Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Wine and Roses - full transcript
Johnny's latest networking attempt to make money yields a call back only from Herb Ertlinger, the owner of the local business, Herb Ertlinger Fruit Wines. However, Herb's want is not for Johnny's help in distribution as Johnny assumed, but Moira to become the company spokesperson in a series of commercials. Despite detesting the wine itself, Moira agrees as she sees it as being her acting comeback vehicle. Meanwhile, David believes, since he has not been able to sleep since arriving in Schitt's Creek, that he is suffering from some major malady, which is made all the more distressing when he learns there is no hospital in town. What he does learn from the local "doctor" Ted Mullens is that he is having a panic attack, which he and Alexis always believed was something made-up by celebrities. Regardless, David takes measures to overcome his affliction. And Alexis is still doing community service work with Mutt. A couple of subsequent situations allow Alexis to get up close and personal with Mutt, while the same happens for David and an unexpected townsperson.
Hey, Moira, could you
turn that down, please?
Important call coming through.
Stevie says it's the guy
from the winery.
Mmm...
Hello, Johnny Rose.
Hello? Hello?
Ah!
Stevie?
- I put it through!
- Okay.
- Who is it?
- Herb Ertlinger.
- Excuse me?
- Herb Ertlinger from the winery.
He's the only guy that's gotten
back to me on my proposal,
and now, the...
Hi! Hello!
There's something wrong
with the phones!
John,
have her patch it through to the kids' room.
Yeah, patch it through
to the kids' room!
Okay!
Very good suggestion!
Kids!
David, answer the phone!
He has his headphones in.
He can't hear it.
- Then you answer it!
- Okay!
Hello?
Alexis, could you open the door, please?
I'll take it.
No, sorry, you have the wrong room.
He's actually in room six.
Alexis,
unlock the door please!
Okay! No problem. Bye.
He's gonna call you back
in your room!
No!
Hello?
Can you get a heart murmur
from a lack of sleep?
Because I have not slept
since we've got here,
and I think my body
is shutting down.
Well, I hate to admit it,
but I actually know
very little about
heart murmurs.
Well, I have one.
Uh, the pulse
is very irregular.
Honestly, David, I have tried to
find my pulse like a thousand times.
And nothing.
- So, don't worry about it.
- No, this is very serious!
My heart has not rested
in a long time,
my immune system is very low,
I have not been able
to find kale anywhere here...
How long are we going
to be talking about you for?
I think I'm having
a heart attack,
- is what's happening!
- David, you are like 34.
I'm basically 29.
Oh, my God.
You are overreacting.
I think you're gonna
feel very guilty
when I slip into a coma
and you have to come visit me
in the hospital at hospice.
Well, I'm gonna go for a jog,
so don't die until I get back.
Well, how long
are you going for?
Um, I don't really know.
How long are you gonna be like this for?
- Don't be a little "B"...
- Bye!
...when I'm in this state!
Now, it's fruit wine,
which is exciting in itself.
But the thing we're most
proud of is that our fruit
is 100% insecticide free.
- Ah!
- Mmm... Mmm!
There's something in mine.
Oh, that's a ladybug.
That's one of the good ones.
Excuse me.
Herb Ertlinger.
No, this tastes
like something
one should not
put in their mouth.
It's fruit wine.
Whoever heard of fruit wine?
Doesn't matter,
it's a business.
I'll make it work.
It's next to a landfill, John.
He said, "Former landfill."
Sorry. I was looking into
a new sprayer.
And I brought you this,
it's our Cabernet Merlot
Petit Grenache.
Sounds delightfully busy.
You know, Herb, if you need
any help with distribution,
I have extensive contacts
in that area.
Or if it's
operations management...
Johnny, while I
appreciate that offer,
- it's actually not your help I'm looking for.
- Oh.
No. It's you, Moira.
We were hoping that you
will be the spokesperson
for Herb Ertlinger
Fruit Wines.
I... I don't understand.
My wife and I were such
big fans of Sunrise Bay.
And we would be
honored to have you
do just a few commercials
to promote our wine.
That is, of course,
if you like it.
Like it? It's fruit wine.
What's not to like?
So, an hour ago, I thought
I was having a heart attack.
- Oh, no!
- Yup, yup, yup...
- Um, but I'm not.
