Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Turkey Shoot - full transcript

Don't judge me for what
I'm about to ask you to do.

Come inside, please.

- What're you about to...
- It does not matter. It doesn't matter.

What?

That.

- That's why you called me in here?
- Yeah, look at it!

- I'm looking.
- No! Look at it.

Uh, it looks like a bug...

- Yeah.
- Trapped under a glass.

I Googled that bug. It's
some sort of demonic cricket

that "takes chunks out of
your skin when provoked."



Chunks is the word that Google used.

You Googled a bug?

Yeah. I have a thing about
bugs with milky exoskeletons.

I have this irrational fear they
are gonna crawl into my mouth

and nest at night, so...

So, what do you want me to do, kill it?

No, I think I just need moral support

while I slip a piece of paper
under the glass with the bug

and take the trapped
bug and walk it outside.

Or we could just... kill it.

No, that's not the way to go.
Oh! Oh my God! It's fleeing!

- Whoa, it's fast!
- It's fleeing into the bathroom.

That's why you use the cup method,

because you'd keep it contained!



Now it's just all out!

Well... I guess I don't
even need to be here.

Well, it's h...

Now it's hiding somewhere in the darkness

Waiting for nightfall.

I... I can't... I can't sleep
here. I can't sleep here.

Not with your mouth open anyway.

That's not a nice thing to say to me.

You know, sometimes I forget what
life was like before I knew you.

Okay, bye-bye! Bye. Yup.

'Kay. Hope you catch it!

I can hear it. I can hear it.

What the hell?

Hey! Where's my towel?!

John?

Johnny?! Where's my towel?!

Anyways, I asked this kid to
come to the front of the class

and solve this math equation

and he was "pitching a tent."

- He had a boner!
- Oh.

And then I was thinking, these
are young boys, these poor kids,

and it can't be easy having
a teacher like myself, so...

- Mm...
- What was your question again?

You know, it's been so
long I can't remember.

There you are, John! Where did my towel go?

Moira! Nanaimo bars.

Accidentally doubled the batch
and Roland's on diabetes watch,

so I thought why not share the wealth?

Well, what a lovely gesture, huh, Moira?

John, I had towel and now it's disappeared!

There's a towel on the back of the door.

No, that one has dirt on it!

That's not dirt. I used it to kill a bug.

I'm sorry. I... I guess I'm stressed.

Morning, Jocelyn!

You know, Moira, you ever
need to just go somewhere

to unwind and have some pampering,

I know a great place in Elmdale.

Let's not and say we did.

You know, honey, a little
pampering might not be a bad idea.

Could alleviate some of that
weight your carrying around.

So now I'm fat and stressed?

Emotional weight. Emotional.

John, go find a towel now, please,

or I will strip out of this robe

and I will air dry in the street!

Okay, well, I'm just gonna go home. Sorry.

No, no, no. I didn't
say I didn't want them.

Thank you.

A little pampering. Great idea.

- I think so, yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, Twy.

Um, Twy...

What is in the "Meadow Harvest" smoothie?

Uh... you know, it changes every day.

Just depends on my mood.

But it's all organic, earthy ingredients.

Okay, so it's like fruity or... ?

Yes, it is. Yup. At times.

And then other times, not.

Okay! Well, today, is it more
fruity or more vegetably... ?

No, I don't know.

I've gotta check in the
back and see what we have.

So Meadow Harvest doesn't refer
to anything... in particular.

No, Meadow Harvest is
exactly how it sounds.

It just changes everyday.

Mm... okay. All right.
Well, I'll just um...

Do that that then...
the Meadow Harvest thing.

- Great!
- Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, I just feel like I have to warn you,

what you just ordered is gonna...

Run through you like Niagara Falls.

Excuse me?

Uh, she's a sweet girl but
her smoothies are deadly.

Um, I usually prescribe them to my patients

when they're feeling a little... backed up.

That's a lot of information.

I'm... I'm... I'm
kidding. I'm actually not.

I've absolutely done
that... With her smoothies.

So are you a doctor or... ?

I'm a veterinarian.

