Scarborough (2019): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Continuing Misfortune Of Geraldine Payne - full transcript

What do you think about us
two moving in together? Moving in?

I want to spend the rest of me
life with you. Do ya?

Geraldine tips all the money
out of her bag.

How much was there?
This is confidential, isn't it?

Gerry, are you OK?

It's just that things are a bit

strained at the moment, financially.

Nobody refuses the Peronis.
I don't want any trouble.

I don't think you understand who
you are dealing with.

You've seen her fella, Tony Peroni.

We're a very similar type, you know?



Why are you looking at two bedders?
It's not like you're going to be

having any kids now, is it?
You what?

I like to think I can do slightly
better than the likes of Hayley Cox.

You certainly can.

Have you not seen Facebook?

You what?

Geraldine's been arrested!

I'm sorry about the mugs, Karen,

but my teapot's got a crack in it

and my other's one's Spode,

so it's only really for display.

Right, biscuits.

Raymond was so handsome, Gerry.

You know he was once in a film?



I bet. He were bloody gorgeous.

Who else was in it?

I'm not sure.

It was a training film on
how to operate a lathe

under EU regulations.

I don't suppose there's much
call for it now.

Oh, bloody hell, Gerry,
what have you put in that tea?

Oh, sorry, you must've got mine.

Just a small tot of sherry -

purely medicinal.

As you know, I don't really drink,

but I did make a trifle over
Christmas, and I bought

a couple of bottles of Tio Pepe just
to liven it up, you know?

A couple of bottles?
How big was the trifle?

Oh, it was a two for one.

Right, I need to talk to you
before Lisa Marie gets here.

Well, you'd better hurry up.
She'll be here in a minute.

First of all, thank you

so much for coming to the police
station yesterday.

Of course we came.
I'm just glad you got it sorted.

Oh, well, you say that, they
called me this morning.

Who? The police?

They say they have a witness who
saw me with the money.

Who?

I'll get that. It'll be Lisa Marie.

Not Lisa Marie?

Well, let's find out.

Oh. Yolanda?

Yolanda?

Yolanda!

Not you.

Oh, there you are.
Where've you been?

Put a bloody bell on you.

I went out for some exercise.

Exercise! What do you think this is
- legs, bums and tums?

Come on. Get back in your box.

Lord Of The Rings won't read itself.

I'm not reading Lord Of The Rings.

I don't like Tolkien.
No, I know you don't.

I've had better conversations with
the donkeys on the beach.

J.R.R. Tolkien. Yes, I know.

It was a joke. I'm not thick.

What you onto now? Don Quixote.

Hey, look at that.
I just read your mind.

I just said donkeys.

I don't know why I bother.

Captain Bombigsy,
we have you surrounded.

Put your weapons down and your
hands up.

Yeah. You all right? Yeah.

Oh, shit, I gotta go,
gotta go. Bye-bye.

Hey, put your book down.

It's Dr Death. Dr Death's here.

All right, Brian? How goes it?

Terrible. It's just taken me two
hours to get here from Penistone.

Two hours? What did you do - walk?

Would've been quicker.

Luckily I have as much faith
in the A64 as I do Barnsley winning

the Champions League,

so I'm still 45 minutes early.

Right, I'm going to get a decent
coffee from next door.

Won't be long.

Oh, well, we're all right, thanks.

What's that about? What?

Dr Death - what's he doing here?

Oh, you've got interviews today.

Interviews!

You make a terrible PA, Yolanda.

Interviews aren't till the 16th.

Oh, shit.

Lisa Marie, we're not suggesting
you've been gossiping.

We all know what it's like.
Scarborough's a small town.

Look, I came here for
a staff meeting

and so far all you've done
is treat me like a suspect.

So you categorically didn't tell
anybody about Geraldine

taking Mrs Bookham's money?

How many times?

I didn't tell anybody.

Not even Mandy?

Brilliant.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

What? Mandy's me sister.

Of course
I'm going to tell her stuff.

So much for not being a gossip.

She's me sister.

Now we know who told the police.

Are you calling my sister a grass?

I knew it was a mistake taking
Mandy on cash-in-hand.