- Oh. Phew!
According to Web MD,
I'm having a pulmonary embolism,
which is much, much worse.
Well, you look good.
That's just the way I look.
I need you to take me
to a hospital right now.
Yeah, the only hospital's
in Elmdale.
You're telling me
there's no doctor around here?
People just drop dead in the
streets out of sheer neglect?
Uh, well, there is
technically a doctor.
Then, please take me
to that doctor right now.
I'm just not sleeping.
And I think there's a lack of
oxygen getting to my heart,
because I'm feeling
very suffocated.
Okay, right.
Well, if it is a heart attack,
we're way too far away
from the nearest hospital
for you to make it
through the night.
- What?
- Kidding.
Take a deep breath for me?
Good. Now, have you been around
any feces in the past two days?
- I don't...
- So, no.
- No.
- Okay. Well, the good thing is
I don't think that you need
an ambulance, David,
because what I think
is happening here
is you're having
a panic attack.
Oh, no, those aren't real.
Those are a PR spin
for celebrity publicists.
Trust me,
I've known enough celebrities.
No, it's absolutely
a real thing.
Tell me, have you had
any experiences lately
that have caused you
stress or anxiety?
Uh, well, I went from living in a
2500 square foot Soho live-workspace
to a motel room
with my sister.
Wow!
That'll do it.
"Hello, I'm Moira Rose
for Herb..."
"Oh, hi! I'm Moira Rose
for Herb Ertlinger Wines,
"inviting you to try
our latest offering,
"a fruity Cab Franc
we call..."
"We call Herb Ertlinger's
fruity Cab..."
Oh, no. No, no, no. No good.
"Smokey tannins infuse this rich
blend with a plummy bouquet."
"Plummy bouquet?"
Is this guy for real?
His turns of phrase
leave much to be desired,
but the wine is potable.
You called it "liquid stink"
this morning.
The whites seem less stinky.
And how about this tote bag?
Two-ply toilet paper
has more heft.
I'm sensing negativity, John.
Is this because he did not
take you up on your offer?
Are you kidding me?
Come on!
Hey, I haven't even
given that guy
a second's thought
since I got home.
I was doing him a favor,
that's all.
I don't want him
tarnishing your reputation.
I mean, have you read the literature?
Look at this.
"The maximum benefit of
the peach-afication process."
"Peach-afication"!
Who uses a word like "peach-afication"?
A moron would use that.
That "moron" is
the first moron to offer me
an acting role
in a very long time.
Well, he's lucky to have you.
John, this commercial,
in the right hands, could be...
I don't want to use the word
"comeback,"
that's... I don't wanna
jinx it, but...
John,
no one knows the business better than you do.
Oh, honey, I'm just the money
behind the scenes.
Not that I don't have a few company
commercials under my belt, but...
If you want me
in your corner, I'm there.
Oh, John.
Thank you.
- I'll do what I can.
- Thank you.
But seriously,
how cheap-ass is that bag?
Ew! Ew! Ew!
You have to open your eyes
to get it in the bag!
- Good. Argh!
- So, can I ask you a question?
Why do you always
get dressed up to do this?
I mean, it doesn't seem
very practical.
Naomi Campbell wore
Dolce & Gabbana couture
to her community service.
And just because she was
picking up roadkill
did not mean that
she needed to look like it.
And I just always really
admired her courage.
Um, I didn't understand
a word you just said.
Besides, it's nice to change your
clothes every once in a while.
Something you might wanna
consider doing at some point.
I change my clothes.
- They're just all the same.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Oh!
Well, at least now
they'll get washed.
Come on! Run!
What? It's actually
nice in here.
Well, I'm not Valentino,
but you know...
Okay, well, don't try
and be funny about it.
It just happens naturally.
It's just that, um...
When a guy can pack his whole
wardrobe into an overnight bag,
you just don't really think that he'd
be much of an interior designer.
Don't worry, they're fresh.
They're clean.
Hmm.
Ooh! Smell that rock-beaten
freshness.
What?
It's just I do beat
my laundry against rocks.
You're a freak.
What kind of lens
are we using here?
It's a
zoom lens.
"Oh, zoom."
Good, good, good...
- Yup, yeah.
- Any primes?
Any primes? Using any primes?
