Saxondale (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode #1.7 - full transcript
After a drunken Tommy is rude to her friends Magz goes home to her parents for a while,refusing to answer his calls. He finds it hard to cope without her domestically as well and almost succumbs to temptation with saucy customer Janet. However he determines to remain loyal to his partner and turns down Janet's advances,meeting Magz at the station to organize a romantic reunion.
Another way of learning how to
manage our anger is through role-play.
Tommy, you're a... Traffic
warden. Right? Okay.
Cor, we all get a bit angry when we
get a blooming parking ticket, don't we?
-I'll play the motorist, and, um... We're starting.
-All right.
What's this? You've given me a
ticket? I was only one minute over.
Uh, yeah, I'm a traffic
warden, I'm on commission.
If you don't rip up
that ticket right now,
I'm going to get... Very cross.
Oh, don't get cross,
I'm only doing my job...
Look, can we stop this, please?
I want this to work, I just don't
think... It's not ringing true for me.
Can we just, like, swap,
like, roles for a minute?
-Yeah, well...
-Just for one minute.
-All right, just for a minute.
-Okay. Why did you give me that parking ticket?
You'd exceeded the
allocated time on the metre.
It's only a minute over, and
you saw me running for the car.
Well, it's not that I don't
sympathise with you,
but if I bend the rules for one
person, that wouldn't be fair.
You say you can't, but I know
for a fact that it's within your remit
to exercise some discretion
when it comes to the application
of fixed penalty notices.
So you do have a choice.
You can rip the ticket up,
because it's within your remit,
or I can knock your teeth
so far down your throat
that when you come to
clean them in the morning,
you'll have to stick a
toothbrush up your arse.
In fact, I'll give you such a fucking good
hiding that you'll end up with a twitch.
Um. But then you'll
be arrested, and...
Oh, I'll end up in court before the
judge and I'll say, "I'm very sorry,
"but I didn't get a bike when I
was a kiddie," and he'll understand.
And they'll give me
a hundred quid fine
and make me walk up and
down the canal for a week,
collecting litter with
one of those spiky sticks.
And when it's all over, months later,
when I've completely forgotten about it,
and I'm sitting on a park bench
doing my sudoku with my cafe latte,
and you'll come walking by
and I'll go, "here comes twitch."
You see, that's more the sort of thing, I
think, that'd be, you know, like realistic.
Yeah. Yeah. Could you just say...
it was really working for me, you know,
I really feel I'm moving forward. Yeah.
Shall we have some tea
and biscuits? I'll make it.
When you're spending that
much money on something,
you have to be careful you're not over-egging
the omelette, because you never know
when you're going to get the value
back when you sell the house, and, er...
But we've got these friends
of ours, Ian and Eileen,
they've bought a house, a
three-bedroom semi, up near thiele.
-Mmm!
-They bought it a couple of months before the market
took off and the thing is, they've
managed to sell it, and just...
-To interrupt you...
-Sorry, yeah?
-Sorry, were you going to say something?
-Not really.
It's ever so slightly,
ever so slightly,
doing my head in.
Tommy, don't be so bloody rude!
-Sorry. All right?
-Sorry.
Shouldn't let him out, really.
-man: It's all right.
-He hasn't had a drink for god knows how long.
Woman: Don't,
honestly, don't worry, no.
What were you saying about going
to this... was it a festival or something?
-Yeah, yeah, up in, um, in shrewsbury.
-Right, lovely.
They do it every... Every
three years and it's great.
How's the wine?
Just, um... We go there and I take
like a load of stock from the shop.
How's the wine? How is the wine?
You sell those t-shirts, in the
shop, you make them yourself?
Yeah, yeah, they're
all custom made.
-Well, you always look sort of artistic-y.
-Aw!
Looks like a bum.
-Yeah, it's been lovely though, tonight.
-Yeah, it's been really nice.
Yeah, it's been
really, really lovely.
-Lovely to catch up and, um...
-Woman: Yeah, it has been, yeah.
-Woman: Well, we covered a lot of...
-All right. Good night. Night.
-Good night.
-Saxondale: Sorry about this.
-Tommy?
-Yes?
-Where are you going?
-I'm walking home.
Sweetheart, it's ten miles.
I... I know a short cut.
He's putting my coat on.
I'll get it back for you.
Oh, my god.
-Sorry.
-That's fine.
If you just put it there.
You take care of him, okay?
What are you doing?
We're not home yet!
I'll, um... I'll
sort the bill out.
-Honestly, don't worry.
-I'm so sorry. I'm going to kill him when I get home.
-Are you... Are you going somewhere?
-Yeah, mum and dad's.
-That's spontaneous. How long for?
