Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Cabin - full transcript

Oh yeah! Yeah. Yeah.

Could you spare some a...
Oh my go-oh my God!

- David!
- Where's my robe?!

Oh my God. Oh my God.
Oh my God.

Oh my God, what's happening?

I saw hell is what's happening.
Oh my God.

What?

- Oh my God.
- David,

what you just saw
was your mother and me...

- I know what I saw.
- having an intimate moment.

- I cannot unsee that!
- Oh my God, you poor thing!



Okay, and I
refuse to feel guilty

about being in bed with my wife.

- Ew! Ew! Ew!
- I hate to be the one to tell you,

but having sex is not just
about making children

so they can grow up and make
you feel bad about having sex.

Oh my God,
can you stop this please?!

I will not be shamed.
Shame on you.

Shame on you for
attempting that position

at 8 o'clock in the morning.

- John?
- You know what?

- Oh my God.
- Do you know how difficult it is for us

to share a wall with you two?

- I do now.
- Yes, well, if you don't mind,

we are now going back
into our room



and don't even think
about opening that door!

- Are you serious?
- Next time.

Oh my God.

No, no, no...

S01E05
The Cabin

Roland, I just
need the door fixed.

- Mm-hmm?
- Okay?

My family can't keep living
like this.

My wife and I,
we have no privacy.

Okay, all right.
I get what this is about.

You and the wife wanna bump
the old uglies, huh?

I have no idea what that means.

Having a little problem down there
below there, Johnny boy, huh?

No, there's no problem, Roland,
I just need the locks fixed!

It's okay, I get it.
I get it, captain.

You've been a out to sea
for a while

you wanna bring the boat
into port

and maybe...
get your mast scrubbed.

What're you guys down to now?
Like... twice a day?

Okay, this is a conversation you
and I will never have, all right?

I just need the door fixed.

Well, how 'bout I do you
one better?

We got a cabin up by the lake.

It's just a little love nest
for the lady and me.

You know, when we wanna spark
the old spark from time to time.

My gift to you and yours
for the night.

So generous,
but I'm gonna take a pass.

- Hey, Johnny.
- Jocelyn?

- How are you?
- Uh, good. Good.

Sex life's in the crapper.
I just offered him the cabin.

That is so not true.

- I knew something was wrong.
- N-nothing is wrong.

You should take the cabin.

I wouldn't wanna see your
relationship get any worse.

No, our relationship is fine.
It's just a privacy issue...

Johnny, Johnny, come
on, come on, come on, come on.

Take the cabin, okay?

And feel free to use
the restraints.

- We keep 'em under the bed, so...
- Thank you. Thank you.

- Pick a safe word.
- Mm.

I, for one, think we should
take them up on their offer.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing here.

We're talking about
Roland's place.

Who knows what the hell
we're gonna find up there?

Well, we can't share
any real intimacy here

in this internment camp, John,

and I don't want to turn
into my parents.

Separate beds, separate rooms.

Well, separate countries.

Exactly! A bad marriage!

Hey, if you're willing to give
this a shot, I'm game.

- You're game.
- Yeah.

Okay. I'll play.

Actually, I have a good feeling
about this, John.

You know, I'm starting to
get a pretty good feeling myself.

Are you?

Oh my God! Am I being
punished for something?

David, are you dirty
peeping tom?

I don't' think parenting books would
approve of you saying that to me.

I'm here to grab a magazine,

and go back and leave you guys
to whatever disgusting...

- Stay.
- Stick around, stick around.

- Alexis?
- Alexis!

They're done!

Your father and I have
some very important news.

If you tell me
that you're pregnant,

I'm gonna vomit
on this floor right now.

- Oh, can you imagine?
- We're planning a trip.

- Okay.
- Just to a cabin, overnight...

And we request
that the two of you

not try to contact us
for the next 24 hours.

I really appreciate you
doing that for me.

I'm doing it for us.

Well, it's to my benefit.

Um, why don't you guys
stay at the cabin for longer?

Oh, I would never just
abandon you two

in a motel
in the middle of nowhere.

Didn't you once take the
wrong baby home from preschool?

Alexis looked Chinese
as an infant.

How many times
must I defend myself?

So we're good then? Thank you.

- No, thank you.
- No, thank you.

- Honestly, thank you.
- Enough, David!

Thank you so much for the
loan of your cabin and your truck.

Looks like you folks
got a lot of gear here, huh?

Is that the tickle trunk?

It's just clothes.

