Scarborough (2019): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Untimely Faux Pas Of Marion Norris - full transcript

So are you going to marry her,
then, or what? I beg your pardon?

Are police asking where
the money is?

Do you want to keep this job? No!

Do you want to go to The Ship?
What? Yeah. No, OK, yeah, nice one.

Er, what time? Er, I'll text ya.

What do you think about us
two moving in together?

Moving in? I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.

Do you?

Next time my boys pay a visit,

it won't be just the furniture
that gets broken.

What are you talking about? Your
mother's house on Westgate Road.



What are you arresting him for?
He's done nothing!

Free the Scarborough one!

I was thinking, you know these flats
we're seeing this afternoon?

Yes, at five o'clock.

You see, I do listen.

I was thinking,
why are we bothering?

Why don't we just live here?

What, in this flat? Yeah.

Well, it's where
I used to live with Darren.

It's hardly the fresh start
we wanted.

Karen, I live with a man who thinks
it's socially acceptable

to fart in time to the
News At Ten theme tune.

I don't know the meaning of
the word fresh.

Have you even told Bigsy
you're moving out?



No, not yet.

Well, then, what is the point?

What do you mean?

I'll tell him when I get chance.
He's just never around, is he?

I'll meet you there to look at
the flats at five o'clock today,

if, by then, you've told Bigsy
you're moving out.

Otherwise, there is no point.

You're talking like you're not even
bothered about us living together.

I just don't want to make the same
mistake twice.

What's that supposed to mean?
Meaning, we've split up before.

I don't want to go through
that again.

I'm talking about the opposite
of that.

I'm talking about actually
living together.

And I'm saying
how can we live together

when you can't even tell
your flatmate you're moving out?

Yeah, well I'm seeing him
today, aren't I?

You just need to take a bit more
responsibility. I will.

Well, you stayed at mine last night

and you didn't even bring any
clean underpants.

Yeah, don't worry about it.
Pair of yours on, haven't I?

No, I turned them inside out.

Right, come on. Got to go to work.
All right.

See you later. Five o'clock.

Karen? OK.

All right, Mike? All right?

Er, what can I get you? No, I'm all
right, to be honest, Jack.

I'm just waiting for Bigsy. We're
off for a latte. Oh, right. Erm...

Well, I'm not being funny but if
you're not having a drink

I'll have to, er, ask you to free up
these seats for paying customers.

What, you're being serious?
There's no-one here!

Yeah, well Bigsy's barred.
Barred? What for?

I don't want criminals in my pub,
or outside it.

Criminals?! You know he's been
done for burglary, don't you?

He's not been done for burglary.

He was helping the police
with their enquiries.

Helping them with their enquiries?
Are you taking the pi...

Did you see the way they ragged
him out my pub last night?

Eh? You don't
get that for a parking ticket.

It was a case of mistaken
identity, Jack.

Did you see how
he wrecked Mrs Buckham's funeral?

Do you know, I found egg mayonnaise
in my light fitting this morning.

Now, then, everything all right?

Is it true you got done for that
burglary on Westgate Road? No.

Not at all. And, listen, I just
wanted to apologise

about the, er, slight kerfuffle
last night. Slight kerfuffle?

Complete mistaken identity.
Made a full apology and everything.

There you go.

I mean, the police know I was
a bit of a rascal in my time,

but robbing pensioners? Nah.
Not my style, Jack.

You ready? Come on.

See you later, Jack. Yeah.

Enjoy your lattes.

It's a lovely new coat, Mrs D.

Let's get you washed. Mandy?

This is Mandy.

Who's this?

I just told you, it's Mandy.

Where's Lisa Marie?

Mandy is Lisa Marie's sister,
so you're in good hands.

I used to sweep up, but I've been
promoted to washing hair.

Promoted?
I want my hair shampooed properly.

You wouldn't ask a pilot's sister
to land a plane, would you?

With respect all round,
I don't think you can compare

shampooing somebody's hair to
landing a jumbo jet.

I never said a jumbo jet.

It could be any type of plane.

Anyway, don't change the subject.

My hair has been
described as spun gold.

Come on, Mrs Dainty,
I'll look after you.

Got a special shampoo we keep for
celebrities and royalty.