You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

What? I beg your pardon?

Geraldine, you can't go accusing
Mandy of telling the police

when she's not here. Exactly.

Well, it's the only explanation.

The only people who knew about that
money were the people in this room.

In this room.

What?

When we came back here the night
Mrs Bookham died, you emptied

the money out on that sofa.

The only people that were in this
room were me, you...

..and me mother.

It's D-day.

Maureen and Harry have
a decision to make.

Do they stay here in Bradford?

Or do they go and take the plunge

and put a deposit down on their two
bedroom apartment in Albir

in the sunny Costa Brava?

Mam?

Where would you say that
dress is from? What?

That dress she's wearing -
where would you say it's from?

I've no idea. Mam?

It's New Look. I've seen it.

Ha, you'd think they'd give them

something better than New Look to
wear on the BBC.

Mother, I need to talk to you.

Oh, forget that. I'm going mad.

I'm on ITV.
That explains everything...

Mother! What?!

Look, I need to speak to you.

Well, make it snappy.

I've got Mr Ferris coming
round for coffee in half an hour.

Did you tell anybody about the money
that Geraldine had

in her handbag the night Mrs Bookham
died at the salon?

Of course I didn't.

Who am I going to tell?

So, you didn't talk about it to the
policeman who came here after

Mr Ferris' break in?

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

No, no, no, listen.

We're fine, because it was
completely off the record.

Do you realise what you've done?

Geraldine could go to
prison for this.

He said we were just having
a natter.

And if Geraldine gets locked up,
what do I do for a job?

I'll ring the police.

I'll retract everything I said.

Where are you going?
I'm going to work.

Oh, stay for a bit.

Mr Ferris is coming round!

I'm going to work!

Can you do the towels,
please, Lisa Marie? Yeah.

Oh, Lisa Marie?

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I didn't catch that.

I'm sorry.

I'll say it as many times
as you like.

I'm truly and sincerely sorry.

I'll do the towels.

Oh, hello, Mandy, love.

Can you go and help your sister
with the towels, please?

Geraldine, can I have a word?

Yes, of course you can.

I just want you to know
I would never tell anybody

anything about your business.

Lisa Marie texted me.

It was just a bit
of a misunderstanding.

I really like working here.

I didn't think I would
but I love it.

And I'd love to learn
more about hairdressing as well.

I know I'm only here to tidy up
and make tea but I used to have

a Girl's World and I was really good
at it. You know, where you pull

the hair out of the top of the
doll's head to style it?

Well, you can't do that
to our customers.

I've seen more
hair on a boiled sweet.

But that's part of the skill.

Take Mrs Dainty the other day -

she came in looking like
a dandelion, but after you finished

with her she looked
like Cheryl Cole.

I think she looked more like
George Cole, actually,

but I'll take the compliment.

Thank you, Mandy.
That's very kind of you.

Afternoon, Mrs Butterworth.
My, you're looking well.

Oh, thank you. Shall we get that
coat off ya?

Oh, I am sorry.

About what?

Well, walking through your
front door

and making a bolt for
your smallest room.

Well, when you've got to go,
you've got to go.

I'll shut that door.

That's better.

Your toilet window is painted
over... Oh.

..and that smell could break up
a picket line.

Better out than in.

So, how have you been?

Not that regular,
as you can probably tell.

No, no, no,
I meant after your burglary.

Oh, I see.

Well, I tell you something -
I'm not a religious man,

but I must say I'd like to see
them crucified.

I'd say bring back hanging,
but it'd be too good for them.

Milk and sugar?
Yes, please, two sugars.

Do you know - we had
a break-in on Garfield Road.

They smashed all my Capodimonte.

I could've wept, but I didn't.

I wasn't going to give them
the pleasure.

You never lived on Garfield Road?

Mm, number 12.

I was born in Number Ten.

Never! When did you live there?

George and I moved in there in '66

and we stayed there for ten years,

so we moved here in '76.

No, no, it was '77, actually,
because I remember

we were still packing the night
before when we heard

that Elvis had died.

Ah. They played his songs
on the wireless all night.