Yeah, okay,
but just keep in mind

there's only 60 amp
service there,

so don't be pluggin' a lot
of gadgets in all at once,

if you know what I mean.

Yet another disturbing look
into his world.

All right, directions.

Super easy, Johnny.
Here's what I want you to do.

Okay, I want you take highway 10
to Loon Lake Road north, okay?

I want you to take
a right there.

There's gonna be a split
in the fence,

I want you to go left
at that split, and keep going.

Go through the intersection
of Loon Lake Road south, okay?

And then you're gonna find
Pine Road.

Now you go up Pine Road,
I want you take a right

at that big oak tree, all right?

It's old, it's big,
you can't miss it.

You go down the hill to the left

and we're the third cabin
on the right, okay?

The key's under the mat.

- Got it.
- Really?

Key is under the mat.

So I think I'm gonna go
next door

because your mess
is making me anxious.

What mess?

You know how clean my
apartment was in New York.

It was so clean.
It was really clean.

Well, it was very clean

because you had a maid
to keep it very clean for you.

No. I kept it clean
after Cecilia cleaned.

Anyway, I think it's best if we
just take some space and um...

I am looking forward
to sleeping in a bed

that his not...
made for a toddler.

Okay. I'll just chill here
in my own space and...

Yeah.

Maybe I'll do a
mask or something and...

check in with myself
and see how I'm doing...

Okay, so we're good?

- Yeah.
- Okay. See you tomorrow.

Okay.

I'm out of mask.

I was so bored in there!

I'm sorry to hear that.

Okay, so I think that we should
take advantage of mom and dad being gone.

I am.

Okay, but like
throwing a party or something.

No. Absolutely not.

Just a tiny, little,
casual motel party.

Okay, Alexis, I have no
interest in finding out

what types of people are attracted
to "casual motel parties."

But you do have an
interest in lounging on a bed

that mom and dad
have had sex all over?

Why would you do
that to me right now?

David, I just... I miss my life!
And I miss doing things.

And I miss being surrounded
by loose acquaintances

who think that I'm... funny,
and smart, and charming.

Will you? Just a few people.
Please. You can't tell me

that you don't wanna hang out
with people other than me.

- Obviously.
- Okay, so...?

- Okay, fine. Something small.
- Yes!

Like a little games night.

Yes, like a small,
little games night party.

No. Like a little games night
period.

Okay, fine. And then, if it
turns into something else,

it turns into something else.

Well, it won't 'cause there's
only six people invited.

Any more and game play
gets too yelly.

It gets very yelly.

Okay, this party is gonna be...

- It's not a party.
- awesome!

- It's not a party.
- So. Much. Fun!

I'm so excited!

Hey, not bad!
Rustic but nice, huh?

The great outdoors, Moira.

I am shocked and delighted.

Yes. I have to say
I was nervous about this,

but I've gotta hand it
to Roland, he came through.

He's moron!

Key's under the mat, is it?

The key is under the mat!

Agh! That's great!
Lying son-of-a...

Agh! Idiot man!

Moron!

Ha! Oh, good.

- John?!
- Yeah! Coming, honey!

I'm coming.

Well hellooooo.

Oh, my car broke down
and it's raining,

and I wondered
if I might spend the night.

Well, first let's get you
out of those... dry clothes

and we'll see where
the night takes us.

So I need to flesh
out this games night thing.

Between you and my sister,

and the barn guy and that girl
in the restaurant, we have 5,

and obviously we need an even 6
for ultimate game play.

Well, what if
I'm not a games person?

We're far too similar
for you not to be, so...

Options, please.

Obviously they need
to be funny, and smart,

and have well-rounded
sense of humour

and a wide range of knowledge.

Oh, all those types of people
move away from here.

- That's funny.
- No, I'm serious.

- Ooh, what about Eric?
- Hmm?

He finished high school.

I don't love his look.

Oh, looks are important? Oh...
Why don't we throw a pageant?

Trust me, if I had time,
we would, but we don't, so...

What about Sarah?
She's cute and speaks english.

Hmm? Mm...

She get it?

- Get what?
- Like "get it" get it. It, like the vibe.

Understand that games night
needs to run a certain way,

otherwise it won't work.

Can I be on your team?
You sound really fun.

Listen, you don't have to
help me out if you don't want to.

- I can find someone else.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

- Well, it's-okay.
- Have fun.

- Okay.
- My money's on the other team.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I just uh...
Came to apologize.

For what?

For uninviting you
to games night.

You did not uninvite me.
I uninvited myself.

