Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

Geoff: I mean, I realise I was
actually medicating my anger.

But my blood runs cold when I think back
to the stuff I did when I was out of it.

Anything I could lay my
hands on. Booze, heroin.

I smashed up a
brand new BMW 850i.

The hookers I was with, well,
they must have been psychic,

'cause they jumped
out five minutes before

I wrapped that
thing around a tree.

The doctor told me I severed three
tendons in this arm, broke this wrist.

Got up, went to the nearest bar,

like some crazy
latter-day dandy,

ordered a double Jack and racked
up a line of the devil's dandruff.



[Exhales]

Well, thank you, Geoff.

That sounds harrowing.

Oh, it was, my friend.

Would anybody else like to
share any similar... Tommy?

Yeah, no, just listening to Geoff's story
brought back some bad memories for me

about when I was so high
on drugs and fat from pies

I went out and drove over
a puppy, a really cute one,

and then I ate it.

Erm...

And then I was thirsty. I ended up
drinking the acid from my car battery.

Erm... and I was tripping so much I
actually fell into some farmyard machinery.

Now, that was harrowing.

I severed all the tendons in my
head, shoulders, knees and toes,



and eyes and ears
and mouth and nose,

but, crucially, my head, shoulders,
knees and toes, knees and toes.

And the doctors who were charged
with re-attaching the tendons on my head

botched the job, because
they were high on drugs, too.

And they unbelievably stitched
my head on back-to-front,

so whenever I tried
to move forward,

I ended up taking
two steps back.

Tommy, are you gonna
take this seriously?

And, shamefully, I stole a live
dolphin and used it as a bong,

smoking through the blow hole.

[Imitates puffing]

[Clicking and puffing]

-So who's won the competition?
-What competition?

You know, the "I'm
dead interesting because

"I was the baddest-behaved
person on drugs" Competition.

It's not a competition, Tommy.
This is very important to Geoff.

Yeah, this is actually very serious
for me. I was living on the edge.

Well, you were living
on the edge of windsor.

Shine on, you crazy
diamond-slash-financial adviser.

Hang on a minute, you
hippy prick, why would I...

Don't take it personally, dude!

Just keep it in perspective.

You used to be a total dick,
now you're just a bit of a dick.

Welcome to dick club.

[Theme music playing]

See that? There's no way
he is a left-handed guitarist.

They just flipped the image.

I should know. I rigged his
stack on the snow goosetour.

Did you want half-price
chocolate with that?

With mojo, it should be
half-price Moroccan black.

No, it's just galaxy.

Yeah, no, you know
you're all right. I'm just...

I get this delivered.

-Who is it?
-Loading bay to qr, house lights down in five.

-Say something else.
-[Grunts] I'm having a heart attack!

-Dunc!
-Tommy saxondale.

Dunc the skunk. How the devil...

-How long's it been?
-Ah, I've been out of the business for a while now.

I think my last gig was
live aid. I did the hose.

All those wet t-shirts.

Everywhere you looked, two
bald men fighting under a sack.

Chapel hat-pegs were in
attendance, I'll be bound.

A preponderance of scammell
wheel nuts in the vicinity.

-Yep, jcb starter buttons ahoy.
-Oh!

This is the BBC world service.

It raised a lot of
money for starving kids.

-Yeah, that's true enough.
-That was good, yeah.

-This is, uh, Raymond, my assistant.
-All right.

Wow. You're not telling me
you take orders from this maniac?

[Laughing] Well,
you know, sometimes.

He does.

The stories of this guy on
the led zep tour are legendary.

-That was deep purple.
-Oh, right.

You never did tour
with led zep, did you?

No. So what are
you up to these days?

I'm doing meals on wheels.

Still on the road! [Both laugh]

You just swapped the Marshall
amps for heated trolleys.

Yeah, these days, it's "House
lights down, mince and onions!"

[both laughing] Splendid.

Hey, you'll never guess who's just
opened a unit at the enterprise zone.

-Who?
-Rabies! [Howls]

-I've got rabies!
-What, Malcolm jessop?

Yeah, he's got a staff of 15.

Hey, do you fancy
going to a gig some time?

Burning it up with
some live sounds?

-Proper seating.
-Yowzer!

Adequate toilet facilities?

-Oh, yeah.
-Smokestack lightning!

Hang on, I think I've got
something here from the old days.

Well, what d'you know!

They still fit. Ah!

You see that? I mean, move on!

Thought he seemed quite nice.

He's all right in small doses.

Five minutes every 20
years I find sufficient.

