Schitt's Creek (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Carl's Funeral - full transcript
Bob's brother Carl has just passed away. Johnny and Moira barely know Bob, let alone Carl who they can't remember at all. That's why they're surprised that Bob wants Johnny to be a pall bearer, as Carl admired Johnny. In Johnny's efforts to get out of being a pall bearer, he instead gets roped into providing the eulogy. Not knowing what to say, Johnny transfers thoughts of Carl's death to his own. Some of Carl's family come to town for the funeral, including Bree and Sean, Carl's stepdaughter - who also happens to be Stevie's cousin - and her husband respectively. In David's mind, Bree and Sean and their friends are trash, even by Schitt's Creek standards. But Stevie being related to the bunch provides David with another view of her. As Bree and Sean are staying at the motel, Alexis decides to escape and stay with Ted for the duration. Ted's place may be just as scary to Alexis but for different reasons.
Hi, Johnny. Can we come in for a moment?
Yes. Yes.
Thank you. Hello.
Oh, hi.
Is everything okay?
We've got some sad news.
Uh... someone very close has died.
- Sorry.
- Oh...
You remember Bob?
No...
You broke into his cabin and had sex
while he and his wife
were in the next room.
Oh... That's Bob.
Yeah, Bob, who was on the town council.
He's on the town council,
yeah... Oh, Bob died?
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
No. No, not Bob. Bob's brother, Carl, died.
I don't know Carl.
We barely know Bob.
Carl thought so highly of you, Johnny.
Oh... really. Well, that's nice.
No, I honestly don't know the man.
Well, understandably, Bob is uh...
Pretty broken up by all of this
and he asked me to ask you
if you'd be willing to um...
be a pallbearer at Carl's funeral.
A pallbearer... Mm-hmm.
at Carl's funeral. Well, I don't, um...
I, you know, I-I'm flattered.
It's-it's quite
an honour to be-
- I knew he would say yes.
- Yeah.
And-and normally I would... I would.
I-I-I, you know, but
my back. I have uh...
I... I-I have back issues.
- Honey? You know, my back.
- What?
- The thing with my back.
- Your back!
Oh, it's... it's terrible.
And his arms are so weak.
Little muscles like corn nuts.
Yeah, yeah, we're just talking
about my back, sweetheart.
It's awful.
I don't know what we're gonna tell Bob.
He's gonna be so disappointed.
Yeah... yeah. Well, life can
kick you in the teeth sometimes.
Mm. Well, that's not gonna help
Bob out too much there, Johnny.
Mm. Yeah. Shouldn't bother Carl.
I said bring
the goddamn diaper bag!
Uh, babe, I'm getting the cooler right now
in case you didn't notice.
Well, Denim has needed a diaper change
since before we left the house!
Oh my God.
What?
Some townie douchebag
is moving in next door.
They've got a baby.
Agh!
Is there a gun?
- Oh... no.
- Jesus! What the hell did you
- throw that for?!
- It's still too hot.
It's 20 seconds in the microwave
not 20 minutes, you tool!
You've lost it. You've lost it.
What the hell are you so rattled about?
- What are you doing?
- Um, I'm gonna go stay at Ted's
because I've been on enough spring breaks
to know how this is gonna
end, and it's not... not good.
You're just gonna leave
me here with these people?!
Yeah. Like I don't feel good about it.
Um, hello! Hello!
Is anybody in that hollow chest?
Hey, Bob. How are you holding up?
Oh... you know. Not bad.
You know, they say death is just life
except you're not here.
You're somewhere else, you know? But...
But that's okay because
at least you're somewhere,
you know? But when does...
When does somewhere become there?
And when does there become here?
- And I... it
- Just, just a coffee, please.
- For here?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Bob.
- Hi, Johnny.
- Oh, hi... hi.
You mind if I join you?
I could use a little company today.
Oh, no, no. You-you stay where you are
and I'll... I'll come over there.
Oh! Ooh, baby.
Ooh, wow. Ugh.
Yikes! That's... That hurts today.
Yeah, Roland, he told me
about your back and I...
I am so sorry.
Well... well, I'm the one who's sorry, Bob.