Mm-hmm. Okay, well, um...

I would really like it
if you came

and I would really love it
if you could bring...

one other person
of your choosing.

So it doesn't matter
if they don't blend?

M-mm-mm.

And this doesn't have anything
to do with the fact

that you couldn't find
anybody else to come?

No. What? No. I...

You are a very bright,
funny person,

with a wide range
of useful knowledge

and the fact that
we don't have an ideal number

for team style game-play,
is not... not why I'm here.

You're such a liar.

And I was bluffing
when I said I wasn't coming.

I just wanted to see you beg,
so...

- Okay.
- I'll put out some feelers,

but, you know,
such short notice,

all the town hotties
will have plans.

I'll see you tonight!
Yeah, thanks.

- Thank you.
- Welcome.

This place is almost charming.
Very rustic cottage.

I was half expecting
early unibomber.

Oh, look!
Roland and Jocelyn.

Who are the other two?

Well, that's Bob.
He's on the town council.

And his partner?

Roland has gay friends!
Again, shocked and delighted.

I think that's his wife.

No, they're
both called husband.

Look at the them smiling away.

What have they got to be
so happy about?

Well, they have no money issues.
That's why they're so happy.

Yeah, they just don't know
any better.

So, Eric,

how do you know Stevie?

She used to be my babysitter.

Great. Wow. Okay.

And how are your...
Trivia skills?

- My what?
- Oh my God.

Okay. Good choice. Good choice.

You guys came. Together.
That's so cute! Come in!

Twyla, you look amazing!

Mutt, you look like
a mill dollars.

Okay, so I brought
this pie from work

but on the way, I realized
I didn't check what kind

so there's a 50/50 chance
there's meat in it.

Oh my God, that's so cute.
Thank you.

Okay, so it's 8:15.
It's 8:15.

We should have started at 8.
So... fifteen minutes late,

let's sit down and I will...
explain the game.

And I would just like to
thank everybody so much for coming.

This is the first social thing
that I've done

in like a really long time,
so let's just have so much fun

and we'll just see
where the night takes us.

Well, it'll take us to a three
part games night that ends at 10.

Okay, well, we'll see.

- Okay, so let's start.
- Okay.

Let's start by putting
down 10 famous names

onto the pieces of paper
in front of you.

I don't think I can fit ten
names on this piece of paper.

That's funny. That's funny.
No. One per piece of paper.

Ten pieces of paper, ten names.

- Who should I put down?
- I can't tell you that, Eric,

'cause that would wreck
the game.

So then how do
I know what to put?

- Oh my God.
- Relax.

Can you put yourself down?

Oh, okay, who wants a shot?
Because I do.

No, we need to finish
putting the names down first.

Who's that?

Okay, I may or may not
have invited a few other people.

- What kind-who?
- I don't know. I met them on the way home.

- Hey!
- Hey.

- How are you?
- Good, good.

- Good. Hey!
- Hey, kids.

Stevie... Mutt... Twyla.

- Hey, Dane.
- Who the... Bleep... is this?

He's the worst, okay?
So just breathe through it.

Hi. David Rose.
Oh... 'Kay.

So we have split into teams and that's
an odd number, so we're... stuck.

No worries. We're here for
the party. Keg's in the truck.

What kegs? No one ordered a keg.

David, can you please
not be rude in front of...

- Dane.
- Dane?

- So now what?
- Oh, God!

In the bowl, Eric.
Put them in the...

- Wow.
- Yeah.

I can't see out of one eye.

But I'm still alive,
that's the main thing.

I'm hungry.
Should I go get...

No! No. You don't have to get anything.

I will get some food,
I will get the wine.

You... have done more
than enough.

Oh good, you're done.

We uh... we didn't wanna
interrupt.

What're doing here?

Oh, just finishing off the
latest Harold Zable novel.

- You ever read him?
- How long have you been here?

Quite a while.

Yeah, you seemed to have a little
trouble there, getting going.

And, uh, well, we uh...

We didn't think you needed
the extra pressure on you, so...

Oh, hi! You're good.

And you are?

I'm Bob, this
is my wife Gwen,

and, uh, this is our cabin.

Oh, no, no, no. This
is Roland and Jocelyn's cabin.

No, they're a
mile up the road.

Big tree, a fence.
You can't miss it.

She died! She's a dead person!

- Marilyn Monroe!
- No! She helps people!

- Oprah.
- Calcutta! Calcutta!

- Calcutta! The lepers!
- She's the mother... She's a mother...