Nah. Those are usually
for feature films.
Yeah. Yeah. No, it's just I...
What's the ring light
situation?
Do you think we need an inky?
- I don't know, I don't know...
- I...
Are we booming this today?
- Ew!
- Shh!
Why is it dark?
- It's like a witch's house in here, David.
- Shush!
What's going on?
I am on day two of a panic attack,
and I have not slept at all.
Babe, you know that panic
attacks aren't real, right?
They're just things that celebrities
make up to make themselves...
No, I know. I thought so, too.
But they are real,
and I'm having one apparently.
Okay. Okay.
Well, while you were having
your "panic attack,"
I somehow agreed
to attend a yoga class.
That might be
a good thing for me.
Okay, well,
I'm not gonna go, though.
That might help me relax,
might help me calm down.
David, I just said
I'm not gonna go.
I don't wanna have
to bring this up.
But it's my turn
to take a selfish.
- No, David...
- Yes, it is.
- You selfished last time.
- No.
Dubai, 2010,
I had to pick you up from that blind date
that went terribly wrong.
It was a total disaster.
It's my turn,
and I wanna go
to a yoga class.
Fine, I will go,
but I am not happy
about this at all.
Okay. Get off my bed.
Ouch! David. Ouch! David!
- Argh!
- Shut the curtains!
Oh, some people like
to exaggerate,
especially in our business.
I dunno. A lot of people
on set were saying it.
He's making people nervous.
"I don't care what others say."
That's today's mantra.
- You look awesome!
- Oh.
- Hey! There she is!
- Hi!
There's my TV star.
Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi!
- Nervous?
- No, I'm good.
- Good! Don't want you nervous.
- No.
- Is that the outfit you're wearing?
- Yes. That's the one you and I chose together.
- Oh!
It looks a little less
flattering in the daylight.
- Johnny!
- No. I'm just saying,
if there's another outfit...
- No! There's no second choice.
- Really?
- No.
- I don't know...
- Cheese tray.
- Whoa, whoa, Cubby.
What's this?
Who ordered cheese?
- I asked for cheese.
- Oh, no, no. No cheese.
I don't think
that's a good idea.
What about the melon?
You ordered melon?
- No, I didn't.
- No? Well, let's see...
You know what?
Looks a little soft.
Why don't we 86 that plate?
- Johnny? Johnny?
- Thanks, pal. Yeah?
- Crystal, do you mind...
- Yeah. Hey, Crystal.
- ...if I speak to my husband.
- Hey.
Yeah... Listen. The script,
I wanna make a few line...
No! John, no more changes.
I was wondering if
it might be better if you...
...just directed. Just directed?
Believe me, I tried.
That didn't fly.
No. Went home.
- Went home?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Why?
- Because you're making me nervous.
And, apparently,
you're making everyone nervous.
No, no, no.
Honey, I'm just trying to help.
I'm just trying to be in...
I'm just watching your back.
I know, John.
You're so good at trying.
Now, I'm gonna call you
as soon as I'm done.
- Crystal?
- Yeah?
Yeah, sure.
Well, I can just, uh...
Yeah, I'll just go home.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- All right.
- Bye.
All right. Have a good shoot!
- You look good.
- No, keep working, please.
Oh!
- Okay, I don't think I can do this.
- There's a lot of people here.
Hey! You guys made it!
Amazing!
It's a pairs class,
so partner up.
- Okay. Well, I'm not touching you.
- Well, I'm not touching you.
- David, hon.
- Oh!
- Come join me.
- Oh, Jocelyn...
Normally,
I do this with Roland,
- but he had a bad burrito. So, he's MIA.
- Oh!
Trust me, that's good news
for everybody.
I'm sure it is.
And Alexis, you can join Mutt.
Okay.
This is gonna be good for you.
Just relax.
- Okay. All right.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Ted told me
all about your...
Nervous breakdown.
- My what?
- I was at the cafe.
He didn't mention any names,
but when he said it was someone precious,
I knew.
- Slating!
- Somehow...
Remember to smile.
- All right, get out of there, ladies!
- Thank you.
And, action!
Hello, I'm Moira Rose.
And if you like fruit wine
as much as I do,
discover a winery that pours care
and craftsmanship into every glace.
I'm sorry!
I wanted to say "glass,"
but I was thinking "case."