You know, hearing about your,
uh, brother... C-C-Chris-
- Carl.
- Carl. Yeah, he was a good man.
A good man. He admired you, Johnny.
And I him. Yeah.
And I him.
Listen, uh, I understand about your back...
Yeah...
And... I was just uh.. Just wondering
if, uh, maybe you could say
a few words at the funeral?
Well, the thing, uh, the thing is, uh, Bob,
I-I-I don't feel I
deserve that... honor.
Oh, see, I'm uh... I'm
no good at these things.
You know, you, you're... You're polished.
You know, you're... You're well-spoken.
Oh no. No, no. Not really. Not really.
I mean, I'm good one on one,
but not-not good in a public situation.
I clam up pret-pretty good.
As a favor, Johnny.
He must have had a few close friends,
- somebody that
- No one.
Well, sure. Sure. I can
say a few words, Bob.
I'll say a few words.
Have you seen the couple that checked in?
They're like really scummy.
Like... very skaggy people,
who happened to produce a child
that hasn't been taken away from them yet.
Imagine being related to them.
No, I can't. It's too early.
- They're my cousins.
- Oh! Well, the um...
The baby's relatively normal looking.
No, no they're definitely skaggy.
My God, they're so skaggy.
Hmm. Wait, so you're related to Carl?
Not genetically.
My mom's sister was married to
Carl. Carl is Sean's step-dad.
And was that a factor
in the cause of death?
I wouldn't be surprised.
They broke up just before
Sean got Bree pregnant.
Or someone got Bree pregnant.
I mean, Bree's not exactly fussy
when it comes to introducing
men to her vagina.
Mm. Charming.
Tell me it's not always this clean in here.
No, it's-it's always this clean.
Oh... it smells so fresh!
Uh... that's the Febreeze.
I was... I was eating
Indian last night, so...
So much better than the motel.
At least you know what the smell is.
Oh, ho-oh! Oh...
Hey, come on now, you two, Oh, hi! Hi.
- Come on.
- Hi there. Ooh!
Oh-ho-ho... there's a good
girl. There's a good girl!
- They're so...
- Well, Macy and Fifer are just staying with me
for a couple of weeks until
they get back on their feet.
Isn't that right, Fifey?
Yeah, your worms are almost
all gone, aren't they?
Yeah...
Is that a diaper on that little cutie?
Yup. Oh! You know what though? Whoa
-'kay. This is just...
This is because she's...
She's... She's scared right now.
But don't worry.
I can tell that you
are gonna win them over.
- Yeah... ?
- Yeah.
I just-I haven't um...
been... I haven't-I don't-
I'm not around dogs a lot,
so...
No, you know what? Don't even worry about.
Just... for tonight,
think of them as... our kids.
Right? Oh yeah...
John, you're speaking at the funeral?
The man was weeping.
What was I supposed to do?
You take his hands in yours,
you look him in the eye, and say, "no."
What do you say about guy
you couldn't care less about?
Oh, it's Gord what's-his-name's
funeral all over again.
- Who's Gord
what's-his-name? - Exactly.
He was some kind of
crew-person on Sunrise Bay.
I made an obligatory
appearance at the service
and his hysterical girlfriend
cornered me into saying a few words.
I didn't have a thought in my head,
so I just stood up and sang "Danny Boy."
Not a dry eye in the house.
Huh...
God, I love this bed.
I'm so glad you're not my brother.
Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty glad about that too.
But let me assure you,
tonight it is just you and me.
Um...
Hey, the little guy is looking at us.
Oh, yeah, dogs sometimes do that.
Um... maybe we could
invite it to... go? Go away.
Oh, she's fine. She's fine. She's fine.
Oh, now you want in on
the action, too, huh?
Okay, the... the big one
is sniffing the diaper.
Does... does that mean it's full?
- Okay.
- What is... ?
Okay, you guys, just give
us a little bit of time here
and then you can come
sleep with us, okay? Okay?
Okay, where were we?
- Hmm...
- Mm...
Out! Out!
Pass the chips!
Hello. Excuse me.
Excuse me!
- Hey!
