Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Ronnie's Party - full transcript

- Morning!
- Hey! How are you?

- Oh!
- Good morning!

Hi. Oh, just continue on inside.

Well, I hope we didn't
catch the two of you

with your pants down.

- Oh...
- I'm just joking, I can see they're on.

No, we actually listened
outside to make sure.

We just brought some leftovers by.

We had a little thing
at the house last night

and we didn't want all the
food to go to waste, so.

Yeah, and you know what?



We would have invited the two of you

but it was kind of a...
Political schmooze-fest.

A lot of pressing of the
flesh, and greasing palms,

that kind of thing, you know.

It wasn't as much fun as it sounds.

Oh well, who wants an
invitation to big soiree

when you can be met
the very next morning

with some table scraps.

You know, people were
talking about you too, Moira.

Oh, they were talking
about the other candidate?

Yes!

You know, I can't wait for
this whole thing to just be over

so we can all just hang out again.

- Yeah, yeah...
- Mm-hmm.



Well, we are off to the bank.

We've got lots of donations
that we need to deposit.

- Well, thank you. Bye!
- Bye!

Those two are not as
simple minded as we thought.

He is.

-- Synced by the_foe --
-- (dla Kochasi) --

David, Ted said that
I had to wear scrubs,

but what does that mean really?

Um, I think it means
you have to wear scrubs.

Ugh. I know but look at me.

You look... amazing.

Who designs these things?!

Whatever happened to
empowering women's sexuality?

I don't think sex appeal

is the guiding principle
behind nursing uniforms.

Obviously you've never been
out for Halloween, David.

So are you nervous?

This is like the first
job you've ever had.

No it isn't.

Putting your name on a
line of edible nail polish

isn't what I would call having a job.

I was very hands on, David.

I came up with all
the flavours by myself.

Even the one that
poisoned all those people?

David, the factory in
Guangzhou assured us

that it was lead-free. Ugh!

Anyway, I'm actually really
looking forward to this.

You look like a stick of gum.

Like... what? David!

Well how much did she take?

Um, I'm gonna go get a
latte. Do you need anything?

She's an IT manager, Gerald.

She makes more money
than both of us combined.

I shouldn't be worrying
about these things.

I would love a hot tea.

Okay. Um...

Is everything okay?

Yup. Just chatting.

Listen, let me give
you some cash for that.

I don't think that expense
card is long for this world.

Mm, okay. It's just I have, um,

four more taxidermy peacocks
coming this afternoon.

Oh, I can pay cash
for those. That's fine.

Don't answer that.

It's either Gerald or the school

and I can't deal with either right now.

Okay. Um, this is really intense,

so I'm gonna go get that tea.

You're a doll. You're a doll!

Hey! Sorry I'm a bit late.

Um, I wasn't sure what the etiquette was

for this kind of thing,

so I walked around
the block a little bit.

Oh, you can show up early, or on time.

Early is probably even better.

Okay, great.

Alexis, you wanted to be
treated professionally,

so I have to ask,

where are the rest of your scrubs?

Oh. I thought this was
kind of an either/or thing.

No, they come as a set.
That's why I gave you both.

Those bare legs are dangerous.

Ted!

No, I'm serious.

The animals carry bugs or ticks

that can burrow into your bare skin.

Ew!

Don't worry, we'll just have
you focus on filing for today.

Um, okay. Awesome!

Thank you. So many files!

I'll just dive right into this.

You won't even miss your last secretary

once I get finished with these puppies.

Good news!

I found you a loaner pair.
Helen must have left them.

Phew.

Thank you, Ted. Those are just perfect.

Hello!

Ronnie! Hello you!
You're looking well today!

New khakis I see.

Are you enjoying your coffee?

I was.

I'm going to presume you were
at Jocelyn's thing last night.

How was that?

- Good. Lots of dairy.
- Oh, yes.

If anyone knows how to put a
lactose intolerant in the hospital,

it's our Jocelyn.

Moira, is there something
I can do for you?

Yes, thank you!

Ronnie, I was wondering whether or not

you have decided on a
candidate to endorse?

- Not yet.
- Oh! Good.

Why is that good?

I'm hoping I might persuade you

to put your weight behind me.

Political weight.

I now realize 'clout' was
the word I was looking for.

What makes you think I'd vote for you?

You are a sensible woman, Ronnie,

and you speak your mind.

I-i can feel your
frustration with Roland.

Now imagine his wife on council,

strengthening his agenda...

- And?
- And, were I on council,

I could support your agenda.

We could support each other's agendas.

Well, I don't hate what you're saying,

so here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna invite some
of my girl friends over

and if you can get on the
good side of these women,

let's just say you'd be
locking down a key demographic.

It's a date.

No. No, it's not. I
wouldn't call it that.

No, i-i didn't... I didn't mean...

- Uh! Just...
- No, I...

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Thank you, Ronnie.

Um, Doris, that is so exciting!

Love him for you!

I don't know. I mean, poor
Albert's allergic to cats.

But I can't leave Mittens alone.

