Scarecrow and Mrs. King (1983–1987): Season 3, Episode 22 - All the World's a Stage - full transcript

A Russian puppet master manipulates a love struck playwright and Amanda acts on stage.

We cannot afford to
waste more time, comrades.

Every day, we fall further
behind in space weapons.

That must and will change.

I still believe Maria von Klausen
is the key to our problems.

She is the sole reason the U.S.
is at least 18 months ahead of us...

in space laser applications.

We need von Klausen.
We keep failing to get her.

We have got to be ruthless...

damn the consequences
and simply grab her.

Perhaps you have a better
suggestion, comrade Krutiov.

You seem to be vastly amused.

You spout your
vigorous tactics...

but you're doomed
before you begin.

Let me get Maria
von Klausen for you.

I won't have to flex
more than my fingers.

This would be a heck of a lot easier if I
could see what I was doing, leatherneck.

I know, but 93 percent
of the bad guys...

are gonna lock your
hands up behind your back.

That's because they wanna make it
harder, not easier. Please, keep trying.

- Hello.
- Hi, Lee, come on in.

Now just raise
the lever tumblers.

Raising lever tumblers.

Align the gates.
- Align the gates.

- And release the bolt.
- Release the bolt.

All right, Mrs. King,
you did it. Good for you.

It took Ace here about, uh, six weeks
before he could Houdini himself...

- out of the cuffs.
- Really?

Ah. The old "entry and escape"
course, huh? Some things never change.

Until they phase out doors with locks.
- Ha, ha.

Look, uh, I gotta go.

- I'm gonna leave this kit with you.
- Oh, thank you, leatherneck.

- Study on these other locks.
- I will.

Give me a call if you get stuck,
okay, figuratively or otherwise.

- Okay, bye-bye.
- See you later.

So, what's up?

Billy wants to see us
down in the bullpen.

That is, unless
you're still tied up.

Nope, I'm available.

Let's go, come on.

I'm not sure what
we've got here, but one

of our contacts inside
the Soviet Embassy...

managed to photograph several
pages of this script by Tony Martinet.

- Parisian Intrigue.
- Yeah, he was hot a couple of years ago.

The critics compared
him to Edward Albee.

Huh. I didn't know you
were such a drama buff.

Well, actually, I had a professor
at UVA who got me interested.

He loved Martinet, had us read his
plays, and I was in a performance...

that the drama club put on.

Precisely why I thought you might help us
figure out why the Russians are interested.

Look at that. They've made
a lot of notes in the margins.

Mm-hm. Awful lot of dialogue changes.
- Hmm.

Someone didn't
like Martinet's words.

They tried to change it
to "you look sad tonight...

the crystal dew drops of
dashed dreams insult your eyes."

Oh, come on, that's not Martinet.
- But what is?

Deep background check
on him will take several days.

His career took a nose
dive in the late '70s...

and since then there hasn't
been a scratch on his file.

- People thought he had a lot of talent.
- Someone still does.

According to this, he's directing the
world premiere of Parisian Intrigue...

at a Georgetown
theater. Opens Friday.

Francine, what
are the results...

- on the script from crypto and graphology?
- Good news, and bad.

Crypto says, "Not exactly
Anton Chekhov, but clean."

Graphology made a handwriting
analysis of the notes in the margin.

You ready for this?

There is a 75 percent chance
that it's Dr. Serge Krutiov.

- Krutiov?
- Krutiov's Moscow's number one...

brain bender.

He's Vienna-trained, a shrink...

and he took the art of
psychological warfare to new lows.

Yeah, I know, I read a
Kremlin study on him.

They called him
"The Puppet Master."

Yeah, that's a
polite description.

I've seen what he's done to people's minds,
and how much he enjoys it. He's sick.

And he's big league. So if he's
involved with this, it's important.

- I want this one, Billy.
- You got it.

I want you to start with Carl Valentine,
the guy who is producing Martinet's play.

He brought the Bolshoi to
America a few years ago.

Maybe he's got
connections with the Soviets.

Amanda. AMANDA: Yes, sir.

Cover the rehearsal and see if
you can pick Martinet's mind a little.

Excuse me, but if
Krutiov is involved in this...

I mean, don't you think that
calls for, uh, trained agents?