- Excuse me!
- Hey! Go.
- Excuse me, hi.
Oh, Buttons,
I don't think you're
invited to this one, huh?
I don't wanna be invited to this one.
Hey, look
who it is. It's your dad.
- He's here to take you home!
- Yeah, yeah...
- Remember that?!
- Yeah!
You remember that one?!
No.
- I'm just pumpin' your tires, bud!
- Okay.
Look, what you gotta understand
is that my ex-stepdad just died,
so we're here celebrating his life, okay?
Okay, you all seem very devastated by this.
I need you to turn-mm.
I need you to turn the music down, okay?
Because I-I'm trying to get
couple hours... Sleep tonight.
Oh, sleep? Well, you know
who's sleeping forever, bud?
- Your ex-stepdad, yeah.
- My ex-stepdad, yeah.
- Yup, yeah.
- Damn, that's sad...
- Okay, thank you. If you could just turn it..
- Are we out of mix?
Thank you.
Oh my God.
Don't...
Oh my... Oh my God!
I am so sorry. They got me...
They got me wasted.
- Mm-hmm. - I
hate them, okay?
I hate them so much.
You smell... very flammable right now.
Yes, I'm sure...
I'm gonna need you to get
them to turn it down, okay?
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- Hi, Denim.
- Hi, sweetie pie.
David, I so sorry.
- Johnny.
- Hello, Bob.
Moira, so good of you to come.
John said we had no choice.
Listen, we have some good seats down front.
Oh, that's very nice.
Boy, what a beautiful day for a... funeral.
Bob... in case I wanna
mention this in my remarks,
how-how did Carl go?
Well, it was a bit of a
freak accident, really.
Apparently, he was trying to
unhook his belt from the ceiling fan
and... apparently it... It
got knotted around his neck.
What?
Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole thing
would've come down, you know,
keeping a fan and a body
spinning up there for two days.
But uh... Carl found the studs on that one.
Oh... Yeah...
That's craftsmanship.
Oh, yeah.
But that uh... That was Carl.
Do you even know what that stain is or... ?
Uh... I'm worried if I
did, I wouldn't clean it up.
Why are you cleaning it up?
Sadly, um, I threw most of
the broken glass you see here.
You were a bit of a mess last night.
They told you?
Oh, no, no. We had a
full-blown conversation.
You were barely clinging to consciousness.
Oh. Sorry.
Did I try and make out with you?
- Mm-mm.
- Good.
But now I'm worried I
made out with someone else.
Uh, it's kind of my go-to
when I'm a little boozy.
Mm. Mine's shame eating,
so yours sounds more fun.
Huh.
Um...
Is this your thong or... ?
Yeah, no. Bree's a real classy girl.
Uh, his was wrapped around the remote.
Don't worry, I threw out the remote.
Hmm.
Well, it looks like
they have a side hustle.
Uh, I'm pretty sure she strips. Why?
Oh no, this is just a lot of um...
- Yes, it is.
- Marijuana.
And if you're offering, my answer is yes.
Thank you for that, Shannon.
Nothing says we'll miss you like
an excerpt from "Breaking Dawn,"
one of Carl's favourites
of the Twilight movies.
Now, to say a few words,
I'd like to bring up a close friend
and one of Carl's personal heroes...
Johnny Rose.
Thank you... minister.
Carl...
What to say about Carl... ?
Once so full of life
and now... lying... very, very close to me.
What a terrible thing death is...
And yet, for Carl,
pretty much an all-consuming
thing at this point.
He-he was a- he was
a man who loved...
A good sweater I'm told.
And-and he loved the feel
of big tool in his hand,
am I right, Bob?
And I wonder,
when Carl was spinning
around on that ceiling fan
that he was so very proud of,
was he ever thinking of this town...
where he was born where he lived,
and where he died... Where he died.
But I-I-I'm not
up here today
to speak about dying in Schitt's Creek.
I'm-I'm here-I'm-
Where the hell are you, Sean?!
At a bar?!
If anyone should be in
a bar right now, it's me.
Sean!
Excuse me.
Well... I-I am here to talk
about dying in Schitt's Creek!