-A couple of days.
Right.
Great. You deserve it. Do you want
me to give you a run to the station?
-Raymond: Where's magz going, then?
-Nowhere.
Oh, I saw her getting
into a taxi with some bags.
Oh, yeah, she's just gone to
see her folks for a couple of days.
What on god's
green earth is that?
-That's dj Sammy.
-That's just an old Don henley song.
Some chick with a synth
squawking it out in double time.
Backed, and I'm only guessing here,
by an epileptic with a drum machine.
I like them both. DJs
just do it differently.
You know, at one time a dj
would just turn up at the disco,
spin a few cuts, tell you
whose birthday was coming up,
and maybe ask the owner of a green vauxhall
viva to shift it from the fire exit.
Now they don't even introduce the records.
They just go thumpity-thump in between.
It's all sirens,
whoops and whistles.
God knows how they can tell
when the fire alarm's going off.
They just go, "uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,"
all fucking night.
I just like different
things to you.
I mean, you didn't like the same
things as your mum and dad.
I'm not talking about changing
tastes, I'm talking about hard graft.
Guys like me and my
mate, Lenny markham.
We formed a band called Tom tit and
the lugers and it was a bit of a laugh.
You know, Lenny's fingertips were
so calloused from practising the guitar,
you could strike matches on 'em.
These days, if you can operate
windows xp, you've cracked it.
What do they practise, moving
the mouse around on the mat?
They might as well
be working in Dixons.
You shouldn't have had
all that coffee, Tommy.
Eh? Yeah, I know, yeah, you're
spot on, you're spot on, kiddo.
I thought it would shift my
hangover, it's just uppers and downers.
Same old, same old.
Have you got everything?
Yeah, I've packed the sticky
traps and the fresh glue as well.
-Excellent.
-Oh, and the multiple entrance trap.
-You know they catch up to four mice at a time?
-Yeah.
Well, you'd think when one
wanders in, the others would wise up.
But I've seen people
queue for a dido concert.
-There won't be any mice here.
-How come?
Single female, widow, deep
down she knows there's no mice.
She just wants the company.
There's some very lonely people.
Oh, bloody hell!
I was expecting a little
old lady with a blue rinse.
And I was expecting some
old geezer with a sweep over,
but you've still got a
bit of thatch on the roof.
So one out of two, eh?
Bloody cheek! Did you hear that?
Go and get the traps.
-Mice?
-Yes, mice.
All devices are primed.
Eh?
We've laid down some traps
and we'll arrange for a time
to come back and
check up on them.
You should take my number.
Call me for the next visit.
It's okay, I mean, you can just
go straight through the agency.
Well, we'll see you
for the follow up.
Oh, do you always follow up?
Repeatedly...
Until we achieve
full satisfaction.
-Sounds good.
-It's a comprehensive inspection.
It involves... Areas
of good going-over,
finish off with a...
Bit of a mop-up.
You sound very thorough.
I can hardly wait.
So what exactly
does that involve?
Well, we just check
for fresh droppings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and, um, you know,
we remove the dead mice from the traps
and put them in a plastic bag, take
them down the tip and incinerate them.
Raymond... good morning!
Er, you're not picking
up, love? It's me.
Just calling to say, saw a box of
t-shirts in the hallway, you know,
don't know if you want me to put them with
the others or leave them where they are, so,
just, um... yeah, well, I'll talk
to you soon. Um, love you.
Right, let's look round
a dead man's flat.
Darling, I'm home.
Right...
When they call pest control, it normally
means the guy's been dead for some time
before anyone noticed, so
food may have been left out.
It can attract vermin and
we've got to do a report.
You write stuff
down and I'll dictate.
Ugh.
Why, in god's name, do old people
keep drawers full of pens that don't work?
Oh, interesting.
"Dear dad, I got your
letter. I don't want to see you.
"Suddenly, you want to see me, when in
the past you was never there for me or mum.
"You was always too busy
seeing other women. From Sarah."
What a bastard!
If he'd bothered to stick
around, he could have taught her
some of the basics
of English grammar.
From the country that
produced Shakespeare.
The mind boggles,
it really does boggle.
Right, where "was" we?
Some evidence of mice, based
on initial olfactory deduction.
Awaiting confirmation,
he said, stepping carefully.
Um, let's have a look.
Pharaoh's ants,
low level infestation.
Curious phenomenon,
pharaoh's ants.
Not actually dirty, just
annoying. Bit like my ex-wife.
Mind you, if she'd been dirty, she
wouldn't have been so annoying.
Oh, albums. That's vinyl
and cardboard sleevage.
Expect moderate level of mite larvae
and a fair prevalence of Vera Lynn.