Oh! It's basically the same thing.

- Ted.
- Um... Alexis.

I know. Without sounding too forward,

I've seen you around and
uh... You know, I have to say,

I think that you are
the most beautiful girl

this town's ever seen.

What? No.

I'm sure there's like
another girl... somewhere.

No, I mean it.

Yeah.

Well, it's really nice of you to say.

I would love to take you
out to dinner sometime.

- Oh!
- I feel good about this one.

Yeah, it's a little less fruity
but a little more... something.

Mm!

Mm...

Oh my God.

So... about the bug thing.

No explanation necessary.
You've got a thing about bugs.

No, I don't have a thing about bugs.

It was one bug, and that bug was milky.

So... you're a man at one with nature.

Yeah. I could not be
more at one with nature.

I do Coachella every year, so...

Mm. Oh! So you'd be... Into coming with me

on the annual Turkey shoot then.

That's something that should excite you.

What?

- The Turkey shoot?
- Mm.

Roland's annual thing. We
go out and we hunt turkeys.

Been doing it every year since I was
far too young to be holding a gun.

Yeah... yes. Yeah. Let's do that.

I was joking.

I have a strong feeling
that would not be your thing.

And what do think "my thing" is exactly?

High thread count sheets?

Colognes that smell like fireplace...

Okay. Well, it might surprise you to know

that I have more than one thing,

so I will happily go with you on the hunt!

Nothing would make me
more excited than to...

Go hunting for...

- Turkeys.
- Turkeys... with you,

So... is this a tweed or a camo situation?

Okay, did anyone actually see this pillow

come out of this container?

Seriously?! Go. To. Hell!

You're off... you're a fool!

Okay, Moira, why are we doing this?

Why don't we wait for the girl to come in

and help us make the bed?

She never comes, John.

No. Bastard. Bastard!

- Jocelyn! Hi!
- Johnny.

Oh good, you're here, Moira.

I was just booking myself an
appointment with Janine at the salon

and I said to myself, "wow,

Moira really looks like
she needs a pick-me-up,"

so I booked you a Mani too!

Little girls spa day on me.

Wow! What a nice gesture!

May I see a spa treatment menu?

Oh, well, it's just a salon,

so they don't really do
all that kind of stuff.

But she does give a mean scalp massage.

Really mean?

If you requested that, I guess, yeah.

Moira, this sounds too good to pass up.

Please, please do this, for me.

Let me rephrase that.

Do it for you because you deserve...

Yes! My answer's yes, Jocelyn. Thank you.

- Yay!
- Oh, yes.

So, what're you doing tonight?

Making chili. Might do some laundry.

A polite person would now ask me

what I'm doing tonight.

That's what this is about? Sorry.

Um... what're you doing tonight?

Ted's taking me out.

- Ted.
- Mm-hmm. Ted.

I don't know his last name.
The... the, um, doctor.

- The vet?
- Yeah, the doctor.

The animal doctor.

Yeah, we went to high school together.

I think you'd be good for each other.

Do you?

I think he has everything
you're looking for in a husband.

A husband?

What am I looking for in a husband?

Money.

Hmm.

Did you know Richard Gere's
middle name is Tiffany?

So Ted's taking me to Antonio's.

What's Antonio's?

It's this little buffet
restaurant in Elmdale,

but he said that we
could order off the menu.

Are you sure you wanna be
traveling so far out of town

with a person you just met?

I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo,

so... I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine.

So who is this person?

Mm... he's cute.

- And...
- And...

He doesn't have a trust fund,

so, like, that's a refreshing
change of pace for me.

Speaking of people without trust funds,

what about that beardy thing
that you spend time with?

- What? Mutt?
- Yeah.

- No. Ew. It's not a thing.
- Right.

- I'm looking for Alexis.
- Oh, you have a what?

A thing with Alexis tonight?

- Uh, a date.
- I think that's Ted.

Why is he over there?

Because he knows how much I love it when
mom and dad interrogate your boyfriends.

- I wonder what they're asking?
- No, David!

Tell me, Ted, are your
parents still together?