That was great.
Loved it. Uh...
Same energy. Back to one.
Still rolling.
Check your teeth. Yeah.
Outta there, ladies.
Still rolling.
And when you're ready...
Hold on, hold on, hold on!
Action.
Hello, I'm Moira Rose,
and if you enjoy flute line
as much as I...
What?
- Uh, you said "flute line."
- Oh.
That is funny.
No problem. Back to ones.
And when you're ready...
Action!
Hello, I'm Moina Rose,
and if you...
Okay, back to ones.
Still rolling.
- Why? Why?
- You said "Moina."
- You sure did.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Yeah, it's cool.
- I'm good.
- It's great. All right.
- Please, I'm good.
Get outta there, ladies.
- Please, yes.
And... When you're ready,
action!
Action.
Action?
Well, thanks for the lift,
Thomas.
You got it, Mr. Rose.
Yeah, we're talking to her now.
Where'd she go?
Apparently,
she just locked herself in the bathroom.
He's gonna pull the plug on the whole thing,
unless, and I quote,
"That fucking bitch gets her
fucking ass out of the trailer."
Maybe I should get back
in the car?
I'm guessing, yes.
Rolling the shoulders
back and down. Lengthen...
It's just all these feelings of displacement,
you know? Like, I've...
- Yeah...
- I think I'm just having a very hard time
- adjusting to the overall aesthetic of the town.
- Mmm-hmm.
And it's just running through
my head and I've been...
Yeah, lots of talking.
Lots of emoting.
That's good, David. Yeah.
Um, have you tried sex?
- Excuse me?
- Sex puts me right to sleep.
- You should have lots and lots of sex.
- Oh...
Now,
with your partner's help,
send your hips to
the back of the barn.
And, partners,
roll your biceps out and up,
guiding the hips
wide and back.
- Is everyone doing this?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Um, how's your back?
- It's good.
I mean, normally,
it's a little tight, but...
Yeah, it is... I mean,
I haven't noticed.
I have noticed. I haven't...
I haven't "noticed" noticed, so...
How are we doing here?
- Good. Super good.
Um, this is a very challenging
- yoga class, Twyla.
- Thank you.
Thanks! Yeah, so just
hold Mutt's lower back, here,
just to support him.
- Okay.
- Good.
Now, feel the inner edge
of the thigh.
- Let's bring it down... Oh, no!
- Oh!
Mutt should support
his own thigh.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay. Yeah.
Wow, I'm so sorry.
Moira? It's me.
Hi!
You okay?
Yeah... I blew it, Johnny.
I blew it big time.
- Let me in, sweetheart.
- Oh, I don't know how.
There's a knob on the door.
No, I mean I don't know
how to do this anymore!
I'm no good!
How did you open the door?
I threw a shoe.
This wine is awful!
Get me another glass.
Well, I think maybe we've had
enough wine, sweetheart.
I can't feel my tongue.
But I know it's there,
because I'm talking.
Moira, you should hear what they're
saying about you out there.
- You are doing great.
- No.
No, John, I ruined it.
I ruined everything.
- No! No, you didn't.
- I did!
No, sweetheart, I ruined everything.
I ruined it.
You did.
Why did you ruin everything?
Okay. Well, let's not focus
on me right now.
The important thing is,
you've gotta get back up
and you've gotta
get out there.
I can't.
- Can't.
- You can, Moira!
Remember Sunrise Bay?
You were drunk
most of season three...
And half of season four...
End of season five.
I'll have to take
your word for it.
Did I used to have
a drinking problem?
The point is,
you can do this, Moira.
You're radiant.
You're beguiling.
Mmm.
You were daytime
television's brightest star!
All you have to do
is go out there and shine.
I'm gonna.
I'm gonna fuckin' nail it.
Okay.
And on a big inhale,
identify any tension
you may be holding.
And on a big exhale,
breathe it out.
I burnt my sausage casserole.
I'm pretty sure
I'm really lonely here.
Now, with one partner
on the ground,
the other comes into
a downward dog
with hands on your
partner's ankles.
In the lee
of a picturesque ridge
lies a small,
unpretentious winery,
one that pampers
its fruit like its own babies.