It's not your turn, Alexis!

- Princess Diana.
- No! She's...

The lepers in
Calcutta, she helps them.

- Lepers! Lepers!
- There's all these lepers.

Stop yelling at her though!

It's the point of
the game is the yell!

She's a mother
and has your cousin's name.

Teresa?

- Mother Teresa!
- Yes!

You can't say mother!
You can't say mother!

- She wasn't getting it.
- That's the point!

Anyway, no points for them.
We have to start this again.

- This party's terrible.
- Excuse me?

Okay, so then, hey, why
don't we do something else,

like a drinking game.

No! Absolutely not!

Every time the vein in my brother's
eye twitches, we take a drink.

Why would you bring up my
eye in front of all these people?

- Who is that?!
- Calm down.

Dane thought he should just invite
over a few more of his friends, so...

- Oh, did he?
- Yeah.

Who's up for strip poker?

Okay, you know what?
I'm out. No, that's it.

I'm gonna call it a night.
I'm gonna pack it in.

Eric, don't look at my eye!

Why are you being
such an old woman?

I'm sorry that I wanted
to have fun tonight

and invite a few random guys over and
try and make out with them, okay?

You're not the only one
dying in this town.

It is boring and I am just
trying to make the best of it.

I'm really sorry everybody.
No offense, okay?

I'm well-versed
in family conflict...

I'm sure you are. Alexis?

If you want to party,
have a party.

But I have a queen bed
next door with my name on it

and I have been looking forward to
sleeping in that bed all day, so...

Maybe we should go.

No. You know what, guys?
It's totally fine.

David, I would love it if you
would come and party with us,

but it's totally up to you.

And I'm totally gonna go.
So everybody have a good night.

I don't know who you are!

Dane, put that down
and get off my bed!

No one on my bed tonight.
And don't-no one throw up!

So his eye twitched five times,
so drink up, bitches!

- All right!
- Woo!

Shots! All right.
Ready and...

And once again, my apologies.

And I'm sorry, I don't
know how to make a bed.

And I may have
damaged your corkscrew, Bob.

You broke it in half.

Okay, the door, it won't open.
The door won't open.

- It's locked.
- Oh, it's locked.

What do you want from us?

Yes, it's... it's
locked to prevent strangers

from coming into the cabin.

See, uh, we didn't realize
that, uh, strangers

would already be in the cabin
when we locked it.

I see. Oh. Okay.

Bye!

- There we go.
- Thank you. Bye.

You've been consummate
hosts, really. Fantastic day.

Hey, Mutt, can you
pass me a drink? Um...

- Sorry. Hey!
- Hi!

Here's the thing.

Um, I'm sorry that you and
your sister are in a domestic,

and I'm sorry that
I invited Eric.

That joke was funnier in theory.

Bad joke.

But I'm gonna need you
to come back in there.

Why?

Because I don't really
like most of those people

and, believe it or not,
we are in the middle

of a very intense game
of drunken charades

and my team is losing. Badly.

Well, that's not really
my thing.

It's not my thing either,

but you were right;
We're way too similar

and I am having
a very hard time losing, so...

I will happily let you
get back to this big queen bed

if you'll just help us win
a few more rounds.

Just need somebody sober.

- I can't...
- Please.

Go back in there.
It's embarrassing.

They are way too drunk
to remember.

Just two winning rounds
and then it's over.

Then you can go back
to your book.

- Fine. Fine. Two rounds.
- You can go back to sleep.

- Quick. Quick rounds.
- Thank you.

- Fine.
- Thank you.

And just don't look
at the stain on your bed,

and we'll mime
something special.

- What stain?
- Uh...

You're lucky I'm
good at this game.

- Yes! A mexican...
- Just get this one!

Are you sure you don't want to
call a tradesman or someone, John?

Moira, I don't need a tradesman.

I can handle a screwdriver,
okay?

This is working out just...
fine.

And... that... is... in.

Look at this.

Instant lock.

Yes, let me tell you, Eddie.

You look awfully good
in that blue collar.

Well,
thank you very much, Mrs. Rose.

I don't often get compliments
when I'm fixing doors.

Oh, Edward,
I'm afraid I must tell you,

I shan't be able to pay
you today.

Well, that's okay, Mrs. Rose.

Maybe there's um...
some other way you can pay me,

if you get my drift.

Did you take my mask?

Thank you.

Well, maybe
I'll use a bigger screw, Mrs. Rose.

Don't you go anywheres.

I'll be right here, Eddie.