So how do I spend time with Albert?

Veterinary clinic, how can I help you?

Can I put you on hold?

Okay, so if there's one thing I learned,

is that when it comes to love

you cannot let little
things get in your way.

Like I once dated this sultan's nephew

who was forbidden to talk
to me or even to look at me

and we made it work for like
half a regime change, so...

- You what?
- I know.

- Uh, Alexis,
- Yes.

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.

We're gonna put this on
pause. The doctor needs me.

- Yes?
- So how's the filing coming?

I have been swamped.

Doris's cat is like
totally high maintenance.

Yeah, well, Doris has
been worried about her cat

for two years. She comes in every week.

Okay, well, what am I supposed to do?

Poor thing is like desperate for a man.

And, uh, why are there
three calls on hold?

Um... I don't know, someone hung up?

Okay, Alexis, there is more to the job

than just keeping the
customers happy, all right?

This is a place of
business and right now,

there are clients waiting to talk to me.

Are you sure that
you're cut out for this?

- Mm.
- Okay.

'Kay.

Well, look, I-I can't
talk about this now,

I have to go.

I just wanted to let you know

that we just sold one
of the leather ponchos.

Oh, we're selling leather ponchos now?

Well, that doesn't sound cheap.

No, it's not, which
is why it's so exciting

that we just sold one.

- That's fabulous, David.
- It is.

Um, so I was gonna go,

unless needed me for something else.

That was Gerald and...

now I have a meeting
at the school tomorrow

and I've got no one to take
care of my stepdaughter.

His ex-wife certainly won't do it.

Wow... well, if there's
anything I can do, just...

I need someone to take
care of my stepdaughter.

Okay. Well, if there's
anything I can do, just...

I need you to take
care of my stepdaughter.

'Kay, I don't think
that's a very good idea.

I'm gonna drop her off at four.

I'm looking forward to it.

You're a doll.

I brought you some trail mix,
but I spilled it in my purse.

So sweet of you, Doris. Thank you.

Hey, I was thinking about
what you said yesterday

and, um, I think...
Now is not a good time.

Okay. Um... how are things with Mittens?

Uh... he-he's dead.

Ew!

I'm just trying to figure
out what happened, all right?

Okay. Um, well, what am
I supposed to tell Doris?

Don't say anything to her.

Just keep her company while
I figure this out, okay?

Okay, so I'm just supposed
to act like nothing happened?

- Yeah, for now.
- Okay.

Um, how am I supposed to do that?

- Alexis.
- Okay.

Yeah. 'Kay.

Hi!

Um... do you have any like DVDs

or like a dusty old
board game I could borrow?

Oh, usually we reserve those
for our platinum members.

Mhmm.

Oh, but I do have a Rummoli box

filled with puzzle
pieces on the shelf there.

Sounds like something you'd
find at a serial killer's house.

Hmm. Big night planned?

Um, I am babysitting tonight, so...

You're joking.

Mm-mm. I wish I was joking.

But you hate kids.

Mm-hmm. That's correct.

- Oh my God. Can I watch?
- No.

- Or video tape?
- No, you... no.

- Can I bring friends?
- No.

My boss's life is a
bit of a mess right now,

so I said I'd help out by
babysitting her stepdaughter.

And you're sure you
can do this on your own?

Mm-hmm.

Um, 'cause I'm a fully
capable human being.

Um, if you happen to find any Xanax...

Lying around anywhere,

can you just... Let me know about that?

I-I think I might just pick
up these treats while I wait.

Oh... um, yeah, no, um...

But these treats are actually
gonna go on sale next week,

so maybe you just wanna
hold off until then?

Well, I think he'd really like them.

Yeah...

I'm sure he would really like them...

If he wasn't... dead.

- What?
- Yeah, he's dead.

But! But the good news is, you're not.

Mittens is dead?

Yeah. But um...

But you're free, Doris,
and, in a way, so is Mittens.

- Oh. What happened?
- We're not sure yet,

but I think that the important thing

is that Mittens is no longer suffering.

Oh, what do I do now?

Do I put him in a box? Bury him?

Ew! No, we don't have to talk
about that right now, okay?

I know this is hard.

But, um, the upside, um...

The upside... Oh! Is that
Albert from the down the hall

can now come over for dinner

without worrying about his
allergies threatening his life.

Hey. I think it's time that we find you

a new love of your life.

It's okay.

♪

John, wait. I didn't tell you earlier

because I didn't want
you to back out on me,

but you're going to be the
only man here this evening.

Well, I think I can handle that.

Mm-hmm? Ronnie told me that her friends

represent a key demographic

and I don't believe
it's women with husbands.

- Oh...
- Mm-hmm.

I feel really good about this,

and I think you just
approach these women

like you did Paula, our landscaper.

Very strong, very forceful.

- Oh!
- Hello, Ronnie.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Come in... both of you.

We're counting down the
top 100 hottest stars in Hollywood.

From this Canadian...

Has that actress had work done too?

Um, yeah, you can always tell

because their upper lip sort of...