Hi! I'm Moira Rose,
and if you love fruit wine
as much as I do,
then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship
and quality of a local vintner
who brings the
musk melon goodness
to his oak Chardonnay,
and the dazzling
peach cral-bapple
to his Riesling Rioja.
Come taste the difference good
fruit can make in your wine.
You'll remember
the experience,
and you'll remember
the name.
Herb Erflin-ger.
Burt Herngeif.
Irv Herb-blinger.
Bing Livehaanger.
Liveling. Burt herkurn.
Burt...
Bingo Ling-fucker!
turn that down, please?
Important call coming through.
Stevie says it's the guy
from the winery.
Mmm...
Hello, Johnny Rose.
Hello? Hello?
Ah!
Stevie?
- I put it through!
- Okay.
- Who is it?
- Herb Ertlinger.
- Excuse me?
- Herb Ertlinger from the winery.
He's the only guy that's gotten
back to me on my proposal,
and now, the...
Hi! Hello!
There's something wrong
with the phones!
John,
have her patch it through to the kids' room.
Yeah, patch it through
to the kids' room!
Okay!
Very good suggestion!
Kids!
David, answer the phone!
He has his headphones in.
He can't hear it.
- Then you answer it!
- Okay!
Hello?
Alexis, could you open the door, please?
I'll take it.
No, sorry, you have the wrong room.
He's actually in room six.
Alexis,
unlock the door please!
Okay! No problem. Bye.
He's gonna call you back
in your room!
No!
Hello?
Can you get a heart murmur
from a lack of sleep?
Because I have not slept
since we've got here,
and I think my body
is shutting down.
Well, I hate to admit it,
but I actually know
very little about
heart murmurs.
Well, I have one.
Uh, the pulse
is very irregular.
Honestly, David, I have tried to
find my pulse like a thousand times.
And nothing.
- So, don't worry about it.
- No, this is very serious!
My heart has not rested
in a long time,
my immune system is very low,
I have not been able
to find kale anywhere here...
How long are we going
to be talking about you for?
I think I'm having
a heart attack,
- is what's happening!
- David, you are like 34.
I'm basically 29.
Oh, my God.
You are overreacting.
I think you're gonna
feel very guilty
when I slip into a coma
and you have to come visit me
in the hospital at hospice.
Well, I'm gonna go for a jog,
so don't die until I get back.
Well, how long
are you going for?
Um, I don't really know.
How long are you gonna be like this for?
- Don't be a little "B"...
- Bye!
...when I'm in this state!
Now, it's fruit wine,
which is exciting in itself.
But the thing we're most
proud of is that our fruit
is 100% insecticide free.
- Ah!
- Mmm... Mmm!
There's something in mine.
Oh, that's a ladybug.
That's one of the good ones.
Excuse me.
Herb Ertlinger.
No, this tastes
like something
one should not
put in their mouth.
It's fruit wine.
Whoever heard of fruit wine?
Doesn't matter,
it's a business.
I'll make it work.
It's next to a landfill, John.
He said, "Former landfill."
Sorry. I was looking into
a new sprayer.
And I brought you this,
it's our Cabernet Merlot
Petit Grenache.
Sounds delightfully busy.
You know, Herb, if you need
any help with distribution,
I have extensive contacts
in that area.
Or if it's
operations management...
Johnny, while I
appreciate that offer,
- it's actually not your help I'm looking for.
- Oh.
No. It's you, Moira.
We were hoping that you
will be the spokesperson
for Herb Ertlinger
Fruit Wines.
I... I don't understand.
My wife and I were such
big fans of Sunrise Bay.
And we would be
honored to have you
do just a few commercials
to promote our wine.
That is, of course,
if you like it.
Like it? It's fruit wine.
What's not to like?
So, an hour ago, I thought
I was having a heart attack.
- Oh, no!
- Yup, yup, yup...
- Um, but I'm not.
- Oh. Phew!
According to Web MD,
I'm having a pulmonary embolism,
which is much, much worse.
Well, you look good.
That's just the way I look.
I need you to take me
to a hospital right now.
Yeah, the only hospital's
in Elmdale.
You're telling me
there's no doctor around here?
People just drop dead in the
streets out of sheer neglect?
Uh, well, there is
technically a doctor.
Then, please take me
to that doctor right now.
I'm just not sleeping.
