me.
- That's your face.
- Yes, it's my character
from "Sunrise Bay,"
but it's been put on the body
of what I can only assume
is an Indonesian lady boy.
- Ohhh!
- I thought maybe
you just had a tan.
- So this is it.
- Yeah, I think so.
Um, I would really rather
not dive any deeper.
- No, it's not necessary.
- Because I ended up in
some really scary, dark places
of the internet that I
would rather not revisit, so...
- I am suddenly
overwhelmed with regret.
It's a new feeling for me,
and I don't find it
at all pleasurable.
- You regret that embarrassing
photos of you aren't online?
- No, I regret
that they're lost.
They were the one perfect
memorial to who I once was.
And I should've appreciated
those firm round mammae,
and callipygian ass,
while I had them.
- If you're talking
about your body, uh...
I think you still look amazing.
- Then allow me to
offer you some advice.
Take a thousand naked
pictures of yourself now.
You may currently
think, "oh, I'm too spooky."
Or, "nobody wants to
see these tiny boobies."
But believe me, one day
you will look at those photos,
with much kinder eyes and say,
"dear God, I was
a beautiful thing!"
- Will I?
- Mhmm.
- Oh, and make sure you submit
those photos to the internet.
Otherwise, your own children
will go looking for them one day
and tragically,
they won't be there.
- Okay, so how much
money do you need?
And please keep in mind that
I had a negative
balance in there last week.
- Yeah, whatever you can spare.
You know, a couple
hundred, Three...
Four...
- Okay, how much do you
actually need, though?
- $560.00
- So my entire paycheque, then.
Okay.
- What just happened?
- I don't know.
- It says there's an
error with your PIN.
- I can see that! I can see that!
- All right.
- All right, calm down,
calm down.
- I can see that!
- You only get a
few chances here.
- I just must've typed in
the PIN number wrong.
- It's actually just "PIN,"
you don't have to say,
"PIN number," that's redundant.
- Okay, okay, wow, are you
doing this right now?!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, go ahead.
- What is going on?!
- All right, first of all,
just stop for one second,
because you've only got one
more chance at this, all right?
So focus on the numbers!
- I know my number!
It's the same PIN number
that I've had for years!
- The same "PIN!"
- Okay, can you just
take a-take a big step!
Thank you so much!
- All right, remember,
this is your last chance!
- Arghhh!
- What just happened?
- Well, it ate my card.
- Well, press eject!
- There's no eject on this
machine!
- Well, what this?
There's eject.
- That's "cancel," that doesn't do anything!
- All right, press the green one!
- I'm pressing "cancel,"
okay, nothing happens!
- Well, press something else!
- What do you want me to do?!
- Get the card back!
- We can't get the card back!
- Why?
- Wow!
- So I was able to retrieve it,
and it looks like
this is a new card.
- Thank you, yeah,
it is a new card.
- Did you use the proper PIN?
- Yeah, that's what I asked him.
- Of course I used
the proper PIN.
- I know my PIN
number, it's my birthday.
- Happy Birthday!
- No, the PIN
number is my birthday.
- He keeps saying PIN number.
- Did you start with the
temporary PIN that we sent you?
- What? What temporary PIN?
- Ah, see?
- No "see!"
- None of that, listen!
I phoned someone
here, a teller, I think,
who told me that I didn't
need a temporary PIN number!
- Oh, which teller?
Because it's only
me and Carol here.
- It was a while ago.
- It says the account
was opened last week.
- Okay, I just need to take
out some money for my dad.
Um, because my
family is in debt.
So if you could
help me help him,
that would be a wonderful thing.
- Of course, I just need
you to pick a new PIN.
- Okay.
It's 7-2-8-3.
- Sir, you just said
your PIN out loud.
So I suggest you
pick another one.
- What about my birthday?
- No!
- It's easy.
- It's not easy.
- Nothing's easy about this.
Okay, where... what?
- I never saw myself
having like, a normal job.
But I think it's gonna be kinda
nice to make money and stuff,
and like, help out a bit more.
- You're working for your ex.
- David, Ted wouldn'tve hired me
if he thought it was a bad idea!
- Ted also proposed
to you twice,
so I'd say Ted's
decision making skills
are a little suspect.
- Okay, well I will
have you know
that I went through the
same interview process
as everybody else.
He asked me several questions,
most of which I answered.
- Oh my God!
- Well kids, you'll never
guess what I just found outside.
My button!
Things are looking up!
I have something for you.
- Oh, Alexis, you
didn't have to do this.
- Open it.
- Oh, honey.
- "My deepest condolences?"
"I know things have
been tough lately,
but I'm here for you,
and hope this helps.
Love, Alexis."
Was there supposed
to be something in here?
- In where?
- In the card?
- What do you mean?
- Oh, it's just the card.
- Yeah, I thought you
could use some support.
So...
- Ohhh!
Wow!
That was really beautiful.
And very generous.
- Thank you.
- Both my kids are generous.
And I'm one very grateful dad.
Very grateful.
Awww!
Bring it in, big guy.
- Yeah, I don't know if that's
something I wanna do right now.
- David, Dad's poor right now!
- He's not poor anymore!
Because someone gave
him more than a cheap card!
- Okay, okay, that's enough.
- Okay. Oh.
What's-what's this about?
- I was just uh...
hugging my kids.
- Why?
- I found my button.
- Alexis got a job.
- Alexis got a job!
- Yeah.
- Alexis? Oh, how wonderful!
- Yeah!
- Wow Alexis, look at you!
Just starting out on
a shiny new future!
- Whew! Okay, good night, kids.
- I'm gonna get changed.
- Okay, sure.
- You know, all
I'd say we have a
couple of pretty great kids.
- Mhmm.
They say it's through our
children that we stay young.
But I haven't seen
much effort on their part.
- You're still thinking
about those photos.
- Oh, I can't help it, John.
The last traces of my
juvenescence vanished
into thin air.
- Well, perhaps they're
not the last traces.
- What does that mean?
- Why don't you
look in my folio?
Inside pocket.
Oh, you dirty dog!
- Well, what can I say?
- When did you take this?
- Greece, 1987.
- Oh, I loved those earrings.
And that skin.
And that hair.
- I'm no Avedon honey,
but I would say you still
look pretty spectacular.
- And that's all that counts.
Now how do I get this
on the internet? John!