George was in the pub but me
and me mother,

we sat amongst the plates and the
newspapers and we cried and cried.

I never met George.

No, well, he died in '96.

How old was he when he died,
if you don't mind my asking?

52. Oh, I am sorry.

That's no age at all, is it?

No, and it broke my heart.

But we had 30 wonderful, happy years

and how many people can say that?

Not me.

But you were married, weren't you?

Well, yes, I was - 25 years.

None of them were happy
or wonderful.

Oh, that's a shame.

Aye, it wasn't ideal.

If I had to give you a word to
describe Agatha it would be...

..unbearable.

Oh, dear.

Got married on the Friday.

I never said a word to her till
the following Monday.

You didn't fall
out from day one, did you? No.

I just didn't want to interrupt.

Oh, you, you devil!

Oh, now tea.

I'm hungry.

Oh, you should've said.

Now, er, I haven't got much in but
I could rustle you up an omelette.

You know what I really fancy? Mm?

Fish and chips.

Ooh, now, I've got some fish fingers
in the freezer.

I've got an app. A what?

I've got an app.

Tap in your order here, give
the address and a lad will bring

up two cod and chips to the front
door on a bike in 15 minutes.

Can you make it 20?

Why's that? I like me batter crisp.

Well, thank you, Wesley,
it's been an unparalleled pleasure.

Did I get it?

I beg your pardon?

I just wondered did I get it?

Sorry, still not catching what
you're saying.

Did he get it?

He's wondering if he got the
job. Aye.

I'm sorry, Wesley, I can't
tell you that.

We'll be in touch via
the Jobcentre.

Mam said I wouldn't get it, but I
told her. I said, "Ma, I'll get it."

I'm sorry, lad, I haven't got a clue
what you're saying.

He says that his mam
said that he wouldn't get it

but he thought that he might. Yeah.

Ring the Jobcentre in the morning.

What you saying - I didn't get it?

No, you didn't get it, Wesley,
and is there any wonder?

Open your bloody mouth
when you speak, man!

Sorry.

You didn't get it.

I don't think
I can take much more of this.

I don't understand how
half of these got interviews.

We haven't got
the manpower to process applicants,

so they just get sent
direct from the Jobcentre.

It's not an ideal arrangement.

Right, last one.

Let's pray for an IQ
in double figures.

Come in!

Bigsy? What you doing?

I said I'd ring you back.

I'm in the middle of interviews.
Er, Barry Dixon, 1230.

Sorry I'm late.

Then he says because
we know each other I've gotta step

out of the room, so Bigsy can have
some sort of impartial interview.

Yolanda, are you listening to me?
No.

Well, thank you very much, Mr Dixon,

we'll be in touch via
the Jobcentre.

Well, yeah, thank you very much,
Mr De'ath and don't forget -

just the tiniest bit of lemon juice.
Oh, lifts the whole thing.

Aye, I'll try that. Yeah.

I'll see you in The Ship
later, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, what a lovely fella.

I beg your pardon?

Why didn't you tell me

you knew someone who used to
work in Vegas casinos?

Do I?

With his experience he could be on
the maintenance team in no time.

Aye, not a bad result after
a terrible start.

Right, I'd better get back
on that A64

if I don't want me dinner
in the dog.

I'll speak to you tomorrow.

Bloody world's gone mad.

What do you reckon, Yolanda?

Yeah, thought as much.

Well, there were far too many chips,

but I have to say that fish
was second to none.

I'm glad to see you
put your vinegar on first.

Well, of course I do,
else it'll wash all the salt off.

Exactly. You try telling people
that - they pay no notice.

There's a word for those people -

buffoons.

I like you, Marion.

You pull no punches.

And I like you too, Des.

It's funny, though -
ten years as neighbours

and then it takes something like a
break-in to get us talking properly.

Well, when you first
moved in I thought you were

the sort of man who'd
prefer to keep himself to himself.

Well, yes, you're right - I was.

Well, there's nothing wrong
with that.

I was going through a very
significant period of my life.

Pivotal, you might say.

Well, divorce can be very stressful.

I know my daughter went through
absolute torment

when she and her husband parted.