And I think there's a lack of
oxygen getting to my heart,
because I'm feeling
very suffocated.
Okay, right.
Well, if it is a heart attack,
we're way too far away
from the nearest hospital
for you to make it
through the night.
- What?
- Kidding.
Take a deep breath for me?
Good. Now, have you been around
any feces in the past two days?
- I don't...
- So, no.
- No.
- Okay. Well, the good thing is
I don't think that you need
an ambulance, David,
because what I think
is happening here
is you're having
a panic attack.
Oh, no, those aren't real.
Those are a PR spin
for celebrity publicists.
Trust me,
I've known enough celebrities.
No, it's absolutely
a real thing.
Tell me, have you had
any experiences lately
that have caused you
stress or anxiety?
Uh, well, I went from living in a
2500 square foot Soho live-workspace
to a motel room
with my sister.
Wow!
That'll do it.
"Hello, I'm Moira Rose
for Herb..."
"Oh, hi! I'm Moira Rose
for Herb Ertlinger Wines,
"inviting you to try
our latest offering,
"a fruity Cab Franc
we call..."
"We call Herb Ertlinger's
fruity Cab..."
Oh, no. No, no, no. No good.
"Smokey tannins infuse this rich
blend with a plummy bouquet."
"Plummy bouquet?"
Is this guy for real?
His turns of phrase
leave much to be desired,
but the wine is potable.
You called it "liquid stink"
this morning.
The whites seem less stinky.
And how about this tote bag?
Two-ply toilet paper
has more heft.
I'm sensing negativity, John.
Is this because he did not
take you up on your offer?
Are you kidding me?
Come on!
Hey, I haven't even
given that guy
a second's thought
since I got home.
I was doing him a favor,
that's all.
I don't want him
tarnishing your reputation.
I mean, have you read the literature?
Look at this.
"The maximum benefit of
the peach-afication process."
"Peach-afication"!
Who uses a word like "peach-afication"?
A moron would use that.
That "moron" is
the first moron to offer me
an acting role
in a very long time.
Well, he's lucky to have you.
John, this commercial,
in the right hands, could be...
I don't want to use the word
"comeback,"
that's... I don't wanna
jinx it, but...
John,
no one knows the business better than you do.
Oh, honey, I'm just the money
behind the scenes.
Not that I don't have a few company
commercials under my belt, but...
If you want me
in your corner, I'm there.
Oh, John.
Thank you.
- I'll do what I can.
- Thank you.
But seriously,
how cheap-ass is that bag?
Ew! Ew! Ew!
You have to open your eyes
to get it in the bag!
- Good. Argh!
- So, can I ask you a question?
Why do you always
get dressed up to do this?
I mean, it doesn't seem
very practical.
Naomi Campbell wore
Dolce & Gabbana couture
to her community service.
And just because she was
picking up roadkill
did not mean that
she needed to look like it.
And I just always really
admired her courage.
Um, I didn't understand
a word you just said.
Besides, it's nice to change your
clothes every once in a while.
Something you might wanna
consider doing at some point.
I change my clothes.
- They're just all the same.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Oh!
Well, at least now
they'll get washed.
Come on! Run!
What? It's actually
nice in here.
Well, I'm not Valentino,
but you know...
Okay, well, don't try
and be funny about it.
It just happens naturally.
It's just that, um...
When a guy can pack his whole
wardrobe into an overnight bag,
you just don't really think that he'd
be much of an interior designer.
Don't worry, they're fresh.
They're clean.
Hmm.
Ooh! Smell that rock-beaten
freshness.
What?
It's just I do beat
my laundry against rocks.
You're a freak.
What kind of lens
are we using here?
It's a
zoom lens.
"Oh, zoom."
Good, good, good...
- Yup, yeah.
- Any primes?
Any primes? Using any primes?
Nah. Those are usually
for feature films.
Yeah. Yeah. No, it's just I...
What's the ring light
situation?
Do you think we need an inky?
- I don't know, I don't know...
- I...
Are we booming this today?
- Ew!
- Shh!
Why is it dark?
- It's like a witch's house in here, David.
- Shush!
What's going on?
I am on day two of a panic attack,
and I have not slept at all.
Babe, you know that panic
attacks aren't real, right?
They're just things that celebrities
make up to make themselves...