Bloody hell! Led zep
iv. He had some taste.
-Trespass.
-Mmm?
Um, it's Genesis.
Dark side of the moonand
yes, it's the gate-fold.
He was a cool dude.
Saxondale: Okay, cleaners
do anything that's rotting.
Non-perishables I've agreed to
pick up and drop off at the Sally army.
Magz does a bit for
them, charity fun-runs.
She does the admin.
Tinned frankfurters in brine.
Tin of ready-to-serve
beef and barley stew,
and breakfast in a can.
Ambassador, you are spoiling us.
Okay, I've got all that, Tommy.
Tommy?
What?
Happy shopper tinned potatoes.
What happens to a bloke,
that he ends up alone and
unable to summon up the will
to peel some potatoes and
put a pan of water on to boil?
You all right, Tommy?
Do me a favour. If I
ever end up living alone,
and in my cupboard
you find tinned potatoes,
just give me the old high velocity .22
pellet in the cranial gap just below my ear.
So how old do you think he was?
50, gone and forgotten.
Hey, you're 50!
Yeah, but you know,
I can peel potatoes.
You know, just... I mean, magz does it,
but, you know, I can if the need arises.
I just don't like doing that
couples dining stuff, you know?
But, hey, listen, I'm 80% to blame,
but you've got to accept your 20.
All right, 90-10, you know.
I don't think... Yeah, I don't think it
helped you talking about folk music.
To most people, it's just
40 verses about crop failure
sung by a bloke with
hair like a brillo pad.
No, it's not what I think,
it's what other people think.
All right, go, no, go
to your folk festival.
Go to your folk festival and
wear a hat made from porridge.
[The dark side of
the moon playing]
Who's the tall, dark stranger in
the dunlop green flash pumps?
All right, all right, all right.
I wear these because you can remove the
insoles and put them in the washing machine.
They can hum like old roquefort,
but they still come out the
dryer smelling like a baby's head.
Green flash and black denim.
Do you ever play by the rules?
-Wrangler pro rodeo.
-Where did you get them?
-Let's just say, I know a guy.
-Not an Albanian one works down at the covered market?
-Nothing gets past you, does it?
-Well, that mustang wouldn't.
Not if I've got this little
cookie in its upper revs.
-I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
-Your 'stang, my Chevy.
Are you going to throw
down the gauntlet?
-Are you going to bend over and pick it up?
-Oh!
Have you always
been a naughty boy?
I was one crazy kid.
I was a loose Cannon.
Pushed a banger
through a post box.
I once coaxed a
dog into a library.
I also, um...
Set fire to a mattress.
Still do, occasionally.
Dinner tonight. Eight
o'clock, the roebuck arms.
You twisted fire-starter.
See you... Janet.
-All right, vicks?
-Oh, hello, Tommy, love, that's good timing!
I've got some
cheques for you here.
If you could give me your
autograph there, just sign for them.
So, how's magz doing then, hmm?
Er, you know, not
three bad, as they say.
Oh, well, send her
my love, darling, yeah?
What's she up to then cause, um, the shop's
closed for a couple of days, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, she's gone to
stay with her mum and dad.
Oh, that's nice, isn't it? That's
nice for her, a nice little break, yeah?
-Yeah.
-And a little bit of a holiday for you I should imagine,
-yeah?
-Yeah.
Yeah. All that cooking and cleaning
and traipsing up and down stairs.
-She's not got special needs.
-Oh, that's the spirit, darling. Yeah.
I'll call you later.
Tommy, you forgot your cheques.
-It's all right, I'll pick them up tomorrow.
-Well, they're right here.
Oh, oh! Tommy,
what's got in to you?
I'm just taking a
friend to dinner.
Oh, well that's lovely, that's
a nice little treat for you.
-Because at home you do do all the cooking.
-I like cooking for magz!
Yeah, of course you do, and it must be so
rewarding when you get a clean plate every time.
See you later.
Oh, wow, that's beautiful
on the back of your jacket.
It's designed by
a native American.
Oh, what's it say?
Born to kill.
Kill what? Moths?
Janet: You've had some
amazing experiences.
Your girlfriend is
a very lucky lady.
Oh... girlfriend, boyfriend,
you know, husband, wife.
They're just
labels, aren't they?
People like to label things
all the time, you know.
What's a boyfriend?
What's a girlfriend?
So, do you think your
girlfriend would have a problem
with you being here with me now?
Uh... this used to be
a massive oast house.
They knocked it all through,
they uh, well, to turn it into this.
Yeah, I'm glad it's not any more, otherwise
we'd be gagging on the stench of hops.
I, um, I like your
Chevy corvette. Yeah.