I'm here to talk about the
misery of our lives here
and how we might never escape this place,
and how we do not wanna end
up in a coffin, like Carl,
here in this... godforsaken-
♪ Oh, Danny boy, ♪
♪ the pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪
♪ From Glen to Glen
♪ And down the Mountain side ♪
♪ but God... ♪
So... I'm sorry
if, earlier, I wasn't
sensitive to your animal issues.
And if it's any consolation,
the dogs told me to tell you
that they're super embarrassed
about their behaviour, too.
Well, I am dating a vet.
I should've known that...
There'd be slutty little
animals running around.
And I only take in the slutty ones, so...
I just... I didn't know what to do
because I love the dogs so much, but...
You know, I also really love...
The way that our relationship
is going right now... so much.
Mm... such a sweet face.
So, to get you more
comfortable around animals...
Not a puppy, Ted! I...
No, that would be cruel to the puppy.
No, I got you... this.
"Opening your heart to
animals: A guide to the benefits
of caring for something
other than yourself."
It's a very specific book.
You might wanna check out page 37.
Is it a credit card?
No. It's a room key...
To the premium king suite
at the Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale,
and they have a very strict
no pets allowed policy.
Well... it just so happens
that I have packed my overnight bag.
- Hmm.
- Come here.
- Thank you.
- No. Thank you.
- No. Thank you!
- Thank you.
- Thank you!
- Thank you.
Thank you!
You know where I got my hat, brah?
Where?
"Assholes' R 'Us".
Oh! Ow!
Oh! Oh my God.
Oh my God! We need to go.
We need to go! We need to go!
I don't
see it... I don't see it.
- Let me see
it- - Shhh...
The?!
Shhhhhh!
My hat.. I'm wearing it.
I'm wearing it...
So I'm thinking to myself,
"Oh, God, what if die here?"
Mm. That was not lost on anyone.
Uh, let's pilfer a few sandwiches
and make a gracious French exit.
Good idea.
Moira! Your "Danny Boy"... What a voice.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
I-I'd really like you to
sing at my cousin's funeral.
She's not dead, but...
She's been coughing a lot lately.
Moira, before they close the coffin,
One more chorus for Carl?
Please?
Take your time, honey.
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh... ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Danny... ♪
♪ Boy... ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes are... ♪
♪ Call-all-all-ling... ♪
It's our annual
Hawaiian night.
Pineapples, pig on the spit,
the whole nine yards.
Oh, you, uh, roast pig?
We do!
So, who's pig do we have to
slaughter to get an invite?
Yes. Yes.
Thank you. Hello.
Oh, hi.
Is everything okay?
We've got some sad news.
Uh... someone very close has died.
- Sorry.
- Oh...
You remember Bob?
No...
You broke into his cabin and had sex
while he and his wife
were in the next room.
Oh... That's Bob.
Yeah, Bob, who was on the town council.
He's on the town council,
yeah... Oh, Bob died?
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
No. No, not Bob. Bob's brother, Carl, died.
I don't know Carl.
We barely know Bob.
Carl thought so highly of you, Johnny.
Oh... really. Well, that's nice.
No, I honestly don't know the man.
Well, understandably, Bob is uh...
Pretty broken up by all of this
and he asked me to ask you
if you'd be willing to um...
be a pallbearer at Carl's funeral.
A pallbearer... Mm-hmm.
at Carl's funeral. Well, I don't, um...
I, you know, I-I'm flattered.
It's-it's quite
an honour to be-
- I knew he would say yes.
- Yeah.
And-and normally I would... I would.
I-I-I, you know, but
my back. I have uh...
I... I-I have back issues.
- Honey? You know, my back.
- What?
- The thing with my back.
- Your back!
Oh, it's... it's terrible.
And his arms are so weak.
Little muscles like corn nuts.
Yeah, yeah, we're just talking
about my back, sweetheart.
It's awful.
I don't know what we're gonna tell Bob.
He's gonna be so disappointed.
Yeah... yeah. Well, life can
kick you in the teeth sometimes.
Mm. Well, that's not gonna help
Bob out too much there, Johnny.