What royalty do you get in here?

You, Mrs Dainty! You.

Oh, not interrupting
your social life, are we?

I'm looking at me appointments!

What, on your phone?

Pull the other one,
it's got bells on it.

Hey, we don't all live in
the Dark Ages, you know?

The Vanity Box lets their
customers book online.

Listen, have you see the customers
coming out of the Vanity Box?

They look like they've
licked their fingers

and shoved them in a plug socket.

Most of our customers think
an electric kettle's cutting edge,

never mind the internet.

Right, let me
look at these appointments.

Mandy's doing well, ain't she?

You thought about training
her up as a stylist? What?

After I trained her sister
for a year, only for her to drop us

in it, waltzing off like that?

Not likely.

We're going to have to cancel
Mrs Castle and Mrs Jewel

if you can't stay later than 5pm.

Well, Geri, I can't, I told you -

me and Mike are going to
view some flats.

I know, it's in the book, but I just
thought you might have been

overcome by a sudden bout
of compassion.

Geri, are you OK?
You just seem a bit tense today.

GASPING

Geri! What's up?
Here, come on, let's go in t'back.

No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's just that things are a bit
strained at the moment.

Financially.

Oh... I know it's been quiet

but things have picked up
the last week or so.

Yeah, one busy week isn't going
to compensate

for months of barely scraping by.

And what's the point of being busy
if you don't have the staff?

Well, look, if things are that bad,
I'll cancel me flat viewings.

No.

No, don't do that.

I'll be fine.

I'm just tired.

Well, we can't turn customers away.
What else are we going to do?

Hiya, Geraldine.

Can we talk?

Is that too hot? No, that's lovely.

I didn't mean to be rude, love,
I'm just set in me ways.

Oh, don't worry.
Me nanna's the same.

She always says to me,

"I know I sound like I'm telling
you off, but it's just me way."

She's always having a go at me.

Last week she said, "Mandy,
why haven't you got a boyfriend?

"Bonnie lass like you?"
I said "Nanna, I'm young.

"I don't want to be tied down.".

Oh, no, I don't blame you, love.

I tried that once, being tied down.

It wasn't for me.

I mean, a lot of people
like it, but, for me,

I don't want to feel suffocated.

I didn't mind that, to be honest,
which surprised me,

because I thought having a pillow
over my face would be horrible!

The bottom line is, Lisa Marie,
we just can't have

members of staff flying off the
handle and walking out of the salon.

I know.

My father always used to say,
and I've never forgotten it,

"Without order there is chaos,
without structure there is

"instability. Without..."

It's just I did feel I was being
bullied, instead of you just

asking me to keep quiet about you
taking Mrs Buckham's money.

I did not take Mrs Buckham's money!

Yeah, you did.

Not in the sense
that you were insinuating!

How many ways can you take
money from a dead woman's handbag?

Oh, do we have to go over
this all over again?

Well, do we? No.

Right, here's that shampoo
I was telling you about.

Smells like coconut.

Ooh, that's lovely!

That smell...

..Ingrid Hoffman. I'm sorry?

I used to have a girlfriend
called Ingrid Hoffman.

She was German,

and her hair smelt like coconut.

Yeah, it's my favourite.

It's good for all
types of hair as well.

They do a vanilla one, but I think
it smells like an egg custard.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I love an egg custard but I don't
want me hair to smell like one!

I'm thinking of getting me
hair cut this length.

I mean, I'd wear it more like a bob,

but it would more or less
be this length.

Me nanna said, "Don't have your
hair cut

"or you'll never get a boyfriend."

Dunno why she's so obsessed with me
not having a boyfriend.

Me grandad died years ago

and she's never made no effort
to find a new husband or boyfriend.

Would you still say "boyfriend"?

I'd feel a bit weird saying
"me nanna's boyfriend."

Or girlfriend!

When my husband died,
I went back to women.

Best decision I ever made.

Now, if only I could find
Ingrid Hoffman.

Now that was a woman.

Right. So, I think it's best

that an apology is given
and we all just move on.

OK.

Good.

Right?

Well?

Well, what?

You want ME to apologise?

Yes, of course! What did you expect?

Well? Uh...