I like that you've gone
for the convertible,
I'd always go for the coupe,
it's easy to take the top down.
Well, it can be something of a struggle so I
usually like to have an extra set of hands.
Well, you're in luck,
because I happen to have one
at the end of each of my arms.
Mmm...
To boldly go where no man has...
-The final frontier.
-I've got a final frontier.
Yeah, no, I'm just doing
the star trekthing, you know.
Oh, I know but I've
got a final frontier.
-Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, no, I'm just...
-Ha ha, frontier.
Do you mind if we, like, give
the innuendo thing a rest?
It's just, it requires a lot of
concentration, it's quite exhausting.
Oh, no, that's fine,
no, fine. It's okay.
We can talk about
anything you like.
Great.
How's your beef Wellington?
-Janet: Let's get some sounds on.
-Yeah.
Do you like Genesis?
Feb to August '74, I rigged the foldback for
Peter Gabriel on the lamb tour of Europe.
-As you do.
-Um, yeah. Anyway...
Yeah, we were in
dusseldorf, and...
God, that band really took off
once they got shot of Peter Gabriel.
They'd never have had
the hits without Phil Collins.
Not my favourite period but...
So, where's that cd you
were going to do me?
The santana?
It's in the mustang.
Whenever I hear santana, I
just can't help grinding my hips.
Yeah, well,
when you've finally succumbed
to the replacement op,
make sure you send
the bill to Carlos santana.
And don't let him fob you off
with any plastic and cement shit.
The guy's coined in over
the years with his Latin rock.
Sting him for a...
Durable porcelain
ball and socket.
It actually encourages natural
bone growth over the prosthesis.
I'll get the cd.
-Hi.
-Still listening to the old DJs?
-Yeah, I'll turn it off.
-No, you're all right, mate, leave it.
Did I ever tell you about my
old mate, Lenny markham?
Yeah, yeah, you were
in a band with him.
We were like that.
We always used to agree there's
nothing in this world more transcendent
than a dirty fuzz box and
straight fours on the skins.
Then word got out that Lenny
was getting into bootsy Collins,
parliament, mezzoforte, all that
slap bass and stacked heel stuff.
One day he goes, "do you fancy
coming out to buy some albums?"
And I said, "I'm sorry,
mate, I just can't do that.
"I have it on good authority
that you've got the funk."
I didn't speak to
him for two years.
-That's a shame.
-Yeah.
I've got half a dozen cans of
bud in the boot of the 'stang.
What say you and me get
ourselves outside a cold one?
Yeah, great. Yeah.
Ahem!
Oh, shall I get them?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
It will allow me to peruse my latest
subscription copy of mojomagazine,
which has mysteriously liberated
itself from its protective sheath.
Do you charge by the hour?
-What are you doing here?
-I came to pick you up.
I was going to get a taxi.
Anyway, you're
still on probation.
Good, because I've
packed the handcuffs.
Pink fluffy ones?
No, the proper ones from
the army and Navy store.
Machined alloy with a
double-locking mechanism.
Plus, the hotel's booked, ten minutes
drive from the shrewsbury folk festival.
Oh, you're joking!
That's fantastic! Aw!
Yeah, I'm nice, aren't I?
The only other thing is I was
going to take some t-shirts.
Fear not, fair maiden, they reside in the
place where we consummated our union.
King's Lynn marriott?
No, you're always doing that.
I warmed my hands in the
marriott, I did not stoke the boiler.
-Back of the mustang.
-Back of the mustang.
'Cause the marriott was just
a bit of a fumble, wasn't it?
Yeah, I'd... I'd had a few too
many, couldn't quite hip, hip, hip!
They're going to turn this
into a landfill site next week,
just wanted to
take one last look.
You can really get your head
together in a place like this.
There's a real tranquillity,
ever since they stopped those
gypsy bare-knuckle fights... Yeah.
Oh yeah...
They used to knock seven
bells out of each other
while their husbands placed
bets on who was going to win.
-What's that?
-Dead man's potatoes.
Yeah, this bloke
died in his house,
and his body lay
undiscovered for two weeks.
And me and Raymond were
doing the clean-up and, uh,
decided to take some
tins for the salvation army,
but this one must have
fallen out in the car.
Did you know him?
Er, yeah, yeah, I did.
Next week, that place is going to be
filled with two-and-a-half thousand tons
of old fridges, low-mileage
exercise bikes and unwanted furbies
and I want that tin to
be at the bottom of it all.
You're a bit of a dick
sometimes, aren't you?
Erm... we're all
a bit of a dick.
It's the human condition.
Nothing to be afraid of.
I'm not afraid.
