Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Allez-Vous - full transcript

Mom, can you come here, please?

What?!

- I said, come here, please!
- You come here!

We got a big box sent to us!

- We did?
- It's a package!

- Who's it from?
- I don't know.

Oh! It's for me!

Thinking of you!

"Dear M., hope this helps,

I only wish I could do more, xoxo, J.S.P."

Justine St. Pierre!



David, one of my dear friends
is finally reaching out,

and you know what, I
knew it would be Justine.

She can be an angry drunk,
but we were always close.

"Congratulations on your
Allez Vous Starter Kit."

That frigid whore!

What's Allez Vous?

It's a scam, it's her
stupid cosmetics company!

It's a pyramid scheme
for desperate housewives,

and struggling actors!

Well, how much can we make from this?

David, it's an insult,
we're sending it back!

Well, apparently you can win an Audi.

What colour?

A Champagne Audi, look at that!



As if you could ever sell
enough of this crap to get a car.

Well, Kristi Stubbs and
her team out of Montreal

have sold enough to get the car, so...

don't believe everything
you read, dear, please.

- Burn it!
- Except this mascara.

So Ray can't lend me his car today,

because he has to drive his
92-year-old mother somewhere.

Where does a 92-year-old
woman need to go?!

I don't know, John, perhaps the hospital?

Yeah, well, it's just I needed that car

to get to my appointment today.

What appointment?

Well, you know, the uh...

Thing that I had, I had a thing that I...

What thing?

An unemployment thing, okay?

To get unemployment insurance,

I have the meeting this afternoon,

and now I have to grovel to Roland,

to get his truck, in
order to get to Elmdale,

to get this money...

Well, I think you're brave,

and while I didn't see us
living off of food stamps,

I think there is something
very masculine about the way

you're taking control of this situation.

Sweetheart, I'm about to beg for a truck,

in order to beg for money,

I think you've gotta
raise that masculinity bar

just... just a little.

- Roland!
- Hey, Johnny.

- Hi!
- What?

- Hi!
- Can't hear you.

Hey, turn the motor off!

I can't hear you, the motor's on!

Turn the motor off!

Turn the motor off, you dumb son of a...

well, what can I do for
you, you "dumb son of a... "?

Hey Roland, I need... I
need to borrow your truck,

I've got a very important
appointment today,

and I sure could use it.

Well of course, Johnny, you
know my truck is your truck,

any time you wanna borrow it,
it's fine with me, no problem-

well, that's very, very
nice, that's so nice.

Listen, as the owner of the truck,

would you do me one favour, though?

When you return it, can
you bring the seats back up,

the way I had 'em, I'd appreciate that.

- I do.
- Well, you don't.

But if could, I'd appreciate
it, that'd be great.

Well, I think I do!

- Here's the keys,
- Thank you.

... and also, when you return it,

if you don't mind just backing it in,

because in the morning,
I have to kinda crick...

Yeah, I'll back it in, I'll back it in!

My neck like that, if you could
back it in that would be terrific.

Sure, I'll back it in.

The wiper fluid, um...

I had to replace sooner than usual,

- Now, I'm not asking...
- I don't touch the wiper fluid!

- Well, okay, somebody did.
- I never use it.

Yeah well, I guess your "imaginary
friend" uses wiper fluid, right?

I don't know! I'm not
asking for payback here,

but whatever you think
is fair would be terrific.

Okay, I never use it, though.

The radio was at a four.
I like it at a ten, so...

Okay, you know what, I'm gonna walk!

- Where are you going?
- I'm gonna walk, Roland!

- What do you mean you're walking?
- I don't want your truck!

No, no, the truck's right
there, what are you talking...

I don't need your truck!

It's gonna be there all day!

I'm just asking, maybe
you could put a little air

in the tires, from time to time.

Bonjour!

Now that you've opened
your Allez Vous starter kit,

let's begin with those
essential tips and tricks

you'll need to make up
to 600,000 dollars a year.

That's 50,000 a month,

that's 7,000 dollars a week.

No, it isn't! She didn't
finish high school.

Now, you've heard of other
get rich quick schemes,

but this isn't a scheme, it's a system.

Look at the work she's
had done, it's grotesque.

Go grab a pen and paper,

because I'm about to share
with you some essential

tips and tricks to maximize
your sales productivity.

If this seems like a dream come true,

you need to pay attention
to my tips and tricks.

But the best part is, the
products sell themselves!

Okay, where are the tips and tricks?

We've been watching this for five minutes,

she's talking in circles!