Lisa Marie, I can't allow you back
in the salon unless you apologise.

It wouldn't be fair.
Wouldn't be fair? On who?

Well, there's me, for a start.

Sorry? Apology accepted.

Right, now, to show we are all
equal here, I will make the tea.

Would you like one?

Not for me, thanks, Geraldine.

It's Tuesday
so I'm on an early dinner.

See you in an hour.

So, we would recommend eight
window locks...

..a motion detecting exterior
security light, and a new

front door and frame - certified to
British standard PAS241.

Oh, lovely.

And will you be able to get it all
done today, do you think?

Oh, no. Sorry, Mrs Norris.

This is just crime
prevention advice.

You'll have to get the work
carried out yourself. Oh.

But we can recommend you to
a local tradesman.

A lot of them
do discounts for pensioners.

But I... I thought it was free.

The advice is free.

Oh, the advice is free?
I should think it is.

You've told me
I need a new front door,

not this week's lottery numbers.

I'll tell you what,
you make me a nice cup of tea

and I'll have a look in my little
black book and see if we can

at least get you the window
locks for free.

How's that for a start?

Milk and sugar?

And a few biscuits.

Come on.

So, then, Geraldine tips all
the money out of her bag,

covering the settee in 10s and 20s.

Mostly 20s, as far as I could see.

Is this your last one?
I don't want to take your last one.

Oh, don't worry! There's plenty
more where that came from.

I made some flapjacks yesterday.

And all that money had
come from Mrs Buckham's handbag?

Well, as far as I could see.
Yes, definitely.

How much was there? Oh, I'd say
a good couple of thousand.

But this is confidential, isn't it?

Ooh, absolutely.

We're just having
a natter, aren't we?

So, what were you going to
tell me about Mr Ferris?

Well... Obviously, I can't discuss
any details of the burglary,

but what I can say is
Mr Ferris is currently being

comforted by Jamie,
his 30-year-old nephew.

Is that all you've got? No... no.

His 30-year-old... nephew.

Are you all right? You look as
if you're having a stroke.

No, I mean, it's not his nephew.

It's a friend.

A very close friend.

What are you trying to say?

You do know, don't you, that
Mr Ferris was married?

Yeah, a long time ago.

Let's just say that,
since his divorce, Mr Ferris has...

How can I put it?

Given the female
of the species a very wide berth.

Well, that's a lie.

Our postman is a woman
and he's always talking to her.

No! I mean...

..he prefers men.

Now that is a lie.

Mr Ferris adores women.

He's obsessed with Shirley Bassey.

Well, you wanted gossip.

That's not gossip, that's slander.

And I think you should leave.
There's no need for that.

Come on...
I was just doing a courtesy call.

Courtesy? You don't know
the meaning of the word!

And you can put those flapjacks back
in there. Come on, I want you out.

Come on! What, so you don't want
the window locks, then?

No, I do not want your window locks!
Now get out!

Now! Go on. Keep walking!

Hey! There's no need for that!
This is assault.

Yes, it is, and you're lucky not to
get a bash round the earhole

as well. Now, bugger off!

Oh, hello, love! How's your uncle?

Do you mean Des? Mr Ferris.

Yeah, he's fine, thanks.

Is, er, everything OK?

Oh, yes, no, they just came to
check all my windows.

Well, give my regards to Mr Ferris.

Yeah, will do. See you later!

Oh.

Hm.

Oh, thanks, Kathleen. Cheers.

Oh, er, I think you forgot

the little biscuits that usually
go on the side.

Oh, sorry, we've run out.

Unbelievable.

And at these prices an' all.

Oh, by the way, you know
I've got no money, don't you?

Oh, I'm glad you mentioned that

because I need to talk to you
about the rent.

Ah. Look, I'm sorry about that,
mate.

I had a week of cash-in-hand work
with No Neck Paul,

but he got a bit windy when the
police started sniffing around me.

Who's No Neck Paul? You know - Paul!

Drinks in the Lord Nelson.

Little fella. No neck.

Of course.

So, what happened?

I don't think anything happened,
he was just born without a neck.

Not No Neck Paul! Last night when we
left you at the police station.