No, it wasn't the divorce.

That came as something of a relief.

It was something else.

Oh? Marion, I don't want to put
you on the spot,

but can I be candid with you?

Is everything all right?

When my marriage ended,
through no fault of my own,

I realised I was free.

Free... to be me.

Marion, I'm...

I'm so pleased to spend some
time with you.

Was there something more
you wanted to say?

Nothing that won't keep.

I'd best be off.

Oh, you don't have to go.

No, I'd better.

I've got some
brisket in my slow cooker.

I'd better keep an eye on it.

I'm making some meat
and potato pies.

Maybe I can bring you one
round tomorrow?

Oh, I'd like that.

Oh, I've had a lovely afternoon.

So have I, Des, so have I.

Marion? Mm?

This may seem inappropriate,

but can I give you a hug?

Come here.

I'll be off.

Right, I'll see you out.

And I want one of them
pies tomorrow.

One of them? I bought five pound
of brisket -

we'll be eating
those for the rest of the month.

Thank you.

Can I get you a glass of something
while you're waiting?

Well, I don't really drink.

Um, maybe something light?

A sparkling water?

Not that light!

What white wines do you have?

We've got a nice Pinot Grigio.

Is there such a thing?

Pinot's very popular with
the locals.

Yes, so was Gaddafi.

I'll have a glass
of the Sancerre, please.

Very large.

Thank you.

Vito, you're looking well.

Mrs Payne.

Mr Peroni.

Lovely to meet you at last.

Please call me Tony.

Oh!

I'm Geraldine.

Of course.

Beautiful name.

Oh, thank you.

I was named after my father.

Oh, he was Gerald, obviously.

What would you like to drink?

I've ordered a small white wine.

No, I said I didn't want
the sparkling water.

The water is for me.

Oh, well, if you're not drinking,
I won't.

No, no, I insist.

Well, if you put it like that.
I do.

You, Mr Peroni,
are a very persuasive man.

I like to think so.

So, that's it, is it? Case closed?

I'm sure you can appreciate how
busy we are, Mr Ferris.

That wasn't my question.

Are you still looking for the person
who broke into my house?

Every burglary in the area
is of concern to us.

We'd never think of you as merely
a statistic.

What's your favourite colour?

I beg your pardon?

What's your favourite colour?

Why do you want to know that?

I don't. I just wanted to see

if you're capable of answering
a straightforward question.

We'll be in touch
if we gain any more intelligence.

Out of the mouths of babes.

I'm sorry?

He's got a point, though.

Er, rinsing mugs?

Are you trying to
put my sister out of a job?

It's all right. I'm quite
enjoying it.

Have you done Mrs Dodd's comb up?

No.

Oh, Lisa Marie, I'm ready to go.

Mandy did it.

What?

Oh, my God.

Is it no good?

Well, for a first time
it's brilliant,

but where did you learn to do this?

Er, it runs in the family.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Right, well, if you've finished
gawping I've got drains to clean.

I'll settle up with Gerry
when I see her.

Yes, absolutely.

Thank you, Mrs Dodd.

'king hell.

You smashed it.

Well, you kept that quiet.

So, let me just get this absolutely
clear, Mrs Norris.

You're saying that at no point did
you see Mrs Payne with any money?

What? Geraldine? No.

And when you told PC Merrick you'd
seen Mrs Payne empty

thousands of pounds on her sofa,
you were actually remembering,

and I quote, "A scene
from a television documentary

"I watched that night where
a woman had embezzled

"money from a charity for dogs
with no legs."

That's right.

So, if we look in the TV listings
for that night,

we should be able to find
this documentary.

Oh, I imagine so,

though my memory's not what
it used to be.

Oh, will you look at that?

I've put milk in the teapot again.

Yeah, I found my slippers
in the fridge the other day.

See, I get so confused.

Oh, now, what were you saying
about cats with no legs?

Thank you for your time, Mrs Norris.

PC Merrick? Just one more thing,
Mrs Norris.

Who's our current Prime Minister?

Oh, that's easy, it's Des O'Connor.

Thank you, PC Merrick.