- We don't know what we're dealing with.
- Yes, but...

And Amanda is familiar
with Martinet's works.

This could be a valuable
asset at this stage of the game.

Right... BILLY: Shh.

Amanda, if this does get
hot, I want you on the bench.

- Understand?
- Understood.

Hey, two days until opening
night. I thought you'd sound happier.

Or are you getting
bored with me?

I'd spin a line, "what's an opening
night compared to a night with you"...

but you'd accuse me
of being a bad writer.

It's not your writing
I'm thinking about.

You're sweet.

Don't mind me. I'm just grinding
my teeth about the backers.

They're braying about
idiotic changes in the script.

It's your play, Tony.

Don't change a word if you
don't want to, and stop worrying.

Save your energy
for us for tomorrow.

I don't see enough of you to appreciate
an off night, if you follow my drift.

I'd follow it anywhere.

Look, here comes my
producer. See you tomorrow.

- Bye.
- Hello, Tony.

Carl, what is this? The
script is set, you know that.

Oh, Tony, it's all
part of the process.

A guy puts $20,000 into a show,
and he thinks he's Flo Ziegfeld.

You never should have seen this.
Now will you go to work please?

You're brilliant.
The play's brilliant.

- Leave everything to me.
- All right.

There's just something about
the smell of a theater, isn't there?

- Yeah, stale air-conditioning. Heh.
- Oh.

Ah, that's Martinet talking
to the blond at the bar.


- Good luck. I'll see you later.
- Yeah.

The bottles are sugar glass
so you can really bash him...

and just spit your
line in his face.

Your corruption is
complete, schweinehund!

Good. But even more venom.


Hello, Mr. Martinet?
Well, I'm Amanda Keen...

- from Washington After Five.
- Yes, hello.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

- I've been tied up with my producer.
- No problem. Hope this is a good time.

Promise me the cover
of your next issue...

- I'm yours.
- Oh, well.

Over here.

I'm doing this play
because it interests me.

But a producer of your
stature, why Martinet?

His track record
is pretty shaky.

But his dramatic work is solid,
it's profound. It's even visionary.

Dramatic tastes go in cycles. I think
that Martinet's time has come again.

Ah, so you think that
Martinet's play can pay off?

That's what I tell my backers.

It isn't called show art, Mr. Steadman,
it's called show business.

That's the bottom line.

Excuse me, I have to leave you.

Oh, one more thing,
uh... Off the record.

We haven't seen the Bolshoi
Ballet in D.C. since 1981.

Now, are you planning
to bring them back?

Oh, absolutely not. I took
such a bath on the Bolshoi.

The overhead was monstrous,
the artists were temperamental...

and the red tape was endless.

No, thank you. I will never do
business with the Bolshoi again.

Heh, well, that's
our loss, isn't it?

So after the Off-Off-Broadway
production of Institutions in '76...?

Ah, how shall I put this? Uh, a
period of intense introspection.

Hmm, well, I know the audience for
Neo-Absurdist theater kind of dwindled.

I couldn't get arrested.

You know Neo-Absurdism?

I've read all your plays.

I was even in a production
in college, Tiger Tracks.

- I was the Wailing Walrus. Mm-hm.
- Oh, yes? Well, you're perfect.

Oh. I think my favorite line was,
um, "I don't care what the King says..."

"Pickle that herring!"

Ha, ha, I think
you do understand.

You know, we just lost the
understudy for the female lead.

- Would you be interested?
- I couldn't do that.

- No?
- No, absolutely not.

- That was in the college...
- Just read a scene. Please?

- Well...
- Okay.

- Give it a whirl.
- Yeah.

Do you always put your left
hand in your pocket, Mr. Valentine?

Yeah, I think so.

You're ten minutes
late. Explain, please.

I was cornered by a
reporter from a local rag...

on my way out of the theater.

Keep your eyes open
about this so-called reporter...

and your mouth shut.

Now, I assume that Mr. Martinet's
response was as I predicted.

It was practically verbatim.

It was uncanny. It was like he was
some kind of actor spouting dialogue.

- In a sense, he is.
- I don't understand.

He's a second rate, washed-up
playwright. What do you want with him?

Do you know about cats and
curiosity, Mr. Valentine, hmm?

Well, tomorrow, we will administer
the coup de grace to Mr. Martinet.