Uh, no. They divorced
when I was in high school.

Oh... alcoholism.

No, I think they just realized that
they were better off as friends.

- Tsk, tsk. Affair. Poor thing.
- Hmm.

Okay. That's enough,
everybody. Thank you so much. Hey!

Hey! Got the wrong room. Hi.

- Yeah, you did. Okay.
- Yeah. Uh...

Hey! I know you!

Yeah, no, Stevie brought you in to see me.

I had the pleasure of treating
your son's panic attack.

So Antonio's buffet, huh?

- So many choices, one little plate.
- Okay, you know what?

Bye, guys. We'll see you in the morning!

"In the morning!" Very funny, Alexis!

Don't even think about
it. Ain't gonna happen.

- Ted, not on the first date.
- Yes, sir.

Don't wanna kill the buzz, but have fun.

Alexis seems to have found
someone to keep her busy.

What about you, David?

I'm gonna go to bed. I have to be up early

I stupidly agreed to go
hunting with Stevie tomorrow.

- Hunting?!
- Yeah.

- Hunting?!
- Yeah.

You said hunting?!

Yeah.

Wow.

- Agh!
- It's me!

- Who is it?
- It's your father!

What're you doing lurking in our bedroom?

I'm not "lurking" in your
room. Your alarm is going off,

you're not turning off your alarm!

Shoot!

You know, I'm telling you, I... I... I...

I'm not comfortable with you going hunting.

I don't feel comfortable with it either!

End. This. Now. Thank you.

- All right, just be careful please!
- Okay. Thanks.

You and your nightgown can
tippy-toe back to bed. I'm late.

You ever killed before?

Have I ever killed before? No.

Elton John used to have an annual
hunt at his place in Windsor,

but that was more about the lunch.

Turkey virgin!

Does this come in a slimmer cut?

Here. You can take this one.

It has a scope so you can see the head.

Okay!
Gather round, my shooters.

Bob has a little prayer
here he'd like to offer up.

Just a little convo with the
big man upstairs for a second.

It happens every year.

Our God, in these times of need,

our light in these times of darkness...

- David, do you wanna...
- Oh.

So is it, like, a small town thing

to end the first date
with a kiss on the cheek?

What?

Nothing.

What?! It's not like it
was a bad date or anything.

Well, it sounds like things got crazy.

Yeah! I actually introduced him to Beyonce

on the car ride on the way
home, so that was very special.

It's just, if the date's a success with me,

I'll let you know it.

Okay...

I mean, he might as well
have shaken your hand.

Well, he did that too.

- Hey!
- Hey!

I thought that you could
use a proper smoothie!

Well, lucky for you,
we're just finishing up.

Uh, hey, Mutt. Do you want a ride?

- I'm good.
- Are you sure? It's a long walk.

I like walking.

Suit yourself, bud.

So you don't mind wrapping up?

Bye!

So how are your bowels? Good and tight?

Yes. Thank you for the concern.

Well, I just wanna make sure
you got the stomach for this

'cause you, you kinda seem like
an indoors-y sort of guy to me.

You know, delicate. Fragile. Scrimpy.

Thank you.

Okay, get down.

Have you ever held a gun before?

Uh, yeah, but it wasn't this... heavy,

which makes me think that
Elton's was actually a toy.

All right, you gotta...

Treat it like it's a newborn baby.

Have to admit, not into babies

so it's kind of a guessing game for me.

Oh, you got soft hands.

Okay, thank you. Thanks.

You don't have to do this.

Do what? Have fun?

Smell like manure? Get called "scrimpy"?

Who wouldn't wanna sign up for this?

Yeah.

Oh, uh, Jocelyn, would you grab us a table

while I speak with my husband, please.

Well, he should join us!
And... between you and me,

people are noticing you!

Excuse me, cowboy, have
you seen my husband?

Oh my God. Oh, oh, oh...

Look at you. Boy, you look like...

Who? Who do I look like?

I wanna say Tanya Harding.

Do you? How about... ?

- Jocelyn!
- Mm-hmm.

Oh my God, that's right! Why Jocelyn?