Mm. Yeah. Shouldn't bother Carl.
I said bring
the goddamn diaper bag!
Uh, babe, I'm getting the cooler right now
in case you didn't notice.
Well, Denim has needed a diaper change
since before we left the house!
Oh my God.
What?
Some townie douchebag
is moving in next door.
They've got a baby.
Agh!
Is there a gun?
- Oh... no.
- Jesus! What the hell did you
- throw that for?!
- It's still too hot.
It's 20 seconds in the microwave
not 20 minutes, you tool!
You've lost it. You've lost it.
What the hell are you so rattled about?
- What are you doing?
- Um, I'm gonna go stay at Ted's
because I've been on enough spring breaks
to know how this is gonna
end, and it's not... not good.
You're just gonna leave
me here with these people?!
Yeah. Like I don't feel good about it.
Um, hello! Hello!
Is anybody in that hollow chest?
Hey, Bob. How are you holding up?
Oh... you know. Not bad.
You know, they say death is just life
except you're not here.
You're somewhere else, you know? But...
But that's okay because
at least you're somewhere,
you know? But when does...
When does somewhere become there?
And when does there become here?
- And I... it
- Just, just a coffee, please.
- For here?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Bob.
- Hi, Johnny.
- Oh, hi... hi.
You mind if I join you?
I could use a little company today.
Oh, no, no. You-you stay where you are
and I'll... I'll come over there.
Oh! Ooh, baby.
Ooh, wow. Ugh.
Yikes! That's... That hurts today.
Yeah, Roland, he told me
about your back and I...
I am so sorry.
Well... well, I'm the one who's sorry, Bob.
You know, hearing about your,
uh, brother... C-C-Chris-
- Carl.
- Carl. Yeah, he was a good man.
A good man. He admired you, Johnny.
And I him. Yeah.
And I him.
Listen, uh, I understand about your back...
Yeah...
And... I was just uh.. Just wondering
if, uh, maybe you could say
a few words at the funeral?
Well, the thing, uh, the thing is, uh, Bob,
I-I-I don't feel I
deserve that... honor.
Oh, see, I'm uh... I'm
no good at these things.
You know, you, you're... You're polished.
You know, you're... You're well-spoken.
Oh no. No, no. Not really. Not really.
I mean, I'm good one on one,
but not-not good in a public situation.
I clam up pret-pretty good.
As a favor, Johnny.
He must have had a few close friends,
- somebody that
- No one.
Well, sure. Sure. I can
say a few words, Bob.
I'll say a few words.
Have you seen the couple that checked in?
They're like really scummy.
Like... very skaggy people,
who happened to produce a child
that hasn't been taken away from them yet.
Imagine being related to them.
No, I can't. It's too early.
- They're my cousins.
- Oh! Well, the um...
The baby's relatively normal looking.
No, no they're definitely skaggy.
My God, they're so skaggy.
Hmm. Wait, so you're related to Carl?
Not genetically.
My mom's sister was married to
Carl. Carl is Sean's step-dad.
And was that a factor
in the cause of death?
I wouldn't be surprised.
They broke up just before
Sean got Bree pregnant.
Or someone got Bree pregnant.
I mean, Bree's not exactly fussy
when it comes to introducing
men to her vagina.
Mm. Charming.
Tell me it's not always this clean in here.
No, it's-it's always this clean.
Oh... it smells so fresh!
Uh... that's the Febreeze.
I was... I was eating
Indian last night, so...
So much better than the motel.
At least you know what the smell is.
Oh, ho-oh! Oh...
Hey, come on now, you two, Oh, hi! Hi.
- Come on.
- Hi there. Ooh!
Oh-ho-ho... there's a good
girl. There's a good girl!
- They're so...
- Well, Macy and Fifer are just staying with me
for a couple of weeks until
they get back on their feet.
Isn't that right, Fifey?
Yeah, your worms are almost
all gone, aren't they?
Yeah...
Is that a diaper on that little cutie?
Yup. Oh! You know what though? Whoa
-'kay. This is just...
This is because she's...
She's... She's scared right now.
But don't worry.
I can tell that you
are gonna win them over.