No, I know. I thought so, too.
But they are real,
and I'm having one apparently.
Okay. Okay.
Well, while you were having
your "panic attack,"
I somehow agreed
to attend a yoga class.
That might be
a good thing for me.
Okay, well,
I'm not gonna go, though.
That might help me relax,
might help me calm down.
David, I just said
I'm not gonna go.
I don't wanna have
to bring this up.
But it's my turn
to take a selfish.
- No, David...
- Yes, it is.
- You selfished last time.
- No.
Dubai, 2010,
I had to pick you up from that blind date
that went terribly wrong.
It was a total disaster.
It's my turn,
and I wanna go
to a yoga class.
Fine, I will go,
but I am not happy
about this at all.
Okay. Get off my bed.
Ouch! David. Ouch! David!
- Argh!
- Shut the curtains!
Oh, some people like
to exaggerate,
especially in our business.
I dunno. A lot of people
on set were saying it.
He's making people nervous.
"I don't care what others say."
That's today's mantra.
- You look awesome!
- Oh.
- Hey! There she is!
- Hi!
There's my TV star.
Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi!
- Nervous?
- No, I'm good.
- Good! Don't want you nervous.
- No.
- Is that the outfit you're wearing?
- Yes. That's the one you and I chose together.
- Oh!
It looks a little less
flattering in the daylight.
- Johnny!
- No. I'm just saying,
if there's another outfit...
- No! There's no second choice.
- Really?
- No.
- I don't know...
- Cheese tray.
- Whoa, whoa, Cubby.
What's this?
Who ordered cheese?
- I asked for cheese.
- Oh, no, no. No cheese.
I don't think
that's a good idea.
What about the melon?
You ordered melon?
- No, I didn't.
- No? Well, let's see...
You know what?
Looks a little soft.
Why don't we 86 that plate?
- Johnny? Johnny?
- Thanks, pal. Yeah?
- Crystal, do you mind...
- Yeah. Hey, Crystal.
- ...if I speak to my husband.
- Hey.
Yeah... Listen. The script,
I wanna make a few line...
No! John, no more changes.
I was wondering if
it might be better if you...
...just directed. Just directed?
Believe me, I tried.
That didn't fly.
No. Went home.
- Went home?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Why?
- Because you're making me nervous.
And, apparently,
you're making everyone nervous.
No, no, no.
Honey, I'm just trying to help.
I'm just trying to be in...
I'm just watching your back.
I know, John.
You're so good at trying.
Now, I'm gonna call you
as soon as I'm done.
- Crystal?
- Yeah?
Yeah, sure.
Well, I can just, uh...
Yeah, I'll just go home.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- All right.
- Bye.
All right. Have a good shoot!
- You look good.
- No, keep working, please.
Oh!
- Okay, I don't think I can do this.
- There's a lot of people here.
Hey! You guys made it!
Amazing!
It's a pairs class,
so partner up.
- Okay. Well, I'm not touching you.
- Well, I'm not touching you.
- David, hon.
- Oh!
- Come join me.
- Oh, Jocelyn...
Normally,
I do this with Roland,
- but he had a bad burrito. So, he's MIA.
- Oh!
Trust me, that's good news
for everybody.
I'm sure it is.
And Alexis, you can join Mutt.
Okay.
This is gonna be good for you.
Just relax.
- Okay. All right.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Ted told me
all about your...
Nervous breakdown.
- My what?
- I was at the cafe.
He didn't mention any names,
but when he said it was someone precious,
I knew.
- Slating!
- Somehow...
Remember to smile.
- All right, get out of there, ladies!
- Thank you.
And, action!
Hello, I'm Moira Rose.
And if you like fruit wine
as much as I do,
discover a winery that pours care
and craftsmanship into every glace.
I'm sorry!
I wanted to say "glass,"
but I was thinking "case."
That was great.
Loved it. Uh...
Same energy. Back to one.
Still rolling.
Check your teeth. Yeah.
Outta there, ladies.
Still rolling.
And when you're ready...
Hold on, hold on, hold on!
Action.
Hello, I'm Moira Rose,
and if you enjoy flute line
as much as I...
What?
- Uh, you said "flute line."
- Oh.
That is funny.
No problem. Back to ones.
And when you're ready...
Action!