I just think you're
a bit of a dick.
Um... no, I'm not.
You are.
-You are.
-No, you are.
-You are.
-No, you are.
-Magz: You are.
-Saxondale: You. You are.
Magz: You are!
manage our anger is through role-play.
Tommy, you're a... Traffic
warden. Right? Okay.
Cor, we all get a bit angry when we
get a blooming parking ticket, don't we?
-I'll play the motorist, and, um... We're starting.
-All right.
What's this? You've given me a
ticket? I was only one minute over.
Uh, yeah, I'm a traffic
warden, I'm on commission.
If you don't rip up
that ticket right now,
I'm going to get... Very cross.
Oh, don't get cross,
I'm only doing my job...
Look, can we stop this, please?
I want this to work, I just don't
think... It's not ringing true for me.
Can we just, like, swap,
like, roles for a minute?
-Yeah, well...
-Just for one minute.
-All right, just for a minute.
-Okay. Why did you give me that parking ticket?
You'd exceeded the
allocated time on the metre.
It's only a minute over, and
you saw me running for the car.
Well, it's not that I don't
sympathise with you,
but if I bend the rules for one
person, that wouldn't be fair.
You say you can't, but I know
for a fact that it's within your remit
to exercise some discretion
when it comes to the application
of fixed penalty notices.
So you do have a choice.
You can rip the ticket up,
because it's within your remit,
or I can knock your teeth
so far down your throat
that when you come to
clean them in the morning,
you'll have to stick a
toothbrush up your arse.
In fact, I'll give you such a fucking good
hiding that you'll end up with a twitch.
Um. But then you'll
be arrested, and...
Oh, I'll end up in court before the
judge and I'll say, "I'm very sorry,
"but I didn't get a bike when I
was a kiddie," and he'll understand.
And they'll give me
a hundred quid fine
and make me walk up and
down the canal for a week,
collecting litter with
one of those spiky sticks.
And when it's all over, months later,
when I've completely forgotten about it,
and I'm sitting on a park bench
doing my sudoku with my cafe latte,
and you'll come walking by
and I'll go, "here comes twitch."
You see, that's more the sort of thing, I
think, that'd be, you know, like realistic.
Yeah. Yeah. Could you just say...
it was really working for me, you know,
I really feel I'm moving forward. Yeah.
Shall we have some tea
and biscuits? I'll make it.
When you're spending that
much money on something,
you have to be careful you're not over-egging
the omelette, because you never know
when you're going to get the value
back when you sell the house, and, er...
But we've got these friends
of ours, Ian and Eileen,
they've bought a house, a
three-bedroom semi, up near thiele.
-Mmm!
-They bought it a couple of months before the market
took off and the thing is, they've
managed to sell it, and just...
-To interrupt you...
-Sorry, yeah?
-Sorry, were you going to say something?
-Not really.
It's ever so slightly,
ever so slightly,
doing my head in.
Tommy, don't be so bloody rude!
-Sorry. All right?
-Sorry.
Shouldn't let him out, really.
-man: It's all right.
-He hasn't had a drink for god knows how long.
Woman: Don't,
honestly, don't worry, no.
What were you saying about going
to this... was it a festival or something?
-Yeah, yeah, up in, um, in shrewsbury.
-Right, lovely.
They do it every... Every
three years and it's great.
How's the wine?
Just, um... We go there and I take
like a load of stock from the shop.
How's the wine? How is the wine?
You sell those t-shirts, in the
shop, you make them yourself?
Yeah, yeah, they're
all custom made.
-Well, you always look sort of artistic-y.
-Aw!
Looks like a bum.
-Yeah, it's been lovely though, tonight.
-Yeah, it's been really nice.
Yeah, it's been
really, really lovely.
-Lovely to catch up and, um...
-Woman: Yeah, it has been, yeah.
-Woman: Well, we covered a lot of...
-All right. Good night. Night.
-Good night.
-Saxondale: Sorry about this.
-Tommy?
-Yes?
-Where are you going?
-I'm walking home.
Sweetheart, it's ten miles.
I... I know a short cut.
He's putting my coat on.
I'll get it back for you.
Oh, my god.
-Sorry.
-That's fine.
If you just put it there.
You take care of him, okay?
What are you doing?
We're not home yet!
I'll, um... I'll
sort the bill out.
-Honestly, don't worry.
-I'm so sorry. I'm going to kill him when I get home.
-Are you... Are you going somewhere?
-Yeah, mum and dad's.
-That's spontaneous. How long for?
-A couple of days.
Right.
Great. You deserve it. Do you want
me to give you a run to the station?
-Raymond: Where's magz going, then?
-Nowhere.