Because everyone who
comes out of that salon

looks just like Jocelyn.

Wow! And is that you? Is that your... wig?

No, it's a dead possum.
Yes, it's a wig, John.

Is she still looking at us?

Yes, she is. Yes. So what happened?

I can't believe you're wearing this.

This is what I get for being nice, John.

I'm doing this for Jocelyn
because she paid for it,

and it was her "little treat,"

and I didn't have the
heart to rip it off my head

much less torch it.

So, now, until I get in the shower,

I'm stuck looking like every other inmate

in this godforsaken prison.

She's coming over. I just told a joke.

You did? You did!

What do you think of your beautiful wife?

Well, which... beautiful wife
are we talking about here, huh?

Oh...

Well, I can't tell you
how freeing it is, Jocelyn,

to... to try something new like this. 'Tis.

I mean, of course, as an actress,

I can imagine what kind
of sad character might...

But not necessarily.

Sad?! You think this is a sad look?

No! No.

Not the look. No, Jocelyn,

I'm talking about the inner sadness

that would come from...
From living in such a...

We have to get drinks. Several drinks,

don't you think? Let's celebrate!

- Let's... celebrate drinking!
- Okay.

Okay, David,

it's all yours. Aim for the face.

It's looking at me.

That's it. You're locked
in. It's just you and him.

Okay...

Just point and shoot, David.

Hard to do when you're talking, Bob.

There's no one talking now.

- Bob, you're talking.
- What?

- Stop talking!
- Too much talking!

Shoot the bird, David! Shoot it!

Ronnie honestly, if you're
not gonna shoot it, I...

- And... in the neck.
- It's still moving.

Just let it bleed out.

You okay?

I feel like one of the Manson girls.

First time's tough.

Even tougher when you shoot it in the neck

'cause then it takes longer to die.

Okay, not helping, Ronnie.

So, now what? Do we just...

Wait until its Turkey family
comes and shoot them too?

Hey, I think I see them.

No, no.

Yes! Heard you.

- Jocelyn! Hi.
- Hi.

I just wanted to say how fun it
was to spend the day with you.

Oh, Jocelyn, 'tis I who
owes you a big thank you.

I also wanted to apologize
for Janine ruining your wig.

No, don't be silly. I was...

I was about to... Find a shower cap.

I know you hate your hair, Moira.

Almost as much as you hate this town.

But there's a possibility you could be here

a really long time.

May I offer you something?

The people here are
just trying to help you,

and there'll be days when
your wigs need conditioning...

Or one of your fashion-y
blouses shrinks in the dryer,

and you'll have to go to Janine's
or get a shirt at the Blouse Barn,

just like the rest of us.

And I would hate for that
day to catch you by surprise.

I don't hate this town, Jocelyn.

It's just not mine,
and this is not my hair.

I know. It's a wig.

It's not my style.

You? On you, it's adorable.

You have a look that
says, "Hi. I'm Jocelyn,

and I know who I am!"

For that, you're very fortunate. You are.

I don't who I am from
one moment to the next.

So honestly, dear, I envy you, all right?

But if you ever... Ever catch me shopping

at the Blouse Barn,

you must shoot me in the temple.

Promise?

Promise.

My son is hunting right
now with your husband,

so I... I know you people have guns.

What about what we just
did makes you think,

"yeah, you know what? I wanna
do this year after year after year"?

Was it the lying in the mud part

or was it... Wearing the clothes

That smell like menthol
cigarettes and body odor?

'cause usually it's more fun.

Usually Ray comes and... gets wasted and...

Spends the whole day
singing Carole King ballads.

David, I...

Need a towel, please.

Is that a new wig? Because...

You are reminding me of someone.

Towel, please.

I need my towels. Uh,
what... who did this to you?!

You went to Janine's.

Yes. Jocelyn took me to...

Jocelyn! You look like Jocelyn!

Jocelyn. And what's your excuse?

Oh, um... I shot a bird in the neck today.

It was an indelible image
that I had scarred in my mind

until I saw what was...
Happening up there with you.

So... thank you.

I'm gonna get your towel.