Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Motel Guest - full transcript

Oh, there's a woman in here

Who couldn't afford a Persian rug,
so she painted one on her tiled floor.

The magazine is
celebrating her ingenuity!

Well, it sounds like
a creative solution.

A creative solution would be a lobotomy

to make one forget
they like nice things.

It's all so bleak.

Goodnight, John.

Sleep well, sweetheart.

David, could you turn that down, please?

As if you think that's what I listen to!



David, Alexis, turn the music down!

- It's coming from the other side!
- What?

Could you turn the music down, please?!

Hello?! We're trying to sleep in here!

Stop yelling!

I'm trying to turn the music down!

Stop banging on the wall!

David, stop yelling at your father!

Hello?!

Why is everybody screaming?!

Alexis, enough!

The music's too loud!

Then get them to turn it down!

Well, that's what I'm trying to do!



Sync by the_foe (for urodzinowa Boba)
Corrections by PetaG

John.

John!

John, do you have any idea
what a terrible night's sleep

does to one's face?

What, you couldn't sleep?

How could I sleep with that noise?!

What noise? They turned it off.

No, you... you just fell asleep,

and stayed asleep with no
regard for my well being.

Now my eyes are puffy. Are they puffy?

No, they look like they
usually look, Moira.

So now my eyes are usually puffy!

Oh Moira, they're fine!

These bags are like gypsy
caravans, packed to the brim!

Oh my God, this can't be happening.

All right, I'll take care of it.

Could you turn the music down, please?!

My wife hasn't slept all night!

Oh! Hey, Johnny.

- Roland!
- Hey, uh...

- Yeah.
- What are you doing here?

Well, we're, uh, doing
some renos on the uh, house,

so we're gonna shack up
here until they're all done.

Um honey, don't hog
all the hot water, okay?

- Thank you.
- Jocelyn's here?

Y-yeah, no, Johnny's here.

Yeah, yes, I will say hi to him for you.

Jocelyn says hi, John.

You didn't hear us last night?

- Nope.
- Banging away?

Now, whatever you and
the missus do after hours,

that's your business, not mine.

On the walls Roland, with our fists!

And if you're into that kind of
stuff, that doesn't bother me at all.

- All right, stop, stop!
- That is fine. What?

- Stop it! What are you doing here?!
- Oh!

I told you, our basement flooded.

You said "renovations."

Yes... renovations, because
our basement flooded!

What? Yes, you're
absolutely right, honey,

it is time that we
asked Johnny to leave.

So Johnny, I think you should...

Is Jocelyn really there?

Did you hear that, sweetheart?

He doesn't think you're really
here. Would you please tell him?

- Thank you! Satisfied?
- Jocelyn?

Okay look, Johnny, unless
you have a warrant, okay?

Jocelyn and I are gonna
be shutting our door now.

- Jocelyn?
- Okay, that's fine.

So you think Jocelyn's
at the root of this?

Yeah well, I think obviously
they... they... they... they had a...

they had a fight, Moira.

You know, I just don't know
how she puts up with him.

And now he's living next door.

I've never pretended to like this motel,

but at least it provided
a buffer between us,

- and those people!
- Yeah...

How long do you think he'll be here?

Well, I hate to think.

Oh God, this is the
last thing we need, John.

We're barely hanging on as it is!

Well, what does that mean,
Moira? "We're barely hanging on?!"

I mean living in a space this
limited, is trying enough on a marriage

without having Roland
wallowing next door.

This is going to bring
us to a breaking point!

Oh Moira, it's not gonna
bring us to the breaking point.

I think we've done an amazing
job since we've been here.

I mean, I barely remember
an argument between us!

That's my point.

In a room this tiny,
we've just got to ignore

the little irritants of the
other, or you'd go insane!

Little irritants? What uh...

What little irritants?
I have little irritants?

Yes, we all do.

Peccadilloes, cloying habits.

Like what, for instance?

All right, John. I...

I drink a little too much tea sometimes.

And that's it for you? You uh...

You drink tea?

Well, it calms me, so
I suppose you would say

that's because I'm inclined
to get nervous or insecure.