Oh, Mr. Valentine, make
sure you wear a blue suit.

Tomorrow, rehearsal at 10 sharp.
- Oh, okay, great.

Bye. MAN: See you then.

We may not even need you,
but if we do, you'll be wonderful.

Thank you very much.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Amanda?
- Ah!

- How'd you do with Martinet?
- Oh, I did very well.

He made me the
understudy to the female lead.

Understudy? Great,
that's a good cover.

- Is this the script?
- No. This is a revised script.

It's dated tomorrow. How'd
you do with Valentine?

Eh, standard stuff
about production values.

- Well, you know, this is kind of funny.
- What?

There are an awful lot of changes, but
Tony didn't say anything about a re-write.

Well, let's look at it
from the beginning.


Let's see here...

- Oh.
- Right here on page one.

"Crystal dewdrops
of dashed dreams."

Krutiov wrote that in the margin of the
script we got from the Soviet Embassy.


Let's get this to
Billy. Come on.

"Don't worry, she's
one of us, though a..."

- Cynic, sweetheart.
- I know.

- Simp.
- Fellas.

"Do you really believe
the promises of Utopia?"

"I don't think so, but
I could be wrong."

"You remind me of the dancing weasel,
sometimes happy, sometimes sad."

Mon Dieu, mon Dieu.

- Amanda?
- Yes, mother?

I don't understand this "Man
in the Shadows" character.

He just sits at the end of the bar
and says, "Mon Dieu, mon Dieu."

Mother, he is in
the shadows, right?

He's foreshadowing the
fall of Paris to the Germans.

- This play is weird.
- Sweetheart, it's called Neo-Absurdism.

See, everything stands
for something else.

The whole play takes place in a Paris
cafe and that's, um, the war, or the world.

And the French chanteuse is the
free spirit of the French people. Right?

The free spirit of the French
people does a cancan on the bar?

That's an act of
defiance, mother.

Oh, whatever
happened to musicals?

- Your line. DOTTY:
Okay, all right.

Mon Dieu, mon Dieu.

I'm going to watch TV.

- Sweetie.
- That's not a part of the play.

- Neither am I.
- Fellas.

- Another act of defiance.
- Mother.

Mon Dieu.

You have two mon Dieus.

Mon Dieu, mon Dieu.

Thank you.


Ms. von Klausen.

We'll have the car at Gate 2
at precisely 3:47 tomorrow...

for Operation Potomac Plaza.

It's so cute the way you
turn my little rendezvous...

into full-blown
security operations.

Well, it's my job, ma'am.

Twenty-four-hour guards.
Besides, it's, uh, only once a month.

It's so comforting the way
you make this public life...

seem so very private.

It is private, isn't it, Walter?

You don't listen, or have
cameras or anything, do you?

Heh, Ms. von
Klausen, we don't...

We wouldn't, um...

Heck no.

Okay, Carl Valentine's
tax returns for 1981.

Phew. If that is a
bad year for him...

I'd love to see what a
good one looked like. Heh.

Francine's coordinating a five-year
screening of surveillance films...

from the Soviet Embassy. Maybe we
can catch Mr. Valentine in another lie.

- It's 10:00. I gotta get to...
- You're gonna memorize these lines, huh?

- I've already memorized most of them.
- Oh, yeah?

Uh, how about act two, scene two,
"The Chanteuse and the German Soldier"?

- Go ahead.
- "You are the soul of decadence."

Better than to be soulless.

"You see through me to
that hollow place inside."

- Give me a break.
- Don't ad-lib.

- Your opacity is transparent.
- Huh?

- I'll explain the subtext later.
- Ah.

"Well, perhaps
that's why I drink.

Another, maybe this one is
the one to make me forget." Heh.

- Wine will make you forget.
- Uh?


I have another in mind.
No hangover either.

- That isn't your line.
- Who cares?

Uh, we've got those embassy tapes ready,
but I see you've got your hands full.

- Rehearsing.
- Yeah. Mm-hm.

Oh. Oh, when is opening night?

A little joke.

No, no, no...

Nothing yet.

Ernie's running August,
September and October.


No, no...

Yep, there he is.

No. Yep.

- There he is again, there he is again...
- All right, Ernie, show us.

Carl Valentine.