- Yeah... ?
- Yeah.
I just-I haven't um...
been... I haven't-I don't-
I'm not around dogs a lot,
so...
No, you know what? Don't even worry about.
Just... for tonight,
think of them as... our kids.
Right? Oh yeah...
John, you're speaking at the funeral?
The man was weeping.
What was I supposed to do?
You take his hands in yours,
you look him in the eye, and say, "no."
What do you say about guy
you couldn't care less about?
Oh, it's Gord what's-his-name's
funeral all over again.
- Who's Gord
what's-his-name? - Exactly.
He was some kind of
crew-person on Sunrise Bay.
I made an obligatory
appearance at the service
and his hysterical girlfriend
cornered me into saying a few words.
I didn't have a thought in my head,
so I just stood up and sang "Danny Boy."
Not a dry eye in the house.
Huh...
God, I love this bed.
I'm so glad you're not my brother.
Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty glad about that too.
But let me assure you,
tonight it is just you and me.
Um...
Hey, the little guy is looking at us.
Oh, yeah, dogs sometimes do that.
Um... maybe we could
invite it to... go? Go away.
Oh, she's fine. She's fine. She's fine.
Oh, now you want in on
the action, too, huh?
Okay, the... the big one
is sniffing the diaper.
Does... does that mean it's full?
- Okay.
- What is... ?
Okay, you guys, just give
us a little bit of time here
and then you can come
sleep with us, okay? Okay?
Okay, where were we?
- Hmm...
- Mm...
Out! Out!
Pass the chips!
Hello. Excuse me.
Excuse me!
- Hey!
- Excuse me!
- Hey! Go.
- Excuse me, hi.
Oh, Buttons,
I don't think you're
invited to this one, huh?
I don't wanna be invited to this one.
Hey, look
who it is. It's your dad.
- He's here to take you home!
- Yeah, yeah...
- Remember that?!
- Yeah!
You remember that one?!
No.
- I'm just pumpin' your tires, bud!
- Okay.
Look, what you gotta understand
is that my ex-stepdad just died,
so we're here celebrating his life, okay?
Okay, you all seem very devastated by this.
I need you to turn-mm.
I need you to turn the music down, okay?
Because I-I'm trying to get
couple hours... Sleep tonight.
Oh, sleep? Well, you know
who's sleeping forever, bud?
- Your ex-stepdad, yeah.
- My ex-stepdad, yeah.
- Yup, yeah.
- Damn, that's sad...
- Okay, thank you. If you could just turn it..
- Are we out of mix?
Thank you.
Oh my God.
Don't...
Oh my... Oh my God!
I am so sorry. They got me...
They got me wasted.
- Mm-hmm. - I
hate them, okay?
I hate them so much.
You smell... very flammable right now.
Yes, I'm sure...
I'm gonna need you to get
them to turn it down, okay?
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- Hi, Denim.
- Hi, sweetie pie.
David, I so sorry.
- Johnny.
- Hello, Bob.
Moira, so good of you to come.
John said we had no choice.
Listen, we have some good seats down front.
Oh, that's very nice.
Boy, what a beautiful day for a... funeral.
Bob... in case I wanna
mention this in my remarks,
how-how did Carl go?
Well, it was a bit of a
freak accident, really.
Apparently, he was trying to
unhook his belt from the ceiling fan
and... apparently it... It
got knotted around his neck.
What?
Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole thing
would've come down, you know,
keeping a fan and a body
spinning up there for two days.
But uh... Carl found the studs on that one.
Oh... Yeah...
That's craftsmanship.
Oh, yeah.
But that uh... That was Carl.
Do you even know what that stain is or... ?
Uh... I'm worried if I
did, I wouldn't clean it up.
Why are you cleaning it up?
Sadly, um, I threw most of
the broken glass you see here.
You were a bit of a mess last night.
They told you?
Oh, no, no. We had a
full-blown conversation.
You were barely clinging to consciousness.
Oh. Sorry.
Did I try and make out with you?
- Mm-mm.
- Good.
But now I'm worried I
made out with someone else.
Uh, it's kind of my go-to
when I'm a little boozy.