Hello, I'm Moina Rose,
and if you...
Okay, back to ones.
Still rolling.
- Why? Why?
- You said "Moina."
- You sure did.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Yeah, it's cool.
- I'm good.
- It's great. All right.
- Please, I'm good.
Get outta there, ladies.
- Please, yes.
And... When you're ready,
action!
Action.
Action?
Well, thanks for the lift,
Thomas.
You got it, Mr. Rose.
Yeah, we're talking to her now.
Where'd she go?
Apparently,
she just locked herself in the bathroom.
He's gonna pull the plug on the whole thing,
unless, and I quote,
"That fucking bitch gets her
fucking ass out of the trailer."
Maybe I should get back
in the car?
I'm guessing, yes.
Rolling the shoulders
back and down. Lengthen...
It's just all these feelings of displacement,
you know? Like, I've...
- Yeah...
- I think I'm just having a very hard time
- adjusting to the overall aesthetic of the town.
- Mmm-hmm.
And it's just running through
my head and I've been...
Yeah, lots of talking.
Lots of emoting.
That's good, David. Yeah.
Um, have you tried sex?
- Excuse me?
- Sex puts me right to sleep.
- You should have lots and lots of sex.
- Oh...
Now,
with your partner's help,
send your hips to
the back of the barn.
And, partners,
roll your biceps out and up,
guiding the hips
wide and back.
- Is everyone doing this?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Um, how's your back?
- It's good.
I mean, normally,
it's a little tight, but...
Yeah, it is... I mean,
I haven't noticed.
I have noticed. I haven't...
I haven't "noticed" noticed, so...
How are we doing here?
- Good. Super good.
Um, this is a very challenging
- yoga class, Twyla.
- Thank you.
Thanks! Yeah, so just
hold Mutt's lower back, here,
just to support him.
- Okay.
- Good.
Now, feel the inner edge
of the thigh.
- Let's bring it down... Oh, no!
- Oh!
Mutt should support
his own thigh.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay. Yeah.
Wow, I'm so sorry.
Moira? It's me.
Hi!
You okay?
Yeah... I blew it, Johnny.
I blew it big time.
- Let me in, sweetheart.
- Oh, I don't know how.
There's a knob on the door.
No, I mean I don't know
how to do this anymore!
I'm no good!
How did you open the door?
I threw a shoe.
This wine is awful!
Get me another glass.
Well, I think maybe we've had
enough wine, sweetheart.
I can't feel my tongue.
But I know it's there,
because I'm talking.
Moira, you should hear what they're
saying about you out there.
- You are doing great.
- No.
No, John, I ruined it.
I ruined everything.
- No! No, you didn't.
- I did!
No, sweetheart, I ruined everything.
I ruined it.
You did.
Why did you ruin everything?
Okay. Well, let's not focus
on me right now.
The important thing is,
you've gotta get back up
and you've gotta
get out there.
I can't.
- Can't.
- You can, Moira!
Remember Sunrise Bay?
You were drunk
most of season three...
And half of season four...
End of season five.
I'll have to take
your word for it.
Did I used to have
a drinking problem?
The point is,
you can do this, Moira.
You're radiant.
You're beguiling.
Mmm.
You were daytime
television's brightest star!
All you have to do
is go out there and shine.
I'm gonna.
I'm gonna fuckin' nail it.
Okay.
And on a big inhale,
identify any tension
you may be holding.
And on a big exhale,
breathe it out.
I burnt my sausage casserole.
I'm pretty sure
I'm really lonely here.
Now, with one partner
on the ground,
the other comes into
a downward dog
with hands on your
partner's ankles.
In the lee
of a picturesque ridge
lies a small,
unpretentious winery,
one that pampers
its fruit like its own babies.
Hi! I'm Moira Rose,
and if you love fruit wine
as much as I do,
then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship
and quality of a local vintner
who brings the
musk melon goodness
to his oak Chardonnay,
and the dazzling
peach cral-bapple
to his Riesling Rioja.
Come taste the difference good
fruit can make in your wine.
You'll remember
the experience,
and you'll remember
the name.
Herb Erflin-ger.
Burt Herngeif.
Irv Herb-blinger.
Bing Livehaanger.
Liveling. Burt herkurn.
Burt...
Bingo Ling-fucker!