I'm in the clear. They know it
wasn't me. It's not my MO.

You don't have an MO cos
you're not a criminal!

That's Lisa Marie.

Oh...

I'm telling her to come here.
Is that all right?

Well, it depends. Has she got money?

Dunno. I've never seen any of it.

So, are you two
seeing each other now?

Well... She's keen, obvs,
but I dunno, it's tricky.

She's nice and all, but I think
I could do so much better.

Oh, well, at least you've got one
thing in common. Eh?

So, I guess, if all goes well with
Lisa Marie,

you might think about moving
her into the flat.

Well, as much as splitting the rent
three ways would help me

out right now, the last thing
I need is 24/7 brain damage on tap.

Brain damage? Women - brain damage.

I wasn't really thinking about
splitting the rent three ways.

I was thinking... maybe I'd move out.

You are joking!

What would I do without you?
Very funny!

No, I'm serious, mate!
I love us sharing a flat together.

Well, you're hardly there.
Well, that doesn't matter.

We live together and I love that.

I mean, our Brian's in Leeds.

I haven't seen our Martin in years

and haven't had anything to do
with me dad since me mam died.

You're my family now, mate.

We weren't going to be flatmates
forever, though, were we?

You know, I'm back with Karen now.

Yeah.

But I'm assuming you're going to
play the long game on that.

I mean, she's only just
recently divorced.

She's not going to do anything daft,
is she? What do you mean, daft?

Hiya! Now then.

All right, Mike? Day off?
Yeah, I have actually.

In fact I've got better things to be
doing than hanging around

with this one. Do you want a coffee?

I've just ordered a large skinny
cappuccino outside,

but I've just realised
that I've come out with no money.

Well, I'll cancel it on me
way out if you want?

Yeah, Mike's paying for mine,

cos there's something wrong
with me bank card.

Yeah, it's stuck
to the inside of his pocket!

All right, I'll get yous a coffee.

You owe me a pint. See yous later.
Aw! Thanks, Mike!

So, we meet again!

Yeah, well, I just thought cos
I'm on an early lunch, so...

Oh, erm, well, I'd offer you
something to eat, but Mike's gone.

Is he all right?
He seems a bit down.

I think he's still getting a bit
of grief off Karen

about the whole Hayley Cox thing.

Thank you! What about Hayley Cox?

Don't you know?

Karen caught Mike snogging
Hayley Cox outside The Ship

a couple of weeks ago. Oh, my God!
She told me he got off with someone.

She didn't say it was Hayley Cox!
She's rank. Mm.

They reckon she went through
half of Scarborough

while her fella was in prison.
Oh, aye? That include you?

Me?! Pffff...

Got to be joking!

I mean, you know, I'm not saying,
you know, she didn't try.

But you've seen her fella,
Tony Peroni.

We're a very similar type, you know.

Sorry. You all right?

Mm-hm, yeah.

No, no, I'd like to think
I can do slightly better than

the likes of Hayley Cox.
You certainly can.

Thank you very much for waiting,
Mrs Jewel, you've been very patient.

I don't want any!

Would you like another tea,
Mrs Stokes?

Mrs Stokes?

Mrs Stokes?

Mandy!

Mandy...

What? It's Mrs Stokes.
Yeah, I know it is.

Yeah, but she's not moving.

Well, she's asleep.
I can hear like a gurgling sound.

No, no, that's the radiators.

They've needed bleeding
since Christmas.

Where are you going? Sorry,
Mrs Lucas. What are you looking for?

What, what are you doing?

There's no point in doing her hair
if she can't pay for it!

No! You put a mirror in front
of the face

and, if it steams up, they're
breathing. I saw it on Columbo.

What are you doing, watching
Columbo? Me nanna likes it.

She's got the box-set.

She can name all the guest stars
in each episode from the pilot

to series ten. Well, go on, then!

I don't know 'em, it's me nanna
who's obsessed with it.

No, I mean do the thing
with the mirror! Oh. Right.

What do you think you're
playing at?!

I'm sorry, Mrs Stokes, Geraldine
thought you were dead.

Dead?!

I'm so sorry, Mrs Stokes.
I was fast asleep.

What were you doing with
that mirror?

I've never been so terrified.
Yes, I'm sorry.