No, I would say you're
sometimes a little defensive,

and uh, perhaps a tad paranoid.

That would only be after you've taken
that condescending father tone with me.

- Father tone?
- There it is.

You think I have a father tone?

John, I wish you could hear yourself
talk. But of course you never do.

And that's the other thing I
guess, I never listen to myself?

Look, it's by not engaging
in this kind of tit-for-tat

that we keep our marriage afloat.

And you have no faults,
other than drinking tea?!

John, I just admitted that
I can get a little defensive.

But only when you act like a big child!

I act like a child?

Yes John, and now is not the time
for you to throw one of your tantrums!

Moira, of the two of us,

I'm not the one who throws tantrums!

I will not engage.

I do not want to see
him get the better of us.

And I'm sorry, obviously
this has worked you up

into some kind of... fit of pique.

Okay, you know what?

I need some air.

That's another thing Mr. Rose,
you never finish your fights.

Oh, this one's finished!

Stevie, you look like you would know
about affordable housing. Is this legit?

Uh... it's an ad for an apartment.

I know, it's cute though, right?

I wouldn't really describe any
apartment as cute in this town.

Hi...

Um, hi.

There's a collection of undershirts

hang drying outside of my room.

Um, is there any way
they could be removed,

or is there like, a Texas Chainsaw movie

being filmed out there
that I'm not aware of?

Actually, Roland is
staying here for a few days.

- Ew.
- That's disgusting.

What's going on over
here? Let me see that.

What is this?

"Charming studio apartment
for rent in lower SC."

What's "lower SC?" I thought this
town was just one long street.

I am thinking about getting a place.

I have some money coming
in, and it's just...

It's not really a cute look to
be this age, and live at home.

No offense, David.

Okay, it's not like I have
a lot of say in the matter.

M'kay well, you're a full grown man,

- who's much older than me,
- Hmmm.

- living at home. So it's just a little
- Mm-hmm.

- bit embarrassing.
- Mmm, "available immediately."

I wonder if you could move out tonight?

Uh no, because I'm gonna be using my
half of the room as a guest bedroom.

Ooh, better yet, you could sublet it.

I'm sure there's plenty of vagrants
looking for temporary housing.

Speaking of which, David,
I'm gonna need you to come

and look at the apartment with me.

Okay, why would I do that?

Because David, as an
attractive, single female,

I don't feel comfortable going
to look at an apartment by myself!

Well, what if the person
who's showing you the apartment

is like, a super cute
single real estate guy?

Mmmm... that person
doesn't exist in this town.

Okay, well, if that's the case,
then David, you have to come with me.

And if I like the place,

then you can have the whole
motel room to yourself, okay?

Okay.

She's nuts. Um, if you could...

just figure out the undershirt

situation, there's just so many
of them, and it's a lot for me.

- Bye!
- You know, for my eyes.

Mm-hmm.

- Hey, Johnny.
- Oh, Jocelyn. Hi.

- How are you?
- Fine, thank you.

- Really?
- Yes.

I couldn't help but notice
that you seemed a little...

sad sack-y today.

Sad sack-y?

Well, maybe that's
because your husband is

occupying the room
next to us at the motel.

I thought he might end up there.

That's where we had our honeymoon.

Had a lot of great times in that room.

I don't think this is one of them.

He was playing "Don't Cry Out Loud",

loud at two in the morning.

I'm so sorry.

It's our wedding song.

It was actually the first
song that we ever made...

Okay, I really don't
need the details on that.

Listen, I would ask you to sit,

- but I... I am not...
- Absolutely, yes!

So...

- you two are
- Yeah.

- going through a little bit of a thing?
- Had a tiff, and uh,

I just said, I need some space.

Well, I'm glad you have your space,

and I'm glad Roland has his space,

I'll tell you who's now
having a major problem

- with their space.
- Okay, Johnny.

Sometimes it's a lot
easier to blame others

than it is to maybe
kinda turn it inwards

on ourselves, isn't it?

Meaning...