We'll see ourselves out.

And the same on the following pages
where it is marked and then

all the signatures again, the second
contract, which is your copy.

I can't tell you what
a relief this is, Tony.

I hope you didn't mind me
drawing up a contract,

just in case we agree terms.

Who wouldn't agree on these terms?

I mean, it's literally just one,
two, three...

..22 points of agreement, you know,
or whatever, to, um,

cover you and me in case of...

Well, you know, in case one of us
decides to, um, you know,

I mean, well, it's just...

It's just to make everything
official, isn't it?

I couldn't have put it
better myself.

Can I just check something,
as I'm a bit confused?

Please, anything.

The £10,000 you'll
spend on the salon...

..that's separate from my £10,000.

Well, not mine, of course, I mean
the business.

The remodelling budget is 10,000,

the other 10K is for you to
spend as you please.

It's like a dream come true.

You've earned this money, Gerry.

You put 35 years of your life into
this business.

Finally it is payday.

Tony, I have been absolutely
fraught with worry.

Those days are behind you.

You cannot lose. Your position
as manageress is secure

and you will take home a weekly
wage, as outlined in the contract,

as long as the salon
is making a profit.

And it will make a profit, won't it?

Because of all the renovations
we're having done.

You know, Gerry,
you are very naughty.

Here at Giovanni's, we try to create
an understated ambience

but your smile...

That smile is lighting
up my entire restaurant.

To the salon!

To Geraldine's Of Scarborough.

Here's to the
Vidal Sassoon of Scarborough.

It were just a comb up. Hey, do you
think we should ask Geraldine

if Mandy can do some styling?

I think we should introduce Mandy's
hidden talents very slowly.

Bugger that. If you're as good as
they say you are,

open your own salon -
see how Geraldine likes that.

Hey, guess what? What?

You know that thing I put
on Facebook

about us looking for a flat?

No. What you telling
people our business for?

Oh, shut up, you misery.

Guess who replied?

Someone with a flat to rent?

Well, yeah, obviously, but who?

I've no idea.
Give us a question on sport.

Mrs Higginbottom.

Used to live next door to us
down on Westover Road?

Oh, Mrs Higginbottom.

Why didn't I think of that?

Well, you won't be so sarcastic when
I tell you what she's offered us.

Her son's two-bed flat above hers.

£300 a month.

What's wrong with it? Nothing.

He's got chronic OCD, like his
mother, so it'll be spotless.

What, it's definitely
available? Yeah.

Six months? Yeah, well, longer
if he likes his new job.

I mean, I don't mind moving again
after six months,

not for £300 a month.

We can go see it on Monday. Wow.

Looks like we'll be moving
in together sooner than we thought.

Right, when you open your own salon,
I want me hair all long

and curly on the one side.

It was just a comb up. I don't know
nothing about cutting hair.

The last thing Scarborough needs is
another hair salon right now.

We're lucky if Geraldine's
stays open.

Oh, don't say that,
I've only just started. Kaz?

Well, the salon is going through
a few problems at the moment.

How bad is it?

I think it's pretty serious.

Geraldine had a meeting today with
a potential investor,

so we won't know what's happening
until after that meeting.

I think it went all right.

Well, do you want the good news
or the good news?

You all right, Geraldine?

Oh, am I all right? Am I all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
Karen, I'm certainly all right.

Have you had your meeting?

I did, and I can safely say
Geraldine Payne is back in business.

What, have you bought a pub?

A what? An off-licence?

So, have you got your investor?

I went into that meeting for a minor
investment to keep us afloat

and I came away with
a £10,000 refurbishment,

guaranteed income
and a tidy nest egg for myself.

Geraldine, that's amazing.
Oh, my God.

Look at you, we'll get you on that
Dragons' Den.

Oh, we're saved.

After 35 years of business,
Geraldine's Of Scarborough is saved.

Who is this investor?

I might try and get a couple of quid
for myself.

Oh, a lovely fella.

He's also said he'll mentor me

in the running of the business,
too. Ooh.

His name's Tony Peroni. You know,
the Peroni's ice creams?

More glasses! We need more glasses!