That will have been your reflection.

I beg your pardon? Er...

What I mean is, Mandy put
the mirror in front of you

so we could see
if you were still breathing.

Have we come at a bad time?

Oh, hello. Er, no.

Everything's absolutely fine.
How can we help you?

Am I going to be waiting
much longer?

I only came in for a comb up!

I'll be with you in a moment,
Mrs Jewel.

I'm just attending to the police.

How can I help you?

As you can see, we are quite busy.

We need to have another word
with you, Mrs Payne.

Well, as you can see, it isn't
entirely convenient at the moment.

Could I give you
a ring during the week?

We'd like you to come
down to the station.

No, I'm sorry. Absolutely not,
that's out of the question.

We're short-staffed as it is.

We could discuss the contents of
the late Mrs Buckham's handbag here

if you want, Mrs Payne?

But something tells me you're
the kind of person who prefers

an Imodium of privacy
in such matters.

You're not under arrest,

but I strongly suggest it is in
your best interests to accompany us

down to the station, so we can
discuss the matter in private.

Could I not just attend to
Mrs Jewel?

As she said,
she's only come in for a comb up.

Please, Mrs Payne.
You go, Geraldine.

I can put a comb through
Mrs Jewel's hair.

Put a comb through Mrs Jewel's
hair?! You must be joking!

I saw you trying to make
a corned beef sandwich earlier.

That back room looked like Dresden!

We'll wait in the car.

And it's "modicum of privacy".

What did I say? Oh, shut up!

Am I going to get that
comb up or what?

And this is the living room.

Obviously, sometimes I have to
give rentals a hard sell,

but this time, Michael...
It's Mike.

Apologies, Mike. Quite right.
I'm Rick, never Richard.

Well, I'm going to say nothing
and let the view do the talking.

Well, what do you think? I thought
you were going to say nothing?

I bet you weren't expecting
this, were you?

What, a view of Scarborough?

A spectacular view in a property
of this calibre for 700 a month.

700 a month?!

We said our upper limit were 500.

Sea view, full GCH, contemporary
open-plan living, fully furnished.

You can't put a price on that.

Well, you just did
and it's 200 quid over our budget.

Well, you didn't like the last two
places I showed you,

so I thought I'd up the ante.

Well, we didn't like the last two
places you showed us,

cos they were horrible!

Look, I'm not being funny,

it's just going to be you two
in this flat, isn't it? Yeah, why?

Then why are you
looking at two-bedders?

I mean, it's not like you're going
to be having any kids now, is it?

You what? Sorry. You could obviously
adopt, but you didn't say that.

How old do you think we are?

Dunno, 40? 50? 50?!

Somewhere in between. I'm 37!

All right!
So I'm crap at guessing ages.

You're not so good at being
an estate agent either!

Leave it, Mike. Come on,
we'll come back another day.

While we're on the subject
of ages, how old are you? 11?

I'm nearly 20. And I'm actually
Estate Agent Of The Year.

Oh, are you? What year was that?
Third year juniors?

Oh, very mature.

Oh, you expected a bit more, did
you, from a man in his late 50s?

You know, for someone so old,
you're acting very childish.

Right, come on.
Thank you for your time.

You're calling me childish?

Yeah, I am.
Yeah, well, you're childish.

You're childish. No, you're
childish. No, you're childish.

Er, no, actually, I think
you'll find you're childish.

No, you're childish!

Well, if I'm so childish,
you won't be surprised

if you end up with a Chinese burn.
Old and racist.

You know, on second thoughts,

I don't think this apartment block
is right for you, Michael.

How's that racist? And it's Mike,
thank you, Richard,

short for Dick! Well, long for Dick!

You know, I don't think I'll have
a problem getting you black-listed

with ALL the Scarborough
estate agents.

Ha! Blacklisted!
Now who's the racist?

Are you drunk?

Up yours! Yeah, do you hear me?

Up yours.
Yeah, and do you know what else?

What? Your hair's shit as well!

Mike, come on! This is embarrassing.

Yeah, go home with your mam.

Do you want a punch in the face?

No. Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Stay classy.

You nearly got a slap in the face
then, off a girl.

A Chinese burn?