Oh, I saw her getting
into a taxi with some bags.
Oh, yeah, she's just gone to
see her folks for a couple of days.
What on god's
green earth is that?
-That's dj Sammy.
-That's just an old Don henley song.
Some chick with a synth
squawking it out in double time.
Backed, and I'm only guessing here,
by an epileptic with a drum machine.
I like them both. DJs
just do it differently.
You know, at one time a dj
would just turn up at the disco,
spin a few cuts, tell you
whose birthday was coming up,
and maybe ask the owner of a green vauxhall
viva to shift it from the fire exit.
Now they don't even introduce the records.
They just go thumpity-thump in between.
It's all sirens,
whoops and whistles.
God knows how they can tell
when the fire alarm's going off.
They just go, "uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,"
all fucking night.
I just like different
things to you.
I mean, you didn't like the same
things as your mum and dad.
I'm not talking about changing
tastes, I'm talking about hard graft.
Guys like me and my
mate, Lenny markham.
We formed a band called Tom tit and
the lugers and it was a bit of a laugh.
You know, Lenny's fingertips were
so calloused from practising the guitar,
you could strike matches on 'em.
These days, if you can operate
windows xp, you've cracked it.
What do they practise, moving
the mouse around on the mat?
They might as well
be working in Dixons.
You shouldn't have had
all that coffee, Tommy.
Eh? Yeah, I know, yeah, you're
spot on, you're spot on, kiddo.
I thought it would shift my
hangover, it's just uppers and downers.
Same old, same old.
Have you got everything?
Yeah, I've packed the sticky
traps and the fresh glue as well.
-Excellent.
-Oh, and the multiple entrance trap.
-You know they catch up to four mice at a time?
-Yeah.
Well, you'd think when one
wanders in, the others would wise up.
But I've seen people
queue for a dido concert.
-There won't be any mice here.
-How come?
Single female, widow, deep
down she knows there's no mice.
She just wants the company.
There's some very lonely people.
Oh, bloody hell!
I was expecting a little
old lady with a blue rinse.
And I was expecting some
old geezer with a sweep over,
but you've still got a
bit of thatch on the roof.
So one out of two, eh?
Bloody cheek! Did you hear that?
Go and get the traps.
-Mice?
-Yes, mice.
All devices are primed.
Eh?
We've laid down some traps
and we'll arrange for a time
to come back and
check up on them.
You should take my number.
Call me for the next visit.
It's okay, I mean, you can just
go straight through the agency.
Well, we'll see you
for the follow up.
Oh, do you always follow up?
Repeatedly...
Until we achieve
full satisfaction.
-Sounds good.
-It's a comprehensive inspection.
It involves... Areas
of good going-over,
finish off with a...
Bit of a mop-up.
You sound very thorough.
I can hardly wait.
So what exactly
does that involve?
Well, we just check
for fresh droppings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and, um, you know,
we remove the dead mice from the traps
and put them in a plastic bag, take
them down the tip and incinerate them.
Raymond... good morning!
Er, you're not picking
up, love? It's me.
Just calling to say, saw a box of
t-shirts in the hallway, you know,
don't know if you want me to put them with
the others or leave them where they are, so,
just, um... yeah, well, I'll talk
to you soon. Um, love you.
Right, let's look round
a dead man's flat.
Darling, I'm home.
Right...
When they call pest control, it normally
means the guy's been dead for some time
before anyone noticed, so
food may have been left out.
It can attract vermin and
we've got to do a report.
You write stuff
down and I'll dictate.
Ugh.
Why, in god's name, do old people
keep drawers full of pens that don't work?
Oh, interesting.
"Dear dad, I got your
letter. I don't want to see you.
"Suddenly, you want to see me, when in
the past you was never there for me or mum.
"You was always too busy
seeing other women. From Sarah."
What a bastard!
If he'd bothered to stick
around, he could have taught her
some of the basics
of English grammar.
From the country that
produced Shakespeare.
The mind boggles,
it really does boggle.
Right, where "was" we?
Some evidence of mice, based
on initial olfactory deduction.
Awaiting confirmation,
he said, stepping carefully.
Um, let's have a look.
Pharaoh's ants,
low level infestation.
Curious phenomenon,
pharaoh's ants.
Not actually dirty, just
annoying. Bit like my ex-wife.
Mind you, if she'd been dirty, she
wouldn't have been so annoying.
Oh, albums. That's vinyl
and cardboard sleevage.
Expect moderate level of mite larvae
and a fair prevalence of Vera Lynn.
Bloody hell! Led zep
iv. He had some taste.
-Trespass.
-Mmm?
Um, it's Genesis.
Dark side of the moonand
yes, it's the gate-fold.