But don't exceed the dosage

or you'll end up in an old
armchair on top of a skip

wearing a blonde
wig covered in sick.

[Opens car door] Yes,
the past is another country.

They do things
differently there.

Tommy, poppet.
You'll never guess what.

I got asked for my ID
card in a bar the other night.

Can you believe it?

-No.
-And before you say anything,

no, he did not
have a white stick.

Hmm? I can see that's what you're
thinking. Yeah? Oh, you old rascal!

-Honestly, you can pack that in!
-I wasn't thinking that.

-Yeah, you were gonna say, "Did he have..."
-Learning difficulties.

A guide dog. Yeah.

Now, look, I got in there
before you, didn't I? You big gink.

Look at him, he's all fed
up now because I got in first.

-No, I'm not.
-I'm only messing with you, babes.

Right, that's enough of that. Let's
see what we've got on the books.

Oh, Tommy,
pantheon of rock called.

They've got, um,
they've got carpet beetles.

Furniture carpet beetles
or varied carpet beetles?

-They didn't say.
-Who the hell is in charge down there?

Probably turn up and
find it's larder beetles.

Or sawtooth grain beetles.

Or sawtooth grain beetles!

Erm, Vicky, have you got a
Malcolm jessop on your books?

Runs kickstart down
at the industrial estate?

Put me down for
a free inspection.

Ooh, I'll just give your
job number, darling. Yeah?

Me and Malcolm
were complete nutters.

They used to call us
the "Long-haired loonies."

-with good reason.
-Vicky: Um...

I'll tell you later.

Tommy, babes,
you know your hair...

Yeah.

Do you ever put any
products in it, babes?

I use a conditioner
for men. Magz gets it.

-I don't know what it's called.
-Clinique quick detangle.

Yeah, yeah. For men.

Right. Only, I wasn't gonna
say anything, but somebody

reckoned they saw you the
other week outside woolies,

mumbling,

and having a tinkle in
a bin by the escalators.

-But that wasn't you, was it?
-No.

No. No. No! I didn't
think it was, no.

Now, I know you had your problems,
you know, a few years back. Glug, sniff.

But the thing is, darling,
somebody thought it was you.

Yeah, you see? And
I'm only trying to tell you,

as a friend, that...

I've got the hair
of a weeing tramp.

Yeah.

Uh.

Tommy!

Sorry.

Just, uh...

I was just wondering
if you saw that, uh...

Motley crue documentary
on vh1 last night?

No, no, didn't catch that.

I find them a bit... shit.

Oh. Well...

They can make a hell
of a racket, that's for sure.

They can get the
old lugholes ringing.

Yeah, well, so can tinnitus.

Hello.

Hi.

All right, I was just... Was...

To... yeah?

Motley crue? What
does he think I am, 14?

Oh!

Noise-related. Um... I'm having a
problem with the residents' committee,

something about

noise, sounds, your place,
Wednesday night, bit loud.

-Really?
-Yeah. If it were up to me,

god, I'd just say,
"Whack it up!"

-you want me to turn it up?
-No! No, no, no, no. That's not gonna work, no.

Um, I just wondered if you and I
couldn't put our heads together right now

-and brainstorm a solution.
-Yeah, sure. Yeah, let's do it.

Um, Wednesday, I would
have been listening to some cds,

uh, probably... yeah,
seconds outby pink Floyd.

Cracking album.
Can't beat the Floyd.

Oh, hang on...

It's Genesis.

Genesis, of course,
yeah. Great band.

Yeah. Now, I listened to
seconds out. Hang on, was it...

Is it Genesis or Floyd?

Which is it?

Ah.

[Raymond clears throat]

-It's Genesis.
-Flenesis.

Yeah, there it is, we got there.

No, the thing about
listening to Genesis

is that you need
to play it loudly.

The window could have been open,

sound could have escaped
into the surrounding environment.

If I were to close the window,

coupled with a corresponding
reduction in volume, then...

Ah, yeah... That could work.

That's it, isn't it? Close the
window, turn the volume down.

-That's the solution.
-Done.

There it is. Great work!

-You and I should work for the UN.
-We should.

We'd soon sort
out all the, uh...

The mess and the, uh, wars.

-Raymond: This must be it.
-Saxondale: Yeah.

Kickstart media.

"shaking the tree of audio
visual presentation." I bet he is!

You know, that guy may have signed
up for the whole nine-to-five deal,

sometimes you've got
to fight from the inside,

but when he puts
on a business suit,

inside the jacket, there'll be a
bespoke pocket about so big.

You know what he keeps in there?

-A comb?
-One of those.