Well, it's kinda obvious that you and
Moira are a little bit rocky right now.

No, no, things are not rocky.

Things are not rocky, and if they
are, it's because your husband

- is driving us insane!
- So you're telling me that

there are no issues

- between you two right now?
- No! No! No issues.

Well, by "issues," if
you mean p-peccadilloes,

- if you mean little irritants.
- Mmmm.

Maybe.

- Uh-huh.
- But uh no, we're...

- we're good.
- Good.

Err, right this way.

As you can see, it's light and breezy.

And by breezy, I mean there's
a slight but steady draft

I'm told you only notice in the winter.

This is so cute for me.

Oh, and there's a lovely window here

through which you can
see all of the town.

The cafe, the garage,

a tree of some kind just uh, over there.

This is cute, right?

I think this is super cute.

Wait, is it cute?

'Cause I know that it's
light, and spacious, and...

airy in here, but I just
wasn't sure if it was cute.

Oh, it's cute.

Are these original moldings?

Yes, but we can rip those out.

Okay well, I'm the one that
should be asking the questions.

Okay, be my guest.

Okay, so...

When does um...

Is this a functioning fireplace?

Yes, we found an incinerated
squirrel carcass there last week.

- Ah.
- Um, what are you doing, David?

You wanted my help, so I'm helping.

Mm, okay.

What's the rent?

Uh, they want $275, but
I think they're dreaming.

- A week?
- No, no, no, a month.

But again, I think
we can talk them down.

Wait, $275 a month for this? That's
cheaper than my P.O. Box in New York.

Do you think I should take it?

Well, I mean, it is... it is very old.

I think that I would like
to see the lease agreement.

I thought you'd never ask!

Ugh, you know, it actually kind
of reminds me of your old um...

office space that you
had in the West Village.

- Mm-hmm.
- Remember?

- Yep!
- So cute.

You know what I think brought
all this on? That darn election!

It's really hard on couples.
I mean, don't get me wrong,

I really appreciate how
involved Roland wants to be

in my campaign, it's
just that sometimes,

he can be sooo...

- Irritating? Obnoxious?
- No. I was gonna say sensitive.

- Oh, sensitive.
- Especially when I wanna

do something on my own.

Ohhh! Do you really think
he's obnoxious and irritating?

No! No, no, no, I was
just trying to imagine

- what you know, you were feeling, no.
- Well, I feel frustrated a lot.

You know, you try to have a
rational conversation with him,

and he just gets all
like, stubborn and selfish.

And then he acts like
you're the one behaving like

- a child! Right? Yeah, exactly.
- Exactly!

Words get... get used,
and twisted around,

and yet, he uses that against you.

- Yes, that is so Roland!
- And you get the reputation

for being hot-headed, and he
gets to push every button he can!

You are so right!

You know, I thought that I
might be ready to forgive him,

but I think he needs a couple
more nights at that motel.

But, on the other hand...

maybe it's through your forgiveness
that you teach him a lesson.

Right, and... and the
sooner you forgive him,

then... then the better
it's gonna be for... for you.

Roland!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh! Moira, this isn't a good time, um...

Jocelyn and I are about to make brunch.

You can give up the act.

You and I need to talk.

Close the door honey, will you?
You're lettin' my flies out.

Ugh! It's time for you
to go home and apologize.

Oh, okay.

I'll do that. Um...

Just one question. Where's Johnny?

I imagine he's at work.

'Cause he seemed pretty
angry this morning.

I don't know, maybe you need
to go home and apologize.

Sorry sweetheart, these
walls are pretty thin.

Oh yes, I know.

The only reason John and I had
words is because we were exhausted,

- from being kept up all night!
- Mmm.

It seems someone in the motel was
playing loud music until 4 A.M.!

I'm sorry, are you
complaining about the quality

of the free lodging that I
arranged for you this past year?

I think we're very
courteous guests, Roland,

and have tried to
contribute to this town,

in whatever way we could.

This town, which is quite
frankly, woefully mismanaged.

Oh, ugh, ew! I hate that!

Eww! That is just the kind of
arrogance that I can't stand!