He was a cool dude.
Saxondale: Okay, cleaners
do anything that's rotting.
Non-perishables I've agreed to
pick up and drop off at the Sally army.
Magz does a bit for
them, charity fun-runs.
She does the admin.
Tinned frankfurters in brine.
Tin of ready-to-serve
beef and barley stew,
and breakfast in a can.
Ambassador, you are spoiling us.
Okay, I've got all that, Tommy.
Tommy?
What?
Happy shopper tinned potatoes.
What happens to a bloke,
that he ends up alone and
unable to summon up the will
to peel some potatoes and
put a pan of water on to boil?
You all right, Tommy?
Do me a favour. If I
ever end up living alone,
and in my cupboard
you find tinned potatoes,
just give me the old high velocity .22
pellet in the cranial gap just below my ear.
So how old do you think he was?
50, gone and forgotten.
Hey, you're 50!
Yeah, but you know,
I can peel potatoes.
You know, just... I mean, magz does it,
but, you know, I can if the need arises.
I just don't like doing that
couples dining stuff, you know?
But, hey, listen, I'm 80% to blame,
but you've got to accept your 20.
All right, 90-10, you know.
I don't think... Yeah, I don't think it
helped you talking about folk music.
To most people, it's just
40 verses about crop failure
sung by a bloke with
hair like a brillo pad.
No, it's not what I think,
it's what other people think.
All right, go, no, go
to your folk festival.
Go to your folk festival and
wear a hat made from porridge.
[The dark side of
the moon playing]
Who's the tall, dark stranger in
the dunlop green flash pumps?
All right, all right, all right.
I wear these because you can remove the
insoles and put them in the washing machine.
They can hum like old roquefort,
but they still come out the
dryer smelling like a baby's head.
Green flash and black denim.
Do you ever play by the rules?
-Wrangler pro rodeo.
-Where did you get them?
-Let's just say, I know a guy.
-Not an Albanian one works down at the covered market?
-Nothing gets past you, does it?
-Well, that mustang wouldn't.
Not if I've got this little
cookie in its upper revs.
-I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
-Your 'stang, my Chevy.
Are you going to throw
down the gauntlet?
-Are you going to bend over and pick it up?
-Oh!
Have you always
been a naughty boy?
I was one crazy kid.
I was a loose Cannon.
Pushed a banger
through a post box.
I once coaxed a
dog into a library.
I also, um...
Set fire to a mattress.
Still do, occasionally.
Dinner tonight. Eight
o'clock, the roebuck arms.
You twisted fire-starter.
See you... Janet.
-All right, vicks?
-Oh, hello, Tommy, love, that's good timing!
I've got some
cheques for you here.
If you could give me your
autograph there, just sign for them.
So, how's magz doing then, hmm?
Er, you know, not
three bad, as they say.
Oh, well, send her
my love, darling, yeah?
What's she up to then cause, um, the shop's
closed for a couple of days, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, she's gone to
stay with her mum and dad.
Oh, that's nice, isn't it? That's
nice for her, a nice little break, yeah?
-Yeah.
-And a little bit of a holiday for you I should imagine,
-yeah?
-Yeah.
Yeah. All that cooking and cleaning
and traipsing up and down stairs.
-She's not got special needs.
-Oh, that's the spirit, darling. Yeah.
I'll call you later.
Tommy, you forgot your cheques.
-It's all right, I'll pick them up tomorrow.
-Well, they're right here.
Oh, oh! Tommy,
what's got in to you?
I'm just taking a
friend to dinner.
Oh, well that's lovely, that's
a nice little treat for you.
-Because at home you do do all the cooking.
-I like cooking for magz!
Yeah, of course you do, and it must be so
rewarding when you get a clean plate every time.
See you later.
Oh, wow, that's beautiful
on the back of your jacket.
It's designed by
a native American.
Oh, what's it say?
Born to kill.
Kill what? Moths?
Janet: You've had some
amazing experiences.
Your girlfriend is
a very lucky lady.
Oh... girlfriend, boyfriend,
you know, husband, wife.
They're just
labels, aren't they?
People like to label things
all the time, you know.
What's a boyfriend?
What's a girlfriend?
So, do you think your
girlfriend would have a problem
with you being here with me now?
Uh... this used to be
a massive oast house.
They knocked it all through,
they uh, well, to turn it into this.
Yeah, I'm glad it's not any more, otherwise
we'd be gagging on the stench of hops.
I, um, I like your
Chevy corvette. Yeah.
I like that you've gone
for the convertible,
I'd always go for the coupe,
it's easy to take the top down.
Well, it can be something of a struggle so I
usually like to have an extra set of hands.