Really?

Really?

You don't want to live with me
now, do you?

What, in case
you give me a Chinese burn?

Are you really not allowed to
say Chinese burn?

That can't be right, can it?

Are you still allowed to say
Chinese takeaway?

Have you told Bigsy
you're moving out?

Yeah.

And what did he say?

Yeah... yeah, he was
all right with it.

So, you've told Bigsy that
you're moving out?

Mm-hm.

Yeah, but I didn't go into detail.

I dropped a lot of hints.
You dropped a lot of hints?

You were talking about getting
married the other day.

Well, our wedding night's
going to be great, isn't it?

Bigsy farting in the next room.

That estate agent's really
annoyed you, hasn't he?

You've really annoyed me. It's when
he thought you were me mam.

That's what sent you over the edge.
He did not think I were your mam.

He were commenting on how
childish you were being.

I mean, I nearly lost me rag myself

when he said we were too old to
have kids. Well...

Well, what?
Well, I am 40 this year.

You don't look it.
What's that got to do with anything?

Well, what's being 40 got to do with
not being able to have a baby?

Remember Sharon Figgis? No.

You do! Sharon Figgis.

Used to sing with Johnny Pat.

Big Sharon! Once shaved her head
for charity and it never grew back.

I don't know who you mean.
Well, anyway, she's 50,

just had another pair of twins.

That's seven kids she's got.

She's like a cat!

It's not just age that stops
people having kids.

What, you don't want kids?

I didn't say that.
Well, we tried before.

Mike, that were, like,
eight, ten years ago.

40's not too old to have a baby.

We are not old. I know.
I mean we're not even a bit old!

In fact, we're still young.

Steady on.

And do you know why? Go on.
Because it's all up here.

Age - it's in the mind.

Right... come on.

Where are we going? Come on!

Where are we going?

Mike!

Fine.

See you.

I'll tell you tomorrow.

I can't - my sister's here.

OK, bye.

See you... For God's sake,
I may as well walk home on me own.

OK, no, yeah. I've gotta go.
Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

You have got it so bad for Bigsy!

No, I haven't.

Bye. See you.

Bye. See you. Bye.

See you. Bye.

Shut up!

I'm only joking, I think it's cute.

Yeah, we've just gotta get you
hooked up now, ain't we?

I'm not bothered. Maybe we should
start going out somewhere else?

I quite like The Ship.

Yeah, but, let's face it, it's not
exactly overflowing with fitties,

is it? Apart from Bigsy.

I think someone at The Ship's
been flirting with me.

Who? I might be wrong.

Who?! Well, they're always really
smiley and you know

when someone smiles back and then
they smile for a bit too long?

Who?! Well, it can't be anyone our
age, cos everybody who goes there is

either ten years younger than us
or 20 years older.

That's why I'm saying
we should go somewhere else.

It's not a customer,
it's somebody who works there.

Oh, my God! Not Jack?!

God, no.

Well, there isn't anyone else.

Jess.

Jess?!

She's just really smiley
when I talk to her.

She smiles at everyone.

I mean... really, really smiley.

Oh, my God!

I probably wouldn't say no.

Er, are you trying to tell me
something, Mand?

No.

Yeah, I probably wouldn't say no,
either, actually.

She is pretty fit, isn't she?
Right, let's get home.

Unless, er, you fancy one
in The Ship?

All right!

I'm going to kill you!

You're only as young as you feel!

I feel... sick!

Look, there's Yolanda! Yolanda!
Yolanda!

Woo!

Get in the queue
for this ride, it's great!

It's the best ride in the park.

Have you not seen Facebook?
You what?

Geraldine's been arrested.
Yolanda, what are you saying?

Geraldine from the salon...

..she's been arrested.
I can't hear you!

I should have worn a sports bra!
So should I!

Where are you going, you misery?

Get in the queue for this,
it's brilliant!

Oh, my God, I'm going
to be sick! Oh, ho-ho!

# But we're all right

# Got some cash,
bought some wheels

# Took it out, through some fields

# Lost control, hit a wall

# But we're all right

# Are we like you?

# I can't be sure

# Of the scene as she turns

# We are strange in our worlds

# But we are young,
we run green... #