You come in here, and you
think you know everything!

Oooh! Ohhhh!

No, but I think if I was in your
position, I would be open to new ideas.

Oh! Right! Of course you would.

- I would!
- Sure. Hah! Yeah. Mmmm...

Hello, everyone! I'm Moira
Rose, and I know famous people,

so I really can't talk
to the common folk.

Excuse me all, coming through!

So I'm assuming this place
comes fully furnished?

No, this is all completely staged.

Hmm, it must be very expensive
to furnish a place like this.

Ah, not really if you
get it second hand.

Or uh, maybe you get
up early on Tuesdays,

which is garbage day, and
find a discarded couch or sofa.

Mm-hmm, um well, you know what, I
don't even really need that much stuff.

I kinda like the
minimalist look anyway, so.

It's very quiet in here, Ray,
it's like, alarmingly quiet.

The apartment was soundproofed
by the previous owner.

But the irony is the people
next door are completely deaf,

so you could literally scream for
hours, and no one would hear you.

Did you hear that?

You could scream for hours,
and no one would hear you.

Okay well, think about how much
fun that will be for parties, David.

Um, and what about parking?

Okay, you don't... you
don't even have a car!

Oh my god, if you want
the place so badly, David,

- why don't you just say it?!
- Who says I want it?

So you don't want it?

- No.
- So if I said that

I didn't want the place, you
wouldn't... you wouldn't want it?

- Okay, so you don't want the place?
- Okay, I'm just trying to figure out if

- you want the place!
- Oh, okay, okay.

I think I know what all
the hesitation is about.

Yes, someone did take their
own life in this space,

but the good news is, we've
replaced the ceiling fan,

it's now a break-away model.

And to answer your question,
yes, there is parking.

Uh, oh, and they also allow cats.

Oh? Oh? You wanna drop the gloves?
Let's drop the gloves, Roland.

You are an emotionally stunted,
self absorbed man-child.

You lord this counterfeit power of yours

over others like a schoolyard bully!

Okay, well you're a
phony baloney blowhard,

who's desperately scared of being
thought of as a regular person!

I used to be a regular person!

You're just a stuck up pencil
skirt with clown makeup,

and a janitor's mop on your head!

You are an inexplicably cocky imbecile!

Your marriage is as
blighted as this town,

and you have no one
to blame but yourself!

- Whoa...
- Oh.

- Well, hold on.
- I went too far.

- Yeah.
- Well...

- Well, I mean, come on.
- In the spirit of things.

Yeah but still, that was kind of...

over the line.

I like Jocelyn,

And I know you two have a
very special relationship.

Well, we... I mean, we
have our differences.

Oh God, who doesn't?

I was... I was just riffing.

John?

Oh sweetheart, I
didn't mean to wake you.

Don't hear any music next door.

No, I think he tuckered himself out.

Oh, well, that's good, that's good.

I suppose he just needed
to spout off for a while.

Yeah well, Jocelyn will
be glad to hear that.

She just came to pick him up.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think she just needed some alone time,

you know, to clear her head.

That's understandable.

Hmm.

It's unfortunate they can't
communicate those needs to each other.

Yeah well, they don't have what we have.

I can't argue with that.

I thought you said Jocelyn
came back to make up!

She did!

That happens to be their wedding song.

Just admit that you wanted the place.

I was just asking questions

to help you make the right decision.

Well, you're a terrible liar, David.

It's a pretty good deal, though.

Seriously though, would
you wanna live in a house

where someone killed themselves?

I could almost guarantee you

that someone's killed
themselves in this room.

Ew, David!

- Okay, good night.
- Good night.

Ugh!

You know, sometimes
at night, I see things.

Oh my God, David!

Yeah, yeah. Like...

dark things.

Like sometimes there's this old
woman that paces back and forth

by your bed, waving her
hands over your face.

I don't think her bony fingers
ever touch your mouth, though.

Mom?

Do you ever wake up with chapped lips?

Dad!

Dad's dead.

Ohh, you're such a dick, David!

Stop!

Corrections by PetaG