Well, you're in luck,
because I happen to have one
at the end of each of my arms.
Mmm...
To boldly go where no man has...
-The final frontier.
-I've got a final frontier.
Yeah, no, I'm just doing
the star trekthing, you know.
Oh, I know but I've
got a final frontier.
-Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, no, I'm just...
-Ha ha, frontier.
Do you mind if we, like, give
the innuendo thing a rest?
It's just, it requires a lot of
concentration, it's quite exhausting.
Oh, no, that's fine,
no, fine. It's okay.
We can talk about
anything you like.
Great.
How's your beef Wellington?
-Janet: Let's get some sounds on.
-Yeah.
Do you like Genesis?
Feb to August '74, I rigged the foldback for
Peter Gabriel on the lamb tour of Europe.
-As you do.
-Um, yeah. Anyway...
Yeah, we were in
dusseldorf, and...
God, that band really took off
once they got shot of Peter Gabriel.
They'd never have had
the hits without Phil Collins.
Not my favourite period but...
So, where's that cd you
were going to do me?
The santana?
It's in the mustang.
Whenever I hear santana, I
just can't help grinding my hips.
Yeah, well,
when you've finally succumbed
to the replacement op,
make sure you send
the bill to Carlos santana.
And don't let him fob you off
with any plastic and cement shit.
The guy's coined in over
the years with his Latin rock.
Sting him for a...
Durable porcelain
ball and socket.
It actually encourages natural
bone growth over the prosthesis.
I'll get the cd.
-Hi.
-Still listening to the old DJs?
-Yeah, I'll turn it off.
-No, you're all right, mate, leave it.
Did I ever tell you about my
old mate, Lenny markham?
Yeah, yeah, you were
in a band with him.
We were like that.
We always used to agree there's
nothing in this world more transcendent
than a dirty fuzz box and
straight fours on the skins.
Then word got out that Lenny
was getting into bootsy Collins,
parliament, mezzoforte, all that
slap bass and stacked heel stuff.
One day he goes, "do you fancy
coming out to buy some albums?"
And I said, "I'm sorry,
mate, I just can't do that.
"I have it on good authority
that you've got the funk."
I didn't speak to
him for two years.
-That's a shame.
-Yeah.
I've got half a dozen cans of
bud in the boot of the 'stang.
What say you and me get
ourselves outside a cold one?
Yeah, great. Yeah.
Ahem!
Oh, shall I get them?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
It will allow me to peruse my latest
subscription copy of mojomagazine,
which has mysteriously liberated
itself from its protective sheath.
Do you charge by the hour?
-What are you doing here?
-I came to pick you up.
I was going to get a taxi.
Anyway, you're
still on probation.
Good, because I've
packed the handcuffs.
Pink fluffy ones?
No, the proper ones from
the army and Navy store.
Machined alloy with a
double-locking mechanism.
Plus, the hotel's booked, ten minutes
drive from the shrewsbury folk festival.
Oh, you're joking!
That's fantastic! Aw!
Yeah, I'm nice, aren't I?
The only other thing is I was
going to take some t-shirts.
Fear not, fair maiden, they reside in the
place where we consummated our union.
King's Lynn marriott?
No, you're always doing that.
I warmed my hands in the
marriott, I did not stoke the boiler.
-Back of the mustang.
-Back of the mustang.
'Cause the marriott was just
a bit of a fumble, wasn't it?
Yeah, I'd... I'd had a few too
many, couldn't quite hip, hip, hip!
They're going to turn this
into a landfill site next week,
just wanted to
take one last look.
You can really get your head
together in a place like this.
There's a real tranquillity,
ever since they stopped those
gypsy bare-knuckle fights... Yeah.
Oh yeah...
They used to knock seven
bells out of each other
while their husbands placed
bets on who was going to win.
-What's that?
-Dead man's potatoes.
Yeah, this bloke
died in his house,
and his body lay
undiscovered for two weeks.
And me and Raymond were
doing the clean-up and, uh,
decided to take some
tins for the salvation army,
but this one must have
fallen out in the car.
Did you know him?
Er, yeah, yeah, I did.
Next week, that place is going to be
filled with two-and-a-half thousand tons
of old fridges, low-mileage
exercise bikes and unwanted furbies
and I want that tin to
be at the bottom of it all.
You're a bit of a dick
sometimes, aren't you?
Erm... we're all
a bit of a dick.
It's the human condition.
Nothing to be afraid of.
I'm not afraid.
I just think you're
a bit of a dick.
Um... no, I'm not.
You are.
-You are.
-No, you are.
-You are.
-No, you are.
-Magz: You are.
-Saxondale: You. You are.
Magz: You are!