Because it's a scam!

But if your father's
willing to go out there

and sell his soul, dear,

the least we can do is
try to sell this garbage.

What's this? Huh?

Oh, it's a sunless bronzing.

Okay, let's sell it, how hard could it be?

You sell you.

You sell you using Allez Vous.

Okay, we're going to have a luncheon.

A luncheon?

Mm-hmm, a luncheon for
our little townie friends.

It's the least we could do. Hmm!

System, support, tips, tricks,
community, opportunity, tips...

Twyla?

- Hey, what's up?
- Nothing.

So um, Ted ordered toast, not home fries,

and he got home fries, so would
you just be a peach, and...

Oh, sorry.

No, you know what? It's
okay. I'm good with it.

I like home fries, I'm gonna eat 'em, so.

First day of a cleanse,
so she's a little whoo!

Okay, so I can take it back.

- That would actually be great, if you wouldn't...
- No, no thank you.

Lex, if you'll just let
me eat my breakfast here,

it's not like there's broken glass in it.

There's broken glass?

No, there is not broken glass in it,

just a lot of great flavours
that I can't wait to taste.

Great!

Thank you.

I'm just trying to help you.

Well, if you wanna help, eat something.

I do not like what this
cleanse is doing to your brain.

You're being very rude!

I'm sorry for yelling.

Ain't she a beaut?

Boy, is she ever, Bob.

You know, I uh...

I woke up this morning, I said to myself,

Johnny, you've gotta buy yourself a car.

You may have a business
meeting in Elmdale one day,

and you're gonna be in trouble.

Yeah, I wouldn't have thought
this was your cup of tea.

Oh, this is exactly what I was looking for!

Yeah, I'd love to take this
baby out for a test drive.

Yeah? I've got the keys,
let's take 'er for a spin.

Not with you, Bob, I
don't wanna bother you.

It's no bother.

I would just love to
take this out myself, Bob,

you know, a little peccadillo
of mine when I'm buying a car,

I like to experience the car one on one,

just me and the machine,

you know what I mean?

No, I don't.

I just wanna take it out
for a test drive, Bob,

just for a spin.

So... Once around the block?

Oh yeah, once around the block,

you know, maybe around the corner,

up the road a bit.

What road?

Well, this road, I'll take it up this road.

Okay, but no lefts, okay?

Because they lead to the highway,

and I really don't want her on the highway.

Why would I take it on the highway?

♪ driving down that highway of life ♪

♪ feelin' fine and feelin' sunny ♪

♪ going to pick me up some money ♪

You do know that just staring at the fence

isn't gonna help me fix it, right?

Yeah, I am.

I'm just thinking about
Ted, and how nice he is,

and... generous,

like, almost too generous.

And I just wanna grab him
by the sweater sometime,

and be like, "stop being
so generous and nice!"

He always has been.

I feel bad thinking about all those times

I pinned him against a locker.

You pinned somebody against a locker?!

Well, I was a different person then,

a lot changed since after high school.

So what did he do to make
you such a teenage cliché?

He always said hi when
he passed me in the halls,

and for some reason, it bugged me.

Yeah, I can see that.

So he's bugging you.

What? No! Oh my God, no!

Oh yes.

No, I'm just saying, generally speaking,

when you order breakfast and
they give you the wrong order,

send it back and get the right order.

I never return food,
I think that's so rude.

Oh no!

Oh, son of a bum!

Son of a bitch!

Argh! What the hell?!

Ugh!

Oh!

Oh!

Well, the good news is all
you need is a new fan belt,

and then you'll be right back on the road.

Good, good.

Well, it was important I
get to Elmdale today, Roland,

I appreciate you helping me out.

Ah, it's no problem, Johnny.

So, where in Elmdale am I taking you?

Oh, just the general
downtown area will be fine.

Okay, don't wanna tell me
where we're going, interesting.

It's uh, just... just a business meeting,

just I've gotta meet a guy.

Uh huh, what guy?

A financial guy, it's a financial matter.

Well Johnny, it's gonna
be awfully hard for me

to get you to this meeting if
I don't know where we're going!

I mean, why is this such a big secret?

It's not a big secret, it's
not a big secret, Roland,

and you're only doing 25, if
we could pick it up a little...

Oh my God, now you're in such a hurry.

What's the big rush here?
I don't get that, either!

The office closes at
four o'clock, that's all.

What office are you talking about?

The financial guy that
I'm seeing, his office...

What financial guy?

The guy I'm doing business
with, I told you...