You can crash us on, kiddo. This
guy's middle name is collateral damage.

Stealth pest control.
All your staff have crabs.

Hey!

I don't believe it!
Tom saxondale.

Guilty as charged.
How the devil are you?

-What you doing, eh? Give us a bear hug.
-Not here.

Not here, right. Rumours aren't
true. We needed the body heat.

So, you rabid dog. How
did you end up in this racket?

-After I came off the road, you know?
-Eh?

-Go on.
-I clocked a gap in the live-pres av market.

What the fuck are you
talking about, you loony?

Well, we slap together live systems
alongside existing powerpoint malarkey

and develop brand distinction
within the presentations field, yeah?

Yeah, yeah? Full moon? [Howls]

It's essentially a niche
within an existing market.

Smack down! Still
one crazy mother.

I haven't forgotten. Oh,
hang on, Caroline, listen,

-tell Tom about the three rules. You'll like this.
-Go on.

-One.
-Learn these three rules.

-Two.
-Only obey the third rule.

-Three.
-Break the rules.

-Four.
-Have a fourth rule just to break the rules again.

[Jessop laughing]

Still kicking in the
doors of perception.

-Absolutely, via interactive media.
-I bloody love it.

If the rule is to
break the rules,

wouldn't you break
the second rule?

Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the
blood of an englishman

who has not done a stateside
trawl with Iggy and the gang.

Do this lot know about your
chequered past, citizen "Co" Kane?

They know enough, all right?

[Saxondale trills]

Hey, be good to catch
up, though, wouldn't it?

I've got to go to this
meeting, but give me a ring.

Guess who I did a job for
six months ago. Roger daltrey!

Wow! I remember the French tour.

Yeah, we had a good
old gas about that.

Yeah, he's got a lovely country
pile in Sussex. Field mice.

He said, "Hello,
pinball wizard!"

'cause he remembered I was
called Tommy, which was lovely.

He said, "I don't know where
these field mice are coming from."

I said, "Well, let's
have a think, Roger.

"field mice. You're
surrounded by fields.

"hmm..." He didn't mind though.

-He's always up for a laugh.
-I've just got this meeting to go to...

I said, "Roger, if you can
get your little finger through,

"a field mouse will get
through because they've got

"a collapsible pelvic girdle
and an oily coating on the fur."

-amazing.
-I'll just finish the story.

I said, "Ironic, isn't it?

"thirty years ago, covered
in grease with a flexible spine

"would have guaranteed you
a backstage pass." [Laughs]

-"now we're trying to get rid of the buggers!"
-Yeah.

-We'll catch up.
-He was on the floor, he was on the fucking floor,

I'm telling you.

-We'll catch up.
-Are you married?

-Yeah? Internet?
-No, she's from Kent.

Slam dunk!

[Whispering] Sorry about that.

Don't be fooled, he's mental.

Woo! Hey, they're all at it.

[Dog barking]

Hee-hee! Look at me and Malcolm!

A right couple of bummer boys.

Pah-rop-per-pom-pom!

-I jest.
-And who are these guys?

Uh, captain beefheart,
road crew. Yeah.

"they shall not grow old
as we that are left grow old."

they didn't die.

Didn't they?

All four of them
got into jazz funk.

They're now living in Dubai.

May they rest in peace.

Okay, I'll see you later, magz.

-See ya.
-I'll get the tickets for those gay clowns.

See you later.

Was she being insulting or did
she literally mean gay clowns?

She literally meant gay clowns.

I'm getting old.

Who's this one
you're working on?

-Emmeline Pankhurst. I'm just finishing her off.
-Saxondale: Are you?

Saxondale: Chained herself to
the railings. See that, Raymond?

That woman single-handedly took on the
establishment and won women the right to vote.

She's very attractive.

And why not? Why not?
Most historians, usually men,

you know, try to Rob the
women's movement of its glamour.

I mean, she could easily be on the
cover of, you know, nutsmagazine.

Precisely. Magz,
I think you've...

You've put paid to the lie

that the campaign for women's
suffrage only involved ugly women.

Roadie: Check. One, two!

Check!

One, two. Two.

Hey, furniture carpet beetle.

We'd better break
out the heavy artillery.

I'll pump up the spray bottles.

Well, where is he? We're supposed
to be doing our sound check.

Shit!

-Is he not coming?
-No.

Gentlemen...

-Sound man gone walkabout?
-Yeah.

Saxondale: It happens.

I am your fairy godmother,
without the corset.

That's for lower back support.

Slightly different.

-Do you know your way around a mixing desk?
-Like I know that.

He knows it like
the back of his hand.