I mean, like, puffs a bit.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Do you want more coffee?
- Yes, please.

Okay, so we've run out of sugar.

Um, do you want it still
because I don't really.

This star has everyone wondering...

How will that face turn out?

Well, folks, take a look at her now!

You okay?

I'm fine...

- Are you sure?
- Something happened.

What?!

Nothing. Just d-don't look on the bed.

The self-described tom-boy...

... Has become a
serious star on the rise,

which is why we've named her number...

- It's okay!
- On our hot list!

Needless to say, that was the last time

I played charades with Fran Leibovitz.

Oh, this is wonderful. Wonderful!

And I would love to regale you all night

with entertaining anecdotes,
but I would be remiss

if I didn't outline some of my policies

for this community of remarkable women.

Moira, could I have a word?

Excuse us, ladies. Family matter.

I knew I should've left
him home with the sitter.

Moira, I have a feeling not
every woman here is a lesbian.

Oh, John, you love to think
women are flirting with you.

No, I was just talking
someone over there

who has a husband. A male husband.

Everything all right?

Yes. Ronnie,

when mentioned earlier
that I might lock down

a key demographic this
evening, you meant what?

Entrepreneurs.

Everyone here is a member of
the women's business association.

Oh. Business association.

Yes, that's what I...

I think we're all ready when you are.

All I'm missing is my teleprompter!

- Business association.
- Yes, I heard her.

Oh God.

You know, I have to
say that I'm impressed.

It's not everyone who
can tell an old woman

that her cat is dead, and
set up a love connection,

and sell our most expensive marble urn

in the same three-minute conversation.

Well, I'm not totally sure
about the love connection.

I'm still waiting for
Doris to text me back.

- Right.
- So.

Uh, was there something
that you wanted to say to me?

- What?
- Uh, just earlier,

it seemed like you were
trying to tell me something.

Oh! No, I think it was
about, um, vacation days.

- Ah.
- Yeah, you had mentioned two weeks.

So I guess I was just wondering,

um, how many two-week vacations
are available per year?

Well, tell you what, why
don't we start with one

and then we'll just go from there.

Okay. Yeah. That could work.

- Great.
- Great.

Honestly? Nothing is more natural...

Um, aside from maybe the...
thread count in these sheets,

but that's okay! 'Cause
you're a woman now!

Um, and nothing about
that is embarrassing.

I'm not embarrassed, I'm scared!

I mean, you were talking so much

about your high thread count linens...

Yeah. Well, I think it's gonna come out.

And how they were made
by Egyptians or something?

No, I'm well aware of that. Um, so...

So, uh, I think my sister
has some wonderful products

in there for you.

Uh, health accessories,

so feel free to help yourself to those.

Um... okay.

Uh...

So you can just tie that
around your waist, okay?

Yeah, thank you.

Mmm... okay.

Equality. Freedom. Marriage.

These are the rights of every community,

and even more specifically...
The business community.

No faction of society deserves
to be discriminated against,

especially women who...
Are in business faction.

One of my top priorities will be to...

To change people's misguided

and ignorant perceptions
of women like you.

You did not choose this life!

No, each one of you was
born to be an entrepreneur.

Why don't I open up the floor
to some of your concerns?

I want to elect someone who
understands the pressures

of working and raising a family.

Very nice, yes. I love that.

- Working and... ?
- Raising a family.

And raising a family.

Well, John, my husband
will back me up on this,

I had a six-and-a-half
season career

as an actress in television,
which I put on hold

to devote all my time and energy

to raise two million
dollars for charity.

And two children.

Oh, yes, and two children.

Hmm? And on top of that, I
managed a staff of twelve.

You ran your own business?

Household staff, yes.

Ronnie says you've
only lived here a year?

That's true, Ronnie, thank you,

but I am a quick study.

Karen, I learned tonight that
you run a gravel business, yes,

and you, Audrey, you manage
a team of accountants,

and you, Tara,

you're very concerned
about your inverted nipples.

Which I assumed was public domain;

there were a lot of you
around when she told.

Well, ladies, I'm-I'm not
that different from any of you.

I had my first job at the age of ten,

sweeping up hair in a beauty salon.

I will never forget the
value of a hard day's work.

Believe me when I tell you, if elected,

I will put just as much
work into my time on council

as you women put into
your businesses every day.

Oh, being in business myself,

I've attended quite a
few of these functions,

and this one was quite the success.

Yeah, I think your wife's gonna do okay.

Well, she pulled it off, didn't she?

Considering she came
in - well, we both did -

- thinking everyone was...
- Black?

No. I mean that everyone was leaning...

- Younger?
- John, we should go.

No, what I mean is that, uh,

that I am very comfortable
seeing women with other women.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah, that
didn't come out right. I...

M-Moira and I have been
very, very supportive

of the LGBTQ community.

- Oh, John... John.
- For...

Did I leave out a letter?

Thank you so much, Ronnie.

I love your friends and
I really loved that dip.

Oh, the dip was incredible,
really, for men and women.

That's... good night.

-- Corrected by ChrisKe --