And look who he's
arm-in-arm with: Serge Krutiov.

Puppet master is right
in our own backyard.

Something's cooking.
Something big.

I'm gonna stick to Valentine
like a ten-week tan. Thanks, Ernie.

- You're the greatest.
- You're right.

The actors got the new scripts.

When Tony reads what you've written,
he's gonna come apart at the seams.

I've created a precise,
psychological equation.

As a result, Mr. Martinet
will agree to do something...

completely out of character.

But you said that
nobody would be hurt.

Mr. Martinet has a special
friend, a woman friend.

We'll manipulate him and
voilà, he'll manipulate her.

You're awfully certain
about yourself, aren't you?


So when you get
to the theater...

this is what you
say to Mr. Martinet:

Oh, mon Dieu.

This is terrible.

What is this, Carl?

Why is this?


Wait a minute. Talk to me.

Maybe he can find
out what's going on.

The backers insisted on
the changes, so I made them.

I've sunk a lot of
money into this venture...

- and I don't intend to lose it.
- And if don't agree to this garbage?

They'll produce
it without you...

and Tony Martinet's last chance
at a big comeback evaporates.

Heh, this can't be happening.

Carl, please, can't
you talk to them?

Beg them to reconsider.
Can't you do something?

No, but there's
something that you can do.


These revised scripts were waiting
for us when we got here this morning.

Tony nearly had a fit.

Where is he now?

He headed toward his
office with Valentine.

Who was just cheek-to-cheek
with Serge Krutiov.

- In Washington?
- Mm-hm.

I don't know what
bizarre web he's weaving.

I guarantee you it is unpleasant.
Now it is time for you to hit the bench.

- Remember what Billy said.
- Hey, this is a good cover.

This is a really good cover.

Krutiov would probably
never come here.

It's a good cover.

You're asking me
to commit treason.

I won't do it.

I can't.

You follow your conscience right
back to Equity Waiver theater...

and your $10-an-hour
acting classes.

We open tomorrow night.

You do what they want,
we perform your play.


You're gonna need this.

There are instructions
on the card inside.

People, please, may I have
your attention, everyone.

I'm delighted to announce
that Tony has convinced me...

to go back to the original script.
- All right!

For a playwright who just got his
script back, Tony doesn't look very happy.

Take these out and burn them.

Stay with Martinet for now, I'll
hang with Valentine. Remember...

- Right. Be careful.
- Yeah.

We'll start rehearsing
from the top in ten minutes.


Yes, well, I've been on hold.

Yes, this is Tony Martinet,
I'd like to confirm a reservation.

That's right. Yes, I'll
be arriving about 4:00.

Yes, that's right.

Thank you.

Potomac Plaza Hotel.

Francine, are you telling me Lee
hasn't picked up any of his messages?

- That's right.
- All right.

When he does, would you tell
him I'm at the Potomac Plaza hotel...

and ask him to meet me
here as soon as he can.

- Okay, okay.
- Thank you very much.

- Okay, bye-bye.
- Goodbye.

- Oh, well, hello.
- What are you doing here?

You'd know if you
picked up your messages.

I've been busy following
Valentine. He's in a room.

- You were supposed to stay with Martinet.
- I am. He's gonna be here any minute.

Let's go.

Third floor. AMANDA: Right.

We're gonna need backup.

Hello, Mr. Martinet.

- Nice to see you again.
- Thank you, Walter.

Uh, you know
the, uh, drill, sir.

- I hate to do it...
- Frisk away, Walter.

Oh, Ms. von
Klausen's favorite. Heh.

I'll bring her right up.

Enjoy your evening,
Mr. Martinet.

Martinet and now some muscle
thrown in. Very interesting.

Come on.

Here. This should do it.

We can get inside any room, and
see across into Martinet's room.


Well, this is perfect.

Hey, sailor.

- New in town?
- No.

- I've docked here before.
- I remember.

You have that tattoo
that's so much fun to find.

This is embarrassing.

This is the seamy side
of secret agent work.

Just be glad we're not
hiding under the bed.

It happens.

I think you're gonna like
my latest little number.

Emphasis on the "little." Heh.

- He put something in the glass.
- Yes, he did.

- Hmm.
- Oh, I'll drink to that.