Yeah, they know
what I'm talking about.

I've sound checked for
Genesis, deep purple, the tull...

Led zep?

No... elp, the who,

and a certain four-piece, messrs
Deacon, Taylor, Mercury and may.

-Band members: No! That's cool, man!
-Queen.

They know what I'm
talking about. Yeah.

Aren't you doing a job here?

Raymond, I think you're more
than capable of doing it yourself.

Really?

What's that?

Anthrenus flavipes.

Treatment?

Silica aero gel,
insecticidal dust,

then just hoover
up the dead bodies.

-Go play god.
-All right.

One question. Are you
gentlemen prepared to operate

at decibel levels that will put deep
welt marks in Satan's hindquarters?

-Yeah! Come on!
-You've got to come backstage after the gig.

You'd better believe it, dude.

One more question.

Are you covered insurance-wise
re accidental damage

via currently unlicensed
technician, in the event thereof?

I've got no idea.

Ah, yadda yadda. Fuck it!

Hey hey! Hello, John,
got a new motor?

Got an old motor.
Shall we go in?

-Ah, no. No, no. Hey, show me the beast!
-Ok.

-Wow! So you're still a 'stang man, then, Tommy?
-Yeah.

Yeah, no, yes, just...

I haven't seen this one around.

I don't really roll so
much locally these days.

What, hassle from
the constabulary?

Well, you're never going to
get an easy ride when you're

striking a blow for freedom,
in a world full of automatons.

-Yeah, and it's quite hard to park it.
-Oh, right.

Yeah, that's the other reason.

Yeah. So where did you find her?

I caught this little
cheerleader winking at me

from the exchange and
mart classified photo ads.

Yeah. She's also wriggled her
tush for a couple of speed cameras

in the dunstable area,
but, um, that's another story.

Now, when you kiss
the red line on this cutie,

she wails like a banshee
in the depths of hell.

-With a paper cut on its tongue.
-Good one.

-Sounds like something Jeremy clarkson would say.
-Yeah, it does.

Except he didn't say it.

-I did.
-She's impressive.

Yeah, when you light up
the rear tyres on this mother,

it screams like a bee gee with
his fingers trapped in the car door...

While being gang-raped
by the mujahedin.

[Mimicks Bee Gees]

[High pitched cry]

Yeah, spot on.

That actually was
one of clarkson's, yeah.

He takes it too far, sometimes.
I've got something for you.

Here we go.

Whoa! [Laughing]

Oh, hey. Now,
that takes me back.

What's that? 1975?

-'74.
-Crosby, stills and Nash.

And young. And us.

Shall we take it to your
staff, give them a laugh?

-No, I don't think so, Tommy.
-Show them yourself in your previous incarnation?

-I can't have that, mate.
-I thought you were still shaking the tree?

Oh, yeah. In marketing
terms, yeah. But it's just,

I'm the boss now.

I can't have my staff
seeing me acting like a tit.

-You weren't a tit!
-Yes, I was.

So were you. We were all tits!

You're saying the music industry
in the 1970s was full of tits?

Yes.

In a way, you're right, but, you
know, I don't like your attitude.

You're just dissing the '70s.

You're talking about a 10-year
period that ended 30 years ago.

Ten this, 30 that!

It's all numbers
to you, isn't it?

You're all marketing,
spreadsheets and flow charts.

I used to know a guy who was all denim,
long hair, and mutton-chop sideburns.

Yeah.

In a good way.

Look, Tommy, you can't expect
me to go around running a business

with the same
hairstyle I had in 1974.

Really?

I think Richard Branson'd have something
very interesting to say about that.

He'd say...

"I run an extremely successful business with
exactly the same haircut I had in 1974."

hey look, Tommy, I'm
still kicking ass, all right?

Just in a way that meets
my customers' needs

in a constantly changing
business environment.

If the young man I knew
in 1974 could hear you now,

he'd just say, "Hey,
granddad, don't go laying

"a downer on these
cats. They just don't dig it."

admittedly, that sounds a bit
dated now, but that is what you'd say.

I'm outta here.

Come on, Raymond, let's
saddle up, hit the high road.

They put the car-park
barrier down about now.

I'll get them to
raise it for you.

I don't want anything from you.

Apart from raising the
car-park barrier. Please.

Yeah, I'll have a bit of
that, but nothing else.

Saxondale: Sod him. Let's go
and see a queen tribute band.

Singer: And thank you for
a good evening! Goodnight!

Open up! Vice squad!

Come in.

[Drunkenly] Where are the drugs?
And can I have some, please?

Hey, thanks for helping
with the sound check.