Mm. Mine's shame eating,
so yours sounds more fun.
Huh.
Um...
Is this your thong or... ?
Yeah, no. Bree's a real classy girl.
Uh, his was wrapped around the remote.
Don't worry, I threw out the remote.
Hmm.
Well, it looks like
they have a side hustle.
Uh, I'm pretty sure she strips. Why?
Oh no, this is just a lot of um...
- Yes, it is.
- Marijuana.
And if you're offering, my answer is yes.
Thank you for that, Shannon.
Nothing says we'll miss you like
an excerpt from "Breaking Dawn,"
one of Carl's favourites
of the Twilight movies.
Now, to say a few words,
I'd like to bring up a close friend
and one of Carl's personal heroes...
Johnny Rose.
Thank you... minister.
Carl...
What to say about Carl... ?
Once so full of life
and now... lying... very, very close to me.
What a terrible thing death is...
And yet, for Carl,
pretty much an all-consuming
thing at this point.
He-he was a- he was
a man who loved...
A good sweater I'm told.
And-and he loved the feel
of big tool in his hand,
am I right, Bob?
And I wonder,
when Carl was spinning
around on that ceiling fan
that he was so very proud of,
was he ever thinking of this town...
where he was born where he lived,
and where he died... Where he died.
But I-I-I'm not
up here today
to speak about dying in Schitt's Creek.
I'm-I'm here-I'm-
Where the hell are you, Sean?!
At a bar?!
If anyone should be in
a bar right now, it's me.
Sean!
Excuse me.
Well... I-I am here to talk
about dying in Schitt's Creek!
I'm here to talk about the
misery of our lives here
and how we might never escape this place,
and how we do not wanna end
up in a coffin, like Carl,
here in this... godforsaken-
♪ Oh, Danny boy, ♪
♪ the pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪
♪ From Glen to Glen
♪ And down the Mountain side ♪
♪ but God... ♪
So... I'm sorry
if, earlier, I wasn't
sensitive to your animal issues.
And if it's any consolation,
the dogs told me to tell you
that they're super embarrassed
about their behaviour, too.
Well, I am dating a vet.
I should've known that...
There'd be slutty little
animals running around.
And I only take in the slutty ones, so...
I just... I didn't know what to do
because I love the dogs so much, but...
You know, I also really love...
The way that our relationship
is going right now... so much.
Mm... such a sweet face.
So, to get you more
comfortable around animals...
Not a puppy, Ted! I...
No, that would be cruel to the puppy.
No, I got you... this.
"Opening your heart to
animals: A guide to the benefits
of caring for something
other than yourself."
It's a very specific book.
You might wanna check out page 37.
Is it a credit card?
No. It's a room key...
To the premium king suite
at the Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale,
and they have a very strict
no pets allowed policy.
Well... it just so happens
that I have packed my overnight bag.
- Hmm.
- Come here.
- Thank you.
- No. Thank you.
- No. Thank you!
- Thank you.
- Thank you!
- Thank you.
Thank you!
You know where I got my hat, brah?
Where?
"Assholes' R 'Us".
Oh! Ow!
Oh! Oh my God.
Oh my God! We need to go.
We need to go! We need to go!
I don't
see it... I don't see it.
- Let me see
it- - Shhh...
The?!
Shhhhhh!
My hat.. I'm wearing it.
I'm wearing it...
So I'm thinking to myself,
"Oh, God, what if die here?"
Mm. That was not lost on anyone.
Uh, let's pilfer a few sandwiches
and make a gracious French exit.
Good idea.
Moira! Your "Danny Boy"... What a voice.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
I-I'd really like you to
sing at my cousin's funeral.
She's not dead, but...
She's been coughing a lot lately.
Moira, before they close the coffin,
One more chorus for Carl?
Please?
Take your time, honey.
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh... ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Danny... ♪
♪ Boy... ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes are... ♪
♪ Call-all-all-ling... ♪
It's our annual
Hawaiian night.
Pineapples, pig on the spit,
the whole nine yards.
Oh, you, uh, roast pig?
We do!
So, who's pig do we have to
slaughter to get an invite?