Yeah, we've got an audience.
- Yeah.

It's the only way.

Can we discuss this?
- Yeah, sure, later.

Are they hurt?

That's the reporter I told you about,
and a woman I saw at the theater.

That reporter is Lee
Stetson, an American agent.

Misha, I have an errand for you.

Scarecrow, there is no law against
a man and a woman having a tryst.

With a ton of muscle outside?
What for, to help set the mood?

Remember, Billy, we saw
Martinet drug the woman's drink.

I'm telling you,
something is going down.

All right. Let's assume that there is,
and I'm not saying that I believe that yet.

We cannot afford to
tip our hand to Krutiov.

All right. Agreed, agreed.

Could you send Francine
to the Potomac Plaza...

to do her hooker number
and a low-profile surveillance?

You got it.

As soon as Amanda gets changed,
you get back here with those photos.

If we can ID the woman, maybe
we'll really have something.

Okay, will do.

- Hello?
- Oh, hello, Tony. Um...

I imagine you must be having
second thoughts about this...

but let me assure you that
unless you go through with this...

neither you nor Dr. von
Klausen will leave this hotel alive.

Good morning.

Welcome to the Strategic Defense
Initiative Task Force Review.

I'll turn this meeting
over to Dr. von Klausen...

who will give us a summary
of the project to date.


Thank you, Dr. Weber.

The D-14 laser...

has a G factor of 5.444...

under a full load.

- Hello, Mrs. King.
- Hello, girls.

- Excuse me, miss.
- Yeah.

- Would you know where Baldwin Park is?
- Uh, you made a wrong turn...

Don't make a
sound or you're dead.

Now, move.

Get in.

Hi, this is Tony Martinet.

I'm not here right now, so
please leave a message.

Thank you, Dr. Weber.

The D-14 laser has
a G factor of five...

Never should have
agreed to do this.

Never had a choice,
none whatsoever.

This will assuage your guilt.

Call it a bonus.

I know you want one.

No time for quibbling.

That will be Mr. Martinet.

It's over. Good.

- Can I have the tape?
- This tape?

Thank you,
Dr. Weber, the D-14...

- The rest is erased.
- Tony, will you be serious?

If you don't come
through with this, they're

gonna kill you,
they're gonna kill me.

I waited ten years to
get my play produced...

and I had to betray
the woman I love for it.

I know what that makes me.

When I know that
Maria is safe...

and when the curtain comes down at
the end of opening night, tomorrow...

then you get the tape.

- Lee? Lee?
- Oh.

Thank goodness. I thought
you'd never wake up.

- Can you sit up? Okay.
- Unh.

He hit me with a hypo
of something real potent.

Take it easy.

It's night. Where are we?

I don't know. I think we're
headed toward the Blue Ridge.

We better get out of here...

- before we reach the Atlantic.
- Yeah, you have a half-rake?

- Lock pick?
- Yeah, half-rake.

Yeah, I've got a double
diamond in my collar stay.

- That ain't gonna do any good, Amanda.
- I got it.

- These thing are tight,
my hands are dead.

We're lucky we
got the 7 percent...

of the bad guys that don't
always cuff you behind your back.

Hey. Leatherneck's gonna move
you all the way up to safecracking.

- Yeah, what's he gonna do to you?
- I'd settle for grand theft auto.

Unh. Ow.

- Sorry.
- Ooh.

- Okay. Let me get the other.
- Yeah.

This thing's locked
from the driver's seat.

- Got it?
- Yeah. Give it a tug.

This will have to do.

This is a car, not
a bottle of wine.

- Are you all right? Huh?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God!

I'm sorry.


I did my "happy hooker" number on
the muscle at the Potomac Plaza...

and the last thing they
wanted to do was talk.

Anyway, the woman left the hotel at
6:05 this morning under heavy guard...

and she seemed perfectly fine.

- Where'd she go?
- Uh, an apartment at the Watergate.

- The lease is in the name of Jones.
- Original.

Did the question and answer boys
get anything out of the Russian?

Nyet. They've been working him for hours,
all they know is he's Krutiov's chauffeur.

This whole thing hinges on the
woman, Billy, we have got to ID her.

We know where she lives. Why don't
we bring her in, find out what's going on?

We can't drag people
in here without cause.