Excuse me? Where's Brian may?

What... are you the band?

Yeah.

You didn't think the wigs
were real, did you, Tommy?

[Band members chuckling]

No. Let's get loaded!

There's some beers in the
fridge. Help yourself, Tommy.

Yeah, who wants one?
One at a time, you maniacs.

No, I'm all right, I've
got a smoothie, thanks.

I've got the bike,
so no, thanks.

-Raymond, do you want...
-No, I'm all right, thanks.

Can I have a tangerine?

Yeah, yeah, go for it.

What you having a tangerine for?

I'm going to save it.

Ahhh.

So...

You've taken your wigs off.

Yeah. Are you going to
take off yours now, Tommy?

No, this is real hair.

Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha.

So you were saying you've worked
with some big bands before now?

Yeah, all the bands, you
know. You name them.

-Led zep?
-Fuck led zep!

Why is it all led zep? Eh?

And what are you doing that for?
Look at me, with my apple Mac.

Like a big executive.

-You all right, mate?
-Saxondale: Yeah.

Let's wreck the joint!

I think you should
probably go now, Tommy.

All right, cool it, bro.

New kid on the block,
you know. I just...

A bit freaked out by all the backstage
craziness, and all the fruit on the floor.

I've done it again!

Raymond: I think maybe
we should make a move.

No, I'm not going.

Come on with it. Come on.

They're not a real band.

Come on.

That is real hair.

And tangerine dream,
they're a real band.

With real hair.

From a long time ago. Thank you.

It's this way.

[Echoes of music and cheering]

Raymond: Tommy?

Oh, hello.

-We've come for the cheque.
-Oh.

-Is...
-He's on his way.

[Crashing]

Hello, Vicky.

[Chuckling] Tommy,
babes! You all right?

Okay, right. I wasn't
going to say anything,

but you know I met Nadia
from big fun office solutions?

Er... no.

Well, she was in curry express
last night and she said that

she saw you trying to moonwalk
in front of two 17-year-old girls.

I mean, what was all that about?

Just having a laugh.

Is that right, Raymond?

I don't know. I wasn't really
paying attention to that.

Well, then, later, she
was at pantheon of rock

and she said she saw you
head-banging to some queen tribute band!

Vicky, why don't you
just stick an electronic tag

on my fucking ankle
and be done with it!

It's only because
I care, sweetheart.

I mean, it's not
like you, is it?

Someone must
have spiked my drink.

Vicky: Oh, Tommy!

It's your real friends that'll
tell it to your face, sweetheart.

Paula said she saw you
mooning away at the dj's booth.

Now I know you're
in not bad shape,

but Paula said that when you dropped
your kecks, it wasn't good, babes!

Now, I am not going to go into
detail in front of Raymond, sweetheart.

But the phrase "Turkey wattle"

was being bandied about.

And that's not right.

Are you all right, Tommy?

You want something to eat?
Some pea-and-ham soup?

Oh, pea-and-ham soup, yeah.

That'd be nice.

Yeah...

You know...

The trouble with
having brass balls is,

as you get older,
they will drop.

If you keep swinging
those beauties,

you're going to give
yourself a black eye.

Will I get a pizza
delivered as well?

Yeah, nice pizza. Mmm.

And an early night for
you. You've had a long day.

Yeah, a long day.
Nice pizza. Early night.

Yeah, comes a time
when you just have to

hand in your gun and badge.

I want extra chillies
on the pizza, though!

You like your
chillies, don't you?

Yeah, some people think
it's too hot, but I don't.

-You don't.
-No.

[Kisses]

-I'll go and order it now.
-As many chillies as they like.

-Doesn't bother me.
-Okay.

Maybe put them on the side.

Can add them as and when.

[Doorbell]

Tommy!

-Dunc!
-Listen, mate, I know it's a bit last-minute,

but if you fancy it, I've got a spare
ticket for the gig at the cathouse.

No, I'm having some pea-and-ham soup
and watching the European election special.

Pity. I've got a spare
seat on the bus.

Bigfoot dropped out. Well,
he's got an arthritic knee.

Jon lord's playing.

He's got a new four-piece.

What, Jon "Deep purple" Lord?

Yes, dr Watson.

Well, if you don't fancy it, if you
don't want to come with the boys,

if you want to stay in with
your pea-and-ham soup

and your European election
special, I suppose that'd be... whoa!

Last one on the tour bus thinks Genesis
were better after Peter Gabriel left!

[Cheers]

-What about your pea-and-ham soup?
-Ah, stick it in the fridge!

I'll microwave it later!