- Where are we going?!
- The unemployment office!

Okay?

I'm applying for unemployment.

Jeez pal, your business is your business.

I don't know why you're telling me!

Well, good afternoon!

Everyone have a full glass, I hope?

We've wanted to have you all here for ages,

you've all so graciously welcomed us

into your heavenly hamlet!

Now, if you'll be so good as to follow me,

David is setting out some hors d'oeuvres

in our adjoining suite.

David! We have guests!

You were supposed to have cleaned
up all these quality products!

I must've lost track of time.

Now the seating areas are
covered in Allez Vous cosmetics!

I know, I just didn't want
to put such high quality

paraben and paba free product on the floor!

Come on in.

Okay, well everything's going
super well, I can see, so...

well no, come on, we've
gotta stay for a bit.

No, we've made our
appearance, and now we can go.

Your mom asked me to come.

Well, she asked everybody to come.

Can you not just say no for one time, Ted?!

Jocelyn, you can hold this lip plumper.

Ronnie, this is a mineral moisturizer,

you could keep it on
your lap, or sample it.

David, now is not the
time to discuss Allez Vous'

preferred customer discounts.

Oh!

Actually, I think I'm going
to be getting lunch elsewhere.

Can I come with you?

I don't think so.

Now you get all decisive-y?

I was just so excited
about Allez Vous' exclusive

anti-aging formula,
and rejuvenation serums.

Alexis, you'd like this product.

It's all about aging, and dry skin.

Oh my God, ew, David!

David, I know you're excited to be part

of the fastest growing
multilevel marketing community

on the continent, but honestly!

There's something wrong with your face.

With my face?

Well, if any of you do
happen to have questions

about the products,

or how to make up to
600,000 dollars a year,

I suppose I'd be willing to
share with you what I know.

In the meantime, please, eat, drink,

to your possible beauty!

How can I help you today, sir?

Uh, yes, Johnny Rose, I have an
appointment to get some money.

Get some money?

I need a cheque, preferably today.

Ideally in the next few minutes,

'cause I have somebody waiting in the car.

Well, we don't just give out money.

First we need some information.

Oh yeah, sure, yeah. Hm-hm.

- Your name?
- Johnny Rose.

- Last employer?
- Johnny Rose.

And how long did you work for yourself?

All my life.

And your reason for being out of work?

I sold my business, and I got
screwed by my business manager.

Did you pay into unemployment insurance?

I don't know, maybe I did, maybe I didn't,

it never came across my desk, I uh...

We can't give you money unless
you contributed to the program.

I don't think you're understanding,

I employed people, hundreds of people.

You see, and now I'm unemployed.

But that doesn't mean you
qualify for unemployment.

I lost my job!

You lost your business.

Okay, let me walk you through this.

You see, I need money
to get back on my feet

so I can employ more people,

that might actually end up
saving you money in the long run

now, am I the only one who understands

how an economy works around here?!

Let me walk you through this, Mr. Rose.

Unless you can prove that you
contributed, you don't qualify.

If you were laid off, or fired,

or could show that you
were out looking for work,

that would be a different story.

I'd like to talk to
your supervisor, please.

I am the supervisor.

And, may I say, doing a fantastic job.

And who's interested?

Well, it doesn't look like
anybody's really interested.

Get out!

I know someone here wants in
on this exclusive opportunity!

Moira, honey, that Champagne
Audi is really hard to get.

Excuse me?

Take it from me, Roland and
I have been Allez Vous reps

for two years, and we're
still driving that old truck.

Sorry, you're... you're
an Allez Vous consultant?

I'm actually an executive area manager.

I'm a district manager.

I'm an executive district manager.

I gave up.

What?!

The Allez Vous craze hit
the town a couple years ago,

and you should've seen us!

In two weeks we had sold everything

to the other half of town, and vice versa.

That's... that's funny.

It became a bit incestuous,
yeah, very small sales pool.

It became literally
impossible to climb the ladder.

Anywho, good luck!

Somehow, we got off on the wrong foot.

Okay? So if I in any way
gave you the impression that-

I am locking up now, Mr. Rose.

Johnny, how long is this gonna take,

'cause I got a couple-

Roland?

Well Marnie, hello. How are you?

Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah, it has been a while, hasn't it?

Marnie and I were, um, how shall I say it?

"Close friends" in high school.

Isn't that right, Marnie?

Okay, that's enough of that.

Marnie likes the bad boys.

Roland!

Are you taking care of
my bad boy over there?

No, she's being quite obstinate
about this whole situation.