Oh, come on, Krutiov will fill that bill.
- Agreed.

But we have to know
more before we do.

That way, we're smart
and tough at the same time.

Okay. Come on, Amanda.

I'll introduce you to Ernie, the camera.
- Oh.

See you later, sir.

No, no, no...

She's not with State Department.
Tapes are from Defense.

- How does he do that?
- It's a special talent.

We're lucky to have him.

No, no, no... Yep.

- How many frames back, Ernie?
- Seventeen.

Maria von Klausen?

I'd say it's a perfect
match. Anything else?

She's the Director of Laser Research
for the Strategic Defense Initiative.

Star Wars?

Star Wars? We haven't got it.

Grandma, Mom's not
even in the first string.

She's an understudy.

An understudy is someone who
takes over if the actor gets sick.

It's very important.

This is gonna be boring if
somebody doesn't get sick.


You could have said
anything, Dr. von Klausen.

The blood analysis indicates...

that he gave you a
powerful new psychotropic...

the Russians are
calling the déjà vu drug.

I'm afraid you've been
compromised, Dr. von Klausen.

I can't believe
Tony would do this.

He was probably
pushed pretty hard.

Which is Krutiov's forte.

- When I searched him, he was clean.
- He could have hidden it anywhere.

All you need is a thousandth
of a grain of that stuff.

Let's presume we have a
level nine security breach.

- Sound the alert, Francine.
- Okay.

Lee, you and Amanda go out and
round up Martinet and bring him here.

I'll work with Walter...

and get Dr. von Klausen under wraps.
- Yes, sir.

He probably had no
control over this, Maria.

A pig, is it?

Am I a pig and am I to take it
you think all Germans are pigs?

Mon Dieu, mon Dieu.

Shut up, you fool!

Barkeep, another
bottle of this swill.

Your corruption is
complete, schweinehund!

You may as well wear your
Schnaps along with your shame.

Mon Dieu, mon Dieu.

Make him shut up about his god.

His god... I'll kill that poor imbecile...
- Careful, Fritz.

These customers of mine
would happily slit your gullet...

and throw you in the cellar.

They can scour the city for me.

They'll kill a hundred of
you for every one of us...

A bargain.

Can't a man buy a decent
night's entertainment in this city?

I wanna see a dance!

Dance? For you?

- There's Tony.
- Tony Martinet?

We just finished talking
to Dr. von Klausen.

- You are a good actor. I can always tell.
- Tony, you've got to help us.

Ah. I don't even know
how I got into this.

They said they'd
kill her if I didn't.

We know what you've been through
but we really need your help now.

You have to tell us
who your contact is.

Carl Valentine.

I'm supposed to give the
tape to him after the play's over.

- After the play?
- I recorded the information...

but I wouldn't give it to them
until I knew Maria was safe...

and the curtain had come
down on my opening night.

- Where is the tape?
- It's on stage.

In the tobacco tin on the bar.

A little dance.

- All right, let's bring the curtain down.
- Not in the middle of the play.

Valentine, damn you.

- Would you keep an eye on that stage?
- Right.


Get out of here.

And my little chanteuse
takes to my lead...

Don't do it.

See, my love? We glide across
the floor like courting swans. Ha, ha.

More like stiff-legged
German dog.

- Give me that tobacco tin.
- Stop that man. He is Gestapo.

- I don't remember this part.
- Oh, she's wonderful.

If you have to, use it.

- Stop him!
- Quit pulling her.

I paid.

Give me that tobacco tin.

Give me that tobacco
tin. This is a real gun.

It's not for you.

- Yeah!
- Take the money back.

This dance has only just begun.

Mademoiselle says she
doesn't want to dance.

Bravo! MAN 2: Bravo!

Bravo! MAN 3: Bravo!

Oh, nice performance.
A bit improvisational.

Will they give Tony some therapy
or something before they try him?

Yeah, they will. Krutiov
really messed up his mind.

- Amanda?
- Yeah.

You know, you and I do
have a lot to talk about.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

We have been...

Getting to know each
other for what, uh...

- Three years. Mm-hm.
- Three years, now.

And I think...

there's a lot about
you that I don't know.

I'm sure gonna
enjoy trying to find out.

- Is Lee in the Q Bureau?
- Yeah, I think so.




No, not this time.