I'm getting nothing!

Well, unfortunately,
Mr. Rose doesn't qualify

for unemployment because
he's never had a job.

Oh well, didn't he tell you about the job

- he was doing for me?
- No, what job?

You didn't tell her?

No-no, not
specifically, I-I-uh...

Well, that's important
information, Mr. Rose.

You working for Roland
makes you an employee.

- Yes!
- Oh! I forgot.

Well, what were your duties?

Well, I was in more of
a consulting position.

Oh! No, no, no, no, no.

It was not a consulting
position, he was my assistant,

he was like my little guy Friday.

He would fetch things for me,

I'd tell him where to go
and he'd go running off,

and fetching things for me.

What were some of the things you fetched?

- You fetched like uh...
- Coffee.

- Coffee, you'd get that, and um...
- I get his coffee...

- Sometimes you'd have to...
- Get a hankie.

- No, you'd pick up, you know...
- Cleaning, his dry cleaning.

- Yeah, you'd have to do that, and then...
- Just when he didn't have time.

How about these guys down
there, those are boots.

Nothing with the boots,
I don't think there was-

Oh, there was something with the boots.

Polish them every once in a while.

Every now and then, he had to do that, too.

He was a hell of a worker and
I really, really needed him,

because you know how busy I can get.

Yes I do.

Yeah, unfortunately I
had to can his ass though,

because of that whole
"cut the gravy" thing, so.

Oh. Well...

I think we can make this work.

Hey... I come in peace.

What's this?

I don't know, it's a pre shave
follicle mask or something,

I took it from the pile of
product that nobody bought.

Sweet gesture.

I'm sorry for being rude.

You have to understand
that you're the first

nice guy that I've dated.

Lex, I am not always nice.

I just really want my family to like you.

They don't like me?

No, they do! They do, they've just
always seen nice as a sign of weakness,

they take advantage of nice.

No, nice does not always mean weak, it's...

Okay, so get mad, then.

Say something super mean.

What, I can't just turn it on
in an instant, like you can.

Okay well, consider it
a kind of role play then,

and just let it out.

I-I don't know...

I find your brother can be a
little pretentious sometimes.

Yes, yes!

He is so pretentious, and it is so gross.

This is good, keep going.

Well, and your mother...

Seems to be a little uninformed at times.

She's uninformed most of the time.

This is great, this is really good.

Keep going!

Well, and you, what about you?

Are you just going to sit around all day,

while I work and buy you dinners?

You've gotta go out there and get a job...

- Too far.
- Mm-hmm.

- It's too far, okay.
- That's too far.

All right, and there we go.

- Boy, thank you!
- Oh, stop it.

No, no, Roland, I-I owe you big.

Well um, one day, and
that day may never come,

I may call upon you to perform a function.

Marlon Brando!

Yes, but from what movie?

The Godfather.

No, it's the one where
he's the big mafia guy.

The Godfather!

Hold on a second, I'll think of it.

Anyway, I appreciate what you've
done, Roland, I really do, I'm-

Don't you worry about it,
Johnny, I'm happy to do it.

Why don't you just get
me a little wiper fluid,

and we'll call it even, okay?

Okay, wiper fluid, you got it.

And also maybe a Kleenex caddy?

I've always wanted one of those.

That's funny!

It is, but I'm not joking.

All right, one Kleenex
caddy, and wiper fluid.

Roland, you screwed it up!

Roland!

Roland!

Son of a bitch!

Oh Johnny, I told you not
to take 'er on the highway.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Bob,

I guess I took one of those
left turns, and uh, yeah.

Okay, well, let's get 'er hooked up,

get you back to the garage,

and we'll start on the paperwork.

What paperwork?

It's all filled in, you just
have to sign it, and uh...

She's all yours!

I'm not buying this car!

You change your mind?

It broke, twice! It's a broken car!

We'll play a little hardball, okay.

I'll knock twenty bucks off.

You couldn't get twenty bucks for scrap!

Oh!

All right, thirty bucks!

How about zero bucks?!

I wouldn't give you a dime for this!

Johnny, you're killing me here!

Fifty bucks!

Oh, you know what, Bob,
I'm walking. I'm walking!

I'll throw in a couple of floor mats,

but that's my final offer!

Walking!

Hey!

I said bring

the goddamn diaper bag!

Have you seen that couple

that checked in?

They're my cousins.

Oh.

John, you're speaking

at the funeral?

Nothing says we'll miss you

like an excerpt

from Breaking Dawn.